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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
God damn work making me late to this.  As a result, I'm going to be playing catch up all night.  So, yeah, quick and dirty version tonight. 
And to start a shitty night off worse, I tune right in the middle of the Abraham Washington Show!  Abe is busy ragging on Virginians, leading to a decent amount of Boos.  Soon after, Washington brings out Zack Ryder and Rosa Mendes, to ...cheers?  Did I miss something last week?  Zack responds to being questioned about Rosa by, uh, reading a poem to her.  Ah, there's them boos.  He even quotes the Kix motto!  That's it, fan for life.  Not really.  Rosa does a poem of her own too, leading to Zack doing his best Tom Cruise couch jumping situation.  Painful.  Something tells me I didn't miss much, because I already lost the will to live.
William Regal w/ Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov Vs. Goldust
Pretty basic stuff here.  Goldust gets the upper hand, ladies in red distract, Regal takes over.  Shattered dreams gets teased, but damn it this is PG WWE!  So no running kick to the balls for Regal.  However, when it gets taken to the outside, UH OH, PARTNERS DO NOT GET ALONG.  Jackson and Kozlov cause Regal to get rolled up like a bitch for the loss.  Well, have to say, I did NOT see that coming.
Winner:  Goldust
What Stood Out:  YAWN.  But apparently I missed the part where Kozlov and Jackson were squabbling?  Sheesh, they're making it sound like last week's ECW was important or something.
TO THE BACK now, where the Burchills are begging for their jobs, but General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany is having none of it.  Unless....*cue porno sax* nope, unfortunately real life is not like Naughty Office.  Just then as they're leaving, TWO WILD FCW CLONES APPEAR!  They make me a fan by referencing Pirate Paul, but then immediately reveal their total tween douchebag personas and wipe that right the fuck out.  So yeah, they didn't actually bother to GIVE THEIR NAMES, so the nameless twins go and have a match.
Major Brothers V.2 Vs. Two jobbers that look about as credible as the guys debuting
So yeah, TAG TEAM!  IN ECW!  They'll totally go places.  Pretty bland squash until they bust out their finish, which I must admit was pretty sweet.  Basically it was a Hart Attack except it was a HARD running leaping knee to the face instead of a clothesline.  I approve.
Winner:  Still don't know their name...but those guys!
What Stood Out:  Their finisher, and the desperate trying by the announcers to put them over.
Smackdown recap focuses on Batista wailing on Undertaker with a chair.  Compelling stuff.  Just let it be known that 2009 was the year WWE beat every single gimmick they have into the dirt.  However it's draining to complain, so here's hoping these matches aren't as awful as they sound.  Moving on, Shelton's doing what he does best IN THE BACK.  Getting pushes cancelled?  No silly, playing Smackdown Vs. Raw!  He's beating a computer controlled Christian handily in a ladder match as the actual Christian walks in the room.  Again, missed last week, so I just found out that Christian's facing NOT REGAL at the PPV!  I can actually at least buy Shelton as a viable contender, unlike Regal.  Seriously, Eddie Guerrero's recalling his feud with Rey Mysterio and saying "damn, that feud is one-sided."  Then he's clawing his way out of his casket to feed on the flesh of the living.  Oh man, Zombie Eddie Guerrero would rule.  It'd be all like "hey come outside I won't eat you" then you'd trust him and step outside and he'd say "I LIEEEEED, ESSE~!" *CHOMP*  OK, went a little retarded there, I apologize.  You want serious commentary here at TWF, obviously.  So yeah, Christian peps up Shelton for the tag match tonight, and turns the game off.  It was good, but I like my story more.
Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson w/ William Regal Vs. Shelton Benjamin and Christian
Oh dear, where to start.  They gave this one decent amounts of time, but like, how is this any different than before?  Because there's a black dude (Shelton) instead of an Asian dude (Yoshi) on the good guy side?  Eh, good enough for me I guess.  However, the plot's pretty much the same.  Like every.  SINGLE.  MATCH.  Yay variety!  So the faces get the upper hand early, then they don't.  The champ gets hossed on for about 10 minutes straight, then manages to escape with that Canadian trickery they're all known for.  Hot tag to Shelton lets him clean house, and Kozlov is not amused so he ANGRILY tags Ezekiel to try and turn things around, but it doesn't happen.  What DOES happen instead is Ezekiel being a saaaaaaaaaaaad panda, and he walks off when Kozlov wants a tag.  So, Kozlov gets stinger splashed against the ropes and Paydirt'd for the loss.  For what it's worth, it was still compelling.
Winner:  Christian and Shelton Benjamin
What Stood Out:  I'm interested to see how this turns out with Ezekiel being all pissy.  Now I know I shouldn't, since the last time they teased a turn wth Zeke he just decided to go back to being a dick, so I'm a little more careful this time around.  I won't have my heart broken again!
Christian and Shelton celebrate while chatting about their match at the PPV as the heels stay in the ring feeling foolish.  Good for me summing up a quarter of the show in about 30 seconds worth of reading.  Like I said, quick and dirty.  THE END.
Uppers:  Me, winging it.  Actually having little clue on what's going on kind of made things a little more interesting.  Also that tag team finisher was pretty cool.  Thought I'd reiterate that.
Downers:  As far as the matches go, meh.  Couldn't really hold my attention.  Also, that Ryder/Mendez pairing took a turn south tonight.  You know the phrase "so bad it's good?"  Yeah, that poetry was more like so bad that it loops around past good and goes all the way back to being bad.
Overall:  I can barely remember anything about the show so...yeah.  Probably not a good sign.
OK, that (very poorly) does it for this week.  But what of last week, you say?  Yes, how dare I miss a week ever!  Since I don't leave any week unfucked, here's my recap of last week's ECW:
ECW REPORT 11-24-09
Things happened.
Sounds good to me.  Have a good night, you've been great!

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).