Welcome to the place that has
critics going wild with comments like “I’ve never been so offended!”, “This guy needs to get a life!”,
and “Where the hell are the dancing cats?” Ironically, these are
referring to the show itself not this column.
Tonight we are TAPED from Montreal (because
they aren’t cool enough to get a live ECW show). We will get a special
appearance by King Booker, and by special I mean in the Eugene sense. When I heard he was going to be on the show my immediate reaction was “Aww hell, King Booker?”
Show opens with a limo pulling
in and a red carpet being set up and Paul He yman greets King Booker and Queen Sharmell.
It will be Heyman’s pleasure to introduce him to everyone. Umm,
I don’t remember kings riding in limos well unless you count King Jaffe in “Coming to America”. Theme plays and we start with a six man tag match.
Sabu is out first, followed by Sandman and Tommy Dreamer who enter through the crowd.
Sandman walks all around the ring barrier and goes through three beers in the process and has a lot of blood running
from his forehead. Test, Mike Knox and Kelly Squared come out next followed by
Matt Striker in the GAYEST sweater I have ever seen.
Sabu, Sandman and
Tommy Dreamer vs. Matt Striker, Test and Mike Knox w/ Kelly (The Innovator of Arab Beer vs. The Teacher’s Exam About
Some Dude and His Slut)
Dreamer and Knox start off
with a quick exchange of blows (that’s punches you pervert/drug addict!) and Striker tags in. Dreamer ends up on the outside and Test rams him into the steel steps.
Striker then knocks Sandman off the apron which seemed to knock him out. The refs
lead him to the back as we go to commercial.
Commercial Comment:
Burger King, King Burger, King Booker, Booker T, robbery of a Wendy’s. What is the solution? The Burger King is a criminal!
Back to the show, Test rams
Dreamer’s head to the turnbuckle then kicks him repeatedly. Tommy gets
thrown to the other corner then clo theslined. Striker (in his HOT PINK tights,
Vito looks more masculine in his ring attire) gives Dreamer a neckbreaker and gets a two count. Test tags back in and beats down on Tommy some more before tagging in Knox who locks in a bear hug then
after a throw to the ropes nails a big powerslam and only gets two. Knox then
misses a leg drop then when he tries to follow up, Dreamer counters with a reverse DDT.
Dreamer gets to the corner and tags in Sabu who hits a moonsault leg drop then with the help of Dreamer, does his version
of the Whisper in the Wind followed by a leg drop off Dreamer’s back. He
goes for a camel clutch but Test clotheslines him. The ref tries to get him to
go out of the ring but Test push es him which causes a DQ.
Winners by DQ:
Sabu, Sandman and Tommy Dreamer
Test nails what I think he
calls the Test Drive on Sabu then Knox hits a leg drop from the top rope
but then Sandman manages to come back to the ring and knocks the hell out of Test and Knox with the Singapore
cane but Striker manages to escape.
Heyman is introducing some
of the jobbers and then comes over to Balls Mahoney. King Booker looks offended
by his name and he says he’s called that because he does everything “balls to the wall”. Yeah right and the Dicks got their name because they were private detectives when not in the ring.
After a commercial, Kevin Thorn
and Ariel make their way to ringside. Balls Mahoney enters next accompanied by
Francine (wearing a VERY revealing dress). Ariel almost loses it.
Kevin Thorn w/
Ariel vs. Balls Mahoney w/ Francine (A Thorn in My Balls Match)
Thorn tosses Balls out of the
ring but Mahoney rams Thorn’s head into the apron. Back inside, Balls goes
to the ropes but is knocked down. Thorn goes to the corner but Balls gets out
of the way fo llowed by a round of Teabagging. Balls then nails a sit down powerbomb
and only gets two. Ariel tries to interfere but Francine pulls her off the apron
which gets I believe the first time we’ve seen on this show a trademark Joey Styles CATFIIIIIIIIGHT!!! That distraction is just enough for Kevin to nail a crucifix powerbomb and gets the pin.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
Heyman continues his tour by
introducing the FBI then CM Punk. Punk says he hopes someday he can challenge
King Booker to a match.
