Welcome back to the
ECW Report. Hey look, Vince saw his shadow
today! That means it's six more weeks of good
WWE programming. A God-awful joke? Yes, but
bear with me for a second...
For a WWE fan, this is
the most wonderful time of the year. That
wonderous period of the beginning of the year until
Wrestlemania when they actually give a shit about
their product. As a result, they put on good
stuff, and last night was pretty clear evidence of
that. Funny how when you focus your main
WRESTLING show on WRESTLING, you get non-shit.
Everybody got in on the act, too. I mean,
Triple H resisted his natural urges to Pedigree Jack
Swagger dead center in the ring in 30 seconds!
Have to give the man credit for that. I mean,
sure, he did it 10 or so minutes later, but he,
GASP, made new talent look good! I would just
assume his forthcoming Wrestlemania main event (yes,
AGAIN) put him in a giving mood. I mean, far
be it for me to criticize the choice to give one
half of one of the WORST WM main events EVER 600
grand and the top spot next year, but I'm no WWE
chairman, am I? No. No I am not.
And I could not be happier.
here in Memphis! And RUH ROH RAGGY, apparently
Vince McMahon is going to address the future of ECW
tonight? Will I get a taste of sweet, sweet
freedom finally? INTRIGUE! This is
shortly followed by Tony Atlas introducing the
Abraham Washington show. So, if you ever need
to answer the question "How do I cause fan interest
to do an absolute 180 from interested to changing
the channel?" Well, here's your answer.
So Abe comes out to crack jokes about the whole
NBC/Conan drama, while Atlas decides to be the
heckling kind of co-host tonight. Which is
somewhat humorous, so I'll give them that.
Mainly because goofing on Abraham Washington brings
me great joy. So out comes STILL the ECW champ
Christian, who's now officially the longest reigning
champ in all of WWE. Christian is not long to
bask in the glow of victory, because out comes Zack
Ryder and Rosa Mendez. Ryder is quick to throw
Helms' mugshot up on the 'tron off the recent
drunken escapade with Jericho. So yeah, public
embarassment gets appropriate punishment. This
leads to a couple of nice quips by the champ, noting
that at least Helms gets recognized, and the "blink
and you'll miss it" performance in the Rumble.
This is quick to escalate into some shoving when
Christian relates Rosa to professional xenomorph
Tila Tequila. A more biting insult I cannot
fathom. Abe separates the two to end the show,
and we're done here. GASP! A slightly
entertaining Abraham Washington segment! They
DO exist! Yeah, give it a watch. There's
worse ways to spend 10 minutes.
Shelton Benjamin Vs. Vance Archer
HOLY SHIT, they're
actually going to have a match on ECW! Oh, and
Vance is looking as Zach Braff-tastic as ever, just
want to throw that out there. On an unrelated
note, is mentioning Vince the new panning to the WM
26 sign? I swear I must've seen that damn
thing on my TV every five seconds, and Vince coming
out tonight must've been mentioned at least five
times already. After a quick recap of Shelton
getting DENNIS'd from behind last week, away we go!
Things start off
pretty even, with Shelton getting the upper hand.
Oh, just realized something. At this point,
how can Shelton be calling himself the Gold
Standard? I'm fairly certain he hasn't even
sniffed a title in over two years. I mean,
that'd be as silly as calling a guy in his mid 40's
The Heartbreak Kid! Oh, anyway Vance takes a
breather on the barricade outside, but moves out of
the way when Shelton goes for...something, and both
guys are down going into the break.
Back from commercials,
Vance is demonstrating the value of restholds, using
them oh so frequently. Josh Matthews bust out
gems of saying that Vance has slowed this match to a
grinding halt, and how he extensively studies the
human body and how it works. You know, like a
doctor. A DOCTOR THAT WORKS AT SACRED HEART.
Oh, then Josh mentions Vince AGAIN to nullify any
kudos I was about to give. Shelton buys some
time with a...leg whip I guess, and another counter
to run wild for a second. Right after this,
BOTCHAMANIA RUNS WILD. Shelton tries going for
a sunset flip out of the corner, but Vance sits down
and grabs the ropes (which I'm guessing was the
planned finish). However, it's so painfully
obvious to the ref that he's grabbing the ropes that
he's basically forced to break it up. This is
immediately followed by a rope-assisted roll up by
Vance for the win.
What Stood Out:
That was one HELL of an ugly finish. Hell, his
music and Savannah weren't even ready to go until he
was already out of the ring and up the ramp!
After the match,
we run a video promo of Bret and Vince from last
night. I was pleasantly surprised they didn't
pull the ol' bait and switch with Bret seeing how he
was invisible for everything but that segment.
I also enjoyed Bret and Batista doing it hockey
style when it came to blows. You don't see
that too often. Though I have to ask WHY
Batista? I get making us wait for Vince in the
Sharpshooter is the way to go, but with no
explanation, Batista wailing on Bret seems...random.
After the package is over, it's announced that
they're showing what happened after the show went
off the air. HEY, that shit's supposed to be
invisible to us TV folk! Basically it shows
Cena and Batista, and I assume that Cena finally ran
in for the save. You know, after Bret was
pounded into oblivion and spat on. WHAT A
Yoshi Tatsu w/ Goldust Vs. THE DARKER GUY w/ THE NOT
AS TAN GUY
Jesus Christ, did
THOSE GUYS get their music changed AGAIN? This
is precisely why I refuse to acknowledge their
names. They simply have no identity
whatsoever. Changing their shit every 2-3
weeks isn't helping.
