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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(12/08/09)
 
Welcome back to the ECW report.  I'm fairly certain that the wrestling gods (Not JBL) were none too pleased with my shitfest from last week, as I've been laid out sick since then until now.  At this point I'm just coughing up green goodness every 30 seconds - yummy.  No big deal though, I soldier on to um, entertain you?
 
So, seeing how we got some time before the show starts, let's talk Raw for a bit.  Namely, Sheamus/John Cena, only because it brings me humor to no end.  I don't think I've seen a title match more unbelievable since the glory days of Brock Lesnar being scared shitless by BOB HOLLY.  Oh man, the December/January timeframe brings such wonderous pairings to tide us over until Wrestlemania.  Why it was only a matter of years ago when HHH was freshly shoveling some dirt onto the career of babyface Randy Orton.  Truly, it's a special time of the year.  Don't get me wrong though.  I'm not saying Sheamus doesn't have what it takes to be a main eventer.  It's just that they basically went "hey you, pale dude.  Go fight Cena at the PPV." and that was it.  Hell, they didn't even give a real concerted effort on building the guy until last night, a week until the PPV.  And what do they do?  ALL SHEAMUS, ALL THE TIME.  I'm lucky my tv's bulb didn't burn out from all that whiteness on my screen.  I just felt it was a WEEEEEEEE bit too fast, so they're pretty much in a corner at this point.  NO ONE would buy that guy as champ right now, so if they're crazy enough to put the belt on them, it's going to be the ultimate swerve.  And we all know what happened to the last company that an ultimate swerve...
 

Still standing here!  Somewhere!  Houston to be exact! Josh Matthews starts us off in the ring with a ladder set up with the ECW title suspended above the ring.  He hypes the "no one really cares about this" match at TLC when Kozlov storms the ring.  The jilted lover calls Ezekiel a coward and calls him out.  Short and to the point.  For no reason a USA chant starts up.  Yay xenophobia!  Zeke rushes out but before they come to blows Regal tries to break things up.  He then hilariously gets on his knees begging for unity.  Apparently racial tension makes Regal love the cock.  Shelton then comes out to cut a career worst promo (and that's saying something) to get the ladies in red to fight.  He puts the wrong emPHASIS on WORDs AT Random, making me think he's completely retarded.  So I laughed, but not in a good way.  When Regal advises Shelton to scatter before the multiculture pals team up on him, out comes Christian and Yoshi Tatsu.  Christian doesn't want Shelton injured before the PPV, apparently.  Good for him.  Shelton advises the heels to MAN UP and face them all.  Regal fires back saying he doesn't have the authority but UH OH I'm INSATIABLEEEEEEEE I CAN'T GET ENOUGH.  Superobowhore General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany comes out to "size up" all the talent (I'm not exaggerating either, she casted a glance straight at Shelton's junk) and then completely ruin everything by robotically saying "No, but I have the authority."  FUCKING LEARN SOME EMOTIONAL INFLECTION.  SMARK RAAAAAAAAGE.  Anyway she leaves it up to the guys in the ring to decide whether they want to fight the faces in a 6 man tag tonight, or have Jackson fight Kozlov.  Regal and Kozlov say 6 man, so we get that.  Clusterfuck ahoy!  I must note that Yoshi Tatsu did NOTHING this whole segment - he just stood there looking asian.  Earn that paycheck buddy!
 

Vance Archer Vs. Tommy Dreamer
 
Well, at least MR. INTENSITY moved up to actual talent...
 
So, story of this match is that Vance:
 
- Demonstrates value by having cool music coming out
- Engages Dreamer physically for about 5 or so minutes with tons of generic hossiness
- Nurtures dependence from Dreamer by letting Tommy make a comeback with some punches and a clothesline off the turnbuckle
- Neglects the crowd emotionally by being bland as plain oatmeal
- Inspires hope by taking a frog splash from Dreamer for a close two count
- Separates from the ring entirely, after pinning Dreamer with the needlessly complicated reverse DDT
 
Winner:  Vance Archer
 
What Stood Out:  Well, the bright side of this douchebag is that he's basically forcing me to be creative again.  Thanks tramp-stamp!
 
After a quick recap of the Hurricane being decimated on Superstars by...the unholy union of Shockmaster and Cthulu I guess, TO THE BACK now where GMGBT is boni...talking with "The Ripper" and "The Masked Nightmare" (obviously the Burchills, in case you're a moron) about their actions last week.  Helms comes in to chat, and GMGBT strikes a deal.  The Ripper doesn't have an ECW contract yet, but he can get one by beating the Hurricane next week.  INTENSE STARING.  And we move on.
 
ALSO IN THE BACK where Ryder and Mendez are being as obnoxious as possible when Dreamer interrupts for some reason.  Ryder then does a pretty good promo on how he used to idolize Dreamer (hey, guidos aren't the smartest bunch), but now wants to end his career.  Good stuff.
 
THOSE GUYS Vs. Jobber team
 
OK, they're Baretta and Croft, I know that.  But, know what?  Screw it.  They're now known as THOSE GUYS to me.
 
So yeah, SQUASH CITY like last week, with the only remotely interesting thing being the finish.  One, because that finisher is still cool looking.  Two, the match ended.
 
Winners:  THOSE GUYS
 
What Stood Out:  One day, all of ECW with be guys like that.  I am NOT looking forward to that day.
 

