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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(01/05/10)
 
Welcome back to the better late than never (at least I think so) ECW Report!  Now brought to you through the power of Youtube, due to work going into full-on anal rape mode.  So I get to only take a look at this show around the middle of the night a day later!  Yay?
 
Before you ask, of COURSE I'm going to be talking about Monday.  I'd have to hand in my IWC card if I didn't, obviously.  To describe my personal experience, I missed the first hour of impact, mainly because I guess they didn't advertise the show enough.  I needed to be reminded every 5 minutes damn it!  Also, I was a TNA man that night, as I only changed the channel once it was over, to turn to Raw just in time to see Bret Hart get kicked in the balls by Vince McMahon.  Yep, seems about right.  He's been doing that to Harts figuratively for years now!  To sum up my experience with impact, it was weird.  I was watching the show and for some reason I looked to my right and my computer was running Windows 95, looked at the paper and saw that Bill Clinton was getting sworn in for his second term, and I MAGICALLY returned to being an anti-social virgin!  It totally happened, I swear.  I'm actually proud of Hulk for managing to keep at least ONE of his hangers-on away from TNA that night.  No Ed Leslie made me a happy camper.  I was also legit shocked at Jeff Hardy showing up, and thought he was HILARIOUS, especially when the jailbait swarmed on him as he was leaving.  Oh well, enjoy it while it lasts since he's probably going to be rotting in a jail cell by the end of the week.  All in all, a great night for wrestling, honestly.  Of course, the ratings were nowhere NEAR the same (I think it was 1.5 for TNA and 3.6 for WWE) but a step in the right direction regardless.  OK, enough of that good stuff, time for some shit!
 

Still standing here in Louisville!  And as soon as the show starts, we get right to the champ coming out for a little talky talky.  Christian rants about the ECW homecoming and how it's the final week of qualifiers before CM Punk comes out to interrupt the proceedings to teach a lesson on getting heat.  Christian starts chuckling as CM starts talking, which leads to an obligatory plug of Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels hugging it out (if you listen closely, you could hear millions of IWC scream out in pain).  Christian then somehow segues into complaining about CM being here, and Punk is not amused.  Christian also looks to get in the cheap shot of Punk looking like a homeless person.  So all this leads to is hype for Punk's qualifier against Mark Henry later (along with Shelton Benjamin Vs. Chavo Guerrero but who cares really).  Futurama was on the TV so I wasn't paying too much attention (half-assed baby!) but since it was Christian and CM Punk, I just assumed it was good shit.  NEXT SEGMENT.
 

ECW Homecoming Qualifying Match #7:  Shelton Benjamin Vs. Chavo Guerrero
 
Oh come on, given how thuroughly Chavo's credibility has been raped into the dirt, is this result even in any doubt?
 
Chavo starts out with wailing on Shelton, which turns into getting his ass kicked instead.  This goes on for a while now.  Man, that Chavo, what a competitor.  Remember, THIS guy has actually been champion before.  Shane Douglas weeps at that thought.  His manager then tells him to go restock the housewares aisle.  Chavo does actually manage to turn it around after hanging Shelton up on the top rope, and WHOA THERE, Chavo looking threatening!  He works Benjamin's leg for a good while before Shelton finally battles back, but a HUGE headscissors ends that.  Chavo then goes up for a frog splash, but Shelton gets up, Chavo somersaults off the top, and runs right into getting PayDirt'd for the pin.
 
Winner:  Shelton Benjamin
 
What Stood Out:  Boy I love matches when I have no doubt who's winning!
 

Quick flashback to last week and Dreamer's touching sendoff now, which is still good times.  This leads to Zack Ryder and Rosa Mendez coming out, who says Tommy is dead and gone.  Um, unless Vince shot Dreamer as soon as he got backstage, I think that's a bit of an exaggeration.  And, that's really it.  Well, glad to see you Zack.
 
This leads to the Raw recap, focusing on WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK.  For a guy in his 50's, Hart looks pretty damn awesome.  I heard outside of those two segments Raw was decidedly average, so no harm no foul.  Now it's time for some QUALITY wrestling:
 
Ezekiel Jackson w/ William Regal Vs. Vladimir Kozlov
 
...Oh, sorry about that, this match seemed to have bored me into a coma.  Watching a couple of stiffs hoss it up for about 8 minutes will do that do a guy.  But yeah, Ezekiel just plops him on the mat with a Negronage, clean as a sheet.
 
Winner:  Ezekiel Jackson
 
What Stood Out:  ...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
 
After the bell, they decide to rub it in Kozlov for a bit.  Man, what a fucking jobber.  To the unemployment line with your Russkie ass!
 

TO THE BACK with Mark Henry already sweating it up, despide just standing there.  Tony Atlas pops in to say hi and offers to come down to the ring with Henry tonight, but then busts out the laugh to have Mizark shoot him down.  Aww, muffin.  MAIN EVENT GO.
 
ECW Homecoming Qualifying Match #8:  CM Punk w/ Luke Gallows Vs. Mark Henry w/ Lake Superior Left Behind Wherever He Walks
 
There has been FAR too much red on wrestlers tonight.  Also notice both black hosses are wearing all red attire.  It's like the scarlet letter, and to me, equally as shameful.  Judging by the time left on the youtube vid looks like they're giving this about 10 minutes, so away we go!
 
CM tries his best to wear down Henry, but since it's EVERY MARK HENRY MATCH EVER, he shrugs off all the hits and powers him all over the place.  Punk retreats to the outside as we go to break.
 
Back from the break, Henry gives chase to the outside (yes, it DOES take Mark 5 minutes to process that he should go to the outside) and he gets drop toe hold'd into the steel steps.  Once things get back into the ring, Punk is all over Henry with some basic heeliness.  Remember, the slower you do moves, the more EEEEEEEEVIL it is.  Henry finally decides to...um, "black" up and shrugs off all the kicks again and runs wild on Punk.  Henry then goes for one fatty charge to the corner too many, but Henry shrugs off the Pepsi One, nearly sending CM into the ref.  While Punk and the ref have a little chat, Gallows pops Henry, who stumbles into the roundhouse kick from Punk to collect the pin and the final homecoming spot.
 
Winner:  CM Punk
 
What Stood Out:  Mark Henry, the master of variety.
 
So, apparently the finale to the homecoming is next week, and it's going to be an mini battle royale.  So after some last minute hype to make it sound like ECW is going to be one to watch, we're done here.  THE END.
 
Uppers:  Holy crap, they're trying to make Chavo not look like a total joke all of a sudden!  Granted, he still lost as usual, but baby steps.  Main event was also good for what it was, mainly because Punk can only do so much with a guy who can only work one kind of match ever for eternity.
 
Downers:  Honestly, no real issues with tonight.  Oh wait, Kozlov/Jackson was awful.  But at this point, are you surprised?  The only shocker I saw from that was how cleanly Kozlov got put down.  If that guy gets his walking papers by the end of the week, I'm not going to be surprised.
 
Overall:  Tonight's show was chock full of both wrestling and promo-related stuff.  It was probably the best balance you could hope for.  So, despite me not giving it my undivided attention, thumbs up for me, it was no Monday, but still good times.
 
And that'll do it.  Hopefully I'll get back on track next week, but I only make claims like that to disappoint you, really.
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).