Still standing here
in...who knows? Here's a hint - not me.
And Regal's apparently been still standing here in
the ring since last week, because he opens up this
week in the ring announcing the arrival of Ezekiel
Jackson. And BOY OH BOY Zeke is smiley.
And veiney. But yeah, he's definitely rocking
the prison rape smile here. So he goes into a
promo about how he's winning the title on Sunday,
and I'm quickly not giving a shit. Christian
is quick to interrupt, and decides to get biblical
in a hurry. After bible study's over, the two guys
get into a little back and forth before Christian
notes that he got his ass kicked last week because
there was two of the bad guys. So now he's
evened the score and out comes Kane and apparently
we're doing the advertised Main Event right away?
Champion Christian and Kane Vs. Ezekiel Jackson and
After a quick commercial break,
Regal and Christian are going at it with Christian
getting the quick upper hand. So Regal tags to
Zeke, and Jackson wants Christian. So
Christian tags out to Kane. Who's the heel
here again? Last time I checked, faces don't
duck out on their challengers...anyway with the two
big guys in the ring, we get to relive the AWESOME
end of that battle royal, with the two guys trying
to outhoss each other. Zeke does one EXTREME
roar to the heavens too many, and Kane simply blasts
him with an uppercut to get the upper hand.
Christian tags in to rock Zeke for a little bit, but
once Kane's back in UH OH heels start to take over.
This goes on for a little while until Christian gets
the hot tag to run wild on the heels. Going
into break, we see Christian fly with a springboard
cross-body from the top to the floor to get a nice
pop out of the crowd. Well, at least I assume
so - those taped cheers sound so convincing damn it!
Back from break we see Kane
taking it to Zeke for a little while before tagging
in the champ, who quickly gets sent to the outside.
From there, Regal distracts Christian long enough to
get run the fuck over by Jackson, and now it's heels
teaming up on the good guy time. Man, Zeke's
noggin sure does get wrinkly when he emotes WITH
FURY. Now I see what him and Regal have in
common! Team INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCREAMING.
Hey, I find it entertaining. But yeah, they
kick the shit out of Christian for a while, nothing
you haven't seen in EVERY WWE TAG MATCH EVER.
Christian finally breaks out with the SHORYUKEN to
get the tag to Kane, who goes to town on the bad
guys. Things break right the fuck down from
here, where Zeke and Kane battle on the outside.
Christian counters a knee trembler into a
Killswitch, but a DASTARDLY blind tag to Zeke right
before Regal gets planted allows Zeke to surprise
the champ with a negronage for the win.
Winner: Ezekiel Jackson
What Stood Out:
Formulaic, but good. And LONG. But why
have this be the first match?
Post-bell, Zeke flexes
while doing some more INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCREAMING and
having his foot on Christian. A great image to
END THE SHOW ON, but we're only halfway done here,
After another quick
run-down of the PPV card, (again, all non-rumble
matches look like TOTAL ASS), we get the excellent
video package about the Royal Rumble. It's
awesome as always, but you've seen it for years now.
So let's move on.
TO THE BACK with Shelton
Benjamin trying to state his case into winning the
Rumble on Sunday (yeah, not going to happen) when
SURPRISE ZACH BRAFF ATTACK! Vance Archer
clobbers him from behind, before stating his own
case to winning, saying that Shelton on the ground
is reality. Pretty accurate, that guy is.
But yeah, no way in hell he's winning either.
Zack Ryder w/ Rosa Mendez, along with THOSE GUYS Vs.
The Hurricane, Goldust, and Yoshi Tatsu
Need to pad out this sparse
episode of ECW? Why, break the entrances up
with commercials! Zack's the only one who gets
out before the break (which finally plugs Fozzy's
song as one for the Royal Rumble...hmm why is the CD
cover covering that one guy's face? I
wonder...), THOSE GUYS get the jobber entrance, and
all the faces come out rapid fire. Make up your
mind, do you want to waste time or hurry it up?
THE DARKER GUY is first up for
the face beating, with Goldust and Hurricane putting
the boots to the guy. Ryder gets tagged in but
is quickly sent packing via a BAAAAAACK BODY DROP to
the outside. THOSE GUYS try to jump Hurricane
right after, but that wacky gay dude and asian put a
stop to that shit, and THOSE GUYS run to the
outside. Rosa tries to comfort everyone on the
outside going into break. HANDJOBS FOR
Back from the final break, I
could've sworn I seen this 5 minutes ago. THE
DARKER ONE is getting schooled, AGAIN, before
tagging out to THAT OTHER GUY THE ONE GUY TAGS WITH
USUALLY. He is also summarily rocked by
Hurricane (HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A
HURRRRICANEEEEEE) until a Zack Ryder distraction
(Hurricane must've got lost in his eyes) lets THAT
OTHER GUY take over by sweeping the leg. PUT
'EM IN A BODY BAG, JOHNNY, YEAH! Sorry, I ever
so desperately need to entertain myself here.
So after an eternity of rest holds, Hurricane busts
out a desperation shining wizard to FINALLY get the
hot tag to Yoshi Tatsu. Yoshi must've gulped
down on a flashing shell when I wasn't looking,
because he unloads on all three douches, with a
HORRENDOUS top rope wheel kick scoring a close
count. Things break down AGAIN here, with
Goldust and Hurricane taking the non-legal men to
the outside allowing ONE OF THE GUYS to take a
roundhouse to the face to allow Yoshi to pick up the
Winner: Yoshi Tatsu,
Goldust, and the Hurricane
What Stood Out: Hey, just
like the OTHER match on the show! Boy do I
love me some variety!
After the bell, the faces
celebrate, and the heels argue on the outside.
What a fine and not totally pointless way to close
out a show! THE END.
Uppers: The opener was pretty good,
I guess. OH! And that Royal Rumble video
is always cool to watch.
Downers: Once again, only TWO
matches tonight (granted, one of the matches took up
half the show, so it's less of an infraction
tonight). Secondly, what was up with
Christian/Kane/Ezekiel/Regal taking a backseat to
that six-man? I mean come on, that whole
segment ended prefectly on a note to fade to black
going into the rumble. So, just really weird
pacing and match order tonight. Finally,
considering all of your multi-man matches are all
laid out pretty much the same, not exactly the
best idea to put on one right after the other...
Overall: If you like WWE tag
matches, well TONIGHT'S YOUR NIGHT BABY.
Otherwise ECW's slide into total shit continues.
And that'll do it for this
week. Strangely enough, no Raw recap tonight.
Not that I'm complaining since I can assume how it
went. Let me guess, Hornswoggle humiliated an
up and coming heel until he loses all credibility
whatsoever? Sounds about right to me!