Welcome back to the ECW report.  I’d put something witty here if I had it.  However, I’m just chock full of soul crushing rage.  Why?  Well, read on…

 

So, starting this week, I became a contributing member of society again.  Normally, this would be a cause for celebration, as I now will have the capital to feed my crippling addiction to hookers and coke. But NAY IS WHAT I SAY.  NAY.  Because in my long hiatus from being productive, I had forgot how horrible traffic can be around here.  And the best part?  They somehow made it WORSE.  See, some political GENIUS decided one of the major interstates in the area should get a complete overhaul.  While like three other major roads are under construction as well.  Oh, and this road is like RIGHT NEXT to where I live.  So, what becomes a 5-minute segment of my commute now becomes more like a half hour, because closing lanes during rush hour is a BRILLIANT idea, right?  Oh, and the best part?  I looked up the little project online.  Guess when it’s planned to be completed?  2012.  At which point another construction will immediately begin to overhaul a different segment, one that’s debatably even busier.  WHAT THE FUCK.  I demand a bridge collapse as proof that this construction needs to be done.

 

On a lighter note, how about Trish last night?  Blonde or brunette, no joke, that chick is HOT.  But sheesh, her Canadian accent was out in full force last night.  Not that it matters, seeing how it was a one-time nostalgia thing.  Also, something was just a little iffy, namely her mouth.  Seriously, that thing was huge.  I was half expecting her to unhinge her jaw a la Violator and swallow MVP whole after her match last night.  That’d be some AWESOME ratings, that’s for sure.  Oh, and there was some other shit in there, notably Batista going off to doom Smackdown and Orton looking like the worst challenger for a world title this side of Bob Holly.  But who cares?  TRISH, DAMN IT.  Let’s get to it.

 

 

Still standing here in…Canada?  Maybe?  Cowbell immediately opens up the show, as General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany’s ridiculous music brings her out to the ring.  And you know what that means…KINDERGARTENER ENUNCIATION TIME.  However, that’s brought to a screeching halt very quickly (thank God) when William Regal and his men in red come out to interrupt.  Regal begins to kiss ass immediately in a meek voice, as I secretly hope he goes into a seizure of rage again.  Please make it happen.  GMGBT explains that she banned the reds from ringside to keep things fair, and that Regal is not getting a rematch, opting to hold a battle royal for the #1 contendership, and Regal is NOT invited.  Instead he gets to wrestle in a suit against:

 

William Regal w/ Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson Vs. The Hurricane

 

Maybe it’s just me going slowly insane from this show, but I could’ve SWORN I heard GMGBT talking as Hurricane was making his entrance.  Considering ECW is taped now, I am pretty sure I’m just crazy.  Then again, they do leave all sorts of crap on Smackdown no problem…

 

Out of the commercial break, Hurricane just wails on Regal non-stop, and it’s getting ugly.  Like near squash match levels of hilarity going on here.  Back body drop, running cross body, cross body off the top rope, and pretty much ZERO offense from Regal.  After the top rope cross body scores two, Regal decides to go “fuck this shit” and bails on the match.  However, when Hurricane catches him and tries to get him back in the ring, Regal’s there with the running knee, which scores the three.

 

Winner:  William Regal

 

What Stood Out:  So basically all of Hurricane’s offense is no match for a running knee.  Way to make a guy look credible!

 

After the bell, SURPRISE!  Paul Burchill runs in from the crowd to deliver more punishment on Hurricane.  He ends things with (I guess) his new finisher, a Jackhammer.  Well the last guy to use that convincingly had a good run, right?  Surely Burchill will be seen as threatening and compelling now.  Surely.  Yes I know I’m deluding myself.

 

 

TO THE BACK with Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu, and good God Yoshi’s learning Engrish.  From Goldust.  After including his stuttering gimmick for predictable chuckles, in pops Zack Ryder, fresh off making baby Jesus cry from last week.  Yoshi calls Zack a loser and Zack plays the Long Islander Guido douche to a T, challenging Yoshi to a match.  Congrats Zack, you’ve entertained me by being yourself.

 

 

ALSO IN THE BACK, and that Asian chick catches up to Burchill to ask him about what he did.  He promises to expose Hurricane as a fraud and eliminate him, before proclaiming that he’s going to win the battle royal tonight.  Eh, one can dream.

 

 

So, not only do the Bellas do something that warrants them being employed in the WWE (special guest ring announcing, nope not anything really WRESTLING related), they apparently do it so well, they get new entrance music!  And I must say “you can look but you can’t touch” is a pretty un-face like line…uh oh.  Bella heel turn.  Horror.  Anyway, a match!

 

Yoshi Tatsu Vs. Zack Ryder

 

Yoshi is wearing green tonight.  Pre-emptive strike on any Super Mario World jokes.

 

Arm drags aplenty open this match up, and Yoshi makes me a fan for life by doing a God damn straight out of Tekken KING DEATH ROLL.  Yes I’m sure it’s been used in Japan, but I know where I saw it first.  This DEVESTATING maneuver (for the record he just schoolboyed him over and over) only gets two, however.  Zack then is able to turn things around, and you know what that means.  REST HOLDS.  Yoshi eventually rallies with some of that puro bullshit, capping things with a top rope ‘rana for a close two count.  Zack comes back with a leg lariat for two also.  That however did not get nearly the pop of the hurricanrana.  What it did get was an immediate roundhouse kick to the face to pick up the win for the Engrishman.

