Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
Hello again there.  It’s Neil, back with your weekly dose of ECW recappage.
So, before getting into things, how about RAW?  I’ll probably get into it more later when the video recap inevitably shows up on my television, but I just wanted to make this one observation.  When you saw Vince appear on stage as the beginning of the show like this:

Did anyone else immediately picture this?

Just wondering if I’m alone on that one.  Let’s get to it.
Still standing here in…who knows!  And let me say right off the bat, DAMN THIS SHOW for taking me away from watching a thrilling Philles comeback against the Pirates.  Before the opening titles, we get a recap of last week’s main event, and the laughable Summerslam match between Regal and Christian.  In case you didn’t read Anthony’s excellent recap, match was 8 seconds, and right after the multi-culture pals struck again.  That’s pretty much all you need to know.  Post-opening, we get said group of baddies out at ringside.  Regal proudly proclaims that Ezekiel and Kozlov weren’t one-upping each other to eventually have a match for each other, nope.  They’re BFF’s now.  You know all the brothers in Harlem that hang out with the KGB, I mean COME ON.  Before this promo gets a little too British for the crowd, out comes Christian to interrupt and proclaim that the match was only 8 seconds, repeated ad nauseum.  “8 seconds” becomes the reply for everything Regal says.  A record-breaking 8 seconds, in fact.  Christian eventually decides to mix things up by repeatedly calling Regal “Bill” and I get the feeling he’s taking promo lessons from Sting at this point.  Right before I blow my brains out from this segment (never thought I’d say this), thank God for General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany.  Out she comes to go back to her kindergarten roots, proclaiming that tonight Regal and Christian will have a match, and if Regal wins, he gets a re-match for the title.  So, gee, wonder how that main event will end up.  Still, provided it goes longer than Summerslam, it should be a decent match, right?
Sheamus Vs. Goldust
YES, AGAIN.   I’m all for feuds, don’t get me wrong, but shouldn’t they be…you know…entertaining?  Compelling?  Not with one side squashing the hell out of the other?  Looking at you, Raw.
Goldust tries to rally early, but it’s all Sheamus from the opening bell.  And you know what happens when the heel gets the upper hand, don’t you?  REST HOLDS.  Eventually Goldy battles out and hits pretty much everything you’ve seen in any of the other matches.  Lay down uppercut, snap powerslam, and punches galore are the order of the day.  Though, he does mix it up with a Flatliner, so there’s that.  This only gets a two, and they are both outside of the ring soon after.  And even though Goldust had a prime opportunity to get back in the ring at 9 after whipping Sheamus into the steps, NOPE.  He just stands there and both guys are counted out.  This deservedly gets some boos.
Winner:  NOBODY.
What Stood Out:  Please make the hurting stop, that’s all I ask.  Can Sheamus move on to another guy already?
TO THE BACK with the Bellas and Shelton Benjamin, who DEMAND he bust out some Louie Armstrong karaoke.  Zack Ryder interrupts to try and hit on the twins, which just degenerates into a bitch-fest between the two.  GMGBT comes out to let them know they’re in a tag match with Tyler Reks and Yoshi Tatsu.  Goody.
AGAIN IN THE BACK where mystery interviewer lady interviews with the Burchills, which take turns busting out insults on her.  When she asks about Hurricane, Paul is quick to affirm that it’s Gregory Helms.  SHOCKING.  To someone.  Somewhere.  Add in some general lines about how it was a fluke win last week, and that’s the interview folks.
Shelton Benjamin and Zack Ryder Vs. Yoshi Tatsu and Tyler Reks
PARTNERS DO NOT GET ALONG.  Done to death and back, but still works.  Picture in picture promo happens as the faces come out.  Yoshi speaks Japanese, and Tyler just up and says, “I have know idea what he just said.”  Worked for Tajiri, not so much here.
Reks and Benjamin start things off, with Reks getting the upper hand off some high flying.  So, Shelton tries to tag out, but Ryder acts like he doesn’t see it.  Shelton then settles for beating ass himself, then Ryder tags in to go to town on Reks.  Things eventually even out when Reks and Ryder cross-body each other, leading to the hot tag to Yoshi.  Things break right the fuck down from here, with the faces sent packing for a bit, but then the heels DON’T GET ALONG.  Benjamin tosses Ryder into the ring, which apparently counts as a tag.  Ryder tosses Benjamin into Tatsu, but when he tries to go for the Zack Attack, Yoshi just whips around and kicks the Long Island right out of Ryder to pick up the win.
Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu and Tyler Reks
What Stood Out:  Some matches are about telling a story.  This story was “We’re seriously trying to make Benjamin look good!  Honest!  Please have a reaction for him?”
After the bell, Shelton is not pleased with losing, so he paydirts Ryder.  As a result, Benjamin is an instant super-face.
Video recap time of WWE guys partying in LA last weekend.  OOH TATYANA ALI.  Clear boost in star power and all that.  I can’t bitch too much, as the fans look like they had fun.  And I mean, they didn’t burn down the city like the last time a big event was held at the Staples Center, so they’re making steps in the right direction.
William Regal w/ Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov Vs. ECW Champion Christian. Non-title match
Nothing really too notable before the bell, save for Regal doing little things like acting he was going to hit Christian from behind before the bell rings.  It’s things like that that make Regal awesome.  That and just straight beating the fuck out of his opponents legit.
Christian tries to go for the Killswitch early, but Regal’s having none of that.  So, Christian just settles for headlocks galore in the opening minutes.  Regal soon after makes me laugh out loud as he just spontaneously ROARS as loud as he can after a normal chest bump, only to get immediately snapmared.  Christian soon takes Regal to the outside and baseball slides him, but Kozlov and Ezekiel pop on over to say hi to prevent Christian from doing a follow-up pescado.  Intense staring galore happens going into the last break.
Back from break, we see Regal tuning up Christian, hitting a nice exploder suplex.  He follows up with that running knee, but Christian dodges and gets a sunset flip for two. Things spill to the outside again, with Christian getting tossed into the post, almost getting counted out in the process.  Back inside, Regal proceeds to wail on Christian some more, but gets some desperation pins put on him for a few two counts.  Finally, after the nonstop beatdown, Christian gets to come back with a cross-body off the top rope.  With his second wind, Christian hits a BAAAAAAACK BODY DROP and two Missile Dropkicks in a row for a close two count.  Tornado DDT gets another two after a delayed cover.  Things spill to the outside soon after, where for pretty much no reason Christian delivers a pride-obliterating bitchslap to Kozlov before going back into the ring.  Man, what did the Russians ever do to you, Canada?  Back inside, Zeke distracts the ref, and after shoving Christian mid-Killswitch attempt into a Kozlov headbutt, Regal hits the running knee to pick up the win, and the title shot.
Winner:  William Regal
What Stood Out:  Good match rebuilding Regal and his cronies as a big threat, and Regal’s spontaneous seizures of rage never EVER cease to amuse me greatly.
Closing out the show, AGAIN, are the multi-culture pals raising their hands triumphantly in victory.  Yay for evil foreigners!  Plus a scary black dude!  Because he’s not white that’s like an evil foreigner right?  DEAR GOD I am kidding.  THE END.
Uppers:  I have to say that only the main event belongs in this category this week.  Didn’t take a psychic to figure Regal was winning to face Christian on a PPV in less than 3 weeks, but that doesn’t mean it ruins the fun of the match.  ECW has really shown Regal well for the most part, in that he gets TV time.  As long as he gets TV time, the inherent awesome of Regal just naturally shines through. 
Downers:  Everything but the main event.  The other matches tonight were kind of blah for me, backstage shenanigans were pointless for the most part, and that opening promo was just BAD.
Overall:  Sorry, have to THUMBS DOWN this show.  The main event couldn’t save the combined suck of the rest of the show.  Though, I can appreciate the emergence of a new power stable, so it’s not all negative.  What can I say; I’m an optimistic guy.
And that’ll do it for this week.  Now to desperately search for places to eat that aren’t fast food!  AWAY!

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).