TO THE BACK with the douche
duo of Ryder and Rosa running into Dreamer, and
wondering why he's still there. Dreamer
apparently does NOT approve of this, and grabs Zack
by his mesh shirt to chew him out. He
near-tearfully proclaims if Tommy gets beat tonight,
he's gone from ECW. Zack accepts, then
scurries away. Gee, I wonder how this will
Ezekiel comes out to pretty
much ZERO reaction, and uh oh, he's not dressed to
compete! Normally that wouldn't be too bad,
but it usually means he's going to be doing some
talking, which has the potential to be fucking
hideous. So he basically calls Kozlov the weak
link in a slightly British tone until Kozlov comes
out to...um, shove him out of the ring.
COMPELLING TELEVISION. Also, it looked like
Vlad was doing his best Great Khali impersonation,
because it was like a damn oak tree was walking out
there. But hey, he did get somewhat of a
reaction when he sent Zeke running. So it's a
start. That being said, the voice works really
well with Ezekiel. Makes him sound like Lennox
Lewis...if he was cloned then they did the fusion
dance. Though, a funny note, he blew his
growling load a wee bit too early, as he freaked out
before Kozlov was even out or his music hit...oops.
After a quickie meeting
between Christian and still teary Dreamer with the
champ wishing Tommy luck tonight, we get our next
Homecoming Qualifying Match #6: Evan Bourne
Vs. Mike Knox
Oh, quick note - Tommy,
basically crying all night kind of gives away what
happens tonight, don't you think?
So, this thing basically starts
out how every Bourne match starts...with Evan
getting his ass kicked. They both tumble to
the outside, and Mike just settles for flinging Evan
right into the barricade, almost causing a count
out. Evan gets back in just before 10, and
just gets his ass kicked more for his trouble.
Evan tries the comeback, but Knox shuts that shit
down in a hurry with a running cross body.
High flying moves are always more fun to watch when
a huge load does it. Evan gets the ropes
though and tries to go up, but Knox blocks.
Evan then blocks right back by wiggling away and
hitting a kick to the face. PPSSP connects and
that'll be it.
Winner: Evan Bourne
What Stood Out: Oh crap,
Evan won a match! That hasn't happened
since...well, since he was on ECW. That'll
teach you for being exciting to watch in the ring!
TO THE BACK ONCE AGAIN as
Tommy has a quick post-coitus talk with General
Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany. He looks
exhausted walking to the ring. Damn you GMGBT,
your insatiable lust for dick has once again screwed
us! Oh wait, it's Tommy Dreamer walking.
THAT'S why he's exhausted. Hey, I have to get
these in while I can.
Raw video package now,
focusing on Cena and Sheamus from last night.
I will admit fully that I did not see much of Raw
last night, just basically this micro-main event to
close out the show. Sorry, watching Brett
Favre throwing a hissy fit is just far too sweet to
miss. From what I saw, however...that Cena,
what a hero. Putting the champ through a table
then attacking him from behind. No wonder he's
so loved. This is followed by an ad basically
screaming at the viewers to WATCH RAW NEXT MONDAY
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Mmmm, desperation
smells good on you, WWE.
TO THE BACK AGAIN JESUS CHRIST with Japanese
Businessman Yoshi Tatsu about to hit the karaoke bar
with Goldust (not really, he's just trying to teach
him Japanese. I just assume all Japanese
people do is sing Karaoke and rape, and since Hamada
isn't around...) when THOSE GUYS show up. THEY
try mocking Goldust and Yoshi, and saying they hope
Dreamer loses tonight, followed by the two of them
just leaving. This leads Goldust to fire off a
tirade in Japanese, followed by the odd couple
leaving, likely to buy some used panties.
THOSE GUYS just stand there, being as useful as they
Tommy Dreamer Vs. Zack Ryder w/ Rosa Mendez
Well they're certainly giving
this one lots of time, which I am always a fan of.
