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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(07/14/09)
 
I assume you all missed me dearly.
 
Welcome to a new era in TWF history!  How is my report any different?  Well…it isn’t.  It’s still the same tedium you’ve come to expect from ECW and myself.  But look!  Pictures off to the right!  Ooooooooooh, purdy.
 
Before we get into the report, I have a confession to make.  A painful one.  I, Neil McGilloway…*lip quivers* watched 12 Rounds last Saturday.  And…I morbidly enjoyed it.  Don’t get me wrong, as a movie in general, it’s shit.  However, going into the movie knowing what it is (a shameless carbon copy of Die Hard with a Vengeance, only done with shitty acting, shitty camerawork, shitty everything), I found making fun of it with two of my friends to be pretty fun.  It’s like going to one of those B movies that you know is going to suck, but thankfully sucks so much that it goes full circle and becomes entertaining in its horribleness.  So, maybe that’s why it’s the #1 DVD right now?  I mean, it couldn’t possibly be because there’s absolutely nothing else worth getting on the market right now.  Not at all.  I feel a little better now.  Confession is good for the soul.  OK, let’s get to it!
 
 
Still standing here in Miami.  Party in the city where the heat is on, all night going to the break of dawn.  And now that I’ve thoroughly embarrassed myself BIG WILLIE STYLE, let’s get right to the opener!
 
Christian Vs. Shelton Benjamin
 
So, apparently the reason Christian won last week was because Kozlov hit himself on an exposed turnbuckle.  I didn’t notice it, but I dare not doubt Matt Striker.  I don’t feel like getting smited (is that a word?  Smote?  Fuck it, it stays) tonight, sorry.
 
So, things start slow here, but Christian soon picks it up with a spinning heel kick for two.  Shelton, master of counters, flips out of a monkey flip attempt and just settles for hurling Christian into the air (and have him crash and burn) to get the advantage for a while.  Christian soon stuns a charging Benjamin, hitting the SHORYUKEN (which Striker calls it as such, so yay for more cash from my copyright), only for Shelton to take advantage of a distracted Christian.  How, you say?  Well, Christian went up to the top rope AGAIN (seriously, I don’t recall him being this much of a high flyer), Kozlov comes on out to look generally constipated, and Shelton just shoves him off the turnbuckle to the floor going in break.  The more you know. *Shooting star and ba-ba-ba-baaaaaa*
 
Back from break, Vlad is ON COMMENTARY.  Time to lube up for the impending ear rape.  Christian is nursing a sore arm, which Shelton quickly takes advantage of with various holds and knee drops and all that.  As I was distracted by Kozlov alternating between English and Russian at the drop of a hat (Russianglish?), Christian makes his comeback by shrugging off a superplex attempt and hitting a missile dropkick.  Tornado DDT follows up shortly after for two, as Striker tries with all his might to get some sort of charisma out of Kozlov, but to no avail.  All his answers are deadpan and short.  Exciting commentary, I tells you.  Shelton goes back on offense, working an armbar for a while, and both guys go up top again.  Difference this time Shelton Spider-Mans up and hits what looks like a super Paydirt (it was focused on the arm though) for two.  So, Shelton just goes ahead and hits the regular kind after shrugging off a Killswitch attempt and tossing Christian into the steel post.  Huh.  OK then.
 
Winner:  Shelton Benjamin
 
What Stood Out:  Benjamin won?!  Have to say, I did NOT see that coming.  Nothing like making the #1 contender look threatening, right?  Also, Kozlov was amazingly boring on commentary.  That, I’m not so surprised about. 
 
After the bell (and some shots of smilin’ Kozlov who hilariously proclaims he can do anything Shelton Benjamin could do in the ring – WWE, make that shit happen), we cut backstage for a quickie interview with Ezekiel Jackson.  Surprise #2 of the night – dude’s got a personality!  He confidently proclaims his greatness, how good shape he’s in, how The Brian Kendrick needed him, etc., etc.  All he needs is new ring attire and he’ll move up several notches in my book.  The red trunks make me have Vietnam flashbacks to Ahmed Johnson, and that’s never good.  Even sadder that I used to legit think Ahmed was awesome. 
 
Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill Vs. Yoshi Tatsu
 
So, is it live tonight?  Because Yoshi got some damn decent cheers tonight.  Who knew kicking Shelton Benjamin in the face got you so much heat? On the other side of the coin, remember that encounter between Katie Lean and General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany, which indicated that Paul was going to start tearing ass up in the ring?  Yep, jobber entrance this week after not even being on TV for weeks (I know it has to do with his brother dying in Iraq, save the mail).  Oh well, his never-ending plight continues.
 
So, Yoshi’s definitely reaching critical mass in “plucky babyface” territory, because he’s getting his ass kicked all over the ring by Paul.  Katie Lea (thankfully with less ridiculous makeup than last week) joins in with a pride-obliterating bitch slap too. Did the Brits ever conquer Japan?  I don’t careremember.  Yoshi eventually turns things around with a kicking frenzy, but one for the Botchamania reels comes right up soon after.  Yoshi tried to go for that springboard spinning heel kick from last week, but slips right the fuck off the ropes in the process.  For what it’s worth, they recovered nicely, with Paul quickly putting Yoshi in a Saito suplex for two, without skipping a beat.  Paul does some arguing with the ref, then turns around into THE ROUNDHOUSE KICK OF DEATH to get his sorry ass pinned once again.
 
Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu
 
What Stood Out:  The botch, really.  To their credit, both guys worked around it like champs.  So, that’ll keep Yoshi’s stock high, and who knows, Paul might GET A FUCKING PUSH one of these days.  It’s just frustrating because the guy can seriously go in the ring, yet WWE can’t do a DAMN thing with him.
 
 
TO THE BACK now, as GMGBT whores herself out to the new talent, having a quickie…MEETING with Tyler Reks.  So he apparently fought on Superstars, but he’ll get his ECW debut next week.  That was about it.  Yep, compelling stuff.  HEY, LOOK AT THE PICTURES OVER THERE!
 
 
Goldust Vs. Sack Ryder (Note:  Not a typo)
 
Can’t we stop the gay on gay violence already?!
 
OK, Zack got a laugh out of me in the early going.  I can admit it.  When Goldust goes for his corner feel-up, Ryder is quick to yell “YOU SERIOUS BRO?  YOU SERIOUS?” obscenely loud.  Enjoy it, you gay bastard.  It will not happen again.  Goldust controls the early going with the ass attack sending Zack to the outside, but Ryder turns things around and takes Goldy right to chinlock city.  All the while, both guys are doing enough “HEH”s to put Scott Steiner to shame.  Goldust turns it around with a snap power slam, bionic elbow, and other rather boring offense that I simply could not care about.  However, Zack gets his ass kicked heartily for several minutes, which I approve of.  Crap, it doesn’t last, as Zack stuns Goldust on the turnbuckle and hits his reverse Playmaker (called the Zack Attack) for the win.
 
Winner:  Zack Ryder
 
What Stood Out:  Zack wasn’t met with TOTAL apathy tonight.  He got a handful of drunken guys chanting against him, so that’s a start.  Still hate the guy, though.
 
 
RIGHT TO THE RAW RECAP.  Really didn’t get the connection between Seth Green and “Welcome to the Jungle,” but ok then.  I did see the opening segment, which I felt DIED.  Though, two funny things.  Seth’s still an actor, yet he looked more wooden than an oak tree out there.  Secondly, it’s still amazing how normal-ish people look compared to these muscular oafs.  Looked like a redheaded Hornswoggle out there.  Sooo…the main event ended in another no contest?  Two weeks in a row!  What inventive thinking!  I sure do HATE IT when my matches have conclusive finishes.  Oh, and that ending shot reminded me of Macho Man and Miss Elizabeth.  Yes, I just called HHH Macho Man (though that’s apt, since they’re both guys that love to put the spurs to Stephanie) and Seth Green is Miss Elizabeth.  Try getting that image out of your head next time you masturbate.  Though, that begs the question, why are you masturbating to corpses?  You sick fuck.
 
