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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
Welcome back...I've missed you so.  Unfortunately personal business made me get a late start on this week's show, so the intro's going to be quick tonight.
...oh, except that after watching Raw last night, I'm now DEMANDING that at least one temper tantrum is thrown per week due to employee incompetence.  All I know is I feel REALLY sorry for the sound guy that fucked up so royally with John Cena's cue after the main event.  Something tells me if there's one guy you don't want to piss off, it's HHH. Now then, BEGIN SHOW.
Still standing here in Greenville, South Carolina!  Yeah, I have no idea where that is either.  After a quick video package on last week's main event that almost makes Evan Bourne not look like a total joke...ALMOST, the show opens up with...yep, Abraham Washington.  Joy.  Or WHOA THERE, WAIT A MINUTE.  Not Abe, but Santino Marella comes out to do some guest hosting.  Perhaps he's there to show the proper way to beat comedy to death with a rusty nail board.  After some dare I say it, even less funny jokes than usual, out comes Vladimir Kozlov.  And this gets painful IMMEDIATELY, as Kozlov kicks back and relaxes on the couch.  I would liken this scene to Ivan Drago getting drunk and playing beer pong with all his frat buddies.  IT JUST DOESN'T WORK.  Kozlov then tells us a little story about how he used to be in a Ukranian biker gang for 3 years that promptly puts everyone right the fuck to sleep.  Hell I feel like taking a nap right now, but I gots a service to perform here!  Next up on the shit salad, he does his impression of Ivan Drago, tells us of his liking of chili cheese friese, Hannah Montana, and Wal-Mart.  Jesus CHRIST, make this end.  This guy HAS to be getting fired soon.  That's the only way I can explain this debacle.  After repeatedly turning down Santino's idea to be a tag team, Santino brings this segment to a merciful demise.  OK, that had to be one of the WORST things I've ever seen since starting this gig.

Yoshi Tatsu and Goldust Vs. THOSE GUYS
Thankfully, Goldust decided against being an even gayer version of Rum Tum Tigger or whatever the fucIT'S A CATS JOKE.
Goldust and THE PALER ONE start off, who proceeds to get beat down but tags out to THE DARKER ONE.  This leads to Yoshi coming in and doing a variation of Miz and Morrison's double team (instead of the slingshot elbow drop, Yoshi came in and did a running senton), which looked pretty good if I say so myself.  This leads to THOSE GUYS taking a breather on the outside, but when Yoshi goes to give chase, DARK slings him off the apron to the floor, leading to PALE to come in and land a couple hits before locking in a sleeper.  Yoshi tries to come back, but PALE blocks the tag and in comes DARK to keep the beating going.  Yoshi eventually does not approve of DARK ONE's sleeper either and tries to battle out, but same shit different person, and the beating goes on, with ANOTHER rest hold.  FINALLY, a surprise spinning heel kick lets Yoshi to give the hot tag, and Goldust runs wild on THOSE GUYS.  And credit where it's due, Goldy is not looking like a fat sack of crap nowadays.  So, good for him in only being the new Tommy Dreamer in the realm of jobbing like crazy.  Things break down in a hurry, and Golust looks to have THAT ONE GUY rolled up and pinned, but in comes THAT TANNER OTHER GUY to turn the tables while the ref's distracted, leading to THE FIRST GUY I MENTIONED getting the roll-up pin on Goldust.
What Stood Out:  When you tease the hot tag that many times, I tend to lose interest.  For.  Shame.

As my night just keeps getting better and better, out come Zack Ryder and Rosa Mendez for non-wrestling bullshit.  Because these two should talk.  Clearly.  Kill me now.  So after boringly recapping the past couple weeks as it relates to Zack, Tommy, and the Hurricane (I smell a sitcom!).  Zack decides to demand Asian Announcer Lady Savannah to announce him as the new heart and soul superhero of ECW, which she does less than admirably.  This causes Rosa to go on a Spanish cussing spree, which brings out Hurricane to send the two douchebags packing.  He even gets a kiss from Savannah for his trouble.  God damnit, first Velvet Sky and now her.  I am quite envious of Hurricane's mantle of potential trim.  Well bright spot of this segment?  It was short.  When it involves Ryder and Mendez talking in the ring, I can ask for nothing more.

After running down the card for the Royal Rumble (To quickly sum up:  ZZZZZZZZ)  They do a quick recap of the ECW feud that you'd never have a clue about if you only watch ECW, Shelton Benjamin/John Dorian.  And guess what?  It's still not going to be on ECW!  Rematch on Superstars.  So yeah, it's probably not good for Vance's tramp stamped ass that he's only getting matches on Superstars at this point.

