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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(11/10/09)
 
Welcome back.  Between the Phillies going down like bitches and also assorted personal bullshit, I am in a totally shitty mood right now.  That being said, let's get right to it.
 
Still standing here in Sheffield, England!  And man the audio is pretty awful tonight.  Everything sounds ridiculously muffled.  Abraham Washington come to start us off, and it's of course, met with resounding apathy.  Man that hair is shiny.  So after some pre-requisite Brit bashing (which actually gets some good heat), Washington goes ahead and hypes up the main event, and brings out Yoshi Tatsu.  Yoshi looks like, well, a Japanese businessman, minus the combover and sniffing of preteen panties while doing drunken karaoke.  Yay for stereotyping!  This turns into a quick rehash of Rush Hour, as they do that whole "Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth" bit that totally wasn't old a decade ago.  Add in that already so very tired thank you bit with some gratuitious bowing, and this is getting really bad really fast.  But, Yoshi does call Abe Chris Tucker.  SICK BURN.  Eventually, Washington goes "fuck this shit" and ends the segment, to take a hike with Atlas to the backstage as Yoshi bows repeatedly.  Oh you lovable foreigner, what ever will we do with you?  To sum up, not a great start to the evening.  However, I've got no problem with putting this on first.  Get the shit over with early, right?  Oh I hope so.
 
Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill Vs. Goldust
 
Just thought I'd mention this, I've seen the top Katie Lea is wearing.  In a Paintball/outdoors store.  So, it's pretty much the pinnacle of Trailer Park Trash.  Also, uh oh, Goldust is deciding to be in character tonight!
 
Goldust is working over Burchill with ease from the get go, until a snap kick to the back of Goldy let's Paul take over.  Rib attacking galore follows, and I'm losing interest in a hurry.  I'm sorry, Goldust just doesn't do it for me.  He eventually makes a comeback, but Burchill shrugs off a bulldog from the corner and hits a running punt to the ribs.  Orton's filing a lawsuit for gimmick infringement as we speak.  Hurricane comes down to keep Burchill from having any credibility, as Goldust uses the distraction to land a Final Cut to pick up the win.
 
Winner:  Goldust
 
What Stood Out:  Nothing like building some momentum for his big match next week!  Hometown (or country) rule is full in effect here apparently.
 
TO THE BACK as Ryder encounters Rosa to compliment her on her being barely above useless last week.  He then humbly asks her to come with him to the ring sometime, and she says maybe.  Awwwwwww.  He then has another daydream of them skipping down the hall holding hands.  AWWWWW.  Ok, I'll even admit that was pretty funny.  I would also recommend this site to him, www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com.  This story seems tailor made for that site.
 
ALSO IN THE BACK, General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany is having a chat with William Regal.  I for one am proud of her.  She didn't give into her natural inclination to rip his pants off!  Baby steps.  So GMGBT and Regal take turns making nice nice, before she tries to plant the seed of doubt that Regal might not win the title tonight.  All while smiling the whole time.  She has missed her calling as a Barker's Beauty.  And with the sluttiness, she'd be right up that ball-chopping wacko Bob Barker's alley!
 
Vance Archer Vs. British Jobber
 
Mr. Tramp Stamp gets a quick in-box promo before the match start.  I shall now transcribe the whole promo for you.  Thank me later:
 
"Who's Vance Archer?  My opponent's about to find out."
 
RIVETING.
 
So yeah, suplexes, hits, Reverse DDT, done.  I must re-iterate, RIVETING.
 
Winner:  Vance Archer
 
What Stood Out:  I get the whole point is to make him seem intense, but it's less intense and more bland as vanilla ice cream.
 
William Regal Vs. ECW Champion Christian
 
Regal opts to go it alone, and both guys are in the ring before 10:40.  So, they're giving this one loads of time, which is usually a good sign.  After the formal in-ring intros, we are ready to go!  For the record, crowd's decidedly down the middle for both guys, so I'm expecting some dueling chants, damn it.  Though this isn't TNA, so I guess I shouldn't hope for such a ridiculous reaction at the drop of a hat.
 
Guys do a few tie-ups, and that's pretty much it for the opening minutes.  There's starting up slow, and there's this.  Oh, and let's not forget that this goes to commercial like one minute in.  Way to break up the pace, fellas.
 
Back from break, Regal is slugging away on Christian.  No explanation, he's just winning all of a sudden.  After wailing on him in the corner, Christian is able to punch Regal off the top and hit a nice cross body for a near fall.  Now it's all Christian, as he pounds away.  However, he decides to go high once too often, and Regal catches him on the top.  The two slug away with BOO YAY chants (BOO for Christian for the record), my favorite kind of generic chant.  Regal eventually wins out and hits a nice butterfly superplex to take over.  Regal locks in a chinlock going into the next commercial break.
 
Back from the last break, Regal hits an exploder suplex on the outside and brings Christian back into the ring for a slew of more rest holds.  Despite working heel, Regal's clearly the fan favorite here.  As well he should be.  However, this match isn't getting too many cheers as the pace has slowed to a CRAWL.  Christian eventually evens things up, but Regal tries a roll-up with the ropes that gets caught.  Surprise roll-up by the champ gets a close two, and Regal answers with another big suplex to take back over.  Christian then Canadians up, and the two go back and forth before Christian hits a sudden Killswitch.  However, Christian isn't able to capitalize right away, so this only gets a two.  Back and forth we go again, with a SLOPPY roll-up getting a close two count on the champ.  Christian recovers and goes up top AGAIN, but Regal just pitches him to the floor to begin a SLOW count.  Christian gets back in, lands some hits, and two Missile Dropkicks get a close count.  Regal answers with a missed knee trembler but not really, which gets close as well.  back and forth some more until Regal locks in the Regal Stretch, which again gets very little from the crowd.  Stretch gets battled out of and it's a total counter-fest from here.  Eventually Regal misses on his third knee trembler attempt, and Christian finally scores with the Killswitch (after like his fourth attempt) to pick up the win.
 
Winner:  Christian
 
What Stood Out:  Good enough match, if a little slow.  And by a little, I mean HOLY CRAP END THE PAIN.  A dead crowd didn't help things either.
 
Christian stands tall with the title.  I'd expect to see another rematch between the two before the year's over.  Or 10.  THE END.
 
Uppers:  When the main event was actually going at a decent pace, it was good stuff.  Yep, that's all I got.  Oh wait, Ryder and Rosa skipping.  There we go.
 
Downers:  Outside of flashes of brilliance in the main event, the wrestling tonight was pretty blah as a whole.  Seems like the crowd agreed, as they were no-selling pretty much everything tonight.  Or it was the shit audio.  I can't decide which.  Abraham Washington and Yoshi Tatsu was extremely blah, Vance Archer continues to unimpress, and Buchill looking like a joke into likely being booted out of ECW next week into the unemployment line are all big minuses on the night.
 
Overall:  Have to say, very much not a fan of tonight's show.  Maybe it's my mood, but just wasn't feeling anything from tonight.  Oh well.  I press on.  Though next week definitely needs to deliver.
 
And that'll do it.  Short report tonight, but again, not really feeling it.  What can you do?  Enjoy the show?  Surely you jest.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).