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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(08/11/09)
 
Welcome back to the ECW report. So, long story short, because of it being ridiculously hot today, power in part of my house decided to take a hike. JUST MY LUCK, it’s the part of my house that happens to have my TV in it. This is important, since you’d figure a television would be pretty necessary to write stupid minutia on a television program. So, here’s hoping this stream site I’ve picked out works, and expect this week’s report to be a bit on the short side…

Aaaaaaaand away we go!

Still standing here in Edmonton…Alberta…Canada! And after some stream choppiness, we get to our first match…

Zack Ryder Vs. Shelton Benjamin

So judging by the Canadian reaction, Shelton’s a face now. Because really, everyone’s a good guy when they’re about to beat the shit out of a douche.

Zack gets the early start with some thrusts in the corner, but Shelton turns it around, only to get popped with a quickie missile dropkick. From there on, it’s all Zack, hitting his usual fare. It’s rather depressing how long it goes on, really. However, when Zack goes for the Zack Attack, it’s an ol’ fashioned counter-fest. Zack Attack turned into a slingshot into the turnbuckle, countered into a cross-body off the turnbuckle, countered into a powerbomb into the corner. Paydirt ensues and that’s that.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin

What Stood Out: Quick little match, thusly doing nothing to help either guy in their little mini-feud. But OOOOOOH COUNTERS.

TO THE BACK now with Hurricane Helms doing an interview with the Burchills. Paul is quick to cut the bullshit, accusing Helms of being the MASKED MAN OF MYSTERIOUSNESS. So, instead of talking about his match later tonight, Paul settles for laying in some fists and knees to the interviewer. Paul leaves as Helms is laying in the fetal position, akin to being kicked in the balls. No problem with that, seeing how he decided to dump Velvet Sky. So, his balls probably won’t be seeing some action for a long time. What a maroon.

Vladimir Kozlov Vs. Not just a jobber, a CANADIAN jobber! Yeah, I think you know how this story ends by now.

Winner: Vladimir Kozlov

What Stood Out: Oh those loveable scamps north of the border. Chanting “you can’t wrestle” VERY loudly during the whole match.

After the bell, out comes Ezekiel Jackson, and you know how this story ends too. Zeke delivers the Negronage, and Kozlov hits another MOBH before leaving to chants of “one more time!” Man, apparently the only thing Canadians hate more than everything is…other Canadians.

You know, it’s sort of funny how DX’s motto is suck it, because whenever they reunite, that’s EXACTLY what WWE proceeds to do. Video package airs on the vignettes last night, thoroughly cupping the balls and stroking the shaft. Credit it where it’s due, I thought it was very funny. The insider jokes were fairly clever, Michaels and HHH has good chemistry, and who doesn’t love child abuse? I can only hope to superkick my niece next time my sister visits. Here’s hoping…*fingers crossed*

Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill Vs. Yoshi Tatsu

Because their paycheck demands that they actually do SOMETHING, the Bellas do the announcing for this match. Ah, I get it, they have to say it in unison because their twins! Oh that never gets old. Kill me.

Again, can’t explain it, but Yoshi is hitting it big with the crowds, who start up a chant for him as soon as the bell rings. Also as soon as the bell rings, Paul proceeds to go soccer hooligan on his ass, slugging him all over the ring. Yoshi is eventually able to rally with his kick heavy offense, and I do mean KICK HEAVY. Basically every single move he does ends with a kick. Snapmare to kick, side Russian legsweep to kick, leg drops, name it. Katie Lea concludes along with the rest of us that Paul isn’t going to be getting anymore offense, so she just goes ahead and ends the match by smacking Yoshi with her belt.

Winner: Yoshi Tatsu

What Stood Out: Heyyyy, that’s a nice looking belt.

Yoshi decides to go over to Katie after the bell, possibly to get her number, but all that allows is a brotherly beating from behind. Alliteration is cool. Before things get too ugly, STAND BACK! THERE’S A DATED GIMMICK COMING THROUGH! The Hurricane (Striker officially called him that) suddenly appears on the top turnbuckle as the lights come back on, delivering a cross-body to Burchill and sending the siblings packing. Yoshi gives his proper arigatos, complete with bowing to Hurricane. Oh, and at some point the Bellas announced Yoshi as the winner in unison, but did you care about that? Really? Thought so.

TO THE BACK ONCE AGAIN, and apparently let’s get to rehasing things! Paul is OUTRAGED about what happened in the ring, and is threatening General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany as a result. And, if she doesn’t do something, he will. Yeah, pretty sure I’ve seen this promo before. Paul proceeded to then do nothing for weeks. So, nice knowing you Paul. Anyway, GMGBT does not take kindly to that kind of talk, and sends them packing because she has other business to attend to. Like, standing there. WHAT A PRODUCTIVE GM.

