Pop Quiz: When you unexpectedly stumble across a picture of TNA wrestler and Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle destroying the unholy abyss (not this one) that is some frightened woman's corn hole, what do you do?
Sure, you scratch your eyes out and scream, but then what? THAT'S RIGHT, you ask Sean Carless why he has a picture of Angle spreading his seed sitting in one of TWF's images folder. Here's an excerpt of our MSN conversation:
Catherine: Okay, I keep passing by this picture in the sitebuilderpictures folder of Kurt Angle ravaging some poor girl's love hole and making one hell of an O-face. Tell me it's photoshopped. Sean: link me Catherine:kurtoface.jpg Sean: LOL! Catherine: It might just be the most hilarious thing I've ever seen of Angle. Sean: It's real Catherine: Damn real? Sean: from a movie where he's a clown rapist Sean: LOL! Catherine: ........LOL!!!! WHAT. Sean: LOL, IT'S TRUE. IT'S DAMN TRUE. Catherine: DEAR GOD. I have to see that fucking movie now.
"That fucking movie" is END GAME, or ENDGAME (the movie itself can't decide), starring Angle and Jenna Morasca of Survivor and worst women's wrestling match ever fame. According to IMDB, Angle plays Brad Mayfield, a deranged criminal with a penchant for kidnapping, assault with a deadly penis, Chinese food, and murder. He's being hunted down by Detective Dan Burk, who isn't played by Josh Server of All That fame, but by Eric Wright. Burk is also going through a rocky marriage with an insufferable bitch of a wife, so, naturally, he becomes romantically involved with the stripper roommate of Mayfield's last victim, Carol Peterlake (played by Morasca), who gets kidnapped along with Burk's daughter by Mayfield. IT'S A RACE AGAINST TIME, YOU SEE. This movie is basically your typical low-budget thriller, only now with a hilarious WWE Films-esque spin to it (or perhaps even TNA FILMS, if this is to be believed)! Turns out this movie came out back in 2009, but can you blame me for just finding out about it recently? I'd hope that watching Angle hate-fuck women to death isn't high on anyone's To Do list. Except mine, only because this is an untapped comedic gold mine for TWF. I mean, just look at the trailer!
It's Suburban Commando for the 21st century, only with less "Commando" and more "Crazy stripper Murderer-Rapist"! That being said, let's dive right into END GAME~!
Our film begins with some smooth, jazzy background music; exactly the kind of music to set the mood for a little anal obliteration. Mayfield's looking out a window as some girl (later identified as Beatrice Fraser) asks him why he hadn't taken her to a nicer hotel. His honest-to-God reply? "It's cheap, and when they find your body, they'll wonder, 'What's a beautiful girl like you doing at a place like this?'" At least he's honest. He takes some pictures of her and engages in some chit-chat before unzipping his pants and handcuffing her to the bed. Four minutes in, and he's already plowing this girl! So much for a more distinguished acting debut, lady. Hey, if it worked for Kim Kardashian...
Here's one thing I never want to hear out of Angle's mouth again: "Do you wanna cum? TELL ME YOU WANNA CUM." EGADS. His thrusts place him mere inches away from smacking his head into the camera lens, too. This guy fucks about as well as Tommy Wiseau in "The Room". Before long, Beatrice (who was probably the most boring sex partner ever) becomes Victim #1 when our Olympic hero places his giant hand on her face, choking her to death in mere seconds as he, uh, finishes off and utters, "Was it good for you? 'Cause it was good for me." It's at this point that I'm pretty convinced that Mayfield kills his sex mates before climax so they never have to know that he reaches it prematurely. Man, who knew that this is what Angle's idea of a rear naked choke looks like?
We're introduced to Detective Mackle (played by Sam Nicotero), Detective Burk, Lt. Lattimore (played by Jonas Chaney) and a few other guys in the next scene as more credits roll. There's barely any mention of names, however, so I had initially thought that Mackle was our movie's protagonist. Mackle's snapping photos of the dead body with one of those vintage consumer cameras with the giant, smoky flash bulb from the 1960s, which, I think, lets us know that he's the grizzled veteran who's been there and done that.
We learn that our victim died not of asphyxiation, but of A SEVERE LACK OF OXYGEN. It's here that you can almost visualize the screenwriter trashing his little studio apartment in anger because he completely blanked on the word "asphyxiation". I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit, too. Mayfield had his hand on that girl's face for all of ten seconds; it'd be more plausible to list her cause of death as "grievous intestinal destruction by way of penis". Quote of the scene: "I think it's the best-lookin' stiff I've seen in a long time." Obvious reply: If ya think that's stiff, ya shoulda seen her when she was fucking~! Mackle suggests that Burk interview the hotel manager, and we're immediately thrusted (heh) into the next scene.
