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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(12/22/09)
 
Welcome back to the ECW Report.  As the year comes to an end, so does my tolerance for WWE.  With that said (and the less said about last night, the better), let's get this show on the road before I decide that cyanide pill over there looks tastier than it already does...
 

Still standing here in Orlando!  And WHAT A COINCIDENCE, a certain orange skulleted oaf is missing from the WWE opener now.  Yes, coincidence.  Savannah (I'm starting to think that all the sluts migrate to ECW now.  Hey, just like the old ECW!) announces none other than the All-American American, Jack Swagger, who comes out to spit up a promo.  Christian's still a chump, Tommy Dreamer's still fat, and here's a video package to make Jimmy Swaggert not look like a total waste on Raw.  Sorry, it wasn't that good, so mission NOT accomplished.  Jack boasts that he's going to be the future champ, and apparently they don't waste any time on this show, because as soon as he's exiting, this guy's entering:
 
Zack Ryder w/ Rosa Mendez Vs. Tommy Dreamer w/ Little Debbie
 
Zack's Headband is off, so you just KNOW this shit is on.  And if you believe the fat jokes are passe, well I'm just getting them in while I can.  Tommy looks to be done with WWE, so this might be one of his last matches.  And with him, we can officially declare ECW dead. Fannnnnnnnnnnnntastic.
 
So Dreamer gets the upper hand early, but while on the apron Rosa provides the distraction, and then gets punched in the face.  Just kidding, that only happens on MTV.  No, instead Zack just gives Tommy's arm a tug and gravity does the rest.  There were no survivors.  Dick Ryder leg lariat gets a two count, and the beating keeps on going.  But OH HO, Dreamer gets busy with some offense, hitting the tree of woe dropkick, which was apparently SO DRAMATIC Tommy tosses his shirt.  OH GOD I'M BLIND.  Whew, he had a tank top on under it.  Still, haven't seen something like that in forever.  Maybe he got sweaty?  Anyway, Zack turns things around, hits the Zack Attack, and that's it.  Tommy jobbing?  Surely you jest!
 
Winner:  Zack Ryder
 
What Stood Out:  For a likely last match...how anticlimactic.  Also, WHAT A FEUD between the two New Yorkers.  Two week feud - sounds like the sequel to half-minute hero.
 

DAMN that asian chick's voice is husky.  Sure she isn't a lesbian?  Excuse me for a second.  *Flushes* that's better.  Now it's time for the Abraham Washington show, and no joke, dude's getting chunky.  Also he's wearing a yellow shirt, making him look like some sort of mutant bumblebee.  After 3 minutes straight of Tiger Woods jokes (kill...me...) we're introduced to our guests - THOSE GUYS.  Abe asks about the new talent initiative, to which THOSE GUYS compare themselves to the likes of Miz and Morrison, yadda yadda, give me a reason to care please.  They then throw in video game references.  That's cool now, right?  If that's cool, then consider me Miles Davis.  THEY plan on becoming tag champs by this time next year - a LOFTY goal, to be sure.  They just have so much competition!  Atlas jumps in and notes that he's a former tag champ with Rocky Johnson, to which THOSE GUYS tell him to shut it because he's old.  Abe takes offense to his sidekick getting insulted, until he does it himself and ends this trainwreck.  THOSE GUYS stand on the ramp and nonsensically pose.  Stilllllllll not getting a reason to care about this team...
 

TO THE BACK where Swagger is having a chat with General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany, who rolls her eyes at the suggestion of her being glad Swagger is back.  GASP.  EMOTION.  SEX BOT DOES NOT COMPUTE.  Hurricane wooshes in to break things up, making fun of Swagger's lisp.  How original.  Just know who was all over that shit first.  Swagger bails from too much stupidity flooding the office.  GMGBT NEVER STOPS SMILING.  She's supposed to be a GM, not a Barker's Beauty.
 

Milking the tribute to the troops for all it's worth, we get a package of WE SWEAR TO GOD REAL MARINE John Cena giving his promo for the troops in the middle east.  It was heartfelt, touching, and classy.  So, it has no place here.  Moving on!
 

ECW Homecoming Qualifying Match #3:  Vance Archer Vs. Goldust
 
Vance Archer!  I loved that guy in Garden State!
 
There's a WHOLE lot of shiny outfits going on in that ring tonight, yeesh.  Archer decides on strikes for...oh pretty much all of the match.  Oh, and rest holds!  Let's not forget about the rest holds!  Goldust eventually battles back, but that shit's stopped in a hurry with a charge to the corner turnbuckle.  Needlessly complicated reverse DDT follows immediately after for the pin.  Goldust just experienced SEXUAL MAGIC.
 
Winner:  Vance Archer
 
What Stood Out:  I approve of forsaking any ring talent Archer may have in favor of making jokes nonstop about him.  Come on, I could recap his matches in ten words or less at this point.
 
