Still standing here!
Somewhere! Houston to be exact! Josh Matthews
starts us off in the ring with a ladder set up with
the ECW title suspended above the ring. He
hypes the "no one really cares about this" match at
TLC when Kozlov storms the ring. The jilted
lover calls Ezekiel a coward and calls him out.
Short and to the point. For no reason a USA
chant starts up. Yay xenophobia! Zeke
rushes out but before they come to blows Regal tries
to break things up. He then hilariously gets
on his knees begging for unity. Apparently
racial tension makes Regal love the cock.
Shelton then comes out to cut a career worst promo
(and that's saying something) to get the ladies in
red to fight. He puts the wrong emPHASIS on
WORDs AT Random, making me think he's completely
retarded. So I laughed, but not in a good way.
When Regal advises Shelton to scatter before the
multiculture pals team up on him, out comes
Christian and Yoshi Tatsu. Christian doesn't
want Shelton injured before the PPV, apparently.
Good for him. Shelton advises the heels to MAN
UP and face them all. Regal fires back saying
he doesn't have the authority but UH OH I'm
INSATIABLEEEEEEEE I CAN'T GET ENOUGH.
Superobowhore General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany
comes out to "size up" all the talent (I'm not
exaggerating either, she casted a glance straight at
Shelton's junk) and then completely ruin everything
by robotically saying "No, but I have the
authority." FUCKING LEARN SOME EMOTIONAL
INFLECTION. SMARK RAAAAAAAAGE. Anyway
she leaves it up to the guys in the ring to decide
whether they want to fight the faces in a 6 man tag
tonight, or have Jackson fight Kozlov. Regal
and Kozlov say 6 man, so we get that.
Clusterfuck ahoy! I must note that Yoshi Tatsu
did NOTHING this whole segment - he just stood there
looking asian. Earn that paycheck buddy!
Vance Archer Vs. Tommy Dreamer
Well, at least MR. INTENSITY
moved up to actual talent...
So, story of this match is that
- Demonstrates value by having
cool music coming out
- Engages Dreamer
physically for about 5 or so minutes with tons of
- Nurtures dependence from
Dreamer by letting Tommy make a comeback with some
punches and a clothesline off the turnbuckle
Neglects the crowd emotionally by being bland as
- Inspires hope by taking a frog
splash from Dreamer for a close two count
Separates from the ring entirely, after pinning
Dreamer with the needlessly complicated reverse DDT
Winner: Vance Archer
What Stood Out: Well, the
bright side of this douchebag is that he's basically
forcing me to be creative again. Thanks
After a quick recap of the
Hurricane being decimated on Superstars by...the
unholy union of Shockmaster and Cthulu I guess, TO
THE BACK now where GMGBT is boni...talking with "The
Ripper" and "The Masked Nightmare" (obviously the
Burchills, in case you're a moron) about their
actions last week. Helms comes in to chat, and
GMGBT strikes a deal. The Ripper doesn't have
an ECW contract yet, but he can get one by beating
the Hurricane next week. INTENSE STARING.
And we move on.
ALSO IN THE BACK where Ryder
and Mendez are being as obnoxious as possible when
Dreamer interrupts for some reason. Ryder then
does a pretty good promo on how he used to idolize
Dreamer (hey, guidos aren't the smartest bunch), but
now wants to end his career. Good stuff.
GUYS Vs. Jobber team
OK, they're Baretta and Croft,
I know that. But, know what? Screw it.
They're now known as THOSE GUYS to me.
So yeah, SQUASH CITY like last
week, with the only remotely interesting thing being
the finish. One, because that finisher is
still cool looking. Two, the match ended.
Winners: THOSE GUYS
What Stood Out: One day,
all of ECW with be guys like that. I am NOT
looking forward to that day.
RAW RECAP TIME, focusing on
Kofi/Orton. Goot stuff, yah. Also
there's some stuff about the MAIN EVENT press
conference too, which a funny observation occurs.
Cena mentions that all sorts of stuff doesn't slow
him down one bit then...gets 2 kicks to the side of
the head and he's not moving at all. Way to
practice what you preach, dick. After this, we
get a quick run-down of the PPV matches (looks OK,
not enough to get my money though) and to the main
Christian, Shelton Benjamin, and Yoshi Tatsu Vs.
They really streeeeeeeech out
the intros by going to commercial after Christian
comes out, and when they come back, they cut to a
video package before anyone else gets in the ring.
Keep in mind, it's an AWESOME package.
Christian and Shelton rock in ladder matches, here's
proof. SIMPLE. Also, the motivation for
the match? "I want to have a match on the PPV
that'll get people talking." SIMPLE.
