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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(11/03/09)
 
Welcome Back to this week's ECW Report.  Sit down, stay a while.
 
OK, remember how I ended last week's report?  Quick refresher time:
 
"Have to go get ready for the Phillies starting up the World Series Repeat attempt tomorrow.  Depending on the outcome, next week I'm either going to be really happy, really pissed, or just late with the report because I decided baseball is more important than wrestling for one night.  Them's the breaks."
 
CARE TO GUESS WHICH ONE I AM?!  Seriously, I know talking about non-wrestling things is a big no-no, but...well too bad.  Phillies, Phillies, Phillies.  What ever shall I do with you?  It started off SO well in the first game and then the wheels pretty much exploded off the bus from there.  Atrocious fielding (Steal 2nd?  Why, have 3rd base for free too!), total lack of effective swinging (Ryan Howard, a RECORD SETTER, ladies and gentlemen, with his 12 strikeouts in the series), and some atrocious relief pitching are making the Phillies look like straight up jokes.  Very lame.  It's really not that the Yankees are THAT good (though all that money spent would convince you otherwise), it's just they're cashing in on the Phillies making some ridiculously fucktarded moves.  Add in Brett Myers coming close to confusing Cole Hamels with his wife, and I am NOT feeling great right now.  However, don't get me wrong.  I'm glad it's going to Game 6 at the opponent's field.  What's the worst that could happen?
 
 
 
Still standing here in Providence!  Hey, the whole population of Rhode Island's in the audience!  How nice.  Christian comes out WITH PURPOSE with no opening credits to challenge Regal after the beating he suffered last week.  Nothing special, nothing but FURIOUS ANGER.  As he's about to steam to the back to find Regal, uh oh, ho train's a comin'!  Yes, admitted megawhore General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany is out to calm Christian's nerves.  Hey!  This is a PG show!  Unfortunately, instead of some saxaphone music starting up in the background as she proclaims "But I didn't order a pizza..." she proclaims the beating is her fault.  Boy, she sure sounds chipper for a serious segment.  Oh riiiiiight, she's incapable of more than one emotion.  Damn, I keep forgetting.  So, as she tries to calm him down saying how Regal's been on the warpath because of her, Christian doesn't care anymore.  He just wants to fight Regal, doesn't matter how.  Regal and his ladies in red come out to interrupt, proclaiming how he's in control.  Christian requests a title match from GMGBT, and she agrees.  So, let that be a lesson, kiddies.  If you don't get what you want, fuck shit up and whine like crazy until you do!  However, TWIST!  Regal declines.  He actually wants it next week, when they're going to be in the UK instead.  So both agree, but Kozlov and Jackson are banned from ringside.  Regal then gets slapped into a match immediately.  Boy, good thing he was already dressed for action!  You'd think he knew it beforehand or something!  As Regal approaches the ring, however,  Christian greets him with a baseball slide.  So, for the whole ensuing match, Regal sells his ear.  Yes, his ear.
 

William Regal Vs. Goldust
 
In a nice twist, Chewbacca's cousin decided against using ECW to audition as an Oprah sound alike with her announcing this week.  Good for her. 
 
Goldust gets the upper hand early, not actually with wrestling moves per se, just with punches galore inside and outside the ring.  Regal is eventually able to take over, and yeah, I'm sorry this is getting boring in a hurry.  All I've seen are punches and rest holds so far.  Not exactly compelling stuff.  After what seems like an eternity in a chinlock, Goldust battles out and goes back to what he does best.  Punching.  A lot.  OH LOOK, he tries a basic wrestling move too!  A power slam, which looked terrible.  Goldust, sadly, tries one generic strike too many, missing a charge to the corner, allowing the running knee for the fairly quick win.
 
Winner:  William Regal
 
What Stood Out:  HOLY CRAP THAT WAS BORING.  I think I just grew a full beard by the time that match was over - that's how long it felt.
 
TO THE BACK now, as Zack Ryder is checking himself out in the mirror, assumedly applying a liter of spray tan and making sure his collar is extra popped.  Rosa sneaks up from behind and does her schtick of talking way too much.  As Reed Richards said, women are not supposed to be heard, they're supposed to be kissed.  What a sensitive man he is.  Anyway while she's talking it goes to acid trip mode as we get a peek into Ryder's mind, which is basically Rosa posing to generic 80's rock music.  Kind of like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, with out the whole masturbation thing.  However, I must call SHENANNIGANS on this one, as if it was really accurate, a few Jager bombs and bottles of HGH should have been in there too.  Fade back to reality as she takes her leave, complete with a burst of oil popping out of the bottle he was holding.  Ah, implied jizz.  How very PG.
 

Zack Ryder Vs. Shelton Benjamin
 
Chewie takes a break as Rosa comes out to do what the Bellas do best.  That is, uselessly announce the two guys coming out.  HOW DOES SHE EARN A PAYCHECK.  Her talkative bit gets precisely ZERO reaction from the crowd, by the way.
 
Back and forth starts us off, but Zack is eventually able to get the upper hand and goes to work with MORE CHINLOCKS.  Guess that's the boring rest hold of the week.  Shelton is able to battle back with fists, but he does other stuff too so it's actually cool to watch.  Stinger splashes, BAAAACK BODY DROP, german suplex, and it's pretty much all Shelton here.  Things spill to the outside, but Ryder gets on top and slings Shelton back into the ring.  Obviously because that was such a DEVESTATING maneuver, he goes back in the ring and makes the eyes at Rosa for a little while as she applies lip gloss.  WHAT A TALENT.  So yeah, Shelton is waiting for Zack to turn around, and Paydirts him for the win.
 
