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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(October 2008 Archives.)

October 07, 2008
October 14, 2008
October 21, 2008
October 28, 2008




Aw, you missed me already? You’re so sweet. 


Well, no notice for Sean that I have the night off, so this workhorse is getting dragged back out for one more go-around.  Dear everybody:  Fuck you.  Oh, I’m only kidding.  You know I love entertaining/torturing my audience with my weekly reports!  Maybe I can do Impact and Smackdown this week too?  Dear Lord I’m kidding.  Let’s get this show on the road!



Still standing here in…who cares.  Let’s say Seattle again!  First off, let me say it really sucks that Matt Striker has to come back only like a couple days after his dad died.  So, his night is already ruined.  And to ruin MY night IMMEDIATELY…


Finlay w/ Hornswoggle and Tommy Dreamer Vs. Mike Knox and Jack Swagger


Sigh…solving the “No Midget” problem as soon as you fucking can, eh guys?


Finlay and Knox start out, with Knox getting slingshotted immediately into the ropes.  Also, dear LORD Jack is glowing orange.  What is it with these guys and spray tan?  Can’t be addicted to steroids so you have to hit Hollywood Tans?  Finlay tags in Tommy Dreamer, and because it’s Tommy Dreamer, he immediately gets schooled by Knox.  Though, to his credit, it took Swagger with the distraction to get it started.  So, Tommy has a scapegoat for his ineptitude!  Yay!


Back from a commercial, Knox has a big time chinlock on Dreamer, and now it’s time for Dreamer to battle out!  Or not.  Vertical Suplex stopped that shit cold.  Tag to Swagger sees him wrench Tommy’s neck, and now it’s time for Dreamer to battle out!  Or not.  Dreamer got body slammed.  Though, finally, he’s able to make the time to Finlay, and he runs wild on Knox, as Striker raves with a decided hint of RAGE in his voice.  Of course, what is going to happen?  Only what’s happened in every match Finlay’s had for the past six months.  Things break down, ref gets distracted, and Hornswoggle slips Finlay the stick, which scores on Knox for the victory.


Winner:  Finlay and Tommy Dreamer


What Stood Out:  Who takes Dreamer seriously as a competitor anymore?  Not me, that’s for damn sure.  Also, maybe Finlay could…I don’t know…win clean every once in a while?  Eddie Guerrero, you are not.  Pretty sure Irish and Mexico aren’t too close to each other too.


After the bell, time to share a jig!  Kill me.



Backstage, Generic Blonde Tiffany is dressed as a devil with Teddy Long dressed as Blacula.  Also, Striker lets out a very subdued “Oh God” in the sense that you think he’s about to make a mess in his pants under the desk.  Jamie Noble comes in to ask for some candy (promotion on Sci-Fi for Halloween)…and maybe a pair of melons too. Least that’s what I would do.  Mark Henry then bursts in demanding Matt Hardy again, while disrespecting Noble.  Jamie doesn’t play that shit in front of hot bitches, so a match gets made immediately between the two.  Pretty good stuff, all things considered.



Know what’s not quite as good?  Guess who’s coming back – The Boogeyman.  Boy, can’t wait to see that mat technician in action!



Back from break, a quick run-down of the matches already booked for Cyber Sunday.  I text HONKY all the time.  Difference is I’m texting it to my parents.


Mark Henry Vs. Jamie Noble


Jamie is criminally underrated, both in and outside the ring.  Of course, he’s also criminally under-heighted.  Yes, that’s a word.  I looked it up.


Noble tries to go toe-to-toe with Henry from the start, but the BLACKNESS is too much, and Noble spends the next few minutes getting tossed all over the place.  VERY slow offense here, and Noble sells like a motherfucker.  One missed avalanche gives Jamie Noble a few seconds of offense, but one clothesline later and that’s over.  Noble gets a few more punches in when he gets sat on the top rope, but crossbodies right into a World’s Strongest Slam for the pin.


Winner:  Mark Henry


What Stood Out:  All Jamie wants is some pussy.  Can’t someone give it to him?


Henry gives Noble two more World’s Strongest Slams until OHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH~! Matt Hardy comes out, to go off on Henry, but when Atlas tries to interfere (and gets a Twist of Fate for his trouble), Hardy gets a World’s Strongest Slam as well, along with a WARRIAH splash.  This gets a hell of a lot of heat, assuming this show wasn’t taped.  Kudos to you, World’s 16th Strongest Man.