It'll be a decent match I'm sure, but it could be an
eternal classic and NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE BECAUSE
IT'S ECW. That's just how it works.
After Yoshi Tatsu gets the jobber entrance (NINJA
MAGIC), and the roundtable comes out in unison to
pick up the pace a bit, the match can finally start!
First, may I start by saying OH
MY GOD the veins on Ezekiel are ridiculous.
Not as numerous as say, Batista, but they're just
like HUGE and poking out there. How do women
find that hot? Seriously. Jackson wails
on the champ for a bit, but Christian gets the upper
hand on him and Regal. Yoshi and Kozlov follow
up soon after, with the Japanese man kicking the
communism right out of the big Russkie. Come
on guys! Like 30 years ago you two would've
been such great friends! Shelton comes in and
gets powered into the hell corner, but Shelton's
just got too much blackness to handle, and beats up
on all three guys. So the story going into the
break is - good guys rule, bad guys suck. Got
Back from the last break, we
have the bad guys saying NO, IT IS SHELTON BENJAMIN
WHO SUCKS ALL THE DICKS as they take turns beating
on Benjamin. Mostly they do punches and
restholds, but Zeke just NAILS Shelton with a
clothesline in the corner that I'm sorry, it was so
awesome. "Tone it down" might not apply to
Jackson, but I don't mind one bit. His
opponents might when they're icing down the various
injuries sustained by his potato bonanza, but it's
quite entertaining to me, so who cares? So
yeah, more and more rest holds. Shelton does
manage to tag Christian but Jackson distracts the
ref, so no dice. That spot is by FAR the
ultimate hot tag cocktease. Shelton finally breaks
out with a knee to Regal, leading to the FINALLY hot
tag to Yoshi Tatsu. Apparently, Ezekiel is
immune to hot tags, as he turns Yoshi inside out
with a clothesline of DEATH. However, when he
goes to tag Kozlov, UH OH HE BAILS. TROUBLE IN
PARADISE 2. ELECTRIC BOOGALOO. Ezekiel
doesn't play that shit, however, and chases Kozlov
down with ANOTHER clothesline from behind.
Regal runs up to try and hold Jackson back, leading
to all the heels getting counted out in the process.
Shelton Benjamin, and Yoshi Tatsu
What Stood Out: Once
again, "strong style" Zeke is awesomeness.
Other than that...got nothing.
After the Bell, as the heels
continue to squabble, Benjamin hits a springboard
senton to the outside on those guys in a spot that
got some considerable cheers. Not to be
outdone, Christian...sets up a ladder and climbs up
to the title which is still hanging above the ring.
Yeah sure, I do that for no reason all the time.
Anyway, because of this climbing, Shelton is
COMPELLED to climb himself, but he decides on doing
it by AWESOMELY springboarding from the apron to the
ropes and leaping onto the ladder. In the
process, he almost bends the ladder in half,
completely ruining the whole spot. Maybe uhhh,
don't skimp on equipment when the guys are 20 feet
above the ring? Just a thought.
Remember, you skimped on an apparatus before in
1999. So both guys are on top of the ladder
now play fighting over the belt. Aww, isn't it
cute. Tension builds for their match Sunday,
which, I must re-state, no one's going to care
about. E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB! THE END.
Uppers: Well, unlike a certain
wrestling show that was on last night, ECW built
their main/only event at the PPV rather well.
Sometimes, keeping it simple is the best way to go.
The difference between this match and the others is
that it's not a feud, it's a respeck match.
They present it as such, no bad blood, and that
makes it stand out in my eyes, in a good way.
As far as specifically tonight goes, it was focused
enough with what's going on between Regal's life
partners and the match Sunday. So, things are
able to come together nicely. GASP! They
can do more than one plot at the same time!
Wonders never cease. Also, the main event was
entertaining enough, with a couple of fantastic
Shelton spots after the bell.
Downers: As far as everything else
goes? EHHHHHH nah. Vance Archer is
still bland as hell, THOSE GUYS still have a cool
finisher but not much else, and their matches
weren't really all that entertaining to me.
Overall: Tonight's what you'd call a
plot-building show. Not so much a wrestling
show. The good thing about ECW is that they're
under the radar. OK, maybe not a GOOD thing
because they'll probably get cancelled because of
shit ratings. HOWEVER, by being under the
radar, they have flexibility on what they aim their
show for. They can go for the Raw side and do
more plot/promos/etc., or they can side with
SmackDown and focus on wrestling. They went
Raw tonight. However, I enjoyed myself, so
And that'll do it.
*cough* Ooh baby, I was saving that one the whole
report. Time to go spit it down my sink.