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WWE 
EXTREME
RULES
 2009
(06/07/09)
By Anthony Dean
 
Welcome to Extreme Rules, which, being that it's the WWE, includes such brutal stipulations as a mat based submission match, a regular fatal four way.and a match with pigs and mud around the ring for no reason. And in celebration of these levels of extreme, I've decided to emulate great TWF writers of the past by breaking a pretty superfluous rule, and by rule I mean law, and by breaking I mean I had three shots of what was practically rubbing alchohol and am now gingerly sipping a screwdriver because I am a toenail clipping away from being underweight, or I'm a faggot, whichever, so. I've always been curious if I'd type like I spoke when I drink anyway, so if this starts sounding obnoxious and defiant, I'm sorry and you're a cunt. I don't know if this will be really terrible or not, but it works for the other lushes and I mean shit, I gotta start doing something different, you know?! The point is, whoever said the internet doesn't promote having good times while committing victimless crimes was wrong. A lso nobody has ever said that, I googled it and everything. So yeah, enjoy having a group like MADD or some shit start an online petition that nobody will sign, Sean.

Anyway, let's get this party started, since we have to. The opening video package stresses that tonight there are no rules, even though all the matches have extra rules so it's pretty much the exact opposite of that. I'm going to laugh every time the ring announcer spends five minutes outlining the rules for a match. Anyway, our first craaaazy no rules rules match is a Fatal Four Way because that shit is always out of control only not at all. At all. ALL. AT ALL. Aaaaaalhcohol. Hyphens are for gays or somet hing because they look like little text dicks sort of but mostly because that key is broken on this keyboard. I sure talk about gay things a lot. Better get out my penis to start reaffirming my masculinity. And gayness. I'd strikethrough that last sentence to show that I know it's ridiculous and stupid but that'd look too much like a bunch of hyphens overlapping and possibly having gay sex with the other letters so fuck it.

Regal and Hardy come out to pretty much silence for the United States Championship match, not because they are both heels, or have lesser Power25 ratings, or are generally shit, but because they are white and the black people are keeping the white man down now, you know, Obama and stuff, whatever hollow reason you need to get behind this next idea, which is that we should kill them. I can say things like that without consequences because I am drunk and more of a nigger than you are anyway. Also it's the int ernet.
 
William Regal vs Matt Hardy vs MVP vs United States Champion Kofi Kingston, Title Match

Recently thrown together tag team that nobody cares about Regal and Hardy look to be plotting against the faces, but Regal betrays Matt right off the bat by shoving him into them for a gangbang. Nobody cares however because I mean they're both heels. That'd be like getting disgusted at a bank robber who, instead of going through with his partner's initial plan to rob a bank and possibly hurt people in the process, instead just shoves him down and takes his wallet. Anyway, Hardy gets his "ex" "partner," usin g both terms even looser than Matt Hardy's ex partner, any of them, back by shoving him into the black people shortly after. Kofi is pretty in control early, flying out onto Hardy and MVP before taking Regal back down in the ring with a flying crossbody for two. A really terrible Tower of Doom thing follows shortly after with Regal going for a super=something? on Kofi, only for MVP to come in and try to electric chair drop him. This leads to failure all around as everybody crashes and burns, quite literally I might add. I'm the fucking recapper here goddamnit Wrestlezone is wrong, there was flames. Matt Hardy comes in and tries to pick up a win over everybody but he's too late, hotplate. Smooth Bubblegum Tate said it. Fry said it. New paragraph.

Okay. Hardy starts hitting all of his signature moves that never win him anything unless the ref is looking for a severance package on everybody in the ring. Kofi eventually rises as the one to challenge him and does so valiantly, slamming him onto Regal and dropping both his legs on the very literal trainwreck carnage. There was flames. Kofi continues dominating people left and right and also straight ahead but not behind because that'd be gay. Dicks. Allright. Regal suplexes Kofi onto Matt and so Kofi say s fuck it and goes for the pin but it doesn't work. IT DOESN'T WORK. Next up Regal gets Drive By'd out of the ring and probably match as this has been going on for a little bit and it's just the opener and we absolutely need time for JOHN CENA VS BIG SHOW later, so let's hurry it up guys. MVP with some hope spots here at the end but Regal is back to bring him down, just figuratively though. He said a disparaging racial slur and it made MVP contemplate whether any real progress will ever truly be made. Regal clears the ring with the exception of the champion. Good strategy, top shelf planning there. It goes aces if aces are low as Kofi returns from a whip with the Trouble in Paradise or the Boom Boom Boom, whichever one is the leaping enziguri kick to the face. Oh hey that's it actually, he won with it. It's not a great move but I mean he's the champion, and who the fuck am I? A temporary Wal*Mart employee and volunteer resling joke riter with no girlfriend or prospects but some friends at least, I mean I'm no t fat, that's who.