ECW Champion Christian Vs. William Regal w/ Ezekiel Jackson, Non-Title Match
Just as a quick aside, Regal has some seriously kick-ass music.  Basically I hear that and immedately know he's not one to be fucked with.  That said, it STILL says "2008 King of the Ring William Regal" as his title.  LET IT GO.  Zeke comes in the ring for...some reason (maybe he's incredibly nearsighted and needed to stare at that belt while five feet away from the champ) but quickly is sent to the outside to just stand around and look big and black, I guess.
What's that?  Regal and christian in the main event with plenty of time to spare?  Well you know what that means - SLOWWWWWWWWWWWW MO.  Amateur wrestling a plenty is the name of the game in the opening minutes, as the first punch/impact move isn't even thrown until like 5 minutes into the match.  So yeah, it's TOTALLY a fast-paced affair.  The punches send Regal to the outside, where he follows up with a baseball slide.  After he dumps Regal back inside, he takes time to have a loving stare off at his future opponent.  Apparently he does this for so long SyFy decides to take a commercial break right in the middle of it!
Back from break, Christian is still all over Regal, but taking one look too long at his new ebony lover lets Regal get the upper hand.  The champ gets a few flashes of hope here and there, but Regal's always got an answer.  To sum up things, REST HOLD, Christian gets a few hits in, Regal puts him down, pin attempt, REST HOLD, rinse and repeat.  However, Regal gets in a BRUTAL boot to the side of his head sandwiching Christian's noggin between his foot and the steel post.  Christian proceeds to oversell like crazy, but it was painful as hell looking so I'll let it pass.  But yeah, after that, you guessed it, REST HOLD.  Christian has finally had enough of Regal's shit, and runs wild while still selling the beating he's taken to the head.  Tornado DDT gets two, and then Regal HILARIOUSLY just casually steps aside when Christian goes for one Missile Dropkick too many (he scored with one and then immediately went up for another).  Such casual stepping aside is immediately followed with Regal crouching and ROARING in the corner to go for the running knee, but that's countered into a jacknife pin for a close two.  So Regal just goes to the "hit him in the head" well again, until Christian battles out to hit a SHORYUKEN for two.  Killswitch attempt gets fought out of, so Christian just sends Regal to the outside.  Ezekiel decides he's not getting enough attention, because he just NOW decides to leap into the ring and run over the champ, causing the DQ finish.
Winner:  Christian
What Stood Out:  Hey, I may have seen this match a million times already, but it was still good!  So let's go ahead and ruin it with the shitty disqualification.
After the bell, Ezekiel is laying the beating on the champ with general hossiness, followed by Regal hitting the running knee.  After that, not one, but TWO negronages (the second one happening like two seconds before the show's over)!  It's like a damn NAACP convention in there!  Oh and because you have ADD, while Jackson's music plays, they replay what happened not even five seconds ago.  Can the champ withstand the challenger, who will win at the Royal Rumble, blah blah blah.  THE END.

Uppers:  Barring the end of it, the main event.  Orton/Cena's got nothing on this feud as far as frequency of matches goes.  The bright spot is that when William Regal and Christian face off in the ring, it's usually a hell of a good match.  Tonight was no exception to that rule.  And that'll be it for this section.
Downers:  So much crap, so little time.  Ryder's segment was dull but thankfully short, the tag match was just...there, and I really don't see the point of recapping a feud between two guys if they have yet to actually interact in any way on ECW outside of the battle royal last week.  Of course, all of that FAR pales in comparison to the opening segment.  I REALLY hope there's a special little nook reserved in hell for the assholes that came up with that.  I will admit that Santino's stuff will usually get a laugh out of me.  Tonight was not one of those times.  Add in "Made in the USA" Vladimir Kozlov and the total silence this segment got from the crowd, and I don't think that could've possibly been more disastrous.  I'm pretty sure that segment gave me AIDS.  I don't know how, it just did.  It's talented in its horribleness.
Oh, and look what I just noticed!  Only two matches tonight.  Yeah, that's very fucking lame.
Overall:  AVOID.  I'd say watch the main event, but really, is it anything you haven't seen on this show fifty times already?  NOPE.  Stay away.  FAR away.
And that'll do it for me this week.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have a jug of old-timey gin with my name on it to help me forget about this debacle of a show...

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).