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ECW: The Next Generation
(September 2006 Archives.)

September 05, 2006
September 12, 2006
September 19, 2006
September 26, 2006

Here we are again for another night of undoubtedly saturated extreme wrestling.  Saturated with what can be determined by a lot of ways; by infiltrating with other brands’ talent, by bastardizing what was once a proud promotion, whatever you choose.
I’d like to mention an interesting ECW related happening of the last week (and no it did not involve Kelly bribing me with a blowjob so I’d stop giving her the Not So Extreme Award every week).  I signed up for a free trial with Blockbuster Online and one of the first DVDs I requested was this year’s ECW One Night Stand since I wanted to see RVD’s title win (before he smoked it away).  Well they sent me last year’s One Night Stand and while I know it was the better of the two, I had already seen it so I filed a report so they’d send the right one.  Well a couple days later the DVD comes in and sure enough they sent last year’s AGAIN!  I filed an other report and wrote a complaint letter (which netted me a free store rental) and am hoping this time they don’t screw it up.  More on this FASCINATING story as it develops.
Show opens with a video recap of the DX-McMahons match from Summerslam and the events from Raw over the last couple of weeks with the Big Show with his challenge to DX as a voiceover.  We go live in Columbus, GA and DX enters the arena.  I know this joke has been done, but isn’t showing up that late grounds for dismissal?
The opening match is under extreeeeeeeeeeeme rules.  Sabu followed by RVD enter first then their opponents, Mike Knox and Test who are of course accompanied by the Queen of Not So Extreme.
Sabu and Rob Van Dam vs. Test and Mike Knox with Kelly Squared (True ECW vs. Fake ECW Which Can Refer to Either Their Extreme Status Or Kelly’s Rack)
I daydreamed for a moment because I’m so tired but Sabu got a dropkick on Mike Knox then tagged RVD in.  Knox takes control and slams RVD followed by an elbow drop.  Test tags in while Sabu sets up a table outside.  Test throws RVD into the corner and nails a clothesline but then RVD throws him to the other corner and hits a flying spin kick which takes RVD over the top rope.  He tags in Sabu and they do a Rolling Thunder and somersault leg drop in tandem followed by a kick from the second rope in tandem as well.  RVD goes for the table but is stopped by Knox.  Inside the ring, Tes t picks up Sabu but RVD is able to get to the top rope and kick Test.   Test, Knox, and RVD find their way to the apron and Sabu jumps over the top and all four fall through the table simultaneously which gets Styles to screech the man upstairs’ name as we go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: Wilford Brimley is still alive?  That proves it…oatmeal is the secret to longevity!
Back live, Sabu sets up a chair and goes off the ropes but ends up going face first into it thanks to Test’s drop toe hold.  RVD comes in the ring and throws Test in the corner and skateboards a chair into his face then goes to the top rope but Knox hits him with a chair.  He then climbs to the top and hits a superplex but right away Sabu hits a leg drop with the chair.  Sabu locks in the Camel Clutch and holds a chair in front of Knox’s face as RVD dropkicks it.  He throws Test into the corner and with a chair set up Sabu does his version of the Whisper in the Wind off the chair and Test falls face first into the back of it.  Sabu then nails the triple jump moonsault but only gets a two count.& nbsp; Sabu and RVD set up a table and put Knox on it and then simultaneously from opposite corners do a Five Star and a leg drop through the table.  Awesome visual and they get the pin.
Winners: Sabu and Rob Van Dam
Kevin Thorn is shown kissing Ariel’s neck and asks what the cards hold for them tonight.  She says it’s very sexual and well hey, she does have nice cleavage.  Matt Striker’s music hits and they show a recap of him going Milton on the Sandman (™ Sean) with the stapler.  He uses this opportunity to mock the local Little League team which won the Little League World Series.  He makes a horrible comparison that the fans would rather tell you how many rushing yards Michael Vick has than to “rush” to the library and read a book by Rush Limbaugh.  He then says he would never get killed by a stingray.  Crikey!  Tell me he did not just say that, mate! [/Crocodile Booker].  Too soon?  Sandman’s music hits and Striker this time runs from the ring.  Sandman takes a piece of chalk and writes so it says “Striker Sux”.  Looks like Sandman could use an extreme spelling class.
