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WWE EXTREME RULES
(04/25/10)
By Jordan Huie

The theme of this PPV (and recap) is Time to Shine by Saliva! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPOIkdqFXhM 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am your party host Jordan Huie, and this is my first ever recap of a WWE PPV! That's right, folks, the rumors are true! ..what's that? You didn't hear any rumors? But I spread them just now! Whatever. But yes - Z-Truth has already spread to not just Friday Nights, but to some select Sunday nights as well! I'm like that imposing neighbor who comes into your house and clogs the toilet, and breaks the TV, and eats you out of house and home, and no matter how many threats or begginings or restraining orders or offers of giving up your wife's sexual services, YOU JUST WON'T GET RID OF ME! Moving right along, we have a PPV on our hands - something that nowadays only happens, um, like, six times a month! So ya, let's get this bitch started! You know, I always saw people tell of the locations in these TWF recaps, and I always found myself thinking "Wow..I do not give a fuck where this show is being held! Why are you wasting our tax dollars dealing with this bullshit?! Don't you know there's a war going on?!", but then I arrived on the TWF staff, and realized that it is part of our contractual obligations to make referance of these facts, and if we don't, then kittens will be force fed to iguanas, and I didn't want that happening to those poor iguanas, so we're still standing here in Baltimore, Maryland!

We start off with an alarm sounding, and an automated voice telling us to secure all loose objects, fasten our seatbelt, spread our cheeks and lick our sacks. Or maybe I just imagined that last part. We then see a short recap of the highs and lows of WrestleMania, and all of the lead-ins from it to the current fueds. This show is sponsered by KFC..if that doesn't just scream EXXXXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMEEEEE, I don't know what the fuck does. Nine months of pyro later, we get Michael Cole asking us if we want to get extreme. I consider that a haunting sound for Women everywhere.

Street Fight up first..wait..hold the fucking phone, Triple H is the curtain jerker?! What, did he get bit in the ass by the charity bug? No, wait..the theme plays, but no HHH. Sorry, false alarm, should've known better then to think that would happen..yep, Sheamus is attacking Triple H backstage. Haitch fights back until Sheamus nails him with a Lead Pipe that just happened to be lying there on the floor. Sheamus gets another shot in to the back of his head, and he's out. Cut back to the announce table to learn that said mugging was LIVE~! from New York, it's Saturday Night!!! ..anyway, we transition from that to ShowMiz's fucked up theme. Out they come in full wrestling attires, carrying microphones.

Miz gets on the mic and says "well I guess this show didn't start off like we thought it would, so let's start this show off with the greatest tag team in WWE history". I guess now that both Haas and Benjamin have been fired, the title of World's Greatest Tag Team is up for grabs. What I'm wondering, is who will be the next Bacardi and Cola? Miz says don't take his word for it - take Bret Hart's word for it. Would Bret Hart lie for weed?! We don't think so! They referance the deal Bret made with them to admit their greatness, then repeat that they're the greatest so many times that it starts to remind me of Ernest Miller's theme song. They say that they have no problem proving it - but they do have a lack of competition. They beg people to give them competition. Miz breaks kayfabe, calling Big Show The Giant. THAT'S HIS SLAVE NAME, YOU BASTARD! Or wait, is it the other way around..? Speaking of slaves, out comes Teddy Long!

Teddy tells us that he has his hands full with what occured between HHH/Sheamus, and that it seems he also has his hands full with ShowMiz. He says that he's glad ShowMiz want a match, because he has a team of his choosing ready to face them tonight, and if they win, they shall get a future title shot. Because having a title match on PPV would be just stupid. Miz feigns fear, before insulting the Orioles. Miz tells him to go back to his office and figure out how SD! will get raped in the draft. Long responds by adding other teams to the mix, setting a gauntlet for ShowMiz. Teddy asks if Miz wants to keep talking and make it four - and Big Show puts his hand over Miz's mouth. The team that beats ShowMiz will be the team they defend their titles against tomarrow night. Because, and I say it again - title matches on PPV are just stupid. And the first team is..oh wow. I just asked who the new Bacardi and Cola were going to be, and damned if it isn't them that come out first!

Bacardi and Cola 2010 (R-Truth and John Morrison) vs. ShowMiz (The Big Show and The Miz)

Way to save the best for last, amirite? Morrison and Miz start us out. Lockup, Morrison gets a roll-up for two, but Miz takes control with a few strikes. Miz tries to shoot Morrison to the ropes, Miz goes for a clothesline, Morrison slips under his legs, takes him down with arm drag. Morrison takes Miz up with an Arm bar, tags in Truth. Double Irish Whip, into a Double Arm Drag, followed by a Double Kip-Up. Truth then does the splits, before nailing a Leg Drop on Miz, at the same time that Morrison hits his standing Shooting Star Press. Truth with the cover, gets 2. Truth whips Miz to the ropes, but he tags out. In comes Show to fuck up Truth's shit with a few shots. Show tags to Miz, sets Truth up on his knees, Miz with a big kick to the prone Truth. This gets two. Miz puts Truth in a Chinlock of unending despair. Truth tries to fight out, Miz hits the ropes, Truth with a Leg Lariat! Ref starts an EXTREME TEN COUNT, Show and Morrison get tagged in. Show throws Morrison to the corner, Show charges into a boot. Morrison goes up top - where Show catches him around the throat! Morrison counters with a Triangle Choke in the air, that eventually goes to the ropes! Miz tries to save, but is intercepted by Truth, who hits a Plancha on Miz! The Ref tries to break it before eventually calling for a DQ.