Burk interviews the greasy, fat, stringy-haired hotel manager who seemingly owns every cheap motel in Movieland. Holy shit, tell me this guy has a giant python named Damien stashed away somewhere. He looks like Jake Roberts! And Ron Jeremy! And David Crosby! And maybe even Earl from My Name Is Earl! And Fat Scott Hall! Is it cool if I throw in "a fat Gallagher"? HE'S A CHAMELEON. I digress. Our hotel manager is of no help, instead more interested in having the crime scene cleaned up so he can rent out the room.
Outside, Lt. Lattimore reveals that Beatrice had a roommate. And that's it. Burk is elated about this break in the case! Or, um, he would be if he were in the hands of a more competent actor. This exchange is filmed at a very awkward MySpace-esque angle. I guess the director thought that showing half of the hotel sign overhead was really important. After Lattimore and Burk ride off into the sunset, the camera slowly pans upward as if the viewer is about to get some big, foreshadowing information from the hotel sign. That information? "JENNY'S LAFAYETTE HOTEL". Dear CHRIST, the hotel manager from earlier is named Jenny! Lattimore! Burk! COME BACK~!
Meanwhile, someone's knocking at apartment 9. It's MAYFIELD, wearing the worst disguise in the history of disguises. I'm not kidding; the costume consists only of latex placed over the lower half of his face that makes him look chubby, and a stuffed jacket that makes him look about sixty pounds heavier. He can't possibly think he's fooling anyone with that costume. I'm going to go ahead and believe that this get-up, coupled with the apartment being numbered "9", is a tribute to Tor Johnson in Plan 9 from Outer Space.
The door opens, and it turns out that this is the apartment of Carol Peterlake (Morasca), and Mayfield's posing as Detective Bishop, homicide division. He's even using a husky Batman voice. Here's a good question: how does he know where Beatrice lived? I don't think we're going to get that one answered. "Detective Bishop" is here to inform Carol of some tragic news that she might want to sit down for. No time is wasted on letting Carol get comfortable before "Bishop" spews out, "Your roommate, Beatrice, was murdered." Carol is completely unfazed by this news. No despaired scream, no crying, not even an "Oh my God". In fact, when she finally speaks, it's to point "Bishop" in the direction of Beatrice's room. Did he just call her "Miss Benderlake"? As he looks for some evidence (namely phone books and diaries that might mention him), Carol is in the background doing absolutely nothing. "Bishop" finds what he needs and wraps up his little visit, but not before ASKING CAROL OUT FOR DINNER. Quote of the scene: "Do you like Chinese food? ('No.') I'm sorry. Doesn't hurt to try." [Post-movie note: REMEMBER THIS EXCHANGE FOR LATER, READERS.] The girl's friend was just savagely murdered... by him! Not that she seems to care, but still! It's called tact! And we're only eleven minutes into the movie~!
Outside of this apartment building, Lt. Lattimore and Detective Burk are having a conversation that quickly leads into Burk reminiscing about a victim who, if I understand correctly, drowned in a bucket of water during sex. WAIT, WHAT? Why would that suddenly be on his mind? What does that have to do with this investigation? I'd keep my eye on Burk, if I were Lattimore. He's quickly becoming the creepiest bastard in this movie, no doubt due to the man's wooden acting.
The two pass by "Detective Bishop" outside and head upstairs to apartment 9, where Carol is neither upset nor crying. "That was fast," she remarks. I'm sure she's referring to the time it took to recover from the loss of her friend. Burk, master thespian that he is, and also through the art of bad camera work and editing, stares off into space as he asks, "Whadoyoumeanbyfaaast?"
[Post-movie note: Sean Carless has brought something hilarious to my attention via MSN:
Sean: Detective Burk holds a strange and disturbing resemblance to Dave Meltzer Catherine: LOL! Sean: Meltzer gives this clown anal raping ****3/4 Catherine: LOL!! Dear God.]
Carol explains that a detective had already visited her. Dear Christ, Burk actually looks out the window to see if Mayfield's conveniently still standing outside. OF COURSE NOT. Even worse, Burk immediately comes to the conclusion that the cop that visited Carol was a FAKE, and COULD EVEN BE THE KILLER. He suggests that Carol seek refuge elsewhere, since Mayfield knows where she lives somehow, but she refuses! How can they be okay with that?! These bumbling cops are treating this grave situation with all the seriousness of a fucking April Fools' joke! Shockingly enough, so is Carol! YOUR FRIEND WAS JUST FUCKED TO DEATH BY THE MAN WHO KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE. PRETEND TO CARE, AND MAYBE RUN. At least they're stationing a cop outside the building to keep an eye out for any funny business.