After a commercial we get the shilling for “The Marine” (no we didn’t get some ancient money, but they should pay me to watch this crap).  Apparently his character gets honorably discharged.  Whether or not the reason is for repeatedly mocking his fellow Marines with gay and poop jokes has yet to be determined.
Kevin Thorn and Ariel go to the ring and Ariel literally mounts Joey Styles and even though I don’t have a thing for vampires, I’d suck it up to get it on with her (the fact I said “suck it” was a vampire reference, not a DX reference just to clarify even though you’d have to be a moron to have thought that).  Balls Mahoney and Stevie Richards come to the ring and Styles complains about Count Freakula as we get this one underway.
Stevie Richards vs Balls Mahoney (Shouldn’t Right To Censor Make Him Change His Name?)
After Balls gets some punches in, Richards nails a neckbreaker.  He then hits a face buster and gets a two count.  Stevie puts on a chin lock then mocks Mahoney’s punch combination but misses the big one and Balls hits a flying elbow.  Balls then does his punch combination but hits Kevin Thorn on the apron with the big one.  Ariel distracts the referee long enough for Stevie to get the low blow and Thorn hits Balls with his walking stick making for an easy pin.
Winner: Stevie Richards
Shannon Moore is shown and he says he is the Prince of Punk and he is “bringing sex back”.  I am ashamed to know what that is a reference to but thankfully the CM of Punk (Colonel Mustard?) interrupts and calls him a poser before slapping him.
Back in the arena, Big Show comes to the ring followed by the Jewssiah Paul Heyman (yes I made that up).  He gets on the microphone and decided that a handicapped match under extreme rules is too dangerous.  He is wrong and he apologizes and then borrows a Vince line and says “in the interest of fairness” lifts the extreme rules stipulation.  We then go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: Next week, Raw returns to MSG and ironically Triple H is facing a non wrestler in the main event for the second time in a row there (he faced JR last year and faces Vince next week).  I think at this point I am not going because it’s the last show before a PPV and I don’t need WWE’s crappy hard sell to take 65 bucks out of my pocket.  It just would be cool since I work two blocks away from the arena.
DX comes to the ring and we are ready for our main event.
Degeneration X vs. Big Show (Because We Can’t Push Our Own Stars, We’ll Push Raw’s)
DX both attack Show and HBK kicks him right in the gut and goes for a DDT but Show lifts him up for a suplex.  However, Trips kicks him in the stomach and Shawn nails the DDT.  Show kicks out emphatically from the pin attempt and starts attacking both men.  A few chops to Hunter in the corner and a headbutt to HBK.  Show goes for a move similar to Rikishi’s from the second rope but misses.  Hunter goes to attack but Heyman pulls the ropes so he ends up out of the ring where the armored guards attack him.  Show continues to dominate Michaels and eventually locks in a bear hug.  HBK breaks out of it and goes off the ropes but Show tries for a chokesla m.  Hunter breaks it up and Show telegraphs the back body drop and he hits his knee off his face.  After a throw to the corner, HHH hits a spine buster on Show and HBK jumps over the top to take out the armored guards.  Trips goes for the Pedigree but Hardcore Holly runs in to cause the disqualification.
Winners by DQ: DX
Holly continues to attack but Shawn fights back and nails an inverted atomic drop.  Hunter gets thrown from the ring and the guards, Holly and Show attack HBK.  Hunter grabs a sledge hammer from the under the ring and clears the ring with it plus HBK hitting Sweet Chin Music on one of the guards.  DX does their crotch chops with pyro as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: The opening match was great with some actual “holy shit” moments.
Not So Extreme Moment:  The streak is over!  After 12 straight weeks, I have decided to go with something that really pissed me off more than Kelly.  The main event was just a stupid idea to begin with and DX has no reason to be on ECW taking camera time away from guys who got none.  This is one of the main reasons ECW is not being taken seriously as a brand.
Check out my recap of the first half of last night’s Raw followed by Cameron’s second half as well as Joe’s Lowdown on Smackdown, Martin’s Tissue Paper and Crime Scene Photos, and all of the other TWF funny.  If you don’t laugh, it means you were born without a sense of humor.  Now hit my music!


Too tired for a clever intro but I can tell you I did not go to see tonight’s show last night because I wanted to save my money and well, I knew it would be mediocre at best.  On the Raw side, I was right (though it would have been cool to see Piper live).  Let’s get to the show.
