Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(10/13/09)
 
Welcome back.  Feeling a bit sleepy, so just a quick aside then off to your weekly dose of ECW goodness...
 
Soooo, how about Raw last night, eh?  No, I'm seriously asking, because I didn't watch it.  And I have to tell you, it felt great.  Instead, I elected to watch the Philadelphia Phillies give me a heart attack for the second night in a row, and ensuring I get exactly ZERO sleep the past two nights.  So yeah, I'm running on empty.  But let's talk more baseball, shall we?  Learning about different sports is good for you, or something.  Do I think the Phillies can win the World Series two years in a row?  Fuck yeah I do.  Last night proved that to me.  I'm of the mindset that if the Phillies can keep their shit together (especially on the pitching side of things), they can bring another title back to Philadelphia.  Considering the last team to do that feat would be the Yankees (their motto - "All of your problems can be solved by throwing money at it.  ALL OF THEM.") at the turn of the millenium, that's saying something.  OK then, actual sports fanboy mode off, sports entertainment fanboy mode on!  Let's get to it.
 

Still standing here in, well, my bedroom watching this tripe. They're standing in the University of Kentucky. Of course, I only knew that later on in the program because I missed it in the opening.  What can I say, I had to cook me some dinner.
 
Ezekiel Jackson w/ Vladimir Kozlov Vs. Goldust
 
In a completely unrelated matter, exercising followed by downing half a pizza pie is healthy for you, I swear.
 
So this match starts off as predicted, with Zeke's blackness being too strong for the effeminate (well, he is when he decides to be in character) Goldust.  Jackson cuts the evilest of evil grins while doing  this.  Uh oh!  Hoss got a personality!  OOOOOH WEE!  Goldust is able to battle out of a bearhug a few minutes in, but just gets clotheslined to hell for his trouble right after.  Zeke decides to go right back to the rest holds, this time deciding on HUMBLING the man.  Goldust probably loves it.  Goldust eventually battles out of this one again, and things turn hilarious in a hurry as Goldust catches a flying Jackson in the front slam position...only for Jackson to be too heavy and flop on him.  Goldust mounts a legit comeback after this, managing to take Ezekiel off of his feet.  Flatliner stuns Jackson, but when Goldust goes up top, Kozlov distracts the ref by showing emotion.  Hey, I'd notice it too, seeing how I've seen planks of wood with better acting skills.  Anyway, Jackson takes advantage, knocks Goldust off the top, and scoops him up for a negronage for the win.
 
Winner:  Ezekiel Jackson
 
What Stood Out:  Hey, a squash match!  Except it wasn't a local jobber this time!
 
After the bell, Kozlov rocks Goldust with a MOBH for good measure.  Also after the bell, a quick recap of last week's festivities with the OH SO CONTROVERSIAL Yoshi Tatsu/William Regal bout, along with Regal and his ladies in red beating Christian and Ryder's asses.  This sets up the main event tonight, Tatsu and Christian Vs. Regal and Ryder.  Oh no!  How will Regal and Ryder ever get along?!  ...Look, humor me.  Being a WWE fan as long as I've been, I've only seen this storyline no less than FIVE THOUSAND TIMES.
 

TO THE BACK (commercials broke this up) as Zack Ryder confronts Regal about last week, looking like he just damn stepped out of an oven.  Man, Matt Hardy's got nothing on the spray tan this guy uses.  Anyway, Ryder gloats about how he's more qualified to be champ than he is, but Kozlov and Jackson appear to be all intimidating-like.  Regal DEMANDS Ryder do as he says, or those two will...continue to stare at him or something.  I do have to admit, they do that well.
 

Sheamus Vs.  Whoops!  Nobody.
 
Sheamus gets on the stick as he comes out, whining about his Superstars match outcome from last week.  Ha, foreigner pronounce the word "Superstars" funny.  Accent make me laugh.  And predictably, he gets some "WHAT?" chants for his trouble.  GOD I HATE THAT CHANT.  The sad thing is sooner or later, THAT is going to be Stone Cold's legacy.  Anyway, he basically channels the IWC and says how bullshit getting DQ'ed for beating too much ass is, along with putting down how Shelton's time has passed him by.  Can't argue with that point.  Sheamus then puts himself over (because no one else will), saying how he's going to rise to the top of the WWE, and quotes the old proverb "lead, follow, or get out of the way," which I've heard way too many times growing up in an Irish family.  And...that's it.  Huh.  I was assuming a MATCH was going to happen, since the guy came out to the ring with his music and wrestling gear on.  Silly me, thinking that was usually a sign of a wrestling match.  Instead we cut to the Burchills walking FURIOUSLY to the ring for the next match in the best of infinity series...
 

The Hurricane Vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill
 
Oh snap!  The mysterious announcer voice just was shown on camera!  And hey, she's also good looking and devoid of talent! A fitting replacement for Lillian Garcia, if I do say so myself.  And I do.  So I did.
 
Hurricane is all over Burchill from the opening bell, getting a two count off a pescado within 2 minutes.  Burchill manages to counter every so often, finally getting the upper hand after...well, punching him to the outside of the ring.  Striker decides to once again shit on how we're not supposed to know who Hurricane is, saying how he has a history of bad neck injuries throughout his career.  I mean, that has to give it away just a tad, doesn't it?  Unless Hurricane goes into surgery while wearing the mask, which admittedly would be an awesome visual. Damn I wish I was good at photoshop.  Anyway, as I imagine the possibilities, Burchill works the arm to the delight of no one in the audience, but Hurricane snaps off a 'rana to get back into it.  Burchill snaps off shots to the arm to get right back out of it.  In the fracas, one of Burchill's knee braces comes undone - oops!  Hurricane sure was nice enough to refasten it for him.  What a stand up guy.  Hurricane rallies but decides to go for one 'rana too many, and Burchill holds onto the top and Hurricane goes down like a sack of shit.  Jackhammer right after and...Burchill wins?  Saywhatinthefucknow?
 
