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ECW
ONE NIGHT STAND 
2005
(06/12/05)
by Sean Carless

 

Hello all, I'm Sean Carless, and I'll be your party host for this Pay-per-view soirée aptly titled "One Night Stand". And it's apropos, because after tonight's sweet sweet love making with the temptress that is ECW, tomorrow, you'll have to wake up and be forced to go back to your ugly, boring wife, "The WWE", who refuses to ever give you what you want. Come on, WWE, is too much to ask for a little anal? 

 

Anyhoo, on the edition of "Extreme Heat" (a condition Edge no doubt now finds his genitals in) that aired prior to the show, ECW is hosted by the hardcore Icon himself, and a man who PERSONIFIES the fighting spirit of Extreme Championship Wrestling...Michael Cole!? Sweet Jesus. Thankfully, this obvious poor judgment ends when Heat goes off the air and the REAL show begins. And good thing, because I was like THIS close to putting myself through a table. Ok, I did that anyway because I'm completely inebriated and no longer have any of my bearings, but my point still stands, whatever that is.

 

Show opens, and holy shit, JOEY STYLES~! Or as my girlfriend said, "Why is Subway's Jared getting such a loud ovation?". I break up with her immediately. And crave a sandwich. In that order. The crowd gives Styles a standing O, followed by a "Joey" chant, as Styles looks emotional. Styles then introduces his broadcast partner, Cyrus, err, Joel Gertner, err, Mick Foley, who has apparently outgrown his sweet track pants and black t-shirt combo, which I thought was actually physically impossible. (one size fits all some?). Anyway, despite looking like he just got a free bowl a soup and a warm bed at the Mission, Foley joins Joey at the broadcast table and the show is underway!

 

"Lion Heart" Chris Jericho w/o Y2J Vs. Lance Storm w/ a very preggers Dawn Marie (Al Wilson's boys can swim!) & Justin Credible w/ a few hours off from Wal-Mart & Jason w/o explainable purpose for  employment.

 

Chris Jericho is announced tonight as "Lion Heart" and not "Y2J" as obviously *someone* finally figured out the latter is a silly name considering the Millennium was like 5 and a half fucking years ago.That'd be like Lou Thesz wrestling as something like the Great Depression (not to be confused with WWE 2002-2005) well into the 1950's. No? Well, the Industrial revolution, then? Come on! Something has to apply, damn it! Ok, I'll admit it. I'm very drunk. So disregard everything I just wrote. Except this. And this. And that. And this.

 

Anyway, a nice little match ensues here, with both former Thrill Seekers first feeling each other out to a very appreciative crowd. It must be nice for Lance. This is the first time he's wrestled for a WWE show where he wasn't chastised for being boring or having a huge penis. Something tells me he's not losing any sleep over the latter, though. Mostly because when all the blood relocates there, he simply passes out and goes into a coma.

 

Anyway, I always laughed at the prospect of Lance calling himself a thrill seeker, because one would think that'd entail having functioning human emotions. But what do I know. In a really cool spot (which elicits the night's first "Holy Shit" chant) Lance tries to springboard backwards off the top rope, but is caught by Jericho with a stiff dropkick to the back. The crowd then eventually starts chanting for the late (but let's face it, he's never coming) "Chris Candido"; who of course was a former partner/rival of Lance Storm. It's just then that I picture Sonny Siaki watching this show from a bar, then accidentally falling on the bartender and killing him with what should have been a routine paying of the tab. That's right.

 

From there, Lance gets to peel off some of trademark spots including the rolling half crab (Which I actually caught off a bus station toilet seat once) followed by a two count off a great superkick. Lance then goes for the cradle PILEDRIVER (you know the move NO ONE IN THE WWE CAN EVER USE BECAUSE IT'S SUPER DANGEROUS AND STUFF... NOT LIKE FALLING OFF LADDERS THOUGH, WHICH IS PERFECTLY SAFE!!!!), however, Jericho back body drops Lance out, and maneuvers Lance into the Walls from what looked like a Texas Cloverleaf initially. Dawn Marie then gets up the apron distracting Jericho and the referee by dropping her placenta on the ring apron (or not) and allowing Justin Credible to cane Jericho in the face, (he usually just uses it these days to place those giant mason jars of pickles on the high shelves) which of course allows Lance to pick up the win. After the match, The Impact Players, Jason (who to this day I still have no idea what his actual fucking purpose is) and Dawn celebrate. Dawn then gets the fuck out of there before Snitsky gets to the building.

