ECW: The Next Generation
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August 26, 2008
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September 23, 2008
September 30, 2008
“I’m Neil McGilloway, and
assuming…you know what? Screw this.
I have some pull now, right? I’ll be here next week. And you shall show thanks that I do this job for you, damn it.” Boy, do I have some egg on my face. I do hate being a liar, so let me tell all you little kiddies a story. If you’ve been paying attention, I’ve been in the process of moving to my new house the past
few weeks. I can now proudly say that I’m finally in the new home for sub-par
ECW recapping (though no one notices anyway, so we’re cool). Obviously,
I’d need Internet and cable set up here, so I call pretty much the only company in the area for both, Comcast. I get my installation set for last Tuesday from 2-4 (so I was going to cut out of
work early to make it). However, I get a call from a technician at 8 AM that
day, saying how he’s at my house for his scheduled appointment. So yeah,
SLIGHTLY OFF. I get a rescheduling for the next day, 1-5. I take off a half day for Wednesday instead, and THE TECHNICIAN NO-SHOWS.
At 5, I get a call from Comcast customer service saying the next earliest time is on September 4. Oh HELL no. Luckily my friends and family came to the rescue,
and sent in some nasty e-mails to customer service. The next day, I get another
call from customer service, basically saying “Oh, well taking another look, we have an opening for you on August 30! Isn’t that great?” So as
of this writing, it’s (obviously) all finally done. The moral of the story? I’ll try and make this as loud and crystal clear as I can: COMCAST SUCKS. Of course, this leaves a bit of a problem. No ECW report for last Tuesday! You’d
think someone would’ve tried to saddle this one, but apparently touching ECW gives you syphilis or something. So, executive decision time. I bring to you: Yes, I’m sure you already knew
what happened. I don’t. So,
thanks to WWE.com basically streaming every ECW episode for the past 9 months, I can turn this report into a two for one deal. So, not knowing shit about what happened in the past week for WWE, let’s get
to it! Still standing here in…Philly? Again? Weren’t they there a little
while ago? Eh, whatever. First out
is Generic Blonde Tiffany, who introduces Teddy Long to the crowd. Teddy’s
out, and…I guess he does a little dance with GBT? Never thought “Mack
Militant” was very dance-worthy, but ok. Also, they’re both terrible. DANCING NEVER WORKS IN WRESTLING. In
a club, you’re surrounded by people, so you can suck all you want, nobody will notice.
But when it’s only a midget black dude and a (admittedly good looking) blonde chick dancing, when you suck, people
are going to notice. Finally, I’m calling the move Teddy was doing the
suitcase packer, because damn if it didn’t just look like he was miming squashing his clothes down so he can close his
luggage. See, I can pause the show now, letting me go off on these retarded tangents. Sit back, because this is going to be a long one. Getting back on track, Teddy books ANOTHER
scramble match for Unforgiven. This PPV might be one of the most packed factoring
in that there’s three of these damn things. Also, Teddy doesn’t even
bother with the rules, knowing he can’t explain all of that in the hour ECW gets. So, first scramble qualifier up now: ECW Championship Scramble Qualifier
#1: Matt Hardy Vs. John Morrison Hmm, is there a way both of these guys
can win? Seeing how these are two of the best talents on the brand, losing one
of them kind of already makes the match suck. I’m pretty sure the match
will suck just fine regardless. Even going from the start, with Hardy
essentially stopping a Morrison springboard in its tracks, having the Shaman do a painful looking flop to the outside. Morrison soon takes over with some Orton-level chinlockage and the like, but makes
a mistake by going for his split-legged corkscrew moonsault (now called Starship Pain? Ok).
That thing never hits, like how the Side Effect never ends a match. Oh
wait… Speaking of Side Effects, Hardy plants
Morrison with one, getting a two count. Morrison avoids a Twist of Fate, and
sends Hardy to the outside with a forearm to the face. Back in the ring, Morrison
hits a nice combo with a backbreaker transferred into a side Russian leg-sweep. Two
Moonlight Drives get countered, so Morrison settles for a rough clothesline. Back
to some more chinlocks now, but Hardy battles out with a jawbreaker, to his clothesline-bulldog combo and second rope elbow
to the head. Near falls a plenty after this, as each guy trade roll-ups. Notice the lack of jokes. This is because,
no shit, this match is pretty damn good. The typically cynical Philly crowd agrees. After some more back and forth (including Morrison doing a springboard roundhouse
after slipping out of a crucifix powerbomb from Hardy) both guys clothesline each other for the double KO. When both guys get up, Hardy simply counters the Moonlight Drive to a Twist of Fate for the victory. Winner:
Matt Hardy What Stood Out: In general, this was an excellent match. Hardy and Morrison
mesh well together (not surprising, because, like I said, those two are pretty much the best on the brand right now), and
the crowd popped huge for the win. Or maybe WWE.com edited that in. Screw it; I have faith in my Philadelphia brethren. TO THE BACK now, with TEAM DARKNESS bitching
to Teddy Long about the ECW Scramble match. If only he was complaining that the
match is so convoluted that all of the viewers will have no clue as to what’s going on.
Then I’d be more sympathetic. No, all Mizark complains about is
how he doesn’t even have to be pinned (to which Atlas agrees. I think. Those mumbles might have meant, “give me some money” for all I know).
Teddy, of course, supporting the struggle, tells Mark to fuck off. Racial unity FTW. Recap of RAW, focusing on SUPERMAN DOWN. I like how Batista helps John’s cause out by immediately kicking him in the
face right after he gets injured. Jesus dude, Cena was shaking like he had Parkinson’s
at that point. This just goes to further support my claim that Batista is a dick. Of course, this results in shitting all over Kane’s storyline by shooting Rey
into the scramble match. Expect the ever-used taped ribs to make an appearance
when Rey returns. ECW Championship Scramble Qualifier
#2: The Miz Vs. Evan Bourne Oh yes, this one was a grudge match in
the making. Miz has been taking potshots at Bourne on the Dirt Sheet for a while
now, so it’s time for the man who defies gravity (and charisma) to get him some revenge!
Or, they just threw these guys together because for some reason they want Miz in the scramble. Either or. Starting off, the two RIVALS (in my mind
anyway) do some chain wrestling, but Miz, of course, because he knows nothing else, simply punches and kicks Bourne. Evan comes back with some creative roll-ups, and then goes for the armbar. Holy shit, he’s using his arms for once! Not for long
though, as he goes for dropkicks and headscissors. Miz, showing how great he
is obviously, just tosses Bourne to the outside. Now for some stops, as Tard
Grisham makes a big-time error, saying Evan’s never been pinned. Mike Knox
is not amused by your commentary. Miz opening his Heel Wrestling 101 textbook
now, going for slow restholds. Evan battles out with a crossbody, and time for
LOOK MA! NO HANDS! Dropkick, roundhouse,
headscissors, but Miz hits part 1 of the Reality Check. Bourne battles out with
a standing moonsault, and manages to pop Miz while he was sitting on the top rope as well.