Winners: ShowMiz

As Bacardi and Cola 2010 make their leave, out comes Bacardi and..er, Bacardi.

ShowMiz (The Big Show and The Miz) vs. MVP and Mark Henry w/o tag name, still, after like six months of teaming)

As the bell rings, MVP covers Show, who just barely kicks out. MVP goes for his Playa's Boot, but Show shoves him away and tags in Miz, who gets his shit fucked up with a huge clothesline that flips him over. This gets another nearfall for MVP. 'P tags in Henry, and I predict things to suddenly get much more sluggish. Henry holds onto Miz's wrist, and hits a big headbutt. Miz gets to the corner, Henry tries for the Avalanche, Miz gets out of the way. Henry stumbles over to tag in P, who nails a Back Suplex on Miz. P with that Knee Facebuster that HHH is always doing, before hitting the Balling Elbow. Not to the balls, however, which I think may count as False Advertising. P goes for the cover, Show breaks it up. Henry comes in, takes a Big Boot. Show rushes P, but MVP lowers the top rope, sending Show to very slowly fall to the floor. Odd how slowly fat guys will fall in the WWE. In most circles, fat people fall fastest, right? Strange. P nails the Playmaker on Miz - only to get caught with the POWER OF THE PUNCH from Show. Miz covers P, and of course that beats him.

Winners: ShowMiz

As if this ever wasn't going to get to the third match..and boy, I wonder who the third team is. Wait..no way! It's the team they've been fueding with all month, The Hart Dynasty! Shocked, am I! And they are accompanied by Ozzy Osbourne!! ..no, wait, that's Bret Hart. False alarm.

ShowMiz (The Big Show and The Miz) w/pay-by-the-hour salaries, hopefully vs. The Hart Dynasty (Tyson Kidd and DH Smith) w/Natayla Neidhart and Bret Hart, but w/o "The"

DH and Kidd rush the ring, and knock Show off the apron, because yeah, double-teaming an injured wrestler who was doing nothing but resting on the apron is exactly face teams wrestle. DH lifts Miz up, Kidd nails the Springboard Hart Attack, aaaaand..yeah, that's it. Seems like a bit of a heelish way for a face team to win contendership to me, but I guess that's why I'm not a booker...

Winners: The Hart Dynasty

Rating (of all three matches at once) : **2/3

Fairly exciting way to start the show. At the very least, I didn't see it coming, I'll tell you that much, although the way the gauntlet turned out wasn't really tough to predict.

..and the crowd fucking shits themselves. Seriously, massive pop upon this. As they celebrate, I notice an Ignignokt sign in the crowd. It is upon this discovery, that I decide that I like this crowd.

As they retreat TO THE BACK~!, we go TO THE BACK~! to see Todd Grisham with an update on HHH's status. He says that he is being evaluated, and there has been no determination as to whether or not Sheamus will still be jobbing to him tonight as planned. Before he can say more, in comes the man that is just a few chains away from being completely identical to Hellrider, w/lead pipe. He says that if HHH is too much of a coward to face him, he should admit. He says that he will be going out to the ring - HHH can either face him or lose by forfeit.

So, naturally, we transition from that to some Gillette shaving cream. That's right, it's time for the match in which if CM Punk loses, he shall have his dignity raped! And he agreed to the stipulation, ladies and gentlemen! HE WANTED IT!!!

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk w/Luke Gallows and Serena (If Punk loses, he gets his head shaved)

