Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(07/21/09)
 
BORING-ASS week for me this time, I have to say. Pretty much missed most of Raw due to house-sitting my parents’ place for the week, but from what I saw, hoo boy, glad I did. I think it was so bad it gave me the flu, because I feel like total hell at the moment. So, expect this to be short-ish. Let’s get to it!

Still standing here in Richmond! And I feel the sudden urge to go to Japan and rave with blonde Asian chicks in schoolgirl outfits…

Yoshi Tatsu Vs. William Regal

Hmmm, didn’t hear much of anything for Yoshi tonight. Regal, however, got some noticeable boos coming out, so good for him. And to score one for variety, Regal declares he hates foreigners too! How totally unlike Shelton’s treatment of Yoshi! I like all people, of course. I mean, how can you hate on Yoshi? Those tights are far too shiny to frown on.

So it’s a stiff-a-thon from the get-go, with Yoshi getting the early advantage, only for Regal to lay in some haymakers to take over. Yoshi gets some shots in here and there, but Regal has an answer every time. That answer being punching Yoshi in the face or suplexing his face off. Straightjacket choke on Yoshi follows, only for Yoshi to get out. This causes Regal to go into RAGE MODE, and delivers a butterfly suplex while hilariously bellowing a manly grunt when he powers Yoshi up and over. Yoshi hits an enzuguiri to get on offense once again as Striker mistakes Yoshi for Piston Honda. Bullshit I say. Yoshi doesn’t NEARLY have the eyebrows for that role. From here on out it’s pretty much all Yoshi, hitting a variety of kicks and such. Yoshi tries to go up top from here, but gets knocked down from Regal. However, when Regal goes for a running knee, he misses and catches some Japanese foot to the face to get his wank-ass pinned.

Winner: Yoshi Tatsu

What Stood Out: Once again, the heat on Yoshi is puzzling, but undeniable. Apparently kicking people in the face is the in thing to do nowadays. On the other hand, however, Regal shined tonight as well, and the crowd reacted accordingly. Plus that butterfly suplex was AWESOME.

“Black Death” Ezekiel Jackson Vs. Mike Williams

Wow, when Zeke flexed, that was just frightening. Nothing scarier than a huge black dude. No, that’s not racist at all, why do you ask?

Also wow, this match had a grand total of THREE MOVES. Zeke hits a big boot, a clothesline, and his standing uranage for the win.

Winner: Ezekiel Jackson

What Stood Out: The match needs to go more than a minute for me to actually point something out damn it! Though, once again, Zeke’s total disregard for his opponent’s safety is rather refreshing to watch.

After the bell, it just gets from bad to worse for the jobber, because out comes Kozlov to out-hoss Ezekiel. He storms in, hits the MOBH, and then leaves. Zeke looks on, confused. MmmmmmOK then.

Now it’s time for ASK THE DIVAS. Kill me. Eve, Kelly, Maria, and the Bellas give out SPONTANEOUS (and not at all directly read from a teleprompter) dating advice in something that just was…painful to see. The only way they could’ve made it more forced is if they just held a piece of paper up to their face and read off that. Please leave that shit on Raw. Though, I’m glad these girls can READ. I’ll file that as a pleasant surprise.

Goldust Vs. Shelton Benjamin

Last week it was gay on gay violence. Now it’s gold on gold violence!

I like how the announcers hype Goldust’s look as being mysterious and bizarre, but all I see is total boredom. Like a “damn it why did Terri leave me” and “why didn’t I save my money and avoid being Black Rain” kind of look. Shelton’s all over Goldy from the get-go, working in a variety of strikes and rest holds. A snap suplex turns things around as once again Goldy does his best Scott Steiner HEH impression…along with basically breaking character in getting the crowd rallied. Shelton turns it around with a backbreaker, and then things just get…odd. Shelton goes for a move off the top rope, but lands about 5 feet short of a kneeling Goldust. So basically, Shelton just jumped down from the top turnbuckle. Goldust hits an uppercut for two, as I’m just plain scratching my head. So anyway, Shelton just snaps Goldust off the top rope and hits Paydirt right after for the win.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin

What Stood Out: All of the yellow makeup on Shelton’s chest after the match was over. Oh, and the utter what the fuckness of some parts of this match. I have a headache now.

Sheamus’ ghost is haunting backstage apparently, cutting a promo while his theme music plays in the background. Basically, he just says what I am thinking, on how Irish on ECW have been total ass, so Sheamus is here to non-gayify his race. An admirable quest, if I do say so myself.

After a quick rundown of Night of Champions, we go once again TO THE BACK to Gregory Helms interviewing the Burchills. Paul starts to talk about his match, when stutterin’ Goldust interrupts things backstage. Before Paul goes to wail on him though, Katie holds him back. I guess it would be a hate crime or something, for beating up the retarded.

