Still standing here one
last time in Kansas City! Because when I think
ECW, I think the midwest. And after a touching
video on the history of ECW (old ECW which doesn't
last long because UH OH viewers might find out that
it was good at one point before coming the diseased
corpse it is now), we get immediate hype for NXT,
with the cast being revealed tonight. Yes,
CAST. Like I said, reality show. What a
birthday present, WWE. FIRST MATCH GO.
Unified Tag Team Champions The Miz and Big Show Vs.
Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu
Now see, I didn't watch Raw
last night. Looking at the recap, glad I
didn't. However I didn't happen to get a
listen of the theme mash-up between Big Show and
Miz. AWWWWWWWWWFUL. Oh, and for some
reason, Yoshi's sporting Adon armbands or something.
Now, start standing on one leg constantly and have
all your moves names start with Jaguar.
Oh, Miz gets turned into
smashed ass for about five minutes via Yoshi and
Goldy double teams, but Goldust makes a mistake
giving chase to Miz on the outside...leading to a
blind tag and Goldust getting headbutted from
behind. Ouch. Show stalks Goldy like
he's a buffet station going into the break.
Back from break, Goldust
manages to tag to FUCKING STOP SAYING THE CARDIAC
KID IT'S RETARDED Yoshi, but Miz tags out to Show
leading to utter prison rape. Asian guys fetch
a high price in the slammer due to their girlish
figures, right? Anyway, the champs take turns
beating the spray tan off of Yoshi Tatsu (with Big
Show going into MMA mode for a second with a kinda
Anaconda Vise) until a discus elbow to Miz's face
allows Goldust get the hot tag. Things break
right the fuck down from here, with Show trying to
interfere until Yoshi feebly tries to stop him.
Yep, that was the opposite of effective. Yoshi
gets tossed like a bitch while Goldust is mounting
Miz for the corner punches, but a shot to the gut
stops that cold. Skullcrushing Finale finishes
Winner: Miz and Big Show
What Stood Out: I don't
think I've ever seen Yoshi look more feeble than in
After the match (featuring
Miz and Show hilariously overcelebrating the
win...come on guys, it's Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu),
we get the concept of NXT - Pros mentoring rookies.
So the first pairing? Jericho and Wade Barret,
and next up is Matt Hardy (who looks like a fucking
lardass and a half in the picture supplied) and
Justin Gabriel. The high point is Josh
Matthews trying to hype the rookies, such as
(seriously, this is what I heard) for Justin
Gabriel: "From Cape Town, South Africa, being
compared to Johnny Damon and Adam Lambert." My
first reaction is...WHAT THE HELLLLLLL does that
have to do with wrestling? Oh God this is
going to tank so hard.
TO THE BACK now with
General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany trying (and
failing as usual) to hype NXT when she's
interrupted by Ryder and Rosa. I...think she's
angry, but as usual, total lack of emotion rears its
ugly head. Zack demands to be in the final
match of ECW, but gets denied because he lost to
Christian last week on Superstars. Rosa jumps
in with Spanish, leading to ALMOST EMOTION from
GMGBT saying the answer's still no. Ryder then
brings up that because it's extreme rules, he can
get involved if he wants to anyway. Subtlety
isn't exactly WWE's strong suit.
Next NXT pairing, MVP and Skipp
Sheffield. A good ol' country boy! Yes,
because that's a logical pairing with a former gang
member and thug. I smell a sitcom!
TO THE RING, with the final
(we hope) Abraham Washington show up now.
After some requisite trashing of the home town, he
brings out his final guest...himself. Joy.
Shelton Benjamin is quick to interrupt thankfully,
hyping that everyone's going to be a free agent.
This brings out John Dorian (screw it, I'll goof on
that lanky douche until I die), THOSE GUYS, and
finally Kozlov. They all try to get some words
in, but when the other white guys try to trash
Kozlov's Russkie promo, he trashes the set and all
three, sending them packing. Shelton and
Kozlov simply hug it out afterwards.
Ebonyyyyyy and Ivoryyyyyyyy...I made that recap
short simply because I'm so done with this awful
Carlito with Michael Tarver (I assume he's going to
teach him the ways to stand around being useless
backstage...DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME),
and....BWAHAHAHAHAHAH. Miz with Daniel Bryan,
who every IWC member would happen to know as BRYAN
FUCKING DANIELSON. I just find it hilarious
that he's been paired with a guy that everyone
LOATHED for the longest time in his WWE tenure.