Punk starts it off with kicks, putting Mysterio to the corner. Punk stomps Rey into the corner, before pulling him up. Punk tries to shoot Rey off the ropes, Rey reverses, nails a Dropkick. Punk quickly fights back, and throws Rey from the ring. Punk follows out to the floor, Rey nails him with a Spinning Headscissors that takes him headfirst into the apron! Rey takes him back in, dropkick to the back, of course takes him to the middle ropes. Rey hits the ropes - Punk escapes, and catches Rey, going for GTS! Rey fights away to the corner, Punk rushes, Rey gets the boots up. Rey hits the ropes - into a Snap Powerslam, for two! Punk again throws Rey to the outside, and this time he lands chestfirst like he loves to do. I like how he has a signature of being thrown from the ring. On the outside, Serena steals Orton's finisher and punts Rey in the ribs. Count out starts, Punk follows to the outside and takes it to Rey with a few strikes. Punk throws Rey into the ring, and nails a Heelow, for two. Punk locks Rey into a Figure Four Headscissors, crowd very quickly starts to rally. You know, they start quick a lot of the times nowadays, they've gotten very impatient. Rey fights out, Punk hits the ropes, goes for a Sunset Flip, Rey rolls out and nails a Roundhouse Kick to the prone Punk, for two! Rey advances on Punk in the corner, only to be pulled into the second turnbuckle pad. Rey ends up in the middle ropes, and Punk distracts the ref for a bit, to allow Gallows to hit an uppercut on Rey-Rey. The fact that he can hit so hard while fighting through his elephantitus is so very inspiring. Punk tries for a cover off this, but no one compares Gallows fists to Frying Pans, so they can't end matches. Punk pulls Rey up, with a Suplex-into-a-Backbreaker for two. Punk puts Rey into a Surfboard Bow and Arrow Lock! Rey fights out of it, into a pinning position, but Punk kicks out and hits a huge LARIATO~! for two. Punk with a number of D-Lo Brown-like low legdrops, for two. Punk puts Rey in Powerbomb position - and transitions that swiftly and beautifully into a Gory Special! Rey stays in this for a bit, before eventually breaking it with an Arm Drag. Rey slides between Punk's legs, Punk tries to put him back in the Gory Special positioning, but Rey trips him up for a nearfall flash pin.

Rey tries to shoot Punk to the opposite corner, Punk reverses, Rey with the floatover Rana that takes Punk to the second turnbuckle pad! Rey makes his way up top, tries for a Moonsault, but Punk crotches him onto the turnbuckle. From the Tree of Woe, Punk pulls him into GTS position! But Rey gets out of it, and pulls him into the middle ropes! Rey hits the opposite ropes, only to get tripped up by Serena and taken down by Punk..and it's at this time, that the referee ejects Serena and Gallows, to a massive ovation! Seriously..they should do that more often. There's omething about the ref throwing out a bunch of interfering managers that the crowd just adores, it always gets good reactions. Punk goes to the outside to..stare at Serena and Gallows, I guess, when gets taken out with a Baseball Slide! And Rey follows up with a Springboard Moonsault! Rey throws Punk into the ring, and nails a Springboard Legdrop, for a very close two! Damned fine match, here. Rey tries to shoot Punk off the ropes, Punk reverses, goes for a Back Body Drop, Rey counters with a kick. FANLAW IT. NOW. I'M NOT KIDDING. This gets a nearfall as well. Rey goes out to the apron, Springboard Seated Senton! Rey hits the ropes, ducks a clothesline, goes for a Springboard Crossbody - gets caught with a Dropkick, for two! More springboards, as Punk hits his signature Springboard Clothesline for two! Punk whips Rey to the corner, Rey floats over Punk, gets up to Victory Roll position, and from there Punk transitions to GTS position - but Rey counters with a Rana, that gets a split-second nearfall! They both stand - Punk with a Roundhouse Kick! Rey to the corner, Punk tries for the Pepsi One - Rey dodges, gets off a Springboard Headscissors that takes Punk to the middle ropes! Nails the 6-1-9 - but suddenly some mysterious figure comes out from under the slide a chair into the ring. This causes distraction for the ref, allowing him to pull Rey off the apron, and Reverse Powerbomb him onto the floor! I assumed it was Darren Young at first, but during that move, he was clearly white. So, given that, I assume it's Brett DiBiase, once again interfering in a big time PPV match, only to dissapear for another nine or so months. Punk takes Rey back into the ring, pulls him up, and nails the GTS. That'll do, dawg.

Winner: CM Punk

Rating: ****

Great match, very exiting from start-to-finish, and if there's someone other than Darren Young joining the SES, the finish piques my curiosity. And next up...oh yes, the slave match!!

Strap Match: Shad (w/far too generic music, and sellout tights) vs. JTG (w/now outdated music, and fan favorite jeans)

JTG starts off with a number of shots to Shad, which Shad stops by tripping him up with the strap. Shad touches three corners, but JTG keeps him from touching the fourth with a few harsh whips to the back. YOUR NAME IS SHAD NOW. Quick question - what does touching turnbuckle pads have to do with Slave Labor? I don't think I get that connection. JTG beats the hell out of Shad with the straps, even Knife Edging him with them. JTG taps two pads, but Shad pulls him by the strap to the apron, then whips him off of it. As JTG is on the outside, Shad taps two corners, but J keeps pulling, using the leverage to his advantage. J gets up to the apron, Shad rushes him with a knee. Shad grabs J, only to get hot-shot onto the top rope. J jumps into the ring, taps one corner, hits a Seated Senton onto Shad. Hits two more corners, nearly gets the last - but Shad pulls him back in, pulls him into Back Suplex position, then throws him onto his front. Shad goes to the outside, then pulls J shoulderfirst into the Steel Ring post, then whips his arm a number of times. Shad pulls him, then starts choking him with the strap. The commentators do not sell this with any real concern or surprise. Clearly, they could give a damn if a brother got hung. I see how it is..Shad continues choking JTG while dragging him across the ring, but while he taps the turnbuckle pads, he doesn't notice JTG doing the same behing his back. Shad gets close to the last one - and JTG counters with the Boxcutter Neckbreaker, before springing forward to tap the last pad, for the win!!

