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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(01/12/10)
 
Welcome back to the ECW report.  Now I could stand here and pitch a hissy fit like Orton did in his match last night...AGAIN...about how much the Eagles SUCK and will CONTINUE TO SUCK for the years to come...but I won't.  I'm a bigger man than that.  Don't make me unzip the pants and prove it.  So, with that disturbing mental image slowly taking over your mind, let's get to it!
 

Still standing here in Green Bay!  Land of fellow crushed sports fans.  I feel your pain.  Though if the Eagles come visit you next season, I will immediately begin the talking of shit.  The video department gets to work early tonight, airing a video package on the Homecoming main event tonight.  Short but very effective way of summing up the past 4 weeks.  Next up, Rosa Mendez comes out to the predictable diva entrance (walk out, random pose on the ramp, walk to the ring, pose on the apron), but with the extra special bonus of randomly dancing when she gets into the ring.  Said it before, I'll say it again.  Girls dancing by themselves with a 30-foot clearance is always sad to see.  Doesn't matter how hot they are, they look retarded.  Anyway she introduces Zack Ryder (way to earn that paycheck!) who comes out and rips on Dreamer some more.  This gets old in a hurry and Hurricane comes out.  Now it gets even older to refute Ryder's claim as the new heart and soul of ECW.  This leads to Rosa talking latina (I'd say it was Spanish but WAYYYY too fast for me to understand), Hurricane getting his jingoism on by demanding she speak english, and getting slapped.  So Hurricane responds by beating the hell out of Ryder, who was just standing there like a goof.  So that was fun...yeah, Ryder and Rosa play the part of Long Island trash to a T.  In that I want to obliterate all my senses with a rusty screwdriver whenever they're talking.
 

And in TOTALLY IMPROMPTU AND NO WAY WE NEED TO TAKE UP TIME ON THIS SHOW General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany made this match during the break.   You know, when she wasn't taking it up the pooper from Ezekiel Jackson 'cause she's a big whore donchaknow:
 
Zack Ryder w/ Rosa Mendez Vs. The Hurricane
 
Things start off even enough for these two but Ryder gets the advantage eventually.  And while he's cinching in the rest holds, I notice Ryder's hair is looking a little...sparse in the back.  How old is he?  24?!  Damn that is a bad hand to be dealt.  Unless he's balding prematurely because of foreign substances.  HAH!  Steroids in wrestling?  Surely you jest.  Oh yeah, the match.  Hurricane comes back, but a Rosa distraction lets Ryder lay in the Zack Attack to pick up the win.  Trust me, researching Ryder's age was ten times more interesting.
 
Winner:  Zack Ryder
 
What Stood Out:  I never would've pegged that dude as being two years younger than me.  I was thinking 30 at least.
 

TO THE BACK for a quickie CM Punk promo.  Basically he plans to win the title and use it as a stepping stone to remold ECW in his image.  I imagined a compelling storyline where he takes over ECW and wages war on the other brands, but then realized WWE doesn't actually give a shit.  So, MOVING ON.
 

Goldust Vs. ONE OF THOSE GUYS (the tan one)
 
OK, Goldy's losing it.  His makeup is making him look like a reject from Cats. I'm assuming that's the intention because that's just BIZAARE.  Goldust is all over THAT GUY in the opening minutes, hitting basically that double team Miz and Morrison always did, just by himself.  THAT GUY eventually gets clotheslined to the outside, but he manages to dodge a Goldust charge and hit a legdrop in one movement to take over.  And I must say, THAT GUY has a ridiculously high pitched scream.  I'm talking hasn't hit puberty high.  Goldust eventually gets right back on top of things, and I have to say he really works well with THAT GUY. Final Cut gets flipped out of, and when the two go to the corner, the ref tries to break it up.  So, THAT GUY hits a reverse elbow to stun Goldust, and hits THAT SOLO FINISHER (a running leaping knee to the face, girly scream and all) for the win.
 
Winner:  ONE OF THOSE GUYS
 
What Stood Out:  Dude, grow some pubes or something, seriously.
 

TO THE BACK AGAIN, now with Regal doing most of the talking up for Ezekiel tonight.  Biblical references galore!  At least they're trying to make sure people think the main event's a big deal.
 
Video Recap of Raw's up now, and I have to say, Tyson was remarkably well-spoken.  His threats to Hornswoggle?  PROMO OF THE YEAR.  The main event bullshit?  Not so much.  I have to say, Jericho takes potatoes to the face remarkably well.  But yeah, he takes shots to the soul week after week even better.  Just saying, I don't care how much I'd be getting, I have to draw a line somewhere.  Becoming the new Chavo would be that line.
 

A very...SPARKLY Savannah brings out ECW's bottom bitch...I mean GMGBT.  She grabs the microphone (as she's used to grabbing cylindrical objects at this point) and manages to cancel out all interest I had in this match with her monotone delivery.  MY GOD WOMAN TAKE SOME ACTING LESSONS.  This leads to Christian coming out to do some commentary for the main event, tossing some jokes the announcers' way before we get this thing underway...
 