 

Winner: Lance Storm, who can now go back reading and having a huge penis without all this "hardcore business" weighing on his mind.

/5

 

-Backstage, "Pitbull by default" Gary Wolfe puts over those former ECW stars who have since passed away, in a video piece called "ECW Remembers" (followed by the phrase "unless it's pay day" ....  haha, I kid.) Anyway, the tributes include Chris Candido, Rocco Rock, Terry Gordy, The Sheik, Mike Lozansky, Anthony "Pitbull" Durante, Mike Lockwood (Crash Holly) and Big Dick Dudley.  I then look over to my friend Jay and ask him if in honor of his WCW stint, if he thought Rocco's casket was "pre-cut". A virtual wild west tumble weed of reaction follows suit. Well, I thought it was funny.

 

Three Way Dance: Tajiri w/ Mikey Whipwreck & The Sinister Minister Vs. Little Guido w/ FBI members Tracey Smothers, J.T. Smith,Tony Mamaluke and Big Guido; Vs. Super Crazy with a haircut that proves that he's indeed deserving of the name the "Insane Luchador".

 

Joey Styles makes sure to point out that "Three Way Dances" differ from WWE’s Triple-Threat matches, in that they're not stupid and the match can only end after 2 men are eliminated instead of WWE's standard guy lying on the floor for upwards of ten minutes at a time selling shit he'd shrug off in a normal match because, for whatever reason, adding that ubiquitous 3rd douchebag in there causes everyone to become very brittle and turn into a pussy. Of course, I'm just paraphrasing here...

 

Anyway, this match was very good like the previous Jericho/Lance encounter, but much like that match, this too was criminally short. Or suspected criminally short in honor of some previous gimmicks here. Anyway, the match is underway and already Guido's entourage is getting involved as they trip Crazy from the outside. Crazy then responds by fighting his way to the balcony, and crushing the FBI faction with a HUGE moonsault, to elicit a much deserving "Holy Shit!" chant from the crowd. Back inside, Mikey gets involved and sets up a spaghetti-legged Guido (HIYO) on the top rope, and hits a "Whippersnapper" (stunner basically) allowing Tajiri to pin and eliminate Guido. YAKUZA defeats standard MOB here. Hey, did you forget that in the last 2 years, both these guys were in gimmicks that alluded to mob ties? Why they chose to, I don't know, kick and fucking armbar people instead of shooting them, jointing them in the basement of a butcher shop, then toss bowling ball bags full of body parts off piers is anyone's guess.

 

Anyway, this leaves just Super Crazy and Regular Tajiri to finish the match; which is ultimately won by Crazy when he ducked an attempted buzz-saw kick by Tajiri, powerbombed him, and delivered his patented Triple moonsault (He hits three consecutive moonsaults bouncing off each rope in order) for the pin. I heard this how he got into the country in the first place. Who needs a work visa when you can just somersault right over the Border Patrol. AMIRITE.

 

Winner: Super Crazy. His  brothers Kinda Crazy and Very Crazy would be SO proud. Not his brother, Completely Sane, though. He's always been the black sheep of the family.

/5

 

-We get a nostalgia video of ECW including Shane Douglas's infamous post NWA Title winning speech that birthed the ECW we now knew and loved and then turned a blind eye to every Friday night when they wasted 20 minutes of TNN time doing skits with the fucking Musketeer and the Prodigette.  Surprisingly enough, though, the name "Ric Flair" is edited out of Shane's diatribe against former NWA champions. Hmm, I wonder why that is? It's not like Flair has friends-uh in high-uh places-uh or anything-uh.

 

Rey Mysterio w/Junior! Vs. Psicosis w/  a big giant ugly fucking face. (Trust me.).

 

Hey! Continuity! Rey is "Junior" again for tonight! Joey Styles then explains that it was Rey Mysterio Sr. who allowed Rey to adopt his name (true), and then gave the okay for him to drop the "Junior" part eventually (umm, not true. That was likely Vince who probably said something to the effect of "Who the fuck is Rey Mysterio Senior?"). Anyway, Psicosis decides to wrestle with the mask OFF tonight, which the crowd (after the unmasking) begins chanting "put the mask on!" Man, I love ECW crowds. And you know what? They're absolutely right. There was a reason someone put this dude under a hood in the first place. His face looks like it's giving birth to fucking El Gigante.