Winner: JTG

Rating: **2/3

Good match, felt a lot of animosity between them here, and they played off the stip well. Feel like it could've been given longer, though. But hey, I didn't think this match-up would make it to PPV in the first place, so..surprised, and glad, to see JTG pick up the win, as well. Been pleasantly surprised with the push they're giving him, and I hope it pays off.

Cut BACK~! TO THE BACK~! to see Grisham again, to give us an update on HHH - saying it's highly doubtful that he will be able to wrestle tonight. The crowd boos it, as if this will actually turn out to be the case. And up next - the Extreme Rulz match for the World Heavyweight Championship! Hmm. Wrestling someone from the Raw roster, but this isn't Monday. I guess tonight we'll see if it's roster or night that was fucking him up.

Extreme Rulz match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger (c)

Going to have to get used to saying Swagger's name without adding a t at the end..they circle, lock-up, Swagger trips up Orton, transitions to a Chinlock. Transitions to a cover, for a kick out. Lock-up, Swagger with a Dragon Screw. Gutwrench, Swagger rolls around a little with Orton on the mat. Orton starts to fight out, gets to his feet, Swagger drives Orton into the corner. Swagger tries for the Corner Punches, Orton slips out, gets to the top rope, and elbows him to the mat. Quick cover, gets 1. Swagger goes for a clothesline - Orton ducks, and nails his signature backbreaker! BAH GAWD, KING, SWAGGER JUST GOT HIS BACK SLAMMED INTO ORTON'S ASS!! BAH GAWD, THE CARNAGE!! This incredibly manly move gets two. Swagger goes to the outside, where he retrieves a chair. Orton stalks up to him from behind, Swagger tries to swing the chair, Orton kicks it away. Swagger looks scared like a bitch at this, and retreats to the ring. Orton follows, Swagger goes for the usual kick, but Orton dodges it. Swagger escapes to the other side of the floor. Orton follows - Swagger catches him with an elbow, then tosses him into the barricade. Northern Lights Suplex on the floor! Swagger takes Orton up, drives him into the barricade and apron. Swagger takes him back into the ring, cover, gets 2. Orton retreats to the corner, Swagger beats him into it. Orton fights out with a kick, but Swagger drives him back into the corner. Snap Suplex, takes him to the middle. Swagger pulls him up, Orton fights back, only to get planted with a Belly-to-Belly, for two. Another Snap Suplex from Swagger, followed by a Back Suplex. Swagger is wasting a lot of time between moves here. Swagger takes him to the corner, only to take a knee. But Swagger quickly retakes control, shoving Orton back into the steel post. Swagger tries to take up the Title, and..something odd happens with the file that I'm using, and suddenly he's back in the ring with Orton pummeling him with very European Uppercuts, until Swagger counters with a hard Belly-to-Belly. I'm going to assume that somewhere there is a wall of space and time, and for a brief moment, the Shockmaster smashed through it. Hope I didn't miss much time, don't think I did. This Belly-to-Belly gets two. Swagger pulls Orton up, slams him back down.

A nice spot follows, as Swagger goes into a corner while Orton is laid out next to another, with the title inches away. Swagger tries for the VADAH SPLASH, but Orton nips up, grabs the belt, and smashes Swagger in the stomach with the belt in mid-air! Orton follows up with a few clothesline, and a Snap Powerslam, that gets two! Swagger goes to the apron, and Orton goes for his rope-assisted DDT - but Swagger gets into the ring, and throws him to the outside. Swagger follows, and takes out a Trash Can from other the ring. Swagger runs at Orton with it, but Orton steals it - and MASHES Swagger's head with the damned thing! That didn't look protected at all..a second one just like it follows, and Orton starts ramming his head into the announce table. Very European Uppercut to Swagger. Orton whips Swagger into the Steel Steps! Orton drapes Swagger onto the steps..then stomps him headfirst into them, stealing directly from Drew McIntyre like the fucking leech that he is! Garvin stomps follow in the ring. Orton goes for a kneedrop, Swagger rolls out of the way and to the outside, where he gets a Steel Chair. He attempts to take it into the ring, but Orton steals Orton's finisher and punts Swagger in the chest, before putting him in position for the Rope-Assisted DDT - nails it! Orton starts with his slithering slither of slithery slitheringess, before grabbing the chair..and sitting it up! Orton sets Swagger up, goes for the RKO - but Swagger shoves Orton onto the chair! And Swagger grabs Orton in Gutwrench position - nails the Doctor Bomb! That's it!

Winner: Jack Swagger

Rating: ***

A very good match, very nice finish. The Vadah Bomb spot was very well done as well, and I like that my brand's champ has finally gotten a win over Orton. Post-match, Orton RKO's Swagger onto the floor, because I guess he hasn't yet gotten the whole "You've turned face" memo. Naturally, while Orton goes up the ramp, out comes Sheamus with the lead pipe, and a microphone.