So here's hoping Tommy's last match isn't a stinker.
Sure enough, Tommy is all over
Zack from the opening bell, having an answer for
everything Zack tries. Powerslam, bulldog,
pump-handle suplex all send Zack to the outside.
Tommy greets him with the fatty cannonball, but Rosa
pops in to do what she does best - standing there.
Apparently that's good enough to distract Dreamer
and Zack gets a cheap shot in, followed by tossing
Tommy into the ringpost. Apparently Zack
offense isn't allowed to be televised, because it
cuts to commercial as he's stomping away on Dreamer.
Back from break, Zack works an
armbar, which to his credit Tommy sells well.
He catches a Zack cross body, but can't follow
through because of the damage to the shoulder.
So the beating continues. Dreamer decides to
make things that much better by ramming the shoulder
into the post AGAIN, this time off a missed charge.
Ryder eventually misses a corner charge of his own,
leading to the Dreamer comeback. Things get
more exciting from here, with multiple back and
forth pin attempts before Zack hits the leg lariat
for a close count. Attempt to go up top leads
to a SUPER-EMOTIONAL Tree of Woe dropkick, followed
by the Dreamer DDT for the three...if Ryder's leg
wasn't under the rope. Dreamer stays on top of
things, but Ryder sneaks a roll-up for a VERY close
call. Crowd's definitely getting into this
one. Eventually things go up top again and
Dreamer tries to go up to hit a superplex, but Ryder
counters with a cross-body in mid air to...get the
Winner: Zack Ryder
What Stood Out: For his
last match, it was a pretty good one.
Certainly made Ryder and Dreamer look like big
deals. Though, Tommy Dreamer LOSES?!
Next you'll be telling me the world is round.
After the bell, LET'S GET
EMOTIONAL. Dreamer recollects his first time
attending a WWE event, recalling things that I'm
sure 90% of the crowd hasn't a clue about. I
can just imagine some brats asking "Who's Roddy
Piper?" If those kids don't get slapped, they
fail at parenting. It is a fairly big deal,
and it's pretty much shooting from what I can tell.
I'm not sure if Dreamer basically admitting that
they're supposed to call the fans the WWE Universe
was Vince approved. OOH BEULAH SHOT. His
kids are cute too. Good for him. After
concluding the emmy speech (just go and watch it,
I'm not transcribing everything), he loses the ECW
shirt to leave it in the ring, steps out to go
abduct his kids from Beulah, and goes up the ramp to
give one last pose with the kids, before jetting for
good. Eh, if I didn't know he was planning on
jumping ship to TNA I'd be a little more
sympathetic. Let's just say this wasn't quite
the Ric Flair sendoff. Luckily, it wasn't the
Victoria sendoff either. THE END.
Uppers: The Main Event and
post-match events. A damn good sendoff if you
ask me. Despite him basically being a jobber
extraordinaire, Dreamer's mark on the company is
noticeable enough. You KNOW him drinking
toilet water paved the way for so many superstars
today. So with that said, enjoy your post-WWE
vacation. Being able to hop on top of Beulah
every night beats any retirement package I can think
of. That being said, hopefully you won't be a
total joke in TNA!
Downers: Basically anything
non-related to the main event falls into this
category. The two qualifiers were both way too
short to get into, Ezekiel/Kozlov was just there and
gone, and Yoshi/Goldust is fast rising the ranks of
horrible WWE comedy that makes me want to murder.
I get that the whole "Tommy's leaving" thing was
going to eat up most of the time for the show, and
that's good. It's a big deal, treat it like
one. But pretty much everything else had to be
on ADD mode as a result, so it goes here.
Overall: Watch it for the Tommy
Dreamer stuff if you're a nostalgia kind of guy.
If not, then why are you on this site?
And away Tommy goes to see
Beulah, to be the man in her box. In only that
regard, I envy him. Godspeed, you fat bastard.
See you next year!