Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(08/04/09)
 
Welcome back to the ECW report! Better late than never, right?

So, a couple of things to get into before the Youtube-assisted report gets under way. Namely, everybody’s favorite topic of discussion – FIRINGS! WWE decided to go for consistency and fire one guy a week, apparently. First up we get THE Brian Kendrick, who allegedly chose weed over employment. Not that I would know for sure, but from college experiences I imagine that’s a fairly common side effect of smoking pot. Dude got slapped with fines out the ass for smoking, yet he still did it. For that reason, I’m fresh out of sympathy for the guy. Never had the stuff, but I’m assuming it’s not worth like tens of thousands of dollars. And to put the pre-emptive strike down, I don’t want to see any e-mails to the tune of “Duuuuuuuuuude, you just don’t know all of the beneficial uses for pot mannnnnnnnn…” because it’s really not about that. But also, to hell with you guys. It’s illegal, get over it. No, it’s not so much about lighting one up in tribute to Hacksaw and Iron Sheik, as it is about breaking the rules. WWE told him to stop, and he didn’t. Let’s say management frowned on wrestlers…umm, let’s go with swearing. Fucking Nazis. But I digress. If a wrestler got fined for swearing, but then continued to do it over and over because they LOVE SWEARING THAT MUCH, obviously the guy is never going to learn, so more drastic measures need to be taken. Such as showing his ass the door. What’s the difference between that situation and Kendrick’s? Not a thing. Well, I hope he learned his lesson when he’s headlining gyms for $50 a night (kidding of course, as I would suspect either TNA or ROH would scoop him up in a hurry), but for now, it looks like Brian Kendrick’s career…

…went up in smoke. YEEEEEEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Next up is Tony Atlas, who apparently got quietly let go soon after Mark Henry was moved to Raw. Who cares? Moving on.

Finally, we have The Miz. Oh, Miz Miz Miz. I never thought I could possibly feel sorry for you. There’s just no way to deny it – this past Raw was basically Raw’s booking team throwing their hands up in the air, and saying “We give up on this guy, one of the other shows take him please.” I never was the biggest fan of the guy, but I can’t deny the dude had talent and potential to hit it big. But seeing how his last name wasn’t Cena, Orton, or…Hearst Helmsley? Yeah, no push for you. It’s kind of amazing how shitty Raw has become. I mean, it was shit before, but now? WOW. Though, maybe they have an excuse for this one. Dirt sheets galore are speculating that Miz wanted to go back to MTV and try giving Hollywood a try. So, nice knowing you Miz. If that’s the case, I’ll probably never hear from you again, because I avoid MTV like a leper with cancer and AIDS. But again, I’m not too inclined to believe those reports, since one guy pretty much owned up to making shit up when he “reported” that Victoria and Chris Voldemort were shacking up in early 2007, just to get some buzz on his articles. I loves me some honest journalism! Let’s get to it.

Still standing here in Long Island! Right now, I’m drawing a blank on a place more deserving of a natural disaster. And in keeping with my total disdain for the location, this show takes an IMMEDIATE nosedive right out of the gate as Abraham Washington comes out to do his show thing. Which, accordingly, doesn’t get much of a reaction at all. So Long Islanders aren’t all bad. After saying thank you no less than 54,000 times (and in a admittedly funny moment the titantron desperately flashes APPLAUSE to the crowd) and doing the required cheap heal heat by insulting the hometown, he…uh, hits on Sarah Palin. Before the gun in my mouth goes click however, out comes Zack Ryder to “save” this segment. Since he’s from Long Island, Zack’s apparently the face here. And Zack gains a few more points added on to last week as he says how the only good thing to come out of Long Island is him. And the fucking crowd cheers! Eventually the crowd wises up and boos him accordingly, but they still throw him a decent amount of cheers here and there. Smart people up there in New York. So Shelton was supposed to be the actual guest tonight, as Abraham makes a funny crack about how boring his ass has become. Sisqo then comes out to interrupt this segment, dropping the PG rating as keeping him from cursing up a shit storm. Apparently he’s been visiting the WrestleCrap forums, as he proceeds to word filter all of his swearing with the word Smurf. This part picks up in a big way, as all three guys proceed to sling rough insults back and forth, using Smurf to dance around the PG rating. Took them long enough. Self-censored Attitude Era! Just when it’s getting good though, sadly it all goes to total shit once again as a…singing competition starts up. Zack and Shelton take turns singing HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH of all things. I remember being a fan of that CD. I was 12. Zack tries to Jump Shelton from behind, but Benjamin comes back and the scuffle’s broken up. After about 15 minutes of this crap, the segment’s finally over. For what it’s worth, Shelton’s singing was not horrifyingly bad. Also, is he a face now or something? Man this shit’s getting confusing.