"I told ya, HHH, you make a mistake, just by showing up at Extreme Rulz. And fella, I was right." Fella?! WHY..I..OUGHTA..! Sheamus says that if HHH isn't man enough to get his Viking-looking ass out there, he wants the referee to raise his hand in victoly. TO THE BACK~!, where Grisham tells that HHH will not be able to compete - but Haitch comes through the door, shoving him out of the way on his way to the ring.

Street Fight: Triple H vs. Sheamus

Sheamus rushes Haitch, goes for a pipe shot, Haitch ducks it and spears Sheamus to the mat. Sheamus shoves him off, goes for a clothesline, Haitch ducks and clotheslines him to the outside. HHH follows, and tackles him from behind, before ramming him against the announce table. H rams him into the barricade. Meanwhile, some tool in the crowd shouts to get the sledgehammer, as if he's Bubba Ray and HHH is D-Von. HHH takes him into the ring, Sheamus hits the ropes, runs into a Spinebuster! Triple H sets up for the Pedigree, but Sheamus gets out of it and nails a clothesline. HHH rolls to the outside, where Sheamus follows, attacking from behind. Sheamus rams him into the barricade twice. Seems like a popular form of attack between these two. Sheamus rains down a few punches, before tossing him into the barricade one more time. Sheamus takes him into the ring, gets an elbow to the chest of HHH. Sheamus follows into the ring, to do his ever so original chest-beat arm raise combo. How the hell did he think up that shit?! Sheamus beats on H in the ring for a couple of months, Haitch tries to fight back, taken down with a clothesline, for two. Sheamus puts H into a chinlock/armbar combo. Again, the crowd does not waste time clapping for him. H fights out with a Back Suplex. HHH rolls to the outside, Sheamus follows, nails him with a Neckbreaker on the outside. Early reports show that the neck was not actually broken, but Neckhurter just doesn't have the same ring to it. H retreats to the corner, Sheamus tries to rush him, H catches him with a boot. Sheamus rushes again, H throws him into the ring post! Sheamus rebounds, into a DDT! But H sells the head and neck injury, and isn't able to capitalize. The two stand - and Sheamus nails a Uranage Backbreaker, for two. Sheamus with an Oklahoma Slam, for two. Second cover, another two. Sheamus goes to the outside to retreive his lead pipe. Sheamus goes for the swing, but H catches him with a punch to the stomach, and hits that Knee Facebuster that he loves so much. H hits the ropes, but Sheamus nails him with the pipe, for a very close nearfall!

Sheamus pulls his nappy-headed ass up, and goes for the Razor's Edge move that Cole calls Pale Justice..I swear to God. H slips out from behind, Sheamus rushes H, but H Back Body Drops him to the outside! H follows to the outside, gets caught by Sheamus. Sheamus takes out a Kendo Stick from under the ring, charges H, H drop toe holds Sheamus into the steps! HHH picks up the Kendo Stick - nails him across the painter's canvas that he calls a back! HHH unloads on him with the stick like he's some sort of sickly pinata. Sheamus is beat to the middle of the ramp - HHH goes for a Pedigree, but Sheamus back body drops him onto the ramp! HHH gets to his feet - Sheamus nails him with the Bicycle Kick! ...which is an incredibly dumb thing for a young hoss to do. That thing is CURSED! Look at how many young hosses in '03 and '04 used that to look impressive - all of them fired within a year! CUUUURSED! Sheamus pulls HHH into the ring, another big kick to the head from Sheamus. Triple H stands in the corner, the ref tries to check on him, and gets forcefully shoved away because shoving away people that are concerned for you is what stars do. H then tells Sheamus to orally pleasure him, therefore causing Sheamus to give two more Bicycle Kicks, that end the match.

Winner: Sheamus

Rating: **1/2

Decent match, but slightly too punch-kicky for me, and there was more of the barricade being used then I needed. The ramp spots were exciting, however, and the general psychology of the match was done well. Post-match, medics try to get H onto a stretcher, but he fights it every step of the way because shoving away people that are concerned for you is what stars do. Just as H is getting to the stage, in comes Sheamus into the screen with another kick because THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE. Fortunately, this time, there's no fighting as they put him on a stretcher. So, hey, silver lining.

TO THE BACK~! to see Edge putting on his tights. We've been seeing scenes like this for weeks on SD, and it just doesn't get any less exciting! In comes Grisham, to ask what his mindset for the match tonight is. Edge recalls the methods of winning a cage match - he says that he's never going to let Jericho escape, and that he himself, won't even try.

Cut to the arena, to see...a lot of makeup and haircare products on a table in front of the commentators. We pretty much know what this means, don't we..