Winner:  Shelton Benjamin
 
What Stood Out:  HA HA Zack, think you were going to have a bright future do you?  Back down to jobberville for you!  I'll also note that both of these first two matches were retarded fast tonight.
 
And Shelton's reward?  Why, he gets announced as the winner by Rosa.  I have to admit, she doesn't sound terrible at that.  So basically her talent lies in her mouth.  I'll let you draw your own conclusions.
 
The Burchills are in the ring coming out from the break, as Paul rants about this proposal he has for the Hurricane.  Katie Lea just stands there looking hookerlicious as ever, not that I mind.  Hurricane is quick to come out and interrupt the ranting, brandishing his pimp cane for good measure.  Hurricane cracks wise about Katie Lea to start us off.  Paul becomes incensed (IF ANYBODY HERE GONNA BANG MY SISTER IT GONNA BE ME) and declares Hurricane as a fraud.  He's pissed because Burchill is such a fine upstanding fellow, yet Hurricane is the one everyone looks up to.  I sure as hell don't.  GO PAUL.  So the proposal is simply ONE. LAST. MATCH.  Geez, who does he think he is, HHH?  ANyway If HUrricane loses he has to unmask, but if Paul loses, the Burchill is gone from ECW.  Pretty sure I know how this ends, and if so, um, good for them?  I dunno if this means back to developmental or onto one of the good shows.  I certainly am pulling for those two to get elevated just a little bit, though.  I'm pulling for Katie every night.  Wink wink.
 
TO THE BACK AGAIN as Abraham Washington chats with Tony Atlas about the show, planning to go to GMGBT's office for some more funds for the show.  A sound strategy, since I'm sure she digs black guys, two at a time.  However, as they knock on the door OMGZ HOYT.  Yes, "That's MISTER tramp stamp to you" Lance Hoyt comes out of GMGBT's office, likely fresh off of leaving a bit of his Rock 'n' Rave Infection in the GM superskank.  He just stares and walks off.  GMGBT comes (ha HAAAAA, comes) out right after, and BOY she cleans up good.  Apparently, he's Vance Archer, and he's intense.  I'm sorry, but that new music makes it just TOO easy.  COMEDIC GOLDMINE, that I'm willing to rape and pillage thuroughly.
 
Raw Recap now, focusing solely on Ozzy's appearance.  Build to a PPV?  What's that?  Let's see a crappy remake of Sharon's talent show instead!  Though, I am man enough to admit Chris Masters' dancing pecs was GOLD.  Of course, leave WWE to try and pass it off as boring even though the crowd was legit marking for it.  Which begs the question, why hire someone if you're so very inclined to make him fail as much as possible?  I feel I must reiterate, that's pretty much what the whole recap video was.  No wrestling, no storyline with Cena/DX, nothing.  Nope, nothing but a family that was only entertaining to watch like 5 years ago.  How topical.
 
Vance Archer Vs. Jobberifico
 
Noticing those tights are riding just a tad high on Vance...I wonder if it's to cover something up.  NAHHHHHHH.
 
Kicks, slams, an overly complicated snap reverse DDT and we're done.  Oh Sheamus, how we've barely missed you.
 
Winner:  Vance Archer
 
What Stood Out:  Buzz cut Hoyt is bland as bland can be, but I must admit, I dig the entrance music. 
 

Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov Vs. Christian and Yoshi Tatsu
 
Jackson and Kozlov get the jobber entrance?  Interesting?  It's 10:55 already?  More interesting.  I just realized Striker isn't back and it's still that Byron Saxton guy?  EVEN MORE INTERESTING!
 
First, may I start off by saying that Christian is the only guy not wearing red in there?  There's other colors out there, just saying.  Jackson gets the early upper hand, and his blackness is too much for Yoshi to handle.  So, he yells alot and INTENSELY tags to Kozlov, and the two brutes are quickly all over the plucky babyface.  Christian just stands there in the other corner, being totally useful.  Things degenerate to the two taking turns slapping rest holds on Tatsu, with Jackson straight HUMBLING Tatsu, until he manages to dodge a charge by Jackson.  So, Christian gets the hot tag and cleans house...for about 30 seconds and then gets pitched off the top rope by Kozlov.  Christian slips out of what looked to be a Razor's Edge into a reverse DDT, and it gets chaotic from there.  Yoshi and Jackson spill to the outside, and Kozlov hits a fallaway slam.  However, Christian recovers in a hurry, and nails a tornado DDT and Killswitch to get the win.
 
Winner:  Christian and Yoshi Tatsu
 
What Stood Out:  That may have been one of the shortest main events I've ever recapped.  Pretty blah all around, honestly.
 
After the bell, Regal runs out to have one of the WORST slugfests I've seen with Christian.  Regal's punches are not even connecting, come on!  Jackson comes in soon enough to break it up, and hey, it's last week all over again.  Jackson and Kozlov ram Christian into the post, and Regal applies the stretch on the outside.  OH NOES, HOW WILL THE CHAMP COMPETE.  I dare say there's some odds to be overcome next week!  THE END.
 

Uppers:  Uh, I guess the promos were OK tonight.
 
Downers:  4 matches of relative blandness do nothing to improve my mood.  Just couldn't get into any one of them one bit because the second I try to, BAM over.  Oh, and that was pretty much the opposite of a good debut for Vance.  Braden Walkerville, here we come!
 
Overall:  Thumbs downing this show.  I liked the plot development, but when ECW doesn't play to their strength (good wrestling), the show sucks, plain and simple.
 
Think I'm surly now?  By next week I should be in a straight up depression coma!
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).