Theme plays and we are TAPED from Madison Square Garden in NYC.  For those who don’t know the city landscape, it’s only a stone’s throw from Hammerstein Ballroom, the home of both One Night Stands.  And I would like to throw that stone right at Vince for bastardizing this once glorious franchise.  Anyway, Heyman comes to the ring with his armored guards and is talking about how hist oric this night is because it’s ECW’s first night ever in MSG.  He thanks himself for making that happen.  He blames the crowd for ECW going out of business in the first place and takes all the credit for all the successes.  He starts talking about Big Show being on tonight and Sabu’s music hits and he runs into the guards with a chair.  Sabu then goes after Heyman and the guards stop him until he hits them with the chair again and delivers an Arabian Facebuster on one of them.  Heyman gets on the mic and refreshes our memory of tonight’s main event before jumping onto the rope and right onto the guards.  RVD will face Hardcore Holly next as we go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: Smackdown and ECW are coming to Long Island.  I wouldn’t go see Raw and ECW at the Garden, why the hell would I go to THAT?
Back on the show, RVD makes his entrance followed by Sparkplug, err…I mean Hardcore Holly.  Since you asked Bob, I don’t like you now, I didn’t like you then, and I won’t like you soon.
Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly (Botched Moves vs. Bitch Slaps)
RVD goes on the attack first and runs at Holly but he ducks and throws him over the ropes.  Holly jumps on Van Dam on the floor.  RVD gets up quickly and goes for a moonsault from the ring barrier but kind of botches it and goes splat.  Back inside, Holly is on the offensive until RVD uses a boot to the face.  RVD nails Rolling Thunder and a two count.  He then gets a monkey flip.  Van Dam goes to the top but Holly shakes the rope which makes RVD fall right onto his cash and prizes.  Holly goes to attack him but RVD pushes him off.  As he goes for the Five Star, Stevie Richards, Mike Knox and Test hit the ring and all beat up on RVD until Sandman’s music hits.  He makes good use of the Singapore cane including a real hard whack on Richards, which Dreamer follows up with a DDT and an RVD Five Star Frogsplash.
Oh and Winner by DQ: Rob Van Dam
We get our Marine segment and a thought occurred to me.  Robert Patrick played an indestructible robot in T2.  John Cena plays an indestructible wigger.  It’s the battle of the century!
Back in the arena, we get CM Punk who comes out to a nice pop.  He’ll be facing “The Reject” Shannon Moore who is making his debut in the ECW ring.
CM Punk vs. “The Reject” Shannon Moore (Plenty of Punk, But We Need More Cowbell!)
Moore goes for a tornado DDT from the ropes but Punk pushes him off.  CM does a flying forearm.  Some other offense in the middle of a HUGE CM Punk chant followed by a urinagi and the Anaconda Vice and “The Reject” must be the extreme name for a jobber.
Winner: CM Punk
Rene Dupree is backstage saying what a big night this is and next is his debut.
CM Punk is being congratulated by the FBI until Kelly Squared interrupts saying what a big fan she is.  She wants to go to one of those crazy nightclubs but she’s only 19.  Knox pulls her away.  We get it; she’s an “exhibitionist”.  Can we have one week without her?
Rene Dupree makes his debut with his exact same theme music as from his La Resistance days.  He’ll be facing Jersey’s own Balls Mahoney.
Rene Dupree vs. Balls Mahoney (Tickle My Balls Match)
Dupree starts with a series of punches until Balls reverses it while Styles is a little too well informed with the grooming practices of the French guy.  Dupree with a pair of moves off the second rope but can’t get a two count.  He does the French Tickler and Joey doesn’t want to say that so close to Ariel.  Tazz actually says “Dupree is slapping Balls”.  Mahoney comes back with his series of punches which from now on I will call Teabagging (thanks to Cameron for that one as he says it’s “Balls to the face” so it is perfect).  He goes outside and hits Kevin Thorn then goes for a chair.  The ref pulls it away from him and Thorn pulls him down so he lands right on the steel steps.  He gets thrown back inside and Dupree gets an easy pin.
Winner: Rene Dupree
Matt Striker is backstage worried about how much “giggle water” we drink while watching the Sandman.  Umm does it really matter what else he said?
Styles and Tazz plug the Hell in a Cell match and then show last night’s DX-McMahon/Big Show confrontation.  Show’s music hits and he enters with Heyman and his guards.  Sabu then makes his entrance to a big pop (man I love the MSG crowds).  The ring announcer does the proper introductions before we get this one underway.  Sabu goes outside and grabs a pair of tables before we go to commercial.