Extreme Makeover Match for the Women's Championship: Beth Phoenix vs. Michelle McCool (c)

As it zooms out a bit more, I also notice an Ironing Board, and a few brooms and mops as well. Apparantly, everything over there is legal. Lock-up, Michelle uses the ropes to break and fight back. Michelle whips Beth to the ropes, Beth gets a floatover, for a rollup that gets 1. Phoenix goes to the second rope for a Flying Clothesline, that gets 2. Michelle rolls to the outside, Beth follows, and Layla tries to attack her with a broom. But Beth takes it away, and chases her into the ring with it. Layla escapes, and Beth goes back to Michelle, only to take some hairspray to the eyes. Michelle takes the Board into the ring, and throws it into Phoenix. Cover, gets two. Michelle throws the board onto Beth, and hits a double stomp onto it. Michelle puts Beth into a Body Scissors. After a few moments in it, Michelle breaks it..and gets an Iron. This is going a little further then I thought..no wait, the cord isn't long enough for Michelle to take it to Beth, (It was plugged in? What, where they trying to burn her?) and Beth catches her with a roll-up for two. Michelle goes back on the offensive, and the Ironing Board is slid back into the ring. Michelle places Beth into the corner, then Skateboards the Ironing Board into her. Cover, gets two. Michelle rolls to the otuside, takes all of the mops and brooms away, and then takes up the Ironing Board yet again. Michelle tries to take the Board back into the ring, but Beth catches her with a Baseball Slide, into the board, and Michelle seems to hit her head on the announce table on the way down. Fortunately, she didn't bang her head on the edge of it like your mom does after she passes out. Beth follows to the outside, Layla and Vickie try to hold Beth. Michelle gets the spray ready, but Beth ducks it and Layla and Vickie get the spray. Phoenix then throws Michelle onto the table, shoving it over with Michelle on it. Beth then throws a mop and a couple Ironing Boards into the ring, before throwing in Michelle and a bucket as well. Beth takes the bucket and attacks her with it three times. Cover, gets two. Beth puts the Ironing Boards together on the mat, lifts up Michelle, and takes her to the top rope. And..in what may be the dumbest visual I've been given, Vickie and Layla begin very weakly hitting the ropes with the brooms while Phoenix sets Michelle up on the top rope. Michelle shoves Phoenix off onto the boards! Pin, for two. Michelle goes for the Faith Breaker, but Beth counters into Samoan Drop position, transitions from there - nails the Glam Slam, for 3!

Winner: Beth Phoenix

Rating: **2/3

Pleasantly surprised by this match, can't say I expected much from this concept, but it wasn't actually that bad. Fairly entertaining, and actually got a little brutal at times. Still had it's silly moments of course, but I expected a lot more of it then that, so..

Down lowers the cage, while that little dramatic tune plays in the background.

Cut TO THE BACK~!, with Grisham and OHGODYES, Chris Jericho!!! Grisham blasphemes by asking Jericho about his upset loss to Slater on NXT. Chris tells Josh to not be like the hypocrites and parasites, that think one loss changes things for him. He says it doesn't change his legendary status, or that he's a big (you just lost the) game playa. He garauntees that he will end Edge's career forever, and all of the Edgeheads will never chant for the FHOD EVER....agayn.

FOUR SIDES OF STEEL MATCH - Edge vs. Chris Jericho

As Edge makes his entrance, we see a replay of Jericho destroying Edge's achilles tendon, and then of Edge spearing Wade Barrett in the cage. Jericho delays getting into the cage, then yells at the Ref for closing the door. Jericho gets a chair and hits it against the cage, before trying to bring the chair into the ring - Edge with the Baseball Slide! Edge rams Jericho against the barricade, before bringing him into the cage and closing the door. While he does so, Jericho goes for the escape..very slowly..before being pulled down by Edge. Edge throws him to the corner and grinds his boot into Jericho. Jericho tries to whip Edge to the corner, Edge reverses, Jericho rebounds into a clothesline. Edge tries to catapault Jericho into the corner - Jericho lands on his feet on the ropes and tries to escape again, but Edge pulls him back to the top rope, then throws him to the mat! Edge tosses Jericho into the cage, then chokes him on the middle rope. Edge hits the ropes, goes for a Spear but Jericho counters, leaving Edge to ram into the cage, like a dumb bitch! Jericho with the VINTAGE~! Springboard Dropkick, that mashes Edge further into the steel cage. Jericho hits the guillotine onto the bottom rope, before playing to the crowd. Jericho talks a little smack as he beats Edge down like the bitch that he is. Jericho with the Back Suplex, this gets two. Jericho gets Edge into a Chinlock and continues berating him like the bitch that he is! ASK HIM! ASK HIM! Edge fights to his feet, Jericho shoots him off the ropes, Edge reverses for a Back Body Drop, only to get kicked in the face like the bitch that he is. I'm sorry, do I sound biased? I don't mean to. Jericho rushes Edge, only to get Back Body Dropped into the cage! Edge with a number of clotheslines, shoots Jericho to the ropes, and nails the Flapjack that nobody ever names on commentary. Edge hits the oldschool Faceplant Edgacution, for two. Edge hits the ropes, but Jericho counters with a kick, hits the same ropes, nails a Bulldog! Jericho goes for the Lionsault, Edge rolls out of the way, Jericho lands on his feet - and tries to escape! Jericho gets to the top, before Edge catches him. The two are stuck on the ropes for a bit - Jericho trips Edge off of them, and lands into the Walls Of Jericho!! YOU BET YOUR SWEET, SUPPLE ASS HE JUST DID THAT!! EDGE SCREAMS LIKE A BITCH!! TAP YOU LITTLE BITCH! Edge gets to the ropes, but there's no break in cage matches, you bitch!! Jericho pulls Edge away from the ropes, but Edge pulls Jericho into the cage, then nails the Edge-o-Matic, for two! They both stand, Edge goes for the current Edgeacution, but Jericho counters, going for the Walls, only for Edge to kick him away. Jericho rebounds off the corner, into a Big Boot from Edge. And Edge starts to put on his rapeface, as he starts stalking for the FHOD! Edge dashes, but Jericho goes through the door, trying to escape! Edge pulls him back in, but Jericho gets the chair! The chair is thrown in the ring, and Jericho closes the door onto Edge's nappyass head!