However, going for a hurricanrana off the top, Miz slips out, leading to Bourne crotching himself on the turnbuckle
(which he sells hilariously), leading to part 2 of the Reality Check for the win. Winner:
The Miz What Stood Out: Once again, Evan Bourne barely uses his arms, and Miz barely uses wrestling moves. Regardless, another good match. Not the level of the opener,
but still very entertaining. Right to the next match now… ECW Championship Scramble Qualifier
#3: Chavo Guerrero w/ BAM NEELY Vs. Tommy Dreamer Maybe Tommy can pull out another one
of those miracles? Other people call them wins. Chavo goes to work on Dreamer at the
start, to crickets. Sigh. Learn
your history people! Also, INSIDE JOKE TIME as Striker recommends kids to stay
in school. No offense from Tommy so far, as Chavo goes for more hits and an abdominal
stretch. However, Dreamer avoids the crossbody to go on offense with a bulldog
and running powerslam. Striker earns more brownie points by doing a Joey Lawrence
impression as Chavo gets put in the Tree of Woe. BAM then tries to provide some
use by…getting hit by Tommy. This allows Chavo to snap Tommy on the top
rope, leading to the Frog Splash for the pin. Winner:
Chavo Guerrero What Stood Out: Well, the streak of good matches had to end sometime. Crowd
could have cared less about what happened here, and I’m right there with them.
Come on, did you think Tommy was going to win? The only guy he can beat
just got shitcanned. Video of the WWE at the Democratic National
Convention now, which surprises me. Everyone knows Vince has a major league Republican
hard-on. Maybe he sent his workers there to secretly try and convince people
to go red? Batista never voted? SHOCKER! He looked so educated! Also, did Josh
Matthews contract Leukemia at some point? Dude has the Mark Messier look going. Smackdown commercial on a webcast? OK then. I just find it constantly hilarious
that the Divas Championship sags on Michelle McCool's waist, even though it’s on the lowest notch when she wears it. Goddamn, woman. I don’t even like
ribs, and every time I see her or Maria, I get a strange craving for them. ECW Championship Scramble Qualifier
#4: Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. Mike Knox Oh god, how sweet would Mike Knox on
PPV be? So good, that the last time he was on one, it was the worst-selling PPV
in WWE history. See, people couldn’t handle the awesomeness that is the
caveman, so they couldn’t buy it. Yeah.
Perfectly logical. Something tells me this match won’t
quite me a high-flying affair. Basically, the first minute or so of this match
involves Knox and Finlay shoving each other around the ring, as Striker gives a lesson on catch wrestling. Random, but helpful. Spilling to the outside, Knox tanks and
clotheslines the post, as the two just sort of stand there going into a commercial break. Back from the break, Finlay has an armbar
on the busted wing of Knox. PSYCHOLOGY~!
Oh how I’ve missed thee. Finlay continues to work on Knox’s
arm, as Striker gets in another random educational moment – this time, how Finlay almost lost his leg. Surprise snap powerslam onto the floor on Finlay, and Knox boots him in the ass after rolling Finlay back
into the ring. A Knox chinlock gets worked for a while (with a monster clothesline
in the middle for good measure), to the delight of not too many people. Hornswoggle
essentially has a seizure ringside to get the crowd into this match, seriously. Knox’s
lust for eating midgets allows enough of a distraction for Finlay to go back on offense, with a few clotheslines and…the
webcast ends there. WHAT THE FUCK. YOUTUBE TIME~! So, what did I miss? Finlay tries to hit the Celtic Cross on Knox, but Knox boots him for two.
Knox goes for removing a turnbuckle pad, which distracts the ref. You
know where this is going. Finlay tries for a shillelagh shot via Hornswoggle,
which misses due to a boot to the gut, but Horny slips daddy another one, which scores for the win. Winner:
Finlay What Stood Out: Up to the end, this was a pretty good brawling match – probably one of the best
in Knox’s ILLUSTRIOUS career. But, of course, Hornswoggle’s gotta
get involved somehow! Team Irish call in a bunch of kids (including
one who was wearing a Santa hat for some reason) for DANCE TIME, and Finlay kicks his heels together in mid-air a few times,
possibly to show Edge (watching from hell) how it’s done. THE END. Uppers: The whole show had structure – get four competitors in for the ECW scramble
at the PPV. That’s it. As
a result, there was a fuckload of wrestling on this show. Each match got a decent
amount of time, and it showed, as 3 out of 4 were very entertaining, at least from my view. Downers: Chavo and Tommy wasn’t really to my liking, however. Also, Hornswoggle, as usual, soured things somewhat. How does
he sleep at night, knowing he’s such a drain on society? Overall: Damn shame I missed this show when it aired, because it was good. I like wrestling. I got a lot of it. Therefore, I liked this show. A lot. You should watch it. When ECW actually has direction, it can
be very entertaining. So, watch ECW, because it DOES happen every once in a while. Promise. *Flashback ends* Well, that was fun. But that was then, and this is now. So, how will this show
stack up? Why, let’s find out~! Opening right into a quick graphic on
Killer Kowalski biting it. I’ve heard he was a real pioneer, so damn sorry
to see him go. Right after that? LIVE
DIRT SHEET, PART 2. Miz and Morrison ham it up in the directors’ chairs,
with Miz claiming to win on Sunday. Well sure, it’s possible, given the
rules of the match. He’ll just get his ass pinned about a minute later. Morrison bitches about losing last week’s qualifier, and then brings out TEAM
DARKNESS. Morrison tries for respek knuckles, but is denied. Shame. Next out are Chavo and BAM, with MNMT humorously trying
to sing Chavo’s theme music. Racist AND derogatory. I approve. After some back and forth, up next is a pre-taped
vid of Miz and Morrison doing Irish stereotypes, until Finlay and Hornswoggle are out to interrupt. Horny kicks Miz in the
shin for thanks. In the back, everyone’s arguing,
STILL. Teddy makes a crack about the show that gets a (I’m making a safe
bet here) piped-in cheer. He then makes an 8-man tag for the main event. Speaking of piped-in chants… Super Crazy Vs. Gavin Spears Yeah, Super Crazy getting a fair pop
coming out? Don’t think so, WWE. Gavin works an extended arm wrench from
the start, but Crazy works in some of that WACKY lucha offense you don’t see too much in WWE (well, that’s unless
a guy in the ring happens to have a name that rhymes with Rey Mysterio…). Gavin
works in hits for the next few minutes, but only gets a one count. A ONE COUNT. Super Crazy soon after stuns Spears with a kick to the head, followed by a nice slingshot
springboard moonsault to pick up the pin. Winner:
Super Crazy What Stood Out: Somehow I’m doubting that Super Crazy was legit getting that heat.
