Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(02/09/10)
 
Welcome back to the soon to be raped and murdered ECW report.  Looks like there's not only 3 episodes to go (according to Vince's announcement anyway).  Nope, this train is officially derailed next Tuesday to make room for...
 
WWE NXT.  Yep, that's what the so-called "next evolution of wrestling" is supposed to be.  So, instead of the final episode of ECW ironically being on my birthday (February 23), I get the first episode of this show instead.  Normally I'd be all like HELL YEAH, being a part of history, but DAMN this show sounds like total ass from the get-go.  It's pretty much all speculation until it airs, but all signs are pointing to the new show being basically the next iteration of Tough Enough.  While I applaud it giving us John Morrison and The Miz (two guys that frankly have hit it big in WWE), if I wanted the wrestling business to be shit on constantly, I'd watch the re-runs.  Or keep writing for a wrestling website.  I'll give it a watch when it shows up, but my naturally pessimistic IWC inclinations are telling me this is going to SUUUUUUUUUCK.  Let's get to it.
 

Still standing here in Baton Rouge!  And we're already TO THE BACK, with General Manager Generic Manager Tiffany addressing the future of ECW, and how everyone getting shitcanned isn't a bad thing, IT'S A GOOD THING.  Who does she think she is, DDP?  Anyway she re-iterates what Vince said last week, that in 2 weeks NXT starts and that she was proud of all that was accomplished in the new ECW.  Yeahhh...she just completely won the award for worst GM of all time.  "I've put us all out of a job with my shitty managerial skills!  YAY!"  However, I will admit she does redeem herself somewhat that after concluding her speech, she pulls out some booze and puts on some Mardi Gras beads.  I feel gypped for not getting flashed any titty after that, though.  Oh well, to playboy I go!  Oh, and Zack/Rosa ask about their jobs, and she drunkenly tells them to lighten up because they're all screwed and the Saints won the super bowl.  Umm...
 

 
That being said, still good delivery.  OPENING THEME AND MATCH GO.
 

Yoshi Tatsu and Goldust Vs. THOSE GUYS, #1 contenders match for who gets to lose to Miz and Big Show next week on ECW's final raping
 
It's a battle for a chance at continued employment!  Which they'll fail at, because, come on, it's ECW.  Oh, and I'll be listing the "Not bad, but good things about ECW being done" in honor of her royal whoriness:
 
"Losing this isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing" #1:  I won't have to listen to Josh Matthews call Yoshi Tatsu "The cardiac kid" fifty times a match.  Michael Cole isn't the guy you should be emulating, dick.
 
So, let's sum up what's been happening since I officially stopped giving a shit - Yoshi does good, DARK GUY takes over, Yoshi tags out to Goldust, he runs wild, blind tag lets NOT AS DARK GUY clip Goldy's leg, and BAM, commercial.
 
"Losing this isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing" #2:  I'll go back to not watching Syfy EVER.  I need to be weaning off of my weekly "Bats:  Human Harvest" and "Transmorphers:  Fall of Man" fix anyway.
 
Back from break, THOSE GUYS take turns working the leg of Goldust, and this goes on for FOREVER.  Goldust actually gets a good chant going, which I would attribute to having the same colors of the hometown heroes.  Dustin must be a HUGE Saints fan.  Goldust eventually gets the hot tag to Yoshi, and Matthews says cardiac kid AGAIN.  I've just noticed this and it wounds my soul.  Yoshi runs wild on THOSE GUYS and almost gets the win but DARK comes in to break it up.  Goldust chases him out, and Yoshi hits NOT AS DARK with the high kick for the win.
 
Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu and Goldust
 
What Stood Out:  Yoshi apparently punting NOT AS TAN's nose into the cheap seats, because dude was GUSHING by the time he was pinned.  Clearly, the complete stoppage of the match to clean everything up was omitted.
 
So yeah, Goldust and Yoshi on every show?  HELLS TO THE FUCK YEAH.  Actually, no, never in a million years.
 

Next up is a recap of the first inductee to the hall of fame this year, the non-sucky Ted Dibiase.  If only he could teach charisma to his son...
 
"Losing this isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing" #3:  I won't have to watch constant Raw recaps and video packages showing what I've seen only a day ago.  My attention span isn't that bad.
 

Ezekiel Jackson w/ William Regal Vs. Who cares because this guy's about to be slam dunked to China
 
Yep, total jobber here.  The more things change, the more they stay the same.  I bet Kozlov's jealous.
 
Slams, clothesline, Negronage, done.
 
Winner:  Ezekiel Jackson
 
What Stood Out:  Nice timing with finally giving the Negronage a name (the book of Ezekiel, apparently).  I mean, it's not like ECW's gone in a weekOH WAIT.
 
