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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(11/17/09)
 
Welcome back.  Oh goodness, you are in for a very special episode of the ECW report tonight.  See, I viewed tonight's episode from a slightly different setting, other than at my house in my boxers.  You can thank me for that mental image later.  Nope, tonight WWE came to my neck of the woods, so I just felt COMPELLED to grab me a seat at the Wachovia Center.  As such, I'm going on totally crappy notes to jot this report down, so expect it to be rather bite-sized in nature.
 
Before we get into it though, I feel the need to talk about Raw last night.  Wow.  That's all I can say about it.  Not good, not bad, just wow.  OK, now that you mention it, I CAN say more.  Three things manage to stand out to me the most about last night.  First off, WHAT WAS WITH THE CONSTANT NEW YORK BLOWJOB!?  I get that Madison Square Garden is some super special arena and all that, but DAMN they laid it on thick last night.  Hilariously enough, WWE forgot to take into account that not every New Yorker is a fan of the Yankees.  I did notice some boos for them when Miz was name dropping them as the new World Series champs.  In that vein, when Santino went through his schtick of taking off the various New York jerseys...seems like they didn't have much love for any of the other sports teams either.  Of course, when he got to the Phillies, that got NUCLEAR heat from the crowd.  That wasn't too shocking, because while New Yorkers can disagree on the team they like, they can always agree on hating Philadelphia.  Right back at ya, fuckers.  Secondly, Roddy Piper's in-ring promo.  What was he on, and where can I get some?  That whole segment was train-wreck TV at it's finest, and I just could NOT look away.  I happened to notice he was looking at his palm a whole lot, leading me to believe he wrote an outline of his promo on his hand.  Add in a little trip to shootsville and I was very morbidly entertained by this.  Finally, the main event.  Basically this was a culmination of some of the shittiest time management ever, because the match didn't even start until 11:05!  As a result, we got a match where it looked like all the competitors were jacked on speed.  After drinking a red bull.  Total lack of rest holds, and just BLAZING through spot after spot.  Made for a hell of an entertaining match, but I imagine those guys were about ready to keel over as soon as they hit the back.  But yeah, I would imagine whoever was in charge of timing on that show last night probably had a meeting with Vince today.  Hopefully Vince whipped out his tommy gun and emptied a clip on him, if that suit was any indication.  OK, time for our feature presentation!
 

THE WRESTLING FAN INVADES WWE:  ECW IN PHILADELPHIA EDITION
 
(Note:  This report's going straight off my notes, so this is going to be a little less organized than usual.  Also, no what stood outs, uppers/downers/overalls, etc.)
 
- Got out of work late, mainly because I was late to work.  Funny how that works out.  Have to love the good ol' Philadelphia traffic.  Apparently I was behind nothing but people with an extreme phobia for speed, because I was CONSTANTLY 30 MPH under the speed limit on an interstate highway.  And I looked, there wasn't any traffic.  OH NO, GENTLE CURVES - MY ONLY WEAKNESS!  BETTER SLAM ON THE BRAKES FOR NO REASON!  So, my day was off to a rip-roaring start.
 
- Went directly from work to the arena.  Yes, I'm going to wave my loser flag high and proud tonight, as I did go alone.  Wrestling's unpopular now?  Surely you jest!  Luckily I got some shitty seat to go along with my loserdom.  Damn you procrastination, why must you feel so good?  From my observations, pretty much everyone there were either snot-nosed brats still reeling from the stretcher job put on Hornswaggle last night, or the surly adults drinking up because they had to bring their kids to this and well, it's Philly.  You'll find beer is the answer to a lot of problems around these parts.
 
- ECW starts and they throw out the OBVIOUS joke segment immediately - Tommy Dreamer going to Tony Luke's to get a cheesesteak.  Sometimes, they just make it WAY too easy.  Though, if it were up to me to choose which ridiculously Italian stereotype with likely having mafia connections, I'd be getting my cheesesteaks from Joey Vento over at Geno's.  Quick story, Geno's has a wall of fame full of autographed pictures of famous visitors and all.  Eagles coach Andy Reid has no less than FIVE pictures there.  When you look at that guy, are you shocked?  Tommy Dreamer and he could be body doubles at this point.
 
- Next up we get to see Zack Ryder and Rosa Mendes coming out to have a match with Shelton Benjamin.  This sappy romance shit is hitting critical mass at this point, but I dig it only for its utter cheese factor.  Anyway after this long and drawn out in-ring courtship, out comes Shelton to Jerry Springer it up a bit.  He proceeds to make Zack look like a fool in front of his new woman (who is retarded skinny by the way), before going ahead and turning his attentions to Mendes.  Why, I'll never know.  He says something to the effect of that Zack should leave the ring so Shelton and Rosa can wrestle, which isn't really that clever.  I mean he might as well just gone for the gusto and said "hey bro, I wanna fuck your woman."  Gets right to the point.  Anyway Zack responds with a cheap shot which knocks Shelton down, and Ryder escapes the ring with Mendes.  So, no match.  LAME.
 