Also, looks like that whole “Creative doesn’t like new guys so they’re getting saddled with shit
debuts” story is legit, because wouldn’t a new wrestler have to…win or something sometime? Who does he think he is, Colin Delaney? Finally, Super Crazy
is not being treated like total shit! This brings me joy, as I am a fan of his
work. If they actually do something with this, I’ll be happier. Ricky Ortiz Vs. Random Douche
(Ryan Braddock) The towel man comes out to decent cheers,
which I cannot believe again, sorry. Also, speaking of shit debuts, here’s
Ryan Braddock! How’s Smackdown treating you buddy? Ortiz shows improvement, as he manages
to hit basic wrestling maneuvers! Like a vertical suplex! Holy shit! Braddock eventually takes over, laying in knees
and punches mostly. Though he goes back to the old standby, the chinlock. This goes on for a while. And I mean
a WHILE. Ortiz eventually snapmares out of it, to the delight of no one (ok,
maybe five kids in the front row, but they don’t count). Some dropkicks,
a shoulderblock off the turnbuckle, and The Big O win it. Winner:
Ricky Ortiz What Stood Out: OK, I know Ortiz gets a tiny pop here and there. But to go
from a sporadic cheer to what sounded like half the crowd getting into the match? Come
on. I realize subtlety isn’t exactly WWE’s forte, but that’s
ridiculous. How this guy can be seen as better than Gavin Spears, Ryan Braddock,
and Scotty Goldman just makes my brain bleed. More recappage of Jericho/Michaels. I don’t mind it at all, as this has been nothing but pure entertainment to me. Also, Tard makes mention of HBK busting his left triceps, but still says he’s
wrestling Sunday. And you can tell where he busted it last night. When he took that spill, it was pretty simple – either his triceps, or his fucking neck. Good choice, Michaels. Time for some WWE politics! And not the kind that involve HHH making Shelton Benjamin look like a total ass last Friday. Mickie James is a Republican? Seriously? You’d think with her love of animals, and the GOP’s love of shooting things, there’d
be a slight conflict of interest there. Ken Kennedy and Matt Striker being Republican
don’t surprise me. Gotta kiss Vince’s ass some way other than literally,
right? Matt Hardy, Finlay w/ Hornswoggle,
Tommy Dreamer, and Evan Bourne Vs. Chavo Guerrero w/ BAM NEELY, The Miz, John Morrison, and Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Quick notes on all of the competitors: Matt Hardy – Both Hardys need a
wardrobe update, badly. For example, skull and crossbones tank tops and studded
everything might be cool if you were in high school. Motherfucker’s 33. Finlay – How many more times can
I say that I hate Hornswoggle? Well, there’s one more time. Evan Bourne – I gotta say Catherine,
I just don’t see the squished face thing. But, he’s just a not big
guy, so naturally things just are smaller. The ladies know. Oh, they know. Chavo Guerrero – Maybe BAM will
be useful tonight? Maybe Chavo will be relevant tonight? The Miz – I never got what his
pose is supposed to be. Anyone care to fill me in? John Morrison – I still find the
slow-mo and wind machine entrance awesome. Sue me. Mark Henry – IT’S A DAMN
WEIGHTLIFTER ON HIS BACK, NOT AN ELEPHANT. Ah, critical orgasm. Onto the match. As is the case with big tag matches like
this, it’s fucking hard to call this one too accurately. Chavo plays punching
bag for a while, as Horny flattens BAM. So much for being useful, I guess. Chavo getting beat lasts through a 5-minute commercial break. Yeah, he’s winning Sunday – bank on it. Evan gets
tagged in, and goes to town on Chavo for a little while, but Chavo slips out and gets a tag to Miz. Miz eventually puts Bourne down (not before he gets a nice standing moonsault on him) and tags in Mizark. Mark does about…3 moves before tagging Miz in again. Guess he ran out of energy. All of the heels take turns whipping
Evan around and outside of the ring – even BAM gets a few hits in. Now
that’s a face in peril. Chavo of course blows it for his team, and gets
a (almost botched) headscissors from Bourne to allow the hot tag to…Tommy Dreamer.
Not the best choice. Hell, I don’t think Matt Hardy has done a damn
thing in this match so far. If he did, I must’ve blinked and missed it. Anyway, it’s a bad choice as Henry is tagged in for another three moves, before
tagging back out to Chavo. Chavo blows it AGAIN, and Hardy is finally tagged
in. Matt does all the normal spots – elbow to the back of the head, Side
Effect, you know the deal. Mark Henry gets back in to work on Hardy, but tanks
it on the splash, allowing the tag to Bourne. Exciting sequence now as Evan hits
his PPSSP, tags to Dreamer, he hits a splash, tags in Finlay, HE hits a splash, and Hardy is tagged in again to hit the Twist
of Fate for the pin. The heels tried to interfere, but were stopped each time. Winner:
Matt Hardy, Finlay, Tommy Dreamer, and Evan Bourne What Stood Out: Damn fine match, that got a lot of time. The
show ran over a good amount, so I’d say they put at least 20 minutes into this one.
It showed, as when Hardy scored the pin on Henry, the crowd popped pretty big.
No piping in needed there. Also, Evan Bourne continues to be shown as
an exciting new talent for WWE. I can agree with him being left out of the scramble,
though some don’t agree. I mean, think about it. He’s been up to the main stage for like…3 months now?
You want to give him a title match like that? I’m still one of the
few that believe the ECW title is still a major belt. Dude’s doing just
fine so far – he’s less than a month older than me, and he’s being pretty fairly spotlighted on WWECW. I’m reporting about it, and going to get up at 6 am to do some computer programming
tomorrow. So, you tell me who wins. Post-match, Henry retreats up the aisle,
and holds up the belt, while wincing in pain. At least, I assume that’s
what he meant to do. To me, it looked like he was crying like a baby. A giant, bearded, dreadlocked, baby. Yep, I see those all
the time. THE END. Uppers: First and foremost, the main event. A
fine, fine match, that once again proves my point. If a match gets the proper
amount of time, it’s just so much better as a whole. Some weeks, ECW tries
to cram too much stuff into an hour, and the match quality takes a nosedive as a result.
This is a shame. However, in both this week and last week, this was not
the case. What happens? GOOD SHIT,
THAT’S WHAT. Everything else was…good, I guess. Nothing to really keep my attention, but Super Crazy does well, Dirt Sheet is mildly
entertaining, and my thumbs are angled upward at about a 15-degree angle. Downers: If the main event was 20-30 minutes by my estimation, and considering they went fairly
over the 1-hour mark on this show, which still leaves about 40-50 minutes of show. I’m
still not even sure how all that time got eaten up. There were only three matches,
and the other two only lasted probably 5 minutes a pop. So, did I miss something,
and the Dirt Sheet was a half hour long? Next, the piping was in full effect tonight. I refuse to believe both Super Crazy and Ricky Ortiz were legit getting pops like
that. I’m pretty sure that at this point, the only way I can see Ortiz
being useful is if he turns himself upside down and uses that fucking hair to mop my kitchen floor. Finally, how about that new talent, eh? Let me ask a simple question. If the
writing staff doesn’t like a guy in developmental, why call him up? Also,
from what I can gather, all three I mentioned earlier are decent hands in the ring (in the case of Colt Cabana, even more
so). You mean to tell me you don’t see anything in COLT CABANA (whose comedic
stylings would be perfect for the kid-centric WWE product), but RICKY ORTIZ really floats your boat? Dear Lord. Overall: In the end, I don’t think this show mattered too much. It built for Sunday, sure, but that’s about it. If they
actually do something with Super Crazy, I’ll be impressed (definitely something I wouldn’t see coming). All that mattered was the opener and the ender. Both worked,
so I give this a tiny, tiny thumbs up. Whew!
What a workout! OK, I’m Neil McGilloway, it’s late, I got
work, so I’ll see you all next week. This time, I promise. P.S.
Comcast still sucks.
10. 10. That would be the number of days after
Internet was installed here that my modem broke. TEN FUCKING DAYS. What did I say? COMCAST SUCKS.
Luckily I have a temporary modem on loan until Saturday, when a tech will try his hand at fixing mine. Of course, at this rate, it’ll break, AGAIN, by next week.
Who knew doing this job could be so difficult? On to more positive news, how about that
tag match last night? No, not “team 2nd Generation” Vs.
