ECW

ONE NIGHT STAND

Hey there, kids. I’ve got some bad news for you tonight, as I’m forced to inform you that Sean Carless has tested my urine, and he’s determined that I need to enter TWF’s very own Wellness Program. Alas, for this summer, instead of doing White Vans and Candy, I’ll work once or twice a month on these PPV recaps and drink my face off. This “regular column” thing was leaving me with no time to tap the source of my columns – the bottom of a bottle. Just to show you how well this program works, I can tell you right now that my bacne is really clearing up! …

Welcome to ECW One Night Stand: Hey, Did I Leave My Keys Here? Tonight, expect an awkward meeting, some predictable small talk, a lot of alcohol, and then telling yourself in the morning that the last time this happened, it took months to freeze off those warts. But enough about Danny Doring spotting Lita backstage, let’s to the wrasslin’!

The PPV starts off with Paul Heyman coming out to predictable massive cheers. Paul tells us that he’s “going to pour our kool aid down the throat of a global audience”. You know, if he mixed up some GHB into there, it seems like he’s trying to steal my typical date. Anywho, Paul thanks the audience for bringing ECW back, and says it’ll be better than Raw and Smackdown. That’s sorta like saying your gold medal in the Special Olympics is worth something. “This is the rebirth of ECW”, which gives me funny mental images of an 11 year old child having to pretend that a garden hose is his umbilical cord while his mother is on the rag. No?

We get the proper PPV opening video now, and Joey Styles welcoming us to the show. War Machine hits, and looks like we’ve got our opener.

Tazz VS Jerry Lawler

Lawler slaps Styles in the ring, and Joey fights back. Crowd is chanting “You Suck Dick” at Lawler, but I beg to differ. They don’t let guys into Girl Scouts. (Believe me, I’ve tried) Anywho, Lawler sets up Styles for a potential piledriver, but Tazz attacks and lands a few piledrivers of his own. Where’s Owen Hart when you need him? Oh…

Tazz then locks in the Tazmission from behind and The King passes out in 30 seconds. I’d have rather he tapped, but whatever.

Winner: Tazz

We get some highlights from the WWE vs ECW: Head to Head event. Tazz joins Joey on Commentary, and almost immediately, we’re jumping to the next match.

Randy Orton VS Kurt ‘The Brutal Brawler’ Angle

Angle is about as much of a brutal brawler as I’m an ugly, filthy, female gorilla. So, there’s some truth to it.

Anywho! Isn’t it odd that even Orton’s pyro looks mediocre? If the glove fits, you must admit… that Orton is pretty bland. The bell rings, and Kurt takes Orton down, but Orton takes a powder as the fans are chanting “Pussy”. I do the same, but at the strip club. Kurt is trying for the Ankle Lock early, but Orton gets out of it. Angle continues to win the mat game, and Orton regains his composure on the outside, and the fans continue to give it to him. Orton gets back into the match with.. wait.. can you guess… a rest hold! Kurt battles out, and channeling the spirit of HBK VS Hart, Ironman match (minus all the drama, skill, originality, and importance) Orton gets in another side headlock.  Orton would be so much cooler if he gave people noogies. And by “so much cooler”, I mean “slightly less douchey than he is now”.

Anyways, Kurt battles out with a belly to belly, but Orton regains control when Angle is the first man of the night to miss a shoulder charge in the corner and nail the ring post. Uppercuts and the like by Orton. Kurt comes back with a few pin attempts that get 2. Orton.. bites.. Angle? Geez, I know ECW’s budget is low so they cant’ afford catering, but come on!

CHINLOCK BY ORTON! THAT SHIT IS RIVETING!!! Kurt makes his come back with a few germans (not this)  Orton unloads a FIERCE OVW DROPKICK for 2. Kurt fights back, and lands the Angle Slam for 2. Remember when Rock kicked out of the Angle Slam and it was a big deal?  Remember when I did recaps that didn’t have these “Remember when” asides? Ankle Lock, but Randy rolls out and hits the stretch backbreaker for a nearfall. RKO attempt, but Kurt elbows him off. Orton climbs the turnbuckle, Kurt goes spider monkey with the run up, but Orton blocks it and shoves him off. Nice high crossbody, but Angle rolls through for two. Randy gets a clothesline, and tries an RKO, but Kurt locks in the Ankle Lock… Angle latches on the grapevine for the Ankle Pick, and Orton taps. Decent match, but wasn’t well suited on an ECW PPV. I’m gonna be blunt about it – Orton still blows.

