Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(10/20/09)
 
Welcome Back. Quick question - would you consider a white guy like me wearing a poncho and giant sombrero with the words "VIVA MEXICO" written on it offensive?  Just curious, as I'm thinking of dressing up for Halloween for work, and I'd kinda like to not be fired.  Oh, I'm thinking of bringing some tequila with me too.
 
Didn't watch too much of Raw last night - Too busy watching the Phillies give me an early heart attack, along with making me shred my vocal cords screaming at the TV (for both good and bad).  But you don't want to hear about that I imagine.  You want to hear about WRESTLING NEWS!  And right now, the biggest of the big news is Shane McMahon, who is GONE when the new year starts.  Considering that it's just out of nowhere, it's pretty shocking stuff.  So, let's get to wildly speculating!  I'll chalk it up to Shane basically growing up in the business, and wants to see what else is out there as part of some mid-life crisis or something.  Well, either that or Trips and Steph are making a power play for Vince's throne finally in a seismic shift of control of WWE not seen since the French Revolution.  Sure, it's one of those.  In all seriousness, for a spoiled brat, Shane seemed like a stand-up guy, so good luck to him in whatever he does.  Just put that out there, because OBVIOUSLY he reads this report.  I mean, who doesn't?  Everyone?  Let's get to it.
 
Still standing here in the University of South Carolina!  GO GAMECOCKS!  Abraham Washington tries to open the show before the credits when CHRIS JERICHO strolls in to immediately make things interesting.  Apparently he's looking for General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany's office.  He then promptly puts down being on Abe's show.  Jericho?  On MY show?  This, I can approve of.
 
After the credits, we get the formal introduction of Lillian Garcia's mysterious replacement, looking fine.  Lauren Mayhew's her name, giving me wood's her game.  Too subtle?  Though I probably wouldn't hit on her - big brother Chewbacca's probably lurking around the corner.
 
Yoshi Tatsu Vs. Zack Ryder
 
Things are pretty even keel for the first few minutes.  Zack gets the upper hand and says bro a lot, then Yoshi goes all Japanesey on him to put him on his back.  Ryder's eventually able to hang up Yoshi on the ropes, and it's pretty much all him for now.  And what do heels do when they have the advantage, class?  That's right, REST HOLDS.  Today's hold is the body scissors, since Yoshi landed on his gut on the ropes to get the advantage.  Yoshi battles back eventually with a discus elbow and kicks galore, but gets caught when he goes up top.  Both guys then proceed to fall right the fuck off the turnbuckle and to the floor.  Planned enough to not paralyze them, but sloppy enough to make me think it was real.  Good job.
 
Back from commercials, Ryder locks in a kneeling abdominal stretch (the deadliest submission in the THQ Nintendo 64 games), but Yoshi slips out and spins around kicking Zack behind the knee.  And...yeah, they both stand up and do some more hits, but Yoshi goes over the ropes on a charge.  He hangs on though, and when Zack tries to follow up, he catches a roundhouse to the face.
 
Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu
 
What Stood Out:  This match ending like 90 seconds out of the break.  Mistiming maybe?
 

TO THE BACK now, with Rosa Mendes trying desperately to sell herself to GMGBT.  She says she's multi-talented (LIES), she can wrestle (MORE LIES), and can speak Spanish (EVEN MORE LI...ok that one's probably true).  Jericho barges in to send the waste of space packing (not GMGBT).  Apparently the reason for the visit to ECW was to scout talent for his team for Sunday.  GMGBT is like "nuh uh bitch" and does not allow it.  Because it's not like the wrestlers have free will or anything like that, nope.  They're her property.  Well, that's a little depressing.  Anyway she proposes that he just sit back and watch the rest of the show, and Jericho walks off in disgust.  Oh the hidden meanings are positively delightful.
 
ONCE AGAIN IN THE BACK, Jericho has a quick meet and greet with Regal, Kozlov, and Jackson.  He tries to scout the ladies in red, but GMGBT swoops in to ruin everyone's fun.  Because Regal and Jericho were saying how GMGBT's in over her head and doesn't have any real power before she popped into frame, she reiterates how Regal's not getting a shot at the ECW Championship, and tries to over-enunciate Jericho right out of the building.  Jericho then says nay to her, because he's Chris Jericho.  Or because he's part of the unified tag champs, thus allowing him to appear on all brands.  That'd be a better explanation.  So GMGBT then elects to put Jericho in a match against Christian tonight instead.  THIS, I CAN APPROVE OF. 
 
Sheamus Vs. Who cares because he's tiny
 
Knees galore, fake pin, Irish Curse, fake pin, Shelton run-in?  Wha?
 
Winner:  Technically Sheamus, but never announced so NO ONE.
 
What Stood Out:  Why'd you run in Shelton?  That guy had Sheamus right where he wanted him!
 
After the bell, Shelton is ALL OVER Sheamus, hitting a NICE german suplex to the pale muhfugga to send his ass scurrying to the back.
 

After an excellent repeat video package of Cena/Orton (it really was very well put together, but seriously, is going to SmackDown really THAT BAD), we get a run-down of Bragging Rights, just another PPV in a long line of slaughtering good taste in 2009.  Oh, I do hope the next PPV will have a total bullshit gimmick too!  Can't get enough of that!  Though it is kind of hilarious how they're pretty much not acknowledging ECW one bit for this supposed brand war.  Man, WWE sure knows how to bring the viewers to ECW!
 