Later, we get what is supposed to be a dramatic shot of Mayfield walking into his apartment and removing his fat guy prosthetics, which literally consists of taking off his hat and peeling off a thin layer of latex fat. GASP! You mean it was Mayfield all along?! He stares into his mirror, and we cut to Casa Burk, where Burk walks into his daughter's bedroom and gives her a kiss goodnight, then enters his own bedroom. We're treated to your typical "why so late" exchange where the pissed off wife doesn't approve of her husband's late working hours. Burk's wife is really in for the kill tonight, as her sense of sarcasm is at its sharpest despite just waking up. Mrs. Burk remarks that Burk reeks like a brewery, and is completely dismissive of Burk's visit to the medical examiner's office. "I don't see why you don't just work the system like everyone else," she says. "Just get your degree and move on." Burk tells her that he's happy where he is right now. "I didn't marry you for better or worse." His wife says. "Just for better." Lying to the minister at your own wedding? What a bitch.
The next morning, a new character steps into his limo. He's Mr. Bergman, who's concerned about the death of Bea Fraser. I think I failed to mention at the beginning of this whole thing that Beatrice told Mayfield that Bergman was her "sponsor" who paid for her dance lessons. And probably also fucked her a few times. So, yeah. He doesn't want to be implicated in her murder in any way, which is cool because he didn't even fucking kill her. No, what he wants is to make sure that he can't be connected to her at all, since that would ruin his reputation. Mr. Bergman tells his chauffeur that they have to search Bea's apartment and get rid of anything that could even imply that he knew her. Fuck, does EVERY guy in town know where Beatrice lived?! Luckily, the chauffeur knows just the guy who can take care of this mess.
At some school, Burk interviews an interpretive dance instructor. This guy looks less like an instructor and more like just a perv in a suit watching four girls put together a routine that looks like something they had learned from a Flirty Girl Fitness DVD. Terrible stuff. The dance instructor tells Burk that Beatrice was a great dancer. As if this is crucial information in a murder investigation... Hilariously enough, the guy even says that Beatrice rarely socialized outside of the dance company. You know, I highly doubt that she met that Bergman guy, much less Mayfield, at a fucking dance recital. The entire town knows where she lives, for God's sake! The subject turns to Carol. The instructor calls Carol a bad influence because she doesn't do things for the sake of art, but rather for money. People who do things for money, he says, are WHORES. That's right! Doctors? WHORES. Personal care assistants? WHORES. Journalists? WHORES. Construction workers? WHORES. Subway sandwich artists? WHORES. Prostitutes? WHORES. Wait. Dear Christ, this guy is a total hippie douchebag. He has no time for girls who don't dedicate themselves to THE DANCE. The funniest thing here is that his tone of voice gets pretty hostile after asking if he's a suspect. The way he's shitting all over Carol like that, he damn well did a great job of implicating himself! Even funnier, Burk tells him "it's a good possibility". What the fuck, Burk?! How good is that possibility when he doesn't even have the evidence to back that up?
Later (this movie kind of has a blatant disregard for night and day, I've noticed), Mr. Bergman's chauffeur is chatting with his aforementioned problem solver, who's already dressed like a cat burglar; an outfit that just screams "arrest me!" when he's sitting in a diner in the middle of the day. His job is to break into Carol's apartment and get rid of any evidence that connects Mr. Bergman to Beatrice. The guy raises concerns of Carol being home, but the chauffeur assures him that Carol doesn't come home from her stripping job until 3 A.M. What is it with these characters and their incredible knowledge of every little detail in Carol's and Beatrice's lives? Village bicycles, I'm telling you. The chauffeur pays the man half his fee; the guy even flashes the bills towards the camera as if to assure the viewers that the movie does indeed have some sort of budget. Nice job flashing a wad of bills in a public area where there might be security cameras filming your every move, too. And I thought this guy was a professional!
Get this: The officer (who kind of looks like Wilford Brimley) whose job it is to guard the main door of Carol's building WANDERS OFF and heads to the same diner that night for some eggs. Like clockwork, the cat burglar is soon trying to break into apartment 9, waking Carol from her sleep. Say, shouldn't she be stripping somewhere? The idiot drops his screwdriver inside and sticks his hand in through the opening to retrieve it. The way the chauffeur hyped this guy up, you'd think he'd be a little more competent at this sort of thing. Needless to say, Carol grabs the screwdriver and stabs the guy's hand! Ah, there's where Endgame's budget went~! Even then, she stabbed through a glove, so, in conjunction with the shitty lighting in this movie, you can't see shit.