Jericho goes down the stairs, but pauses. He considers it for a bit, before going back into the cage! Jericho takes up the chair, and goes for a huge chairshot, but Edge ducks it, hits the ropes - nails the Spear!! Edge covers..but Jericho kicks out at two!! What a badass! Edge is shocked, tries to pull up Jericho - Jericho nails the Codebreaker! The spear wore him down too much, however, and causes delay in the pin attempt. Jericho eventually covers Edge, and he kicks out as well! Jericho tries it again, with the same result! Jericho then gives up on the pin, and tries to escape! Jericho gets to the top, and to the outside! But Edge grabs onto his wrists, from the top rope! Edge drags Jericho back inside, and they once again end up balancing on the top rope - Jericho knocks Edge down, crotching him onto the top rope! Jericho once again gets to the outside..Edge grabs Jericho by the arm again, and this time they're both on top of the cage! They send punches back and forth for a bit, and Jericho goes back in, and to the top rope! Jericho pulls Edge with him, Edge hits a headbutt. Edge pulls Jericho down to the mat, while sitting on the top rope - Jericho with the Springboard, INTO A CODEBREAKER! YOU BET YOUR SWEET, SUPPLE ASS HE JUST DID THAT!! Jesus Christ, that kicked ass!! Much delay here as both are down, Jericho covers for a very close nearfall! Jericho hits a Chop Block on Edge, before grabbing the Steel Chair up again! Jericho tries to hit the injury achilles tendon with the chair, but Edge gets out of the way! Edge then throws Jericho into opposite sides of the cage, tries to whip him into the corner, but Jericho once again uses that momentum to try and escape! Edge follows, and they both find themselves on the top rope, with Edge ramming Jericho's head into the cage, until he falls to the mat! The fans cheer as Edge has the chance to escape, but he doesn't take it, instead going back down to the mat. Meanwhile, the Referee's open the cage door, as Jericho crawls towards it. Edge yells at Jericho to try and leave, before closing the door onto Jericho's ankle! Edge twists and stomps on the ankle of Jericho, like the bitch that he is! Edge then gets into the corner, and begins stalking Jericho - nails the spear, and that will do it..dammit.

Winner: Edge (dammit)

Rating: ***1/3

Great match here, although a fraction is taken off due to the fact that Edge won. Dammit.

Last Man Standing match up next. Recap of the Cena/Batista match at WM. That match was better than I expected it to be, hoping it's the same tonight. And if not, then, well-

Man Standing Last Match for the Championship of the WWE: Batista vs. John Cena (c)

"You tapped out" chants are directed at Batista, even though that's like, so three weeks ago. As Cena kisses his little dogtag, it reminds of Angle/Anderson in TNA, and makes me wonder if Batista will be slashing Cena up with it. Lock-up starts us off. It stays on for a little longer then it really should, as Cena gets pushed up against the ropes - Teest goes for a clothesline, but Cena ducks it, then hits a Shoulder Block. Teest quickly escapes to the outside for a bit, goes back in, takes another Shoulder Block, and rolls right back out. Batista takes up a Steel Chair and re enters the ring. You know, I'm seeing a lot more Steel Chairs tonight then I usually am..DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK~! Teest goes for a chairshot, Cena ducks it, nails a bulldog. There's a count of two here, pretty much just mandatory. Cena hits a Fisherman's Suplex, which keeps Teest down for a four count. Cena whips Batista to the corner, rushes, but Teest catches him with an elbow. Batista whips Cena to the corner, catches him with a big clothesline off the rebound. As soon as Cena gets back up, Batista catches him with a Big Boot. More mandatory counts - Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Batista slips out and tosses Cena into the corner post. Batista takes Cena down with a chop block, then works the leg with a low dropkick. Batista takes Cena between the ropes, hotshots him onto the middle ropes. Batista sets Cena's hurt leg against the pole, takes up a chair - rams the side of it into the injured leg! A count starts but Batista breaks it himself, continuing to work the leg. Cena stands in the corner, gets taken down with a Short Arm Clothesline. That was Jake Roberts handshake worthy! Cena gets up with a six count, taken down with a pretty nice Suplex. Cena stands, taken back down with a Chop Block. Cena gets to the outside, Batista follows, and Cena tries to fight back - but his leg gives out and he falls to the floor. Batista pulls Cena up, and tries to whip him into the steps - but Cena reverses, sending him into the steps instead! In the ring - Teest locks Cena into the Figure Four! Cena struggles to break it, tries to go for the "reverse the pressure" trick - and it works! Now, a double count here - both men up at six. They dash - double clothesline spot. Both up at seven - Cena ducks a clothesline, gets a number of Shoulder Blocks, nails the Protobomb! Five Knuckle Shuffle, Batista recoils and escapes to the outside. Cena follows to the outside - Batista digs under the ring, and catches cena with..the thing that tightens the turnbuckles before the match begins, apparantly. How the hell did Striker know that? Teest throws Cena into the ring, takes out another Steel Chair. In the ring, he goes for a shot, but Cena counters picking him up for the AA! (Which is for quitters!) Nails it onto the chair!