Winner: Kurt Angle

The FBI start to make their way down to the ring, and I have to point something out. The FBI’s theme sounds EXTREMELY (haven’t heard that word enough lately, have you?) like the Beastie’s Boys “No Sleep Till Brooklyn”. I can only hope that Cena would give James Maritato props for being some of the original wrestling rappers on some VH1 special.

The F.B.I. (Little Guide & Tony Mamaluke) w/Big Guido VS Super Crazy & Yoshihiro Tajiri

We have a Little Guido, a Big Guido, but I wonder where Regular Guido is. In that same token, why don’t we have a Subdued Crazy? I think there’s a lot of potential in a dude who hits a bunch of high spots, but then his manager injects him with valium and then applies a chin lock. I’d make an Orton joke here, but I just finished making a bunch, so, let’s pretend I did and it was funny.

Anyways, Mamaluke and Super Crazy start this match off. It’s been a while since I’ve seen Mamaluke wrestle, but he hasn’t missed a beat as he and Crazy put together an impressive series of reversals, low impact offence, and chain wrestling. It’s also nice to see Tajiri, and I hope he’s going to be a permanent fixture of ECW. Just for that, he’ll go back to spitting on women, making them blind. (Hey, that sounds kinda fun) Crazy lands a Flapjack into an X-factor and a standing moonsault, but gets 2. Crazy tags in Tajiri, while Mamaluke gets the tag to Guido (man, it feels good to be able to call him that again), and Guido reverses a tilt-a-whirl into a fujiwara armbar. Guido ends up in a tree of Woe position, and as does Mamaluke. Tajiri and Crazy then try to out do each other with basement dropkicks to the FBI, which comes off pretty impressive. Crazy going for the Moonsault Trifecta, but Mamaluke saves Guido on the 3^rd. FBI is trying to get out, but Crazy lands a HUGE Asain Moonsault on to the FBI. Big Guido helps his guys out by beating up on Crazy on the outside.

You know what? I stopped taking notes after a while, because there was just too much going on, and I was too entertained. Granted, Super Crazy was incredibly plodding in the match (Super Lazy?) and we didn’t see a sick spot like we’d hope for, but it was still a decent match. Let’s just say there were a lot more spin kicks, drop kicks, flapjacks, and octopi than I can re-iterate. It’s worth nothing we saw a double tarantula, and a double dropkick to Big Guido. After that, The FBI landed a sick looking Double Fisherman’s Buster/Muscle Buster on Tajiri for the pinfall.

Winners: The FBI. They ALWAYS get their man. (Shit, that’s the Mounties. Oh well.)

After the match, Big Show comes to the ring with NEW MUSIC. Seriously, this guy has had the same shitty drawl for over 7 years, it’s about damned time. If only Celine Dion would learn from this… Anyways, Show & Big Guido stand off, as the other 4 men attack. Show dispatches them all, even hitting an indy-esque half nelson backbreaker on Mamaluke. Big Guido gets tossed to the floor, as we learn that Big = Big, but Show > Guido. .. what the fuck IS a Guido, anyways?

JBL is out now, and cuts a promo saying how he kicked Blue Meanie’s ass last year. Well, you know what, Jibble?  I took candy from a baby, and you don’t hear ME bragging! Except now. (It was pretty awesome; I got gummi bears!) Anywho, I think he insinuated that he’ll be the new announcer on Smackdown, but I could be wrong – I was told this by a hobo on the street that claimed that “Armageddon is coming”. However, it might have just been WWE PPV marketing at it’s finest. Where was I? Oh hell, a match is starting, I think I missed something. Pity.

The Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal, Spermicidal, American Idol, Trigonal Bipyramidal, Death Defying SABU w/o Bill Alfonso VS Rey Mysterio w/o some funny picture links, World Heavyweight Championship

Rey comes to the ring in some old school tights, clearly learning something from last year when the crowd turned on him for being very WWE. However, the crowd is still booing the shit out of him, so, umm, Karma? Oh, also, Nick Patrick is the referee, which might mean something. Probably not, but hey, I can pretend.

Immediately, these two guys just go at it, swinging chairs and all that good stuff. Early on, Rey gets his with Air Sabu, but shortly after, Rey reversed the Triple Jump Moonsault to a drop toe hold on the chair. Rey then used the chair in the corner do hit a .. double jump?... rana out of the corner. I’ll never understand why people think Hurricaranas look painful or whatever, but it’s not like I have a voice on this internet wrestling community. Oh wait, I do! .. really, I’m important! Why are you laughing?