Tyler Reks Vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill

So, this guy has had a televised match already, but since it was on Superstars, I didn’t see it. Nor do I care. However, I did his music. Loves me some Dick Dale. And yes, I know he didn’t actually compose Tyler’s music, considering the dude’s 72. I’m sure he has better things to do. Like getting ass cancer. On the other side of the fence, Katie Lea is back to her pirate hooker self, of which I always approve.

Reks get the early upper hand with a clothesline and a big BAAAAAAAAACK BODY DROP, but a Katie Lea distraction leads to Paul bringing back the Elijah Express and taking over with a chinlock. Reks tries to battle out, and hits a cross body for two, but a Samoan drop stops that shit cold. And right back to the chinlock. Randy Orton isn’t exactly the first guy I would use as inspiration for my matches, just saying. Paul hits a knee drop for two, and RIGHT BACK TO THE CHIN LOCK AGAIN HOLY SHIT DO SOMETHING ELSE. Reks battles out and win a slugfest, hitting a nice move as he hits a clothesline sliding on his knees. The funny thing is like an inch lower and we wouldn’t have to worry about any lil’ Burchills running around. Springboard front missile dropkick gets another two, but time for the Brits to bust out fancy suplexes again. It’s all for naught, however, as when Paul goes for the Elijah Express again, he misses and gets rolled up for ANOTHER loss.

Winner: Paul Burchill

What Stood Out: Reks had some nice moves; in particular he had a lot of agility for a big guy. Just like his opponent, not that you’d ever know that from his time in WWE. Eh, one of these days he’ll get a push. Of course, when that happens, I’ll be getting married to a Russian Supermodel while getting fellated by her mother. So, as you can see, TOTALLY POSSIBLE.

After the bell, Paul does not approve of his total suckage, and runs over Tyler as he exits the ring. The ref jumps in to prevent further shenanigans, So Tyler’s goofy dreads live to fight another day.

And now it’s time for the MAIN EVENT interview, another HI-LARIOUS edition of the Abraham Washington show. No sarcasm here, no sir. Apparently Abe’s been downgraded for putting on a steaming streak of shitty shows, because now his set’s on the ramp instead of in the ring. Next week, it’s backstage. The week after that, it’ll be in a supply closet. After hyping their match at Night of Champions (which he does effectively – hey the guy’s good on the mic but there’s only so much you can do with the shit he’s been given), Washington brings out Christian and Tommy Dreamer – of course, making fat jokes at Dreamer’s expense. It’s required. Dreamer comes out lookin’ sharp, wearing a beige suit. I just felt the need to note that. I was compelled. After MORE fat jokes because WWE creative is ALL about variety, Abraham turns on Christian by making ugly jokes. Hey, he’s Canadian, he can’t help it. Christian offers up some comebacks by saying how the show sucks, but then hypes up how he’s going to win. Washington counters with a joke about free cable that was admittedly funny. Dreamer and Christian argue some more, but Abe interrupts with more crap jokes. Dreamer goes into serious mode when Washington makes one fat joke too many, and after some more back and forth, the two competitors exchange bitch slaps. And that’s it. Good job hyping up their match on Sunday. Hell of a lot better than Raw! THE END.

Uppers: Once again, plenty of matches tonight. One less than last week, but still, when you’re used to 2-3 matches at the most, these past two episodes have been a little unusual. On the bright side, I found the matches to be a little better tonight. The opener was pretty solid with Yoshi and Regal, Ezekiel once again looked awesome beating the fuck out of some poor local guy (probably turning him off the whole idea of being a pro wrestler for a living), and a decent debut for a new guy, and it basically makes the most out of the quickie match formula that’s been going on in ECW the past couple weeks. Second up, while the Abraham Washington show tonight was still a bit on the meh side, it did a great job with hyping up the ECW match at Night of Champions. Can’t ask for much more than that. Finally, THE GLORIOUS RETURN OF NO RECAPS, ESPECIALLY RAW RECAPS. Oh how I’ve missed you.

Downers: Can’t really put my finger on it, but Goldust/Shelton Benjamin just did NOT do it for me tonight. Outside of that, Kozlov coming out all of a sudden confused the hell out of me. Are Ezekiel and Kozlov going to start a feud now or something?

Overall: Good stuff tonight. I’d probably be a little more enthusiastic about it if I wasn’t under the weather, but I recognize entertaining shows, regardless of condition.

Sorry that tonight wasn’t up to my low standards, but I feel like shit, deal with it. Now if you’ll excuse me, a turkey club is calling my name.

 

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).