 

Anyway, the match is now underway, and it's good, but not great. For some odd reason both these guys can't seem to get on the same page, and it's a shame considering how amazing their initial series was in 1995. My guess is that it was because of the 'WWE-style" now burned into Rey's tiny little soul with all his 619s and dropping of Dimes (that Paul Heyman will no doubt run in and pick up!). Anyway, one really cool spot see Psicosis hit a HUGE guillotine as called by Styles off the top rope as Rey lay strewn across the barricade. Guillotine, huh? It's no wonder France discontinued this form of capital punishment. It must've been a real bitch keeping people bent over so Mexicans could leg drop them.

Meanwhile, back inside, Rey rallies and hits the 619 (which gets boo'd BADLY) then finishes with the tiny flying cock of death (West Coat Pop).

 

Winner: Rey Mysterio Jr! The only dude on earth who can get tattoos over 2/3rds of his body, but get carded at a PG-13 movie.

/5

 

-Hey, remember when I wondered why the first three matches were all under ten minutes? Well, here's your reason: THE SMACKDOWN SUPERSTARS led by JBL and Kurt Angle ARRIVE~! EC-DUB!

 

- A brief video airs of more ECW action interspersed with a stuttering Bubba Dudley trying to spit out "Let's get ready to rumble." The part where they show Paul Heyman in a nose, mustache and glasses disguise sneaking out the back of the ECW Arena with unsigned checks is strangely edited from the vignette.

 

-Back to the SmackDown stars, 'cause let's face it, it's not like we just wanted to watch ECW matches or anything. THIS SHOW NEEDS MORE SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT!!!!! Anyway, as they sit down, the fans are hurling some F-bombs, but they're actually MUTED. What the fuck?! Censoring? Hey, I'm not completely against censorship, (where are the red X's when Ric Flair takes off his robe?) but let's use it when it's actually warranted. Like say minute 26 of tomorrow night's opening HHH promo.

 

Anyway, with the SmackDown stars now sitting down, Joel Gertner tries to come out and cut his trademark dirty limerick, but JBL grabs his microphone and kicks him in the ass. Be thankful that's all he did with it, Joel. The fact that Joel looks like he hasn't showered since the last ECW PPV, might have saved his life here. Or at least his asshole.  Kurt Angle and JBL then each cut a promo that seems to go on and ON. Hey, I like JBL and Kurt and everything, but didn't we establish their reasons for hating ECW already? Gotta love WWE. So far tonight, the only thing being needlessly beaten over the head here is us. WE GET IT. THEY HATE ECW. JBL then continues his promo referring to the Hammerstein Ballroom as a "Bingo Hall", as the crowd chants "Fuck SmackDown!" and "You suck Dick!" at JBL (Well, in his defense, he's actually too busy soaping their asses to ever have time to get that far), and finally "Shut the fuck up!". JBL then basically says that he's sold out Madison Square Garden, and all ECW has is guys who can only hit each other with weapons. Hmmm, Thank God JBL's ONLY good matches in the last year didn't involve him getting hit with objects and bleeding a lot or that'd be a little awkward....

 

Anyway, RVD's entrance cues, and he's accompanied by Bill Alfonso~! YES. I love Fonzy. Only Heyman would take a guy who's voice already sounded like he was trying to push a sequoia through his asshole, and give him whistle to make him EVEN MORE ANNOYING . RVD then cuts a career best promo, burying the office and creative, likely under a mountain of Cheetoes & Funyon wrappers.  He states that tonight you'll hear a vocabulary from him that differs from just "cool" and "whatever." He'll add, "man", and maybe "rad" as well. Or not. HE SMOKES POT~!

 

He then says basically that WWE has handcuffed his style and that in ECW he was allowed to get over because ECW gave its fans what they wanted and not the EXACT SAME FACES every week. I must've missed the part where Justin Credible wore a bunch of disguises in 2000! Ah, I kid. 

 

From there Rob states that it was his idea for this show and put over Vince for allowing it. Right then Rhyno runs in and GORES Van Dam, having obviously recently moved up from destroying potted plants to pot-heads....