We cut to the guy getting arrested, and-- HEY! Where's the wound? They seriously filmed this bit with the guy's gloves off and they didn't bother to add a single speck of blood through either practical or CGI effects. Did no one catch this in editing?! Also, the cops arrived at the scene with the usual "105 North Avenue 52" stock dispatch call in the background. 105 North Avenue has got to be an absolute cesspool of crime. Oh, it's alright now, everyone; Burk's arrived on the scene! The officer who wandered off into the diner's been suspended, and rightly so; there's no room on the squad for guys who favor their hankerin' for eggs over keeping a girl safe from anal rape and death! What follows is some absolutely terrible dialog between Burk and Carol. Carol asks, as terribly and as stoic as possible, "Was he after me?" Burk, God bless the blundering retard, replies with, "I don't know. It's hard to say." You are after a man who is murdering women; it's EASY to assume that the man who is breaking into her home is after her! Burk thinks he could've been after something in the apartment. Hey, let's not blame the actor for his almost PSYCHIC deduction skills; this is clearly a major flaw of the writer. Burk assures Carol that if she is ever in need, she can call the cop downstairs. She retorts with, "Oh, is he gonna be there this time?" Well, Burke?
No time to answer that question, as we're quickly thrown into a new setting: Lt. Lattimore's office! This scene is super short and utterly pointless, so let's move along.
Bea Fraser's funeral is a small, intimate deal. It's fucking hilarious that men have vastly outnumbered women in the tiny crowd. Carol helps a weeping, elderly woman (I guess that's Bea's mom) up to the open casket as Burk arrives in the background. Turns out that he's standing right next to Mayfield, who's disguised himself now with a terrible wig and a pair of glasses. He even pushes the glasses up as some kind of wink-wink nudge-nudge to the viewer. Burk and Mayfield engage in some small talk, and Burk quickly whips out his badge and asks to see some identification. Egads, man, this is a funeral home! HAHAHA, the old guy sitting in front of them just gazed into the camera!
Anyway, the disguised Mayfield is almost stunned. "Excuse me, sir, I'm a little offended. We're in a funeral home!" I KNOW! Burk doesn't even know this guy; where's the reason in suddenly asking this one guy for ID instead of, say, the old guy sitting in front of them? It's amazing how Burk comes off as the smartest guy and the biggest idiot in this movie at the same time. Suddenly, the elderly woman in front of the casket conveniently faints, causing a distraction (if you can call it that; no one, except one guy, seems to flinch) that gives Mayfield the perfect opportunity to make his escape.
Burk drives up to two cops and shows them the ID Mayfield presented, announcing that he's working on a warrant. Please tell me Mayfield didn't give Burk his actual fucking ID. YOUFUCKINGMONGOLOID. Mayfield's supposed to be a master of disguise and he wasn't even prepared with a fake ID!
There's a short bit where Mayfield, genius that he's proven himself to be, takes up residence at DANNY'S MOTEL. Not quite as fancy as Jenny's Lafayette, but it'll do. I wouldn't be surprised if he signed his actual name on that check-in paper. He enters the room, exits to make sure no one's following him, he enters again, he pisses, he looks into a mirror. That's it. Was this really necessary? This took up about two minutes of film.
Mr. Bergman's sitting in his limo, alone, with no chauffeur. Mayfield enters the limo in his Detective Bishop costume. Bergman swears that he had nothing to do with Bea Fraser's death. Why aren't these cops testing DNA samples or anything? I'm sure Bea's got plenty to offer! I guess this won't be necessary, as Mayfield assures Bergman that the police know he's innocent, despite having dinner and fucking her that night. "How can you be so sure that I didn't kill her?" Bergman asks. Why would he ask a stupid question like that if he's innocent? A question like that implies that he had something to do with it when he clearly didn't! Here's a better question: How does Mayfield know that Bergman had sex with Bea? Mayfield answers the first with, "Well, that's simple; because I did!" He STABS Bergman in the heart! Good thing Bergman didn't have to suffer the indignity of butt sex.
Bergman's chauffeur is being questioned at the police station. Apparently this guy interacted with "Detective Bishop" in the limo near a coffee shop. There was room in this movie for Mayfield taking a piss, but none for this exchange? Hold on, he just said he spoke with Mayfield in the limo near a coffee shop about Bea's death, yet this contradicts the last scene where we saw Mayfield enter the limo and introduce himself at the exact spot that it was parked in the first scene it was featured in. How did this guy manage a chat about Bea Fraser with Bergman sitting in the back seat to hear it all? This story's got more holes than a French whore; ARREST THIS MAN WITHOUT DELAY!
Mayfield's sneaking up a fire escape, entering his apartment that's lit up with more green than a DX entrance. He goes through a ton of papers and pictures; presumably those of his past victims. In one of the more baffling moments of this movie, Mayfield CALLS DETECTIVE BURK'S HOUSE. There's no way he could've gotten this number! Mrs. Burk answers the phone, and Mayfield asks how her daughter is doing. HOW? How does he know?! Mrs. Burk barely makes it past the word "Huh" before Burk snatches the phone away and demands to know who is on the other end of the line. This guy certainly is jumpy tonight. "It's Brad Mayfield, who'dja think?" Dear God. I'm convinced that Burk's been sucking his stomach in and puffing his chest out for the entire duration of the movie.