Recap of Raw from last night, focusing on the rise of John Batista.  No need to comment on this, because an incredibly hilarious and good-looking man recapped this perfectly last night.  How the fuck can I top that guy?  He’s just too good!  OK, I’ll make one comment.  Adamle was certainly emotional last night.  Considering he usually is too focused on getting his lines right to put any thought into charisma, it was a nice change of pace.  Also, Striker tacked on a Stone Cold impression at the end of this video, which was pretty damn good.



CM Punk, Evan Bourne, Ricky Ortiz, and Kofi Kingston Vs. John Morrison, The Miz, Ted Dibiase, Jr., and Cody Rhodes


Striker gets a rare screw-up on his history, saying how Morrison beat Punk at Backlash ’07 to get the ECW Championship.  Not quite, Matt.  Chris NAME DELTED BY WWE AND THIS JOKE NEVER GOT OLD says hi.  Though, considering what happened around that, wiping your memory of that guy is pretty forgivable.


This is going to be a bitch to recap, to be sure.  Bourne, Punk, and Ortiz take turns making the heels look like shit as the match starts.  Once Bourne gets tagged in to face Morrison, things break down a bit, with Ortiz and Kingston hitting a nice stereo dropkick to help clear the ring.  Faces get the crowd pumped as we go to commercials.


Aside:  How perfect is the tandem of Kofi and Ricky?  Don’t tell me that if you saw those two walking down the street that you’d think they were heading to their apartment to light one up.  Plus their first names rhyme!  MAKE THIS HAPPEN WWE.


Back from break, Evan’s in trouble as Mini Big Show (Manu) tossed Bourne into the barricade.  Ted’s in now, and hits a nice clothesline for two.  Miz and Morrison then double-team on Evan, scoring a two, along with showing why they should be tag champs, especially over the Green Team.  What’s the last double-team maneuver they did?  Really?  Cody’s in now, as Striker drops some Medical humor, as Rhodes is CIALIS-LIKE.  Oooookay.  Evan almost gets the hot tag to CM Punk (who has been getting random cheers the whole match), but the heels cut him off.  He gets it anyway, and Punk runs wild on everyone, but mainly on Morrison.  Things break down, with Ortiz and Kingston taking turns launching themselves over the top rope onto Miz and Rhodes.  Kofi’s was MUCH better.  Morrison and CM are alone in the ring, which leads to a Pepsi One, bulldog, and a GTS attempt.  Manu distracts, Dibiase attacks, and Morrison hits the Moonlight Drive for the 123.


Winner:  John Morrison, The Miz, Ted Dibiase Jr., and Cody Rhodes


What Stood Out:  Fantastic match, even if it was a bit by the numbers.  Looks like Ricky Ortiz is adding a few moves to his set as well. He’s getting ever so slightly better, but he’s still got a long way to go.  Good thing everybody else in the match more than made up for his awfulness.


And, once again, NO OVERRUN FOR YOU.  THE END.



Uppers:  Hmmm.  The main event was pretty good, with everyone doing their part to make the crowd entertained.  Speaking of the crowd, they were really on tonight.  Why, I’m not sure.  However, they were popping quite readily for everything WWE was throwing out there.  Oh, and GBT in the devil costume was pretty bangtastic.  I’m such a classy individual.


Downers:  Oh boy, where to start.  I assume Sci-Fi put a ban on overrun in the new timeslot, because they don’t waste one second getting their asses off the screen at 10.  This is a problem, because not only is the show a hell of a lot shorter feeling, we only got 3 matches tonight.  One was like 5 minutes, and the other two were like 10 minutes.  I figure WWE doesn’t know how to schedule without overrun, and the show suffers a little bit.  ECW needs to get some flow, so I can effectively be the tampon that’s on the receiving end.  Boy do I feel red in the face for saying that.  Har har.


Overall:  Outside of the Main Event (which was the focal point of ads last night on Raw), this show sucked.  Yes, I need to see Henry Vs. Hardy AGAIN.  At least with Morrison and Punk’s infinite series, you were getting matches between two good workers.  Henry’s been around for more than a decade and he’s improved HOW?  By sweating more when he does nothing? Holy shit.



OK, sorry for this one being a little on the short side, but I’m completely tapped out now.  I’m Neil McGilloway, and that was your ECW report.  PLEASE let me have the rest of the week off. 





My name, is Nizeil.  Wizelcome tizo thize izECW Rizeport.  Thizere’s nizo wizay this gizimmick wizill gizet izold izimmediately.  My name, is Nizeil.


Dear Lord, who thought THAT was a good idea?  Moving on, boy am I glad I got called on to recap Raw LAST WEEK, because damn if that wasn’t one of the most horrifying shows I’ve seen in recent memory.  Where to start, where to start:


-         How many times can you say “A Shawn Michaels match almost put me to sleep?”  Well, I can say I added one to my list last night.