“Jamaican me wanna steal shit.” Rey/Evan Vs. Miz and Morrison had
to be the BEST ad for ECW I’ve seen in a long time. Hey, even RAW Recapper
Cameron Burge was impressed, and really, how often does that happen? Also, how
telling is it that he had no clue who Evan Bourne was? That statement is pretty
telling of how this show is. And, I’m okay with that. It’s a good show (usually) that no one watches. Works
for me. With that match, however, I expect a few fans giving ECW a shot tonight,
especially if action like that is on there. Of course, for every Evan Bourne,
Miz, and John Morrison, there’s Ricky Ortiz, Hornswoggle, and Mark Henry. So,
unless they somehow eradicate all of that from existence, HELLO ONE-WEEK RATINGS SPIKE! Also, let’s go back to two weeks
ago, where I said ECW was in Philly. One of my readers was quickly on my ass
about that blunder, but I firmly place the blame on Tard Grisham. His opening
lines stated that they were in the Wachovia Center, which is in Philadelphia, PA. However,
they were actually in the Wachovia ARENA, which is in Wilkes-Barre, PA. So, to
sum up? Fuck Grisham. Come on, you
saw him in that one Diva Search video, you know he wants it. Finally, just as an official statement,
I refuse to comment on any of the World Title bullshit until WWE makes a concerted effort to explain how that made any sort
of sense. Don’t get me wrong, Jericho as champ is Neil approved, but even
remotely thinking about it all makes my head hurt. Let’s get on with the
show. Still standing here in Milwaukee! That theme song is getting on my nerves, ever so steadily. First out is the NEW ECW Champ via Sunday clusterfuck, Matt Hardy!
Bye bye, belt extender. Damn, the camera should NOT zoom in on Matt Hardy’s
face, as his goatee is looking a little salt and peppery. Anyway, Hardy treats
his promo time like an award acceptance speech, thanking the fans, saying fuck the haters, and vows to become the greatest
ECW Champion ever. With such stiff competition as Kane and Mark Henry, boy, you
have your work cut out for you! Speaking of, here’s Mizark and Mushmouth
now! Henry demands a rematch, and Atlas states that if Hardy ever touches him
again, they’re going to have a problem. I speak Atlasese. What he said was “Wea gonnahavea prollema.” I have my college education to thank for getting
that. Henry gets a sucker punch, but Hardy low bridges him out of the ring when
he goes for a clothesline, and plants Atlas with a Twist of Fate. Atlas can take
it fairly well. Slightly impressive, seeing as…when was the last time he
wrestled? When I was like, 2? Evan Bourne Vs. John Morrison Recap of last night’s match airs. Still looks good. I figure, enjoy it
while it lasts, cause once the heat’s off and Vince goes back to his towering mass of muscle hard-on, Bourne’s
going to be dead in the water. Bourne works an extended front facelock
in the beginning, but Morrison, because he’s BIGGER, powers out. Soon after,
Bourne goes for his kicks o’ fury, but seeing how he does them every match, Morrison sees it coming and swats him to
the side. It’s easy because Evan is small, you see. Morrison bombs on a splash and rolls to the outside, where Bourne hits his slingshot hurricanrana, sans
Rey-Rey’s help this time. Still very nice. Things are turned around when Miz trips
Bourne up on the turnbuckle, and Morrison goes to work. Resthold, some hits on
the outside, and more restholds. Even a desperation ‘rana gets countered
into getting hung out to dry on the top rope. Morrison gets in a backbreaker,
comboed into a side Russian Legsweep, and BACK TO THE RESTHOLDS. I get they’re
a necessity, but damn they can get boring. How much so? This shit’s been going for at least 6 minutes. Also,
Tard just won’t LET IT GO, saying only the Miz has pinned Bourne. Mike
Knox is STILL NOT AMUSED by your shitty commentary. Crowd is dying slowly and
horribly here, but shoots back to life as Evan gets a roundhouse on Morrison, followed by a headscissors, followed by more
hands-off offense. ANOTHER ‘rana gets two, and after a pretty noticeable
gap, the standing moonsault tanks BRUTALLY. A running knee to the head puts an
exclamation point on that. Starship Pain up to bat now (Morrison’s split-legged
corkscrew moonsault that NEVER HITS) and it…wait for it…misses. SHOCK. Bourne up for a PPSSP, but Miz distracts, letting Morrison recover and hit a pretty
rough springboard roundhouse to pick up the pin. Winner:
John Morrison What Stood Out: Very good way to take advantage of last night, as this was, by bitching about restholds aside, a good match. Morrison’s extended heat-getting on Bourne really killed the crowd. Luckily, Evan’s offense goes a long way on getting fans’ attention. He lost, sure, but it was due to shenanigans, so no real problem with that. Recap of the EPIC Knox-Finlay feud, and,
yeah, it’s ok. I mean, it helps Knox’s career and all, but it’s
still MIKE KNOX. What else can I say about that? …JACK SWAGGER?! Vs. Random douche (Josh Daniels) Full name…”The All-American
American Jack Swagger.” Score one for redundancy. Damn, this guy looks like all 31 flavors of generic. Every
flavor is Vanilla. No offense from jobber boy, and after
tossing him all over the ring, Swagger finishes with a Blue Thunder Bomb. Winner:
Jack Swagger What Stood Out: At this point, what thought does Creative put into calling these guys up?
I thought it was Lance Cade coming out for a second. Even this guy’s
theme music I think I’ve heard before (Post-show research told me it was Jamie Noble’s old theme). You know who recycles theme music? Divas. Is this guy a Diva? God, I hope not, because then that bitch
is ugly as hell, and TOPLESS! THE FCC WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS! Sigh, I’m just having fun with this. Seriously, not
impressed. TO THE BACK, where Hardy, Finlay, and
Hornswoggle are walking. Horny is laughing non-stop. At this point, is his gimmick to be as annoying as humanly possible?
I’m seriously wondering. Anyway, Ricky Ortiz stops in to give them
a rally towel, to witch Horny tries to chew on, followed by, laughing and screaming some more.
Someone call Josey Scott, because my ears and eyes are bleeding. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas and
Mike Knox Vs. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle and Matt Hardy Matt Hardy looks better with the button
down shirts on. I swear I’m not gay.
*shifty eyes* Hardy and Henry start out, and the generic
power moves, of course, win out. Just once I’d like to see them buck trends. Have Hardy do a corner avalanche, and have Henry do a 450 splash! Do NOT even deny that you would mark right the fuck out of your seat and off the roof if Mark Henry did
that. Hardy is able to catch a breather from the behemoth as he misses on an
elbow drop, and…commercial break. Way to cut off any momentum of the match,
fellas. Back from break, looks like that breather
did Matt a lot of good, as Knox has Hardy in a headlock. Considering the break
was at least 5 minutes, that must’ve been a long ass beating. Hardy gets
out and tags in Finlay, who goes to work on Finlay, beating him down inside and outside of the ring. Knox manages to put him down with a boot as he gets back in, and then tags in Mark Henry to go to work
on the IRA member. GORILLA WARFARE! (Yes,
it’s been used before, I know) Now it’s Finlay’s turn to
take an extended beating, and MAN the babyfaces are looking like shit here. I’m
guessing they have about two minutes total offense so far. Finlay manages to
get the hot tag when Knox misses a knee drop, and Hardy is EN FUEGO as he goes to town on Knox. Matt actually lands a moonsault, which brings in Mark. Oh,
here comes Hornswoggle to ruin my night. In the confusion, Finlay pops Henry
with his stick, and Hardy scores the Twist of Fate on Knox for the win. Winner:
Finlay and Matt Hardy What Stood Out: I like matches where the faces look credible before the final moments of the match. Didn’t get that here. I like matches that don’t
drag from plodding hosses dishing out restholds about every other move. Didn’t
get that here. I DON’T like Hornswoggle’s bullshit and Finlay playing
an Irish Eddie Guerrero. GOT THAT HERE.