Mayfield: What made you think it was me at the funeral home? Burk: Call it a talent.
Talent? No, no, no. Talent is completely absent from this film. Talent isn't even in the same zip code as this movie. Burk and talent can't even build a platonic friendship on eHarmony. Burk is an awkward retard with a Forrest Gump haircut. In fact, the man playing Burk is by far the worst actor in the movie. When Kurt Angle is out-acting the entire cast, it's time to call it a career. It's not quite Troll 2 bad, but it's bad nonetheless.
Burk gets off the phone and tells his wife that Mayfield's at his apartment. She asks him how he can be so sure. Good question! You can't just trust a serial killer's word like that. Burk's replies in a matter-of-fact tone, "He told me." Mayfield also told him he was a friend of Bea Fraser's, and look at how well that turned out.
Mayfield ended up setting his apartment ablaze, so all that good evidence is gone. Burk goes to Carol's place and informs her that Mayfield was living on the same street as her, which is "possibly" how he got to Beatrice. Just possibly? Carol wants to know how Bea died, and Burk gladly obliges, telling her that she was suffocated during sex. Carol, VISIBLY RATTLED by this most heinous information, replies with "Oh. God." Burk, being the certified genius that he is, deduces that the killer gets off on it. YOU THINK? And here I thought Mayfield was fucking these girls for his own health!
The next day, Carol meets with the hippie dance instructor who called her a whore. He offers her top billing in the dance company. I thought he hated her because she didn't dedicate herself to the dance! We can't just have any WHORE starring in Swan Lake! Hippie wants her to quit her stripper job, but, damn it, it pays her bills! She's right! Why dance for some artsy fartsy ballet troupe when she can dance at a strip club AND make enough money to pay the rent? The choice is clear. This exchange, like most of this movie, was unneeded. However, we can rejoice, for the movie is halfway done!
Mayfield's handed in his resignation at Nameless Office Building. Ah, so he has a day job! You know, it's incredible that these cops can't catch this guy when they know where he lives, can track him down at his workplace, AND have a picture ID-- ALL UNDER HIS REAL NAME. I put all blame on Burk. It's his case, after all. Mayfield seems to be a well-respected member of the Nameless Office family, and they wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors. Mayfield and a co-worker who looks a lot like Sarah Palin go out for a few drinks. This should be good.
Meanwhile, at the strip club, Carol tells her sassy, black friend that she's thinking about that offer to return to dancing for the hippie. Sassy calls Carol stupid and reminds her that stripping pays her bills. You betta listen to yuh friend, gurrrrl!
Mayfield and Sarah Palin return to Palin's house for a nightcap. Mayfield likes the house enough to make it his new hideout. He follows Palin into the kitchen and starts to feel her up. This movie has pretty much proven to me that Kurt Angle is terrible at kissing and worse at foreplay. Karen Jarrett, I'm sure, will bring this up on the next TNA Impact. Does that mean Jeff Jarrett is a better lover than Kurt Angle? Let that stew in your noggin for a bit.
Once in bed, Palin tells about how her husband was deployed to Iraq a month after their wedding and was killed during his first mission. God, how tragic. Before you can feel sorry for her and paint up your anti-war picket signs, she bursts into laughter and calls her dead husband a klutz who had no business fighting in a war. Now, this should be REALLY good: Palin's got her hair down now, and she looks less like Palin and more like Dixie Carter.
Thankfully, Mayfield ends up slapping the shit out of her before breaking her neck and damn near spinning her head around like her name is Regan MacNeil. AND THAT'S FOR FUMBLING THE SECOND COMING OF "THEY"~! See, Mayfield just made a HUGE mistake here. Now everyone who's ever known him at work is going to know that it's him killing women off! This movie should be over within minutes now.
We transition back to the Crazy Horse Gentlemen's Club, where some bad Reggaeton music is blaring through the speakers. The stripper's dancing in front of a PACKED HOUSE of six horny guys for all of fifteen seconds before giving up the stage to Carol. Sure, you think your Endgame viewing experience is about to pay off once you get a glimpse of Jenna Morasca's knockers, but let's not forget that she's playing that stripper you've seen in a ton of movies who doesn't drop a single thread of clothing. She gyrates her hips, she squats like she's ready to shit on this entire movie, she spins around the stripper pole, and that's it. Burk shows up at the club for a drink and to watch her dance because he's becoming a creepy horndog who seems to have fallen in love with Carol. I can't imagine why, but, then again, both of them are emotionless, blank slates with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, so it's really no surprise that they'd both find that trait incredibly attractive.
