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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(07/28/09)
 
Welcome back to the ECW report. You can rest easy now knowing that I’m all better, though whatever I had shredded my vocal cords in the end. So, right now I sound like a cross between Eric Young and a 65-year old woman that smokes a carton of cigarettes a day. In other words, SEXY AS FUCK.

So, Night of Champions has come and gone, and even though it was in Philadelphia, I didn’t go. Being a bum has its disadvantages. BUT, had I gone, I would say that I would’ve been…pretty indifferent on the night, really. If I would’ve gone, it would’ve been just for the sake of actually going to a WWE event for the first time in about 14 years, because the matches sure as hell didn’t interest me that much. Still, from what I heard, they made the best of a shitty situation for the most part. So, it’s not like I would’ve walked out of the Wachovia Center angry. Except for Punk/Hardy. Man, what the hell were they thinking with that? Just can’t let the guy win a match can you? OK, let’s get to it.

Still standing here in Baltimore! And after a video package that made the ECW match at Night of Champions look remotely interesting, we get credits! And now, a match! I really need to stop using exclamation points!

Tyler Reks Vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill

Tyler gets a picture-in-picture promo as he comes out, and it’s probably one of the blandest things I’ve ever heard. Basically, he’s upset that Paul was upset at losing last week. Now you’re caught up. You can thank me later. Oh, and I seriously dig Tyler’s music.

This is pretty much the same match as last week. Tyler starts strong, takes a gander at pirate hooker Katie, and he pays for it with a knee drop off the turnbuckle. And now it’s time for rest holds, so I shall comment on completely pointless things. Like Paul’s new haircut. Man, what a faggy mop that is. Putting Chris Masters’ “I’m just so happy I still have the ability to grow hair due to my history of rampant steroid abuse” hairdo to shame, it is. Tyler is able to send Paul out of the ring eventually, and then takes flight with a pescado, which is impressive because he’s big. So, he’s got the look (he added some colorful dreads for no reason this week) and moves, but DAMN he’s rough on the mic. Anyway, it’s all Tyler from here, as he soon after snaps Burchill off the top rope and follows it up with a springboard missile dropkick to pick up the pin.

Winner: Tyler Reks

What Stood Out: Compared to last week? VERY LITTLE. Um, new hair for both guys? Sure, let’s go with that.

Quick commercial thought: Smackdown/ECW show in Philadelphia on November 17th. I can now say if I get work by then (and God I hope I do because if I don’t that’s just a BAD sign), I’m going, and I’M REPORTING ON IT. You better believe it.

Vladimir Kozlov Vs. Does it matter? Really?

Come on, I’ve reported on at least 40 of these already. You know what happens. However, for those slow people in the audience tonight…

Big boot, toss to the corner, headbutts, kicks, MOBH, match over.

Winner: Vladimir Kozlov

What Stood Out: Kozlov’s attire continues to be very…red.

BUT OH, WHAT’S THIS?! “Black Death” Ezekiel Jackson comes on out to deliver his standing uranage to the jobber, then leaves. Way too much red in that ring right now. It kind of hurts my eyes. The crowd hilariously chants “USA” at this, presumably not realizing that Jackson is from the United States, because, come on, it’s Baltimore. So, basically a mirror of last week. So, this night’s turning into basically a carbon copy of last night. SCORE ONE FOR VARIETY!

TO THE BACK now, with General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany having words in her office with former champ Tommy Dreamer. Dreamer vaguely implies that he’s done with wrestling or something, but we’ll see. He’ll get tired of fucking Beulah eventually. When that happens, I’LL BE THERE. After he leaves, Shelton Benjamin DEMANDS to get on Abraham Washington’s show, but GMGBT passes along that Abe doesn’t think he’s entertaining enough. HE’S CHANNELING THE IWC. Gregory Helms pops in for no reason really, but Shelton leaves claiming he’s going to do something entertaining. I’m scared.

Sheamus Vs. Goldust

Well, Irish aren’t known for being too tolerant of the gays…or at least that’s what Goldust is supposed to be, I think. I wouldn’t know, because ol’ Dustin simply does not give a SHIT about anything in the ring anymore.

So, Sheamus starts strong with some generic shoulder blocks, but Goldust retaliates with a bodyslam, which surprises the Irishman. After more offense by Goldy, Sheamus responds by catching a kick and hitting a loud-sounding body blow to take back over. And because he’s the hoss heel here, REST HOLDS GO. Goldust is actually getting some decent noise here, piped in or not. Maybe someone in the production truck thought it’d motivate him a little? Goldust battles out and hits some trademark stuff (drop-down uppercut, snap powerslam) for a couple two counts. However, going for the Final Cut, it’s all over from there, as Sheamus battles out, hits the bicycle kick, and the uranage backbreaker for the win.

Winner: Sheamus

What Stood Out: Well, considering this was the first match of Sheamus’ ECW career that wasn’t a simple squash (pretty back and forth until the finish), both guys held their own just dandy. This New Talent Initiative is proving to be decidedly less useless than the last one. So, there you have it. GMGBT is better at it than Teddy Long.