What do you think of your darling now?!
After some hype for the PPV
Sunday, we get our next NXT pairing...Christian with
something that looks like an aborted fetus that
didn't take. Heath Slater is what it was
named. It must be murdered.
Next up, out comes said ECW
Champ, cutting a promo on how good ECW's been to
him, trying to defend that being here wasn't a total
demotion. Sorry buddy, not buying it. So
he talks about Tommy Dreamer, Yoshi Tatsu, being the
current longest reigning champion, and how he's
proud to be going out as champion. Like I
said, WWE isn't exactly subtle with their
ECW Champion Christian Vs. Ezekiel Jackson w/
William Regal, Extreme Rules Title Match that is THE
LAST MATCH ON ECW EVAR~!
Between entrances, they make
another NXT pairing, CM Punk and Darren Young...who
has possibly the worst hairdo on a man I've ever
seen. Like, homosexuals are saying "Dude,
that's gay." Then they, you know, go do gay
The shit is on almost
immediately, with Zeke going all powerhouse on
Christian in the opening minutes. Things spill
to the outside within a couple minutes, and various
forms of plunder get used in a hurry.
Christian manages to send Zeke packing for a second,
and out comes Ryder to attack Christian...just to be
a dick. He is from Long Island, after all.
Christian shuts his ass up by flapjacking him onto a
trash can, but out comes Rosa to deliver a
pride-obliterating bitch slap. This prompts a
barefoot GMGBT to come sprinting down the ramp and
HOLY SHIT that chick is beefy. GMGBT spears
Rosa and CATFIIIIIIGHT's her to the outside, but
then ruins it by talking. And that whole
non-personality thing comes into play again.
All three nuisances go to the back as we go to
Zeke takes control out of the
final break, sending the champ off the top rope to
the outside. Zeke tries to sandwich Christian
between the steps and a trash can, but misses and
gets stunned. Christian then hops on the
stairs, and the sheer POWER of his yelling makes
Zeke raise the trash can to his face so he can get
it drop-kicked into him. Zeke then tries to run
Christian over with a shopping cart, but misses.
I'm sorry, seeing a huge black dude pushing a
shopping cart as fast as he can wearing nothing but
boots and red trunks just is cartoonishly hilarious,
and reminds me why I watch this shit. After
some more back and forth (which is going at a
blistering pace all things considered), Zeke and
Regal bring out a table, and eventually set it up in
the ring. Superplex attempt fails, tornado DDT
attempt fails, but the kendo stick takes Zeke out
long enough to chase Regal to the back.
Killswitch attempt is met with Regal coming out
again to stop it, but he gets Killswitch'd instead.
Zeke has long recovered at this point, and delivers
a negronage to the champ THROUGH THE TABLE to pick
up the win, and the shortest championship ever (if
the title's gone at the end of the program).
Winner: Ezekiel Jackson
What Stood Out: Well,
they relatively went out on top, because DAMN that
shit was overbooked to all hell.
So in a perfect symbolism of
ECW's history as a whole, the final ECW champion
is...a giant musclebound oaf whose back of his head
looks like my scrote. A COMPLETE PARALLEL.
Oh wait, I think they
forgot one last NXT announcement, R-Truth and David
Otunga who's related to Jennifer Hudson apparently.
Considering what happened to most of her
family...luckiest guy ever? Maybe. And
on that morbid note, THE END. FOREVER.
Uppers: It's finally over! Ok
seriously, both matches were pretty damn good for a
dying show. Given the smaller timeframe, they
did their job right with hyping the new show, and
showcasing the best of WWECW one more time.
So, hats be tipped to that.
Downers: One thing I certainly am
not going to be missing is the Abraham Washington
show. I do take some joy in knowing that WWE
is going to showcase him on one of the other brands,
so more people will be...treated to his bowing
bullshit. Yes, treated. Also, I don't
get one bit why Zeke's the last ECW champ.
Maybe Vince decided to give one last parting shot to
the balls for Heyman? My IWC-ness says yes.
Overall: As a finale, nothing too
special, but pretty good regardless. I'd say
watch it just so you can say you saw ECW die.
And that'll do it for me.
So, what do I do from here? I guess I'll be on
call if Fuhrer Carless needs a lackey to do a report
when no one else will. After all, that's what
got me this job in the first place! However,
as far as this report goes, consider me officially
off the clock. I'm Neil McGilloway, and I'm
pre-emptively saying FUCK NXT. Later!