Count begins, Batista is up at 9 - Cena goes up top, but Batista shoves the Ref into the ropes, causing Cena to be crotched onto the top turnbcukle pad! Cena falls to the mat, Batista catches him with a big Spear! Cena fights to his feet, getting up at 8 - only to get hit with a second Spear. Again, Cena's up at 8. Teest takes Cena down, then goes to the outside to GET THA TABLES~! Well, okay, just one table, BUT STILL! Batista sets it up into the corner, Cena catches Teest and tries for the STF(U), but Batista kicks him off..through the table?! Damn, son, that's a strong kick! I mean, that's a Norris like kick! Cena gets to his feet by escaping to the floor at 8 - Batista follows, lifts Cena up and rams him into the Steel Pole! A kid in the crowd tells Batista he hates him, and Batista replies in kind..ha. Cena stands at seven - Batista throws Cena through the barricade! Cena barely fights up to his feet at 8. And now, Batista strips the announce table, throwing the fans and monitors at the commentators for the lulz. Batista then shoves Cena into the Corner Post, before taking the Steel Steps, and setting them up next to the table! Batista drags Cena onto the steps, and goes for the Batista Bomb - but Cena counters, nailing the Attitude Adjustment, from the steps to the table!! Count gets to 9 - Batista is up at the very last second! Damn son, thought that'd be the finish. Cena goes back to the outside, for another table that he throws into the ring. Cena throws Batista into the ring, sets him for the AA through this table - Batista gets out, throws Cena to the ropes, nails a Spinebuster through the table! Count starts, get to 9 - Cena's up, yet again! 'Teest is pissed. He sets Cena up - plants him with the Batista Bomb! Count starts, and amusingly Cena is completely flat on his stomach at 9, then springs right up just before 10. Teest goes back out, and throws the steps into the ring. 'Teest sets him up for another Batista Bomb onto the steps, but Cena trips Batista up into the STF! (By the way, how is taking "up" out of the initials make it any less offensive? It's still "Shut the fuck"..) Cena keeps him in the STF for a good while, before breaking it. Count starts, gets to 9 - Teest is up yet again. Cena goes to the outside, crotches Batista between the Steel Post..then gets out Duct Tape?! Cena tapes Batista's ankles together! The count starts, and Batista struggles wildly to try and tear the tape..he can't do it! Bah Gawd, folks, it's true - Duct Tape can fix anything! If can even help you keep your World Championship! BATISTA IS DOWN! BATISTA IS DOWN! BATISTA IS DOWN! The count gets to 10!! BATISTA IS DOWN!

Winner: John Cena

Rating: ***2/3

Very nice match, some good spots, and the finish - while a little..McGuyver-esque - was pretty clever.

...

BATISTA IS DOWN!

OH YEAH, YOU BET YOUR SWEET SUPPLE ASS THAT'S THE WAY WE'RE GOING OUT HERE!

Show Rating: ***2/3

BATISTA IS DOWN!

Jordan Huie is an incredibly sweet and innocent 16 year old, that's American by birth, and Southern BAH THE GRACE OF GAWD! Some people call him Zeel1. Some people call him TheYTViewer. Some people call him Y2Z. Some people call him Maurrriiice~! *Wah-wow!* His typical attire is a combo of T-Shirts with Affliction-esque designs, leather jackets, sunglasses, and Houndstooth Fedoras, which he enjoys wearing, even with the knowledge that it makes him look like Jimmy Hart's rebellous grandson. His first contact with any other living being was of a horse with a busted leg, who's owner shot himself, because he couldn't bare the weight of shooting said horse. Jordan, naturally, named the horse "Lucky", and Lucky walked through many mountains and valleys, despite his searing pains, to bring Jordan to his parents. His parents, in return, immediately shot Lucky, to show their appreciation. It is beleived that this experiance is what makes him the teenager he is today.

SEND FEEDBACK TO JORDAN HUIE

*Cena in the Army pic designed by Catherine Perez.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).