As we all know by now,
ECW is coming back. Vince McMahon himself made
the announcement *official* via WWE.com.
However, with the return of the cult-Icon that
was ECW, comes a big "but, by the way". In this
case, the "by the way" in question is that ECW
will be broadcast on the Sci-Fi channel, which
is a subsidiary of the USA Network. Apparently
the other choice was "Bravo", but thoughts of a
possible "Queer Eye for the Extreme Guy"
spin-off was likely too much for even Vince to
Upon hearing the announcement
that ECW, the brand that revolutionized how we
view wrestling, would be airing on a channel
known for airing Science Fiction and fantasy
programming, both sides of the affected spectrum
were up in arms. The wrestling fans cried out
that pro wrestling has no connection to the
world of fantasy (unless it's a sixty year
old Vince making out with a Diva), while Sci-Fi
geeks were heard shouting out (in varying
self-taught Klingon dialects no doubt) that pro
wrestling "has no business" interfering with
their network's direction. But I ask you
this: Are we so different? If you prick us,
don't we both
bleed? (although the colors may differ based
on the home planet). I mean, let's face it, to
the general public at large, we're basically
perceived as the same animal. That being
morbidly obese losers, with strange collections
who watch and scrutinize their program of choice
to an unfair and nerdish degree. Hell, we even
pine for the same unreal vision of women, with
the only difference being that our women of
choice are made of silicone while yours are
metal or cartoons. I mean, why can't we all get
along? The differences are negligible. I mean,
you have your little green men, and we have our
big "green" hosses. Vulcans are always pinching
people on the traps on your show, while Samoans
are always doing the very same thing on ours.
Can't we all get along? Surely there's room for
us too in the Intergalactic senate?
any event, soon, the wrestling fans came down to
earth (no pun intended) and realized that we
were just happy that ECW was coming back at all.
I mean, we all put up with Rollerjam and the
Television PHENOMENON that was Rock N' Bowl on
TNN, right? Having ECW, THE ECW we
remembered and loved back was all worth it. Even
if Sci-fans panned our product while secretly
fashioning a transport device capable of
time-travel to go back to 1965 and murder Paul
Heyman's mother, thus preventing this travesty
from ever occurring.
Then it happened.
Vince McMahon, during a press conference,
uttered a line that sent shock waves through the
three masters to serve. There’s the small, vocal
the SCI FI audience that is accustomed to things
more SCI FI."
with that one sentence, our worst fears all came
flooding back. "Appealing to the Sci-Fi
audience that is accustomed to things being more
Sci-Fi?!" Soon, images flooded our heads,
of ECW characters recreated for THEIR benefit. I
mean, what's first, ring action called by Jor-El
Gertner? 911 brought back as the Borg "Nine of
One, One"? Or how about Tazz stuffed into a toy
space suit (which he'd probably have no problems
physically fitting into) and being rechristened
Ok, Ok, I'll admit,
this was mostly me saying these things. And this
has all really been a cheap attempt to cleverly
segue into a satire of Sci-Fi inspired ECW
gimmicks that I was planning on doing anyway.
So with that said, we here at TWF,
upon hearing this news, began to dig, and
through our sources (Bryan Alvarez's uncle's
cousin's former roommate) came up with what
Vince and Bonny Hammer (who better own at least
one pair of balloon pants with that surname)
have in store for Paul Heyman (T'Pol Heyman?)
and his crew in the very near future! Let's get
half man, half spot machine. He has no pity. He
has no remorse. And he absolutely cannot, will
not stop until you are dead. Well, unless it’s
20 minutes after 4, because for whatever reason
he tends to kinda disappear around then. He's
VAN TERMINATOR. Cybernetic killing machine from
the future with a chemically-induced laid back
Van Terminator will likely
debut over the next month, suddenly emerging
from the ring amidst a cloud of lightning and
smoke of questionable substance. He will then
approach Faith No More Guy at ringside,
"Dude, give me your clothes, your boots and
your motorcycle. And if you have any cheetoes,
I’ll take those too."
we'll learn of his mission to hunt down the
mother of the yet-to-be-born leader of the
resistance, Sara Taker, who he'll pursue with
contrived unrealistic offense, demanding Sara
lay on the ground and casually wait for him to
roll on top of her. The whole thing falls apart
after that. (It's said that Triple H has
insisted the angle end with Rob legitimately
crushed in a machine press upon conclusion.).
