So it’s the Jewish New Year and what better way for WWE to
celebrate than the fact they finally released Paul Heyman. With Yom Kippur coming up, I think Vince has
a lot of atonement to deal with, and I wouldn’t mind if Big Titty V goes on a fast….for like five years.
Tonight we are LIVE from Atlanta, Georgia the home of the former
WCW and the current animal lover Michael Vick. Guess he won't be responding to any personal ads unless they
say "must love dogs especially if they win me some serious money". Tonight we get the lowly anticipated
Boogeyman-Big Titty V showdown and Elijah Burke is out first to start the show. He says he came out to
congratulate CM Punk for winning but he got lucky and he’d only win 1 out of every 10 matches and that was the one.
As he continues, Kevin Thorn interrupts who is referred to as anti social (well considering he wanks it without Ariel
around). Thorn says Burke blew his chance and it’s his turn. He also mentions
the reason he quit the New Breed (continuity????) is because Burke is running his mouth so much. They start
arguing and Tommy Dreamer interrupts. Burke refers to Tommy as a dinosaur and Dreamer says he’s done
something they haven’t which is win the ECW title (sure, when it MEANT something). He then says no
one else in this building wants it as much as him until Stevie Richards shows him, you’ll see. Well
he is down to the ring and Burke asks if this is a practical joke and asks if Blue Meanie is next. And
then Dreamer and Richards have this exact exchange (this is transcribed perfectly):
Dreamer: Stevie, you more than anyone in this
building know how much the ECW championship means to me so come on man.
Richards: Come on? You’re
gonna come on me?
Everyone else in the building and watching at home:
Richards then says he doesn’t get why he isn’t getting
a title shot when he was the only one in the ring who didn’t get pinned last week. They all start
arguing when Estrada interrupts and says none of them are qualified to be the #1 contender but they all will participate in
an Elimination Chase to No Mercy. It will start with a Fatal Four Way where the first one to lose is out.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Stevie Richards vs. Elijah Burke vs. Kevin
Thorn (Fatal Four Way for the Elimination Chase to Find Out Who Will Be Eliminated And Which Three Will Advance to Be the
Number One Contender for the ECW Championship Match Against CM Punk at the No Mercy Pay Per View Live From the AllState Arena
in Chicago, Illinois Sponsored By WWE Mobile on AT@T.......*breathes*)
They had gone to commercial when this one started and when we come
back Burke is battling Dreamer and Thorn with Richards. Dreamer hits Burke with a suplex and Thorn takes
over and Burke goes after Richards. Thorn takes Tommy to the outside and throws him into the hollow steps.
Richards comes back with a series of kicks but Dreamer sneaks behind him and hits a suplex. He then
goes to the second rope but gets thrown down. Burke then gives Richards the triple German suplexes (didn’t
they ban that move?). He then goes for a jump at the ropes but Richards moves out of the way. Thorn
picks up Stevie and slams him and gets a near pin before Burke hits the Outer Limits Elbow on Dreamer. Richards
gets up and starts kicking Thorn but then gets dropkicked in his face by Burke. Richards hits a stiff kick
on Thorn sending him out of the ring and Burke goes to the outside as well. There are a series of roll
ups, sort of like when every kid in the cafeteria except me used to have a fruit roll up. Thanks for reminding
me jerks! Richards and Thorn are on the outside and Burke jumps on them from over the ropes and gets caught,
and Dreamer knocks them down with a baseball slide (and he’s SAFE!). Dreamer then runs along the
apron and takes out Thorn on the floor. And now for a commercial…
Commercial Comment: “The Condemned”
is on DVD and in a true fit of irony I heard to boost sales they’re going to be packaging it with “The Running
Man” which is a far superior movie about a “to the death” TV show.
When we come back Dreamer hits a sit down power bomb on Thorn and
gets a two count. Richards grabs Dreamer and does a monkey flip under the ropes. All
four guys end up back in the ring and more chaos ensues that is too difficult to recap. Burke ends up on
the receiving end of a Torture Rack from Thorn and falls into a sitting position but only gets two. Dreamer
hits a fall away slam on Burke but Thorn grabs Tommy and sets up for a crucifix power bomb before Richards hits a Stevie Kick
in Thorns face. Dreamer clotheslines Richards and Tommy pins Thorn but can’t get three.
Burke goes to the top but Dreamer catches him and then Richards tosses Tommy to the floor. He then
starts punching Burke and sets up for a superplex but Thorn hits a powerbomb simultaneously in a cool visual.
Dreamer hits a frogsplash from the top and gets tossed to the outside and both Thorn and Burke pin Richards.
Winners: Elijah Burke, Kevin Thorn, and Tommy Dreamer
Losers: Stevie Richards and the IWC
They show the Raw Rebound and it cracks me up how Cena’s
dad is only referred to as Mr. Cena. CM Punk is then shown backstage and Burke comes over and asks him
to autograph the new WWE magazine that Punk is on the cover of. He thinks the value will go up when he
wins the ECW title. Punk wishes him luck and Burke says last week Punk had said luck is for losers.
He reiterates by saying “yeah that’s why I said it”. BURN!!!
The Miz and the Extreme Skanks come down to ringside and now Miz
has a shirt with a chick and a magnet. He introduces that the so called women will be doing their dance
tonight and dance to Salt n Pepa’s “Push It” though I wish it was “Push Them Off a Cliff”.
Balls Mahoney comes out right after it ends and he’ll be facing Mike Knox…again.
Balls Mahoney vs. Mike Knox
Knox starts off aggressively but eventually Balls does some Teabagging
on Knox. Knox misses a bicycle kick and Balls hits a sit down powerbomb and gets the pin.
Winner: Balls Mahoney
Balls gets on the microphone and asks Kelly Squared on a date.
She walks off with the rest of the losers and Balls says he’ll take that as a yes. Hey whatever
floats your boat, man. Actually if their date is on a boat, her plastic body can keep them afloat if it
Big Titty V makes his entrance and my friend who has never seen
him before says “that’s gross”. Boogeyman follows frothing at the mouth and we are ready
for our insignificant event.
Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker vs. the Boogeyman
V goes for the worms and Boogeyman attacks from behind.
V comes back because of the size advantage and a fairly decent show has completely gone to hell. You
know, the ridiculous thing about V’s size is you’d need six people to give him a titty twister. Boogeyman
keeps trying to take control of the match but is unsuccessful. Eventually V hits the Side Order Slam and
an elbow drop and gets the pin.
Winner: Big Daddy V
Show’s over at this point and the fans are probably pissed.
Extreme Moment: The
Fatal Four Way was a good match but it was pretty obvious Stevie was gonna lose.
Not So Extreme Moment:
Boogeyman-Big Titty V is built up for months and ends up being a squash match? What the hell was the point?