As you can tell, didn’t enjoy this match too much. Post-match, faces celebrate in the ring,
and heels retreat up the ramp. Original.
THE END. Uppers: I think WWE was wise enough to realize that tag match last night was going to get
some new viewers, as it was all about trying to put ECW’s best foot forward tonight.
No recaps from other shows, no real recaps from the PPV, and the consistent shit (Ricky Ortiz and the rest of the New
Talent Job-Squad) was kept to a minimum. Bourne and Morrison was pretty good,
as well. Downers: Well, logically, it’s one way or the other with me. So, what wasn’t on the above list? The main event you
say? But of course! That shit was
boring. I would’ve enjoyed it so much more if the faces actually got any
consistent offense in the opening. Nope, they get bent over and taken up the
Hershey Highway from the opening bell, sans Vaseline. Ouch. I think the crowd agreed with me, as all I was hearing were crickets up until the final 2 minutes. Now, let’s get to Jake
Swagger. Wow. If only El Generico
wasn’t the name of a pretty damn good Indy guy, because I could not think of a more apt title for this fucker. I could almost hear him going over his routine in his head, Adamle style. “Ok, now I throw the guy really hard into the turnbuckle. Alright! Nailed it! Now I scream really loud!” Ugh. No gimmick whatsoever with this
guy. Here, Creative. I’ll
do your job for you. Add a t on the end of his last name, and make him a televangelist
that happens to fuck a hooker every now and then. Boom, done. You’re welcome. Overall: As a way of saying, “Please keep watching this show, new viewers,” this
show did…eh, ok. Swagger and the Main Event certainly tried their best
to tune those new guys out. Also, the absence of tits may be doing this brand
no favors as well. Sure, their wrestling is shitty, BUT LOOK AT THAT SILICONE
JIGGLE! Thumbs firmly in the middle on this show.
First half good, second half bad. I’m Neil McGilloway, and that was
the ECW Report. Feedback’s always appreciated. Now let’s see if I have enough GOD-GIVEN TALENT to total another cable modem before next week…
Welcome, one and all, to the ECW Report! The only place you’ll see me effectively trade my masochism (for recapping this
damn show some weeks) in for some pure sadism (for you shmucks reading it – retards.
I love you guys)! Now, three things to get off of my chest before we get
started this week… First, I feel sort of sorry
for Sean, as he preemptively blew his “New wrestler’s name sounds like a porn star” load last week on Next up, we have…the Philadelphia
Eagles. I mention this, seeing how Monday Night Football absolutely BUTTFUCKED
Raw in the ratings last night (about 13.3 to 2.6). So, perhaps one of you saw
it. Just a hunch. I just have to
say two things. One, fuck the Eagles. I
absolutely LOVED how they played great for the first 3.5 quarters of the game, and then spent the last 8 minutes COMPLETELY
canceling it out. Jesus Christ. You’d
think I would know better than now to count on a Philadelphia team. Oh, and secondly,
Texas? Fuck you. Finally, let’s talk about women. Specifically, the ones who wrestle in WWE. Even
more specifically, Candice Michelle. I can accept that she was doing a halfway
decent job before turning into CM Plunk (tm. Justin Shapiro) last year. Looks
like she left all her talent on the operating room table though. Shouldn’t
someone have caught that before, um, GIVING HER A TITLE SHOT ON PPV? Even Maryse
is saying, “Damn, that woman sucks.” Though in French, and possibly
in a bathtub at the time. Ok, I feel better now. Not really, as microwaved seafood is working my insides over with a baseball bat at the moment. Therefore, let’s get this shit over with, so I can get my shit over with too! Still standing here in…bleh, didn’t
catch it. Who cares? Let’s
get right into the first match: Matt Hardy Vs. Mike Knox, Non-Title
Match for the ECW Championship Announced for No Mercy? Matt Hardy Vs. Mark Henry! What do you mean we’ve already
seen that a bunch of times! See it’s different, because Matt’s the
champ now! Hey, where are you going? Mike starts out with some power moves,
but that doesn’t last too long. Hardy gets his clothesline/bulldog combo
in for two, but then runs into a snap powerslam from Knox…as Striker reminds us of the awfulness of Vince McMahon, ECW
Champ. I already feel sick, man. Don’t
make it worse. Hardy battles out and hits an elbow off the second rope, then
tries to mix it up a bit. He turns a Twist of Fate into a DDT, for no reason
really. What’s this get him? A
two count. Why not just win the match?
That’d be like Hunter setting a guy up for a Pedigree, and then giving him a butterfly suplex. Never going to happen. Back from break, Knox is working a long
Ortonlock, and boy do I mean long. Hardy gets a brief respite, but tanks it on
the moonsault, and it’s back to the rest hold. Hardy eventually gets out
for good with a Side Effect, but since that only gets a win due to referee incompetence, this time it gets a two. Soon after, Matt lands a tornado DDT on Knox, followed by the Twist of Fate for the pin. Winner:
Matt Hardy What Stood Out: These matches have their work cut out for them tonight, as this food is really kicking my ass. This was an OK match, I suppose. But, what stood out seemed
to be Hardy’s new DDT-centric offense. A small tribute to a roofied-up
Jake Roberts? Maybe? In my mind
it is. TO THE BACK now, with TEAM DARKNESS rant
on how Finlay bopped Henry last week. Blah, blah, Irish stereotypes, I got nothing. Moving on. I like how WWE is smart enough to no-sell
the Wendy’s sign when doing these promos for Hurricane Ike relief. Also,
HBK’s voice is sounding all sorts of fucked up now. Cocaine’s a hell
of a drug. The Miz w/ John Morrison Vs.
Evan Bourne w/ Ricky Ortiz Apparently Bourne’s down with the
barrio. Ok then. Evan goes aggressive from the start,
and is all over the Miz with his flippy-dippy offense. A great worker, but damn
can he be bland at times. Could he possibly make high spots boring? That’d be a feat, to be sure. Miz stops that shit in
a hurry, going for his patented punches and kicks only offense. Bourne goes for
more kicks, and lands the standing moonsault, but gets tossed off the top rope. Miz
then does something I’ve never seen him do before, a springboard spinning leg drop.
It’s still just a strike, but for him it’s impressive! Morrison
tries to interfere, but Ortiz clotheslines the sunglasses right off him, which he then swipes.
Ahh, minorities steal. It’s science.
Miz gets distracted, and then rolled up soon after for the win. Winner:
Evan Bourne What Stood Out: A standard Bourne match, which means it was good. There was
really no point for Morrison and Ortiz to be out there, though. They both did
one move apiece. Wow. Way to earn
that paycheck. Recap of Raw. A fantastic steel cage match, but the finish kind of made Punk look like an idiot. Didn’t help that he apparently vanished from our plane of existence after the match was over. Also in this recap, I have to give a hand to the production crew, as they made the
main event promo look, um, not retarded? Between Adamle tripping over his lines,
and awkward pauses between HBK coming out and climbing up the ladder, it sure made me think someone in the back fell asleep
on the job. Maybe Arn Anderson? Jack Swagger Vs. Chase Stevens Nothing says “All-American American”
like an all black outfit. Jack goes very amateur-y in this match,
wrestling-wise. Eventually, just breaks down into basic hits, a knee lift, and
the (Red, White, and) Blue Thunder Bomb for the win. Winner:
Jack Swagger What Stood Out: OK, this week was better. Out of the New Talent Initiative
guys, he certainly has a lot more skill and personality. But DAMN give the guy
something to work with. What aspect of this guy is unique? Really? Someone? Anyone? Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Pre-match, the announcers talk about
how pissed Henry is. Apparently the lump on his head is giving him trouble with
chewing his food. Well, duh. Just
look at the guy. Looks like a walking Milk Dud.
