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ECW: The Next Generation
(September 2007 Archives.)
 

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September 04, 2007
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September 25, 2007

(09/04/07)

I could’ve cheated this week and used the spoilers since this week’s show was taped over the weekend but I took the high road and am still watching the show.  Aren’t I great?  I won’t ruin what’s going to happen tonight if you don’t already know, but suffice it to say, I think we already got our Extreme Moment lined up.
 
The theme, whatever it is, plays and we are most definitely NOT live from Cincinnati, Ohio.  The Boogeyman comes out first then Matt Striker who introduces Big Titty V.  He’s only in the corner as our teacher will be in the match.
 
The Boogeyman vs. Matt Striker
 
Boogeyman dominates early on with clotheslines and a slam.  Striker is able to fight back momentarily but not for long as Boogeyman hits a splash in the corner before chasing Striker around the outside of the ring and gets clobbered by V.
 
Winner by DQ: Boogeyman
 
V picks up Boogeyman and hits a Samoan Drop on the floor.  You know I’m sure he’s more comfortable wearing less clothes but I believe everyone is not comfortable looking at it.
 
Estrada is talking to Punk backstage saying Punk keeps failing at his chances and Punk says he earned them all.  Estrada then says this is Punk’s last chance.  Coming up, the long awaited match finally happens, Balls Mahoney vs. The Miz.  Why they didn’t hold this one to pay per view is beyond me.
 
Balls Mahoney vs. The Miz w/ Extreme Expose
 
Balls hits a few early punches before Miz hits a clothesline and a side Russian leg sweep.  Do they actually do that in Russia?  Balls fights back and gives some Teabagging and a back suplex but only manages a two count.  Balls telegraphs the back body drop (what is he, in the 1850’s?) and Miz takes advantage with the Reality Check and the pin.
 
Winner: The Miz
 
Kelly goes in the ring to check on Balls but Miz, Brooke and Layla take her away.  Makes sense to have Extreme Expose be heels since no one liked them anyway.
 
Morrison is backstage and refers to himself as an avatar.  He’s an icon for a video game?  He calls Punk a Blink 182 groupie.  What’s his age again?
 
After a Raw Recap that Cameron had nothing to do with, Elijah Burke hits the ring followed by Kevin Thorn to face a pair of true ECW Originals.
 
Elijah Burke and Kevin Thorn vs. Tommy Dreamer and Stevie Richards
 
Richards starts with some offense on Thorn before tagging out but Dreamer ends up on the defensive rather quickly.  Burke tags in and Dreamer tries to fight back but Burke hits a clothesline and tags again.  Thorn puts on a sleeper hold but Dreamer breaks it and gives Thorn a drop toe hold into the turnbuckle.  Both men tag out and Stevie is a house of fire (must be hot).  Stevie hits a sharp kick but then misses the corner and goes shoulder first into the steel post.  Dreamer and Thorn take each other over the top rope before Burke hits the Elijah Express and gets the pin.
 
Winners: Kevin Thorn and Elijah Burke
 
We get a background of the Morrison-Punk feud before both of them come down to the ring for the main event.
 
ECW Champion John Morrison vs. CM Punk (Last Chance Match for the ECW Championship)
 
Both men exchange headlocks before Punk hits a shoulder block and a hip toss.  Morrison comes back briefly but Punk is able to catch a kick and uses it to his advantage when he dropkicks Morrison from the second rope.  Punk hits some sharp kicks and a snap suplex but only manages a two count.  Morrison regains control with a drop toe hold into the middle rope.  He goes for a sunset flip over the top rope on the apron but Punk avoids it and kicks Morrison then a springboard dive onto the floor.  We hit a commercial and when we’re back Punk has an Orton Lock in but Morrison begins throwing a series of punches.  Punk maintains but when he goes for a springboard move, Morrison slams him from the top rope.  Morrison continues to wear down Punk and goes to the top rope but Punk stops him and hits a superplex.  The meaningless 10 count gets to 7 and Punk unleashes punches and a flying leg lariat.  He hits the Pepsi One and the bulldog and only gets two, you know much like every time he does that move.  Morrison goes for a double armed suplex but Morrison counters then hits a split legged corkscrew moonsault and gets a very close two count.  He goes for Light My Fire but Punk counters to the Nyquil and that is countered as well to a roll up but the ref catches Morrison using the ropes.  When he argues, Punk rolls him up and gets two.  Punk hits a vicious enzuguri and Punk then misses in the corner but Morrison misses a springboard kick.  Punk then hits the Nyquil and gets the pin to FINALLY win the title.
 