Winner and STILL United States Champion : Kofi Kingston

IN THE PAEKING LOT NOW Josh Matthews is talking to Big Show about his submission match. Big Show says "I'm on a bus. I climb large parking garages motherfucker." and that was that. There was flames.

Mucha lucha is next with Rey Mysterio talking on the Lionhearted Chris Jericho. This match will be muy quetzacoatzel. That's all the Mexican I know. Jericho doesn't enter when his music hits, something he did on Smackdown earlier apparently. He says "I'm up here" and the camera pans toward the heavens, but comes back down and scopes around before finding him fucking around where you buy overpriced WWE shit such as Rey Mysterio masks. He says Rey is draining money from all his little impoverished homies in t he Barrio by obligating their parents into buying worthless toys instead of paying the water bill or say soap to go with the water they now won't be having. He says he's sick of the swiney people from South America being near him and smelling bad and getting him sick and he is ready to just start dousing their asses in bleach at the store and other public places where he has to see them. If you watched this Pay Per View you probably know by now that Jericho didn't say any of that and that I'm a racist. He d oes say though that he will take off Rey's mask tonight and win the Intercontinental Championship AGAIN.

Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio vs Chris Jericho, A Legitimate Extreme Rules Title Match

Rey is pissed off and attackles Jericho right away, beating him around and generally making him look like an asshole after all that spiel. He takes off the announcer table cover and starts to kill him but Jericho gets in a shot to take control and ram Rey round ringside. Rey kicks the steel steps into Jericho's legs as he was coming to redominate and hits a flying attack from the apron to resume the killing. Jericho is looking pretty bad. They both kind of look like children too. Pudgy playground bully Jeri cho vs the small for his age Mexican kid who doesn't really talk much but you kind of like him or at least appreciate his presence because he's pretty much the only kid quieter and more usually alone then you are so while you're both alone constantly at least you aren't alone in being alone. It's exactly like that.

Anyway this is a very good and long match but so I'm not going to talk about all of it, that's ridiculous. Rey did hit a cool 619 on a standing Jericho on the apron though, around the ringpost, following up by delivering a huge crossbody dive to Jericho on the floor. Jericho spent the majority of the match trying to remove Rey's mask while Rey spent the whole time trying to go for the 619 and of course being short and that's funny. He generally dominates, however, but after taking an INVERTED 619, Jericho p lants a flying Rey with a Codebreaker before going for a chair as I just remembered this match is Extreme Rules. Jericho just gets the chair dropkicked into his face anyway before getting legdropped with it like Sabu used to do, and then a drop toehold onto it like Raven used to do. He tries to go for a jumping move with assistance from the chair but Jericho catches his ass and locks in the Walls of Himself. Rey manages to grasp the chair, however, and maneuvers himself so he can nail Jericho with it. Jeric ho gets ready to take another 619 but he grabs Rey and pulls his mask off. NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS. EXCEPT YOU KNOW IN WCW SO IT'S NOT REALLY THAT BIG OF A DEAL. LIKE HE'S LOST HIS MASK AND WRESTLED WITHOUT HIS MASK BEFORE SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL. Rey makes like it is though and tries to hide his face as Jericho rolls him up for the win and the title.

Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion : Chris Jericho

He celebrates by holding up the belt and the mask as Rey snivels and hides his face like he's Kane or some shit. This is terrible. Everybody's seen Rey sans mask and besides it was just kind of boring in WCW since nobody gave a shit after immediately. We don't need to be reminded of anything to do with Kevin Nash anyway.

IN THE BACK NOW is Josh Matthews is talking to Batista about things. They talk about Randy Orton murdering Ric Flair with the force of air that came off from his foot going by so close to Naitch's head. We get a video recap and then go back to JOSH bothering DAVE some more. Batista basically says it's okay for Orton to kick people and put them out for months as long as those people aren't old and legendary and now Orton will pay, and tonight is only the beginning. He says he will take everything from Randy and destroy Legacy, a tall order to fill for sure. I mean can you imagine a guy like Batista taking on Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiase Jr, AND Randy Orton? You can? Because you've seen it pretty much every single week since Wrestlemania? And you loved every second of it and were never bored? Well good news!

