Still standing here
in Trenton! DAMN IT! I could've been there!
Though, I could've been at Hell in a Cell last
Sunday too, but DAMN I am glad that I missed that
abomination. Titles getting hot potatoed?
A young up-and-comer losing his title in a curtain
jerker to a guy who can barely go anymore? DX
main eventing in 2009, likely a decade after being
relevant? SIGN ME UP! After a recap of
last week's happenings and the opening, William
Regal and his goons come out, announced by a
decidedly feminine voice. Lillian's
replacement maybe? Because announcing talent
just doesn't hold a candle to having boobs.
Them's the rules, sorry. So, General Manager
Generic Blonde Tiffany is still out, apparently
healing up a broken arm. Standing around being
useless requires TWO working arms, DAMN IT. So
Regal says some shit I couldn't be bothered to
actually listen to, but Zack Ryder is out quick to
argue about the match last week. Ryder was
supposed to get a title shot last week, which was
nixed with the quickness. This quickly breaks
down to a bitch-fest, which brings out the champ
Christian. He shuts down any #1 contender
talk, bringing out a janitor, Tony Atlas, and Yoshi
Tatsu, and argues that each of them are more
qualified to be a contender than Ryder or Regal.
It was boring. I was distracted by this
delicious syntho chicken parmesean. Christian
concludes that no one is qualified to decide who the
contender is, and out comes the TRIUMPHANT return of
GMGBT. Looks like that broken arm crap was
legit, because she's sporting a cast.
Wrestling wouldn't lie to me! Anyway, GMGBT
tries (and fails miserably) at conveying emotions
other than Vanna White-like spokesmodel, and books
some matches for tonight. Like, at first she
was thankful for Regal for filling in, but then the
speech was supposed to get serious. And...it
just didn't. For starters she CAN NOT stop
smiling, even when she's talking. Maybe she
should work on that. Botox overdose?
Anyway the first booked match, BEGIN NOW.
Vladimir Kozlov and "Black Death"
Ezekiel Jackson Vs. Tommy Dreamer and Goldust
you weren't looking for any fast-paced action!
Quick tags start things
off, with the good guys getting the upper hand in a
hurry. Zeke misses Goldust on a charge and
flies outside, where Dreamer is quick to hit the
cannonball off the apron. It's a nice spot,
mainly because you don't think Dreamer has the
actual ability to do a forward flip. Or get
off the ground. Kozlov sneaks in a shot soon
after and it's all Jackson/Kozlov for a while.
After a few minutes, things just get straight up
SLOPPY. And I'm talking Double Dare sloppy.
First, Goldust and Jackson botch a spot (Goldust was
to counter a clothesline with that laying down
uppercut he does), but they recover nicely by going
for a quick pin. They immediately redo the
spot after and get it right this time. From
there, Dreamer gets tagged in and hits a
blockbuster-like move to a seated Jackson, and
everybody spills into the ring. After some
more slow-motion horribleness, it's just Dreamer and
Ezekiel left in the ring. Doesn't take a
genius to figure out how this ends. Negronage
pins Dreamer with the quickness.
Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson
What Stood Out:
Dreamer gets air. Fatty can fly!
TO THE BACK now
with Regal and GMGBT having a chit-chat, which of
course segues to Bragging Rights and the solid ONE
match card so far of Cena/Orton for an hour. I
don't know about you, but that's the kind of small
talk I make at work too. My co-workers look at
me weird afterwards. On another note, I feel
so very sorry for anyone that's going to be in the
arena when that abomination of a match happens.
On the bright side, 60 minutes is plenty of time to
hit the concession stand and rapid-fire binge drink!
By the end of the match you'll be too drunk to care
that you wasted your money attending that show!
Anyway, GMGBT sends Regal on his way to go get ready
for his match, which is next, after...
RAW RECAP TIME.
And predictably, Sportscenter was ALL over this show
tonight. Some observations arise. One,
Roethlisberger sounds like he was in the middle of
starting a rap career by his slurred speech.
Reading from the gospel of It's Always Sunny in
Philadelphia, white guys that sound like rappers are
also most likely retarded. And Ben did get in
a motorcycle accident without using a helmet.
IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! Roethlisberger is
mentally handicapped and is only capable of playing
football! Or he's from Ohio. Same
difference. Also, WWE? A word?
Look, I know you're all about sending the fans home
happy. But once, JUST ONCE, can Jericho beat
HHH clean? I'm starting to think it's like,
physically impossible at this point. Like,
Jericho lays on top of Trips, and due to some
magnetic polarity or some bullshit, Jericho is
thrown off. But the other way around, WELL,
HHH can't help himself. It's science.
Yoshi Tatsu Vs. William Regal
Uh oh, looks like the
"cheer Yoshi Tatsu" bandwagon has come to a
screeching halt, because he got crickets coming out,
according to my TV. As did Regal, so very
unfortunate for both guys. Regal puts on the
subtle touches to sell that he was in a hurry to get
ready for his match, with the rushing to the ring,
and untied boot. Regal's pretty much a master
of things like that, which just adds to the awesome.
As a result, things
start out SLOWWW with Yoshi getting some shots in
before Regal gets the ref to separate the two.
This gets considerable boos, mainly because the
trentonians have more important things to do.
Like get robbed as soon as they step outside.