Winner and New Champion: CM Punk
 
Anyone think this gives it away that Morrison is about to get suspended?  Anyway, it’s about damn time.  Punk celebrates as we go off the air.
 
Extreme Moment: As expected, CM Punk winning the title and it was a very good match as well.
 
Not So Extreme Moment: What lamer way to move forward the Balls-Kelly-Miz triangle than to have Miz just beat Balls cleanly.
 
No time for funny endings, just read the Fan and get on with your life, if you have one.  Now hit my music!

 
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

 
 
With last week probably being the high point of ECW, there is nowhere left to go but down.  I’d love to be proven wrong, but I (and many others) have been proven right too many times to believe otherwise.
 
We start with a recap of CM Punk’s title victory last week.  Whatever the theme is plays and we are LIVE from Minneapolis, Minnesota.  Estrada is in the ring and he introduces CM Punk.  The GM says to CM he is honored to have him as the champion.  Punk says he has a surprise and it’s his T-shirt.  He also autographs it.  He insists Estrada try it on.  Punk asks if he is BSing him and not sucking up to him.  A big “Put it on” chant starts and Estrada does so.  Elijah Burke interrupts and apparently he will be Punk’s opponent this Sunday.  Boy how sad is it I forgot there’s a PPV this weekend.  And how sad is it they threw that match on at the last minute.  Burke said he was a supporter from the beginning but he says he can beat Punk.  The champ says Burke is looking at his future through a broken Magic 8 ball.  A shoving match ensues and Punk knocks down Burke with an enziguri.  Later tonight Punk will team with Stevie Richards to face Burke and Kevin Thorn.
 
After a commercial, the Miz enters with Extreme Expose.  He’s the self proclaimed chick magnet.  He attracts baby chickens?  He’ll be facing Tommy Dreamer who gets a nice pop though for all we know it’s canned.
 
The Miz w/ Extreme Expose vs. Tommy Dreamer
 
Dreamer hits a hip toss then clotheslines the Miz over the top.  Miz manages to snap Dreamer’s neck on the ropes then does a monkey flip into the bottom rope.  Miz goes to the top but Dreamer stops him and hits a superplex.  Dreamer continues with a series of punches and a bulldog.  He then hits a monkey flip into the turnbuckle.  He puts Miz in the Tree of Woe then dropkicks him in the face before a reverse DDT and a two count.  Dreamer picks up Miz in a fireman’s carry but Miz counters to a roll up and holds the ropes but the ref catches him before Dreamer reverses to a roll up of his own for two.  Tommy misses in the corner and hits the post and Miz takes advantage with the Reality Check and the pin.
 
Winner: The Miz
 
We get a package of Big Titty V and next week he’ll be facing the Boogeyman.  Oh I CAN WAIT!!!
 
Kelly Squared is walking backstage and finds Balls Mahoney and he gives her a teddy bear.  She comes close to kissing him and then just leaves.  Matt Striker enters the arena next and in his announcement they even say what high school he used to teach at.  Umm does it matter really?  Big Titty V is with him and you know, he isn’t wrestling so can he put a shirt on?  The opponent is Nunzio and all three guys here are from New York but really no one cares.
 
Matt Striker w/ Big Daddy V vs. Nunzio
 
 Nunzio hits a dropkick but misses Striker in the corner and gets pinned in a quick rollup.
 
Winner: Matt Striker
 
Big Titty V picks up Nunzio and drops his head on the turnbuckle then puts him on the rope and hits a swinging sidewalk slam then an elbow.  Boogeyman then interrupts on the big screen.  He calls V Humpty Dumpty and uses the nursery rhyme to describe how he will beat him.
 
According to Joey Styles no one will forget what happened last night on Raw and well, it’s pretty amazing they ran this storyline for over a month all for a cheap little gag.  Guess it makes sense now why they called him Little Bastard.  Balls Mahoney is out for our next match to a returning Mike Knox.
 
Balls Mahoney vs. Mike Knox
 
Balls telegraphs a back body drop and gets a knee to the face.  Knox then drives him into the ropes with his leg.  Balls tries to come back and hits a back body drop then some Teabagging before Miz shows up on the apron.  Knox hits a big boot to the face and gets the pin.
 
Winner: Mike Knox
 
After they go over the lineup for yet another PPV I will not be ordering, the participants for our main event are introduced.
 
