ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(07/14/09)

 

Welcome back to the EC…W Report?  OK, what the fuck is this shit?  Warehouse 13?  SyFy?  DAMN IT.

*Waits two days*

OK, that’s better.  Still stuck with that retarded channel name, though.  Clearly, Hooked on Phonics is not needed to be an NBC Universal executive.  Impropper gramer iz kewl!

Still standing here in Bakersfield!  Isn’t that where The Running Man is set?  A fine film, featuring professional wrestler Jesse Ventura.  ECW coming back just brings everything full circle.  Eh, I got nothing.

One of the Bellas (who gives a crap) Vs. Katie Lea Burchill

OK, because you care, OBVIOUSLY, it’s Nikki who’s fighting.  They proceed to give quite possibly the shittiest promo I’ve ever heard that NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU TWO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET THE HELL OFF OF MY TV.  Whoop, sorry there, must’ve missed taking my meds earlier.  Anyway, the promo?  They say their names, then they reverse it (Brie calls herself Nikki and vice versa) and then they say they’re the Bella twins.  Like I said, horrible.  But, not as horrible as what’s on Katie Lea’s face.  OK, I lied, it’s still worse.  But yeah, apparently Katie was inspired by the Mike Tyson handbook of tattoos, because she’s got quite the design on her face.  Well, at least she got her own music, which isn’t half bad.

So, after venting for a little bit…oh crap, there’s a match?  Yeah, basically Katie beats the SHIT out of Nikki for about 4 minutes straight, only for the twins to switch and have Brie score with a facebuster to pick up the pin.  Sorry, didn’t work for Jacob & Eli Blu, doesn’t work now.

Winner:  The worthless twins…now in female variety!

What Stood Out:  Actually, for what it’s worth, Katie Lea looked damn good in the ring, managing to get something remotely compelling out of those wastes of space.  Her various backbreakers and neckbreakers looked damn harsh, that’s for sure.  OH WELL, you weren’t hired from a modeling agency, so straight to jobberville for you!  The only way this would’ve been worse is if she was hit with the DEADLY ROLL-UP that was a hit with those kinds of divas not too long ago.  Looking at you, Kelly Kelly.

After the match is over, they are wasting NO TIME tonight, that’s for sure.  After doing a recap of Shelton Benjamin’s delicious racism last week, we go right into the ring entrances of the next match…

Yoshi Tatsu Vs. Shelton Benjamin

Yoshi’s music isn’t doing him any favors, that’s for sure.  It’s a shame it cut to commercial when he came out, because I want to see what his ‘tron looks like know.  Just him throwing that roundhouse, over and over.  It’s no Gregory Helms “tilts head to the left,” I’m sure.

So these two decide to have an actual match this week, with Shelton wailing away on Yoshi for the first few minutes, as a probably piped-in “Yoshi” chant gets going.  Yoshi fights back with some kicks of his own, but now it’s the BLACK man who’s calling the shots!  Or not, because he gets caught in a backslide as soon as I typed that.  Thankfully (because I don’t want two bullshit matches in a row) that only gets a two.  Yoshi tries for the roundhouse as soon as Shelton gets up, but Benjamin bails to the outside immediately.  So to sum up this match so far:  punch, punch, kick, dropkick, maybe a wrestling move at one point, and more kicks.

Back from break, Yoshi hits a running cross body, but when he tries to go for a second, he whiffs, then gets alley oop’d into the turnbuckle, before working in the WWE STYLE KOKINA CLUTCH.  Again, more chants for Yoshi.  Never has one kick gotten someone so over.  Shelton works some camel clutchage for a little while, only to start a nice little exchange that ends with another two count on Shelton.  After that, Yoshi decides to get good all of a sudden, hitting a nice handful of moves.  First was like a roll-through snapmare into a buzzsaw kick to a seated Benjamin, which gets a two.  Next is a springboard spinning heel kick, which gets another two.  Sadly, his Japanese style is NO MATCH FOR WWE GENERIC STYLE, as after both guys whiff on roundhouse kicks, Shelton scores with the Paydirt for the win.

