William Regal Vs. Goldust
In a nice twist, Chewbacca's
cousin decided against using ECW to audition as an
Oprah sound alike with her announcing this week.
Good for her.
Goldust gets the upper hand
early, not actually with wrestling moves per se,
just with punches galore inside and outside the
ring. Regal is eventually able to take over,
and yeah, I'm sorry this is getting boring in a
hurry. All I've seen are punches and rest
holds so far. Not exactly compelling stuff.
After what seems like an eternity in a chinlock,
Goldust battles out and goes back to what he does
best. Punching. A lot. OH LOOK, he
tries a basic wrestling move too! A power
slam, which looked terrible. Goldust, sadly,
tries one generic strike too many, missing a charge
to the corner, allowing the running knee for the
fairly quick win.
Winner: William Regal
What Stood Out: HOLY CRAP
THAT WAS BORING. I think I just grew a full
beard by the time that match was over - that's how
long it felt.
TO THE BACK now, as Zack Ryder
is checking himself out in the mirror, assumedly
applying a liter of spray tan and making sure his
collar is extra popped. Rosa sneaks up from
behind and does her schtick of talking way too much.
As Reed Richards said, women are not supposed to be
heard, they're supposed to be kissed. What a
sensitive man he is. Anyway while she's
talking it goes to acid trip mode as we get a peek
into Ryder's mind, which is basically Rosa posing to
generic 80's rock music. Kind of like Fast
Times at Ridgemont High, with out the whole
masturbation thing. However, I must call
SHENANNIGANS on this one, as if it was really
accurate, a few Jager bombs and bottles of HGH
should have been in there too. Fade back to
reality as she takes her leave, complete with a
burst of oil popping out of the bottle he was
holding. Ah, implied jizz. How very PG.
Zack Ryder Vs. Shelton Benjamin
Chewie takes a break as Rosa
comes out to do what the Bellas do best. That
is, uselessly announce the two guys coming out.
HOW DOES SHE EARN A PAYCHECK. Her talkative
bit gets precisely ZERO reaction from the crowd, by
Back and forth starts us off,
but Zack is eventually able to get the upper hand
and goes to work with MORE CHINLOCKS. Guess
that's the boring rest hold of the week.
Shelton is able to battle back with fists, but he
does other stuff too so it's actually cool to watch.
Stinger splashes, BAAAACK BODY DROP, german suplex,
and it's pretty much all Shelton here. Things
spill to the outside, but Ryder gets on top and
slings Shelton back into the ring. Obviously
because that was such a DEVESTATING maneuver, he
goes back in the ring and makes the eyes at Rosa for
a little while as she applies lip gloss. WHAT
A TALENT. So yeah, Shelton is waiting for Zack
to turn around, and Paydirts him for the win.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
What Stood Out: HA HA
Zack, think you were going to have a bright future
do you? Back down to jobberville for you!
I'll also note that both of these first two matches
were retarded fast tonight.
And Shelton's reward?
Why, he gets announced as the winner by Rosa.
I have to admit, she doesn't sound terrible at that.
So basically her talent lies in her mouth.
I'll let you draw your own conclusions.
The Burchills are in the ring
coming out from the break, as Paul rants about this
proposal he has for the Hurricane. Katie Lea
just stands there looking hookerlicious as ever, not
that I mind. Hurricane is quick to come out
and interrupt the ranting, brandishing his pimp cane
for good measure. Hurricane cracks wise about
Katie Lea to start us off. Paul becomes
incensed (IF ANYBODY HERE GONNA BANG MY SISTER IT
GONNA BE ME) and declares Hurricane as a fraud.
He's pissed because Burchill is such a fine
upstanding fellow, yet Hurricane is the one everyone
looks up to. I sure as hell don't. GO
PAUL. So the proposal is simply ONE. LAST.
MATCH. Geez, who does he think he is, HHH?
ANyway If HUrricane loses he has to unmask, but if
Paul loses, the Burchill is gone from ECW.
Pretty sure I know how this ends, and if so, um,
good for them? I dunno if this means back to
developmental or onto one of the good shows. I
certainly am pulling for those two to get elevated
just a little bit, though. I'm pulling for
Katie every night. Wink wink.