ECW Champion CM Punk and Stevie Richards vs. Elijah Burke and Kevin Thorn
 
Shoving match continues from earlier and Punk hits a kick on Burke and then a clothesline in the corner.  Thorn tags in and so does Stevie.  Richards hits some kicks then locks in the Stevie Stretch.  Burke interferes and Thorn knocks Stevie down.  Thorn hits a short armed clothesline then a torture rack and drops to his knees.  Burke tags back in and gets a two count before hitting a series of punches.  He puts on a front face lock and then misses the Elijah Express in the corner.  Both men tag and Punk hits a couple clotheslines then an enzugiri.  He then gets the Pepsi One, bulldog and clothesline from the top.  He dropkicks Burke in the corner and Thorn tries to take advantage with the crucifix powerbomb but Punk counters to the Nyquil and calls it a night.
 
Winners: CM Punk and Stevie Richards
 
Extreme Moment: At least they made Punk’s first title defense against someone good.
 
Not So Extreme Moment: Kelly Squared’s horrendously bad acting just made me nauseous this week.
 
That’s it.  Go read the usual hilarity here plus two final columns in the TNA and Smackdown recaps and endure Cameron’s pain in last night’s Raw.  The way the shows have been, I’m surprised we didn’t all quit last week.  Now hit my music!

 
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

 
 
So it’s the Jewish New Year and what better way for WWE to celebrate than the fact they finally released Paul Heyman.  With Yom Kippur coming up, I think Vince has a lot of atonement to deal with, and I wouldn’t mind if Big Titty V goes on a fast….for like five years.
 
Tonight we are LIVE from Atlanta, Georgia the home of the former WCW and the current animal lover Michael Vick.  Guess he won't be responding to any personal ads unless they say "must love dogs especially if they win me some serious money".  Tonight we get the lowly anticipated Boogeyman-Big Titty V showdown and Elijah Burke is out first to start the show.  He says he came out to congratulate CM Punk for winning but he got lucky and he’d only win 1 out of every 10 matches and that was the one.  As he continues, Kevin Thorn interrupts who is referred to as anti social (well considering he wanks it without Ariel around).  Thorn says Burke blew his chance and it’s his turn.  He also mentions the reason he quit the New Breed (continuity????) is because Burke is running his mouth so much.  They start arguing and Tommy Dreamer interrupts.  Burke refers to Tommy as a dinosaur and Dreamer says he’s done something they haven’t which is win the ECW title (sure, when it MEANT something).  He then says no one else in this building wants it as much as him until Stevie Richards shows him, you’ll see.  Well he is down to the ring and Burke asks if this is a practical joke and asks if Blue Meanie is next.  And then Dreamer and Richards have this exact exchange (this is transcribed perfectly):
 
Dreamer: Stevie, you more than anyone in this building know how much the ECW championship means to me so come on man.
 
Richards: Come on?  You’re gonna come on me?
 
Everyone else in the building and watching at home: EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
 
Richards then says he doesn’t get why he isn’t getting a title shot when he was the only one in the ring who didn’t get pinned last week.  They all start arguing when Estrada interrupts and says none of them are qualified to be the #1 contender but they all will participate in an Elimination Chase to No Mercy.  It will start with a Fatal Four Way where the first one to lose is out.
 
Tommy Dreamer vs. Stevie Richards vs. Elijah Burke vs. Kevin Thorn (Fatal Four Way for the Elimination Chase to Find Out Who Will Be Eliminated And Which Three Will Advance to Be the Number One Contender for the ECW Championship Match Against CM Punk at the No Mercy Pay Per View Live From the AllState Arena in Chicago, Illinois Sponsored By WWE Mobile on AT@T.......*breathes*)
 
They had gone to commercial when this one started and when we come back Burke is battling Dreamer and Thorn with Richards.  Dreamer hits Burke with a suplex and Thorn takes over and Burke goes after Richards.  Thorn takes Tommy to the outside and throws him into the hollow steps.  Richards comes back with a series of kicks but Dreamer sneaks behind him and hits a suplex.  He then goes to the second rope but gets thrown down.  Burke then gives Richards the triple German suplexes (didn’t they ban that move?).  He then goes for a jump at the ropes but Richards moves out of the way.  Thorn picks up Stevie and slams him and gets a near pin before Burke hits the Outer Limits Elbow on Dreamer.  Richards gets up and starts kicking Thorn but then gets dropkicked in his face by Burke.  Richards hits a stiff kick on Thorn sending him out of the ring and Burke goes to the outside as well.  There are a series of roll ups, sort of like when every kid in the cafeteria except me used to have a fruit roll up.  Thanks for reminding me jerks!  Richards and Thorn are on the outside and Burke jumps on them from over the ropes and gets caught, and Dreamer knocks them down with a baseball slide (and he’s SAFE!).  Dreamer then runs along the apron and takes out Thorn on the floor.  And now for a commercial…
 
Commercial Comment: “The Condemned” is on DVD and in a true fit of irony I heard to boost sales they’re going to be packaging it with “The Running Man” which is a far superior movie about a “to the death” TV show.
 