Speaking of boring, here's Umaga! I used to really like him but at this point he is just a fat guy who fights people for no reason and never really achieves anything. How do you get behind that? You don't. Fat people go on top. It makes for funnier .gifs. CM Punk is out next. I don't really get this match. I mean Khali has the Punjabi Prison match because he's from India and they live in the jungle and entrap people in bamboo. Fine, okay, whatever. But why is Umaga's signature match a strap match? I mean sh it, apparently nobody wears fucking shoes in Samoa, why would the notion of belts ever cross their minds? "Yeah my feet are all cut up from walking on the sharp pieces of obsidian that we base our military weaponry around, but goddamnit if I'm going to let my straw pants hang loose."

Umaga vs CM Punk, Samoan Strap Match

This match, as I learned from JBL's Texas Bullrope match and not say Dusty Rhodes' strap matches because I am not one hundred years old or even twenty, is won by touching all for corners despite being tied to your opponent at the wrist. So yeah it'll probably be pretty awful. Both guys start off fighting instead of running towards opposing turnbuckles, only to snap back and comically collide heads, which is unfortunate. Umaga fucking pulls Punk away from a corner and hoists him up for a Samoan drop, I don't know it was cool. He then starts whipping the Straightedge Superstar with the strap because that would clearly do more damage than Umaga's big ass foot stomping on him. I mean maybe if the straps had barbed wire or like poisonous snake fangs from the jungles of Samoa or something attached to them, but as it is it's just flesh wounds. Umaga continues the assault by going outside and pulling Punk into the ringpost, totally wrecking his shit.

Back in Umaga resumes killing and then goes for winning, sending Punk over and out of the ring as he starts touching corners. He can't reach them all with Punk on the outside so he goes to yank Punk back in, but Punk catches him with a kick and springboard clothesline from the apron. GTS attempt despite the execution of the move proving impossible no less than four times in their last PPV match goes as you would expect, meaning it doesn't. Punk dodges an Umaga charge shortly after though and pulls the strap up after seeing it between Umaga's legs. They apparently don't have cups in Samoa either, as why would they I mean they just drink out of coconuts? On a completely unrelated note, Umaga is down. He then takes a turn at pulling Umaga into a ringpost with the strap before hitting the Pepsi One bulldog and Punk is touching corners and raping asses before Umaga stops that shit with a slam. Punk latches onto the ropes to stop him from reaching the final corner, so Umaga decides the best course of action to take here is to haphazardly run at Punk, who sends him over and out of the ring.

Punk gets another corner here as they are now 3 to 3, but Umaga pulls him down and goes up top only for Punk to pull him down, but he still can't reach the last corner as Umaga is reeling him in. Spike attempt misses and Punk quickly scoops him up for a GTS out of nowhere before touching the final corner and winning the match.

Winner : CM Punk

Wow, maybe the annual, and by annual I mean it happened exactly once, last year, but let's just call it annual to make it sound worse, CM Punk burial will be shorter this year than in the past. All he needs now is a shit world title run before ultimately losing it out of nowhere so he can move on to lower divisions and the cycle can repeat itself.

IN THE BACK ONCE MORE with um, Gregory Helms? What's up with that? Christian is all serious, saying if he retains he ends Dreamer's career and looks as if this troubles him before comparing Dreamer's physique to that of a melted candle. Dis or something. Dreamer then comes in and says if he has the body of a candle, Christian is the wick. CLASSIC COMEBACK. Incineration. Dreamer is the insult master. They start getting into it when Jack Swagger arrives to deliver some harsh disses of his own I'm sure, but Ch ristian and Dreamer hilariously just shut up and walk away with an air of "ehhhhh", leaving him by himself and looking like That Guy.

Jack Swagger vs Tommy Dreamer vs ECW Champion Christan, Extreme Rules Title/Retirement Match

It's Swagger vs the faces in the early part with Swagger looking pretty dominant until they went for a trashcan full of weapons. Swagger soon finds himself being lit up with a kendo stick and Christian armed himself with a trash can lid. They take their shots and Dreamer delivers a White Russian with the stick but Christian breaks up the pin. Dreamer, annoyed Christian wouldn't hand over his title so easily, turns his stick on Christian before putting him down with a suplex. Christian leaves and Swagger tak es over on Dreamer with his power game before being outsmarted by Dreamer and backbodydropped over the top. He's like a Batista with charisma and also ability and basically reasons to be featured on the program prominently or at all. Dreamer than grabs a trash can and leaps off of the apron with it, taking Christian and Swagger down. He chooses Swagger to roll back in and hits a second rope cane shot before setting JACK up for the baseball slide in the corner with a trash can, but Christian intervenes, putt ing TOMMY down before executing the move on Swagger himself. Christian and Dreamer go at it once more with Christian sending Dreamer from the ring this time.