After some menacing walking backstage…

“Black Death” Ezekiel Jackson Vs. Danny Danger

This just in – jobber names have reached a new high in ridiculousness!

Move by move, it’s 2 consecutive backbreakers, a punt to the stomach, and what I’m going to call for the time being the Negronage for the win.

Winner: Ezekiel Jackson

What Stood Out: My AWESOME on the fly naming of Zeke’s finisher, of course.

After the bell, Kozlov once again comes out and delivers the MOBH. However, Ezekiel decides to one-up the Russian and delivers another Negronage to DANGEROUS DANNY DANGER. Sorry, I can’t get that out of my head.

TO THE BACK now, after some pointless chatter between the Bellas and General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany, followed by pointless chatter between a female stagehand and GMGBT, A MYSTERIOUS MASKED MAN THAT WE’RE TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO EVER KNOWING BECAUSE THE DISGUISE IS JUST THAT GOOD uses his superhuman powers to once again save clumsy stagehands from random accidents. In this case, it was a giant box rolling towards her with all the speed of a paraplegic walking. After wooshing away and the ensuing commotion, Paul Burchill pops in to utterly destroy the fourth wall, saying, “This is ridiculous.” He’s no Zack Morris, but I’ll take it.

Sheamus Vs. Goldust…again

Yes, it’s the rematch nobody wanted to see! Yay?

Right out of the gate, Sheamus works the shoulder of Goldy, and the match slows down to a crawl. Not that I was expecting these two to be putting on a blistering pace, but still, can’t you at least wait 2 minutes before working the rest holds? Oldust (it’s a typo, but what the hell, I’m keeping it) gets in a few shots here and there, but this match is ALL Sheamus working the arm. Goldust finally starts turning it around by slugging away at Sheamus in the corner, and hitting a variety of other punches as well. Oh, and a power slam too! Hooray for actual wrestling! Goldust tries to go up top, but Sheamus finally recovers and just yanks Goldust off by his leg. He then goes for the pin, which gets a…three? The hell?

Winner: Sheamus

What Stood Out: I like how working on the arm the whole match didn’t factor into the match ending whatsoever. Also, what kind of crap finish was that?

After picking up the win, Sheamus gets on the mic, putting down Goldust and claiming how he’s gunning for the ECW Championship. Before he can finish though, Goldust settles for jumping this ghost from behind. Hey, just like a Boo Buddy! After being given a thorough beating, Sheamus decides to take a walk, so THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE. JOY.

After some (assuming here because it really seems like this feed cut it out) Smackdown recappage detailing the EXCELLENT main event last week between John Morrison and Jeff Hardy, along with CM Punk doing Hardy up afterwards ROH style, we cut backstage with Tommy Dreamer cutting a generic promo on how Christian is great, but Dreamer is EXTREME. Or something like that. I suppose I could rewind and check to make sure since I’m using Youtube this time, but…nahhhhhh. Accuracy is for pussies. Christian responds by walking backstage with…a car door. Well, at least they’re getting creative. TO THE MATCH!

ECW Champion Christian w/ Title and ’94 White Ford Taurus Car Door Vs. Tommy Dreamer w/ Hot Dog Cart and Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Extreme Rules Title Match

A hot dog cart? Damn it Tommy, what have I told you about bringing your lunch to the ring with you?