When we come back Dreamer hits a sit down power bomb on Thorn and gets a two count.  Richards grabs Dreamer and does a monkey flip under the ropes.  All four guys end up back in the ring and more chaos ensues that is too difficult to recap.  Burke ends up on the receiving end of a Torture Rack from Thorn and falls into a sitting position but only gets two.  Dreamer hits a fall away slam on Burke but Thorn grabs Tommy and sets up for a crucifix power bomb before Richards hits a Stevie Kick in Thorns face.  Dreamer clotheslines Richards and Tommy pins Thorn but can’t get three.  Burke goes to the top but Dreamer catches him and then Richards tosses Tommy to the floor.  He then starts punching Burke and sets up for a superplex but Thorn hits a powerbomb simultaneously in a cool visual.  Dreamer hits a frogsplash from the top and gets tossed to the outside and both Thorn and Burke pin Richards.
 
Winners: Elijah Burke, Kevin Thorn, and Tommy Dreamer
Losers: Stevie Richards and the IWC
 
They show the Raw Rebound and it cracks me up how Cena’s dad is only referred to as Mr. Cena.  CM Punk is then shown backstage and Burke comes over and asks him to autograph the new WWE magazine that Punk is on the cover of.  He thinks the value will go up when he wins the ECW title.  Punk wishes him luck and Burke says last week Punk had said luck is for losers.  He reiterates by saying “yeah that’s why I said it”.  BURN!!!
 
The Miz and the Extreme Skanks come down to ringside and now Miz has a shirt with a chick and a magnet.  He introduces that the so called women will be doing their dance tonight and dance to Salt n Pepa’s “Push It” though I wish it was “Push Them Off a Cliff”.  Balls Mahoney comes out right after it ends and he’ll be facing Mike Knox…again.
 
Balls Mahoney vs. Mike Knox
 
Knox starts off aggressively but eventually Balls does some Teabagging on Knox.  Knox misses a bicycle kick and Balls hits a sit down powerbomb and gets the pin.
 
Winner: Balls Mahoney
 
Balls gets on the microphone and asks Kelly Squared on a date.  She walks off with the rest of the losers and Balls says he’ll take that as a yes.  Hey whatever floats your boat, man.  Actually if their date is on a boat, her plastic body can keep them afloat if it capsizes.
 
Big Titty V makes his entrance and my friend who has never seen him before says “that’s gross”.  Boogeyman follows frothing at the mouth and we are ready for our insignificant event.
 
Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker vs. the Boogeyman
 
V goes for the worms and Boogeyman attacks from behind.  V comes back because of the size advantage and a fairly decent show has completely gone to hell.  You know, the ridiculous thing about V’s size is you’d need six people to give him a titty twister.  Boogeyman keeps trying to take control of the match but is unsuccessful.  Eventually V hits the Side Order Slam and an elbow drop and gets the pin.
 
Winner: Big Daddy V
 
Show’s over at this point and the fans are probably pissed.
 
Extreme Moment: The Fatal Four Way was a good match but it was pretty obvious Stevie was gonna lose.
 
Not So Extreme Moment: Boogeyman-Big Titty V is built up for months and ends up being a squash match?  What the hell was the point?
 
Recaps galore!  Choose from Raw, Unforgiven, No Surrender, Impact, and Smackdown.  Also don’t forget Deadface Walking, Done! and check out the new Gimmick Table featuring new wrestling reality shows (no doubt inspired by Ashley being featured on Survivor: Who Gives a Shit?).  Now hit my music!

 
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.


 
 
I just got home from a long baseball game and I need to churn this sucker out in a hurry so let’s get right to it.
 
Theme and pyro and we are LIVE from Indianapolis, Indiana.  Tonight CM Punk faces Matt Striker, hey they’re a good fit.  A teacher would tell his students not to do drugs or drink alcohol.  Not sure how they feel about dropping your classmates on your knee though.  Starting off tonight we get essentially a triple threat version of last week’s fatal four way.
 