RAW RECAP TIME, focusing on Kofi/Orton.  Goot stuff, yah.  Also there's some stuff about the MAIN EVENT press conference too, which a funny observation occurs.  Cena mentions that all sorts of stuff doesn't slow him down one bit then...gets 2 kicks to the side of the head and he's not moving at all.  Way to practice what you preach, dick.  After this, we get a quick run-down of the PPV matches (looks OK, not enough to get my money though) and to the main event...
 
Christian, Shelton Benjamin, and Yoshi Tatsu Vs. William Regal,
 
They really streeeeeeeech out the intros by going to commercial after Christian comes out, and when they come back, they cut to a video package before anyone else gets in the ring.  Keep in mind, it's an AWESOME package.  Christian and Shelton rock in ladder matches, here's proof.  SIMPLE.  Also, the motivation for the match?  "I want to have a match on the PPV that'll get people talking."  SIMPLE.  It'll be a decent match I'm sure, but it could be an eternal classic and NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE BECAUSE IT'S ECW.  That's just how it works.  After Yoshi Tatsu gets the jobber entrance (NINJA MAGIC), and the roundtable comes out in unison to pick up the pace a bit, the match can finally start!
 
First, may I start by saying OH MY GOD the veins on Ezekiel are ridiculous.  Not as numerous as say, Batista, but they're just like HUGE and poking out there.  How do women find that hot?  Seriously.  Jackson wails on the champ for a bit, but Christian gets the upper hand on him and Regal.  Yoshi and Kozlov follow up soon after, with the Japanese man kicking the communism right out of the big Russkie.  Come on guys!  Like 30 years ago you two would've been such great friends!  Shelton comes in and gets powered into the hell corner, but Shelton's just got too much blackness to handle, and beats up on all three guys.  So the story going into the break is - good guys rule, bad guys suck.  Got it?  Good.
 
Back from the last break, we have the bad guys saying NO, IT IS SHELTON BENJAMIN WHO SUCKS ALL THE DICKS as they take turns beating on Benjamin.  Mostly they do punches and restholds, but Zeke just NAILS Shelton with a clothesline in the corner that I'm sorry, it was so awesome.  "Tone it down" might not apply to Jackson, but I don't mind one bit.  His opponents might when they're icing down the various injuries sustained by his potato bonanza, but it's quite entertaining to me, so who cares?  So yeah, more and more rest holds.  Shelton does manage to tag Christian but Jackson distracts the ref, so no dice.  That spot is by FAR the ultimate hot tag cocktease. Shelton finally breaks out with a knee to Regal, leading to the FINALLY hot tag to Yoshi Tatsu.  Apparently, Ezekiel is immune to hot tags, as he turns Yoshi inside out with a clothesline of DEATH.  However, when he goes to tag Kozlov, UH OH HE BAILS.  TROUBLE IN PARADISE 2.  ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.  Ezekiel doesn't play that shit, however, and chases Kozlov down with ANOTHER clothesline from behind.  Regal runs up to try and hold Jackson back, leading to all the heels getting counted out in the process.
 
Winner:  Christian, Shelton Benjamin, and Yoshi Tatsu
 
What Stood Out:  Once again, "strong style" Zeke is awesomeness.  Other than that...got nothing.
 
After the Bell, as the heels continue to squabble, Benjamin hits a springboard senton to the outside on those guys in a spot that got some considerable cheers.  Not to be outdone, Christian...sets up a ladder and climbs up to the title which is still hanging above the ring.  Yeah sure, I do that for no reason all the time.  Anyway, because of this climbing, Shelton is COMPELLED to climb himself, but he decides on doing it by AWESOMELY springboarding from the apron to the ropes and leaping onto the ladder.  In the process, he almost bends the ladder in half, completely ruining the whole spot.  Maybe uhhh, don't skimp on equipment when the guys are 20 feet above the ring?  Just a thought.  Remember, you skimped on an apparatus before in 1999.  So both guys are on top of the ladder now play fighting over the belt.  Aww, isn't it cute.  Tension builds for their match Sunday, which, I must re-state, no one's going to care about.  E-C-DUB!  E-C-DUB!  THE END.
 

Uppers:  Well, unlike a certain wrestling show that was on last night, ECW built their main/only event at the PPV rather well.  Sometimes, keeping it simple is the best way to go.  The difference between this match and the others is that it's not a feud, it's a respeck match.  They present it as such, no bad blood, and that makes it stand out in my eyes, in a good way.  As far as specifically tonight goes, it was focused enough with what's going on between Regal's life partners and the match Sunday.  So, things are able to come together nicely.  GASP!  They can do more than one plot at the same time!  Wonders never cease.  Also, the main event was entertaining enough, with a couple of fantastic Shelton spots after the bell.
 
Downers:  As far as everything else goes?   EHHHHHH nah.  Vance Archer is still bland as hell, THOSE GUYS still have a cool finisher but not much else, and their matches weren't really all that entertaining to me.
 
Overall:  Tonight's what you'd call a plot-building show.  Not so much a wrestling show.  The good thing about ECW is that they're under the radar.  OK, maybe not a GOOD thing because they'll probably get cancelled because of shit ratings.  HOWEVER, by being under the radar, they have flexibility on what they aim their show for.  They can go for the Raw side and do more plot/promos/etc., or they can side with SmackDown and focus on wrestling.  They went Raw tonight.  However, I enjoyed myself, so THUMBS UP.
 
And that'll do it.  *cough* Ooh baby, I was saving that one the whole report.  Time to go spit it down my sink.  Later.
 
SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).