CM Punk Vs. Yoshi Tatsu Vs. Matt Hardy Vs. Evan Bourne Vs. Shelton Benjamin Vs. Glenn HowertonNO WAIT Vance Archer Vs. Ezekiel Jackson Vs. Kane, 8 Man Homecoming Battle Royal for the #1 Contendership to the ECW Championship
 
Before Kane even comes out, Shelton Benjamin apparently was not a fan of Garden State because he attacks Vance Archer the second he enters the ring.  Once Kane comes out and the ref pries J.D. and his brown bear apart, away we go!  Oh, and do NOT expect me to recap this blow by blow.
 
So, Evan Bourne shows how important he is, getting pitched out within ten seconds by Kane.  This leads to a shot of the announcers conversing, and Josh Matthews ISN'T EVEN WATCHING THE MATCH.  He's got like the thinker pose going looking away from Christian and Byron.  Way to do your job buddy.  So this leads to about 5 minutes of almosts (making Evan look more like a joke by the second)  with mainly Kane dominating the match but electing to just beat the hell out of everyone without really attempting to toss anyone and, you know, WIN THE MATCH.  CM Punk almost gets tossed by Tatsu but immediately slides under the bottom rope.  Christian continues to crack jokes in spite of what's actually going on in the match.  COMMENTATE PEOPLE, WRESTLING IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.  Commercial break, GO.
 
Back from break, no one's been eliminated but Evan Bourne still.  That'll teach you for having an exciting offense!  Vance gets sent to the apron a couple minutes later, and ends up getting sent to the floor when Shelton launches with a cross body, taking himself out as well.  Hardy and Yoshi pair off for a bit, but Ezekiel cuts in to catch Hardy off the top to send him to the outside (though Hardy tried to skin the cat, Ezekiel saw it and settles to boot him in the back of the head).  Once again, no high flying allowed in WWE.  Zeke proceeds to run wild, taking down everone then throwing out CM Punk (which gets a big crowd pop) while Kane counters a corner...thing by Yoshi to toss him out as well.  So, we're down to...sigh...Ezekiel Jackson and Kane.  True to WWE form, the two guys spend a couple minutes showing off strength too each other.  I'm hossier!  No, I'M HOSSIER!  GRAHHHHHHHHHHHH!  There, now you don't have to watch it on youtube.  Though, for what it's worth they got the crowd into it.  Kane gets the upper hand after a big boot, then does the SMARTEST manuver in a Battle Royal, goes to the top rope.  He misses with his flying but not really clothesline, and Ezekiel takes advantage by clotheslining Kane from behind right out of the ring to get the win.
 
Winner:  Ezekiel Jackson
 
What Stood Out:  He may have very little skill in the ring, but Zeke does make his shit look PAINFUL.  So I can sort of approve of this outcome.  But would I pay for this match?  HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL TO THE FUCK NO.
 
Regal (inexplicably dressed to compete yet he hasn't been on a televised match in at least a month) comes out to congratulate Jackson and taunt Christian.  Some last minute shoddy cut and pasting Jackson into the ECW Royal Rumble match gets a laugh out of me.  It was like, POOF, giant black dude.  Back to more hype to take us out.  Raise that title Christian, you're required to at the end of every show!  THE END.
 

Uppers:  The main event, and all the hype surrounding it (barring one specific instance which I'll get to in a second).  WWE did a good job of making it seem like a big deal, over a month in the making.  As far as the match went, it was certainly one of the better Battle Royals they've put out on TV.  The crowd seemed to agree, sounding pretty into it by the end of the match.  Not really a fan of the result (If you think the match this Sunday's going to be bad, just wait until he wrestles him 10 more times before Wrestlemania!), but I did enjoy the match itself.
 
Downers:  You could tell everything was focused on the battle royal tonight, because everything else was just phoned in, in the WORST way.  Ryder/Hurricane I could not have possibly given any less of a shit about, and Goldust/THAT GUY was just OK.  They definitely work well together, I'll give them that.  But really, Goldust is taking up Tommy's mantle.  That is, he's fat and loses a lot.  Live the dream, baby!
 
Now, thinking a bit more about GMGBT, my GOD she's getting on my nerves.  Her delivery is getting so wooden that Keanu Reeves is looking like Jack Nicholson in comparison.  Given that her only job on the show is delivering lines (pretty much never stepping into the ring), you'd think she'd give enough of a shit to try and improve that part of her game.  NOPE.  Same grade school elocution, same lack of different emotions, same general generic persona.  Maybe if she gets some sort of personality, she'll lose the GMGBT monkier, but I'm not counting on it.
 
Overall:  I'll give the show a thumbs up, as unlike SOME shows, ECW ran with a long-term storyline that was simple and effective.  Ezekiel ends up looking like an immediate threat, and theoretically that builds interest in the match.  Of course, the match will end up being a total piss break at the PPV, but good job building it up anyway.
 
And that'll do it for this week.  See?  When the show's actually good I can put some effort into these reports!
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).