Back at Carol's apartment, Burk fucks Carol. Ugh. Come on, movie, Burk CAN'T be the kind of guy who manages to successfully get two different women in the sack. He's a total fucking goober! I actually feel sorry for all the single men and women on this planet when DETECTIVE BURK, of all people, is managing an extramarital affair! I'm more than willing to buy KURT ANGLE as a rape-happy murderer, but Burk as an attractive man? HA! HAHA! Next they'll try to tell me that his wife is okay with all this.
I'm positive that even this movie realizes how vomit-inducing a Detective Burk sex scene sounds, so they skip it altogether and jump ahead to Casa Burk, where Burk's in bed and reading a book. Remember, this is a movie that showed us THIS:
Mrs. Burk enters the bedroom to collect the laundry (how convenient to the plot), and she gets a whiff of the Chanel perfume lingering on Burk's work shirt. You know, Chanel's a pretty pricey perfume, and Carol seems more of a Family Dollar body spray type, so I'm going to assume that Carol collects magazine perfume samples and rubs them all over herself every morning. Smells like a winner~! Mrs. Burk seems to not give a shit about the mystery smell, but she throws the shirt in Burk's face and tells him to wash it himself. Fuck other women behind my back, will you? Suffer the wrath of Downy laundry detergent!
Carol takes a friend out for a drink and laments the fact that she can't find a guy who isn't married. One: I thought Carol got out of work at 3 AM. Two: I can totally see Mayfield sitting at the bar behind them. Good; Carol can ID this guy even without the shitty fat detective costume, and this movie should be over within seconds once she screams bloody murder and points him out as the killer. OH GOD. This is incredible; she goes up to the bar for another drink, LOOKS RIGHT AT MAYFIELD as he smugly asks, "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?", and she doesn't recognize the guy! Shakes his hand! Engages in chit-chat! This woman is an IDIOT. Oh, it gets better. Mayfield asks her out to dinner, even going so far as to question if she likes Chinese food! HELLO? HELLO?!?! Nothing! She turns him down and walks off, leaving Mayfield with a coy smile on his face that reads, "Man, she's kind of a gullible dumbass, isn't she?"
I just thought of something. Mayfield took Dixie Palin out for drinks, I'm assuming, at this very bar. Palin was pretty shitfaced, too, so I know they were there for at least a few hours. The serial killer story is front page news, and I've got a good feeling that there's a picture of Palin attached to the story that, say, this bar's employees can easily recognize. Mayfield, ID'd in the paper as the last guy who saw Palin, is sitting right at the fucking bar! Why aren't Palin's co-workers being questioned? Why doesn't the bartender recognize him? Even then, aren't there surveillance cameras in this bar? Not that this even matters, because they know it's Mayfield! This is a guy who's TERRIBLE at hiding his tracks; FUCKING FIND HIM.
Detective Mackle finds Burk sleeping at his desk. Burk decided to get some work done because he was having trouble sleeping after the argument he had with his wife. Funny; I didn't see any argument. Getting a shirt tossed into his face must've really hurt his widdle feewings. Man, considering that Carol gets out of work at 3 AM, nights are really fucking long in Endgame Land. Apparently someone leaked secret information about the Fraser murder to the media. The newspaper reads "Stranglehold killer strikes again", but I'm pretty sure that there hasn't been a single stranglehold used by Mayfield for the entire movie. There's good news though! Mayfield turned up on a missing persons report for the Sarah Palin lady that he killed, and a warrant was issued for her address. For good measure, they're also sending a SWAT team. Finally, they've got Mayfield right where they want him~! So why is there an entire half hour left to this dreck?
At Casa Palin, Mayfield's awoken to the sounds of, well, nothing really. Wait, THAT'S our SWAT team?! They're four guys wearing t-shirts that say POLICE on the back! Two of them are wearing their caps backwards like this is one big joke! They can't possibly be thinking they're going to barge into that house, guns blazing, wearing no protective armor. Then again, anyone who's stupid enough to send four men to apprehend an armed serial killer with no protection or strategy whatsoever deserves to have his police force forcibly downsized.
The cops group together at the front door. Oh, please, someone say, "You're in my spot, sir." The cop at the front opens the door with the weakest, quietest kick ever, and the cops crouch down inside like they're Charlie's fucking Angels. Mayfield sneaks out the window and climbs down on a rope, but one of the cops orders him to freeze. Finally! It's over! Did Mayfield just call the guy "copper"? Good Lord. Mayfield dares the cop to shoot. SO SHOOT HIM. He doesn't, so Mayfield grabs the gun and levels the guy with one punch. Both Mayfield and I agree that the cop is a pussy.
Incredibly, yet not surprisingly, Mayfield gets away. The cops find Dixie Palin's corpse inside a freezer in the basement. It's literally the first place they check. This movie is riddled with characters just happening upon things and having the right answers to move the story along faster, and it really suffers for it. Not that I want this movie to be longer. Dear God.