Tyler Reks Vs. Tom James

Yeah, a surfer gimmick would probably get very over in Canada. Canadians love surfing, of course. Surfing – it’s as Canadian as getting a tan beachside, apple pie, and needlessly sticking your nose in other people’s business when you got enough of your own problems.

So yeah, did you like the bad guy squash earlier? Because this is the same thing, except the good guy is the squasher. Springboard missile dropkick ends this farce in a hurry.

Winner: Tyler Reks

What Stood Out: Well, at least the other squash match got SOME kind of reaction.

Abraham Washington is out again for his boring-ass show, and the Canadians accordingly let him have it. Probably the best reaction he’s gotten so far. After some funny jokes relating hockey to racism and a LAPD rally, along with wishing Hulk Hogan a happy birthday for no other reason then to probably appease him so he may come back eventually to do his occasional mega burial of talent, we get to his guest! Whew that was a long sentence. Christian is out on Abe’s show for the THIRD time now, proving that as usual, WWE = variety. Christian gets a hero’s welcome as he comes out, and Washington rolls a package of the Extreme Rules match from last week. Hey look, it’s still good. Moving on. Washington goes on a spiel about how Christian is fucked up facially after last week’s match (for anyone not watching, dry them tears, he’s fine), and Christian decides to copy Abe’s shtick verbatim, down to saying “I’m just playin’” over and over while basically having a seizure on the couch. Christian then goes into super serious mode (a contagious disease among Canadians apparently, just ask Chris Jericho), putting over his match last week. Abe eventually gets to talk again, and brings out William Regal as the new #1 contender for the ECW Championship…just because I guess. Regal gloats about how Christian was SO not extreme last week, and how he’s going to destroy Dreamer tonight. In fact, after a quick commercial break, that match happens NOW!

William Regal Vs. Tommy Dreamer

Have to say, digging the crowd tonight. Who knew a loud crowd would make the matches seem better? Oh, and Dreamer has one of his elbows taped up. Boy, I sure hope Regal doesn’t target that area during their match!

Oh drat, Regal immediately goes for that arm. Consider me shocked, because I assumed that every wrestler is respectful of each other’s injuries and plays by the rules at all times! OK, enough of that. Dreamer gets a few shots in early, but it’s pretty much all Regal, working arm wrenches, wrapping the arm around the post, all that good stuff. Both guys sell awesomely throughout the match, so bonus points for that. Eventually, Dreamer gets up on the top rope to deliver a flying…right hand. FALCON! PAUNCH! Regal tries to go for his running knee soon after, but he misses and gets a sit-out spinebuster and tree of woe dropkick for his trouble. This only gets two due to Regal’s foot on the rope, and it also gets a chant of “we want tables” because Canadians are dicks. Anyway, Regal snaps Dreamers arm off the rope soon after, leading to the running knee for the victory.

Winner: William Regal

What Stood Out: Sadly, this main event was a bit on the short side. Unsadly, watching Regal beat the shit out of people is always perversely entertaining.

After the bell, Regal decides to lay into Dreamer some more, applying the Regal stretch to Dreamer. Man, I forgot how painful that move looked. Cena’s STF, this isn’t. Anyway, Christian runs in to send Regal packing, and of course, he does it AFTER his friend’s been brutalized. Even though he was out at ringside before the match started. I guess after Regal came out he politely walked away, because watching a match live in person doesn’t hold a candle to watching it on a tiny TV backstage. But what do I know, I DON’T KNOW THIS BUSINESS, I’M NOT THERE MAN. Anyway, this show’s finished up with Christian and Regal making stares at each other. Riveting. THE END.

Uppers: Ummmm, I’ll get back to you on that one. What can I say? Everything was pretty meh tonight. OK, I’ll throw the Abraham Washington skit and the non-squash matches in here.

Downers: Kozlov squashes do nothing for me at this point, and Tyler Reks’ match did him no favors either. Also, not a fan of Paul’s backstage segment, imply because of it being a rehash of something he did only a handful of weeks ago. And seeing how that promo resulted in Paul being off of TV until recently, I’m far from hopeful on how this one will go. I’ve been wrong before though. The Miz being back on Raw certainly made me feel like a total douche for speculating last week…

Overall: Not as good as the previous weeks, but still OK. Not really much more I can say about it. It was a show.

And another week done and done. Time to go do some electrician work, so you can now safely assume you’ll never hear from me again, because I am going to SO get electrocuted.

 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).