Runt of the Dudley litter,
Spike Dudley is expected to be brought and
re-debuted as "Spock Dudley", trading in his
Acid Drop for a nerve pinch. (Hey, it's still
more credible than Umaga's fucking thumb).
Soon thereafter, he'll
discard his reckless style, and implore people
like Mike Awesome to not put him through a table
3 minutes into a match because it's "highly
illogical". However, "WWE" and "logic" are
mortal enemies, so Spock will soon find himself
written out of the show, perishing after locking
himself inside the radioactive Titan Tron.
In a last ditch effort
to preserve his spirit, a dying Spock will
attempt a "mind-meld" with a member of WWE
creative; however, the attempt will fail after
no source is found.
While on a
Star Trek kick, ECW will rehire New Jack, and
upon finding out that he's half blind anyway,
they will fit him with a visor and pair him with
a android counterpart, for whom he'll teach
basic human nuances like humor, love, and how to
use everyday household appliances to savagely
murder people. You know, the basics. In
any event, New Geordi's stint in ECW will
ultimately be a short one, after he stabs Vic
Grimes to death inside the Holodeck.
DAWN (MARIE) OF THE DEAD!
attempt to corner the exclusive untapped "zombie
market", ECW will inject valet Dawn Marie with
an incurable virus that transforms her into the
living dead. However, this strangely will have
no effect on the libido of ECW fans as they
chant for her to show her tits anyway. Chants
somewhat subside though after Hat Guy is
devoured on camera at ringside.
eventually, Dawn Marie will be released after
instinctually biting through Lance Storm's skull
while he struck his famous Impact Players pose.
However, Dawn would dispute WWE management's
decision, filing a lawsuit for wrongful
termination since she was undead at the time and
promised this wouldn't effect her job.
After a night of drinking
barbicide and eating urinal cakes, Tommy Dreamer
is suddenly stricken with an idea for a device
capable of opening
worm holes in time and space, and allowing him
to in essence jump from world to world (one of
which that hopefully allows him to actually win
He excitedly informs
his friends Joey Styles, Too Cold Scorpio and
Francine of his breakthrough, and attempts give
a demonstration when suddenly the quartet is
sucked through a vortex and thrust into a
parallel earth! They immediately feel
lost because when they turn on their TVs, they
watch a WWE show that has "continuity" and makes
complete sense! Obviously horrified at this
unknown occurrence, the foursome continue
to jump from dimension to dimension, hoping that
along the way they'll at least find a parallel
Paul Heyman who'll actually pay them! (3 million
worlds down and still no dice!)
Former partners and
"Da Baldies" members Tony DeVito and Vito
Lagrasso will once again be reunited in ECW,
this time as Extra-Terrestrial seeking FBI
agents Balder and Skully Von Krush (who'll
naturally be portrayed by Vito in drag as per
decree by the "talented" WWE creative team!).
The duo (under the orders of WWE agent Steve
Keirn playing Walter "Skinner" Skinner) will
attempt to solve the unexplainable (a Justin
Credible World Title reign?) while Balder
desperately seeks "the truth" involving his
beloved 1999 push that disappeared completely
with no trace. To add to the intrigue, Sandman
will be cast as the omnipresent "smoking man";
well, until he shows up drunken to a Syndicate
meeting and takes off his pants.
Sabu will soon
re-debut, this time playing a homicidal,
suicidal, genocidal time-lord who travels the
far reaches of time and space in his TARDIS (not
Eugene) and possesses the power to regenerate
his injuries; which tends to come in handy those
times when crazy glue is not readily available.