Ok, enough about my failures in life, Sabu just threw a chair at Rey. Maybe he’s trying to tell Rey to stand on it to be allowed on the Tiltawhirl at the county fair? On the outside, Sabu set up a table on the guardrail, and threw Rey on it. Sabu then went for a triple jump splash through the table, but Rey dodged, nearly murdering Sabu in the process. Suicidal: Check. In the ring, Sabu slowly got up as Rey hit a Moonsault press for two. With Rey laid out over the second Rope, Sabu hit a guillotine leg drop. He cinched in a camel clutch, but Rey broke free.

The camel clutch reminds me of a fun little story. See, back when Muhammad Hassan was, you know, allowed to exist, he told Eddie Guerrero to stop using the Camel Clutch. This is disrespectful enough, but even more so because Eddie’s father had INVENTED the move. The moral of the story: *giggle*

Anywho. Arabian Facebuster gets two – and I ask you all a question: Where is “Arabia”? It’s like pulling up to a McDonalds drive thru and asking for “a large food”. Sabu sets up a table outside, but Rey dropkicks sabu on to the table, safely so it doesn’t break. Rey then lands a Seated Senton, through the table, in a pretty neat visual. Rey rolls Sabu back in, but it gets two. Jesus Christ, where was this Rey last year? Mistaken Identity, anyone?

Rey drops the dime for 2, and Sabu gains control after a neat springboard heel kick. Triple Jump Moonsault follows for a very near fall. The crowd is loving this shit, and they’re not the only one. Sabu missed the Atomic Arabian Facebuster, and it’s a good thing – the only atomic wrestling move allowed is the NUCLEAR PEDIGREE!!!1 Anywho, Sabu moves out of a seated position on a chair as Rey crotches himself. See, Rey can risk his testicles on PPV, because it’s not like there’s any damage that can be done to em.

With Rey on the outside, Sabu set up the table on the guard rail again. Rey got thrown on it, and Sabu went back in the ring to hit a NASTY triple jump DDT – amazing spot. Buuut, not wanting to job anyone out, the referee declares that neither man can go on.

Winner: No Contest

I’ve gotta say, that was a very unexpected surprise. Exciting stuff all the way through, and beat the hell out of any X-division ballerina-fest, until the shitty WWE-ized finish. The fans rightfully chant bullshit. Sabu refused medical help, but Rey, being a tiny little midget, got put on a little tiny stretcher and taken to a hospital in a Volkswagon bug ambulance. Or not.

Foley comes out, and has a mic. He admits he sold out - MSG. He said he loved ECW when it was owned by a genius - Stephanie McMahon. “Long Live The Alliance!” Even I laughed, and that’s worth something. (About 34 cents American) Foley introduces Edge & Lita to us, because, you know, we couldn’t figure it out for ourselves.

Edge claims we masturbate to pictures of Lita, and to him, I say, “y’ok.” Lita claims Dreamer is so poor in the sack that he’s the “innovator of silence”. Sorry Lita, but I think that’s just because you’ve got something in your ear. Oh look, it’s Fishman’s spunk. HA! BURN! YA!!!1

Dreamer & Funk come out with Beulah, and I immediately stop feeling sorry for Dreamer having to drink Taker’s chew. Beulah challenges Lita to make this a 3 on 3 match, so no man has to take a pinfall the fans get some hardcore action!!!1 Therefore, we get:

Tommy Dreamer, Terry Funk & Beulah McGuillicutty VS Edge, Mick Foley & Lita

From the outset, Dreamer dominates Edge, as I have no way to tie this to a Bobby Lashley/Farooq joke. Foley gets tagged in, and wants Funk. The fans want it too, so Funk gets in and slaps Foley around a little. Foley tries to retreat, but Funk takes him down on the outside. Edge & Dreamer follow suit, and Dreamer spits beer on Edge. ~ALCOHOL ABUSE! We get some WWE hardcore brawling, involving those DEADLY trash can lids and cookie sheets. As far as I know, the only baking I know of at an ECW event is when RVD.. well… you know.

Edge grabs a ladder, and props it up in the corner. Going for a spear on Dreamer into it, Tommy reversed to a nasty looking hip toss, right on the rungs. Funk does ye olde ladder windmill spot, and then props the ladder in the corner. Funk begins to climb, and I can’t believe how horrible of an idea this is. Of course, Edge dispatches dreamer and sends Funk flying off the ladder. He is survived by humanity – he was 144 eons old. Dreamer went for a DVD on Edge, but Lita gave him a low blow. (not this ) Foley & Edge then covered a piece of plywood with barbed wire, and this match is getting kinda nuts. Dreamer got slammed onto the board, and sickly got his ear caught in the wire. Funk regained control, and while Foley managed to stay out of the way of a whip into the board, he gets slammed into it, and is all tied up with it. Edge crotches Tommy on the guardrail, and Lita hands Foley some MORE barbed wire – hey, aren’t Lita and Beulah suppose to be fighting? Foley wraps the wire around his arm and hand, and gives Funk a fist drop. He’s grating the wire on his face to some “you sick fuck” chants. Are they chanting at Foley or Lita? Tee hee.

