Still standing here
in...DAMN IT! Missed it again! Man, I am
on a ROLL with not caring enough to spot the
location of the arena. And from bad to worse,
ABRAHAM WASHINGTON SHOW GO! Now new and
improved with mini-headset on Abe. Sure,
that's the descriptor I'm sticking with. And
the Tony Atlas guffaws start. Out comes
Sheamus now, looking like...well, probably half of
my family. Washington opens up with some
"Sheamus is ridiculously white" jokes, which frankly
were funny. Therefore, they have no place in
this report. Sheamus comes back with a lame
"Sanford and Son" crack. Tony jumps in, saying
Sheamus looks like the Lucky Charms Leprechaun.
INCINERATION. YOU ARE THE INSULT MASTER.
Sheamus then goes on ranting about how Shelton is a
glory hog and all that, and off comes the cap,
exposing a decidedly un-Guile-like mop on his head.
Out comes Shelton, who after some jaw jacking goes
to explain his side, that as a team, if Benjamin
wins, so does Sheamus. Sounds reasonable
enough. So of COURSE Sheamus decides to go to
the Klan well and basically stereotypes Black people
as thieves and such. Normally I'd be APPALLED
by this, but frankly Irish people are pretty damn
racist, so this was pretty accurate, if still custom
bred for cheap heat. Shelton retaliates by
showing Sheamus' family tree, featuring (of course)
Bozo the clown, Wendy, Ronald McDonald, Carrot Top,
and Pippi Longstocking. This leads to the two
getting up in each other faces, and when Shelton
turns his back, they proceed to have the worst
pull-apart brawl I think I've seen in a long time.
Messing up furniture and security intervention
follows. The ending aside, this was good
times. Please note I tuned out Tony Atlas
pretty much immediately, because those laughs were
just NON. STOP. HOLY CHRIST, TONE IT DOWN.
Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill Vs.
Yoshi Tatsu w/ More Misawa Goodness
Yes, in fact I DID
notice the green tights last week were a tribute to
the late great. I is smart.
It's pretty much
allllllll Tatsu for the first few minutes, hitting
some high-flying moves and all those things oriental
wrestlers are compelled to do. A nice pescado
tops this off. However, a pirate hooker Katie
distraction allows Paul to catch Yoshi on the top
and drops him with a fisherman's buster off the top.
Ow. After that, it's pretty much allllll
Burchill, locking in the chinlockage, full nelson
with bodyscissors, and other boring shit that wasn't
cool since 1983. Josh decides to preach the
truth and just says "Paul Burchill has slowed this
match down to a grinding halt." Is there such
a thing as being TOO accurate? Yoshi finally
breaks out and rolls on Paul, hitting a spinning
heel kick off the top for two. Somehow I don't
think Candice Michelle would be doing that anytime
soon. Especially since she's not wrestling.
I don't know about you, but I'm not snapping off
german suplexes at random when I'm sitting at home
scratching my balls. OK, that was a bit
random. Paul then rams Yoshi into the
turnbuckle, stunning him long enough for Paul to hit
a brutal looking knee drop off the top rope for two.
Man, hope he doesn't plan on WALKING for a while.
Yoshi then settles for nailing a roundhouse OUTTA
NOWHERE for the win.
What Stood Out:
So, a spinning wheel kick off the top rope doesn't
win it, so let's settle for a straight kick to the
head instead for the finisher. LAME.
That being said, the moves off the top in this match
TO THE BACK for a
pointless waste of time, as Chinese Interviewer asks
Zack Ryder's thoughts on his match tonight. A
short, uninspired, and bland as all hell promo
follows. Basically, awful enough to bring
Ryder back down to status quo, cancelling out any
awesomeness he built up last week.
ALSO IN THE BACK, with
Paul Burchill storming off after his thousanth loss,
leaving Gregory Helms to interview Katie Lea alone.
Katie flips on him, blaming him for all of Paul's
bad luck. Um, yeah, he was jobbing like crazy
before this storyline, so he didn't need Helms'
help. Paul proceeds to jump poor Gregory,
yelling at Katie to stay away from him, and that
he's not done with Helms. THIS FEUD MUST
Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson w/
William Regal Vs. Who cares, they're skinny and
white so you know how this one ends already
Gee I wonder who wins?
For the record, this match was ETERNAL, and killed
the crowd deader than dead. Also for the
record, Negronage ends this one.
Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson
What Stood Out:
Jackson looked awesome. Kozlov didn't.