After the match, Regal cuts a promo on being ejected last week, before going into AWESOME mode in telling what horrible a job GMGBT has done, saying that she set women in the workplace back 25 years.  Regal pleads for a match between Ezekiel and Christian, then gives Ezekiel the mike, leading to...Ezekiel saying how he'll be champion, stopping every sentence to look to his left and smile.  He's like some big black generic promo MACHINE.  After we're done, Ezekiel continues to over-emote hilariously.
 
"Losing this isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing" #4:  No more pointless jobber squashes that last only like 90 seconds.  If I want that kind of blistering pace, I'll watch a diva's match on Mondays.
 

RAW RECAP TIME, detailing the hilarious final segment between Cena, Vince, and Bret.  Vince was AWESOME with his delivery first of all, and Cena, apparently when he gets angry he's from Greenbow AlaBAMA!  Video editing was great as usual, but the lack of Bret losing his match against the stage equipment (and dignity) was a bit of a downer.
 
After a quick rundown of the PPV matches, we go TO THE BACK with the champ accepting Ezekiel's challenge for next week, but it's going to be an EXTREEEEEEEME rules match.  Should be a fun closer.  After that, out comes Shelton for his match.  Grabbing the microphone, Shelton gives a...shockingly decent promo about his time on ECW.  Of course, he stops to say WHO DAT a couple times.  AHEM...
 

 
He continues to detail how his quick defeat at the feet of Yoshi Tatsu was a wake-up call, and how he made some friends, with the exception of Vance Archer.  After he runs him down, Shelton says how he can't wait to go out with wiping the smile off of Vance's face and giving him the beating of a lifetime.  Off we go to commercials!
 
"Losing this isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing" #5:  I won't get to relate Vance Archer to Zach Braff or Dennis Reynolds anymore.  No, wait.  That's totally a bad thing.
 
Shelton Benjamin Vs. Vance Archer, No-DQ, No Countout, No idea why they didn't just call this an Extreme Rules match
 
Shelton is on top to start, with a massive shoulder block sending Vance scampering to the outside for a breather.  Hey, remember that feud Shelton had with Sheamus?  Just an observation.  In a nice move, Shelton transfers a schoolboy into a single leg crab, which Vance sells pretty awesomely, frankly.  Vance claws his way to the ropes, screaming at the ref to get him off of him, but OH NOEZ it's no DQ.  So Vance claws further to get outside.  Of course, he follows this up with not attacking Shelton at all, leading to getting hurled to the outside going into the last break.
 
Back from break, Vance is on top, now having the two duel with foreign objects on the outside.  So yeah, how isn't this Extreme Rules again?  After hanging Shelton on the barricade (which busts him open as well), things go back into the inside with OH GOD YOU'RE KIDDING ME.  Match gets stopped because of the bleeding.  I never saw it live until now, and DEAR LORD is it retarded.  PG ECW is the drizzling shits sometimes.  After the match gets going again, the fists come fast and furious until Vance hits a SUPER DUPER spinebuster off the turnbuckles for a two count.  So, Vance exposes the turnbuckle and smashes his brown bear's...arm into it.  Of course, it would make sense to slam his head into it but OH NO BLOOD.  This leads to rest holds a plenty, and Shelton eventually hits a reverse elbow boucing out of the corner to turn things around.  Shelton's all over Archer from here, with a SWEET blockbuster setting up Vance to get Paydirt'd for the loss.
 
Winner:  Shelton Benjamin
 
What Stood Out:  PG WWE strikes, and strikes HARD.  Really, it was the smallest of cuts as well, making the stoppage that much more ridiculous.  Time to update the list!
 
"Losing this isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing" #6:  I won't have to see ECW's legacy pissed on even more by STOPPING A FUCKING MATCH BECAUSE SOMEONE'S SLIGHTLY BLEEDING.  I'm pretty sure that's the exact opposite of what they were going for.
 
On that note, another one down, one to go!  THE END.
 

Uppers:  Little things, here and there (drunk GMGBT, Regal ripping her to shreds, Vance/Shelton not being total shit like last week).  Nothing jumping out as GOOD, but still, entertaining somewhat.
 
Downers:  Most of the show was meh, but it goes without saying that stopping a no DQ match (implying it would be violent and extreme) because of a little blood is so very lame. 
 
Overall:  This show's clearly coasting to the finish line, because when Shelton and Vance are your main eventers, that's a show you just don't give a shit about.  That being said, they made the most of what was given, so I didn't mind it so much.
 
And as usual, I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired...I will be NXT week.

 
SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).