Sabu vs. ECW Champion Big Show w/Heyman and Guards (Let’s Run This Feud Into The Ground Match)
Sabu throws a chair at Show but he sways it away.  Big Show then nails a big chop followed by a head butt.  He throws Sabu out of the ring and the guards attack him.  Back in the ring while Show gives another head butt, Heyman repeatedly says “he’s a giant!”  Sabu tries to come back but Show clobbers him with a clothesline.  The crowd starts chanting “Big Show sucks”.  Sabu gets a chair and throws it at Show twice which knocks him off his feet.  He goes for a camel clutch but Show counters it into a side slam.  He goes for a kick but Sabu dodges it which gets Show caught split over the top rope.  Sabu kicks Show out of the ring.  Back inside, Show regains control and he calls for a table after the crowd chanted for one.  Show sets it up and goes for a choke slam, but Sabu counters to a DDT through the table.  He only manages a two count on the pin.  Sabu hits Show repeatedly with the chair and ends up knock ing him out of the ring through a table set up on the outside.  Sabu goes outside and attacks the guards then sets up another table.  Show catches him from behind but Sabu gets loose and Show hits the post.  Sabu goes for a move over the top but Show completely blocks it and choke slams him through the table.  Back inside, Show finishes off Sabu by dropping him on his knee and follows that with a Showstopper and pin.
Winner: Big Show
Show walks up the ramp raising his belt as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment:  Opening match and main event were both good.
Not So Extreme Moment: Shannon Moore does promos for weeks hyping his debut and all he does is job.
Check out the fun stuff on the Fan as there’s always plenty of material guaranteed to offend but in a good way.  Now hit my music!


Welcome to the place that has critics going wild with comments like “I’ve never been so offended!”, “This guy needs to get a life!”, and “Where the hell are the dancing cats?”  Ironically, these are referring to the show itself not this column.
Tonight we are TAPED from Montreal (because they aren’t cool enough to get a live ECW show).  We will get a special appearance by King Booker, and by special I mean in the Eugene sense.  When I heard he was going to be on the show my immediate reaction was “Aww hell, King Booker?”
Show opens with a limo pulling in and a red carpet being set up and Paul He yman greets King Booker and Queen Sharmell.  It will be Heyman’s pleasure to introduce him to everyone.  Umm, I don’t remember kings riding in limos well unless you count King Jaffe in “Coming to America”.  Theme plays and we start with a six man tag match.  Sabu is out first, followed by Sandman and Tommy Dreamer who enter through the crowd.  Sandman walks all around the ring barrier and goes through three beers in the process and has a lot of blood running from his forehead.  Test, Mike Knox and Kelly Squared come out next followed by Matt Striker in the GAYEST sweater I have ever seen.
Sabu, Sandman and Tommy Dreamer vs. Matt Striker, Test and Mike Knox w/ Kelly (The Innovator of Arab Beer vs. The Teacher’s Exam About Some Dude and His Slut)
Dreamer and Knox start off with a quick exchange of blows (that’s punches you pervert/drug addict!) and Striker tags in.  Dreamer ends up on the outside and Test rams him into the steel steps.  Striker then knocks Sandman off the apron which seemed to knock him out.  The refs lead him to the back as we go to commercial.
Commercial Comment:  Burger King, King Burger, King Booker, Booker T, robbery of a Wendy’s.  What is the solution? The Burger King is a criminal!
Back to the show, Test rams Dreamer’s head to the turnbuckle then kicks him repeatedly.  Tommy gets thrown to the other corner then clo theslined.  Striker (in his HOT PINK tights, Vito looks more masculine in his ring attire) gives Dreamer a neckbreaker and gets a two count.  Test tags back in and beats down on Tommy some more before tagging in Knox who locks in a bear hug then after a throw to the ropes nails a big powerslam and only gets two.  Knox then misses a leg drop then when he tries to follow up, Dreamer counters with a reverse DDT.  Dreamer gets to the corner and tags in Sabu who hits a moonsault leg drop then with the help of Dreamer, does his version of the Whisper in the Wind followed by a leg drop off Dreamer’s back.  He goes for a camel clutch but Test clotheslines him.  The ref tries to get him to go out of the ring but Test push es him which causes a DQ.