Winner:  Shelton Benjamin

What Stood Out:  Actually an OK match, even if it was a bit light on the actual wrestling.  I’m not a real viewer of Japanese wrestling, so you’re going to have to cut me some slack on this one.  However, Yoshi did look impressive tonight.  Shame someone had to lose, seeing how both guys are new to ECW.  But, that’s how both people get put over.  I would assume Triple H did not see this match.

Hey, haven’t seen one of these in a while – USELESS KOZLOV TRAINING FILLER GO!  I just find it funny how those video packages make him look so awesome, and then that gets IMMEDIATELY cancelled out as soon as he steps in the ring.  Wait, that’s not funny.  That’s just tragic.

Since it’s the middle of the show…RAW RECAP.  God, Ted Dibiase’s laugh is still awesome.  If he does that during any of his Million Dollar Man act while doing his sermons, I AM SO FUCKING MOVING TO PALM SPRINGS IMMEDIATELY.  Virgil as an altar boy?  GOD I hope so.  Tell me you wouldn’t love your reverend wearing the Million Dollar Belt over his robe.  So yeah, there was also some stuff about the Main Event, which I thought was boring as hell.  “I got you in a sleeper!”  “NO, I got YOU in a sleeper!”  That sucked when I was 6, and it sucked when I’m 26.

Ezekiel Jackson Vs. Some Jobber

Hey, way to debut man…about 3 months after you were drafted.  He proceeds to play catch up with a little insert promo as he gets in the ring.  He’s going to dominate, blah blah, nothing you haven’t heard before.  Also, don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure his theme music is from the Brawl for All, only with lyrics added.  So he’s like a black Dr. Death.  Black Death?  If it wasn’t already taken by a medieval plague, that’d be a kickass nickname.  Fuck it, it’s sticking.

Well DAMN, this guy probably knew he had to make an impression, because he fucking DESTROYS this guy.  It looks pretty painful – I mean, he makes a damn BEARHUG look deadly.  Zeke adds on a LARIATO, running the guy into the turnbuckle after throwing him into the air and catching him, and slam dunking the jobber with a standing uranage to end it.

Winner:  Ezekiel Jackson

What Stood Out:  OUCH.  Safe style probably isn’t in this guy’s vocabulary.  As far as squashes go, this was the squashiest.  So, good job. 

TO THE BACK now, where a female backstage hand (who’s thin and attractive so I have no doubt that she works in stage construction and set design) falls off a ladder and gets saved by SOME MYSTERIOUS MASKED MAN IN BLACK AND GREEN THAT I HAVE NO CLUE WHO IT IS NO SIR.  The mystery man swooshes off as General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany pops into frame to ask what happened.  Way to earn that paycheck!

OK, after a blatantly false DID YOU KNOW bumper (SyFy didn’t exist one week ago, let alone 40) let’s try this trainwreck again.  Abraham Washington is out to host his talk show again.  Yay.  After some completely undeserved self-fellatio, he brings out Tommy Dreamer as his guest this week.  Apparently, no one finds it absurd that they’re sitting in a pretend talk show set in the middle of the ring.  I guess once Eric Bischoff has done it, it’s perfectly natural in the wrestling world.  So, taking a page out of Raven’s playbook, numerous fat jokes ensue.  Though, Dreamer does get in a snappy comeback, claiming his diet is working about as well as this talk show.  Score one for self-deprecation and realizing how shitty this segment is!  Dreamer is quick to name-drop various ECW alumnus, including (of course because it’s required in the WWE to say his name whenever possible) Eddie Guerrero.  Dreamer has some good chops, as he then makes a comeback from another fat joke by ripping on Washington’s shiny dome.  So, after amateur hour, they get down to talking about the main event tonight, which brings out Kozlov in his ridiculously red outfit.  Dude looks like a walking stop sign.  Well, no fisticuffs between the two tonight, as Abraham just puts over how great Kozlov is before going to break.  A break, may I add, that is trying to sell how AWESOME and CAN’T MISS a match between Chavo Guerrero and Hornswoggle is going to be.  Thank GOD I don’t get WGN.  Oh yeah, this talk show crap was better than last week, at least.  Of course, I’ve taken shits more entertaining than last week with the Bellas.