 

The lights then go out, and it's SABU! And here I thought Paul just spent the Hydro bill money on a one way ticket LA. ROLLERBALL 2 AIN'T JUST GONNA FILM ITSELF, PEOPLE! Ahem. Anyway, the crowd anticipated 'Bu, but still popped like a motherfucker anyway.

 

In classic ECW fashion, this of course leads to a match....

 

The Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal Sabu Vs. the previously suicidal Rhyno...

 

The match starts out with a CLASSY chant of "you got fired!" at Rhyno by the crowd. For the record, Rhyno and Sabu looked SHARP here and were spot on. I think it's because Rhyno pictured Sabu wearing a giant Faberge egg or something and just followed his natural inclinations.

 

Anyway, this was the first match this night in my opinion that clearly embodied the true spirit of ECW as it was just CHAOS. First high spot by Sabu saw him use a chair to springboard off, where he landed on the top rope and dove onto Rhyno on the floor. Back inside, Sabu ends up getting an impressive top rope frankensteiner on Rhyno, then sandwiched Rhyno with a running corner heel kick/splash. Rhyno however rallies and Irish whips Sabu into a chair, and looks for the gore, but Sabu moves and the referee eats it. Anyway, after a Rhyno PILEDRIVER (I guess it's ok when the office doesn't care if you die with it) RVD comes in for the save, and tosses a chair in Rhyno's face, then skate boards said chair into Rhyno's head as he lay in the corner. I THOUGHT POACHING WAS ILLEGAL~! SAVE THE RHYNOS! THE HYPPOS ARE NEXT! With a new referee now out, Sabu & RVD set up a table, put Rhyno on it, and Sabu finishes with the Arabian Faccecrusher for the win. Note to self; never piss off an Arab, lest I'm prepared to have my face crushed.

 

Winner: Sabu~! Who might want to axe that whole "genocide" thing from his catchphrase, before Bush invades Bombay...Michigan. Just a warning.

/5

 

-Al Snow and Head are briefly seen backstage. He claims no one came here to see, and I quote, a bunch of SmackDown assholes. Huh. I heard this was originally the tagline the CW Network was going to use but had second thoughts. Good thinking.

 

Anyway, this segues to another ECW nostalgia package.

 

-Team RAW comes out led by Eric Bischoff and Edge. Styles gets a zinger on Edge with "I'm glad I didn't bring my wife tonight!". Did I mention how much Joey Styles RULES, and in only 3 hours he has eclipsed EVERYTHING WWE's shitty homegrown manufactured dickheads like Coach and Cole have done in 9 years with the company? Well, I am now.

 

Joel Gertner comes out again, then begs Eric for a job, but Eric refuses! Hey, isn't this a dude who once hired the entire No Limit Soldiers and Master P for MILLIONS? What, there's no room for Gertner on resume that includes the fucking Kiss Demon? Holy shit. Bischoff then cuts his own Anti-ECW promo, but the fans are getting restless. Maybe because THEY GET THE FUCKING POINT. Vince should have just hammered the point home by making them wear t-shirts that say "Bad guys". You know, for the benefit of those people who have 5 first names, are retarded or are in WWE Creative.

 

Chris Benoit Vs. Eddie Guerrero;

 

You know, it's funny, but who'd ever think that Benoit and Guerrero would be the guys to endorse unadulterated violence and mayhem, while people like Snitsky & and fucking Tyson Tomko are the one's who stand up for the art of "pure wrestling"? That's hilarious.

 

Snitsky: You ECW guys need to stop all this senseless brutality, unless you're pregnant, and learn to love and embrace the art-form that is PURE catch-as-catch-can wrestling!

 

Tomko: Hey, Snit, don't we just basically kick people for a living?

 

Snitsky: Shhhhh.

 

Anyway, this will be our obligatory respect match, wrestled under "Japanese Strong-style", which for the record always sounded like a type of porn to me which you'll find it sandwiched between Bukkake and bondage. It features lots of hard striking, deadly suplexes and raping teenaged girls with tentacles. It's something. Anyway, Eddie and Benoit have a good match, but the crowd seems more interested in insulting Edge, who's sitting in the balcony with a "She's (Lita) got Herpes!" chant. Silly, ECW fans. It's She HAS Herpes. These people obviously never went to school. Taken personally by Ric Flair. However, as far as this chant goes, I picture a bead of worried sweat rolling down the foreheads of Super Crazy & Psciosis, who then frantically get onto the horn to warn half of Mexico about Lita's predicament. It's their duty. Millions of lives are at stake~!

