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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(08/18/09)
 
Welcome back to the always glorious ECW report. For your information, tonight’s report is brought to you via the MAGIC of the internet once again. I hope. Also don’t expect much on me talking about last night’s Raw, seeing how I completely missed it. Who knew that $2 bowling night with beers and quesadillas is more enticing than seeing Freddie Prinze Jr. on my screen? Who knew indeed…though I do have the cliffs notes of what happened – Divas match sucked, Orton looked like a coward, and Cena looked like Superman. So, basically every other episode of Raw this whole year. Let’s get to it.

Still standing here in who knows, who cares! Interesting video ahoy! Oh wait; it’s just basically a movie trailer introducing this guy:

The Hurricane Vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill

So uhhh, Burchill came out in like a leather trenchcoat or something. Just thought I’d like to mention non-Katie Lea news for once. I thought those things were illegal after Columbine! So Paul goes off early with a brief offensive flurry, only for Hurricane to turn things aroun…oh wait Paul just beats his ass some more. However, he does eventually battle out and strikes a pose to fluster Burchill, who responds with blindly charging the green menace, and gets low-bridged to the outside for his trouble. Hurricane follows up with TAKING FLIGHT – or just hitting a nice cross-body from the top rope to the floor on Paul going into break. Apparently that move was SUPER EFFECTIVE because coming out of break, Burchill is working an extended Ortonlock on Hurricane. The mystery man in spandex battles out, but just gets booted down and put in another resthold. Superfriends would revoke his membership right there for looking like such a bitch. As I was typing that, Burchill hammers the point home with the hard whip to the corner and double knees. And some shots to the side with Hurricane in the camel clutch position. And punching him some more on the top rope. Oh hey the superhero FINALLY battles out on the top rope and hits another cross-body for two. Punches galore follow soon after, along with some clotheslines and such to Burchill for a few two counts. Burchill gets a two off a nice looking dropkick, but Hurricane snaps off a ‘rana for two to stop that shit cold. Burchill counters the ensuing Shining Wizard, but that in turn is countered into the Eye of the Hurricane for the win.

Winner: The Hurricane

What Stood Out: Eh, pretty no-frills match between the two guys this week. So, I will go on the over-reliance on the top rope cross-body for Hurricane. Mix it up a bit, maybe? Sorry, two big moves off the top is excessive to me.

TO THE BACK now, with some new blonde interviewer lady because Helms is MYSTERIOUSLY absent, who interviews Tommy Dreamer. Typical crap until William Regal interrupts, taunting the number he did on Dreamer last week. Dreamer focuses on him which in turn allows for a SURPRISE RUSSIAN INVASION as Kozlov runs Dreamer over and delivers a few nasty looking headbutts to the back of Dreamer’s head. Oh well, guess Dreamer’s had his fun, time to go back to being a bitch.

DID YOU KNOW? WWE didn’t fellate themselves with that segment this week, opting to simply inform the amount of content on their classics site. Good for them.

Abraham Washington’s out now, and oh boy, how I do love to recap these segments. Abe manages to inform me of the city they’re in tonight (Kansas City), while ripping on the crowd by saying how they’re illiterate for not applauding at the flashing of the applause sign. Whew, what a run-on sentence. So, after more of the same, our guest for tonight is…Goldust. Well, at least it’s not Christian or Dreamer again. Remember when Goldust went out of his ways to speak strange to creep people out? Yeah, he dead. In his place is Dustin Runnels in gold paint. Who does his stuttering thing still. Seriously, apparently that’s his character now.

LAAAAAAAAAAAAME. So, this segment is about the COMPELLING feud with Sheamus, which goes nowhere because they just do jokes about the stuttering. Washington then brings out Sheamus to try and Jerry Springer it up a bit. Sheamus basically cries sour grapes about getting jumped, saying it won’t happen again. This leads to staring of the intense variety, broken up by Goldy’s stuttering and Abraham concluding the segment. Then they go back to more intense staring.

TO THE BACK AGAIN, with mysterious blonde interviewing lady, who asks General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany about the status of Dreamer after being attacked. I didn’t get most of it, seeing how I was busy trying to figure out which blonde was which, but I’m pretty sure GMGBT said that Christian needs to find a new partner for tonight, and the match will go on regardless. So, the touch of handicap match fever that’s taken Raw by storm is invading ECW it seems. Man, there are so many good things they should’ve ripped off from Raw instead. Like…eh, I’ll get back to you on that.

Zack Ryder Vs. Yoshi Tatsu

Usually, I have something somewhat clever to open things up for the match, but with these two, I simply have NOTHING.

