assume you all missed
Welcome to a new era in TWF
history! How is my report any different?
Well…it isn’t. It’s still the same tedium
you’ve come to expect from ECW and myself. But
look! Pictures off to the right!
Before we get into the
report, I have a confession to make. A painful
one. I, Neil McGilloway…*lip quivers* watched
12 Rounds last Saturday. And…I morbidly
enjoyed it. Don’t get me wrong, as a movie in
general, it’s shit. However, going into the
movie knowing what it is (a shameless carbon copy of
Die Hard with a Vengeance, only done with shitty
acting, shitty camerawork, shitty everything), I
found making fun of it with two of my friends to be
pretty fun. It’s like going to one of those B
movies that you know is going to suck, but
thankfully sucks so much that it goes full circle
and becomes entertaining in its horribleness.
So, maybe that’s why it’s the #1 DVD right now?
I mean, it couldn’t possibly be because there’s
absolutely nothing else worth getting on the market
right now. Not at all. I feel a little
better now. Confession is good for the soul.
OK, let’s get to it!
here in Miami. Party in the city where the
heat is on, all night going to the break of dawn.
And now that I’ve thoroughly embarrassed myself BIG
WILLIE STYLE, let’s get right to the opener! Christian Vs. Shelton Benjamin
So, apparently the reason Christian won last
week was because Kozlov hit himself on an exposed
turnbuckle. I didn’t notice it, but I dare not
doubt Matt Striker. I don’t feel like getting
smited (is that a word? Smote? Fuck it,
it stays) tonight, sorry.
So, things start
slow here, but Christian soon picks it up with a
spinning heel kick for two. Shelton, master of
counters, flips out of a monkey flip attempt and
just settles for hurling Christian into the air (and
have him crash and burn) to get the advantage for a
while. Christian soon stuns a charging
Benjamin, hitting the SHORYUKEN (which Striker calls
it as such, so yay for more cash from my copyright),
only for Shelton to take advantage of a distracted
Christian. How, you say? Well, Christian
went up to the top rope AGAIN (seriously, I don’t
recall him being this much of a high flyer), Kozlov
comes on out to look generally constipated, and
Shelton just shoves him off the turnbuckle to the
floor going in break. The more you know.
*Shooting star and ba-ba-ba-baaaaaa*
from break, Vlad is ON COMMENTARY. Time to
lube up for the impending ear rape. Christian
is nursing a sore arm, which Shelton quickly takes
advantage of with various holds and knee drops and
all that. As I was distracted by Kozlov
alternating between English and Russian at the drop
of a hat (Russianglish?), Christian makes his
comeback by shrugging off a superplex attempt and
hitting a missile dropkick. Tornado DDT
follows up shortly after for two, as Striker tries
with all his might to get some sort of charisma out
of Kozlov, but to no avail. All his answers
are deadpan and short. Exciting commentary, I
tells you. Shelton goes back on offense,
working an armbar for a while, and both guys go up
top again. Difference this time Shelton
Spider-Mans up and hits what looks like a super
Paydirt (it was focused on the arm though) for two.
So, Shelton just goes ahead and hits the regular
kind after shrugging off a Killswitch attempt and
tossing Christian into the steel post. Huh.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
What Stood Out: Benjamin won?! Have to
say, I did NOT see that coming. Nothing like
making the #1 contender look threatening, right?
Also, Kozlov was amazingly boring on commentary.
That, I’m not so surprised about.
After the bell (and some shots of smilin’ Kozlov who
hilariously proclaims he can do anything Shelton
Benjamin could do in the ring – WWE, make that shit
happen), we cut backstage for a quickie interview
with Ezekiel Jackson. Surprise #2 of the night
– dude’s got a personality! He confidently
proclaims his greatness, how good shape he’s in, how
The Brian Kendrick needed him, etc., etc. All
he needs is new ring attire and he’ll move up
several notches in my book. The red trunks
make me have Vietnam flashbacks to Ahmed Johnson,
and that’s never good. Even sadder that I used
to legit think Ahmed was awesome. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill Vs. Yoshi
So, is it live tonight?
Because Yoshi got some damn decent cheers tonight.
Who knew kicking Shelton Benjamin in the face got
you so much heat? On the other side of the coin,
remember that encounter between Katie Lean and
General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany, which
indicated that Paul was going to start tearing ass
up in the ring? Yep, jobber entrance this week
after not even being on TV for weeks (I know it has
to do with his brother dying in Iraq, save the
mail). Oh well, his never-ending plight
So, Yoshi’s definitely reaching
critical mass in “plucky babyface” territory,
because he’s getting his ass kicked all over the
ring by Paul. Katie Lea (thankfully with less
ridiculous makeup than last week) joins in with a
pride-obliterating bitch slap too. Did the Brits
ever conquer Japan? I don’t careremember.
Yoshi eventually turns things around with a kicking
frenzy, but one for the Botchamania reels comes
right up soon after. Yoshi tried to go for
that springboard spinning heel kick from last week,
but slips right the fuck off the ropes in the
process. For what it’s worth, they recovered
nicely, with Paul quickly putting Yoshi in a Saito
suplex for two, without skipping a beat. Paul
does some arguing with the ref, then turns around
into THE ROUNDHOUSE KICK OF DEATH to get his sorry
ass pinned once again.
What Stood Out: The botch,
really. To their credit, both guys worked
around it like champs. So, that’ll keep
Yoshi’s stock high, and who knows, Paul might GET A
FUCKING PUSH one of these days. It’s just
frustrating because the guy can seriously go in the
ring, yet WWE can’t do a DAMN thing with him.