TO THE RING NOW, as the Burchills come out to, uh oh, cut a promo?  STOP!  YOU'LL GIVE THEM CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IF YOU DO THAT!  Paul grabs a microphone, gloating about how he stomped the Hurricane last week.  It quickly devolves into a USA Vs. Britan thing, Saying how the UK's heroes are all fine upstanding citizens, with our heroes being masked people in tights who rescue kittens.  After claiming he's exposed the Hurricane, he demands Gregory to come on down and unmask.  So the Hurricane comes on down, and unmasks with no resistance.  BUT OH WAIT.  THAT'S NOT HELMS.  Burchill's deadpan delivery of "you're not Gregory." is quite humorous.  So the music starts up again, and the actual Hurricane appears from behind, wailing on Paul with a kendo stick.  A Hurri-CANE, if you will.  Mmmmm, pun-tastic.  The Brits decide to quickly take a hike after that.  It wasn't a bad promo, and Katie Lea doing nothing but standing around and looking good gets plenty of thumbs up from me. Also, that was a pimping jacket Paul had on.  I'd get one, but I'm probably not British enough for it.  Oh, also Paul Burchill probably outweighs me by probably at least 130 pounds.  That may factor into things as well.
 
Unified Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho Vs. ECW Champion Christian
 
Know why this makes me happy?  ECW gets a Jericho match, and SmackDown doesn't.  Additionally, Christian FINALLY decides to not look completely yellow.  I guess Yoshi's lawyers finally got busy with that gimmick infringement suit.  Striker rightfully goes over the history of these two, and points out how they haven't had a match in SIX YEARS.  Boy, if an average wrestling fan knew that beforehand, they might be tempted to tune in this week!  WHOOPS!
 
It's a good ol' Canadian amateur wrestlefest to start things out, with wrist locks aplenty to start things off.  Jericho busts out a bridge of all things when put in the wrist lock, which is awesome.  Didn't even know he had it in him still.  That's like, cruiserweight WCW Jericho right there.  Things break down from wrestling to just punching and kicking the hell out of each other, which Christian wins out on.  Because he's a face, of course.  Jericho manages to put Christian down momentarily, but when he tries to bust out the lionsault, Christian's there to push him over the top rope to the floor.  Jericho then immediately eats a baseball slide as soon as he gets up going into the final break.
 
Out of the break, Christian is working a chinlock, but Jericho powers him into the corner to break it.  All that earns him is a missile dropkick after being stunned with an elbow when he tried charging Christian.  This gets two, and Jericho manages to snap off a BAAAAAACK BODY DROP through the ropes to send Christian to the floor.  After ping-ponging Christian's head off various things on the outside, it's all Jericho in the ring as Striker gives him the verbal blowjob at every angle.  Mongoose McQueen, how Chris' dad played hockey for New York, it's all in there.  Jericho even steals Christian's move of standing on his back using the ropes for leverage.  Oh, it's only cheer-worthy when Christian does it eh?  DISCRIMINATION!  Christian gets shots in here and there, but only is able to rally when Jericho tanks it on the lionsault.  AGAIN.  SHORYUKEN sends Jericho into the ropes, and Christian does the standing thing himself.  This actually gets some boos as well.  It's a counter-fest from here, with Christian going up top, only to be caught flying into a Walls of Jericho attempt,  which gets countered into a schoolboy for two.  Roll-ups and finisher attempts abound, and Jericho goes for the walls again, but Christian isn't letting it happen.  So, he just slingshots him into the turnbuckle instead.  Third walls attempt follows right after, this time actually getting Christian in it.  But, because that move hasn't put anyone away for the longest time, the ECW champ crawls to the ropes to get the break.  Jericho immediately whiffs on a charge, and Christian takes advantage with a Killswitch to pick up the pin.
 
Winner:  Christian
 
What Stood Out:  Jericho and Christian are able to put on good matches consistently, and this was no exception.  GREAT TV match.  However, what stood out is the sheer heat the Walls got once it was locked in.  SUBMISSIONS STILL GET OVER DAMN IT.
 
After the bell, we get a passing announcement that it's going to be Christian and Yoshi Tatsu for the title next week.  Who cares about that though?  CHRISTIAN AND JERICHO, DAMN IT.  Just let me bask in the glow for a bit, you bloodthirsty bastards.  THE END.
 
Uppers:  Main event, all the way.  A very nice way to spend 10-15 minutes of your time, if I do say so myself.  Apparently blonde Canadians are just genetically bred to put on consistently good matches.  The opener wasn't too bad either.  I'd say in general where Jericho appeared, magic happened.  He's good like that.
 
Downers:  Have to say, drawing a blank here.  I guess the total lack of explanation on why ECW is not on the PPV card at all is a bummer.  This would be the good kind of writer's block.
 
Overall:  Good good stuff tonight.  Hell, watch the whole show!  Shame pretty much no one saw it because who watches ECW?  Yep.  And that revelation always brings me much sadness.
 
And that'll do it for this week.  I must stress, watch this show.  There are FAR worse things you could be doing with an hour of your time.
 
SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).