Hey, where the fuck did Burk and Detective Trenchcoat come from? What Burk does here has me laughing my ass off. He comes down the stairs, stares at the corpse for three seconds, then remembers his line: "Awwww, shit." Great job, guys! Let's wrap it up and move onto the next pointless scene!
At Lt. Lattimore's office, Lattimore forces Burk to move on to a new case because of the press leak. What? That's just stupid! That makes no sense! That--
Carol's on a houseboat! This movie moves fast, readers! I've gotta keep up! Looks like this boat belongs to, yes, BRAD MAYFIELD. Was the Chinese food offer THAT fucking appealing to her? For the love of GOD. Way to sign your death wish, you stupid, stupid woman. They share a couple of beers and say absolutely nothing of worth. It's all just veiled bullshit like "Ah, we're all alone here, it's like no one can ever find us here." Why not just cut to the chase and kill her?
Burk's having a nightmare! Complete with smoke, ominous lighting, and scary music too cheesy even for Unsolved Mysteries. I really can't get behind this guy as a likeable hero; he's got this perpetual expression on his face that all but confirms that he's a complete fucking dimwit with a hamster and wheel for brains. This nightmare establishes that Burk is fully aware of what Mayfield looks like without any kind of disguise, so why not just get a composite sketch done and release it to the public? We'd get this guy within seconds!
Burk wakes up to a call from Mayfield. "Bad dream?" Mayfield asks. What is he now, a psychic? This exchange contains one of the worst fucking flaws of the movie. Mayfield, who's kicking back on his fancy boat in broad daylight, is talking to Burk, who's in bed in the pitch dark of night. Quote of this conversation comes from Burk: "Ya shoulda ran when ya had the chance." He did, Burk. That's why he's on a boat in a completely different time zone and not sitting in a jail cell. Moron. No, wait, there's one better: "Is Carol there?" See, this is what I mean about the characters knowing too much despite knowing so little. Burk has absolutely no reason to ask this because he doesn't even know Carol's missing yet! I hate you, Endgame script.
Both Burk and Mrs. Burk treat this phone call like it was their crazy old neighbor asking for a cup of sugar. Get out of bed, you lazy shit! Carol's minutes away from murderous butt sex! Wait, here's an even better quote, from Mrs. Burk: "He sounds, actually, like a pretty decent guy. Very intelligent..." Shoot me. I can't even believe Burk has to tell this woman that she shouldn't talk to this ass raping murderer because he's bad news! And she rolls her eyes like Burk's just saying that to be a dick! I hope she gets her just desserts.
Detective Mackle uncovers another of Mayfield's aliases and confirms that the DNA of the girl who drowned in a bucket of water during sex matches DNA found at Mayfield's apartment. Again, so much for that "Stranglehold killer" moniker.
Pointless church scene. We learn that Mayfield's real name is Alex Minert, and he killed animals and liked dolls. This is supposed to add a whole new dimension to Mayfield's creepiness, but does it really matter at this point in the movie?
Burk questions an old lady at some apartment building about the Minert family. She tells Burk exactly what the priest from the last scene told him. Look, we already know that Mayfield's a freak that probably didn't have an all-American, apple pie upbringing; this is completely unnecessary.
I'm shocked to find that Mayfield still hasn't killed Carol. In fact, he's asleep. Next to her. Carol finds a slew of photos of Mayfield's victims in a nearby closet. You know, the same pictures that he fucking BURNED back at his apartment! COME ON, MOVIE. Mayfield catches her trying to leave (to where? It's a fucking boat) and exercises his pimp hand on her face. By the way, he's wearing a TNA Bound for Glory IV t-shirt, because if TNA ever needed free publicity from anyone, it's a serial killer with an affinity for rectal annihilation.
Oh, here we go! THE MAIN EVENT~! Kurt Angle in a clown costume! Mayfield rides up to the Burk household as Buffo, the World's Strongest Clown. Pretty sure that's a painted U-Haul truck. Looks like the real Buffo's "a little tied up right now", so we'll see how long it takes before someone notices any muffled screams or banging from the back of the truck (and, knowing Mayfield, there's probably going to be plenty of banging from the back of this truck real soon).
Mayfield knocks on the door and, in the time it takes Mrs. Burk to walk around the fucking corner, he's already inside, in front of a different door, and holding the little Burk girl's hand while her other hand's holding Buffo balloons. Time holds no power over ENDGAME! Mrs. Burk is sure that she didn't order a clown, and is even more baffled when Buffo greets her by name. This Mayfield is quite possibly the worst serial killer ever. Mayfield saves himself by telling Mrs. Burk that the balloons are from MR. Burk, then he socks her right in the face. YEAH~! MAYFIELD! MAYFIELD! MAYFIELD! The screen blacks out, and when the picture comes back, Mayfield actually says the following line: "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood." This, combined with the ridiculous clown music in the background, pushes this scene into "so bad, it's good" territory. Little Burk doesn't even flinch at Mommy being laid out on the floor.