Upon first examination the TARDIS, (the very
device that allows Doctor 'Bu to blow spots in
hundreds of different worlds) has the appearance
of a standard telephone booth, which ironically
enough will come in handy those times Doctor 'Bu
completely no-shows a contracted appearance.
It'll also often be used by 'Bu to spring-board
off of, before ultimately breaking in half
after a moonsault gone awry, leaving him
stranded in the very fabric of time. (anything
beats "Bombay Michigan", though, right?)
But, hey wait, there's more!....
right, chances are, in between burying Nunzio as
a "Full Blooded Ferengi" and releasing all the
Klingons (likely spelled "cling-ons" by Vince)
you just know Vinnie Mac won't be able to resist
the urge to bring in non-ECW talent and muck up
the brand. But hey, other than suiting up Saturn
in a giant ball and having him play the actual
planet, what's left to do with the ECW stars
that will please that *All-important* Sci-Fi
audience, whom Vince desperately hopes will
choose to masturbate to Trish Stratus instead of
Jeri Ryan? Why, improvise of course!
Hardy is THE HIGHLANDER!
There can be
only one! (well,unless you're talking about
the STD's he may have caught from Lita, because
with that, the sky’s the limit.). It's Matt
Hardy, IMMORTAL! And hey, Matt's been yelling
that he cannot die for over a year now, so it
just makes perfect sense. Soon, the former
Sensei of Mattitude will reemerge as a
broadsword wielding clansman (although, since he
from the south, I'm not gonna speculate what
kind of "clan" that might be) revealing that the
only way he can "die" is to have his head
severed from his shoulders. Vince however hopes
to prove otherwise, vowing to kill him over
hundreds of centuries with continuous jobs.
Whatever comes first, I guess.
Mark Henry is THE PREDATOR!
And you thought he injured
people before? Well, now he's got a guided laser
system and nuclear capabilities!
But seriously, why not
Predator? We've all been making the comparisons
online for YEARS anyway, so why not just suit
the fat bastard up? And all we can hope for in
the end is that after a loss he pushes that
thermal-nuclear self-destruct button. And sure,
nuclear fallout is bad and all, but if your
alternative is a prolonged Mark Henry push, I'll
take a little cancer inducing radiation any day.
THE SPIRIT SQUAD (LITERALLY).
know Vince's fascination with these guys will
end eventually, so you might as well think
ahead. So, with that said, Kenny, Mitch, Nicky
and Mikey will trade in their
for capturing actual"spirits", when
they exchange their pom-poms for a proton pack!
Introducing The Spirit Squad; paranormal
scientists and Ghostbusters extraordinaire!
Unlike their WWE stints, the Spirit Squad will
be over as babyfaces after they rid the ECW of a
marshmallow man (Mick Foley). However, things
will go south fast after they accidentally suck
Terry Funk into a ghost trap despite the fact
that he's still alive (although, it is kinda
tough to tell sometimes). From there, an angry
Vince will demand the ECW ghost containment unit
will be emptied, in turn unleashing the vengeful
spirits of Public Enemy and Big Dick Dudley to
do all sorts of damage!....well, for about 24
hours anyway, until Johnny Ace releases them all
for not working "WWE style". Hey, on second
thought, maybe this isn't that great of an idea
BUFF THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!
Hey, I know
he didn't leave Vince & company on the best of
terms, but this is a *whole new* company and a
whole new opportunity for the Stuff. And who
better to portray a vampire slayer? I mean, he
did work closely with two ancient evil
bloodsuckers (Hogan & Nash) while in WCW! It's
only natural! Ok, I lied. it's not natural.
Chances are Buff wouldn't be able to have the
fortitude to do in vampires and he'd need his
mom to finish the work he started. But hey, he
could like pose while she drove the stakes
through the hearts. She did win the World Tag
team Titles once, after all, remember? So what's
impaling a few evil minions? Exactly.
then. Clearly this was just an excuse to make a
lot of pictures and ramble on, exposing my
inherent nerdiness for both genres. But come on,
tell the truth, you'd still watch this over
SmackDown, wouldn't you?
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears
those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald
spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read
at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk
Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
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