Oh, also, the children pop for Team Irish pisses me off to no end. If
children are the future, I’m shooting myself the second I’m retired. Very slow paced match at the start, with
Finlay trying a hit and run strategy. So, of course, that strategy is ended with
the power of Mark’s BLACKNESS when he just chest bumps the Irishman. Right
after, he tosses Finlay to the outside, after walking on top of him. See, he can do that because he’s big. Again, I’m still waiting on the Mark Henry 450. Normally I don’t do this, but two
commercial thoughts. One, I find it funny that Microsoft has to openly deceive
people now to get them to buy Windows Vista. That might be a testament
to how shitty it is. Also, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4,
Thursdays at 10. It’s a fucking great show.
Everyone, watch it. Except Nicole.
She has a job to do. An awful, awful job. Back from the break, Henry is stalking
Finlay (you see, like a PREDATOR), doing a move once every minute. Walking is
very tiring, you know. After the stray kick here and there, Mizark locks in a
bear hug. Which reminds me. I assume
I have enough time to tell this. Russian Bear.
Look it up. It’s a weight gain formula – 5000 calories a serving,
and is supposed to be taken with A GALLON OF WHOLE MILK. This is what Weightlifters
(like Henry) take. Enjoy that heart attack, fellas. And yes, I had enough time, as Mark hits a body slam, Finlay tries to fight back, but then Mark hits another
body slam. Yawn. Henry misses with
the elbow drop, but when Finlay goes on offense, Atlas rolls in to shove Hornswoggle to the ground. It got a chuckle out of me, simply because I like any amount of violence done to that piece of crap. Finlay sneaks in a shillelagh shot to MH’s arm, and Finlay then goes to work
with an armbar. Of course, all that goes to crap with a corner avalanche, and
a World’s Strongest Slam for the win. Winner:
Mark Henry What Stood Out: A…different kind of match. A hell of a lot slower than
I would’ve liked. However, they tried to make up for it with a bit of psychology,
with the injured arm of Henry. A nice touch, but still, SLOW. I might be 73 years old right now. Post-match, Mark Henry nurses his boo-boo. Aww, poor black bearded baby. THE END. Uppers: Wrestling, as is usually the case, was reliable and plentiful tonight. Yeah, that’s all I have. Downers: Really, all this show was was a bunch of wrestling matches, and that was it. From what I can see, here is all the story development we got this week: -
Matt Hardy showed he can beat huge lumbering oafs -
A huge lumbering oaf is fighting him, AGAIN, at the next PPV -
Said huge lumbering oaf got revenge from last week by getting clubbed with a stick, but got hit in the arm in
the process -
As an alternate storyline, John Morrison is on the hunt for his sunglasses! Doesn’t exactly seem like much
compared to Raw or Smackdown, does it? Sure, they have twice as much time, but
that’s not to say that the entire hour equals any semblance of story. Don’t
get me wrong, I likes me some wrestling, but I also like a little more plot. Wrestling
without plot is Heat. Heat’s dead. Overall: Kind of a blah show for me. I was a little
bored, and nothing really popped out at me. Would it hurt them to care about
this brand a LITTLE more? I’m Neil McGilloway, and that was
the ECW Report. Feedback is always appreciated, though I don’t know, I
felt a little distracted. Oh, I know why.
Time for an anal explosion!
Welcome, one and all, once again, now
with more commas and run-on sentences, to the ECW Report! Honestly, I have nothing
to talk about before the show. So, let’s get right to it! Still standing here in Columbus! And JR has joined the announce team! Shame
Tard Grisham needed a “Family Emergency” to get his useless ass out of the announcer’s chair. Sucks to be him, seeing how “Family Emergency” in WWE NEVER ends well. Anyone feel like looking if a T. Grisham invested in a Bowflex recently? Miz and Morrison are out at the start,
with Miz bitching about his loss from last week. Also, Morrison seemed to have
gotten himself a new pair of sunglasses. So, that wraps up that side-plot. Also, Miz conveys anger fairly well…but how can you take him seriously when
he wears an outfit that looks like it was attacked by a bedazzler? Teddy eventually has enough of this shit,
and comes out to defend his New Superstar Initiative. MNMT quickly counter that
argument with Braden Walker. Touche. They
both demand a match with Evan Bourne and Ricky Ortiz, but Long states that Bourne isn’t here tonight (NOOOOOOOO~!). Right after this, Ricky Ortiz comes out to a pretty decent pop. This surprises me, but then I remember this episode was taped, so I immediately am brought back to reality. Sorry, never going to believe he’s getting those pops legitimately. Maybe if he does something besides spin around hand towels and poorly imitate The Ultimate Warrior’s
workrate, I’ll change my mind. Ricky challenges Miz and Morrison tonight,
which results in Teddy booking Miz Vs. Morrison, with the winner immediately taking on Ortiz.
Kind of like King of the Ring, just, you know, not at all interesting. Other
than that, just like it! Recap of Evan and Kane from Raw last
night. I still hold out hope that WWE isn’t going to torpedo the push they’ve
been giving Evan so far, seeing how they gave him a fair bit of offense against Kane before getting utterly crushed. Hearing that he’s going to be moved to Raw permanently soon brings me great
sadness. Can’t we hold onto a talent for a little longer than a couple
months? Please? I have so very little
already. TO THE BACK now, where Ricky and Teddy
are chatting about tonight, when Generic Blonde Tiffany walks in on the scene. Ricky
presents her with a rally towel, which she drapes on her neck, and says how it feels good.
Let me tell you, I haven’t seen acting of this caliber since My Ass is Haunted. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. BAM NEELY w/o Chavo Guerrero Pre-match, we see a recap of the cameraman
strangling the life out of Chavo from this past Smackdown. Normally, I’d
question how Chavo couldn’t notice the cameraman wearing a long trenchcoat, hat, and having the curious ability to summon
lightning and fire at will. However, everyone knows cameramen don’t exist
in WWE! Finlay is trying to pull a miracle here
by attempting to make BAM look legitimate, even though he’s the poster-boy for useless bodyguards. First minutes of this match see no offense from BAM, only able to sneak in a shoulder tackle, some clubbing
shots, and a big boot to Finlay into the steel steps. BAM even gets in a submission
hold! The Boston Crab! It’s
so complex, so I give kudos when it’s due. But not really. Anyway, Hornswoggle tries to sneak in
the shillelagh, but NEELY sees that one coming and tosses the midget about. I,
of course, chuckle with glee. Also, of course, this allows Finlay to get the
shillelagh shot in behind the ref’s back for the win. Winner:
Finlay What Stood Out: So, Finlay needs the stick to beat the likes of BAM NEELY? Don’t
you just hate it when heels are right? Don’t you hate it even more when
said heel is MIKE KNOX? Post-match, it’s a pedophile’s
wet dream as a group of little kiddies get into the ring for a jig. Dying…inside. Speaking of dying inside… Maryse Vs. Michelle McCool, non-title
match (I think, not that I care) So, it’s official. ECW has a talent agreement with both Smackdown and Raw. We
go both ways! Catfight right from the start, with,
of course, Michelle selling damn near nothing. My theory is Undertaker’s
seed grants superpowers. Keep on the lookout for teleportation and immortality
next. FINALLY Maryse gets one over on Michelle, throwing her into the ring guard
on the outside. Back into the ring, a camel-toe clutch is worked on McCool, to
the DELIGHT of the crowd. HINT, WWE. After
momentarily regaining the advantage with a boot to the face out of the corner, McTaker goes up top. I don’t recall Michelle going up too often, and for good reason.
