Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(09/22/09)
 
Welcome back to the report.  I have a feeling, that tonight's gonna be a short report.  And yes, I did just rip-off that corny-ass Black Eyed Peas song.  Mazel Tov!
 
So, anybody care to give me the cliff's notes version of Raw last night?  I just had no interest in seeing it (because as a suburban white male who likes heavy metal, Cedric the Entertainer's act is CLEARLY targeted at my demographic), and I just got home from a hard day of nerdin' it up.  So yeah, don't know, don't care.  I assume Orton still looks like total shit?  Hornswoggle's still employed?  WWE's grasping at straws to not be completely destroyed in the ratings by Monday Night Football?  Yes?  Sounds like I didn't miss a thing then.  Let's get to it.

Still standing here in...DAMN IT!  Missed it again!  Man, I am on a ROLL with not caring enough to spot the location of the arena.  And from bad to worse, ABRAHAM WASHINGTON SHOW GO!  Now new and improved with mini-headset on Abe.  Sure, that's the descriptor I'm sticking with.  And the Tony Atlas guffaws start.  Out comes Sheamus now, looking like...well, probably half of my family.  Washington opens up with some "Sheamus is ridiculously white" jokes, which frankly were funny.  Therefore, they have no place in this report.  Sheamus comes back with a lame "Sanford and Son" crack.  Tony jumps in, saying Sheamus looks like the Lucky Charms Leprechaun.  INCINERATION.  YOU ARE THE INSULT MASTER.  Sheamus then goes on ranting about how Shelton is a glory hog and all that, and off comes the cap, exposing a decidedly un-Guile-like mop on his head.  Out comes Shelton, who after some jaw jacking goes to explain his side, that as a team, if Benjamin wins, so does Sheamus.  Sounds reasonable enough.  So of COURSE Sheamus decides to go to the Klan well and basically stereotypes Black people as thieves and such.  Normally I'd be APPALLED by this, but frankly Irish people are pretty damn racist, so this was pretty accurate, if still custom bred for cheap heat.  Shelton retaliates by showing Sheamus' family tree, featuring (of course) Bozo the clown, Wendy, Ronald McDonald, Carrot Top, and Pippi Longstocking.  This leads to the two getting up in each other faces, and when Shelton turns his back, they proceed to have the worst pull-apart brawl I think I've seen in a long time.  Messing up furniture and security intervention follows.  The ending aside, this was good times.  Please note I tuned out Tony Atlas pretty much immediately, because those laughs were just NON. STOP.  HOLY CHRIST, TONE IT DOWN.
 

Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill Vs. Yoshi Tatsu w/ More Misawa Goodness
 
Yes, in fact I DID notice the green tights last week were a tribute to the late great.  I is smart.
 
It's pretty much allllllll Tatsu for the first few minutes, hitting some high-flying moves and all those things oriental wrestlers are compelled to do.  A nice pescado tops this off.  However, a pirate hooker Katie distraction allows Paul to catch Yoshi on the top and drops him with a fisherman's buster off the top.  Ow.  After that, it's pretty much allllll Burchill, locking in the chinlockage, full nelson with bodyscissors, and other boring shit that wasn't cool since 1983.  Josh decides to preach the truth and just says "Paul Burchill has slowed this match down to a grinding halt."  Is there such a thing as being TOO accurate?  Yoshi finally breaks out and rolls on Paul, hitting a spinning heel kick off the top for two.  Somehow I don't think Candice Michelle would be doing that anytime soon.  Especially since she's not wrestling.  I don't know about you, but I'm not snapping off german suplexes at random when I'm sitting at home scratching my balls.  OK, that was a bit random.  Paul then rams Yoshi into the turnbuckle, stunning him long enough for Paul to hit a brutal looking knee drop off the top rope for two.  Man, hope he doesn't plan on WALKING for a while.  Yoshi then settles for nailing a roundhouse OUTTA NOWHERE for the win.
 
Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu
 
What Stood Out:  So, a spinning wheel kick off the top rope doesn't win it, so let's settle for a straight kick to the head instead for the finisher.  LAME.  That being said, the moves off the top in this match were DY-NO-MITE.
 

TO THE BACK for a pointless waste of time, as Chinese Interviewer asks Zack Ryder's thoughts on his match tonight.  A short, uninspired, and bland as all hell promo follows.  Basically, awful enough to bring Ryder back down to status quo, cancelling out any awesomeness he built up last week.
 
ALSO IN THE BACK, with Paul Burchill storming off after his thousanth loss, leaving Gregory Helms to interview Katie Lea alone.  Katie flips on him, blaming him for all of Paul's bad luck.  Um, yeah, he was jobbing like crazy before this storyline, so he didn't need Helms' help.  Paul proceeds to jump poor Gregory, yelling at Katie to stay away from him, and that he's not done with Helms.  THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE.
 

Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson w/ William Regal Vs. Who cares, they're skinny and white so you know how this one ends already
 
Gee I wonder who wins?  For the record, this match was ETERNAL, and killed the crowd deader than dead.  Also for the record, Negronage ends this one.
 
Winner:  Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson
 
What Stood Out:  Jackson looked awesome.  Kozlov didn't.
 
After the bell, the non-pinned jobber gets a MOBH from the Koz for good measure.  The axis of ridiculousness stands tall for about 2 minutes straight, making you think this show's over.  Nope, just a little over halfway done.
 

TO THE BACK ONCE AGAIN, said axis accosts Goldust supposedly making himself useful, but really he's just standing there.  Regal calls Goldust a joke and that only he has the prestige to be champion.  Goldust tries to make a comeback but fails miserably, and Regal strolls away.  After the opening segment, it has NOT been a kind night for words tonight.
 

SMACKDOWN RECAP!  YAY!  See, I can stand Smackdown video packages, because Smackdown is a GOOD show, you see.  Anyway, this package focuses on Teddy pulling the Montreal Screwjob v. 213.0 on Undertaker at Breaking Point.  Yes, complete with ridiculous "Buckle Up, Teddy" segment.  That Undertaker is such a role model, minding everyone's car safety.  "We're on our way for me to do unspeakable horrors to you, but if you don't PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT, I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW MISTER!"
 

ECW Championship Match, Christian Vs. Zack Ryder
 
Well, looks like they're going to give this battle of the spiked blondes some time, as the entrances started at 10:45.  I still have no clue what Ryder's music has to do with him.  However, the same can be said about a LOT of themes with lyrics.  Why, Christian's music comes to mind!  WHAT A COINCIDENCE!  Those two should have a match!
 
Things start off slow, with Christian opening up with a pair of pride obliterating bitch slaps, covering quick for a two count.  Seriously.  A stray wind will get a near fall off a guy nowadays.  Christian even does a "this close" gesture from it.  The pace picks up in a hurry though, with Zack stomping away on Christian before things spill do the outside.  Christian on the apron bunny hops over a trip attempt by Ryder, knocking him down long enough to hit the springboard cross-body to the outside.  Things go back inside, and as faces like to do, Christian goes up top again immediately, but is tripped up by Ryder, who gets a near fall off of that.  Ryder returns the "this close" gesture going into break, and I have to say, it's already better than the last time the two of them fought.  Yep, they've had a match before.  Sorry to BLOW YOUR MIND and everything.
 
Back from the break, Zack BAAAAAAAACK BODY DROPs a charging Christian for a two count.  It didn't work because no charding Christian is complete without a Bible to be thumping!  Things go to the outside soon after, with Ryder shoving the champ into the steel steps of legality.  This results in it being all Ryder for the next few minutes, with focus on the ab area.  Ryder throws a few headbutts in there for good measure.  Or no reason.  I can't decide which.  Christian flapjacks Ryder as he comes off the top, and Christian is up first to roll on Ryder.  Ryder tries a leg lariat, but Christian turns it into a reverse DDT and running elbow to a seated Ryder.  Missile dropkick, getting caught on the top, dodging a Zack Attack all follow.  It's basically a counter-fest from here on out, with a lot of CLOSE counts.  Awesome.  Eventually, Christian is able to stun Ryder long enough to hit a quick SHORYUKEN, and lands the Killswitch to pick up the win, and a big pop to match.
 
Winner:  Christian
 
What Stood Out:  They actually made me believe ZACK RYDER was going to win the title.  THAT is the sign of a good match.
 

After the bell, Zack rolls out and disappears from existence, and out comes Regal to declare that sooner or later, he's going to be #1 contender again.  Christian has none of that shit and sends him packing with a few rights.  The Champ stands tall with his music blaring as Regal backtracks mumbling British gibberish.  Fantastic stuff.  THE END.
 

Uppers:  The main event immediately springs to mind.  Just a great fast-paced back and forth affair that kept my eyes glued to the TV.  Zack is really starting to come into his own on ECW - hey, credit where it's due.  Still loathe the gimmick though.  Yoshi/Burchill was good stuff too, but Paul has been pretty consistent with delivering good matches.  Actually WINNING the match, well that still needs some work. Finally, Abraham Washington's segment this week...wasn't that bad.  If he can continue to do THAT, maybe I'll turn the corner on him and actually ENJOY his crap.  Baby steps for now though.
 
Downers:  Really, just the squash match and backstage segments fell into this category tonight.  Not a fan of squashes, and the non-Abraham Washington Show promos fell flatter than a pancake I ran over with my car.
 
Overall:  GREAT wrestling show tonight, as when the match wasn't quick, it was damn good.  And Abraham Washington's segment was funny!  Come on, you can't ask for much more than that.
 
And that'll do it.  Have to hand it to them, I wasn't in that much of a writing mood tonight, but they just pulled me in.  Those bastards.
 
SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).