Vladimir Kozlov Vs. Christian, #1 Contender’s Match for the ECW Championship

Dreamer gets on commentary for this match, and immediately becomes awesome by turning into full-on Don King promoter mode for the match.  Also, I haven’t noticed this, but Christian’s outfit has gotten progressively more…um, sequined.  Now, I know the guy’s married, so he loves the pussy, but still.  Christian and his designer need to have a little talk about their feelings.

Christian gets the advantage with speed early, but the sheer hossiness wins out eventually.  Oops, spoke too soon, as Christian low bridges Kozlov out of the ring, using a baseball slide to keep him out.  Oops, spoke too soon again.  Kozlov headbutts Christian, tosses him outside, and then brings him back in for happy fun time.  Side bearhug, fallaway slam, torture rack, all that good stuff.  Throughout this, both announcers take turns taking potshots at the champ, saying how he’s dodging Kozlov.  Admirable, but there is a match going on and all, guys.  Christian finally turns it around when he slips out of getting rammed into the steel on the outside, and then hitting a missile dropkick for two.  Kozlov answers back with a Shock Treatment for two, as the announcers make fun of Dreamer for sweating through his suit, while JUST SITTING THERE.  Guess we know who’s the new Mark Henry around here!  Anyway, this match ends really suddenly when Kozlov misses a running headbutt to the corner, and Christian hits a Killswitch for the win.

Winner:  Christian

What Stood Out:  The result, really.  Have to say, I was expecting Dreamer/Kozlov at the PPV.  I’m guessing a higher up realized the gates of hell would open up and rain fire onto the planet the second that catastrofuck got started, and nixed the idea in favor of Dreamer/Christian, part 4,167.  Still have about 148,693 matches to go to catch up with Orton/HHH, though. 

After the bell, Christian goes up the ramp, making various hand signals, as everybody tries to sell the ECW Title match at Night of Champions.  Kozlov, meanwhile, just stands in the ring, looking generally constipated and mildly annoyed.  I assume it’s supposed to be FURIOUS ANGER.  THE END.

Uppers:  Hmmm, I’ll have to say as far as what was GOOD tonight…that’s a tough one.  Yoshi/Shelton was the best thing on this show, and was definitely entertaining.  I’m skeptical to his pops being legit, but if so…damn, good job WWE, because Yoshi sounded and looked like a star out there tonight.  Also, Ezekiel put on probably the most entertaining squash I’ve seen in a LONG time.  All he had to do is have no regard whatsoever for the other guy’s safety!  It’s that simple!

Downers:  Oh so many.  First off, the diva’s opener.  LAME.  I likes me some Katie Lea, but beauty by Sherri Martel just isn’t her thing.  Also, can’t make her look credible at all, eh?  No?  OK then.  That aside, Abraham Washington continues to suck copious amounts of dick.  At this point, I am hoping being unfunny is his gimmick.  The dude has charisma and all, but his segments are falling flat in a big way.  Again, it was better than last week, but that’s not saying much.  Also, not a fan of the main event tonight.  It felt a bit rushed, as there were only like 8 minutes left in the hour once the bell rang.  Plus, one of the competitors WAS Kozlov.  Can’t make gold out of shit.  Also, kind of funny, as I just realized something.  By this show going into overtime, they cut into Superstars’ time.  Oh well, who cares about that show?  Not me, that’s who.

Overall:  Thumbs firmly in the middle tonight, as the good moments were thoroughly cancelled out by shit.  Lack of Sheamus wasn’t doing them any favors either.  Sorry, I just want that hair on my TV at all times.

Well, that’s all for me.  Enjoy your other 3 hours of wrestling tonight!  Or, you know, you could get a life…but that takes effort.  I feel your pain.