Still standing here in
Green Bay! Land of fellow crushed sports fans.
I feel your pain. Though if the Eagles come
visit you next season, I will immediately begin the
talking of shit. The video department gets to
work early tonight, airing a video package on the
Homecoming main event tonight. Short but very
effective way of summing up the past 4 weeks.
Next up, Rosa Mendez comes out to the predictable
diva entrance (walk out, random pose on the ramp,
walk to the ring, pose on the apron), but with the
extra special bonus of randomly dancing when she
gets into the ring. Said it before, I'll say
it again. Girls dancing by themselves with a
30-foot clearance is always sad to see.
Doesn't matter how hot they are, they look retarded.
Anyway she introduces Zack Ryder (way to earn that
paycheck!) who comes out and rips on Dreamer some
more. This gets old in a hurry and Hurricane
comes out. Now it gets even older to refute
Ryder's claim as the new heart and soul of ECW.
This leads to Rosa talking latina (I'd say it was
Spanish but WAYYYY too fast for me to understand),
Hurricane getting his jingoism on by demanding she
speak english, and getting slapped. So
Hurricane responds by beating the hell out of Ryder,
who was just standing there like a goof. So
that was fun...yeah, Ryder and Rosa play the part of
Long Island trash to a T. In that I want to
obliterate all my senses with a rusty screwdriver
whenever they're talking.
And in TOTALLY IMPROMPTU
AND NO WAY WE NEED TO TAKE UP TIME ON THIS SHOW
General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany made this
match during the break. You know, when
she wasn't taking it up the pooper from Ezekiel
Jackson 'cause she's a big whore donchaknow:
Ryder w/ Rosa Mendez Vs. The Hurricane
Things start off even enough
for these two but Ryder gets the advantage
eventually. And while he's cinching in the
rest holds, I notice Ryder's hair is looking a
little...sparse in the back. How old is he?
24?! Damn that is a bad hand to be dealt.
Unless he's balding prematurely because of foreign
substances. HAH! Steroids in wrestling?
Surely you jest. Oh yeah, the match.
Hurricane comes back, but a Rosa distraction lets
Ryder lay in the Zack Attack to pick up the win.
Trust me, researching Ryder's age was ten times more
Winner: Zack Ryder
What Stood Out: I never
would've pegged that dude as being two years younger
than me. I was thinking 30 at least.
TO THE BACK for a quickie
CM Punk promo. Basically he plans to win the
title and use it as a stepping stone to remold ECW
in his image. I imagined a compelling
storyline where he takes over ECW and wages war on
the other brands, but then realized WWE doesn't
actually give a shit. So, MOVING ON.
Goldust Vs. ONE OF THOSE GUYS (the tan one)
OK, Goldy's losing it.
His makeup is making him look like a reject from
Cats. I'm assuming that's the intention because
that's just BIZAARE. Goldust is all over THAT
GUY in the opening minutes, hitting basically that
double team Miz and Morrison always did, just by
himself. THAT GUY eventually gets clotheslined
to the outside, but he manages to dodge a Goldust
charge and hit a legdrop in one movement to take
over. And I must say, THAT GUY has a
ridiculously high pitched scream. I'm talking
hasn't hit puberty high. Goldust eventually
gets right back on top of things, and I have to say
he really works well with THAT GUY. Final Cut gets
flipped out of, and when the two go to the corner,
the ref tries to break it up. So, THAT GUY
hits a reverse elbow to stun Goldust, and hits THAT
SOLO FINISHER (a running leaping knee to the face,
girly scream and all) for the win.
Winner: ONE OF THOSE GUYS
What Stood Out: Dude,
grow some pubes or something, seriously.
TO THE BACK AGAIN, now with
Regal doing most of the talking up for Ezekiel
tonight. Biblical references galore! At
least they're trying to make sure people think the
main event's a big deal.
Video Recap of Raw's up now,
and I have to say, Tyson was remarkably well-spoken.
His threats to Hornswoggle? PROMO OF THE YEAR.
The main event bullshit? Not so much. I
have to say, Jericho takes potatoes to the face
remarkably well. But yeah, he takes shots to
the soul week after week even better. Just
saying, I don't care how much I'd be getting, I have
to draw a line somewhere. Becoming the new
Chavo would be that line.
A very...SPARKLY Savannah
brings out ECW's bottom bitch...I mean GMGBT.
She grabs the microphone (as she's used to grabbing
cylindrical objects at this point) and manages to
cancel out all interest I had in this match with her
monotone delivery. MY GOD WOMAN TAKE SOME
ACTING LESSONS. This leads to Christian coming
out to do some commentary for the main event,
tossing some jokes the announcers' way before we get
this thing underway...
