Here we go again with the show that tries so hard to be extreme,
that the reason the new TMX Elmo is laughing so hard is because of the how badly they are failing. I’d
like to go into Toys R Us just so I can say “do you have any Tickle Me Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeme Elmos?”
OK well I would probably only do that so I can turn them into mad profits on Ebay.
Theme and we are LIVE from Tulsa, Oklahoma. Tonight
we got Sandman facing Big Show for the ECW title. They announce the very special guest, Oklahoma’s
own JR. Boy they bring out the bells palsy and whistles for these shows don’t they? I’m
going to hell for that one. Anyway JR is reminiscing with the crowd about old time wrestling in the south
until he is interrupted by Matt Striker. He is out because of Heyman to educate JR and the “ignorant
masses”. He says it is appropriate JR is wearing a blue shirt because he is blue collar (well duh,
blue shirts have blue collars dumbass). He actually refers to him as James and all of a sudden Sandman
is in the ring with a Singapore cane. Striker asks JR to talk to Sandman but instead he gets whacked with
the cane (not like on the Sopranos, he was able to get up). He then gives the cane to JR who nails Striker
with a shot of his own much to the delight of his hometown fans. He then toasts their beer celebration
to the next ECW champ the Sandman.
Commercial Comment: Guest
critic Fred Willard gave “Jackass Number Two” thumbs up. I guess the question to that would
be “WHA HAH-PENED?” (I hope at least one person out there gets that reference).
Hardcore Holly is backstage and says he isn’t going to tell
RVD what he is going to do to him, he’s gonna show him. Well then why did they bother interviewing
him? After a replay of his run in last week, Holly makes his way to the ring. RVD is
out next to a nice pop and we are ready for our opening match.
Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly (Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeme Cider
House Rules Match)
Arm drag by RVD then a throw to the turnbuckle. Holly
then kicks him in the gut and throws him off the rope. Holly telegraphs his move (by using morse code?)
and RVD kicks him right on the chin. Outside the ring, Holly goes for a suplex but RVD reverses it and
drops him on the ring barrier and then hits a spinning leg drop from the apron. Van Dam goes under the
ring and gets a table and the crowd then starts chanting “we want tables”. I guess it’s
true that southerners are a little slow…literally in this case. After the table is set up Holly grabs
RVD and throws him face fast into the steel post before throwing him back in the ring. Holly chokes RVD
on the ropes and then puts on a chin lock. He then brings him over the corner for a series of kicks and
RVD tries to come back. Holly ends up on the ring apron and he goes for a suplex but RVD stops it and tries
one but Holly reverses again and suplexes right through the table. As they lie there like accident victims,
we go to commercial.
Fast forward a couple minutes back to the show, and Holly has a
huge gash on his back from the table fall. It looks like the frame of the table was the cause of it though
he didn’t seem to fall through the table properly (if there is such a thing). Holly sets up a chair
in the ring and drops RVD’s throat right on it. He places the chair on RVD’s head and hits
a leg drop on it. Pin attempt but only gets two. Holly goes for a suplex on the chair
but RVD reverses it and with that gash, he’s got to be in serious pain. RVD hits a series of punches
and a clothesline then throws him to the corner and hits a monkey flip then a flying kick from the top rope. RVD
then skateboards steel right in Holly’s face then sets up the chair and gets Rolling Thunder (not the video game). Only
a two count on the pin attempt. RVD goes for another monkey flip but Holly catches him and drops a big
power bomb right on the chair. Real close two count but RVD is able to kick out. RVD
puts the chair on Holly’s chest and goes for the Five Star but Holly throws it right into his face at the last second
to which Joey screams “holy crap!” Somehow RVD is still able to kick out and as Holly goes
for an Alabama Slam RVD is able to break out of it then grabs a chair and nails the Van Daminator before going to the top
and hitting the Five Star and then the pin. Excellent match.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
A bandage is wrapped around Holly’s midsection and a much
deserved ovation and chant from the crowd is given. We then go backstage for CM Punk and he says everyone
knows he’s straight edge and doesn’t drink or smoke. Then why are you telling us again you
idiot? He says he wants to step in the ring with the big guys in ECW. Kelly Squared
then interrupts and admires his tattoos. His 4 aces one gets her attention and she asks if he can help
her with the Extreme Strip Poker since she’s only 19 and can’t go to casinos. Umm, who cares
that she’s only 19 except for the pedophiles that are relieved she’s legal? Mike Knox interrupts
and threatens Punk but CM tells him to keep a better watch on his woman.
Commercial Comment: Oh man I love
the ghetto looking commercial for Weird Al’s new album.
We get our proverbial Marine segment and this time they focus on
Kelly Clarkson. Wow from American Idol to WWE Films. Oh wait, it’s Kelly CARLSON!
Who the fuck is she? Kevin Thorn and Ariel are out next followed by Francine.
Ariel w/ Kevin Thorn vs. Francine (Extreeeeeeeme CATFIIIIIIIIIGHT/Suck
My Tits Match)
They go right at each other and Joey wastes no time to scream CATFIIIIIIIIIIGHT
and Tazz says he hates when he does that. Francine rips off part of Ariel’s outfit then Thorn interferes
but then Balls Mahoney comes to the ring and hits Thorn with a chair that says “Insert Head Here”.
Winner: Umm, I don’t know but Ariel has an awesome
Heyman is backstage giving Big Show some advice for Sandman but
Show isn’t scared and even says he wants the Singapore cane to be legal. Oh and by the way, Happy
New Year Paul!
Commercial Comment: Isn’t two
hours already too long for Raw that they need three?
Rene Dupree checks out his package in the back and I wish I was
talking about UPS. What can schlong do for you? Big Show then comes to the ring.
Sandman then enters through the arena doing his traditional beer spit and smash to his head before we go to another
ECW Champion Big Show vs. Sandman (Singapore Canes Are
Legal But Are Singapore Whores? Title Match)
Back live, Sandman is beating the hell out of Show with the cane.
Big Show’s head is busted open but then headbutts Sandman. Styles then reports Hardcore Holly
needed 24 stitches as the gash in his back was rather deep. Show delivers some chops (he doesn’t
work for Omaha Steaks) and then another headbutt. Sandman sneaks a finger to the eye but Show manages to
clothesline Sandman anyway. Show prevents Sandman from getting the cane and throws a huge roundhouse right
as Styles then compares Show’s fists to shot puts. I guess with Angle now in TNA they need any Olympic
references they can get. Show goes for a chokeslam but Sandman breaks out of it, and grabs the cane and
hits him with it several times. He goes for a pin but only gets two. He goes for the
cane again but Striker pulls it out of the ring. Show hits the Tazzmission into a backbreaker move (I believe
I called it the Baby Back Choke in a past column, but I will change it to a Baby Back Rib Breaker). He
then nails the Showstopper Leg Drop and gets the pin.
Winner: Big Show
Show smiles with the blood running from his forehead as we go off
Opening match was outstanding and kudos to Hardcore Holly for not only finishing the match with the deep gash in his back,
but still taking some tough bumps risking further injury.
Not So Extreme Moment:
Even though the Kelly Squared/CM Punk angle isn’t totally terrible, the fact she keeps mentioning the fact she’s
only 19 is really really pointless (could this be a new streak?). Honorable mention goes to Rene Dupree’s
You know how it goes. You read my column, and
then you read other columns here. That’s how this internet stuff works. Now hit my music!