-         Holy shit, how old is Johnny Knoxville?  Dude looked like he had all gray hair.  Also, that body slam was not Beth’s fault, that’s for sure.

-         Boogeyman does score some points with me for clotheslining the hell out of Chris Pontius.  That one, in particular, has annoyed me from day one.  Shame Big Dick Johnson didn’t get the same treatment.  Would’ve warmed my heart.

-         A lot of people were saying how Johnny Knoxville sold the Khali slam well.  Uh, no he didn’t.  If you look at the replay, after he splattered on the canvas, he tilted his head up, looked around, then slowly looked as if he was hit with sleep gas.  Still better than that meth-head Steve-O.

-         So, uh, how about that Kids Initiative?  Kids love grown men in thongs.  Fuck man, thought you knew that.  What the hell is wrong with you?



Whew.  Sorry, Cameron. Well, on the bright side, Phillies are almost in the World Series!  Yay Philadelphia teams not sucking!  Shame they’ll just lose to the American League anyway!  Let’s get to it!



Still standing here in Vegas, baby!  Someone get me a drink and some hookers, stat!  First out is Mark Henry and Tony Atlas, with Henry being especially sweaty tonight…must’ve hit one of the buffets before the show.  Hey, walking from your table to the food is hard work!  In recapping last week’s beating of Hardy, Matt Striker earns some points in my book by claiming it was a…VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER.  Fuck yes, awesome album.  Tony tries to rant, but is immediately cut off by an especially pimp looking Teddy Long.  Badass jacket.  Teddy proposes another match for Cyber Sunday.  Matt Hardy Vs. one of three…with Henry being one of the candidates.  Qualifiers are being held for the other two.  Obviously, Henry objects to this decree, and man, with all that fluid he’s splashing on Long’s face, how he can just stand there without flinching amazes me.  Seriously, he could’ve been drowning at any point here.  First qualifier is up now:



Evan Bourne Vs. COMMERCIALS!  No wait, make that Chavo Guerrero w/o BAM NEELY


Pre-break, Henry refuses to leave, so Evan offers a handshake.  OOOH, TOO SLOW BITCH~!  3rd grade humor at it’s finest.  Having his pride so completely obliterated, Henry and Atlas take a hike.


Chavo, for probably the first time in his life, overpowers someone.  Yeah.  The match starts of incredibly slow, with Chavo working general arm wrenches and the like.  Bourne springboard arm drags out, and then goes for an arm wrench of his own.  I’m assuming this match is going to be a while, because this may be the most boring Evan Bourne match I’ve seen so far.  Things start up a little bit before another commercial break, with some punches being thrown, along with Chavo getting tossed outside, with Evan diving through the ropes onto him.  Pick it the fuck up people!


Back from break, Evan tanks the Standing moonsault, eating a pair of knees (high in calcium!).  Also, during the break, Evan and Chavo were having a counterfest, with an impressive spot being the double knee press being rolled into a single leg crab.  Very nice, shame probably no one noticed.  Chavo works Bourne for a while, and Evan sells like death, as usual.  One particularly awesome spot was Evan going for a top-rope hurricanrana, only for Chavo to roll under him as he leapt up, so he crashes his balls on the turnbuckle, and bounces like a couple feet into the air in the process.  Things turn around for good when Evan counters out of the Three Amigos, hitting a leaping roundhouse, which puts Chavo down long enough for a PPSSP.


Winner:  Evan Bourne


What Stood Out:  Pre-commercial break, this match was BORING.  After that, it got good.  Really good.  Shame they wasted some of the prettier spots during the break.  Who cares about the fans in the arena?


Post-match, Henry runs…er, waddles in to beat on Evan.  Afterwards, he gets a receipt on that handshake.  Clearly, you should not fuck with a big black dude.  Unless your name is Seth Petruzelli, I guess.



Ah, Boogeyman.  Glad to see you haven’t changed.  At all.  No improving your ring work or anything.  Congrats!



In the back, we have Generic Blonde Tiffany dressed as a Vegas showgirl.  Ah, if only she was acting like a REAL Vegas showgirl.  Like, Elizabeth Berkeley style.  Jack Swagger and Tommy Dreamer bust in, demanding ECW Championship matches.  And, I can see why they didn’t have Swagger speak until now.  Serious lisp on that guy.  I imagine his smile’s so white from swallowing a few…um, vile liquids?  Yep.  I went there.



After another quick review of Cyber Sunday, Miz and Morrison walk, before going to another commercial break.  Well, yes, I definitely needed to see that.