TO THE BACK AGAIN as Abraham
Washington chats with Tony Atlas about the show,
planning to go to GMGBT's office for some more funds
for the show. A sound strategy, since I'm sure
she digs black guys, two at a time. However,
as they knock on the door OMGZ HOYT. Yes,
"That's MISTER tramp stamp to you" Lance Hoyt comes
out of GMGBT's office, likely fresh off of leaving a
bit of his Rock 'n' Rave Infection in the GM
superskank. He just stares and walks off.
GMGBT comes (ha HAAAAA, comes) out right after, and
BOY she cleans up good. Apparently, he's Vance
Archer, and he's intense. I'm sorry, but that
new music makes it just TOO easy. COMEDIC
GOLDMINE, that I'm willing to rape and pillage
Raw Recap now, focusing solely
on Ozzy's appearance. Build to a PPV?
What's that? Let's see a crappy remake of
Sharon's talent show instead! Though, I am man
enough to admit Chris Masters' dancing pecs was
GOLD. Of course, leave WWE to try and pass it
off as boring even though the crowd was legit
marking for it. Which begs the question, why
hire someone if you're so very inclined to make him
fail as much as possible? I feel I must
reiterate, that's pretty much what the whole recap
video was. No wrestling, no storyline with
Cena/DX, nothing. Nope, nothing but a family
that was only entertaining to watch like 5 years
ago. How topical.
Archer Vs. Jobberifico
Noticing those tights are
riding just a tad high on Vance...I wonder if it's
to cover something up. NAHHHHHHH.
Kicks, slams, an overly
complicated snap reverse DDT and we're done.
Oh Sheamus, how we've barely missed you.
Winner: Vance Archer
What Stood Out: Buzz cut
Hoyt is bland as bland can be, but I must admit, I
dig the entrance music.
Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov Vs. Christian
and Yoshi Tatsu
Jackson and Kozlov get the
jobber entrance? Interesting? It's 10:55
already? More interesting. I just
realized Striker isn't back and it's still that
Byron Saxton guy? EVEN MORE INTERESTING!
First, may I start off by
saying that Christian is the only guy not wearing
red in there? There's other colors out there,
just saying. Jackson gets the early upper
hand, and his blackness is too much for Yoshi to
handle. So, he yells alot and INTENSELY tags
to Kozlov, and the two brutes are quickly all over
the plucky babyface. Christian just stands
there in the other corner, being totally useful.
Things degenerate to the two taking turns slapping
rest holds on Tatsu, with Jackson straight HUMBLING
Tatsu, until he manages to dodge a charge by
Jackson. So, Christian gets the hot tag and
cleans house...for about 30 seconds and then gets
pitched off the top rope by Kozlov. Christian
slips out of what looked to be a Razor's Edge into a
reverse DDT, and it gets chaotic from there.
Yoshi and Jackson spill to the outside, and Kozlov
hits a fallaway slam. However, Christian
recovers in a hurry, and nails a tornado DDT and
Killswitch to get the win.
Winner: Christian and
What Stood Out: That may
have been one of the shortest main events I've ever
recapped. Pretty blah all around, honestly.
After the bell, Regal runs out
to have one of the WORST slugfests I've seen with
Christian. Regal's punches are not even
connecting, come on! Jackson comes in soon
enough to break it up, and hey, it's last week all
over again. Jackson and Kozlov ram Christian
into the post, and Regal applies the stretch on the
outside. OH NOES, HOW WILL THE CHAMP COMPETE.
I dare say there's some odds to be overcome next
week! THE END.
Uppers: Uh, I guess the promos were
Downers: 4 matches of relative
blandness do nothing to improve my mood. Just
couldn't get into any one of them one bit because
the second I try to, BAM over. Oh, and that
was pretty much the opposite of a good debut for
Vance. Braden Walkerville, here we come!
Overall: Thumbs downing this show.
I liked the plot development, but when ECW doesn't
play to their strength (good wrestling), the show
sucks, plain and simple.
Think I'm surly now? By
next week I should be in a straight up depression