After the bell, the
non-pinned jobber gets a MOBH from the Koz for good
measure. The axis of ridiculousness stands
tall for about 2 minutes straight, making you think
this show's over. Nope, just a little over
TO THE BACK ONCE
AGAIN, said axis accosts Goldust supposedly making
himself useful, but really he's just standing there.
Regal calls Goldust a joke and that only he has the
prestige to be champion. Goldust tries to make
a comeback but fails miserably, and Regal strolls
away. After the opening segment, it has NOT
been a kind night for words tonight.
YAY! See, I can stand Smackdown video
packages, because Smackdown is a GOOD show, you see.
Anyway, this package focuses on Teddy pulling the
Montreal Screwjob v. 213.0 on Undertaker at Breaking
Point. Yes, complete with ridiculous "Buckle
Up, Teddy" segment. That Undertaker is such a
role model, minding everyone's car safety.
"We're on our way for me to do unspeakable horrors
to you, but if you don't PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT, I
WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW MISTER!"
ECW Championship Match, Christian Vs. Zack
Well, looks like
they're going to give this battle of the spiked
blondes some time, as the entrances started at
10:45. I still have no clue what Ryder's music
has to do with him. However, the same can be
said about a LOT of themes with lyrics. Why,
Christian's music comes to mind! WHAT A
COINCIDENCE! Those two should have a match!
Things start off slow,
with Christian opening up with a pair of pride
obliterating bitch slaps, covering quick for a two
count. Seriously. A stray wind will get
a near fall off a guy nowadays. Christian even
does a "this close" gesture from it. The pace
picks up in a hurry though, with Zack stomping away
on Christian before things spill do the outside.
Christian on the apron bunny hops over a trip
attempt by Ryder, knocking him down long enough to
hit the springboard cross-body to the outside.
Things go back inside, and as faces like to do,
Christian goes up top again immediately, but is
tripped up by Ryder, who gets a near fall off of
that. Ryder returns the "this close" gesture
going into break, and I have to say, it's already
better than the last time the two of them fought.
Yep, they've had a match before. Sorry to BLOW
YOUR MIND and everything.
Back from the break,
Zack BAAAAAAAACK BODY DROPs a charging Christian for
a two count. It didn't work because no
charding Christian is complete without a Bible to be
thumping! Things go to the outside soon after,
with Ryder shoving the champ into the steel steps of
legality. This results in it being all Ryder
for the next few minutes, with focus on the ab area.
Ryder throws a few headbutts in there for good
measure. Or no reason. I can't decide
which. Christian flapjacks Ryder as he comes
off the top, and Christian is up first to roll on
Ryder. Ryder tries a leg lariat, but Christian
turns it into a reverse DDT and running elbow to a
seated Ryder. Missile dropkick, getting caught
on the top, dodging a Zack Attack all follow.
It's basically a counter-fest from here on out, with
a lot of CLOSE counts. Awesome.
Eventually, Christian is able to stun Ryder long
enough to hit a quick SHORYUKEN, and lands the
Killswitch to pick up the win, and a big pop to
What Stood Out:
They actually made me believe ZACK RYDER was going
to win the title. THAT is the sign of a good
After the bell,
Zack rolls out and disappears from existence, and
out comes Regal to declare that sooner or later,
he's going to be #1 contender again. Christian
has none of that shit and sends him packing with a
few rights. The Champ stands tall with his
music blaring as Regal backtracks mumbling British
gibberish. Fantastic stuff. THE END.
Uppers: The main event immediately
springs to mind. Just a great fast-paced back
and forth affair that kept my eyes glued to the TV.
Zack is really starting to come into his own on ECW
- hey, credit where it's due. Still loathe the
gimmick though. Yoshi/Burchill was good stuff
too, but Paul has been pretty consistent with
delivering good matches. Actually WINNING the
match, well that still needs some work. Finally,
Abraham Washington's segment this week...wasn't that
bad. If he can continue to do THAT, maybe I'll
turn the corner on him and actually ENJOY his crap.
Baby steps for now though.
Downers: Really, just the squash
match and backstage segments fell into this category
tonight. Not a fan of squashes, and the
non-Abraham Washington Show promos fell flatter than
a pancake I ran over with my car.
Overall: GREAT wrestling show
tonight, as when the match wasn't quick, it was damn
good. And Abraham Washington's segment was
funny! Come on, you can't ask for much more
And that'll do it.
Have to hand it to them, I wasn't in that much of a
writing mood tonight, but they just pulled me in.