After a commercial, Shannon
Moore heads down to the ring. He is followed by CM Punk for a rematch from last
week.
CM Punk vs. “The
Reject” Shannon Moore (All the Hyping in the World Can’t Change the Fact It’s Shannon
Freaking Moore)
Kelly Squared can be seen watching
this match and Punk nails Moore with a leg lariat.
Punk goes for an unusual submission (not even sure how to describe it) but Moore
breaks out and actually gets some offense in. He goes for a lateral press and
pin attempt but only gets two. Punk comes back with a few forearms bu t Moore
manages to nail a spinning kick and gets a close count. He then goes to the top
rope and misses a flying corkscrew. Punk takes advantage with a couple of slaps
and kicks followed by a urinagi and the Anaconda Vice to pick up the win.
Winner: CM Punk
The tour continues and they
come across Rob Van Dam. RVD says he must be looking for competition. Booker asks if he wants to “joust” tonight and RVD mockingly says yes. So they’re going to be riding ostriches and every time one of them lands on top of the o ther, they
turn into an egg (old school video games HUZZAH!)
After some ads
are paid, Rene Dupree is bragging about his win from last week which makes him the most extreme guy in ECW. We then get the segment for “The Marine”. Robert
Patrick mentions how Cena would take a beating on the set and shrug it off. Just
like on Raw! Back at ringside, RVD comes to the ring followed by King Booker
and unfortunately Sharmell has a microphone and repeatedly says “I HAVE AN ANNOYING VOICE!” OK maybe not, but those cheese graters they used to use in ECW across the face sound pretty good right
about now.
Rob Van Dam vs.
World Heavyweight Champion King Booker w/Sharmell (Five Star! Five Star! Five Star! Five Star! Five Star Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeme
Rules Match!)
Styles actually acknowledges
a bit of continuity in that these two used to be a tag team (though with the thin rosters th ese days, who hasn’t). After a lockup and a trade of punches (I’ll give you a roundhouse and a jab
for an uppercut and a haymaker to be named later), RVD goes to the top but Booker pushes him off. Outside RVD is on the receiving end of a suplex then his throat being dropped on the ring barrier. Back inside, Booker takes a chair and lays it in the center of the ring. He goes for a windmill kick but misses and RVD hits him with a kick of his end. As RVD goes to take advantage, Booker nails the Bookend. He
then goes for a scissors kick on the chair but RVD throws the chair in his face. He
then does the Steel Skateboard and goes for a pin but only gets two. RVD sets
up a chair on Booker and delivers Rolling Thunder and goes for a pin but still only two.
Tables chant from the crowd as RVD sets up a chair in the corner. Booker
kicks Rob but it is then reversed and RVD gets a split legged moonsault. Booker
manages to come back and does a monkey flip right into the chair. Booker grabs
another chair outside the ring and appeared to go for a piledriver on the chair but RVD breaks out, then goes off the ropes
but Booker gets a spinebuster on the chair. Booker goes to the top but misses. RVD goes to the top and nails the Five Star.
Before he can go for a pin, Hardcore Holly interferes with a chair shot and the Alabama Slam. Booker kicks RVD in the stomach then hits the scissors kick on the chair (though it was kind of botched). Easy pin for Booker.
Winner: King Booker
Extreme Moment: Main event until the run in was a pretty good match.
Not So Extreme Moment: If Matt Striker wore that outfit in school, he’d get his ass kicked (probably by
a fourth grader).
I absolutely DEMAND
you read Sean’s Unforgiven Rant which is one of the funniest things ever written for this site. He was
there live and he taped it on PPV so you get all kinds of in depth analysis! I
just wondered how he can afford to spend all that money but then I remember he lives in Canada. Cameron’s Raw Rant is also a must read (which this week features a comment from me) as is Joe’s Lowdown on Smackdown and Martin’s Tissue Paper and Crime Scene Photos. There’s
other goodies as well that are worth checking out and you really should or else Sean may send a virus to your computer (my
Sean jokes stop there, one more and I get fired). Now hit my music!