Still standing here in
Orlando! And WHAT A COINCIDENCE, a certain
orange skulleted oaf is missing from the WWE opener
now. Yes, coincidence. Savannah (I'm
starting to think that all the sluts migrate to ECW
now. Hey, just like the old ECW!) announces
none other than the All-American American, Jack
Swagger, who comes out to spit up a promo.
Christian's still a chump, Tommy Dreamer's still
fat, and here's a video package to make Jimmy
Swaggert not look like a total waste on Raw.
Sorry, it wasn't that good, so mission NOT
accomplished. Jack boasts that he's going to
be the future champ, and apparently they don't waste
any time on this show, because as soon as he's
exiting, this guy's entering:
Ryder w/ Rosa Mendez Vs. Tommy Dreamer w/ Little
Zack's Headband is off, so you
just KNOW this shit is on. And if you believe
the fat jokes are passe, well I'm just getting them
in while I can. Tommy looks to be done with
WWE, so this might be one of his last matches.
And with him, we can officially declare ECW dead.
So Dreamer gets the upper hand
early, but while on the apron Rosa provides the
distraction, and then gets punched in the face.
Just kidding, that only happens on MTV. No,
instead Zack just gives Tommy's arm a tug and
gravity does the rest. There were no
survivors. Dick Ryder leg lariat gets a two
count, and the beating keeps on going. But OH
HO, Dreamer gets busy with some offense, hitting the
tree of woe dropkick, which was apparently SO
DRAMATIC Tommy tosses his shirt. OH GOD I'M
BLIND. Whew, he had a tank top on under it.
Still, haven't seen something like that in forever.
Maybe he got sweaty? Anyway, Zack turns things
around, hits the Zack Attack, and that's it.
Tommy jobbing? Surely you jest!
Winner: Zack Ryder
What Stood Out: For a
likely last match...how anticlimactic. Also,
WHAT A FEUD between the two New Yorkers. Two
week feud - sounds like the sequel to half-minute
DAMN that asian chick's
voice is husky. Sure she isn't a lesbian?
Excuse me for a second. *Flushes* that's
better. Now it's time for the Abraham
Washington show, and no joke, dude's getting chunky.
Also he's wearing a yellow shirt, making him look
like some sort of mutant bumblebee. After 3
minutes straight of Tiger Woods jokes (kill...me...)
we're introduced to our guests - THOSE GUYS.
Abe asks about the new talent initiative, to which
THOSE GUYS compare themselves to the likes of Miz
and Morrison, yadda yadda, give me a reason to care
please. They then throw in video game
references. That's cool now, right? If
that's cool, then consider me Miles Davis.
THEY plan on becoming tag champs by this time next
year - a LOFTY goal, to be sure. They just
have so much competition! Atlas jumps in and
notes that he's a former tag champ with Rocky
Johnson, to which THOSE GUYS tell him to shut it
because he's old. Abe takes offense to his
sidekick getting insulted, until he does it himself
and ends this trainwreck. THOSE GUYS stand on
the ramp and nonsensically pose. Stilllllllll
not getting a reason to care about this team...
TO THE BACK where Swagger
is having a chat with General Manager Generic Blonde
Tiffany, who rolls her eyes at the suggestion of her
being glad Swagger is back. GASP.
EMOTION. SEX BOT DOES NOT COMPUTE.
Hurricane wooshes in to break things up, making fun
of Swagger's lisp. How original. Just
know who was all over that shit first. Swagger
bails from too much stupidity flooding the office.
GMGBT NEVER STOPS SMILING. She's supposed to
be a GM, not a Barker's Beauty.
Milking the tribute to the
troops for all it's worth, we get a package of WE
SWEAR TO GOD REAL MARINE John Cena giving his promo
for the troops in the middle east. It was
heartfelt, touching, and classy. So, it has no
place here. Moving on!
ECW Homecoming Qualifying Match #3: Vance
Archer Vs. Goldust
Vance Archer! I loved
that guy in Garden State!
There's a WHOLE lot of shiny
outfits going on in that ring tonight, yeesh.
Archer decides on strikes for...oh pretty much all
of the match. Oh, and rest holds! Let's
not forget about the rest holds! Goldust
eventually battles back, but that shit's stopped in
a hurry with a charge to the corner turnbuckle.
Needlessly complicated reverse DDT follows
immediately after for the pin. Goldust just
experienced SEXUAL MAGIC.
Winner: Vance Archer
What Stood Out: I approve
of forsaking any ring talent Archer may have in
favor of making jokes nonstop about him. Come
on, I could recap his matches in ten words or less
at this point.
Oh, and for some reason they
cut to this random 5 second shot of Christian
watching tv after the match. You're a better
person for knowing, trust me.