Anyways, Funk screams about his eye, and gets taken to the back. We now have a barbed wire BAT, and Tommy get spread eagled, with the bat on his crotch. Lita then lands a LEG DROP onto the bat. Not the first time she’s caused an outbreak of bloody sores on a man’s crotch, is it? Eh? Eh? The fans want Sandman, but I’d rather have a secure stock portfolio. What? Wise investing isn’t HARDCORE? Bleh.

Foley puts on Socko, and Beulah eats it. I’d say lets hope it isn’t Foley’s “special sock”, but hey, it IS Beulah after all. Dreamer breaks it up, but the Claw gets put on him while Edge spears him. They go to attack Beulah, but Funk is back with copious amounts of useless bandages and a barbed wire 2X4. Both Foley and Edge get nailed with it, and then Funk LIGHTS IT ON FIRE. Well, you can’t say they’re not trying.

Funk nails Foley with the flaming barbed wire 2X4 in the stomach, the back, and then off the apron, through the damned barbed wire board, as Foley is on fire. Sick, sick, sick, sick sick. Edge nails Funk from behind (hey, you never know) onto the remnants of the board. Dreamer DDT on Edge, and he starts choking Edge with freakin’ barbed wire. Lita comes for the save, But Beulah intercepts… which gives us Joey’s “CATFIIIIGHT” call. Dreamer picks up Lita, and nails the Spicolli Driver on her, but Edge gets up and lands the Edge-o-cution DDT, with barbed wire around Dreamer’s neck. Edge spears Beulah, and the pins her in missionary position. Beulah doing a job? Well I never!

Winners: Edge, Foley, and Lita.

Holy Christ on a stick. I haven’t seen that much barbed wire since I escaped from prison. The more you know! *shooting star*

The fans give Dreamer & Funk a standing ovation, as Funk wants to get cut out.

Backstage, Cena stares into the WWE Belt. He’s actually hypnotized by the little spinner, I’d say. Then someone walks in and tells him to walk into oncoming traffic, to which he marches off like Frankenstein and does. … Hey. It IS ECW, so it’s possible. RVD hops around, looking ready for tonight. I think he’s just excited because he’ll be getting paid tonight.

Balls Mahoney VS Masato Tanaka

Balls and Tanaka actually.. chain wrestle? When Rey Mysterio is putting people through tables, and Balls Mahoney is hitting arm drags, I wonder if I’m in Bizarro world. But then I realize that I’m still amazingly handsome, so it can’t be true.

Balls, Balls, Balls… BALLS! But enough about my looking at my groin, there’s wrestling going on. Tanaka sends Balls to the outside, and tries for a plancha, bu tBalls side steps and slams Tanaka down. He grabs a beer from the crowd, and slams it into Masato. I think I’ll rename my mouth “Masato” just so I’ll get liquored up for free. I’m a damned GENIUS!

Balls sends some chairs in the ring, and.. climbs.. the… turnbuckle? Tanaka meets him, and hits a rather large superplex for a long 2 count. The men have a good ol’ fashioned chair duel, and Balls wins it with a STIFF shot to the dome. He covers and gets the win. Hmm… after last year, when he was able to kick out of top rope power bombs, you’d think he could survive a chair shot. Funny that.

Winner: Balls Mahoney

I guess they’ll be pushing Balls as one of their top mid carders. Eh, there are worse things they could do... like go on the Sci-Fi Network…

Next, we’ve got.. Eugene? I’m hoping he’d dispatch the retard gimmick and instantly become an ECW hero, but he starts reading a poem about how much loves ECW, including saying he wants to go on a picnic with Sabu. Potato Salad? HE’S HARDCORE!

Fans chants “shut the fuck up”, and I wish this crowd would be in attendance during a Sharmell promo. This brings Sandman –but I sneer to uncontrollable lengths as it’s to some shit midi theme. Fucking hell Vince, pay up. ("Enter Jim Johnston. Exit Heat." – Sean Carless) It’s the only thing the guy is good for. Anywho, Sandman beats the piss out of Eugene, and celebrates. You know, only ECW or Canadian crowds encourage the destruction of retards. And that’s just talking about lonely Albertan farm families!