John Morrison w/ Miz Vs. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle


During the intros, they show an updated ECW Cyber Sunday photo, and man did they make Bourne’s shoulder muscles HUGE.  He was in Goldberg/Lesnar territory with those things.


Slow going tonight too, with Finlay getting the early advantage with some mat maneuvers.  Soon enough, they’re going back and forth with submissions and amateur wrestling.  Seriously, what DOESN’T Morrison know how to do at this point?  Besides not looking like a douche?  Finlay eventually wins out, and works the leg of Morrison, I assume to keep him from using that corkscrew split-legged moonsault that never hits anyway.  Good strategy.  Morrison armbars Finlay for a little bit now, to chants of “Johnny Nitro.”  Eventually, the crowd decides to actually cheer for the face, and Finlay finally escapes.  Of course, since this is a Finlay match, he distracts the ref while Horny goes for the Tope on Miz and Morrison to the outside.  Afterwards, he pulls Miz under the ring.  Yeah, that’s plausible.  Finlay rolls Morrison back into the ring as we go to ANOTHER commercial break.


Back and Morrison has the advantage, working another armbar on Finlay, after hitting an almost PELE~!  AJ Styles will hear about this!  Finlay sells an injured wing, as he crashes his shoulder into the ring post on a missed charge.  Morrison, of course, then targets all of his moves to that shoulder.  Psychology 101.  All you college-educated folks should know about it.  Morrison decides to forgo the flash at one point, and just hits a clothesline, which only gets him a 1 count.  IRISH JOHN CENA!  Kidding.  Finlay starts making his comeback now, using his not injured arm to hit clotheslines and the like.  Roll through Samoan Drop gets 2.  Morrison regains the advantage with a combo backbreaker/neckbreaker, which prompts Hornswoggle to get involved AGAIN.  This time, he plays dead in the ring, which allows Finlay to grab the stick.  Before he can use it, Mike Knox appears out of the prehistoric era to steal the stick.  Before I can applaud this reign of Irish Eddie Guerrero being thwarted, who should appear but CRYME TYME under the ring (explaining why Miz got pulled under) to hand Finlay another shillelagh, which scores for the victory.  AGAIN.


Winner:  Finlay


What Stood Out:  Discounting the usual Hornswoggle stupidity, this was a good match.  At least Cryme Tyme had a point, with the Internet bitch fight and all.  Can Finlay win a match clean?  Please?


After the bell, Cryme Tyme try to join in on the celebration, but Finlay just pops them for their trouble with the shillelagh.  Hey, be glad it wasn’t a whip, or things would just be uncomfortable here.  After that, as Finlay celebrates on the ramp, Henry and Atlas come out to beat on him too.  Damn that dastardly Henry!  I think I’ll vote for him so Hardy can beat his ass!  Yeah, no.  THE END.



Uppers:  Well, both matches tonight were pretty damn good, if I say so myself.  Also, the whole show had a theme (flow even, OMG reference to last week!) – get challengers for the PPV.  Simple and effective.  I approve.  Also, to cover all their bases, they sprinkle in a little bit of Swagger/Dreamer, along with Knox/Finlay and Cryme Tyme/MNMT.  Bringing a bunch of storylines together is also good.  I also approve.


Downers:  Notice I said BOTH matches tonight.  Indicating that there were only TWO FUCKING MATCHES.  Also, both were only like 10-15 minutes.  So, let’s be generous and say there were 30 minutes of wrestling.  OK, so what was the rest?  Commercials.  A whole lot of commercials.  I was counting 6-7 breaks in an hour, each being about 3 minutes.  Yeah, WWE?  Might want to whore yourself out less.  The number of breaks were so bad, that some good spots were missed.  Can’t be having that.


Overall:  Discounting there was only TWO FUCKING MATCHES tonight, it was a good show.  The curtain jerker match for Cyber Sunday was built well, and really, with ECW, that’s all you can ask for.  On the bright side, seeing how there will be like 5 votes total for this match, your vote REALLY DOES COUNT!



My name, is Neil, and that was your ECW Report.  Truth be told, I almost missed this show, due to me almost having to work my actual job until 9 tonight.  Good thing I’m so AWESOME that I was able to finish real work and be back in time for this.  Damn I am good.  I demand thanks be shown.  Money and naked LEGAL chicks are encouraged. 





Ah, Raw.  Two weeks in a row you suck.  Way to be consistent!  Like my shits.  Yes, imagine me taking a squat, NOW.  EMBRACE IT!