Anyway Regal gets a cheap shot or two in as a
result, but Japanese plucky babyfaceness prevails,
and Yoshi is teeing off on Regal going into the
Back from break, Regal
turns things around immediately, and goes to the
rest holds, choosing the chinlock from behind on the
ground. Smart. Especially since he
could've just as easily gone for the Regal Stretch
from that position, but NOPE, THIS MATCH MUST
CONTINUE. Regal goes for some nice looking
suplexes, but Yoshi is quick to battle back.
Tatsu hits his usual stuff and tops it off with a
discus elbow, but when he goes for the spinning heel
kick off the top (Striker dubs it the burning sword,
while throwing in every ninja/japan reference he can
in five seconds), he misses big time. Regal
looks to have things wrapped up and goes for the
running knee, but Tatsu pops up and takes Regal's
head off with the roundhouse kick. Regal's
foot is BLATANTLY under the rope, but apparently it
doesn't matter, as Yoshi still gets the three count.
What Stood Out:
Yoshi and Regal do it right...they get the crowd
popping through their in-ring action. I just
saw it happen. Of course, they could've been
getting booed/cheered from the start and for some
reason their entrance music was just on WAY TOO
LOUD, drowning out any and all fan enthusiasm.
Given Trenton's quality facilities, that's not that
bad of an explanation.
After the bell, Kozlov
and Jackson come out, with Tatsu reeling in the
corner outside the ring. Hmmm. Giant
muscle men in trunks eyeing a cowering Japanese?
I think I've seen Hentai start like this.
Anyway, instead of brutal rape/torture, they hop in
the ring and help Regal argue the outcome of the
match, because again, Regal blatantly put his foot
under the rope. For selling getting knocked
out, I didn't know you could freely move your feet
to a precise position while unconscious! I
guess we all learn something new every day.
Oh, and to drive the point home with the subtlety of
using a pneumatic pile driver to hammer a nail, they
replay the pin no less than three times, and Striker
says Regal had his foot under the rope no less than
five times. In a span of one minute.
Now THAT's beating a dead horse. Regal
continues to argue as the announcers hype a
Sheamus/Shelton match for Superstars, and right
Zack Ryder Vs. Christian
GAH THIS SHOW IS MOVING
TOO FAST FOR ME. Even as Ryder comes out,
Regal is STILL arguing with the ref over the
decision, going into break. Man, just LET. IT.
Back from break,
Striker is nice enough to point out how retarded
WWE's booking has been of late, stating the FACT of
Christian being the longest-reigning world champ of
the three brands. The fact that he's held the
title for longer than THREE WEEKS makes him the
longest reigning champ. That, my friends, is
JUST DAMN GOOD BUSINESS.
Things start off pretty
evenly, as Regal and his cronies look on from
ringside. I don't think they'll be a factor at
all, no sir. Man, Christian is looking YELLOW
tonight. GMGBT's rocking the hep C! So,
now that I've thuroughly ruined any possibility of
you jerkin' it to the GM, maybe I can talk about the
match. Ryder keeps it interesting, but
Christian stays one step ahead. He leapfrogs
over a charging Ryder, who then turns around into a
SHORYUKEN. This of course only gets a two
count, because only D.J. GABRIEL MAY GET A THREE
FROM THAT. From there, Christian gets
slingshotted into the bottom rope, then baseball
slid to the outside going into our last break.
Back from commercials,
Ryder is working an extended chinlock to the delight
of nobody at all. Christian gets a few shots
in, but a headbutt and leg bulldog from behind stop
that cold. Multiple two counts and ref arguing
follow. Basically the pattern is do a move,
cover for two for the next few minutes, before going
back to ANOTHER chinlock. Christian is able to
battle out again and hits an edge-o-matic for two,
and things go back and forth from there. Well,
for a little bit anyway, until Christian just starts
running wild, hitting a cross body off the top for
two. That corner kick he does and a tornado
DDT gets another two. Killswitch gets
countered into a NICE tiger bomb for a very close
two count. Ryder gets sent to the outside soon
after, and Christian gets another crossbody off the
top. Of course, the second he gets up, Kozlov
runs his ass over with a clothesline, causing the
What Stood Out:
Well, it was good while it lasted.
After the bell, Jackson
tosses Christian into the ring, where Regal is ready
to knock his ass out with a running knee.
After Lillian 2 announces Christian as the winner,
Ryder jumps in and is livid with Regal. So,
Regal and the ladies in red make my night and stomp
the shit out of Ryder. Once again Regal,
Kozlov, and Jackson are standing tall. I get
that they're building them as the dominant force,
but this is the what, 7th time a show's closed like
this? THE END.
Uppers: All of the matches were good
times tonight, so there's that. Thankfully,
that's a fairly common trait of ECW, so I've said
this shit a million times. The matches
Downers: ...the promos didn't.
That opening segment was one big-ass boring blur for
me. I like how they're driving the story of who the
next #1 contender should be and all, but yeah.
SNORE. And to cancel that out? Why,
ridiculous rapid-fire of segments? They were
cramming all sorts of shit between commercial breaks
tonight. Normally I'd be OK with that (more
bang for your buck and all), but how can we actually
be driven to CARE about anything if we're given all
of two seconds before we're off to the next item on
the list? What is this, TNA? Yep, it was
too easy, and I couldn't resist. Oh, and still
don't care for DQ finishes.
Overall: I imagine this report is
going to look WAY short on the site. Blame WWE.
It's certainly not because I was feeling lazy
Until next week, queefs.