Winner:  Paul Burchill
 
What Stood Out:  Burchill winning a match ALWAYS stands out.  In addition, it was pretty much as clean as a sheet, right in the middle of the ring.  No heelish interference or bullshit whatsoever.  I wholeheartedly approve.  Pirate hooker Katie was also out in full force tonight, and I know a little fella that's always a fan of that.
 

RAW RECAP TIME, focusing on, what else, Cena/Orton.  Two weeks worth even!  Remember, there wasn't a recap last week, so of COURSE we have to relive Cena saying him Vs. Orton is THE rivalry with a straight face.  How dare you disagree.  HOW.  DARE.  YOU.  And whoa whoa whoa, wait a damn minute.  I didn't see anything I didn't see already.  Keep in mind I didn't see a second of Raw last night.  SO, I am safe to assume last night's was so horrible that it doesn't deserve to exist in recap form.  Probably a safe bet.
 

TO THE BACK ONCE AGAIN with Christian and Yoshi Tatsu talking about their teaming up tonight.  And it's amateur hour and the Tokyo Tickle Hut again!  Apparently all Japanese LOVE Ichiro Suzuki and treat him as a diety.  Like Godzilla!  Man, the Japanese have some fucked up religions.  So yeah, it's the whole "they say thank you back and forth until you blow your brains out" bit again.  It shall not be recapped.
 
William Regal and Zack Ryder Vs. Yoshi Tatsu and Christian
 
You know what?  I'm starting to dig this chick.  She actually changes her inflection based on who's coming out?  And I don't mean like Lillian.  No, she ACTUALLY does it!  For those keeping score:
 
Regal = low super-serious voice
Ryder = a little more chipper sounding (maybe she has a thing for Guido douchebags?)
Yoshi Tatsu = happy happy time voice
Christian = on microphone orgasm of hyping
 
So, good job, nameless lady.  Gold star for you.
 
Ryder and Yoshi start off, with Yoshi getting the upper hand with some arm drags before tagging out to Christian.  Ryder then promptly goes to town on Christian, 'cause he's in the fucking zone, chief.  Yes, that was too easy, but I do take pride in my ability to put forth minimal effort in my writing.  Anyway, Christian is eventually able to send Ryder packing outside the ring, where Regal and he have a little chat.  Probably something about the weather, any good bars/coke dealers to recommend, you know, things like that.  Christian then decides to be a dick and break that up with a baseball slide, and the champ gloats going into the last break.
 
Christian is housing Regal in the ring out of the last break, but predictably, that doesn't last long.  Regal is able to turn it around and Ryder tags in to...try a pin then slap on a chinlock.  Riveting.  Christian still looks yellow as hell, to the point that Yoshi is saying "You stealing my gimmick man?"  *rimshot* So anyway, let's get the hell away from that joke as soon as possible shall we?  Yoshi gets the hot tag and goes to town on Ryder, hitting his kicks and snapmares and blah blah exciting offense blah.  Regal eventually distracts the ref so Ryder can get a speedy neckbreaker in to turn things around.  The bad guys take turns tuning up Tatsu, and this show's overrunning in a BIG way.  Yoshi eventually hits a discus elbow on Ryder to get the hot tag over to the champ, who runs wild on Ryder, popping Regal for good measure.  FYI, Regal reacted to every hit with the loudest growl I've heard. Like, just a simple punch was met with GRAHHHHHHHHHH~!  Seems a bit melodramatic is all.  Anyway Regal recovers and things break down for a second - long enough for Yoshi to get whipped into the steps while Christian hits a missile dropkick on Ryder.  Christian doesn't even try a pin, instead immediately dashing back up to the top, where Regal distracts long enough for Ryder to toss Chiristian off.  Looking like a rehash of the opening match, but Regal tags himself in to show Ryder how it's done.  While they bicker, Christian recovers, bitch slaps Regal, who gets snapped off the top rope by Ryder.  RUH ROH!  FACE TURN!  Christian hits a Killswitch from there for the win.
 
Winner:  Christian and Yoshi Tatsu
 
What Stood Out:  Ryder turns on Regal!  INTRIGUE!  Nah, probably not.  I predict he'll still be a douche, but hates Regal.  So he'll be...dare I say it...a tweener?  Man, I haven't seen one of those in over a decade!  Have a Jager bomb on me, broski.  Gah, I feel dirty typing that.
 
Faces celebrate, Regal is reeling, and Ryder backs up with some weird cross between exhausted and smirking look that I can't really name.  Oh wait, yes I can.  Retarded.  Coincidentally, he wears that expression all the time.  THE END.
 

Uppers:  Keeping it quick tonight, folks.  Nod goes to ummm, the general non-offensiveness of the matches I guess.  None of them were flat-out amazing, but hey, they didn't suck, so that's something, right?
 
Downers:  Keeping it quick tonight, folks.  Nod goes to ummm, the general non-offensiveness of the matches I guess.  None of them sucked, but hey, they weren't flat-out amazing, so that's something.  Also, I do not approve of being fooled into thinking Sheamus was going to wrestle.  Not at all.
 
Overall:  No need to go out of your way to see tonight's festivities. Hell, I'm forgetting about it already.
 
SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).