After the formal in-ring introductions, this match starts with a back and forth of arm drags and arm wrenches. Riveting stuff. The crowd agrees, immediately starting up a “We Want Tables” chant. Dreamer responds by knocking Christian down, and going outside to get a kendo stick and trash can lid. Christian manages to snag the lid, so it turns into a hillbilly renaissance faire, with Christian using the lid as a shield to avoid getting clobbered by the stick. All this gets him is popped in the stomach on the outside, and Dreamer delivers the White Russian Legsweep (which Striker calls as such). Dreamer then goes and proceeds to down a can of beer and smash it upon his forehead. Just kidding, he goes and eats a Triple Whopper. Back inside the ring, Dreamer brings a trashcan in, but Christian baseball slides into the can to send Dreamer packing for a while. Springboard cross body off the top to the floor connects soon after. Christian follows up with shots from the trashcan and a medical crutch, along with delivering a (much more ghetto version of the) White Russian Legsweep to put Dreamer into the barrier. Dreamer manages to drop toe hold a charging Christian into the hot dog cart, and is quick to reinforce the “Dreamer’s fat” stigma placed on him since the days of his feud with Raven by scurrying over to the cart to grab some hot dogs to chow down on. Seriously. Striker adds to the hilarity by adding “I wouldn’t expect anything less from Tommy Dreamer.” After deciding to do an extra-meaty parody of Carlito’s signature taunt on Christian, Dreamer slams Christian into the cart once more for good measure going into the final break.

Back from the break, Dreamer has a brand new trashcan, rocking Christian with a shot as he’s seated in the corner. Bulldog misses, and Christian turns things around with a trashcan lid shot for two. Dreamer rolls to the outside after a couple more shots, and manages to reverse the whip into the steps, but Christian puts on the breaks right on time. He then runs at Dreamer, who BAAAAAAAAAACK BODY DROPs Christian on the floor. Clothesline sends Christian over the barrier, but he missile dropkicks a can into the face of Dreamer in a nice spot. Both guys crawl back into the ring, and a dueling chant starts up as Christian sets a can up in the corner. What is this, TNA? The can was set up so the hole was facing directly away from the turnbuckle, and Dreamer is quick to toss Christian into the can. Again, they’re being creative with the PG plunder, so good job. Kendo stick assisted Suplex gets a near win but Christian gets his foot on the rope, and then manages to snap Dreamer off the top rope to get a breather. Aluminum can OF DEATH scores again for another two count, but when Christian tries to go for the tornado DDT onto the cans, Dreamer shrugs him off onto the cans. Tree of Woe is set up with the fans again chanting for the table, Dreamer hits a can cover Christian in the corner with a crutch, Christian just SHOVES Dreamer onto a laying trashcan, hits him with the crutch again…man this is getting a little repetitive now. How many times can I type, “guy gets hit with stick/trashcan/crutch” before it drive me insane? Apparently as I typed this Christian heard me, as he brings in that car door for a little something new. Dreamer however just settles for clocking him with a trashcan lid as he charges with the door though. Dreamer then proceeds to screw himself over royally by attempting a PILEDRIVER OF FORBIDDENNESS onto the door. Since the move’s still banned, it doesn’t take a genius to predict Dreamer doesn’t land this move. What the hell – I predict Dreamer doesn’t land this piledriver. And he doesn’t! Go me! Christian slips out and hits the Killswitch OUTTA NOWHERE on Dreamer, who goes face first into the car door. Christian proceeds to pin Dreamer with the door as extra weight.

Winner: Christian

What Stood Out: PG Extreme Rules matches are a little more creative than I thought. I suppose car doors are the new tables?

After some required posing on the turnbuckle with the belt, we’re done here. Nope, nothing else. Nothing to see here, people. THE END.

Uppers: The Main Event was really good stuff, as it was a mix of garbage match and long drawn out dramatic match. The occasional Extreme Rules match usually proves to be a good watch. In addition to that, the opening segment wasn’t a crime against humanity. Considering the coma-inducing boredom Abraham Washington’s show has produced in the past, this is definitely a positive. Ezekiel and Paul Burchill breaking the fourth wall both entertained me a little bit, so the get in here as well. Oh, and I guess the lack of recaps is a bonus, but since I’m not sure if the Youtube feed I was watching cut it off or not, I’ll just consider me myself and I the only lucky ones tonight.

Downers: Sheamus/Goldust was just crap. Five minutes of arm locks and sprawling around on the ground just don’t do it for me. If I wanted to see that, I’d watch a UFC undercard match. Also, DANGEROUS DANNY DANGER. I just can NOT get that name out of my head. It will haunt me.

Overall: THREE weeks of good shit in a row, nice. I had a bad feeling when Abraham Washington was opening the show, but the main event was good times. So, I approve of getting the shit out of the way as soon as possible.

That’ll do it for this week. Weeks like this make me glad I have the death grip on this show like I do. Sometimes I yearn for recapping one of the bigger shows, but then I watch Raw and it goes away in a heartbeat. SmackDown, on the other hand… *looks up Ian Sparke’s address*

 
SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).