Oh, and for some reason they cut to this random 5 second shot of Christian watching tv after the match.  You're a better person for knowing, trust me.
 

SMACKDOWN RECAP GO.  Good call between the two shows, if I do say so myself.  This one focuses on the Rey-Rey/Batista main event that frankly, wasn't so bad.  And any time Batista defends his crown as "king of the most retarded faces ever" is a good time in my book.  Though, I find it hilarious that Rey can kick out of the spear when guys like ten times his size get pinned by it.  Great Khali, REY IS TOUGHER THAN YOU.
 

Speaking of more recaps, we go back to reviewing Kozlov getting beat on by Regal and Jackson, leading to a match for Superstars (met with boos from the crowd - smart people down there).  After that, we cut TO THE BACK again, with Christian giving Yoshi some tips on Swagger when Jack cuts in to make dated Karate Kid references.  Christian calls him a dork, which (assumedly) Yoshi echoes in Japanese.  Swagger tells Christian that "you can tell him in any language that I'm steamrolling him tonight, and at the Royal Rumble...you're mine."  Actually, I thought that was a really good line.  So expect Swagger to be counting the ceiling lights by the end of the night.  Jack leaves, and Yoshi says in Engrish "What a jackass."  THAT'S NOT PG.  But it was funny.  What can I say, it was a weak moment.
 

Yet another hilariously awful trailer for The Marine 2:  The Other Marine.  I'll give Ted credit, at least his character doesn't have the same first name as his actual name.  I'm still convinced the main guy in The Marine was JOHN Triton because Cena couldn't comprehend being called anything but John without having an anyeursm.
 

ECW Homecoming Qualifying Match #4:  The All-American American Jack Swagger Vs. Yoshi Tatsu
 
Credit where it's due, Swagger had a pretty damn good match against John Cena last night.  He still LOST, but he didn't look like total shit like, say, a FUCKING FORMER WORLD CHAMPION a week earlier.
 
Amateur shenannigans start the match off, but Yoshi busts out the Karate to put a stop to that.  So Swagger settles for power moves and rest holds not even 3 minutes into the match.  How is it even physically possible to be blown up so fast and not be Mark Henry?  So after a few minutes of arm wrenches, Swagger tries for the Doctor Bomb, but Yoshi flips out and goes for the roundhouse of DOOM, which Swagger ducks and retreats to the corner.  INTENSE STARING ensues going into the last commercial break.
 
Back from the break, Swagger has wheelbarrow suplexed Tatsu into the Edo period, and is going to town with various other suplexery for a bunch of two counts.  Maybe you should lay off the push-ups during the match if you're always breathing so heavy, buddy.  You're certainly no Scott Steiner.  For one it doesn't look like your arms are going to literally explode at any moment.  More arm rest holds follow up, which makes perfect sense because you know how much Yoshi Tatsu uses PUNCHES in his offense.  Yoshi's all over Swagger now, hitting his top rope spinning heel kick for a VERY close two count.  Close calls abound from here, with Swagger hitting a nice LARIATO to the back of Yoshi's head after shooting in, followed by the turnbuckle charge/Oklahoma stampede combo.  Swagger chooses not to cover, going for the Vader Bomb (and HITTING it, what strange world is this), but Yoshi grabs the rope to survive.  While Swagger argues, Yoshi hits the DOOM KICK OUTTA NOWHERE to pick up the win.
 
Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu
 
What Stood Out:  Makes sense.  Build Swagger all show long only to have him job to a kick.  I can accept it somewhat, but MAN Swagger is such a joke now.
 
After the bell, Swagger's still out cold as Yoshi celebrates up the ramp.  Yatta, arigato, namaste, whatever.  JUST KEEP IT ASIAN DAMN IT.  THE END.
 
Uppers:  Main event was good times.  Who knew something as simple as building a guy up all show would make things compelling?  And sort of legitimately surprising when Mr. underdog scores the upset.  And not in a bad way, either.  Sucks to be Swagger, but it certainly makes Yoshi look fucking awesome, so well done.
 
Downers:  Abraham Washington continues his rash of horrible segments (they're not all soul-crushingly bad, but I don't think I've seen a good one yet).  Other than that, nothing I'd really call BAD.  Lots of meh though with the non-main event matches, however.  Sorry, I likes me some long matches, or at least ones that don't solely consist of guys throwing punches back and forth.
 
Overall.  STILL A BATTER SHOW THAN RAW LAST NIGHT.  Not that that's actually saying much.  I'm convinced that ECW is where the radical ideas go.  Such CRAZY ideas like long builds, wrestling-centric programming, and a generally coherent plot throughout the show.  INSANITY.
 
And that's another week in the bag.  Looks like I don't have to die today.  Instead I get to live long enough to see my savings milked dry in the name of presents!  Hooray!  Happy holidays!
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).