Much like Ric Flair, McCool gets a lesbian experience, as Maryse fishhooks McCool’s asshole and slams her to
the mat. This is followed up with a DDT for…the…win? Winner:
Maryse What Stood Out: Not being live helps these two a WHOLE LOT. Also, McCool lost? This is so unfamiliar to me! Guess ‘Taker
pissed her off and she’s holding out on sex with him. Shame she didn’t
realize that cost her all that delightful invulnerability. Or, maybe someone
realized her boring ass never getting pinned wasn’t making the Bratz division too exciting… Mark Henry comes out shortly after the
match to bitch about losing the title some more, but actually brings up a valid point – Hardy didn’t pin him for
the title. At least they’re attempting to provide some logic in this title
match, even though this feud has been done to DEATH already. Mike Knox Vs. Chase Stevens Chase Stevens, again? Man, you could say this guy’s a natural at jobbing! No offense whatsoever from Stevens in
this one. Knox hits a bicycle kick, powerslam, clotheslines, and the Knox Out
for the victory. Winner:
Mike Knox What Stood Out: …Waiting for post-match, knowing what’s going to happen… Post-Match, What Stood Out: Ok then, two things. One, I honestly had no clue what they
were trying to present Jack Swagger as – face or heel. Well, that mystery’s
solved! Also, is Chase Stevens officially a member of ECW now? Recall that Evan Bourne was brought in as a sortakinda jobber himself, so it’s not like it’s
impossible. Oh, Jack is damn uncomfortable to look
at too. I wonder if he does that stupid-ass smile when he goes out on dates? I imagine he would get maced a lot as a result. Recap of Smackdown, with “Captain
Subtlety” Koslov running wild on Jeff Hardy and HHH. The recap ends with
HHH left laying. But, but, you can’t have HHH in a vulnerable position! It’s the rules, man! Quick aside,
how insecure can one guy be that he has to make a computerized version of him invincible as well? The Miz Vs. John Morrison, Winner
gets to face Ricky Ortiz right after but not really because they do a stupid-ass double KO finish Chain wrestling from the two at the start,
as they trade pinfalls and holds galore. This garners, unsurprisingly, no heat
from the crowd. Crowd not liking two heels wrestle each other? Well, I never! Morrison and Miz spill to the outside as we
go to commercials…and crippling apathy. Back from break has Morrison in a chinlock
via smacking his face on the ring guard, by going for a moonsault. Again. It never works, hang it up, man. Back
and forth between the two after Morrison escapes the hold, and it builds nicely as these two are getting more and more physical
with the hits. It’s actually quite surprising, as these two are basically
killing each other to get the crowd into it…and it’s working! Finish
comes when they both go to the top rope, and what looks like a botch (not really, but they make it look like one) sends the
two careening to the mat. This gets a ten count from the ref. Winner:
No one. No one at all. What Stood Out: Well, color me surprised. I don’t know if they piped
it in at the end or not, but Miz and Morrison put on a damn good show. Unfortunately,
they put on one so fast-paced that I couldn’t accurately recap it. Youtube
this match. Be surprised that two heels actually ended up getting the crowd on
their feet…JUST FOR MATCH ENJOYMENT. After the bell, Ricky Ortiz comes out
and hits The Big O on both men, one right after the other. WARRIAH STYLE. Also, some blonde cougar at ringside gets a rally towel, just because. THE END. Uppers: Looks like someone in Creative reads my report!
Now, I won’t say who I think it is, but I will say…ZOINKS! Ahem.
So, what did I say last week? “Don’t get me wrong, I likes
me some wrestling, but I also like a little more plot. Wrestling without plot
is Heat. Heat’s dead.” What
happens this week? They put about 1 minute of the program into the main event
storyline, and mostly everything else got put towards new storylines. I dig that. Downers: OK, seriously, is Ricky Ortiz a good guy or bad guy?
I’m pretty sure the concept of “two wrestlers fight for the chance to wrestle another guy right after”
only works when the “other guy” is a heel. Also, after the match
was over, he runs down to beat the both of them up. How is any of that face-like
again? Next, there’s the main event storyline. Like I said just a second ago, all of one minute was devoted to ECW’s No Mercy
match. Hell, factor in the fact that the Champ wasn’t even ON THE SHOW
(Perhaps he had trouble making his flight?), and it’s like they’re not even trying. Though, they shouldn’t. Henry and Hardy is already REALLY
old to me. Add in a dash of the usual bullshit (namely,
Hornswoggle making me want to commit midget genocide), and we’re done here. Overall: Great show, in my ever so worthless opinion.
Go watch it on WWE.com. What better things do you have to do? Work? Go to class? Have
sex? Bah. That shit takes a backseat
to ECW BABY. I’m Neil McGilloway, and that was
the ECW Report. Feedback is always appreciated, and I’ll see you next week. Maybe. Hate crimes against the vertically
challenged are frequently frowned upon in today’s society…
So, here we are again. New time, same shit. While I, as a person who writes a report
on this, can certainly appreciate the time shift (sooner the show’s over, sooner I can turn this in and get to bed),
I can’t help but think that this is a move to make ECW more kid-friendly. Dear
Lord, why? Why is this brand named Extreme Championship Wrestling at this point? They shy away from so many things “Extreme” that WWE could be sued for
false advertisement at this point. Still standing here in Green Bay! And look at that, Tard Grisham is back. Score
one for…umm…not mass murder? Sounds about right. Generic Blonde Tiffany and GM Teddy Long (who will not STOP BOUNCING, so much so that the entire ring is
shaking) are in the ring to start us off, and GBT introduces Matt Hardy and Mark Henry to the ring. Well, at least she’s earning her paycheck this week somewhat.
Hey, she looks good, but really, is there a point for her being there? Also
the fact that Carlton Banks gets to put the spurs to her at night scores NO points with me.
Henry starts off the civilized verbal debate, noting Hardy has to compete in Champion of Champions 2: Electric Boogaloo on Friday before facing him at No Mercy. Hardy,
in his orange aura, retorts by saying he’ll do just fine on Smackdown Friday and at No Mercy. Also, he says the word “All” very, very strangely. White
MH and Black MH are about to go at it, when Miz and Morrison interrupt, and channel Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds. It gets a chuckle out of me, but it goes on too long, and gets really nothing from the crowd. Teddy unleashes a verbal pimp hand, and books MNMT and Henry against Hardy, Ricky Ortiz, and Evan Bourne
(Thank GOD he’s back – should I feel weird for saying that?) in the main event tonight. Pretty good stuff, but the Hardy’s southern drawl really kills their promo skills like WHOA. Man, I feel even whiter for even saying that. Jack Swagger Vs. Lenny Lane Lenny Lane, designated jobber for the
evening, looks like a blonde Sparky Plugg. And hey, he wrestles just as well! Also, I am disappointed Lodi is nowhere to be seen. Lane gets in a few shots, but some power
shots stop that shit cold. Apparently, someone noticed that Lance Cade is using
the Blue Thunder Bomb already, because now Swagger is using a Gut-wrench Powerbomb for his finisher. Why not copy the finisher? He already copies entrance music. Winner:
Jack Swagger What Stood Out: Swagger still creeps me the fuck out. I imagine serial killers
look more civilized while they’re stabbing you to death. Post-Match, Swagger wants to “put
a smile on that face” at the expense of Lane, but Tommy Dreamer comes out to run him off. What a coincidence, Dreamer
has a match! Tommy Dreamer Vs. Mike Knox Knox’s beard has officially completely
obscured his neck. That’s a pussy tickler Burt Reynolds would be jealous
of. Grizzly Adams too. Tard makes things uncomfortable immediately,
saying Knox’s training regiment consists of long trips out in the desert. Which
is, of course, completely safe. Not like someone died doing that recently. Oh. After some hits here and there, Dreamer
gets the upper hand with a bulldog and a pull to the huge beard of Knox. However,
that all goes to crap when Knox dodges a shoulder charge, putting Dreamer into the post.