Elijah Burke vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Kevin Thorn (Triple Threat Match, Loser Out of the Elimination Chase)
 
Dreamer rolls to the outside after getting hit by Thorn’s elbow and stays outside while Burke and Thorn battle.  Dreamer comes back in and ends up getting clobbered by Thorn.  This match follows the usual triple threat format where only two guys are really doing anything at one time.  The thing is since the goal is just to not get pinned, this is where being the one on the outside makes the most sense.  A series of roll ups and small packages ensues including a double backslide on Thorn before going to commercial.
 
No commercials were worth mentioning and when we’re back Burke misses Dreamer and flies over the top rope.  Dreamer takes control and gets a near pin and then punches from the second rope before getting knocked off.  By the way I can now see why he is wearing a bandana to the ring, he’s sporting quite the bald spot.  Tommy hits a reverse DDT and throws Thorn to the outside but Burke is there to take out Dreamer.  Thorn attacks Burke and then they do some battle in the ring.  Thorn does a neckbreaker sort of move but as Burke comes back, Dreamer interrupts (how rude!) and puts Elijah in the Tree of Woe and dropkicks him to the head.  Thorn sneaks from behind and hits a jawbreaker and nearly gets three.  Burke goes to the top but gets caught by Dreamer and as Thorn comes over and tries for a powerbomb but Tommy gets out and hits a neckbreaker.  He then takes out Burke and locks in a sharpshooter but Thorn kicks Tommy in the head.  Close pin again and as Thorn is about to put Burke away, Dreamer kicks him in the head and hits a DDT.  Burke throws Dreamer to the outside and pins Thorn.
 
Winners: Tommy Dreamer and Elijah Burke
Losers: Kevin Thorn and all of Transylvania
 
CM Punk is walking around backstage talking to random WWE staff members and comes over to Striker and Big Titty V.  I’d tell you what they were talking about but I was so nauseated by the tattooed rolls that I couldn’t comprehend anything other than V making some grumbling noises.
 
Nunzio comes out next and he’ll be facing Mike Knox.  Thrillsville!
 
Nunzio vs. Mike Knox
 
Knox has what looks like two feet of height difference.  For some reason no matter how much this tries to look like a squash match, Nunzio keeps kicking out.  Thatsa spicy meatball!  He ends up missing a move in the corner and Nunzio kicks low to knock Knox (heh nice one) off his feet.  Eventually it’s all for naught as Knox hits a bicycle kick and gets the pin.
 
Winner: Mike Knox
 
They show some Matrix-y computer code thing which I guess is a teaser for someone.  The Miz is out next to face Silas Young who is from Indianapolis.  Where’s the hometown pop?
 
The Miz w/ Extreme Plastic vs. Silas Young
 
Here’s a good question.  Would you rather see a Miz squash match or a Diva Search segment?  Either way this one was pretty brutal to suffer through.  Aren’t you glad I do the hard work for you?  Miz unsurprisingly dominates, hits the Reality Check and gets the pin.
 
Winner: The Miz
 
Balls Mahoney comes out and says he has to talk to Kelly Squared.  He asks her out again because she didn’t answer last week.  Miz takes the microphone from her and hits Balls with it.  Remember when storylines didn’t take two months to cover what could be done in 5 minutes?
 
“The Condemned” is the hottest selling new DVD in America.  I don’t think anything else was released that day.  Not surprisingly next week Tommy Dreamer and Elijah Burke face off next week for the title shot at No Mercy.  They call it the finals of the Elimination Chase, though it’s really just a #1 contender’s match.  Burke brags to Dreamer that he’s better and stronger and younger.  Tommy says he has heart which Burke doesn’t.  Umm hello, then how is he breathing?  Didn’t you take anatomy Tommy?  Talk to Matt Striker, I bet he can refer you to someone.  Speaking of Striker, here he is.  We’re ready for our main event.
 
Matt Striker w/ Big Daddy V vs. ECW Champion CM Punk (Non-title Match)
 
Punk takes early control but Striker fights back and puts focus on Punk’s left arm.  Both men then exchange some kicks culminating in a running knee by Striker.  Punk fights back and hits several stiff kicks and some dropkicks.  He then hits a double armed backbreaker and the Pepsi One and bulldog before a clothesline from the top.  He then hits the Nyquil and gets the pin.
 
Winner: CM Punk
 
V immediately comes into the ring and clobbers Punk and hits a Samoan Drop.
 
Extreme Moment: Triple threat match was pretty good, setting up a good match for next week.
 
Not So Extreme Moment: Honestly, is there any point to a Miz squash match other than to intentionally lower ratings?
 
As always there is tons of good funny on The Fan this week.  Read it or be subject to Clockwork Orange style exposure to a Diva Search marathon.  Now hit my music!

 
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).