Swagger takes over on Christian here with more POWER MOVES. He looks take off a turnbuckle cover, you know, which is exactly how he lost his title, but Dreamer nails him with a shot from the outside. He breaks up Christian's cover with a trash can lid and slams him down on it but misses a flying elbow. Christian leaps out onto Swagger here only to get caught with a trash can shot. Dreamer goes around throwing a shitton of weapons in the ring for his opponents to arm themselves with upon his return. Swagger picks the trash can lid but Dreamer stops that shit with a kendo stick, only for Swagger to kill him anyway with even more POWER MOVES. He sets up some trash cans on the mat for a superplex landing but Christian enters to powerbomb Swagger down, sending Dreamer into the trashcans and Swaggerton to the mat. He covers both but both kick out, so Christian goes out for a crutch. He comes flying off the top with it but Swagger stops it mid air before sending him into the corner with the turnbuckle he took off ea rlier. Powerbomb attempt is broken up by Dreamer who nails Swagger with the crutch before hitting him again in the back, breaking the crutch. He executes a DDT and gets the win holy shit what.

Winner and NEW ECW Champion and not retired for now : Tommy Dreamer

He soaks in the feeling of victory, something he hasn't felt in a long time outside of sparse tag match wins in which he got his ass kicked anyway, and celebrates with the crowd as if people like him like they do Sandman or something.

IN THE BACK is Vickie wearing a night gown for some reason and Chavo who is training her for her hog pen match or whatever the fuck. Vickie is practicing boxing. Chavo is wearing a pig nose and makes squealing noises and Vickie hits him. Let us move on.

I really didn't want to watch this or even write about it. But I did watch it but I didn't think I was going to write about it, but I guess I should, but so it'll have to be from memory now since I really was planning on not writing anything when it happened. So here is what happened ;

* The ring was surrounded by pigs and troughs and buckets of slop
* Jerry Lawler made a poop joke
* Santino is dressed as Santina and his opponents are Chavo and Vickie who have to tag in and out
* Chavo and Santina wrestle for a minute
* Then they throw buckets of slop at each other
* After a short time Santino wins
*Vickie and Chavo slip and get dirty a lot

So Santina is Mrs. Wrestlemania again, for the one person out there who needed to know this. Now let us move on to better things, such as Batista. IN THE BACK FOR WHAT IS PERHAPS THE FINAL TIME we get Chavo saying he's sorry to Vickie who is angry that she is no longer Miss Wrestlemania even though who the fuck cares. They walk by a hall of undercardsmen and to Vickie's office where Edge is chilling. Edge tells her to look at herself and how far she's fallen after a couple months away from him. He says that now he is stuck fighting Jeff Hardy without her help and says to get a good attorney because they're getting divorced. Vickie starts crying. Since when do they not get along? I don't watch the shows but I mean as far as I understood it Vickie was still regularly helping Edge but okay. Maybe she'll marry Chavo next and it can get sexy. ANIMAL TIME.

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs Batista, Steel Cage Title Match

Randy Orton leaps up the cage immediately after the bell rings, almost escaping until Batista yanked him down. God that would have been a great match though. Anyway Batista takes over and slams Orton around and everything, all that, you know. He hits like three spears until Orton finally dodges one and Batista's head collides with the steel mesh. Orton tries to escape again but Batista again brings him back down for more pummeling. Orton soon tries to get out through the door but Batista again prevents his escape. This is pretty boring I'm just going to kind of zone out until the end. Okay well I know I said that and a couple minutes went by but now Orton is in control and could have escaped but instead is ready to punt Batista's head. Teest moves and Orton looks about retarded as he panickingly scrambles up the cage. Batista tries to pry him off but Orton swats him away. He goes for an RKO but Batista propels him onward into the cage wall, following up with a Batista Bomb for the pinfall. Well allright.

Winner and NEW WWE Champion : Batista

That was extremely short. I guess they knew it would be shit and that nobody would care so they just blatantly made it pretty much a squash. They should do that more often, I mean if they're gonna stick Batista in main events you might as well at least limit his time in there. GREAT MATCH. Best one all fucking night, whatever you want to hear just keep that motherfucker offscreen. IN THE BACK SURPRISINGLY YET AGAIN John Cena is getting pumped. Hopefully they'll keep this style with their next match.