Allow me to be serious for a moment.  We currently have a crisis on our hands.  A disease is sweeping the nation, slowly rotting the American society from the inside out, and destroying, slowly but surely, the very human race.  I am talking, of course, about Max Payne.  Max Payne (The movie, not the two games) could have occupied two of the most torturous hours of my life.  Luckily, I had the support of two of my friends to help me keep my sanity.  If you spend a over a half hour AFTER the movie is over, in the freezing cold outside, for the sole purpose of detailing the kind of shit you just sat through, well my friends, you have a real stinker on your hands.  The horror is beyond words to describe.  If you HAVE to see it, I can’t stop you.  All I can say is, check Rotten Tomatoes, and look at the rating.  Now, I may disagree with critics VERY frequently, but believe me, that rating is SO justified, I am surprised it’s not lower.  And it became #1 at the box office this past weekend!  Woe is me.  Let’s get to it!


Still standing here in Laredo, Texas!  I love how the pyro in the beginning of the show probably costs about as much as the old ECW’s entire budget.  Proving in the WWE, wrestling takes a backseat to flash.  Gotta keep that ADD demo in check!  Ooh look, a piece of lint.


Matt Hardy comes to the ring, to give an in-ring promo on Cyber Sunday, focusing mainly on Mark Henry, the “person he really wants to talk about.”  Your Myspace says otherwise.  Essentially he wins the obese female Hardy fan (is there any other kind?) over to vote for Mark.  Ah, so subtle.  Oh, also that ECW Title looks comically huge on Matt’s shoulder.  He’s about to text Henry for his match, when Finlay saves him 99 cents by interrupting.  Finlay goes into “we never had a match for the title on ECW yet” for about a minute until Bourne comes out.  It’s a shame he’s such a talent in the ring, because man on the mic this guy is a GIGANTIC dork.  Finlay makes fun of him being small (oh my, how original), and he literally says this line:  “Finlay, you can have your jokes, because I’d rather have the votes.”  I felt bad for him, and I’m thousands of miles away!  The terrible effects of cheeseball lines know no limit.  Henry now interrupts, and the crowd responds with the WHAT chant.  Hey, in high school I liked Stone Cold as much as the next guy, but he reserved his own little spot in hell with starting that fucking thing.  That, and repeatedly pummeling anything vagina-esque within a mile radius. STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!


Oh yeah, Henry is doing a promo.  They all sound the same, so I sort of forgot.  Oops.  Blah blah, he says how he’s been dominating everyone the past couple weeks, you know the drill.  Matt concludes saying it won’t matter who’s voted in for Sunday, the winner will be Matt Hardy, and he holds the belt up.  Hey!  You stole HHH’s line!



Jack Swagger Vs. Random Douche (Brett Badley?)


Ooh look, Jack got himself some new music.  I believe he’s using the formerly employed Lance Cade’s theme now.  Cade would’ve objected, but between OD’ing and tagging in gym halls with Trevor Murdoch, well, his hands are tied!  Slander, what the hell is that?


Tard Grisham opens up with a gem, asking WHY Jack would be so foolish to set his sights on TOMMY DREAMER.  Striker can’t help but laugh, which will probably get him in a little trouble.  Take Tommy Dreamer seriously, damn it!  Anyway…SQUASH CITY.  Basic power moves lead into the Doctor Bomb for the pin.


Winner:  Jack Swagger


What Stood Out:  I’m convinced Swagger is out to become the least original wrestler out there.  Music and former finisher is ripping off Lance Cade, New finisher ripping off Dr. Death, former music ripping off Jamie Noble, face ripping off Gary Busey…you get the idea.


After the bell, Tard hops in the ring to do his second job – interviewing.  Grisham asks Swagger how he feels what will happen when he eventually faces Tommy Dreamer.  Jack responds with simply “Tommy who?”  Well, that’s what he was trying to say I assume.  It came out more like “Thhhhhhommy who?”  I imagine gay people are envious of this guy’s lisp by now.  Were Sylvan still employed, we’d know by now!



Backstage now, Lena Yada is interviewing Miz and Morrison…in a loose sense.  In the sense that she holds a microphone and looks Asian the whole time.  Perhaps she could’ve called on those two old ladies to help her out?  The pair admittedly hypes their possible match at the PPV against Cryme Tyme, and Morrison manages to catch Lena checking out his abs.  Add in a dash of election humor, and we’re done here.  Simple, but Morrison is constantly able to get chuckles out of me with his increasingly ridiculous statements.  This one was claiming that his abs would be enough to get their match voted into Cyber Sunday.  I…don’t even know what to say to that.



