By Neil McGilloway
(01/19/10)
Welcome back...I've
missed you so. Unfortunately personal business
made me get a late start on this week's show, so the
intro's going to be quick tonight.
...oh, except that
after watching Raw last night, I'm now DEMANDING
that at least one temper tantrum is thrown per week
due to employee incompetence. All I know is I
feel REALLY sorry for the sound guy that fucked up
so royally with John Cena's cue after the main
event. Something tells me if there's one guy
you don't want to piss off, it's HHH. Now then,
BEGIN SHOW.
Still standing here in
Greenville, South Carolina! Yeah, I have no
idea where that is either. After a quick video
package on last week's main event that almost makes
Evan Bourne not look like a total joke...ALMOST, the
show opens up with...yep, Abraham Washington.
Joy. Or WHOA THERE, WAIT A MINUTE. Not
Abe, but Santino Marella comes out to do some guest
hosting. Perhaps he's there to show the proper
way to beat comedy to death with a rusty nail board.
After some dare I say it, even less funny jokes than
usual, out comes Vladimir Kozlov. And this
gets painful IMMEDIATELY, as Kozlov kicks back and
relaxes on the couch. I would liken this scene
to Ivan Drago getting drunk and playing beer pong
with all his frat buddies. IT JUST DOESN'T
WORK. Kozlov then tells us a little story
about how he used to be in a Ukranian biker gang for
3 years that promptly puts everyone right the fuck
to sleep. Hell I feel like taking a nap right
now, but I gots a service to perform here!
Next up on the shit salad, he does his impression of
Ivan Drago, tells us of his liking of chili cheese
friese, Hannah Montana, and Wal-Mart. Jesus
CHRIST, make this end. This guy HAS to be
getting fired soon. That's the only way I can
explain this debacle. After repeatedly turning
down Santino's idea to be a tag team, Santino brings
this segment to a merciful demise. OK, that
had to be one of the WORST things I've ever seen
since starting this gig.
Yoshi Tatsu and Goldust Vs. THOSE GUYS
Thankfully, Goldust
decided against being an even gayer version of Rum
Tum Tigger or whatever the fucIT'S A CATS JOKE.
Goldust and THE PALER
ONE start off, who proceeds to get beat down but
tags out to THE DARKER ONE. This leads to
Yoshi coming in and doing a variation of Miz and
Morrison's double team (instead of the slingshot
elbow drop, Yoshi came in and did a running senton),
which looked pretty good if I say so myself.
This leads to THOSE GUYS taking a breather on the
outside, but when Yoshi goes to give chase, DARK
slings him off the apron to the floor, leading to
PALE to come in and land a couple hits before
locking in a sleeper. Yoshi tries to come
back, but PALE blocks the tag and in comes DARK to
keep the beating going. Yoshi eventually does
not approve of DARK ONE's sleeper either and tries
to battle out, but same shit different person, and
the beating goes on, with ANOTHER rest hold.
FINALLY, a surprise spinning heel kick lets Yoshi to
give the hot tag, and Goldust runs wild on THOSE
GUYS. And credit where it's due, Goldy is not
looking like a fat sack of crap nowadays. So,
good for him in only being the new Tommy Dreamer in
the realm of jobbing like crazy. Things break
down in a hurry, and Golust looks to have THAT ONE
GUY rolled up and pinned, but in comes THAT TANNER
OTHER GUY to turn the tables while the ref's
distracted, leading to THE FIRST GUY I MENTIONED
getting the roll-up pin on Goldust.
Winner: THOSE
GUYS
What Stood Out:
When you tease the hot tag that many times, I tend
to lose interest. For. Shame.
As my night just keeps getting better and better, out come Zack Ryder and Rosa Mendez for non-wrestling bullshit. Because these two should talk. Clearly. Kill me now. So after boringly recapping the past couple weeks as it relates to Zack, Tommy, and the Hurricane (I smell a sitcom!). Zack decides to demand Asian Announcer Lady Savannah to announce him as the new heart and soul superhero of ECW, which she does less than admirably. This causes Rosa to go on a Spanish cussing spree, which brings out Hurricane to send the two douchebags packing. He even gets a kiss from Savannah for his trouble. God damnit, first Velvet Sky and now her. I am quite envious of Hurricane's mantle of potential trim. Well bright spot of this segment? It was short. When it involves Ryder and Mendez talking in the ring, I can ask for nothing more.
After running down the card for the Royal Rumble (To quickly sum up: ZZZZZZZZ) They do a quick recap of the ECW feud that you'd never have a clue about if you only watch ECW, Shelton Benjamin/John Dorian. And guess what? It's still not going to be on ECW! Rematch on Superstars. So yeah, it's probably not good for Vance's tramp stamped ass that he's only getting matches on Superstars at this point.