 

In any event, out of all the matches scheduled tonight, this probably had the highest expectations, however, for whatever reason, Eddie seemed a little unmotivated. Way to keep that unfair racial stereotype alive, Eddie! You just watch him roll those hips the day the checks come out though! Ahem.

 

 So, ya, the match suffered somewhat. Anyway, the big spot in this one is two separate superplex spots. Hey, here's a question, is there such thing as a "plex"? And what makes this super? If there's no plex to compare it to, what makes this so special? And why am I talking about this? Because you can't really make fun of Chris Benoit & Eddie's wrestling because they're the best on Earth and I need something dumb to kill time? Maybe. Eddie then goes up top, but whiffs on the frogsplash. There's no water in the pool~! ...Which someone of his nationality just cleaned for unfair wages! Benoit then gets the crossface and Eddie taps out. There is sadly no post match congratulatory hug, however. I blame this on the fact that it's physically impossible for Chris to do this due to the tragic length of his arms. Poor guy. A sad State of Genetics (not Alabama) have prevented a show of good sportsmanship and the ability to tie shoes without help.

 

Winner: Chris Benoit.

/5

 

Mike Awesome Vs. Masato Tanaka

 

YES! I always LOVED this feud and this match DELIVERED. It was like watching a video of fucking "Bum Fights" as two guys with nothing on the horizon and NOTHING to lose totally rip shit up and kill each other. Sadly, Mike & Masato didn't get a warm bed and some tattered 1970's Adidas pants for their troubles here. And the best part is you could tell WWE bookers had ZERO to do with match, because no logically thinking human being would allow (and plan) these type of insane spots.

 

Anyway, Joey Styles buries Awesome for "selling out" to WCW in 2000, citing that he wished Awesome's suicide dive "got the job done".

 

[Sean's edit from 2008: IRONY~! It's not just what iron tastes like!].

 

 From there, Awesome sets up a table, propped between the ring and the barricade, and delivers an AWESOME BOMB off the apron to Tanaka through the table! Just sick shit as Tanaka folds upon impact looking like he broke his neck.

 

Back inside, Awesome has a chair and CRUSHES Tanaka with a series of brutal shots...in which Tanaka no sells! Tanaka then gets the advantage and hits his patented Diamond-dust (think a modified inverted-tornado-DDT from the corner into a stunner) but Awesome is still alive, so Tanaka delivers a standard tornado DDT- onto a chair, but this only gets a two! Tanaka then resorts to putting a chair over Awesome's face, and delivering a sort of "one man conchairto." From there, Awesome gains the advantage, and climbs to the top rope and kills Tanaka DEAD with a flying chair shot. (think a regular chair shot...only LEAPING off the top rope.). From there, he gets a table, and is looking for a superplex, but Tanaka somehow counters that into a TOP ROPE TORNADO DDT through the table, but amazingly, Awesome kicks out at two! With both men staggered, Tanaka attempts to climb up to the top rope once more, but is met by Awesome, who then POWERBOMBS Tanaka off the top THROUGH the same busted table shards, almost impaling Tanaka on the leg!...and STILL can't get a three count! Meanwhile, in the ensuing chaos, Foley and Styles makes fun of Awesome's WCW gimmicks, including the "Fat chick thriller" (See, I told you HHH wasn't the only one out there!). Anyway, Awesome finally goes for the kill (and I mean almost literally) as he Awesome-bombs Tanaka from the ring, through the table on the floor, and immediately follows that up with a crushing suicide dive (attempted suicide dive? He is after all still alive) as the Referee finally counts the pin. TWF's Jason Hart then looks over at me and says "Hey, since when was this a Falls Count Anywhere match?" to which I replied "It's ECW." You'll find that answer covers just about everything. Especially why you're feeding your family with Food Stamps instead of getting a regular check. This is the last ECW joke, I swear. I think.

 

Winner: Mike Awesome. You can fuck as many overweight girls as you want, buddy. You earned it. (Special tip of the  giant Raiden hat to Tanaka as well here, who had no problem dying for our sins tonight.).