Winners by DQ: Sabu, Sandman and Tommy Dreamer
Test nails what I think he calls the Test Drive on Sabu then Knox hits a leg drop from the top rope but then Sandman manages to come back to the ring and knocks the hell out of Test and Knox with the Singapore cane but Striker manages to escape.
Heyman is introducing some of the jobbers and then comes over to Balls Mahoney.  King Booker looks offended by his name and he says he’s called that because he does everything “balls to the wall”.  Yeah right and the Dicks got their name because they were private detectives when not in the ring.
After a commercial, Kevin Thorn and Ariel make their way to ringside.  Balls Mahoney enters next accompanied by Francine (wearing a VERY revealing dress).  Ariel almost loses it.
Kevin Thorn w/ Ariel vs. Balls Mahoney w/ Francine (A Thorn in My Balls Match)
Thorn tosses Balls out of the ring but Mahoney rams Thorn’s head into the apron.  Back inside, Balls goes to the ropes but is knocked down.  Thorn goes to the corner but Balls gets out of the way fo llowed by a round of Teabagging.  Balls then nails a sit down powerbomb and only gets two.  Ariel tries to interfere but Francine pulls her off the apron which gets I believe the first time we’ve seen on this show a trademark Joey Styles CATFIIIIIIIIGHT!!!  That distraction is just enough for Kevin to nail a crucifix powerbomb and gets the pin.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
Heyman continues his tour by introducing the FBI then CM Punk.  Punk says he hopes someday he can challenge King Booker to a match.
After a commercial, Shannon Moore heads down to the ring.  He is followed by CM Punk for a rematch from last week.
CM Punk vs. “The Reject” Shannon Moore (All the Hyping in the World Can’t Change the Fact It’s Shannon Freaking Moore)
Kelly Squared can be seen watching this match and Punk nails Moore with a leg lariat.  Punk goes for an unusual submission (not even sure how to describe it) but Moore breaks out and actually gets some offense in.  He goes for a lateral press and pin attempt but only gets two.  Punk comes back with a few forearms bu t Moore manages to nail a spinning kick and gets a close count.  He then goes to the top rope and misses a flying corkscrew.  Punk takes advantage with a couple of slaps and kicks followed by a urinagi and the Anaconda Vice to pick up the win.
Winner: CM Punk
The tour continues and they come across Rob Van Dam.  RVD says he must be looking for competition.  Booker asks if he wants to “joust” tonight and RVD mockingly says yes.  So they’re going to be riding ostriches and every time one of them lands on top of the o ther, they turn into an egg (old school video games HUZZAH!)
After some ads are paid, Rene Dupree is bragging about his win from last week which makes him the most extreme guy in ECW.  We then get the segment for “The Marine”.  Robert Patrick mentions how Cena would take a beating on the set and shrug it off.  Just like on Raw!  Back at ringside, RVD comes to the ring followed by King Booker and unfortunately Sharmell has a microphone and repeatedly says “I HAVE AN ANNOYING VOICE!”  OK maybe not, but those cheese graters they used to use in ECW across the face sound pretty good right about now.
Rob Van Dam vs. World Heavyweight Champion King Booker w/Sharmell (Five Star! Five Star! Five Star! Five Star! Five Star Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeme Rules Match!)
Styles actually acknowledges a bit of continuity in that these two used to be a tag team (though with the thin rosters th ese days, who hasn’t).  After a lockup and a trade of punches (I’ll give you a roundhouse and a jab for an uppercut and a haymaker to be named later), RVD goes to the top but Booker pushes him off.  Outside RVD is on the receiving end of a suplex then his throat being dropped on the ring barrier.  Back inside, Booker takes a chair and lays it in the center of the ring.  He goes for a windmill kick but misses and RVD hits him with a kick of his end.  As RVD goes to take advantage, Booker nails the Bookend.  He then goes for a scissors kick on the chair but RVD throws the chair in his face.  He then does the Steel Skateboard and goes for a pin but only gets two.  RVD sets up a chair on Booker and delivers Rolling Thunder and goes for a pin but still only two.  Tables chant from the crowd as RVD sets up a chair in the corner.  Booker kicks Rob but it is then reversed and RVD gets a split legged moonsault.  Booker manages to come back and does a monkey flip right into the chair.  Booker grabs another chair outside the ring and appeared to go for a piledriver on the chair but RVD breaks out, then goes off the ropes but Booker gets a spinebuster on the chair.  Booker goes to the top but misses.  RVD goes to the top and nails the Five Star.  Before he can go for a pin, Hardcore Holly interferes with a chair shot and the Alabama Slam.  Booker kicks RVD in the stomach then hits the scissors kick on the chair (though it was kind of botched).  Easy pin for Booker.