- Burchill Vs. Hurricane, Mask Vs. Career is up next.  DAMN Katie is fine to see live.  Oh yeah, there was a match too.  And the match was actually really good!  I get the feeling that both guys knew it was time to impress the higher ups, because they were pulling out all the stops.  Sadly, Hurricane got the unsurprising win with an Eye of the hurricane off the top rope, which was a nice finish all things considered.  They did make Paul look good, if this was his last match.  Which, likely, it won't be.  Either he'll move to Smackdown, or he'll slap a mask on and still be on ECW.  I'm hoping for the former on that one.  Paul in non-ripper gimmicks are pretty cringe-worthy.  At least the Brits sold the defeat very well, both looking on the verge of tears as they were sang out of the arena.
 
- FILLER TIME now, as CM Punk decides to pay General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany a visit (he's in the main event, and he opened the show saying how much of a hit he'll be with the crowd or some shit like that).  Punk complains, GMGBT tells him to lighten the hell up (on her perma-happy mode of course).  I must note that GMGBT was looking pretty fine tonight as well.  Chicks with broken arms turn me on LIKE NO OTHER.
 
- Continuing with FILLER TIME, they show some video packages - the above mentioned Tommy Dreamer one, but they also feel the need to touch on that MSG package they aired last night.  BAD MOVE, WWE.  That is like rule one of Philly - DO NOT HYPE NEW YORK IN OUR PRESENCE.  Needless to say, that video package did not sit well with the crowd one bit.
 
- So, how do they decide to quell the crowd?  VANCE ARCHER.  Yeah, that'll work.  Quieted the crowd right into a coma, that's for sure.  Vance wins, obviously, but his finisher is so retarded it's getting sad.  It's just a snap reverse DDT, you don't need to lift him up in the first place if you're just putting him in the reverse DDT position!  I made sure to let EVERYONE know that.  They all cared, they just decided to ignore me.  It's how we say hello here.
 
- TO THE BACK AGAIN, as Punk and Christian meet to talk about things ECW.  Punk used to be ECW and World champ, Christian retorts with that he still is a champ, world keeps on spinning.  Snore.
 
- MAIN EVENT TIME, with Christian and R-Truth taking on CM Punk and Regal.  Truth came out last, which I find peculiar when his partner is THE FREAKING CHAMP OF THE BRAND.  With Truth, I'm very saddened whenever he does his rapping shtick.  Remember when he had those vignettes that were portraying him as a guy down on his luck having to go through hard times but he was here to change things and all that good stuff?  And how'd that turn out?  He debuts as K-Kwik, version 2.  Dude is talented, I just think he gets treated as a joke.  So, two good matches on a show?  Aww WWE, you shouldn't have!  These four are pretty consistent with putting on good matches, so why not throw them all in the ring together?  Heels pulled out the victory with a nice hectic finish - Christian tries for the Killswitch on Punk but Regal comes in with the SURPRISE running knee, which leads to Punk nailing the ECW Champ with the GTS for the victory.  Crowd was definitely into the festivities, mainly because Christian and Punk are good with the cool fans.  I mean, you're cool, right?  Only cool people like Punk and Christian - that's all I'm saying.
 
- Smackdown follows up the show, and frankly I was a little disappointed with it.  When I was making plans to see this show, I was assuming that this was going to be the Smackdown that was still cutting edge, with compelling storylines and great wrestling to support it.  Well, we still got the decent wrestling part.  Silly me, thinking WWE could keep a good thing going.  I imagine the WWE offices have an emergency panel that says "In case of good television, break glass," and inside is Batista.  Just saying, as soon as that guy came over to the blue brand, things have been going pretty downhill.  Anyway, it was an OK show I suppose, nothing special.  Though, it's definitely fun to see live, if you don't mind your ears getting raped into oblivion.  Oh wait, that's just me, parked near a PA speaker.  I refuse to spoil things, so just go read the report on TWF when it gets there.
 
- Smackdown ends and I am out of here to come home, where I write this stuff out.  I gotta say, pretty glad as a whole that I went.  The seating sucked, but I still enjoyed getting into things with the rest of the crowd.  Like how I took up writing as an alternative way of enjoying WWE programming, seeing it live increased the enjoyment.  For all the shit WWE gets, they are entertaining live.  But only on televised shows.  Fuck those house shows.  So, if you want to know, I give tonight a thumbs up.  Back to normal next week...thank God.  My wallet's still crying from refreshment rape.
SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).