 

Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu.

 

What Stood Out:  Actually, that was a pretty exciting match that got a decent amount of time.  So, me not loathing Ryder stood out.  Also, DAMN Yoshi is getting major pops, and I still cannot explain it.

 

Oh, and the Bellas announced Yoshi as the winner.  Which, funnily enough, is the exact same thing they said last time they announced.  Apparently remember more than one person’s name is a little too much work for them.

 

 

Yep, I’m going to name all the competitors.

 

Shelton Benjamin, Vladimir Kozlov, Ezekiel Jackson, Tommy Dreamer, Goldust, Tyler Reks, Sheamus, Yoshi Tatsu, Paul Burchill, and Zack Ryder – Battle Royal for the #1 Contendership for the ECW Championship

 

Why?  Because they decided it’d be a good idea to blow 8 minutes with the entrances and commercials, that’s why.

 

I surely hope you don’t expect me to call this one hold for hold.  Everyone goes all hitty on each other, and Paul Burchill is suplexed over about 90 seconds in.  Well he can always take solace in that he was THIS CLOSE to winning.  Things slow down to a CRAWL soon afterwards, as pretty much everyone is blown up now.  I mean come on; Tyler Reks is still in this thing?!  And there are chants for Goldust?!  I ask why?  WHY, DAMN YOU, WHY?  Three guys team up to try and bowl Zeke over, but it’s all for not and Jackson zeroes in on Benjamin for a little black on black crime.  Shelton almost gets tossed, but pulls a Shawn Michaels (stays in by holding on the top rope for dear life) so no elimination there.  Again, I must stress that TYLER REKS is still in this thing.  Paul Burchill has been the only elimination for a good long while now.  Oh look, fabricated drama with Reks almost getting tossed, but Kozlov decided he wasn’t worth eliminating. I assure you that he is.  Zeke and Vlad bump into each other and stare at each other going into break.

 

Well finally, the world makes sense again.  Tyler Reks gets fallaway slammed over the top rope during the break.  Zeke follows up by chucking Yoshi Tatsu, so now we’re down to 7.  With technically only three minutes left in the show. Lots of SLOWWWWW action from here as each person takes as much time as possible in trying to send the other guys packing.  Goldust almost gets eliminated, but Dreamer makes the save with the axe handle on Zeke.  And again, chants for Goldust.  Shelton goes nuts and gets to schooling people left and right, culminating with Paydirting Ryder and clotheslining Sheamus over.  Zeke tries to follow up by taking Shelton over, but Benjamin skins the cat, right into a waiting Jackson.  Dreamer runs over to nail Jackson from behind to eliminate him instead, and the crowd goes NUTS.  Sheamus in plain view of the refs eliminates Shelton right after.  Pretty sure that’s illegal, but refs say it’s A OK for an eliminated guy to take out a still legal guy, nope, no problem here.  So, now we’re down to Ryder, Dreamer, Goldust, and Kozlov.  Things pick up from here with Dreamer and Ryder going at it while Goldust and Kozlov have their fun.  They eventually switch off and after multiple almost eliminations, Ryder low-bridges a charging Goldust to send him on his way.  Pretty much right after this, Dreamer is able to surprise Kozlov and dump him over.  Ryder immediately dumps Dreamer over for the win.

 

Winner:  Zack Ryder

 

What Stood Out:  So, Ryder/Christian in a HELL IN A CELL match?  Really?  But the match – MAN that was a slow one.

 

Heh.  Well, color me kind of shocked.  Cena/Orton MMLXVI it ain’t.  THE END.

 

 

Uppers:  While I may have an issue with the booking perhaps…the matches themselves were pretty OK.  They weren’t flawless, but I was entertained.  Also, the mega-elevation of Zack Ryder out of NOWHERE was a pleasant surprise, mainly because Ryder actually looked GOOD tonight (bar one little tidbit, but we’ll get to that later).  Outside of that, lack of video recaps is always a plus.  Yep, that’s all I got.

 

Downers:  Now let’s talk issues!  GMGBT was still as cringe inducing as ever, and no Regal freakout on her made me quite sad.  I was just waiting for it to happen, and…nothing.  Lame.  Now as far as the booking goes, in the end we have Hurricane looking like a chump because he jobs to one move (pretty much a HHH match, but this time HHH was British), and your new #1 contender jobbed clean as a sheet right before winning that match.  Seems a little counter-productive to putting him over as a threat, that’s all.  Though with that logic, Christian gets squashed like a motherfucker at the PPV.  Oh, and I must reiterate, they were cheering Goldust and Tyler Reks lasted a LONG time in that main event, yet Paul Burchill, one of the guys that actually has a feud in ECW, gets dumped like a bitch in a heartbeat.

 

Overall:  It’s a watchable show.  The good pretty much cancels out with the bad here, so I am firmly indifferent.  I nothing this show.  I’ll probably have to read it again tomorrow just to remember what the hell happened.  OK, it wasn’t THAT dull.  Though I assure you that if you decide not to youtube it, you’re not missing much.  Unless you SO DESPARATELY want to hear what the Bellas’ new music sounds like.  If that’s the case, you’re just so beyond saving at this point. 

 

 

And we’re done here.  I’m tired, go away.