Shad Vs. The Miz


Match starts out as you think it would – Shad’s big and tall, Miz is a reality show whore.  Who do you think got overpowered here?  Miz is able to low bridge Shad outside, and hits a baseball slide too to gain the advantage, as Striker somehow slips in a Bob Marley/pot smoking reference.  How he did it, I don’t know.  However, that’s not kid-friendly mister!


Shad is selling the shoulder for a little while, before…um, forgetting to?  Striker is able to cover for him, saying ADRENALINE kept him from feeling it.  Shad is eventually able to get back on a roll, but Morrison distracts so Miz can get the advantage – or not.  JTG tripped him as he was coming off the ropes.  Morrison then settles for straight up interfering with the leaping enzuigiri to Shad’s back as he was against the ropes to score Miz a DQ.


Winner:  Shad


What Stood Out:  While it was little, psychology took a nut shot in the later parts of this match.  Outside of that, an OK match.


JTG scares Team Reality off after the bell, and we transition to…



“Celebrities” putting John Cena over.  He even admits and apologizes for sucking so bad!  HE SAID IT!  Seriously, they’re trying their hardest to make sure everyone is absolutely sick of this guy when he comes back, aren’t they?



After some last minute shilling of Cyber Sunday, Gogo Dancer Generic Blonde Tiffany is chatting with Ricky Ortiz, when Hornswoggle comes for Trick or Treating, and is once again UNABLE TO SPEAK A WORD OF ENGLISH.  If Finlay is a good dad, he may want to check his “kid” out for mental retardation at this point.  Let’s say we’re supposed to believe he’s 8 or something.  Shouldn’t he have been able to speak coherently by now?  Anyway, my hatred of Hornswoggle aside, this segment takes a turn for the better as SHAFT comes out.  Teddy Long doing his best impersonation, at least.  Horny gets some candy, and Team Irish is off.  GDGBT gets in the “He’s a bad mother SHUTCHERMOUTH!” line in, of course.



Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs. Evan Bourne w/ the rest of the D&D club


Of course, as the match starts, we get the obligatory rules of a Triple Threat match.  Boy, I sure do love having everything explained to be constantly?  Man, if WWE wasn’t around, I would never remember how to tie my shoes, how to use the potty, or that breathing is good!  THANKS!


Henry gets dumped to the outside early, thanks to Evan Bourne, and then spends the next 3 minutes working on standing up.  Bourne also is able to land a crisp hurricanrana on Finlay, propelling his headskull into Henry’s, as the audience hears a nice thud.  Henry breaks up the ensuing pin, suddenly remembering he should probably get his mammoth ass into the ring, and goes to town on the two good guys.  Nice sequence sees Evan go for another ‘rana on Finlay, only to get alley oop’d into Mizark.  From there, he goes for a ‘rana on Henry, but upon being shrugged off onto Finlay, he turns it into a moonsault press to try to get a quick pin.  Henry of course eventually stops that shit cold and goes back to dominating (like a NATION perhaps), but it was a nice spot.


Back from break, Marky mark is still dominating, first on Evan Bourne, and then going off on Finlay.  Finlay and Evan get a few hope spots here and there, with a chop block by Finlay finally turning the tables.  Evan and Finlay hit a double baseball slide to send Henry outside for another lunch break.  Finlay then tunes up Bourne for a few minutes, until Henry breaks up a pin, and now it’s Evan’s turn to take a powder.  Finlay is able to get the advantage as Mark shoulder charges into the post, but Henry gets back on him soon enough.  Of course, since Finlay is in this match, TIME FOR SHENANNIGANS.  In this case, Atlas tosses Horny into the ring, and as Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam on him (which, truth be told, I would’ve LOVED), Finlay comes in with a chop block, and a stick shot as the ref tends to the gently dropped Hornswoggle, as opposed to, say, doing his job and officiating the match.  Yeah, why should he do that?  Well, this bullshit is fine with me because OUTTA NOWHERE Evan Bourne appears to plant Henry with a PPSSP to pick up the win.


Winner:  Evan Bourne


What Stood Out:  Actually, this would be the second time Evan Bourne’s pinned the ex-champ.  The last time was from a recent 8-man tag.  Regardless, they played it up as a big win, and it was.  Crowd popped like a motherfucker, and Evan celebrated accordingly.  Also, this match was damn good.  The old “3rd guy takes a ten minute nap outside” routine wasn’t too prevalent here.  And, sorry, but pretty much every time Evan Bourne is in a match, it’s automatically better.  How did they just find this guy?


And with that, we’re IMMEDIATELY outta here.  THE END.