John Cena vs Big Show, Submission Match

Whelp during this video package my feed cut out so um.

Winner : John Cena

Hypothetical review time! I bet that was a pretty boring match, you know, slow, nothing new at all, and I'm sure Cena used the STF despite them saying how he couldn't lock it in. Either that or something really gay like a sleeper hold for the surprise submission, or to try to bring some credibility back to that move for like a day. OR THE MASTERLOCK to promote the returning Chris Masters! Hell, maybe he returned as a face and put Big Show out, I don't know. I could just look up what happened but then so cou ld you. I guess it's about time for the main event now. I'll do it tomorrow.
AT TOMORROW NOW we are all set to go with our Main Event! And I already read what happened but I'll act surprised nevertheless.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs Jeff Hardy, World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match

They have just an absolute plethora of ladders all over the arena. Hardy shows off his daredevilness by walking under ladders, the madman. Anyway, in a match like this, nobody cares about the slow buildup to the action, or the psychology, or whatever, it's the ladder spots, and oh my God were their ladder spots. The early ones were a quick succession of getting thrown into a ladder, or landing on a ladder, things like that. At one point Edge locked in a Sharpshooter with Jeff all twisted up in a ladder on t he ground and he tapped right the fuck out. Edge tries to end it early by climbing from here but Hardy dropkicks the ladder from a turnbuckle and Edge falls all the way down. Hardy goes out to get a big ass ladder and sets it up, giving Edge a regular Twist of Fate to keep him down. Edge rolls away as he sees Jeff scaling the big ass ladder, so Jeff jumps onto the rope holding up the belt above the ring, knocking the ladder over. Edge then just grabs his legs and pulls him back down with Jeff landing on the ladder.

Edge sets up the ladder in a corner but Hardy stops him, then hits a whisper in the wind from the ladder in the corner. Next up, on the outside, a ladder is lain across like a bridge from the apron to the crowd barrier. They ignore it for a bit, doing other moves with things that aren't ladders, but like I said they're not ladders so they will not be reported here. Also I'm pretty late turning this in. Back to the bridge ladder, Edge gets laid on it, then later says it was just a quick soaping of his ass. H ardy climbs up the giant ladder but Edge wakes up and climbs up the other end before Hardy can murder him through the ladder. They fight precariously on the top of the ladder until the inevitable happens and it topples over, sending both of them through the bridge ladder and breaking it. We get a minute of selling and solemnness as both are checked on, but they recover and get back into the ring because people need to see guys hit eachother with ladders, goddamnit. Hardy climbs up for the title but Edge com es off of the ladder in the corner with a flying spear, only for Jeff to impossibly catch him with a Twist of Fate off the ladder that was really just Jeff kind of jumping at Edge with the announcers going "TWIST OF FATE!" I mean if I was climbing a ladder and got caught by surprise like that I probably would execute the twist to complete perfection, that is all I'm saying.

Hardy reclimbs the ladder but Edge is up to do battle atop the ladder again, sending Jeff down to the mat. Jeff manages to pull Edge through the ladder, though. I know that sounds weird but it's what he did, shit. Edge gets trapped between two of the upper rungs, stuck up to his hips in ladder, and has to watch as Hardy climbs up and grabs the belt for the win.

Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion : Jeff Hardy

After the match JR gets in to interview Hardy like he always does when somebody wins a title. You know, all the time, just a regular old interWAIT IT'S CM PUNK! Punk comes down to the ring and half the crowd cheers because they're idiots and don't realize what is going on. The boos start coming in as they begin to understand what is going on as Punk gives the ref his briefcase. The bell rings with Hardy on the ground against the ropes. Punk hoists him up and nails him with a GTS, but Hardy kicks out to a po p. Punk goes to grab him but Jeff rolls him up to another big pop. Punk breaks away and looks annoyed before giving Jeff a kick and a second GTS for the win.

Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion : CM Punk

Punk celebrates with his new title as referees try to wipe away Jeff's bitchtears to close out the show.
 
Okay well this was a weird show, I mean we got four, well five new champions if you count Jeff's win, and I mean one of them is fucking Tommy Dreamer. Most of the matches were at the very least pretty okay and some important things happened so I guess that's supposed to be good, however I wasn't able to masturbate to the "Diva" match, and on a wildly unrelated note, John Morrison and his glittery abs was left off the show alltogether, so I can't in good conscience give this show a thumbs up, unless you like wrestling or the storylines or whatever, then yeah I guess so. What I'm saying is END SHOW.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).