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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(10/06/09)
 
Welcome back.  I'm ever so glad that you read week after week about the goings on in ECW land, and that I get the honor of writing about it for you.  NOW SIT YOUR ASS DOWN DOUCHEWIPE, I HAVE THINGS TO SAY AND YOU WILL READ AND ENJOY THEM.
 
The big news of the day is that SURPRISE SURPRISE, things aren't going to well in WWE land.  So what else is new?  Well, this time it has to do with the two big items an entertainment business should be focused on:  Buyrates and ratings.  On the buyrates side, Early SummerSlam numbers are in, and they aren't looking too good. Last year topped out at around half a million buys, and this year it's looking to end up being only 375,000.  Ouch.  Who knew basically making a re-run of SummerSlam 2007 would be a bad idea?  Or that slaughtering fans' wallets with 14 PPVs a year would lead to burnout, in turn leading to plummeting numbers?  A non-soul-sucking company maybe?  On the side of ratings, it's not so much WWE getting crappy ratings (on the contrary, they're still doing decent numbers in spite of Monday Night Football) as it is WWE getting not as good ratings as their competiton.  In this case, the UFC.  The Ultimate Fighter has been starting to meet or surpass the ratings of Raw, via the freak show Kimbo Slice bringing in the average curious viewer.  To me, it's a no brainer.  For an average guy that hasn't seen either product, would they rather be interested in huge dudes legit beating the shit out of each other, or Hornswoggle hog tying a mexican dude in a cow costume? I can accept WHY WWE is marketing towards kids.  Make new fans, and simultaneously not make Linda look like such an embarassment when she runs for senate.  But as a result, they're severely risking alienating their older audience.  Hell, I can barely bring myself to watch Raw at this point.  Speaking of points, what was mine again?  Oh yeah, WWE sucks, but you knew that already.  Yet you still watch, as do I.  Le sigh.  Let's get to it.
 

Still standing here in Trenton! DAMN IT!  I could've been there! Though, I could've been at Hell in a Cell last Sunday too, but DAMN I am glad that I missed that abomination.  Titles getting hot potatoed?  A young up-and-comer losing his title in a curtain jerker to a guy who can barely go anymore?  DX main eventing in 2009, likely a decade after being relevant?  SIGN ME UP!  After a recap of last week's happenings and the opening, William Regal and his goons come out, announced by a decidedly feminine voice.  Lillian's replacement maybe?  Because announcing talent just doesn't hold a candle to having boobs.  Them's the rules, sorry.  So, General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany is still out, apparently healing up a broken arm.  Standing around being useless requires TWO working arms, DAMN IT.  So Regal says some shit I couldn't be bothered to actually listen to, but Zack Ryder is out quick to argue about the match last week.  Ryder was supposed to get a title shot last week, which was nixed with the quickness.  This quickly breaks down to a bitch-fest, which brings out the champ Christian.  He shuts down any #1 contender talk, bringing out a janitor, Tony Atlas, and Yoshi Tatsu, and argues that each of them are more qualified to be a contender than Ryder or Regal.  It was boring.  I was distracted by this delicious syntho chicken parmesean.  Christian concludes that no one is qualified to decide who the contender is, and out comes the TRIUMPHANT return of GMGBT.  Looks like that broken arm crap was legit, because she's sporting a cast.  Wrestling wouldn't lie to me!  Anyway, GMGBT tries (and fails miserably) at conveying emotions other than Vanna White-like spokesmodel, and books some matches for tonight.  Like, at first she was thankful for Regal for filling in, but then the speech was supposed to get serious.  And...it just didn't.  For starters she CAN NOT stop smiling, even when she's talking.  Maybe she should work on that.  Botox overdose?  Anyway the first booked match, BEGIN NOW.
 
Vladimir Kozlov and "Black Death" Ezekiel Jackson Vs. Tommy Dreamer and Goldust
 
SHOCKING.  Hope you weren't looking for any fast-paced action!
 