Punk Vs. Yoshi Tatsu Vs. Matt Hardy Vs. Evan Bourne
Vs. Shelton Benjamin Vs. Glenn HowertonNO WAIT Vance
Archer Vs. Ezekiel Jackson Vs. Kane, 8 Man
Homecoming Battle Royal for the #1 Contendership to
the ECW Championship
Before Kane even comes out,
Shelton Benjamin apparently was not a fan of Garden
State because he attacks Vance Archer the second he
enters the ring. Once Kane comes out and the
ref pries J.D. and his brown bear apart, away we go!
Oh, and do NOT expect me to recap this blow by blow.
So, Evan Bourne shows how
important he is, getting pitched out within ten
seconds by Kane. This leads to a shot of the
announcers conversing, and Josh Matthews ISN'T EVEN
WATCHING THE MATCH. He's got like the thinker
pose going looking away from Christian and Byron.
Way to do your job buddy. So this leads to
about 5 minutes of almosts (making Evan look more
like a joke by the second) with mainly Kane
dominating the match but electing to just beat the
hell out of everyone without really attempting to
toss anyone and, you know, WIN THE MATCH. CM
Punk almost gets tossed by Tatsu but immediately
slides under the bottom rope. Christian
continues to crack jokes in spite of what's actually
going on in the match. COMMENTATE PEOPLE,
WRESTLING IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. Commercial
Back from break, no one's been
eliminated but Evan Bourne still. That'll
teach you for having an exciting offense!
Vance gets sent to the apron a couple minutes later,
and ends up getting sent to the floor when Shelton
launches with a cross body, taking himself out as
well. Hardy and Yoshi pair off for a bit, but
Ezekiel cuts in to catch Hardy off the top to send
him to the outside (though Hardy tried to skin the
cat, Ezekiel saw it and settles to boot him in the
back of the head). Once again, no high flying
allowed in WWE. Zeke proceeds to run wild,
taking down everone then throwing out CM Punk (which
gets a big crowd pop) while Kane counters a
corner...thing by Yoshi to toss him out as well.
So, we're down to...sigh...Ezekiel Jackson and Kane.
True to WWE form, the two guys spend a couple
minutes showing off strength too each other.
I'm hossier! No, I'M HOSSIER!
GRAHHHHHHHHHHHH! There, now you don't have to
watch it on youtube. Though, for what it's
worth they got the crowd into it. Kane gets
the upper hand after a big boot, then does the
SMARTEST manuver in a Battle Royal, goes to the top
rope. He misses with his flying but not really
clothesline, and Ezekiel takes advantage by
clotheslining Kane from behind right out of the ring
to get the win.
Winner: Ezekiel Jackson
What Stood Out: He may
have very little skill in the ring, but Zeke does
make his shit look PAINFUL. So I can sort of
approve of this outcome. But would I pay for
this match? HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL TO THE FUCK
Regal (inexplicably dressed to
compete yet he hasn't been on a televised match in
at least a month) comes out to congratulate Jackson
and taunt Christian. Some last minute shoddy
cut and pasting Jackson into the ECW Royal Rumble
match gets a laugh out of me. It was like,
POOF, giant black dude. Back to more hype to
take us out. Raise that title Christian,
you're required to at the end of every show!
Uppers: The main event, and all the
hype surrounding it (barring one specific instance
which I'll get to in a second). WWE did a good
job of making it seem like a big deal, over a month
in the making. As far as the match went, it
was certainly one of the better Battle Royals
they've put out on TV. The crowd seemed to
agree, sounding pretty into it by the end of the
match. Not really a fan of the result (If you
think the match this Sunday's going to be bad, just
wait until he wrestles him 10 more times before
Wrestlemania!), but I did enjoy the match itself.
Downers: You could tell everything
was focused on the battle royal tonight, because
everything else was just phoned in, in the WORST
way. Ryder/Hurricane I could not have possibly
given any less of a shit about, and Goldust/THAT GUY
was just OK. They definitely work well
together, I'll give them that. But really,
Goldust is taking up Tommy's mantle. That is,
he's fat and loses a lot. Live the dream,
Now, thinking a bit more about
GMGBT, my GOD she's getting on my nerves. Her
delivery is getting so wooden that Keanu Reeves is
looking like Jack Nicholson in comparison.
Given that her only job on the show is delivering
lines (pretty much never stepping into the ring),
you'd think she'd give enough of a shit to try and
improve that part of her game. NOPE.
Same grade school elocution, same lack of different
emotions, same general generic persona. Maybe
if she gets some sort of personality, she'll lose
the GMGBT monkier, but I'm not counting on it.
Overall: I'll give the show a thumbs
up, as unlike SOME shows, ECW ran with a long-term
storyline that was simple and effective.
Ezekiel ends up looking like an immediate threat,
and theoretically that builds interest in the match.
Of course, the match will end up being a total piss
break at the PPV, but good job building it up
And that'll do it for this
week. See? When the show's actually good
I can put some effort into these reports!