Rob Van Dam w/o Fonzie? VS John Cena w/ absolutely no fan support, WWE Championship

RVD is obviously massively over, so much so that the fans chant his name during Cena’s entrance – though, they do pause to boo the hell out of him. Cena tosses his shirt to the crowd, they throw it back. Somewhere in the back, Vince says “Hey! This isn’t a lumberjack match!”, laughs loudly, and the rest of the crew nervously laughs with him.

Almost immediately, a “Fuck You Cena” chant breaks out, toilet paper is thrown at him, and then they chant “Cena Swallows”. My god, I love this crowd. Cena lands a suplex, and the fans chant “you can’t wrestle”. RVD lands his reverse enziguri, and the two men go face to face. I haven’t seen a crowd this into a match since Rock/Hogan. RVD gets clotheslines to the outside, and the fans chant “same old shit”. Cena then goes to the top rope, and leaps to the outside with …a… double ax handle smash. Sorry to get your hopes up, there. Cena held up his title to the boos of many, but RVD came back with a spin kick and a moonsault press off the ring steps. Cena goes into full heel mode now, whipping RVD into the camera man and holding a “fuck john cena” sign in front of RVD as he pounds away on him. RVD comes back with some kicks and hangs Cena over the guard rail, and lands his spinning leg drop off the apron.

Mode RVD offence followed, including a slingshot leg drop from the inside, to the apron, with Cena laying on it. Corkscrew leg drop, and rolling thunder with a chair gets 2. RVD lays Cena down, and puts a chair over him. RVD goes for a split legged moonsault, but Cena makes sure Rob eats chair. (Rob Eats Chair? Sounds like a hilariously bad emo band.) Cena DDT’s RVD on the chair, and puts his legs on the ropes, but can’t get a 3 count. Give credit to Cena here – he’s managed to play the heel in this match after three years of playing the uber baby face. Cena puts a chair in the corner, and catapults RVD through it, for another 2. Protobomb follows, to another “same old shit” chant, which is kinda ironic. 5 Knuckle Shuffle follows, but RVD gets out of the FU with a spin kick. RVD begins his comeback, and heads to the top ropes, but Cena powerbombs him off, for 2. Cena gets ditched to the outside, and RVD puts a table in the ring, into the corner. However, Cena gets back in and latches in the STFU. Rob crawls, and makes it to the ropes, but Cena doesn’t break the hold. The ref forces the break, so Cena decks him. Ref bump? ECDUB! ECDUB!

Cena lands a big superplex, and goes to the outside to grab the steel steps, which he uses to level RVD with, but RVD still kicks out. The crowd is eating this up. Cena tries for an FU, but RVD hung on to the rope, so Cena pitched him outside. Some guy in a helmet runs into the ring (Eugene?) and Spears Cena through the table – It’s Edge. Fans chant “Thank You Edge”. That helmet is a little too apropos, for it’s pretty retarded of Edge to want to cost his company the title he’s the #1 contender for, but what do I know? I surely don’t have blond flowing locks.

RVD doesn’t see any of this, so he heads to the top rope and lands the 5 star. No ref, so Heyman runs in and counts the three!

Winner, and NEW WWE CHAMPION: Rob Van Dam

Post match, Heyman gives RVD the belt, and the entire ECW celebrates. No speech, but the show ends with RVD riding high (pun!) on somebody’s shoulders.

Show highlight: While I could say it’s the WWE having the balls to put the belt on RVD. It wasn’t clean, and will probably be contested somehow Also, Edge looked brilliant out there, playing to the crowd perfectly and Rey/Sabu was excellent, minus the no contest finish. However, the real highlight was the crowd – they made this PPV work. Without them, this show was average.

Show lowlight: Ugh. The nod probably goes to lack of Enter Sandman, but there’s a bunch of other stuff like Orton in general, the disputed finish in the main event, Masato Tanaka not stealing the show, and the sometimes too obvious WWE style match lay out.

Overall thoughts: Well, a hell of a lot better than a typical WWE offering. I’m a little disappointed, but that’s only because my expectations were so high due to last year’s event. Make no mistake about it – last year’s show was better. But, this show was still entertaining, to say the least. The RVD/Cena match was especially good. I still feel there was too much WWE influence, but hopefully that’ll wear off when there’s not Orton/Edge/Lita etc running amok, letting Paul do what he truly wants. Could it have been better? Yes. But, it could have been far, far worse. Thumbs up, but with hesitation.