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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
Welcome back to the ECW Report.  Except it’s NOT the ECW report this week, now is it WWE?  Nope, they just decided to randomly say hey, let’s re-show the Undertaker Vs. Shawn Michaels match from Wrestlemania 25.  Normally, I’d be all for it, as that was a phenomenal match those two guys put on.  However, I just ask WHY?!  There’s actually a decent amount of plot going on in ECW, so why cut it off at the knees?  Just seems strange to me.  So, you’ll have to bear with me this week, as this report is going to be a short one.  I figure if WWE isn’t going to put effort into creating a new episode of TV this week, I’m not going to put effort into creating a good report, OK?! Let’s get to it.



Still standing here in, who cares?  However, LO AND BEHOLD, they’re actually having a sort of new episode tonight!  REJOICE!


Shelton Benjamin Vs. Zack Ryder


Since my cable decided to also give WWE the finger tonight, I missed the opening of the match, coming back to Shelton giving Ryder the electric chair drop to battle out of a rest hold of some sort.  Shelton then continues to battle out, and basically it’s all Shelton from here. And I mean ALL Shelton.  He just Paydirts the fuck out of the Guido to end things in a hurry.


Winner:  Shelton Benjamin


What Stood Out:  Score one for balanced feuds!  Except no.  I assume that rest hold was the only offense Zack got.



Back from break, HEY, Abraham Washington show.  Oh look at that, Tony Atlas wasn’t shitcanned!  Good for him.  He’s the Max Weinberg/Paul Schaffer role apparently, though I’m pretty sure his only music talent being shown is him guffawing at every line Abraham spits.  My girlfriend, not watching this normally, asks why I’m watching Arsenio Hall.  Apparently she’s a psychic, as Washington immediately goes into a rant about Arsenio Hall, who is apparently from Cleveland, which is where they are.  So they bring out Gregory Helms, who tries to defend his position that he isn’t The Hurricane.  He fails tremendously.  Atlas laughs tremendously, even though there’s no joking.  Awkward silence follows throughout the arena.  Abe brings out the Burchills now, with Paul looking like a member of a British motorcycle gang of some sort.  Paul calls out Gregory, also accusing him of being The Hurricane.  Right before things get ugly though, up on the Titantron, A WILD HURRICANE APPEARS!  Paul is confused, yet interested as Hurricane says he’ll be back next week.  Paul storms off (hah! Unintentional pun!) as Gregory just stands there and TONY ATLAS DOES NOT STOP LAUGHING.  Boy, that won’t get annoying, no way. 



VIDEO PACKAGE TIME, with everybody on the roster putting over the awesomeness of The Undertaker.  Not really getting why all this verbal fellating is needed, seeing how ‘Taker is pretty much perma-over.  But yeah, a hype video for a match that already happened.  There you go.



Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson w/ William Regal Vs. Two American as apple pie jobbers


Whole lotta red on one side of the ring.


So yeah, I wonder how this one goes.  Suplexes, headbutts, Zeke hits a nice delayed vertical suplex then rams the partner into the steel ring post because he was running his mouth, fun times.  Negronage followed by the MOBH to pick up the pin.


Winner:  Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson.


What Stood Out:  Hard hitting and gentle tagging. Aww, how cute.


After the bell, Regal slaps on a Regal Stretch for good measure, which brings out Christian.  Regal calls him out, but out comes Dreamer.  Regal responds with a hearty English laugh, but Dreamer brought backup in the form of kendo sticks.  So, the black dude and the Russian dude get sent packing, and Regal bails before Dreamer or Christian can get to him.  Good stuff.



ANOTHER VIDEO PACKAGE TIME, with everybody putting over HBK’s ass this time around.  Again, not really getting the point of this hype WHEN THE MATCH HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.  Not like you’re going to get more buys for Wrestlemania 25 at this point…



General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany decides to introduce the whole point of tonight, and after ANOTHER HYPE VIDEO PACKAGE…


Shawn Michaels Vs. Undertaker, Wrestlemania 25 Encore Presentation


HAHA, SUCKERS!  Yeah, that whole thing they were hyping all night?  Nope, not the whole match.  Not even like half of it.  It was just basically an extended video recap, not lasting any longer than 5 minutes.  Wow, I am kind of shaking from rage right now.


Winner: Undertaker, but you knew that right?


What Stood Out:  Feel that?  That’s WWE doing you up the ass, raw and no lube. 



Sheamus Vs. Goldust, No Disqualification no Count-Out Match


Oh, well isn’t this just the cherry on the shit sundae that is my night.  Well, at least we won’t get another finish like last week.  I just have to stay positive.  It’s what keeps the barrel out of my mouth.


Things stay pretty even from the opening bell, with Goldust eventually coming out on top.  So Sheamus decides to take a hike, but here comes Goldy to cut him off with a clothesline going into the final commercial break.  Time for an anger piss.


Back from break, Goldust is still pounding the hell out of Sheamus, and things spill to the outside once more.  Sheamus is able to turn things around and nails Goldy with a front slam on the UNFORGIVING GYM PADDING on the outside.  Sheamus takes over in the ring, but Goldust tries to rally. However, that laying down uppercut he does is caught and Goldust gets a punt to the spine for his trouble.  Working the back some more (actually SMART considering what his finisher is), Sheamus locks in surfboards and bow and arrow holds galore.  Goldust eventually battles out and hits all his normal stuff.  You know, the same things he’s been using for the past month or so with this ONE opponent the whole time.  Sheamus turns it around with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex, but Goldust ends up connecting with that lay down uppercut.  Because that was INTEGRAL to the match.  Sheamus does not approve of this affront to his pride however, and IMMEDIATELY responds with the bicycle kick.  Not a flash kick, which would’ve been awesome, but I’ll take it.  Uranage Backbreaker follows right after (Striker calls it the Irish Curse, sounds good I’ll take it) for the win.


Winner:  Sheamus


What Stood Out:  Pretty much the same match we’ve seen already, just longer and the main event for some inexplicable reason.  Now can Sheamus PLEASE move on to another feud?  Please?


Sheamus has a hearty Irish laugh going up the ramp; presumably optimistic that that’s the last he’ll hear from Goldust for a while.  Well, one can hope.  THE END.


Uppers:  Umm, I guess I can appreciate that they still decided to air some ECW goodness around the whole Taker/Michaels replay.  Basically it’s like when they did Extreme Strip Poker.  Yeah there was that, but they still actually aired matches!  Shocking, I know.  You may not have remembered because of the internal hemorrhaging caused by the whole Strip Poker thing.


Downers:  The fact that WWE was feeling a bit lazy tonight with their programming and randomly thought of an even more creative way to fuck over ECW.  If you’re going to say you’re re-airing a match, YOU FUCKING DO IT.  They just spent two days hyping up a GOD DAMN VIDEO PACKAGE.  RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE.


Overall:  I really hate doing this sometimes.  This would be one of those weeks.



Oh god, having a stroke of rage right now.  BAD WWE, BAD.  NO TREAT.  Later.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).