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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(12/29/09)
 
Crap.  I was hoping for a year-end review to quarter ass it tonight.  Yet I turn on my TV and...an actual show.  Boo.
 
So I flip on just as the show starts, with the Asian Annoucing machine Savannah looking husky but HOT.  Her stock just rose up in my book.  And my pants.  ANYWAY...Christian comes down (looking fresh out of playing Judd Nelson from The Breakfast Club apparently) to do some play-by-play for the following match:
 
ECW Homecoming Qualifying Match #5:  Matt Hardy Vs. Finlay
 
Thought the match was only open to current ECW'ers and former champs.  So what's Finlay and his God-awful music doing here?  DAMN YOU I WANT CONSISTENCY.  TONIGHT IS IMMEDIATELY RUINED.
 
So things start out punchy as is expected with Finlay, Who then proceeds to jam Hardy's knee from the top rope to the canvas, leading to a lengthy sell-job.  The non-pale as fuck Irishman (who apparently darkened his hair when I wasn't paying attention to SmackDown...or the fact that he hasn't been on TV in forever) heels it up on Hardy, working the knee with various kicks and holds.  Hardy gets some breathing room with a side effect, but then tanks it on a moonsault.  Some things never change, eh Matt?  Finlay tries to go for the pin from there, but he only gets a two.  Finlay then tries to pull Matt up, but gets popped with the Twist of Fate OUTTA NOWHERE (minus the twist part, looked like a plain ol' Diamond cutter to me) for the win.
 
Winner:  Matt Hardy
 
What Stood Out:  Eh, for what it was worth (about 5-8 minutes at the most), it was decent.  One guy stiffing the hell out of the other is still rather entertaining.
 

TO THE BACK with the douche duo of Ryder and Rosa running into Dreamer, and wondering why he's still there.  Dreamer apparently does NOT approve of this, and grabs Zack by his mesh shirt to chew him out.  He near-tearfully proclaims if Tommy gets beat tonight, he's gone from ECW.  Zack accepts, then scurries away.  Gee, I wonder how this will end?
 

Ezekiel comes out to pretty much ZERO reaction, and uh oh, he's not dressed to compete!  Normally that wouldn't be too bad, but it usually means he's going to be doing some talking, which has the potential to be fucking hideous.  So he basically calls Kozlov the weak link in a slightly British tone until Kozlov comes out to...um, shove him out of the ring.  COMPELLING TELEVISION.  Also, it looked like Vlad was doing his best Great Khali impersonation, because it was like a damn oak tree was walking out there.  But hey, he did get somewhat of a reaction when he sent Zeke running.  So it's a start.  That being said, the voice works really well with Ezekiel.  Makes him sound like Lennox Lewis...if he was cloned then they did the fusion dance.  Though, a funny note, he blew his growling load a wee bit too early, as he freaked out before Kozlov was even out or his music hit...oops.
 

After a quickie meeting between Christian and still teary Dreamer with the champ wishing Tommy luck tonight, we get our next match:
 
ECW Homecoming Qualifying Match #6:  Evan Bourne Vs. Mike Knox
 
Oh, quick note - Tommy, basically crying all night kind of gives away what happens tonight, don't you think?
 
So, this thing basically starts out how every Bourne match starts...with Evan getting his ass kicked.  They both tumble to the outside, and Mike just settles for flinging Evan right into the barricade, almost causing a count out.  Evan gets back in just before 10, and just gets his ass kicked more for his trouble.  Evan tries the comeback, but Knox shuts that shit down in a hurry with a running cross body.  High flying moves are always more fun to watch when a huge load does it.  Evan gets the ropes though and tries to go up, but Knox blocks.  Evan then blocks right back by wiggling away and hitting a kick to the face.  PPSSP connects and that'll be it.
 
Winner:  Evan Bourne
 
What Stood Out:  Oh crap, Evan won a match!  That hasn't happened since...well, since he was on ECW.  That'll teach you for being exciting to watch in the ring!
 

TO THE BACK ONCE AGAIN as Tommy has a quick post-coitus talk with General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany.  He looks exhausted walking to the ring.  Damn you GMGBT, your insatiable lust for dick has once again screwed us!  Oh wait, it's Tommy Dreamer walking.  THAT'S why he's exhausted.  Hey, I have to get these in while I can.
 

Raw video package now, focusing on Cena and Sheamus from last night.  I will admit fully that I did not see much of Raw last night, just basically this micro-main event to close out the show.  Sorry, watching Brett Favre throwing a hissy fit is just far too sweet to miss.  From what I saw, however...that Cena, what a hero.  Putting the champ through a table then attacking him from behind.  No wonder he's so loved.  This is followed by an ad basically screaming at the viewers to WATCH RAW NEXT MONDAY PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.  Mmmm, desperation smells good on you, WWE.
 