Pictured here: Mayfield's OTHER O-face.
Mayfield stashes the little girl in the back of the Buffo truck with the real Buffo and takes her to a waiting speedboat. He's stopped by a coast guard who reveals himself to also be an off-duty police officer, and he's concerned by the lack of a lifejacket on Little Burk. He's a cop and he doesn't recognize Mayfield AT ALL? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This movie... these cops... they make Frank Drebin look like fucking Columbo! Needless to say, Mayfield does away with Officer Dumbass with a knife to the back. In broad dayight. Again, Little Burk doesn't make a peep about this. Is something wrong with this kid?
Back on Mayfield's houseboat, Carol's still not dead.
Back at Casa Burk, Mrs. Burk is being loaded into an ambulance. Over a punch to the face? Oh, God, she's bleeding from the nose and I can spot three bruises on both cheeks and next to her mouth. From one punch!
Burk: Anne. What happened? Mrs. Burk: It was a clown. Burk: It was a clown? Mrs. Burk: He took Chrissy. Burk: He took Chrissy?
Ever seen Scary Movie? This guy's like a slightly more functional Doofy. Or less. You decide. We learn that Chrissy is a special needs kid. Heh, figures that the product of Burk's semen is learning disabled. Oh, I mean, MAYFIELD, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Burk gets a call from a guy who just remembered that he sold a boat to one Alex Minert. Man, Burk seems to be fucking everywhere at once. This really isn't crucial to the case anymore, is it? Apparently it was, because it's after this call that Burk FINALLY decides to borrow a boat and seek Mayfield's houseboat out. Logic has undoubtedly failed tonight.
Sure enough, Burk finds the houseboat (but not before treating viewers to a near minute of him driving the damn thing). He finds Carol tied up and gagged inside. Just another Friday night for Jenna Morasca, eh? Mayfield appears out of nowhere with a gun to Burk's head and asks, "What're you doin' here, Burk?" Picking berries-- you wanna give him a hand? Fuck's sake, Mayfield. Burk drops the gun and puts on a pair of handcuffs at Mayfield's request. They enter another room, and suddenly Burk's got the cuffs behind his back. Hell of a talent, a guy of Burk's size doing that himself.
Looks like Burk's about to bite the dust here! Burk calls Mayfield a loser, which brings up a great question from Mayfield: "How can I be the loser when you're the one who has a gun to your head?" Burk, bless his mongoloid self, retorts with "So?" Mayfield says he's going to kill Burk, Carol, and Chrissy, then he's going to take Mrs. Burk out of the hospital (and there's no way he'd even know that she got carted off in an ambulance) and get her acquainted to his modified Angle Slam, if you catch my drift.
Of course, much like every movie and TV show where the villain talks too fucking much, Mayfield meets his Waterloo at the hands of A FIVE-YEAR-OLD WITH A GUN. This is amazing. A mentally-challenged toddler did more to stop a serial killer in three seconds than an entire police squad did in 90 minutes! Fuck you, Detective Burk, and fuck you, Endgame.
Here's the real kicker: a news reporter catches Lt. Lattimore at the scene and says, "We understand you apprehended the Stranglehold Killer." Him? You'd better get those facts straight, lady; your killer was apprehended by a mentally-challenged kindergartener with more mental capacity than the entire police department COMBINED. Somebody give that kid a gold medal and some birthday cake.
This movie SUCKS. It lacks in everything that makes a movie watchable. It takes a tired cat-and-mouse serial killer plot and makes it about as thrilling as eating a cheese sandwich. The characters are boring and the acting is horrible, especially from Eric Wright and Jenna Morasca. Detective Burk is probably one of the least likable protagonists in all of modern cinema. The production value of Endgame is remarkably bad even for a low-budget movie, and everything feels sluggish and apathetic. There are so many useless scenes and dull moments. Despite all this, I feel as if the script is mostly to blame on this mess. Endgame is writer James McCartney's only credit to his name, and it's safe to say that this made an awful first impression. Much like an episode of TNA Impact, Endgame tries to cram a TON of bullshit into a 90-minute timeframe.
If I was writing this article for a non-wrestling site, I'd tell you to avoid this shit like the plague. Of course, this is TheWrestlingFan.com, we're all obviously wrestling fans here, and we live for God-awful shit like this. If only for the unintentional hilarity of dumbass Detective Burk, and for the inclusion of Kurt Angle as a murderous buttfucker, I give this movie a 2 out of 10, which means GO RENT THIS NOW~!
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out. She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth. Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.
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