RECAP TIME. And the mission of these guest hosts is accomplished, as Shaq’s appearance gets WWE some time on SportsCenter. WWE: we’re whores for attention. Oh, and I was sorely tempted to use Shaq’s method of comedic delivery tonight. Emotionless and repeated ad nauseum. Oh, and to play Captain Obvious for a second here, if Michael Cole were any whiter, he’d be fucking Casper at this point. Though, something actually surprised me. ABSOLUTELY NO MENTION OF BEAT THE CLOCK WHATSOEVER IN THE PACKAGE. So, there is a God, and he is merciful.

Out comes the new ECW champion Christian now, coming to rant about his win Sunday. Christian says how winning the title a second time feels even better than the first, and how it was a good match Sunday and all that, but UH OH. Out comes former champ Tommy Dreamer to interrupt, looking a little sour. TOMMY DREAMER HEEL TURN. DO IT. Dreamer commences the verbal fellatio, saying congratulations, great match Sunday, all that shit. Tommy Dreamer also says his rematch is next week, in an Extreme Rules match. So, that’s interesting. Know what isn’t interesting? OHHHHH RADIOOOOO TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOWWWWW. Yep, Dick Ryder comes out to ruin this somewhat compelling segment, claiming before Christian worries about next week, Ryder’s going to beat him this week. I think the reason I hate him so much is because he does his job a little TOO well. His character is clearly a Long Island Guido fuck, which he plays to a T. And if there’s a type of person I hate, it’s them. I kind of steer clear of the NYC/North Jersey area solely for that reason. I’d like to not be convicted of a hate crime, thanks.

ECW Champion Christian Vs. Zack Ryder

So, no smarmy opening jokes this go around, NO TIME. They’re already into this match coming out of the break.

Ryder has the advantage in the early moments with an arm wrench, but Christian reverses it. Ryder hits a shoulder block, but then Christian gets back on top again, working an armlock of his own. Armdrag, slingshotting Ryder off the ropes, standing on Ryder while he’s hung up in the ropes, all of these get two counts. The armdrag, I can’t understand why. Ryder comes back with a knee for a two count, but Christian eventually flapjacks Ryder as he comes off the ropes in a nice spot. Basically, Ryder (deservingly) doesn’t mount any consistent offense, as he pretty much gets a shot in here and there before Christian goes ahead and schools him. In this case, Ryder shoulder thrusts a charging Christian in the stomach, but then on the outside, Christian just goes ahead and smashes Ryder’s face on the apron, before coming off the top with a cross-body. Going into the last break, both guys are taking a nap outside.

Back from break, Christian is IMMEDIATELY dropped off the top to the outside, but manages to get back in at 9. So, Ryder just resorts to putting the boots to Christian, and then works the abdominal stretch. Christian battles out, but a knee to the midsection stops that cold. Body scissors go on now for a little while, but Christian tries a surprise pin for two. Christian gets slung into the corner, shoulder thrusts galore, and then Christian is caught on the top and superplexed for two. However, showing what a varied arsenal he has, he goes for a superplex AGAIN. Because FAN LAW says that wrestlers can’t hit the same big move twice in a row, Ryder is shrugged off and Christian hits a cross body for two. It’s pretty much all Christian here, hitting all his signature stuff (the reverse DDT for example). However, Ryder hits a nice leg lariat out of nowhere for two. Christian comes back with a tornado DDT for two, but he gets tossed into the ring post when he charges Ryder in the corner. Zack Attack is armdragged out of, pendulum kick in the corner stuns Ryder, SHORYUKEN, and Christian hits the Killswitch from there to win this battle of awkward looking finishers.

Winner: Christian

What Stood Out: Credit where it’s due. Ryder looked damn good as the match was winding down. The lack of jokes was because I was actually pretty into the match. Also I couldn’t think of any.

Christian poses with the title as this edition of ECW wraps up, as Striker claims Christian is “moving on to Extreme Rules.” Whoopsie! Oh well, nobody’s perfect. Just me baby. THE END.

Uppers: Never thought I’d say this, but a Zack Ryder main event was actually some really compelling stuff. Well, the part after the final commercial break anyway. In addition, all of the ACTUAL wrestling matches were decent fare tonight. SO, uhh, hooray! A wrestling show that has wrestling, and is really good! Imagine that.

Downers: Hm. Well, the non-wrestling fare tonight was a little…off. I still have NO clue where this Jackson/Kozlov storyline is going, I don’t see what the point of backstage in GMGBT’s office was, the Christian/Dreamer segment was bland as a whole, and Tyler Reks got this show off to a BAD start with his little pre-match deal. Oh, and as usual, I’m not a fan of the Raw recaps taking away from valuable time on the show.

Overall: Two weeks of good shit in a row. Stay for the wrestling, but when people start talking, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RUN. RUN AWAY FAST.

And that’s it for this week. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find my balls, which seem to have sweated off while typing this report in the blast furnace I call my bedroom.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).