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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(12/15/09)
 
Welcome back to the ECW report.  I can say with a fair amount of confidence that tonight's show will be better than Raw last night.  Holy shit that was abysmal.  Well no use living in the past (but you just KNOW we'll get a recap of that crap anyway), so let's get to it!
 
Still standing here in hubbawha?  And we start off with General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany in the ring...sans whore music sadly.  After spewing lines I could care less about, she brings out the ladder match competitors from last night.  Shelton limps to the ring, which I find funny considering when he was a DX member last night he seemed juuuuuuuust fine.  The power of DX heals all!  Same thing with Christian, made doubly ridiculous by him moving pretty much normally during his micromatch on Raw.  I don't know about you, but I LOVE it when my injuries recognize it's Monday and magically heal for one night only.  Anyway, the two shake hands, GMGBT praises the match, and the crowd cheers, just a little bit.  The proceedings turn into an Oscar speech soon enough, with lots of praise and thanks being slung around, but then Shelton has to go and ask for a rematch.  Regal and his roundtable interrupt with the quickness, and apparently Regal has turned into Rickles.  Don Rickles, that is, because he decides to go all insult comic on GMGBT, saying her voice sounds like a goose playing a kazoo.  GMGBT, not computing that she's being insulted, just stands there and smiles.  WHAT A DESERVING GM.  Regal flips his shit on everyone for letting Kane on the show, to which GMGBT, not showing any anger or emotion whatsoever, slaps together a tournament to have a new challenger for Christian to curtain jerk at the Royal Rumble.  Apparently former champs can be in the tourney or something.  Anyway the first two matches of the tournament are Zack Ryder/Kane, and Kozlov/Jackson.  DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN.  Going to get hosstacular up in here tonight!  Kozlov looks concerned, while Jackson looks excited.  I think we know who's the catcher tonight.
 
The Hurricane Vs. The Ripper w/ The Beautiful Nightmare
 
Oof, Hurricane gets the jobber entrance for once.  Also apparently Lauren Mayhew is no more (Chewie, tear Vince's arms off!) which is kind of sad.  Until I remember that oh yeah, there's that asian chick who's supposedly a decent-ish wrestler but we'll never know because she's the new ring announcer.  Finally, Ms. Nightmare is quite renaissance-licious with her outfit, and I don't mind one bit.  They even got new music and a new 'tron, so don't let that dictate how this match ends at all, no sir.  WWE's just getting very generous in how they present their un-signed talent.
 
Match starts off, and it's quite a yawn-fest.  Hurricane gets the upper hand with a nice 'rana that only scores a two count.  Burchill counters a roundhouse into a backbreaker for two.  More stuff happens, but Hurricane manages to rip off the Ripper's mask, revealing *GASP* Paul Burchill.  Distracted, Paul gets Shining Wizard'ed for the loss.  And The Burchills are gone.  Again.
 
Winner:  The Hurricane
 
What Stood Out:  WHY would you create new music and a titantron for a guy who's not even signed, and is gone in one match? RE. TARD. ED.
 

RAW RECAP TIME.  And boy do they edit the crap out of it.  Why, looking at this I'd almost think this show was good!  Haha, I know better.  Piped in laughs for Dennis Miller, CONVENIENTLY leaving out HHH admitting his WM 25 match sucked ass, no Batista with the popped collar interrupting Maria, you name it, it's not here.  Instead they focus on mainly the winners only, Jericho getting screwed and kicked off Raw, and Supercena rising to the top once again.  WWE:  Yesterday's PPV matches at tomorrow's prices!  One of these days this hamster wheel of bullshit is going to bite them in the ass so hard, and when that happens, I will laugh.  Laugh a hearty laugh.  Then they'll go out of business, and I will laugh some more.  And on that day, I will be free.  I will cheer accordingly.
 

TO THE BACK with the Burchills doing the walk of shame when Helms comes up to interview them.  Burchill just responds with screaming as loudly as he can and storming off.  I have to say, Helms came off as quite the dick here.  What a hero.
 
TO THE FRONT, and now it's time for the Abraham Washington show.  Just keeps getting better and better.  Abe, after cracking jokes about the town and how he got robbed last night of a Slammy, he brings out Maria for the COMPELLING interview.  Things go from interesting (recapping Batista's interruption) to downright painful when apparently Maria goes into full on bitch mode teasing Abe about not winning last night.  I imagine it was supposed to be in a joking tone, but DAMN she sounded like a bitch.  Like, I wouldn't have been surprised if Abe went Ike Turner on that woman.  Atlas joins in on goofing on Abe, so Abraham just ends the show.  Well that was pointless.  Again, I must stress...Maria.  What a bitch.  Isn't she supposed to be a face?
 