TO THE BACK AGAIN JESUS CHRIST with Japanese Businessman Yoshi Tatsu about to hit the karaoke bar with Goldust (not really, he's just trying to teach him Japanese.  I just assume all Japanese people do is sing Karaoke and rape, and since Hamada isn't around...) when THOSE GUYS show up.  THEY try mocking Goldust and Yoshi, and saying they hope Dreamer loses tonight, followed by the two of them just leaving.  This leads Goldust to fire off a tirade in Japanese, followed by the odd couple leaving, likely to buy some used panties.  THOSE GUYS just stand there, being as useful as they usually are.
 

Tommy Dreamer Vs. Zack Ryder w/ Rosa Mendez
 
Well they're certainly giving this one lots of time, which I am always a fan of.  So here's hoping Tommy's last match isn't a stinker.
 
Sure enough, Tommy is all over Zack from the opening bell, having an answer for everything Zack tries.  Powerslam, bulldog, pump-handle suplex all send Zack to the outside.  Tommy greets him with the fatty cannonball, but Rosa pops in to do what she does best - standing there.  Apparently that's good enough to distract Dreamer and Zack gets a cheap shot in, followed by tossing Tommy into the ringpost.  Apparently Zack offense isn't allowed to be televised, because it cuts to commercial as he's stomping away on Dreamer.
 
Back from break, Zack works an armbar, which to his credit Tommy sells well.  He catches a Zack cross body, but can't follow through because of the damage to the shoulder.  So the beating continues.  Dreamer decides to make things that much better by ramming the shoulder into the post AGAIN, this time off a missed charge.  Ryder eventually misses a corner charge of his own, leading to the Dreamer comeback.  Things get more exciting from here, with multiple back and forth pin attempts before Zack hits the leg lariat for a close count.  Attempt to go up top leads to a SUPER-EMOTIONAL Tree of Woe dropkick, followed by the Dreamer DDT for the three...if Ryder's leg wasn't under the rope.  Dreamer stays on top of things, but Ryder sneaks a roll-up for a VERY close call.  Crowd's definitely getting into this one.  Eventually things go up top again and Dreamer tries to go up to hit a superplex, but Ryder counters with a cross-body in mid air to...get the pin.  Shocking.
 
Winner:  Zack Ryder
 
What Stood Out:  For his last match, it was a pretty good one.  Certainly made Ryder and Dreamer look like big deals.  Though, Tommy Dreamer LOSES?!  Next you'll be telling me the world is round.
 
After the bell, LET'S GET EMOTIONAL.  Dreamer recollects his first time attending a WWE event, recalling things that I'm sure 90% of the crowd hasn't a clue about.  I can just imagine some brats asking "Who's Roddy Piper?"  If those kids don't get slapped, they fail at parenting.  It is a fairly big deal, and it's pretty much shooting from what I can tell.  I'm not sure if Dreamer basically admitting that they're supposed to call the fans the WWE Universe was Vince approved.  OOH BEULAH SHOT.  His kids are cute too.  Good for him.  After concluding the emmy speech (just go and watch it, I'm not transcribing everything), he loses the ECW shirt to leave it in the ring, steps out to go abduct his kids from Beulah, and goes up the ramp to give one last pose with the kids, before jetting for good.  Eh, if I didn't know he was planning on jumping ship to TNA I'd be a little more sympathetic.  Let's just say this wasn't quite the Ric Flair sendoff.  Luckily, it wasn't the Victoria sendoff either.  THE END.
 
Uppers:  The Main Event and post-match events.  A damn good sendoff if you ask me.  Despite him basically being a jobber extraordinaire, Dreamer's mark on the company is noticeable enough.  You KNOW him drinking toilet water paved the way for so many superstars today.  So with that said, enjoy your post-WWE vacation.  Being able to hop on top of Beulah every night beats any retirement package I can think of.  That being said, hopefully you won't be a total joke in TNA!
 
Downers:  Basically anything non-related to the main event falls into this category.  The two qualifiers were both way too short to get into, Ezekiel/Kozlov was just there and gone, and Yoshi/Goldust is fast rising the ranks of horrible WWE comedy that makes me want to murder.  I get that the whole "Tommy's leaving" thing was going to eat up most of the time for the show, and that's good.  It's a big deal, treat it like one.  But pretty much everything else had to be on ADD mode as a result, so it goes here.
 
Overall:  Watch it for the Tommy Dreamer stuff if you're a nostalgia kind of guy.  If not, then why are you on this site?
 
And away Tommy goes to see Beulah, to be the man in her box.  In only that regard, I envy him.  Godspeed, you fat bastard.  See you next year!
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).