Knox Out follows shortly after for the win. Winner:
Mike Knox What Stood Out: What a premiere on the new time slot! No matches over five
minutes please! Though, given the competitors, maybe that was for the best… After the bell, Swagger comes back out
for the Gut-wrench Powerbomb on Dreamer. Whoa.
Didn’t see that one coming. Recap of Wrestlemania (strangely missing
a couple of deceased champions, hmmm…) goes into a rundown of No Mercy. Boring. Seen it all before. What else can I say
on this? John Morrison, The Miz, and Mark
Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs. Evan Bourne, Ricky Ortiz, and Matt Hardy They started the entrances at 9:35, so
hopefully this match can deliver. Each side has a useless load working against
them (Mark Henry and Ricky Ortiz). What’s with the V sign Evan Bourne does? Fucking hippie. Evan and Miz start out with some good
ol’ fauxhawk on fauxhawk violence. Miz gains the upper hand momentarily,
but a quick tag to Ortiz lets him clean house with a double-team. Morrison’s
tagged in, thrown into the corner, and slingshotted out. This looks awesome as
he does a full flip before faceplanting on the canvas. Looks painful. Ortiz, knowing he can’t look good for more than a minute at a time, tags Bourne back in, only to
be knocked over by Morrison, due to some handy dandy interference by Miz. Bourne
takes a beating for the next few minutes, courtesy of Miz and Morrison. Boy,
Hardy and Henry really brought they’re working boots tonight, seeing how they’ve been doing nothing but standing
on the apron for this whole match. After some more beatings, Evan slips a tag
to Hardy, who goes to town on Miz and Morrison. Hardy goes for his bulldog/clothesline
combo on Miz, but sidesteps a charging Morrison as he goes for the bulldog, and instead hands out a double clothesline, to
a pretty damn good pop. Henry comes in untagged to look generally intimidating
and like a big black dude as we go to break. Back from commercials, Hardy is still
dominating, this time on Morrison via wrenching the arm. Oh, also, ECW will be
on at 9, FOREVER (according to Grisham). Damn right WWE is eternal. Or maybe just some episodes of this show feel that way. Hardy
tags in Ortiz, who only does a damn arm wrench before tagging Hardy back in. How
could I doubt this guy’s greatness? I only wish I could be so efficient
at my job. Lots of quick tags between Ortiz and Bourne as I’m left wondering
who the hell booked this match. Um, shouldn’t the heels be isolating one
guy on the other team for long periods of time? Eventually, Morrison gets the…eh…hot
tag to Henry, who clotheslines Ortiz back to Puerto Rico. It made me laugh with
Ricky’s ridiculous selling. Miz gets the tag as Henry hilariously says,
“I’m runnin’ the show” with his ever-present civilized diction.
Ortiz gets beat on for the next few minutes from Miz and Morrison, as the announcers note how Henry’s only been
in this match for 30 SECONDS, while Striker sneaks in a quick reference to Quagmire from Family Guy. Random, but OK. Ortiz gets a hot tag to Bourne, who slingshots
into a hurricanrana on Morrison, and lands the double knee press on him as well. Things
break down to all hell shortly after, and in the confusion, Henry gets tagged in to hit the World’s Strongest Slam on
Bourne for the pin. Winner:
John Morrison, The Miz, and Mark Henry What Stood Out: Fantastic match. They kept out the dead weight for the most
part (Ortiz and even moreso Henry), and this match got a LOT of time. I like
long matches. Also, it builds nicely for the match on Sunday, establishing that
Henry can toss white midgets around like nobody’s business. Maybe that’s
why Hardy hit the spray tan HARD, making him about as white as Rey Mysterio… The show’s over almost right after
the bell, only getting a quick glance between Hardy and Henry to sell the match some more.
No overrun for the new ECW timeslot it seems. THE END. Uppers: Not too much. This show was ALL about
the main event. It took up almost half the entire show! Luckily, the main event was good, so no complaints here about that.
The opening segment was OK as well. What else, what else…umm the
commercials were good? Alright, seriously, this show benefited from the absence
of one of ECW’s superstars (and man, do I use that term loosely) – HORNSWOGGLE~!
FUCKING YEAH BABY. Not seeing one damn nanosecond of his annoying ass
brought this show up. Now, if they were pushing kiddie time some more, some experts
can say that leaving him off the show wasn’t the best idea. This “expert”
can tell those guys to eat a dick, however. No Hornswoggle = happy Neil. Downers: So, if half the show is a good match, what do they do with the other half? Push the DRAMA that is Jack Swagger and Tommy Dreamer. I can
accept they need more stories, but a pair of micro-sized matches doesn’t really do it for me. Add in way too much filler (in the form of commercials, recaps, etc.), and the other half of this show
wasn’t used so well. Also, lack of overrun just makes this show feel really
short. Probably something I should get used to, because you know ECW has to take
a backseat to SCARE TACTICS WITH TRACY MORGAN. It sometimes astounds me how Sci-Fi
is still on the air. Overall: Thumbs in the middle on this one. A decent
start to the new timeslot, as if they can keep showing quality matches like what we saw tonight, then the audience should
stay decent. Though, with the shitty advertising of ECW’s time change,
I kind of expect the rating to take a nosedive this week. Oh well. Not like ECW’s dragging in bushels of new viewers as it is anyway. You know the drill by now. Neil McGilloway, ECW Report, feedback. Get to it.
The Ridiculously Late ECW Recap~! 08/26/08
HilariousTedious.
Also, I just noticed that Morrison is wearing some huge fucking shoes. Seriously,
Krusty the Clown had nothing on these things. Matt Hardy comes out now to remind
Morrison of how he’s not in the scramble, which still makes me a little bit upset.
Matt makes cracks to everyone, which ends up in the obligatory fight between everyone.
Tommy Dreamer and Evan Bourne come out to join in, just because. My verdict? Better than the first one, youtube it and all, but still, The Dirt Sheet is something
better left online.
Jimmy
SwaggertJack Swagger. Apparently, Raw Creative took that awful name as a
challenge, as NICKY~! came back last night. And his name? Dolph Ziggler. I was waiting for him to introduce himself,
whip it out, and say, “I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star.
I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right.” The USA network would be immediately assassinated by the FCC, but, come on, be honest. It would SHOCK you, wouldn’t it? Aaaaanyway, this of
course did not happen. No, all he got was enough time to say hi to Adamle, Jericho,
and Cade. Congrats Dolph, you’ve just been:
Gary BuseyJack Swagger
comes out to hit a Gut-wrench powerbomb on Chase, which brings Tommy Dreamer out in a hurry.
Knox provides a distraction, which lets Jack sneak in and hit the bomb on Dreamer as well. Man that dude’s ugly.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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