Quick tags start things off, with the good guys getting the upper hand in a hurry.  Zeke misses Goldust on a charge and flies outside, where Dreamer is quick to hit the cannonball off the apron.  It's a nice spot, mainly because you don't think Dreamer has the actual ability to do a forward flip.  Or get off the ground.  Kozlov sneaks in a shot soon after and it's all Jackson/Kozlov for a while.  After a few minutes, things just get straight up SLOPPY.  And I'm talking Double Dare sloppy.  First, Goldust and Jackson botch a spot (Goldust was to counter a clothesline with that laying down uppercut he does), but they recover nicely by going for a quick pin.  They immediately redo the spot after and get it right this time.  From there, Dreamer gets tagged in and hits a blockbuster-like move to a seated Jackson, and everybody spills into the ring.  After some more slow-motion horribleness, it's just Dreamer and Ezekiel left in the ring.  Doesn't take a genius to figure out how this ends.  Negronage pins Dreamer with the quickness.
 

Winner:  Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson
 
What Stood Out:  Dreamer gets air.  Fatty can fly! 
 

TO THE BACK now with Regal and GMGBT having a chit-chat, which of course segues to Bragging Rights and the solid ONE match card so far of Cena/Orton for an hour.  I don't know about you, but that's the kind of small talk I make at work too.  My co-workers look at me weird afterwards.  On another note, I feel so very sorry for anyone that's going to be in the arena when that abomination of a match happens.  On the bright side, 60 minutes is plenty of time to hit the concession stand and rapid-fire binge drink!  By the end of the match you'll be too drunk to care that you wasted your money attending that show!  Anyway, GMGBT sends Regal on his way to go get ready for his match, which is next, after...
 
RAW RECAP TIME.  And predictably, Sportscenter was ALL over this show tonight.  Some observations arise.  One, Roethlisberger sounds like he was in the middle of starting a rap career by his slurred speech.  Reading from the gospel of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, white guys that sound like rappers are also most likely retarded.  And Ben did get in a motorcycle accident without using a helmet.  IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!  Roethlisberger is mentally handicapped and is only capable of playing football!  Or he's from Ohio.  Same difference.  Also,  WWE?  A word?  Look, I know you're all about sending the fans home happy.  But once, JUST ONCE, can Jericho beat HHH clean?  I'm starting to think it's like, physically impossible at this point.  Like, Jericho lays on top of Trips, and due to some magnetic polarity or some bullshit, Jericho is thrown off.  But the other way around, WELL, HHH can't help himself.  It's science.
 

Yoshi Tatsu Vs. William Regal
 
Uh oh, looks like the "cheer Yoshi Tatsu" bandwagon has come to a screeching halt, because he got crickets coming out, according to my TV.  As did Regal, so very unfortunate for both guys.  Regal puts on the subtle touches to sell that he was in a hurry to get ready for his match, with the rushing to the ring, and untied boot.  Regal's pretty much a master of things like that, which just adds to the awesome.
 
As a result, things start out SLOWWW with Yoshi getting some shots in before Regal gets the ref to separate the two.  This gets considerable boos, mainly because the trentonians have more important things to do.  Like get robbed as soon as they step outside.  Anyway Regal gets a cheap shot or two in as a result, but Japanese plucky babyfaceness prevails, and Yoshi is teeing off on Regal going into the break.
 
Back from break, Regal turns things around immediately, and goes to the rest holds, choosing the chinlock from behind on the ground.  Smart.  Especially since he could've just as easily gone for the Regal Stretch from that position, but NOPE, THIS MATCH MUST CONTINUE.  Regal goes for some nice looking suplexes, but Yoshi is quick to battle back.  Tatsu hits his usual stuff and tops it off with a discus elbow, but when he goes for the spinning heel kick off the top (Striker dubs it the burning sword, while throwing in every ninja/japan reference he can in five seconds), he misses big time.  Regal looks to have things wrapped up and goes for the running knee, but Tatsu pops up and takes Regal's head off with the roundhouse kick.  Regal's foot is BLATANTLY under the rope, but apparently it doesn't matter, as Yoshi still gets the three count.
 
Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu
 
What Stood Out:  Yoshi and Regal do it right...they get the crowd popping through their in-ring action.  I just saw it happen.  Of course, they could've been getting booed/cheered from the start and for some reason their entrance music was just on WAY TOO LOUD, drowning out any and all fan enthusiasm.  Given Trenton's quality facilities, that's not that bad of an explanation.
 