Winner: King Booker
Extreme Moment:  Main event until the run in was a pretty good match.
Not So Extreme Moment: If Matt Striker wore that outfit in school, he’d get his ass kicked (probably by a fourth grader).
I absolutely DEMAND you read Sean’s Unforgiven Rant which is one of the funniest things ever written for this site.  He was there live and he taped it on PPV so you get all kinds of in depth analysis!  I just wondered how he can afford to spend all that money but then I remember he lives in Canada.  Cameron’s Raw Rant is also a must read (which this week features a comment from me) as is Joe’s Lowdown on Smackdown and Martin’s Tissue Paper and Crime Scene Photos.  There’s other goodies as well that are worth checking out and you really should or else Sean may send a virus to your computer (my Sean jokes stop there, one more and I get fired).  Now hit my music!


Here we go again with the show that tries so hard to be extreme, that the reason the new TMX Elmo is laughing so hard is because of the how badly they are failing.  I’d like to go into Toys R Us just so I can say “do you have any Tickle Me Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeme Elmos?”  OK well I would probably only do that so I can turn them into mad profits on Ebay.
Theme and we are LIVE from Tulsa, Oklahoma.  Tonight we got Sandman facing Big Show for the ECW title.  They announce the very special guest, Oklahoma’s own JR.  Boy they bring out the bells palsy and whistles for these shows don’t they?  I’m going to hell for that one.  Anyway JR is reminiscing with the crowd about old time wrestling in the south until he is interrupted by Matt Striker.  He is out because of Heyman to educate JR and the “ignorant masses”.  He says it is appropriate JR is wearing a blue shirt because he is blue collar (well duh, blue shirts have blue collars dumbass).  He actually refers to him as James and all of a sudden Sandman is in the ring with a Singapore cane.  Striker asks JR to talk to Sandman but instead he gets whacked with the cane (not like on the Sopranos, he was able to get up).  He then gives the cane to JR who nails Striker with a shot of his own much to the delight of his hometown fans.  He then toasts their beer celebration to the next ECW champ the Sandman.
Commercial Comment:  Guest critic Fred Willard gave “Jackass Number Two” thumbs up.  I guess the question to that would be “WHA HAH-PENED?”  (I hope at least one person out there gets that reference).
Hardcore Holly is backstage and says he isn’t going to tell RVD what he is going to do to him, he’s gonna show him.  Well then why did they bother interviewing him?  After a replay of his run in last week, Holly makes his way to the ring.  RVD is out next to a nice pop and we are ready for our opening match.
Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly (Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeme Cider House Rules Match)
Arm drag by RVD then a throw to the turnbuckle.  Holly then kicks him in the gut and throws him off the rope.  Holly telegraphs his move (by using morse code?) and RVD kicks him right on the chin.  Outside the ring, Holly goes for a suplex but RVD reverses it and drops him on the ring barrier and then hits a spinning leg drop from the apron.  Van Dam goes under the ring and gets a table and the crowd then starts chanting “we want tables”.  I guess it’s true that southerners are a little slow…literally in this case.  After the table is set up Holly grabs RVD and throws him face fast into the steel post before throwing him back in the ring.  Holly chokes RVD on the ropes and then puts on a chin lock.  He then brings him over the corner for a series of kicks and RVD tries to come back.  Holly ends up on the ring apron and he goes for a suplex but RVD stops it and tries one but Holly reverses again and suplexes right through the table.  As they lie there like accident victims, we go to commercial.