ECW Champion Christian Vs. William Regal w/ Ezekiel Jackson, Non-Title Match
Just as a quick aside,
Regal has some seriously kick-ass music.
Basically I hear that and immedately know he's not
one to be fucked with. That said, it STILL
says "2008 King of the Ring William Regal" as his
title. LET IT GO. Zeke comes in the ring
for...some reason (maybe he's incredibly nearsighted
and needed to stare at that belt while five feet
away from the champ) but quickly is sent to the
outside to just stand around and look big and black,
I guess.
What's that?
Regal and christian in the main event with plenty of
time to spare? Well you know what that means -
SLOWWWWWWWWWWWW MO. Amateur wrestling a plenty
is the name of the game in the opening minutes, as
the first punch/impact move isn't even thrown until
like 5 minutes into the match. So yeah, it's
TOTALLY a fast-paced affair. The punches send
Regal to the outside, where he follows up with a
baseball slide. After he dumps Regal back
inside, he takes time to have a loving stare off at
his future opponent. Apparently he does this
for so long SyFy decides to take a commercial break
right in the middle of it!
Back from break,
Christian is still all over Regal, but taking one
look too long at his new ebony lover lets Regal get
the upper hand. The champ gets a few flashes
of hope here and there, but Regal's always got an
answer. To sum up things, REST HOLD, Christian
gets a few hits in, Regal puts him down, pin
attempt, REST HOLD, rinse and repeat. However,
Regal gets in a BRUTAL boot to the side of his head
sandwiching Christian's noggin between his foot and
the steel post. Christian proceeds to oversell
like crazy, but it was painful as hell looking so
I'll let it pass. But yeah, after that, you
guessed it, REST HOLD. Christian has finally
had enough of Regal's shit, and runs wild while
still selling the beating he's taken to the head.
Tornado DDT gets two, and then Regal HILARIOUSLY
just casually steps aside when Christian goes for
one Missile Dropkick too many (he scored with one
and then immediately went up for another).
Such casual stepping aside is immediately followed
with Regal crouching and ROARING in the corner to go
for the running knee, but that's countered into a
jacknife pin for a close two. So Regal just
goes to the "hit him in the head" well again, until
Christian battles out to hit a SHORYUKEN for two.
Killswitch attempt gets fought out of, so Christian
just sends Regal to the outside. Ezekiel
decides he's not getting enough attention, because
he just NOW decides to leap into the ring and run
over the champ, causing the DQ finish.
Winner:
Christian
What Stood Out:
Hey, I may have seen this match a million times
already, but it was still good! So let's go
ahead and ruin it with the shitty disqualification.
After the bell,
Ezekiel is laying the beating on the champ with
general hossiness, followed by Regal hitting the
running knee. After that, not one, but TWO
negronages (the second one happening like two
seconds before the show's over)! It's like a
damn NAACP convention in there! Oh and because
you have ADD, while Jackson's music plays, they
replay what happened not even five seconds ago.
Can the champ withstand the challenger, who will win
at the Royal Rumble, blah blah blah. THE END.
Uppers: Barring the end of it, the main event. Orton/Cena's got nothing on this feud as far as frequency of matches goes. The bright spot is that when William Regal and Christian face off in the ring, it's usually a hell of a good match. Tonight was no exception to that rule. And that'll be it for this section.
Downers: So much crap, so little
time. Ryder's segment was dull but thankfully
short, the tag match was just...there, and I really
don't see the point of recapping a feud between two
guys if they have yet to actually interact in any
way on ECW outside of the battle royal last week.
Of course, all of that FAR pales in comparison to
the opening segment. I REALLY hope there's a
special little nook reserved in hell for the
assholes that came up with that. I will admit
that Santino's stuff will usually get a laugh out of
me. Tonight was not one of those times.
Add in "Made in the USA" Vladimir Kozlov and the
total silence this segment got from the crowd, and I
don't think that could've possibly been more
disastrous. I'm pretty sure that segment gave
me AIDS. I don't know how, it just did.
It's talented in its horribleness.
Oh, and look what I
just noticed! Only two matches tonight.
Yeah, that's very fucking lame.
Overall: AVOID. I'd say watch
the main event, but really, is it anything you
haven't seen on this show fifty times already?
NOPE. Stay away. FAR away.
And that'll do it for
me this week. Now if you'll excuse me, I have
a jug of old-timey gin with my name on it to help me
forget about this debacle of a show...
