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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(09/29/09)
 
And here we are again, with another round of the ECW Report.  Like herpes, it's the gift that keeps on giving.
 
Just a quick tidbit before we get into it, and it DOES have to do with wrestling, so rejoice!  In particular, next week's guest GM for Raw - Ben Roethlisberger.  For the international folks, he's an American Football quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers.  As a result, you probably don't give a shit about him.  However, some observations spring to mind.  One, obviously this is to combat the game next Monday night football game/Brett Favre verbal fellatio session.  It'll fail, by the way. Secondly, Ben is in the WRONG part of the state (Wilkes-Barre is on the opposite end of Pennsylvania and much closer to Philadelphia), so I am predicting mighty boos as soon as he shows his face.  Finally, more of a wish than an observation.  "American Bad-Ass" Bendertaker.  ...What?  Roethlisberger and motorcycles go GREAT together!
 

Still standing here in Boston!  Finally got one, go me.  And we get into it right off the bat TO THE BACK with Regal, who announces that General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany was in a horrible horrible accident, so she can't make it tonight.  DAMN IT!  Now where will I get my vapid blonde barbie dolls?!  On ECW I mean!  As temporary GM  Regal decides to make things blah right away, changing the main event from a rematch of the excellent Ryder/Christian title match last week to Christian Vs. Ryder, Regal, Kozlov, and Jackson.  Yep, that's what WWE needs more of.  Handicap matches.  Don't see one of those every week or anything.
 
After the opening credits, Tony Atlas is out to do some opening announcing of the Abraham Washington show.  Abe comes out and hypes up the PPV and Smackdown's tenth anniversary show, which brings out Washington's guest, John Morrison.  Washington doesn't go with the ripping on Morrison, and the two actually have a decent back and forth.  I'm still stuck on why Smackdown guys are on the show, but whatever.  Morrison goes ahead and puts over the show, Atlas, rips on Miz, and then proceeds to actually get to a point by hyping up his IC championship match against Dolph Ziggler Sunday.  This brings out the PG-ized porn star, and he doesn't even get a damn word in.  Morrison goes back to that God awful "Mr. Ziggles" well again, as I sigh heartily.  Ziggler responds by getting uncomfortably close to Morrison (I assume it was to convey intensity, but I think this is how gay porn starts), but whenever he tries to say anything, Morrison, Washington, and Atlas take turns cutting him off.  So, the segment ends and everyone lives happily ever after.  Except for Ziggler who sits there with his perma-scowl.  Man, WWE is on a ROLL with building challengers this week!
 
TO THE BACK AGAIN with Regal on the phone with the ever-mysterious WWE board of directors, who aren't pleased with Regal's booking.  As Ryder strolls into the office, he complains that he doesn't need their help taking care of Christian.  Regal replies saying the match has been made an 8-man affair now, with Christian being joined by Yoshi Tatsu, Tommy Dreamer, and Goldust.  Ryder mumbles that they wouldn't be in this mess if Regal didn't change the match in the first place.  Uh oh, heels not agreeing with each other!  I thought that right was only reserved for face teams.  Another thought - face Ryder?  OH GOD NO.
 

Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill Vs. Shelton Benjamin
 
Katie going the classy route tonight, wearing a top that no joke I've seen in a paintball supply store.  So, basically she's a British redneck tonight. 
 
And...hope you weren't expecting a competitive match, because Shelton gets haunted by a ghost as he walks down the ring.  Sheamus, fresh off his stint of being a newsie last week, beats the HELL out of Benjamin and rolls him into the ring.  After a slight rest period, the bell rings and Burchill tosses Shelton all over the ring for several minutes.  Shelton gets a few shots in here and there, but all this match consists of right now is Shelton getting stomped like he wandered into a Klan rally looking for white girls to hit on.  Shelton is laying in the fetal position on the outside as Paul gloats going into break.
 
Back from break, Burchill is working the injured shoulder as they replay the pre-match beating no less than 3 times so far.  Shelton gets a punch in here and there but this is basically Burchill playing around with a wrestling dummy at this point.  However, a desperation neckbreaker gives Shelton some offense, but a clothesline stops that cold.  Things go up top soon after, and Shelton manages to knock Burchill off and tries to go for a senton, but no dice.  Back to the arm holds, until Shelton slings Burchill into the turnbuckle for some more breathing room.  From there, Burchill goes back to work...for about 30 seconds, until he gets Paydirt'd out of nowhere for the loss.
 
Winner:  Shelton Benjamin
 
What Stood Out:  Hey, I'm all for Shelton looking good out there, but DAMN is Pirate Paul a jobber magnifico or what?
 

DID YOU KNOW that they're STILL doing these bumps?  I didn't.  I'm sad now.
 

RECAP TIME.  Focus is on the PPV match between Cena and Orton, and...well, I have to vent a bit.  Now, I'm not what you call a marketing genius, WWE CEO, or booker extrordinaire.  However, I feel I know basic logic pretty well.  From my experience watching wrestling, when the good guy has the belt, going into a PPV you're supposed to, y'know, make the bad guy look threatening.  Like he could maybe win the belt.  Yeah, we aren't getting that with these two.  At this point, I'm convinced I could sneeze on Randy Orton and that'd be enough to get the pinfall.  But it's not all him looking like a total pussy, oh no.  SuperCena strikes again, and strikes HARD.  By the end of the segment, the tag champs are spitting up dirt, their submissions have proven to be completely ineffective (Just give Cena like 5 minutes and he can shrug off a 20 minute beating no problem!), and probably next to NO interest whatsoever for the PPV Sunday outside of the kids that were going to get their parents to buy it anyway.  DAMN THAT'S GOOD BUSINESS.  Though it wasn't all bad.  Noticing the huge-ass holes in the side of the cage made me laugh, because it brought me back to the days of the old blue jungle gym cage, created pretty much because Hogan  couldn't climb a chain link fence.  Hooray for clumsy oafs!
 