Uppers:  Main Event.  Bar none, one of the better Triple Threat matches in recent memory.  Crowd actually popping for the big win is always a plus too.  The promo stuff was kind of amusing as well.  Morrison, Teddy Shaft, and the opening segment all get thumbs up from me.  GBT keeping Ricky Ortiz out of the ring tonight is a bonus, as well.  Holy shit!  She DOES have a use!


Downers:  Ah, Hornswoggle.  At this point, I should just permanently etch his name into this section.  Like Kelly Kelly before him, Horny has nearly no chance of getting out of this hole he’s dug himself into.  How old is he supposed to be?


Overall:  A very entertaining show tonight.  I dare say they may have gotten a couple texts for their match!  Which brings the total to…that’s right, 12 VOTES!  Consider my expectations exceeded!  What really got me was that the crowd was on point tonight.  This is opposed to the Texans from last night, which seemed to enjoy warming their hands with their asses.  Crowd reaction can make or break a show.  Last night was boring as hell, and tonight was very entertaining.  See how that works?



I am disappointed at the lack of money and women showing up at my door this past week.  I expect this problem to be rectified as soon as possible.  Come on people, GET TO IT!





(DISCLAIMER:  In accordance to new WEE law, the terms “sports” and “wrestling” will be replaced by their respective forms of “entertainment.”  All complaints can be directed at World Entertaining Entertainment, Inc.  If you find this annoying, just remember – they started it.)


So…before we get into the usual shit this week, time for a quick venting session.  You see, I’m beat as shit.  Staying up all hours watching the World Series will do that.  It should’ve been over last night but NOOOOOOO, fucking weather has to ruin everything.  So, after letting the Rays tie things up, they suspend the game.  Thankfully, the game wasn’t on tonight, else DAMN this report would be giving me a late night.  I don’t mind suspending the game so much, it’s just doing it when they did.  The field was a fucking disaster area by the 5th inning, yet they wait until they’re halfway done the 6th before they do anything?  I’m usually not one to get too much into other entertainments, but holy shit did Bud Selig screw the pooch royally on that timing.  This guy is hated, and with good reason.  Fucker looks like an abortion that didn’t take.  Whatever.  You’re not here to read about baseball, you’re here to read about entertainment!  So let’s get to it!



Still standing here in San Diego!  Spanish for “a whale’s vagina.”  And why did I use that horribly outdated movie reference?  Why, because we open up with Teddy Long doing a piss poor impression of Ron Burgundy to go over the night’s festivities, then calls himself a moron.  But it was put on the teleprompter!  Oh that Hornswoggle, he can’t speak a lick of English, but he can write it perfectly!  What a phenomenal entertaining talent!  Shoot me, please.


(Quick aside:  This segment would’ve been so much better had the original line been spoken.  “Go fuck yourself, ECE viewers” is an instant classic, and so accurate to what WEE is trying to get across to the viewer.  Yes, viewer as in singular – me.)


Evan Bourne, Finlay w/ Hornswoggle, and Matt Hardy Vs. Chavo Guerrero, BAM NEELY, and Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas


Oh BAM, how I’ve missed you.  Remember how these guys are supposed to be on this show anyway?  Seeing how they’re on this entertainment show’s roster and all…


Chavo and Evan start out with the usual flippy dippy stuff, though they take a mid-air break off an almost botched monkey flip. Quick tags to work over the bad guys, and the turning point in the match comes about when Bourne tries a leap to the outside on BAM.  Apparently he tweaked his ankle in the process, leading to a TENSE stare-off in the ring as we go to break.  DRAMA~!


Coming back, we’re interrupted by a Raw 800th episode verbal BJ.  Sometimes I really do feel sorry for Cameron.  Anyway, back to entertaining!  Henry is laying the hurt on Bourne, with BAM taking his turn as well.  NEELY hits a spinebuster to a standing leg hold, which both guys sell like all hell.  Chavo in now, and because he’s smaller, of course Evan gets a chance to make the tag.  Doesn’t get it though, and now it’s Mizark working the leg.  This pattern goes on and on and on, until Chavo comes back in and RUINS IT FOR EVERYBODY by letting Bourne get the tag.  Hardy is in now, runs wild on Chavo, and here we go with some chaos!  BAM tries to make a save on the tiny Mexican (not Rey Mysterio), but hits him with an elbow instead.  So, Henry sneaks in a World’s Strongest Slam on Hardy (which is impressive when you consider, well, it’s MARK HENRY sneaking anything in), so in comes Hornswoggle to get him some dark meat.  He bites Henry’s leg, and while the Ref is trying to restore order, Finlay pops Henry with the stick.  Somehow everyone but Hardy and Chavo are sent to the outside thanks to another LOPE from Hornswoggle.  Chavo goes up top, Matt tries to get him down, but here’s Chavo with a pride-obliterating bitchslap, which somehow puts Hardy down long enough for the frog splash, and the pin.