/5

 

-An emotional Paul Heyman comes out in full cap and leather trench coat. He hilariously states that his eyes look red, not because he was crying, but because he just smoked a joint with Rob Van Dam backstage. From there, the crowd almost immediately breaks into a chant of "Thank You, Paul!"…that’s clearly reminiscent of all those "Thank You, Vince" chants not  bounding through WWE arenas across the country.

 

Almost immediately from there, Heyman goes into full "shoot" mode and first buries Edge, saying that he's got two words for him "Matt friggin' Hardy". Okay, that was THREE words. But hey, whatever; Paul was never really that good with numbers. I lied about no more jokes. From there, he switches gears to Bradshaw and states the only reason JBL was WWE champion was because "HHH doesn't want to work Tuesdays.". And job Monday through Sunday. Or maybe just the first part.

 

- At this point my PPV cuts out and the Viewer's choice screen appears, as Jason and I prepare ourselves to go down to the Cable company and exact a little "Hardcore retribution" of our own; and by that, I mean BEG that they have mercy on us and to please immediately re-connect the PPV feed. Anyway, it turns out it was just a break to promote Rob Zombie's latest movie about... someone being trapped somewhere.. and umm, dying. That's what all his movies are about, aren't they?

 

Those Damn Dudleys w/ glasses and tie dye Vs. Tommy Dreamer & The Sandman w/ a liver the size of a sun-dried raisin.

 

Tommy comes out to a Jimmy Hart-esque digitized midi-file of Alice in Chains' "Man in the box", but Sandman gets FUCKING 'ENTER SANDMAN'!  Color me orgasamed. Anyway, Sandman gets his FULL entrance including pouring beer onto the T-shirt of former ECW valet Elektra at ringside, who for the record was the only woman in wrestling history who actually made Terri Runnels seem like she had natural breasts in comparison. Not that I'm complaining. Even if Elektra's tits have less movement than the pectorals of my 1982 He-Man.

 

Anyway, this match was our ECW clustershmazz of the night and I loved every minute of it. First, the bWo (Blue World order) comes out. The bWo are comprised of Stevie "Big Stevie Cool" Richards, Blue Meanie (Da Blue Guy) and Hollywood Nova (aka Simon Dean.) Anyway, Stevie grabs the stick and states "we're taking over!" but I'm more focused on Blue Meanie, who appears to have put back on EVERY pound he lost while dating porn star Jasmine "Boy, that's a lot of COCKS!" St. Claire. It looks like he may have drowned his break-up sorrows in a few (hundred) bowls of ice cream since then, you know, while Jasmine drowns hers in other vile liquids too horrible to be mentioned here. In a row~!

 

Anyway, the brawl is ON, and here comes Kid Kash, followed by Balls Mahoney and Axl Rotten. In the chaos, Kash gets a HUGE springboard senton that bowls over everyone on the floor. From there, with the interference (well, for now) out of the way, the match gets underway. The Dudleys break out the old Greco-Roman cheese-grater right away, and Tommy does color something fierce. Eventually, the grater gets turned on the Dudleys, however. From there, Sandman and Dreamer bring a ladder into the ring and Dreamer does the old Terry Funk windmill spot taking out both Dudleys. The Impact Players (Lance Storm and Justin Credible) then run out and break up the match as Dreamer and Sandman each had a figure four on a Dudley. Justin then hits the "That's Incredible" tombstone piledriver on Sandman directly onto a pile of barb wire. Francine (another un-announced surprise) runs in and kicks Dreamer low, but Dreamer's real life squeeze, Beulah McGillicutty runs in, ducks an Impact player charge (allowing Lance to take out Justin) and a cat fight (CAT FIGHTTTT! CAT FIGHTTT! CATFIGHTTT! as called Mr. Styles) ensues between the two women. Mr. and Mrs. Dreamer then hit a stereo DDT on the Dudleys and both try to cover, but it's only a two count. The crowd then began to chant "She's Hardcore!" to Beulah, and you know what, they're right. And I have the Penthouse spread to prove it. It's just one big thick page now, but I still have it, damn it.