Fast forward a couple minutes back to the show, and Holly has a huge gash on his back from the table fall.  It looks like the frame of the table was the cause of it though he didn’t seem to fall through the table properly (if there is such a thing).  Holly sets up a chair in the ring and drops RVD’s throat right on it.  He places the chair on RVD’s head and hits a leg drop on it.  Pin attempt but only gets two.  Holly goes for a suplex on the chair but RVD reverses it and with that gash, he’s got to be in serious pain.  RVD hits a series of punches and a clothesline then throws him to the corner and hits a monkey flip then a flying kick from the top rope.  RVD then skateboards steel right in Holly’s face then sets up the chair and gets Rolling Thunder (not the video game).  Only a two count on the pin attempt.  RVD goes for another monkey flip but Holly catches him and drops a big power bomb right on the chair.  Real close two count but RVD is able to kick out.  RVD puts the chair on Holly’s chest and goes for the Five Star but Holly throws it right into his face at the last second to which Joey screams “holy crap!”  Somehow RVD is still able to kick out and as Holly goes for an Alabama Slam RVD is able to break out of it then grabs a chair and nails the Van Daminator before going to the top and hitting the Five Star and then the pin.  Excellent match.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
A bandage is wrapped around Holly’s midsection and a much deserved ovation and chant from the crowd is given.  We then go backstage for CM Punk and he says everyone knows he’s straight edge and doesn’t drink or smoke.  Then why are you telling us again you idiot?  He says he wants to step in the ring with the big guys in ECW.  Kelly Squared then interrupts and admires his tattoos.  His 4 aces one gets her attention and she asks if he can help her with the Extreme Strip Poker since she’s only 19 and can’t go to casinos.  Umm, who cares that she’s only 19 except for the pedophiles that are relieved she’s legal?  Mike Knox interrupts and threatens Punk but CM tells him to keep a better watch on his woman.
Commercial Comment: Oh man I love the ghetto looking commercial for Weird Al’s new album.
We get our proverbial Marine segment and this time they focus on Kelly Clarkson.  Wow from American Idol to WWE Films.  Oh wait, it’s Kelly CARLSON!  Who the fuck is she?  Kevin Thorn and Ariel are out next followed by Francine.
Ariel w/ Kevin Thorn vs. Francine (Extreeeeeeeme CATFIIIIIIIIIGHT/Suck My Tits Match)
They go right at each other and Joey wastes no time to scream CATFIIIIIIIIIIGHT and Tazz says he hates when he does that.  Francine rips off part of Ariel’s outfit then Thorn interferes but then Balls Mahoney comes to the ring and hits Thorn with a chair that says “Insert Head Here”.
Winner: Umm, I don’t know but Ariel has an awesome rack
Heyman is backstage giving Big Show some advice for Sandman but Show isn’t scared and even says he wants the Singapore cane to be legal.  Oh and by the way, Happy New Year Paul!
Commercial Comment: Isn’t two hours already too long for Raw that they need three?
Rene Dupree checks out his package in the back and I wish I was talking about UPS.  What can schlong do for you?  Big Show then comes to the ring.  Sandman then enters through the arena doing his traditional beer spit and smash to his head before we go to another commercial.
ECW Champion Big Show vs. Sandman (Singapore Canes Are Legal But Are Singapore Whores? Title Match)
Back live, Sandman is beating the hell out of Show with the cane.  Big Show’s head is busted open but then headbutts Sandman.  Styles then reports Hardcore Holly needed 24 stitches as the gash in his back was rather deep.  Show delivers some chops (he doesn’t work for Omaha Steaks) and then another headbutt.  Sandman sneaks a finger to the eye but Show manages to clothesline Sandman anyway.  Show prevents Sandman from getting the cane and throws a huge roundhouse right as Styles then compares Show’s fists to shot puts.  I guess with Angle now in TNA they need any Olympic references they can get.  Show goes for a chokeslam but Sandman breaks out of it, and grabs the cane and hits him with it several times.  He goes for a pin but only gets two.  He goes for the cane again but Striker pulls it out of the ring.  Show hits the Tazzmission into a backbreaker move (I believe I called it the Baby Back Choke in a past column, but I will change it to a Baby Back Rib Breaker).  He then nails the Showstopper Leg Drop and gets the pin.
Winner: Big Show
Show smiles with the blood running from his forehead as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: Opening match was outstanding and kudos to Hardcore Holly for not only finishing the match with the deep gash in his back, but still taking some tough bumps risking further injury.
Not So Extreme Moment: Even though the Kelly Squared/CM Punk angle isn’t totally terrible, the fact she keeps mentioning the fact she’s only 19 is really really pointless (could this be a new streak?).  Honorable mention goes to Rene Dupree’s self admiration.
You know how it goes.  You read my column, and then you read other columns here.  That’s how this internet stuff works.  Now hit my music!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).