Winner:  Chavo Guerrero, BAM NEELY, and Mark Henry


What Stood Out:  Let’s just forget about Teddy Long being Ron Burgundy.  This was the opener, and it was good.  And of course, Evan outshines most by selling his injury the whole match, as opposed to MAGICALLY being cured when the match is over.  Of course, Hornswoggle is cancer, but that goes without saying.



Time for the weekly Cena servicing.  Ah, so his Superman physique is a result of his family kicking his ass as a kid.  Sure, that sounds like a healthy relationship.  Also I find it scary that it doesn’t look like he aged one bit since graduating high school.  Superman doesn’t really age, right?  Haven’t really been brushing up on comics lately.



Backstage with Lena Yada and Tommy Dreamer, with a replay of Jack Swagger’s riveting interview last week.  Tommy’s main point is that hey, Swagger’s so great, he should squash his ass, right?  But what if he doesn’t?  Very good point.  Housing Dreamer’s ass is a rite of passage in ECE, don’cha know.  Once again, Lena just stands there and looks Asian.  At least they tried to exploit that with her Kasumi impersonation at Cyber Sunday.  Clearly, the lack of old women at her side ended up costing her the all-important costume contest win.


Tommy Dreamer Vs. Jack Swagger


Hey, SD Vs. Raw 2009 is coming out soon!  Hey Sean, set up a contest for this one too!  I want to win it again.  Oh and to keep it somewhat relevant, Swagger is being more of a goof by the week, as his entrance consists of…ape-like movements.  Yeah.


Swagger gets the early advantage, with some hits and mat entertaining.  Dreamer responds with polish hammering his ass outside and hitting a baseball slide.  Of course, getting back into the ring is so tiring that Swagger has enough time to hit a knee lift and take over going into a commercial break.  Glad to see that Dreamer is in tip-top shape…


Swagger busts out some of that amateur entertaining offense, with a headlock and belly-to-belly suplex.  He even does the World’s Strongest Slam!  Is there no end to what this guy rips off?  Now he rips off Vader, trying to deliver a Vader Bomb, which misses.  He then goes and absolutely decimates the catering backstage.  Ok, not really.  Dreamer manages to get in a swinging neckbreaker, and a hit off the ropes (I missed it, sorry).  The DDT is countered into a Northern Lights Suplex, and the Doctor Bomb is countered into a pin as well.  So, Swagger just goes for the Doctor Bomb again right after, which hits this time (though man did it look shitty – thanks, Dreamer’s fat ass!).  This, of course, gets the win.


Winner:  Jack Swagger


What Stood Out:  I’m fairly certain that Jack’s gimmick at this point is just throwing as much random shit into one guy and seeing what happens.  Oh, and being a monkey too.



Main event promo time!  Miz and Morrison are doing ANOTHER Live Dirt Sheet, with Morrison sporting his ab diamonds again.  I imagine a lot of guys could go gay for him.  NOT ME THOUGH, OF COURSE!  MNMT give a history lesson on DX, starting with a pretty funny video.  First there’s HBK and Morrison squaring off, with ripping on the 90’s mullet galore!  Next, there’s Miz letting everyone know about HHH’s dick issues.  Psh, theentertainingfan.com has been doing this for years!  We truly are trendsetters.


After the video’s over, here comes DX…look-alikes.  Joy.  Miz and Morrison actually cut a fairly intense promo out of this debacle, before laying waste to the imposters (who basically did nothing but stand there in the ring the whole time…money well spent!).  Oh, also all of this got nothing but crickets from the live audience.  Right there with you, guys.  THE END.



Uppers:  The opener.  A finely entertained match, it’s really what the entertainment’s all about.  Miz and Morrison’s video got a couple of chuckles out of me, as well.  Yep, pretty barren in this department.


Downers:  Oh, where to start.  Well, looks like they’ve gone back to the two-match formula.  Hooray!  That was such a winner last time.  How about Jack Swagger getting his sweet main event pay-off?  Or maybe the live Dirt Sheet getting no reaction from the crowd…again?  Whew, I’ve probably spooged better shows than this one.  


Overall:  Without the opener, this show had NO redeeming qualities.  What else can I say at this point?  This show just fucking put me to sleep.  AVOID IT.


And that was the ECE Report.  I’m Ron Burgundy; go fuck yourself, Extreme Championship Entertaining viewers.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).