TO THE BACK now, as GMGBT whores herself out to
the new talent, having a quickie…MEETING with Tyler
Reks. So he apparently fought on Superstars,
but he’ll get his ECW debut next week. That
was about it. Yep, compelling stuff.
HEY, LOOK AT THE PICTURES OVER THERE! Goldust Vs. Sack Ryder (Note: Not a typo)
Can’t we stop the gay on gay violence already?!
OK, Zack got a laugh out of me in the early
going. I can admit it. When Goldust goes
for his corner feel-up, Ryder is quick to yell “YOU
SERIOUS BRO? YOU SERIOUS?” obscenely loud.
Enjoy it, you gay bastard. It will not happen
again. Goldust controls the early going with
the ass attack sending Zack to the outside, but
Ryder turns things around and takes Goldy right to
chinlock city. All the while, both guys are
doing enough “HEH”s to put Scott Steiner to shame.
Goldust turns it around with a snap power slam,
bionic elbow, and other rather boring offense that I
simply could not care about. However, Zack
gets his ass kicked heartily for several minutes,
which I approve of. Crap, it doesn’t last, as
Zack stuns Goldust on the turnbuckle and hits his
reverse Playmaker (called the Zack Attack) for the
Winner: Zack Ryder
Stood Out: Zack wasn’t met with TOTAL apathy
tonight. He got a handful of drunken guys
chanting against him, so that’s a start. Still
hate the guy, though.
RIGHT TO THE RAW RECAP
. Really didn’t get the
connection between Seth Green and “Welcome to the
Jungle,” but ok then. I did see the opening
segment, which I felt DIED. Though, two funny
things. Seth’s still an actor, yet he looked
more wooden than an oak tree out there.
Secondly, it’s still amazing how normal-ish people
look compared to these muscular oafs. Looked
like a redheaded Hornswoggle out there. Sooo…the
main event ended in another no contest? Two
weeks in a row! What inventive thinking!
I sure do HATE IT when my matches have conclusive
finishes. Oh, and that ending shot reminded me
of Macho Man and Miss Elizabeth. Yes, I just
called HHH Macho Man (though that’s apt, since
they’re both guys that love to put the spurs to
Stephanie) and Seth Green is Miss Elizabeth.
Try getting that image out of your head next time
you masturbate. Though, that begs the
question, why are you masturbating to corpses?
You sick fuck.
Time for a quick and
pointless recap of the MYSTERY MAN saving that
unrealistically hot stagehand last week. After
that, time for the return of the SONIC BOOM:
Sheamus Vs. Roman Cornell
shame that he’s getting met with the WHAT chants.
Score one for Xenophobia! Yeah! He can’t
speak English that well, so he’s a lower being than
us! USA! USA! Unfortunately, dude’s got a
lisp. Not Jack Swagger level, but it’s there.
After introducing himself to the jobber du jour, to
Yeah, nothing to this one, as he
hits some general hosstacularness to start us off.
Jobber decides to hit a few chops, and Sheamus
quickly responds with a bicycle kick that looked
very painful. Uranage backbreaker right after
finishes this one in a hurry.
What Stood Out: Eh, it was a
squash, but yeah, his finisher is devastating
looking, and his music is growing on me. See
Finlay? You too can have non-shitty Irish
After an EXTREME rewind (which
was simply the second video package tonight about
the Christian/Kozlov match from last week) and an
announcement of the return of the Abraham Washington
show next week with Tommy Dreamer and Christian,
it’s time for our MAIN EVENT: Vladimir Kozlov Vs. ECW Champion
Tommy Dreamer, Non-Title Match
Considering this started at about 10:58, I’m not
exactly expecting a classic here…
starts up immediately as Kozlov schools Dreamer in
the early going, because ALL FOREIGNERS ARE EVIL,
THAT’S WHY. Dreamer quickly comes back with
elbows and such to the delight of nobody.
Kozlov goes for headbutts to various body parts,
hitting a big boot to send Dreamer to the outside.
Kozlov goes for the boot again on the outside, but
tanks it right into the steel post, giving Dreamer
the momentary advantage. As Dreamer goes up
top, Kozlov hilariously action movie dives for the
top rope, and it’s pretty much all academic from
there. Dreamer eventually tries to leap off
the top rope, but he gets headbutted down (well
that’s what it was supposed to be but Kozlov just
shoved Dreamer in mid-air), and hit with the MOBH
for the loss. Holy shit that was boring.
Winner: Vladimir Kozlov
Out: BOR-ING. And the crowd was quick to
take notice by staying pretty silent the whole
After the bell, Kozlov tunes up
Dreamer a little more before Christian’s out for the
run-in. And what does he get for his trouble?
Yeah, he gets his ass kicked too. Smilin’
Kozlov leaves the ECW match at Night of Champions
laying as we close out this week’s episode.
Buying my tickets right now! THE END.
Whole lot of wrestling
tonight. FIVE. Count ‘em, FIVE matches
tonight. Considering that it’s only an hour
show, that’s pretty ridiculous. For the most
part, the wrestling in each was rather inoffensive.
So, in this case, inoffensive = good. Downers:
about where it ends. The problem with having
so many matches is that pretty much none of them end
up going longer than 5 minutes. When your main
event is pretty much the same length as a Divas piss
break, then things haven’t been put together well.
Also, I can see where they’re coming from in a way
(making new stars and all that), but…they just plain
jobbed their PPV match right the hell out tonight.
How that convinces anyone to order Night of
Champions is beyond me. Overall:
Thumbs in the middle for
tonight. While I can appreciate cramming as
much wrestling as possible into the show, tonight
was overkill. Less is more, people!
This is Neil McGilloway, saying to go check out all
of the other good shit on this site. Because
if there’s a lesson to be learned in life, it’s that
style is always better than substance. ALWAYS.