Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
Welcome back to another week of the ECW report.  Since work ONCE AGAIN has gotten me started behind schedule (plus I have nothing else to talk about but HAHA FAVRE HAVE FUN TEASING RETIREMENT AND RUINING ANOTHER TEAM NEXT SEASON), let's get right into it!

Still standing here in...who knows?  Here's a hint - not me.  And Regal's apparently been still standing here in the ring since last week, because he opens up this week in the ring announcing the arrival of Ezekiel Jackson.  And BOY OH BOY Zeke is smiley.  And veiney.  But yeah, he's definitely rocking the prison rape smile here.  So he goes into a promo about how he's winning the title on Sunday, and I'm quickly not giving a shit.  Christian is quick to interrupt, and decides to get biblical in a hurry. After bible study's over, the two guys get into a little back and forth before Christian notes that he got his ass kicked last week because there was two of the bad guys.  So now he's evened the score and out comes Kane and apparently we're doing the advertised Main Event right away?  Okayyyyy then...
ECW Champion Christian and Kane Vs. Ezekiel Jackson and William Regal
After a quick commercial break, Regal and Christian are going at it with Christian getting the quick upper hand.  So Regal tags to Zeke, and Jackson wants Christian.  So Christian tags out to Kane.  Who's the heel here again?  Last time I checked, faces don't duck out on their challengers...anyway with the two big guys in the ring, we get to relive the AWESOME end of that battle royal, with the two guys trying to outhoss each other.  Zeke does one EXTREME roar to the heavens too many, and Kane simply blasts him with an uppercut to get the upper hand.  Christian tags in to rock Zeke for a little bit, but once Kane's back in UH OH heels start to take over.  This goes on for a little while until Christian gets the hot tag to run wild on the heels.  Going into break, we see Christian fly with a springboard cross-body from the top to the floor to get a nice pop out of the crowd.  Well, at least I assume so - those taped cheers sound so convincing damn it!
Back from break we see Kane taking it to Zeke for a little while before tagging in the champ, who quickly gets sent to the outside.  From there, Regal distracts Christian long enough to get run the fuck over by Jackson, and now it's heels teaming up on the good guy time.  Man, Zeke's noggin sure does get wrinkly when he emotes WITH FURY.  Now I see what him and Regal have in common!  Team INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCREAMING.  Hey, I find it entertaining.  But yeah, they kick the shit out of Christian for a while, nothing you haven't seen in EVERY WWE TAG MATCH EVER.  Christian finally breaks out with the SHORYUKEN to get the tag to Kane, who goes to town on the bad guys.  Things break right the fuck down from here, where Zeke and Kane battle on the outside.  Christian counters a knee trembler into a Killswitch, but a DASTARDLY blind tag to Zeke right before Regal gets planted allows Zeke to surprise the champ with a negronage for the win.
Winner:  Ezekiel Jackson
What Stood Out:  Formulaic, but good.  And LONG.  But why have this be the first match?

Post-bell, Zeke flexes while doing some more INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCREAMING and having his foot on Christian.  A great image to END THE SHOW ON, but we're only halfway done here, folks! 

After another quick run-down of the PPV card, (again, all non-rumble matches look like TOTAL ASS), we get the excellent video package about the Royal Rumble.  It's awesome as always, but you've seen it for years now.  So let's move on.

TO THE BACK with Shelton Benjamin trying to state his case into winning the Rumble on Sunday (yeah, not going to happen) when SURPRISE ZACH BRAFF ATTACK!  Vance Archer clobbers him from behind, before stating his own case to winning, saying that Shelton on the ground is reality.  Pretty accurate, that guy is.  But yeah, no way in hell he's winning either.

Zack Ryder w/ Rosa Mendez, along with THOSE GUYS Vs. The Hurricane, Goldust, and Yoshi Tatsu
Need to pad out this sparse episode of ECW?  Why, break the entrances up with commercials!  Zack's the only one who gets out before the break (which finally plugs Fozzy's song as one for the Royal Rumble...hmm why is the CD cover covering that one guy's face?  I wonder...), THOSE GUYS get the jobber entrance, and all the faces come out rapid fire. Make up your mind, do you want to waste time or hurry it up?
THE DARKER GUY is first up for the face beating, with Goldust and Hurricane putting the boots to the guy.  Ryder gets tagged in but is quickly sent packing via a BAAAAAACK BODY DROP to the outside.  THOSE GUYS try to jump Hurricane right after, but that wacky gay dude and asian put a stop to that shit, and THOSE GUYS run to the outside.  Rosa tries to comfort everyone on the outside going into break.  HANDJOBS FOR EVERYONE!  YAY!
Back from the final break, I could've sworn I seen this 5 minutes ago.  THE DARKER ONE is getting schooled, AGAIN, before tagging out to THAT OTHER GUY THE ONE GUY TAGS WITH USUALLY.  He is also summarily rocked by Hurricane (HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRRRICANEEEEEE) until a Zack Ryder distraction (Hurricane must've got lost in his eyes) lets THAT OTHER GUY take over by sweeping the leg.  PUT 'EM IN A BODY BAG, JOHNNY, YEAH!  Sorry, I ever so desperately need to entertain myself here.  So after an eternity of rest holds, Hurricane busts out a desperation shining wizard to FINALLY get the hot tag to Yoshi Tatsu.  Yoshi must've gulped down on a flashing shell when I wasn't looking, because he unloads on all three douches, with a HORRENDOUS top rope wheel kick scoring a close count.  Things break down AGAIN here, with Goldust and Hurricane taking the non-legal men to the outside  allowing ONE OF THE GUYS to take a roundhouse to the face to allow Yoshi to pick up the win.
Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust, and the Hurricane
What Stood Out:  Hey, just like the OTHER match on the show!  Boy do I love me some variety!
After the bell, the faces celebrate, and the heels argue on the outside.  What a fine and not totally pointless way to close out a show!  THE END.

Uppers:  The opener was pretty good, I guess.  OH!  And that Royal Rumble video is always cool to watch.
Downers:  Once again, only TWO matches tonight (granted, one of the matches took up half the show, so it's less of an infraction tonight).  Secondly, what was up with Christian/Kane/Ezekiel/Regal taking a backseat to that six-man?  I mean come on, that whole segment ended prefectly on a note to fade to black going into the rumble.  So, just really weird pacing and match order tonight.  Finally, considering all of your multi-man matches are all laid out pretty much the same,  not exactly the best idea to put on one right after the other...
Overall:  If you like WWE tag matches, well TONIGHT'S YOUR NIGHT BABY.  Otherwise ECW's slide into total shit continues.
And that'll do it for this week.  Strangely enough, no Raw recap tonight.  Not that I'm complaining since I can assume how it went.  Let me guess, Hornswoggle humiliated an up and coming heel until he loses all credibility whatsoever?  Sounds about right to me!

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).