 

Anyway, from there, Dreamer sets up a chair on D-Von's crotch and hits a hard shot into the chair as Joey rattles off the call of the night with "He just crushed his BALLS!". As god as my witness, his balls are broken in half. Anyway, The Dudleys regain the advantage by putting Sandman through a table and hitting a 3D on Dreamer. Right then, Little Spike Dudley runs in, and hands off some lighting fluid to Bubba, and the Dudleys light a table on fire and powerbomb Dreamer through it in a brutal visual. I think fucking Anakin Skywalker got off lighter than poor Tommy here. And somehow, I don't think Heyman's going to be whisking him back to Coruscant for repairs anytime soon...

 

Darth Tommy: "Where is Beulah? Is she Ok. Is she All right?

 

Heyman: "Umm, Ya, about that. In your anger, I'm afraid you killed her."

 

Darth Tommy: "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"

 

Heyman: "I'm just messing with ya. She's just fucking Raven."

 

Darth Tommy: "Dude, that's way worse..."

 

The Dudleys get the academic victory from there. Literally. Bubba recites the entire periodic table while D-Von goes over this week's spelling words. Or not. Dudleys prevail. And I feel bad for Dreamer. Until I remember that he gets to slip the old "kendo stick" to Beulah any time he wants. I feel a little bit better after that.

 

Winners: The Dudley Boyz.

/5

 

-After the match, the Dudleys look to finish the job they started on Beulah in the 90's (They "broke" her neck off a 3D causing her retirement) but Sandman makes the save with the Singapore Cane. Sandman then goes to check on the tragically burned Tommy Dreamer, and automatically yells for a beer. Man, I can only hope for the same compassion from my best friend when I have tragic burns over 2/3rds of my body.....

 

Anyway, at the mention of "beer", STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN's music hits, and he comes out and declares he wants to have beer bash. But first, he demands the RAW and SmackDown guys come down and face the ECW locker room. Hey! Why is it every time Vince feels there's a fledgling brand that "can't get over enough on its own"…he makes Steve Austin their leader? Anyway, the WWE guys reluctantly come down and the shit is on! In the chaos, TAZ (no extra Z) comes down to  his original "War Machine" theme and ends up choking Angle out on the floor while the rest of ECW guys dump the WWE guys out of the ring. In the ensuing chaos, Bischoff has made his way to broadcast booth, and Styles hilariously shoots on him, stating that he (Bischoff) was the worst announcer EVER when he called WCW Nitro, and the only reason he'd ever be in that position is because he ran the company. Obviously, Joey never heard Steve McMichael. Anyway, Austin, back on the mic, demands that Foley bring Eric to the ring (as the WWE guys run away) and then Austin calls for a 3D by the Dudleys on Eric, followed by a Benoit flying-headbutt, and a 619 by Rey (which gets Boo'd again) and Austin finally lays in the stunner (much like he used to in the ECW arena back in the day.... Hey, what do you mean he never did that? Not Ever? Then why...err, never mind.) Austin's theme then hits (saywhatinthefucknow?) and everyone celebrates with beer, as Austin's theme segues into Drowning Pool's "Let the bodies hit the floor!"... for which Vince is obviously going to get as much fucking mileage out of as he can FOREVER.

 

The show goes off the air as Joey Styles passionately yells out "ECW LIVES~!!!!".

 

End show.

 

Final Thoughts: Easily the BEST Pay-per-view of the last 4 years, with NOT ONE bad match. It'll be somewhat depressing next month when we're back to the same homogenized cookie-cutter douche bags like Mark Jindrak stinking up the joint. But at least we'll always have this night..

 

 That said, this PPV clearly delivered on every level, but, in my opinion, it would have been even BETTER had not so much focus been made on the WWE Invasion aspect of it. However, I completely understand why they did do it. (Nothing wrong with trying to appeal to both the hardcore and casual markets.) My only real problems was the time given to the WWE promos (they had clearly made their intentions known on RAW and SmackDown leading up to the show) and the time would have probably been better served being given to the first 3 matches (at least in my opinion). Also, I kind of felt funny about Steve Austin being kind of the final focal point at the end of the show. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Stone Cold, but personally, I feel as if Taz would have been better suited to that role, when you consider that Austin just basically passed through ECW briefly, and was hardly an icon there. But hey, that's just me. But then again, a big part of ECW was beating the shit out of women, so who better to cover that unrepresented charge here than Ol' Stone Cold? And yes, that's how we're going out here. THUMBS UP~!

 

I'm Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, Wrestlecrap, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).