So Yoshi is all over
DARK from the get-go, but TAN sneaks a forearm shot
from around the ref to take over. After some
restholds, Yoshi is back on top with some kicks and
such. Got it? Good, I just saved you
about 5 minutes. Things go up top soon enough,
with NOT LIGHT-SKINNED 'rana-ing Yoshi off the top,
but Yoshi rolls through. A SHADE OF GOLDEN
BROWN rolls through that roll through, but only
picks up two. He decides to argue with the
ref, and turns around to eat a roundhouse to get
What Stood Out:
NEW MUSIC AGAIN? GAH. Otherwise, short
but good. You'll have to take my word for it.
Come on, don't you trust me?
Aaand here we go.
Out comes Vince, who still garners boos like none
other. And all he did was walk out the
entranceway. Vince immediately cuts to the
chase, announcing that in 3 weeks ECW is DONE.
He then says that at the same time slot, a new
innovative program will be in ECW's place. And
that's it. He leaves. A big announcement
to be sure, but you'd think he'd be bothered to stay
on this damn brand for more than 1 minute...
In the ring,
Gregory Helms brings out Regal and Ezekiel.
When Helms asks Zeke about his loss to Christian at
the Royal Rumble PPV, Regal is quick to say "It's
been a trying week for you, hasn't it?" Helms
says he's just there to do his job, and Regal
retorts that it's about to get worse. Jackson
then POUNCES on Helms, and the two take turns
schooling the drunkie, topping things off with a
negronage and running knee. Christian, ever
the hero, makes the at this point totally moot save
brandishing a kendo stick to send Regal and Zeke
packing. WWE faces: We're powerless to
help you until after you've been physically
traumatized! This is slightly less ridiculous
than last night because Bret was getting wailed on
for 5 minutes straight, and tonight Helms only got
like 40 seconds of beating before Christian came
ECW Champion Christian
Vs. Zack Ryder w/ Rosa Mendez, Non-title match
I get that he was out
there already, but the champ getting the jobber
entrance tonight. Given that this match
started at 10:58, I'm not quite expecting a 30
minute wrestling clinic here...
Christian and Zack
start things off relatively tame and slow, which is
surprising given the show's about to go off the air.
Things are even-ish, but the champ keeps having an
answer to whatever Zack is doing. Zack finally
is able to get some consistent offense in when he
catches Christian off the top and slingshots him
into the ropes. After about 2 minutes though
(OK they're definitely speeding it up now) Christian
is back on top, hitting a cross body for a two
count. Lots of top ropery from here, as
Christian hits a missile dropkick, a SHORYUKEN, and
finally a killswitch, clean as a sheet. So of
course Ezekiel comes charging in from here AGAIN to
try and nail Christian from behind, but he ducks the
incoming clothesline. Oh well, DQ anyway.
What Stood Out:
Remember that triple threat WWE did in MSG that was
basically on fast forward the whole time because
they had like zero time left on the show?
Yeah, that was this match. Quick as HELL main
event, and Zack is not looking so hot. I think
he might've got like MAYBE 2 minutes of offense
there. That's barely above squash-level
After the bell, Regal
pops up too and Christian fights them both off
fairly well, but it's all for naught as DARKNESS
descends on the champ from behind. They cap
things off with whipping Christian into the steps
and laughing heartily at their (now pointless
because this show's GONE by the end of the month)
victory. So only 3 episodes left before ECW's
corpse is finally re-buried! Philly and New
York fans, rejoice! THE END.
Uppers: Actually...pretty much
anything that wasn't the first match gets my
approval tonight. Abe's segment was slightly
entertaining (given how the last one went, staring
at dog shit would be more entertaining), Yoshi's
match was quick and entertaining, as was the main
event. Even the Vance Archer/Shelton Benjamin
match, while awful, was still pretty amusing - well,
at least the finish...
Downers: ...but let's make no
mistake here, that match still sucked. Outside
of that, the Vince appearance was a pleasant
surprise, but DAMN you know he wanted to be FAR away
from that show the second he came out. So he
just comes out, straight announces ECW's fate, then
bails. That's it. Maybe someone tricked
him into thinking it was Monday night and came to
the sudden realization when he walked through the
curtain and saw all the ECW stuff? Dude's old
and senile, so don't tell me it couldn't be done.
Oh and one Gregory Helms I assume is updating his
resume as we speak, because DAMN he was made to look
like a pathetic sack of shit tonight.
Overall: A fairly decent episode
tonight, credit where it's due. Might as well
watch these shows while the watching's good, eh?
Though given the fate of ECW, I would mark like none
other if in the coming week everyone on the show
stopped giving a shit and began to just go the
opposite of PG for every second until they're done.
TV MA ALL THE WAY BABY.
Now, with that
said, what do I make of Vince's announcement?
Well, I'm the ECW recapper. ECW is officially
done in 3 weeks. So, since ECW is done in 3
weeks, I am too. Maybe I'll get a gander at
this new show and get interested in recapping it,
but I wouldn't count on it. Eh, we'll see.
I intend on sending ECW out in a drunken bang!
Who's with me?! Anyone? Hello?