ECW Homecoming Qualifying Match #1:  Vladimir Kozlov Vs. Ezekiel Jackson
 
Holy hell that asian chick has a husky voice.  Oh and apparently Ezekiel has relocated from Harlem to South America.  So, technically he's still African-American, just not in the way you'd think.
 
Match starts off with LOUDDDDDDD NOISES!  And Ezekiel does scoop slams over and over.  Zeke tries to show off in front of Regal which earns headbutts a plenty to total silence.  Kozlov has the upperhand when he tries to run the ropes, and...DUN DUN DUN, Regal trips Kozlov up on purpose.  Jackson follows up with the negronage for the win.
 
Winner:  Ezekiel Jackson
 
What Stood Out:  MERCIFULLY short.  Also, STORY DEVELOPMENT.
 
After the bell, Regal goes to get his jacket, but MAD RUSSKIE APPEARS.  Jackson saves the day by clubbing Kozlov from behind, and Regal joins in on tossing Vlad into the announce table.  So I would guess Vladimir isn't getting invited to the Christmas party.
 
TO THE BACK again, where THOSE GUYS are playing as themselves against DX in Smackdown Vs. Raw 2010.  THEY handily beat DX, making it the one and only time THEY'RE beating Shawn Michaels and HHH in the ring.  Shame it wasn't in reality.  THEY celebrate and head on to the ring.
 

THOSE GUYS Vs. Jobbers
 
Hey, would you look at that - THOSE GUYS got new music.  And it's not gay!  Good for them.
 
Jobber #1 gets the upper hand for a bit, but THE ONE GUY clips the back of the knee when THAT OTHER GUY provides the distraction.  More stuff happens, and Jobber #2 does nothing but get punched off the apron.  Apparently THEY decided on a new finisher too, as Jobber #1 falls victim to a neckbreaker/power bomb combo, that admittedly looks pretty sweet too.  I christen thee...THAT MOVE #2.
 
Winner:  THOSE GUYS
 
What Stood Out:  So is their gimmick to have a complete overhaul every couple of weeks?
 
After they're announced as the winners, THE ONE GUY grabs the microphone to announce them as the tag team of the year 2010.  Eh, stranger things have happened.
 

TO THE BACK ONCE AGAIN GOD MAKE IT STOP where Kane runs into Yoshi Tatsu and Goldust talking about Raw last night.  Yoshi says some japanesey stuff, Kane doesn't understand, so he asks Goldust for a translation.  Goldust tourette's out.  Kane says "and they say I'm the freak."  I'm sure someone laughed, somewhere.  Just not me.
 

ECW Homecoming Qualifying Match #2:  Kane Vs. Zack Ryder
 
Considering it's past 11 and this match hasn't even STARTED yet, I get the funny feeling this one isn't going to be a 30 minute wrestling clinic...
 
Zack tries to speed around Kane, but he's having none of it.  Zack retreats to the rope after a quickie chokeslam attempt, and Kane goes for a big boot but gets hung up on the top rope.  This turns into Zack attacking the leg repeatedly for a few minutes, and manages to look convincing taking down the big guy.  After a few close counts, Zack tries going for his leg lariat, but Kane shrugs him over so that he can turn around into a chokeslam for the victory.
 
Winner:  Kane
 
What Stood Out:  Eh, for the time given (that is, not much at all), it was at least somewhat convincing that Kane could've lost.  But yeah, doesn't exactly take a genius to figure out how this one was ending.
 
After the bell, Zack gets some consolation with Rosa, Kane does his flames thing, and we're done here.  THE END.
 
Uppers:  Well, you certainly can't say this show was lacking in content...
 
Downers:  If there's something you were supposed to take from last night's show, it's NOT THE 2 MINUTE MATCHES.
 
Overall:  Still a better show than Raw last night.  Also, the tournament opens up some nice possibilities, as it gives guys on the other brands something to do, and something fresh.  HOLY SHIT SOMETHING NEW-ISH IN WWE. 
 
And that'll do it for this week.  Quick and filthy, like my love making.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).