After the bell, Kozlov and Jackson come out, with Tatsu reeling in the corner outside the ring.  Hmmm.  Giant muscle men in trunks eyeing a cowering Japanese?  I think I've seen Hentai start like this.  Anyway, instead of brutal rape/torture, they hop in the ring and help Regal argue the outcome of the match, because again, Regal blatantly put his foot under the rope.  For selling getting knocked out, I didn't know you could freely move your feet to a precise position while unconscious!  I guess we all learn something new every day.  Oh, and to drive the point home with the subtlety of using a pneumatic pile driver to hammer a nail, they replay the pin no less than three times, and Striker says Regal had his foot under the rope no less than five times.  In a span of one minute.   Now THAT's beating a dead horse.  Regal continues to argue as the announcers hype a Sheamus/Shelton match for Superstars, and right into...
 

Zack Ryder Vs. Christian
 
GAH THIS SHOW IS MOVING TOO FAST FOR ME.  Even as Ryder comes out, Regal is STILL arguing with the ref over the decision, going into break.  Man, just LET. IT. GO.
 
Back from break, Striker is nice enough to point out how retarded WWE's booking has been of late, stating the FACT of Christian being the longest-reigning world champ of the three brands.  The fact that he's held the title for longer than THREE WEEKS makes him the longest reigning champ.  That, my friends, is JUST DAMN GOOD BUSINESS.
 
Things start off pretty evenly, as Regal and his cronies look on from ringside.  I don't think they'll be a factor at all, no sir.  Man, Christian is looking YELLOW tonight.  GMGBT's rocking the hep C!  So, now that I've thuroughly ruined any possibility of you jerkin' it to the GM, maybe I can talk about the match.  Ryder keeps it interesting, but Christian stays one step ahead.  He leapfrogs over a charging Ryder, who then turns around into a SHORYUKEN.  This of course only gets a two count, because only D.J. GABRIEL MAY GET A THREE FROM THAT.  From there, Christian gets slingshotted into the bottom rope, then baseball slid to the outside going into our last break.
 
Back from commercials, Ryder is working an extended chinlock to the delight of nobody at all.  Christian gets a few shots in, but a headbutt and leg bulldog from behind stop that cold.  Multiple two counts and ref arguing follow.  Basically the pattern is do a move, cover for two for the next few minutes, before going back to ANOTHER chinlock.  Christian is able to battle out again and hits an edge-o-matic for two, and things go back and forth from there.  Well, for a little bit anyway, until Christian just starts running wild, hitting a cross body off the top for two.  That corner kick he does and a tornado DDT gets another two.  Killswitch gets countered into a NICE tiger bomb for a very close  two count.  Ryder gets sent to the outside soon after, and Christian gets another crossbody off the top.  Of course, the second he gets up, Kozlov runs his ass over with a clothesline, causing the disqualification.
 
Winner:  Christian
 
What Stood Out:  Well, it was good while it lasted.
 
After the bell, Jackson tosses Christian into the ring, where Regal is ready to knock his ass out with a running knee.  After Lillian 2 announces Christian as the winner, Ryder jumps in and is livid with Regal.  So, Regal and the ladies in red make my night and stomp the shit out of Ryder.  Once again Regal, Kozlov, and Jackson are standing tall.  I get that they're building them as the dominant force, but this is the what, 7th time a show's closed like this?  THE END.
 

Uppers:  All of the matches were good times tonight, so there's that.  Thankfully, that's a fairly common trait of ECW, so I've said this shit a million times.  The matches delivered, and...
 
Downers:  ...the promos didn't.  That opening segment was one big-ass boring blur for me. I like how they're driving the story of who the next #1 contender should be and all, but yeah.  SNORE.  And to cancel that out?  Why, ridiculous rapid-fire of segments?  They were cramming all sorts of shit between commercial breaks tonight.  Normally I'd be OK with that (more bang for your buck and all), but how can we actually be driven to CARE about anything if we're given all of two seconds before we're off to the next item on the list?  What is this, TNA?  Yep, it was too easy, and I couldn't resist.  Oh, and still don't care for DQ finishes.
 
Overall:  I imagine this report is going to look WAY short on the site.  Blame WWE.  It's certainly not because I was feeling lazy tonight!
 
Until next week, queefs.
SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).