TO THE BACK AGAIN with Christian having a heart to heart with his teammates.  Yoshi Tatsu still rocks the engrish hardcore, and Goldust rocks the tourette's just as much.  So, basically the segment morphs instantly from a semi-serious moment to complete comedy.  Yay.
 
William Regal, Vladimir Kozlov, Ezekiel Jackson and Zack Ryder Vs. Goldust, Tommy Dreamer, Yoshi Tatsu, and ECW Champion Christian
 
Oh I am NOT looking forward to keeping track of this.
 
Ryder and Dreamer start off, with Dreamer getting the early upper hand.  Goldust continues the beating on Ryder, but Ryder slips away and Kozlov turns things around.  Now it's Goldust who slips out and in comes Yoshi off the top to deliver kicky punishment to the Koz.  In comes Zeke who wails on Tatsu, but bombs on the elbow drop leading to the tag to Goldust again.  Jackson, however, has none of that.  He puts Goldust down hard and Regal comes in to go to town.  Goldust is eventually able to slip out and tag in Christian, who roughs up Ryder with a reverse DDT.  Sadly, he makes the unfortunate error of tagging in Dreamer.  Dreamer gets lots of offense in at first (along with some fat jokes at the expense of the announce team), but a British distraction lets Ryder yank Dreamer off the top rope, and now the fun begins.  Regal stomps away on Dreamer going into break.
 
Back from commercials, Ezekiel is taking his turn on Dreamer, landing in some body slams and a double underhook hold.  After Kozlov gets some time too, in comes Regal to call Dreamer pathetic no less than 500 times.  This prompts Dreamer to deliver a overhand slap to the tit of Regal, and Regal goes into SEIZURE OF RAGE mode, pounding the everloving shit out of Dreamer.  Jackson comes back in, but a missed lariat lets Dreamer tag out to Christian, who...does pretty much nothing but get launched to the outside, leading to the heels taking turns beating on him now.  What a champ.  Christian does get in some hope shots here and there, but it's pretty much ALL bad guys stomping away for like 5 minutes straight.  Hmm, looks like Ryder's hair is thinning in the back a bit.  Long Island Guidos abusing steroids?  Now I've seen everything!  Christian is eventually able to battle Kozlov off of him, leading to the hot tag to Yoshi Tatsu.  Tatsu rolls on Ryder, hitting flashy offense galore.  A SEVERELY overshot spinning heel kick off the top gets two, and shit breaks down from there.  Good guys take most of the bad guys to the outside, as a springboard cross body from Christian to the outside bowls everyone over.  Regal sneaks in the blind tag and tries to sneak a win, but Yoshi answers that with a roundhouse to the face for the win.
 
Winner:  Goldust, Tommy Dreamer, Yoshi Tatsu, and Christian
 
What Stood Out:  WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE.  Also, congrats to Yoshi, as it looks like they're really taking him seriously over in ECW land.  I guess Vince can relate to a guy who creepily hits on women, regardless of nationality.  Remember kids, sexual harassment gets you nothing but rewards!
 
Faces celebrate, heels retreat up the ramp in shame.  Come on, surely you know the drill by now.  THE END.
 

Uppers:  Both matches were entertaining.  Not great, not horrible.  I'm more curious as to what the HELL they are doing with the ECW title, as it's very much anyone's guess right now.  Regal?  Ryder?  Who the hell is the challenger at this point?  It's actually somewhat intriguing.  Though as a result, there's probably not going to be any ECW match on Sunday.  I'm sure someone out there's torn up about that.  I'm not that person.
 
Downers:  Couple of people got straight up BURIED tonight.  First up, Dolph Ziggler.  How does a constipated look = a credible challenger?  Add on that he doesn't even get to say a WORD at all, and you have quite the snoozer for Sunday.  I like Morrison and all, but at this point I'm kind of hoping for Ziggler to just straight DESTROY his ass just to not make him look like a total chump.  Next up we have Paul Burchill.  Not that he was exactly a perennial main eventer in the first place, but still.  It would've been OK for Shelton to lose this one.  He was SAVAGELY beaten by Sheamus, so losing a match because of that would've heated their feud up a bit, and given Paul some credibility in the process for his feud with the Hurricane.  EVERYBODY WINS!  Nope, nope, not tonight.  Instead Paul is that guy who can't beat a one-armed man apparently.  Boy, I sure hope Hurricane is prepared for such a mighty threat!  Superman booking really is the pits, mainly because one guy is made to look like a total bitch in the process.  Hulk Hogan was cool in the 80's.  It's 2009 for Christ's sake.
 
Overall:  Definitely a quality over quantity show tonight, as a solid TWO matches is all we get.  That being said, both matches were decent fare, so I'm not complaining.  It sure beats trying to cram five bite-sized matches into one hour, which they've done in the past.  Soooooo...thumbs in the middle for tonight.  I'd watch it again if I had to.  But I don't, so I won't.
 
And that'll do it for this week.  Feedback's always appreciated, so get to e-mailing.  I'm lonely.  *winks*
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).