Match opens with the two guys going back and forth, but Zack soon snaps Yoshi off the top rope when he tries to go for a superplex. This, of course leads to the obligatory working of a body part, all about in the span of a minute. Ryder tries the armbar, but Tatsu reverses into an armbar of his own. But since faces aren’t allowed to use restholds around these parts, Ryder quickly gets out of it. Counter-mania runs wild from here, as after Yoshi’s snapmare to yakuza kick thing he does, it’s time for Ryder to reverse things into a Zack Attack. Or not, as Tatsu counters out and puts Ryder down. However, when Yoshi tries to slingshot off the ropes, he gets knees to the back, and pinned.

Winner: Zack Ryder

What Stood Out: Microwaved match for one, please.

After the bell, Ryder gets on the mic to say woo woo woo, you know it. And that’s it.

Commercial thought – RISE AND FALL OF WCW. I’m sorely tempted to see this, simply from the commercial. I’m pretty sure this one is less “Rise and Fall of ECW” and more “Self- Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior.” Having guys universally bury something is just AWESOME.

Video package time, with the Raw recap focusing mainly on DX reforming. Again. And that’s twofold. DX reformed again, and this was the focus of last week’s recap too. I’d like to say I’m shocked that DX is hogging all the time, but I simply am not at this point. Ooh la la, this is new. Legacy looking like a threat? DX looking human? All set to classical piano music? Me likey. TO THE BACK AGAIN SERIOUSLY with GMGBT and Christian arguing about the ensuing tag match, because Christian doesn’t have a partner yet. Just then, there’s a rumbling off screen, and Christian nominates the mystery person as his partner. Just like that, we’re off to the match introductions:

William Regal and Vladimir Kozlov Vs. Christian and “Black Death” Ezekiel Jackson

Not really too much of a shocker, yet I still approve. Of course, this would be the first nonsquash match for the big black dude, so I’ll approach this one with cautious optimism. So, does this mean Zeke is officially a tweener? Don’t really see those in WWE nowadays… Regal and Christian start things out, pretty much murdering that whole anticipation thing for this Sunday. But again, rule one of ECW is that no one buys the PPVs for the ECW match. They go back and forth, with Christian getting the upper hand, leading to the tag out to Kozlov. Kozlov goes all Russkie on Christian, and Regal/Kozlov take turns wailing on the champ. So that’s pretty much the whole story for this match. No frills, just the foreigners take turns beating the fuck out of the champ, with some boring rest holds thrown in for good measure. Christian gets some desperation spots here and there, but it’s all for nothing. Chaos soon breaks down, with Zeke acting like he wants a piece of Kozlov, but just settles for hitting the Negronage on Christian. Because, tweeners don’t belong in WWE damn it! Regal just picks up the pin right after.

Winner: William Regal and Vladimir Kozlov

What Stood Out: The match told an interesting story, and made me think that they were going to go in an interesting direction, with tweener “beats down anything that moves” Ezekiel Jackson. So, they built my hopes, only to smash them into oblivion. Good show, old chap.

After the bell, Kozlov repays the kindness of Jackson by hitting the MOBH on Christian. Zeke repays this repaying of kindness by hitting another Negronage on Christian. Regal just stands around and looks British. After all of that, all three guys raise their hands in unison. Possible stable of multiculture pals? Oh boy, I hope so. THE END.

Uppers: Like I just said right above, the main event was interesting in the dynamic they had going between Jackson and everyone else in the ring. Next time I’ll know better. I can also see they still have zero faith in the guy, because pretty much the only move he did the whole match was his finisher. He was never tagged in either. So, expect him to go right back to the squash matches next week. Outside of the main event, tonight in general had a nice balance between wrestling and promo time, which I can approve of. I’ll throw Hurricane/Burchill in here for good measure. It was slightly entertaining, so I choose to take that as a positive.

Downers: That being said, I thought Ryder/Tatsu was too short and sped up to be anything compelling, along with the Abraham Washington show being largely pointless. Yes, I know, that’s how it is every week. But this week it was SUPER DUPER pointless, resorting to Goldust doing stuttering jokes and lots and LOTS of staring. Also, the new girl was pretty much thrown in there as an afterthought. I still have NO clue what the hell her name is. Though, I’m still a little salty over Jackson going right back to being a heel. Just can’t have any interesting characters out there, can you? Nope. None at all.

Overall: Another good-ish show, in that it kept me watching, and not just because I type this thing out every week. I was actually slightly entertained at times! Hip hip hooray! And that’ll do it for this week. Time to go ahead and go have dinner, since I opted to skip it in favor of writing this thing out. Big mistake. Just thought I’d let you know what I sacrifice for you people. Jerks.

 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).