Still standing here
in Boston! Finally got one, go me. And
we get into it right off the bat TO THE BACK with
Regal, who announces that General Manager Generic
Blonde Tiffany was in a horrible horrible accident,
so she can't make it tonight. DAMN IT!
Now where will I get my vapid blonde barbie dolls?!
On ECW I mean! As temporary GM Regal
decides to make things blah right away, changing the
main event from a rematch of the excellent
Ryder/Christian title match last week to Christian
Vs. Ryder, Regal, Kozlov, and Jackson. Yep,
that's what WWE needs more of. Handicap
matches. Don't see one of those every week or
After the opening
credits, Tony Atlas is out to do some opening
announcing of the Abraham Washington show. Abe
comes out and hypes up the PPV and Smackdown's tenth
anniversary show, which brings out Washington's
guest, John Morrison. Washington doesn't go
with the ripping on Morrison, and the two actually
have a decent back and forth. I'm still stuck
on why Smackdown guys are on the show, but whatever.
Morrison goes ahead and puts over the show, Atlas,
rips on Miz, and then proceeds to actually get to a
point by hyping up his IC championship match against
Dolph Ziggler Sunday. This brings out the
PG-ized porn star, and he doesn't even get a damn
word in. Morrison goes back to that God awful
"Mr. Ziggles" well again, as I sigh heartily.
Ziggler responds by getting uncomfortably close to
Morrison (I assume it was to convey intensity, but I
think this is how gay porn starts), but whenever he
tries to say anything, Morrison, Washington, and
Atlas take turns cutting him off. So, the
segment ends and everyone lives happily ever after.
Except for Ziggler who sits there with his
perma-scowl. Man, WWE is on a ROLL with
building challengers this week!
TO THE BACK AGAIN with
Regal on the phone with the ever-mysterious WWE
board of directors, who aren't pleased with Regal's
booking. As Ryder strolls into the office, he
complains that he doesn't need their help taking
care of Christian. Regal replies saying the
match has been made an 8-man affair now, with
Christian being joined by Yoshi Tatsu, Tommy
Dreamer, and Goldust. Ryder mumbles that they
wouldn't be in this mess if Regal didn't change the
match in the first place. Uh oh, heels not
agreeing with each other! I thought that right
was only reserved for face teams. Another
thought - face Ryder? OH GOD NO.
Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill
Vs. Shelton Benjamin
Katie going the classy
route tonight, wearing a top that no joke I've seen
in a paintball supply store. So, basically
she's a British redneck tonight.
And...hope you weren't
expecting a competitive match, because Shelton gets
haunted by a ghost as he walks down the ring.
Sheamus, fresh off his stint of being a newsie last
week, beats the HELL out of Benjamin and rolls him
into the ring. After a slight rest period, the
bell rings and Burchill tosses Shelton all over the
ring for several minutes. Shelton gets a few
shots in here and there, but all this match consists
of right now is Shelton getting stomped like he
wandered into a Klan rally looking for white girls
to hit on. Shelton is laying in the fetal
position on the outside as Paul gloats going into
Back from break,
Burchill is working the injured shoulder as they
replay the pre-match beating no less than 3 times so
far. Shelton gets a punch in here and there
but this is basically Burchill playing around with a
wrestling dummy at this point. However, a
desperation neckbreaker gives Shelton some offense,
but a clothesline stops that cold. Things go
up top soon after, and Shelton manages to knock
Burchill off and tries to go for a senton, but no
dice. Back to the arm holds, until Shelton
slings Burchill into the turnbuckle for some more
breathing room. From there, Burchill goes back
to work...for about 30 seconds, until he gets
Paydirt'd out of nowhere for the loss.
What Stood Out:
Hey, I'm all for Shelton looking good out there, but
DAMN is Pirate Paul a jobber magnifico or what?
DID YOU KNOW that
they're STILL doing these bumps? I didn't.
I'm sad now.
Focus is on the PPV match between Cena and Orton,
and...well, I have to vent a bit. Now, I'm not
what you call a marketing genius, WWE CEO, or booker
extrordinaire. However, I feel I know basic
logic pretty well. From my experience watching
wrestling, when the good guy has the belt, going
into a PPV you're supposed to, y'know, make the bad
guy look threatening. Like he could maybe win
the belt. Yeah, we aren't getting that with
these two. At this point, I'm convinced I
could sneeze on Randy Orton and that'd be enough to
get the pinfall. But it's not all him looking
like a total pussy, oh no. SuperCena strikes
again, and strikes HARD. By the end of the
segment, the tag champs are spitting up dirt, their
submissions have proven to be completely ineffective
(Just give Cena like 5 minutes and he can shrug off
a 20 minute beating no problem!), and probably next
to NO interest whatsoever for the PPV Sunday outside
of the kids that were going to get their parents to
buy it anyway. DAMN THAT'S GOOD BUSINESS.
Though it wasn't all bad. Noticing the
huge-ass holes in the side of the cage made me
laugh, because it brought me back to the days of the
old blue jungle gym cage, created pretty much
because Hogan couldn't climb a chain link
fence. Hooray for clumsy oafs!