 
Time for a quick and pointless recap of the MYSTERY MAN saving that unrealistically hot stagehand last week.  After that, time for the return of the SONIC BOOM:
 
Sheamus Vs. Roman Cornell
 
It’s a shame that he’s getting met with the WHAT chants.  Score one for Xenophobia!  Yeah!  He can’t speak English that well, so he’s a lower being than us! USA! USA!  Unfortunately, dude’s got a lisp.  Not Jack Swagger level, but it’s there.  After introducing himself to the jobber du jour, to the match!
 
Yeah, nothing to this one, as he hits some general hosstacularness to start us off.  Jobber decides to hit a few chops, and Sheamus quickly responds with a bicycle kick that looked very painful.  Uranage backbreaker right after finishes this one in a hurry.
 
Winner:  Sheamus
 
What Stood Out:  Eh, it was a squash, but yeah, his finisher is devastating looking, and his music is growing on me.  See Finlay?  You too can have non-shitty Irish music!
 
 
After an EXTREME rewind (which was simply the second video package tonight about the Christian/Kozlov match from last week) and an announcement of the return of the Abraham Washington show next week with Tommy Dreamer and Christian, it’s time for our MAIN EVENT:
 
Vladimir Kozlov Vs. ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer, Non-Title Match
 
Considering this started at about 10:58, I’m not exactly expecting a classic here…
 
USA chant starts up immediately as Kozlov schools Dreamer in the early going, because ALL FOREIGNERS ARE EVIL, THAT’S WHY.  Dreamer quickly comes back with elbows and such to the delight of nobody.  Kozlov goes for headbutts to various body parts, hitting a big boot to send Dreamer to the outside.  Kozlov goes for the boot again on the outside, but tanks it right into the steel post, giving Dreamer the momentary advantage.  As Dreamer goes up top, Kozlov hilariously action movie dives for the top rope, and it’s pretty much all academic from there.  Dreamer eventually tries to leap off the top rope, but he gets headbutted down (well that’s what it was supposed to be but Kozlov just shoved Dreamer in mid-air), and hit with the MOBH for the loss.  Holy shit that was boring.
 
Winner:  Vladimir Kozlov
 
What Stood Out:  BOR-ING.  And the crowd was quick to take notice by staying pretty silent the whole match.
 
After the bell, Kozlov tunes up Dreamer a little more before Christian’s out for the run-in.  And what does he get for his trouble?  Yeah, he gets his ass kicked too.  Smilin’ Kozlov leaves the ECW match at Night of Champions laying as we close out this week’s episode.  Buying my tickets right now!  THE END.
 
 
Uppers:  Whole lot of wrestling tonight.  FIVE.  Count ‘em, FIVE matches tonight.  Considering that it’s only an hour show, that’s pretty ridiculous.  For the most part, the wrestling in each was rather inoffensive.  So, in this case, inoffensive = good.
 
Downers:  Sadly, that’s about where it ends.  The problem with having so many matches is that pretty much none of them end up going longer than 5 minutes.  When your main event is pretty much the same length as a Divas piss break, then things haven’t been put together well.  Also, I can see where they’re coming from in a way (making new stars and all that), but…they just plain jobbed their PPV match right the hell out tonight.  How that convinces anyone to order Night of Champions is beyond me.
 
Overall:  Thumbs in the middle for tonight.  While I can appreciate cramming as much wrestling as possible into the show, tonight was overkill.  Less is more, people!
 
 
This is Neil McGilloway, saying to go check out all of the other good shit on this site.  Because if there’s a lesson to be learned in life, it’s that style is always better than substance.  ALWAYS.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).