SMACKDOWN RECAP GO.
Good call between the two shows, if I do say so
myself. This one focuses on the
Rey-Rey/Batista main event that frankly, wasn't so
bad. And any time Batista defends his crown as
"king of the most retarded faces ever" is a good
time in my book. Though, I find it hilarious
that Rey can kick out of the spear when guys like
ten times his size get pinned by it. Great
Khali, REY IS TOUGHER THAN YOU.
Speaking of more recaps, we
go back to reviewing Kozlov getting beat on by Regal
and Jackson, leading to a match for Superstars (met
with boos from the crowd - smart people down there).
After that, we cut TO THE BACK again, with Christian
giving Yoshi some tips on Swagger when Jack cuts in
to make dated Karate Kid references. Christian
calls him a dork, which (assumedly) Yoshi echoes in
Japanese. Swagger tells Christian that "you
can tell him in any language that I'm steamrolling
him tonight, and at the Royal Rumble...you're mine."
Actually, I thought that was a really good line.
So expect Swagger to be counting the ceiling lights
by the end of the night. Jack leaves, and
Yoshi says in Engrish "What a jackass." THAT'S
NOT PG. But it was funny. What can I
say, it was a weak moment.
Yet another hilariously
awful trailer for The Marine 2: The Other
Marine. I'll give Ted credit, at least his
character doesn't have the same first name as his
actual name. I'm still convinced the main guy
in The Marine was JOHN Triton because Cena couldn't
comprehend being called anything but John without
having an anyeursm.
ECW Homecoming Qualifying Match #4: The
All-American American Jack Swagger Vs. Yoshi Tatsu
Credit where it's due, Swagger
had a pretty damn good match against John Cena last
night. He still LOST, but he didn't look like
total shit like, say, a FUCKING FORMER WORLD
CHAMPION a week earlier.
Amateur shenannigans start the
match off, but Yoshi busts out the Karate to put a
stop to that. So Swagger settles for power
moves and rest holds not even 3 minutes into the
match. How is it even physically possible to
be blown up so fast and not be Mark Henry? So
after a few minutes of arm wrenches, Swagger tries
for the Doctor Bomb, but Yoshi flips out and goes
for the roundhouse of DOOM, which Swagger ducks and
retreats to the corner. INTENSE STARING ensues
going into the last commercial break.
Back from the break, Swagger
has wheelbarrow suplexed Tatsu into the Edo period,
and is going to town with various other suplexery
for a bunch of two counts. Maybe you should
lay off the push-ups during the match if you're
always breathing so heavy, buddy. You're
certainly no Scott Steiner. For one it doesn't
look like your arms are going to literally explode
at any moment. More arm rest holds follow up,
which makes perfect sense because you know how much
Yoshi Tatsu uses PUNCHES in his offense.
Yoshi's all over Swagger now, hitting his top rope
spinning heel kick for a VERY close two count.
Close calls abound from here, with Swagger hitting a
nice LARIATO to the back of Yoshi's head after
shooting in, followed by the turnbuckle
charge/Oklahoma stampede combo. Swagger
chooses not to cover, going for the Vader Bomb (and
HITTING it, what strange world is this), but Yoshi
grabs the rope to survive. While Swagger
argues, Yoshi hits the DOOM KICK OUTTA NOWHERE to
pick up the win.
Winner: Yoshi Tatsu
What Stood Out: Makes sense.
Build Swagger all show long only to have him job to
a kick. I can accept it somewhat, but MAN
Swagger is such a joke now.
After the bell, Swagger's still
out cold as Yoshi celebrates up the ramp.
Yatta, arigato, namaste, whatever. JUST KEEP
IT ASIAN DAMN IT. THE END.
Uppers: Main event was good times.
Who knew something as simple as building a guy up
all show would make things compelling? And
sort of legitimately surprising when Mr. underdog
scores the upset. And not in a bad way,
either. Sucks to be Swagger, but it certainly
makes Yoshi look fucking awesome, so well done.
Downers: Abraham Washington
continues his rash of horrible segments (they're not
all soul-crushingly bad, but I don't think I've seen
a good one yet). Other than that, nothing I'd
really call BAD. Lots of meh though with the
non-main event matches, however. Sorry, I
likes me some long matches, or at least ones that
don't solely consist of guys throwing punches back
Overall. STILL A BATTER
SHOW THAN RAW LAST NIGHT. Not that that's
actually saying much. I'm convinced that ECW
is where the radical ideas go. Such CRAZY
ideas like long builds, wrestling-centric
programming, and a generally coherent plot
throughout the show. INSANITY.
And that's another week in the
bag. Looks like I don't have to die today.
Instead I get to live long enough to see my savings
milked dry in the name of presents! Hooray!