TO THE BACK AGAIN
with Christian having a heart to heart with his
teammates. Yoshi Tatsu still rocks the engrish
hardcore, and Goldust rocks the tourette's just as
much. So, basically the segment morphs
instantly from a semi-serious moment to complete
William Regal, Vladimir Kozlov,
Ezekiel Jackson and Zack Ryder Vs. Goldust, Tommy
Dreamer, Yoshi Tatsu, and ECW Champion Christian
Oh I am NOT looking
forward to keeping track of this.
Ryder and Dreamer start
off, with Dreamer getting the early upper hand.
Goldust continues the beating on Ryder, but Ryder
slips away and Kozlov turns things around. Now
it's Goldust who slips out and in comes Yoshi off
the top to deliver kicky punishment to the Koz.
In comes Zeke who wails on Tatsu, but bombs on the
elbow drop leading to the tag to Goldust again.
Jackson, however, has none of that. He puts
Goldust down hard and Regal comes in to go to town.
Goldust is eventually able to slip out and tag in
Christian, who roughs up Ryder with a reverse DDT.
Sadly, he makes the unfortunate error of tagging in
Dreamer. Dreamer gets lots of offense in at
first (along with some fat jokes at the expense of
the announce team), but a British distraction lets
Ryder yank Dreamer off the top rope, and now the fun
begins. Regal stomps away on Dreamer going
Back from commercials,
Ezekiel is taking his turn on Dreamer, landing in
some body slams and a double underhook hold.
After Kozlov gets some time too, in comes Regal to
call Dreamer pathetic no less than 500 times.
This prompts Dreamer to deliver a overhand slap to
the tit of Regal, and Regal goes into SEIZURE OF
RAGE mode, pounding the everloving shit out of
Dreamer. Jackson comes back in, but a missed
lariat lets Dreamer tag out to Christian, who...does
pretty much nothing but get launched to the outside,
leading to the heels taking turns beating on him
now. What a champ. Christian does get in
some hope shots here and there, but it's pretty much
ALL bad guys stomping away for like 5 minutes
straight. Hmm, looks like Ryder's hair is
thinning in the back a bit. Long Island Guidos
abusing steroids? Now I've seen everything!
Christian is eventually able to battle Kozlov off of
him, leading to the hot tag to Yoshi Tatsu.
Tatsu rolls on Ryder, hitting flashy offense galore.
A SEVERELY overshot spinning heel kick off the top
gets two, and shit breaks down from there.
Good guys take most of the bad guys to the outside,
as a springboard cross body from Christian to the
outside bowls everyone over. Regal sneaks in
the blind tag and tries to sneak a win, but Yoshi
answers that with a roundhouse to the face for the
Tommy Dreamer, Yoshi Tatsu, and Christian
What Stood Out:
WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE. Also, congrats to Yoshi,
as it looks like they're really taking him seriously
over in ECW land. I guess Vince can relate to
a guy who creepily hits on women, regardless of
nationality. Remember kids, sexual harassment
gets you nothing but rewards!
Faces celebrate, heels
retreat up the ramp in shame. Come on, surely
you know the drill by now. THE END.
Uppers: Both matches were
entertaining. Not great, not horrible.
I'm more curious as to what the HELL they are doing
with the ECW title, as it's very much anyone's guess
right now. Regal? Ryder? Who the
hell is the challenger at this point? It's
actually somewhat intriguing. Though as a
result, there's probably not going to be any ECW
match on Sunday. I'm sure someone out there's
torn up about that. I'm not that person.
Downers: Couple of people got
straight up BURIED tonight. First up, Dolph
Ziggler. How does a constipated look = a
credible challenger? Add on that he doesn't
even get to say a WORD at all, and you have quite
the snoozer for Sunday. I like Morrison and
all, but at this point I'm kind of hoping for
Ziggler to just straight DESTROY his ass just to not
make him look like a total chump. Next up we
have Paul Burchill. Not that he was exactly a
perennial main eventer in the first place, but
still. It would've been OK for Shelton to lose
this one. He was SAVAGELY beaten by Sheamus,
so losing a match because of that would've heated
their feud up a bit, and given Paul some credibility
in the process for his feud with the Hurricane.
EVERYBODY WINS! Nope, nope, not tonight.
Instead Paul is that guy who can't beat a one-armed
man apparently. Boy, I sure hope Hurricane is
prepared for such a mighty threat! Superman
booking really is the pits, mainly because one guy
is made to look like a total bitch in the process.
Hulk Hogan was cool in the 80's. It's 2009 for
Overall: Definitely a quality over
quantity show tonight, as a solid TWO matches is all
we get. That being said, both matches were
decent fare, so I'm not complaining. It sure
beats trying to cram five bite-sized matches into
one hour, which they've done in the past.
Soooooo...thumbs in the middle for tonight.
I'd watch it again if I had to. But I don't,
so I won't.
And that'll do it for
this week. Feedback's always appreciated, so
get to e-mailing. I'm lonely. *winks*