Ah, Raw.  Two weeks in a row you suck.  Way to be consistent!  Like my shits.  Yes, imagine me taking a squat, NOW.  EMBRACE IT!

Allow me to be serious for a moment.  We currently have a crisis on our hands.  A disease is sweeping the nation, slowly rotting the American society from the inside out, and destroying, slowly but surely, the very human race.  I am talking, of course, about Max Payne.  Max Payne (The movie, not the two games) could have occupied two of the most torturous hours of my life.  Luckily, I had the support of two of my friends to help me keep my sanity.  If you spend a over a half hour AFTER the movie is over, in the freezing cold outside, for the sole purpose of detailing the kind of shit you just sat through, well my friends, you have a real stinker on your hands.  The horror is beyond words to describe.  If you HAVE to see it, I can’t stop you.  All I can say is, check Rotten Tomatoes, and look at the rating.  Now, I may disagree with critics VERY frequently, but believe me, that rating is SO justified, I am surprised it’s not lower.  And it became #1 at the box office this past weekend!  Woe is me.  Let’s get to it!

Still standing here in Laredo, Texas!  I love how the pyro in the beginning of the show probably costs about as much as the old ECW’s entire budget.  Proving in the WWE, wrestling takes a backseat to flash.  Gotta keep that ADD demo in check!  Ooh look, a piece of lint.

Matt Hardy comes to the ring, to give an in-ring promo on Cyber Sunday, focusing mainly on Mark Henry, the “person he really wants to talk about.”  Your Myspace says otherwise.  Essentially he wins the obese female Hardy fan (is there any other kind?) over to vote for Mark.  Ah, so subtle.  Oh, also that ECW Title looks comically huge on Matt’s shoulder.  He’s about to text Henry for his match, when Finlay saves him 99 cents by interrupting.  Finlay goes into “we never had a match for the title on ECW yet” for about a minute until Bourne comes out.  It’s a shame he’s such a talent in the ring, because man on the mic this guy is a GIGANTIC dork.  Finlay makes fun of him being small (oh my, how original), and he literally says this line:  “Finlay, you can have your jokes, because I’d rather have the votes.”  I felt bad for him, and I’m thousands of miles away!  The terrible effects of cheeseball lines know no limit.  Henry now interrupts, and the crowd responds with the WHAT chant.  Hey, in high school I liked Stone Cold as much as the next guy, but he reserved his own little spot in hell with starting that fucking thing.  That, and repeatedly pummeling anything vagina-esque within a mile radius. STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

Oh yeah, Henry is doing a promo.  They all sound the same, so I sort of forgot.  Oops.  Blah blah, he says how he’s been dominating everyone the past couple weeks, you know the drill.  Matt concludes saying it won’t matter who’s voted in for Sunday, the winner will be Matt Hardy, and he holds the belt up.  Hey!  You stole HHH’s line!

Jack Swagger Vs. Random Douche (Brett Badley?)

Ooh look, Jack got himself some new music.  I believe he’s using the formerly employed Lance Cade’s theme now.  Cade would’ve objected, but between OD’ing and tagging in gym halls with Trevor Murdoch, well, his hands are tied!  Slander, what the hell is that?

Tard Grisham opens up with a gem, asking WHY Jack would be so foolish to set his sights on TOMMY DREAMER.  Striker can’t help but laugh, which will probably get him in a little trouble.  Take Tommy Dreamer seriously, damn it!  Anyway…SQUASH CITY.  Basic power moves lead into the Doctor Bomb for the pin.

Winner:  Jack Swagger

What Stood Out:  I’m convinced Swagger is out to become the least original wrestler out there.  Music and former finisher is ripping off Lance Cade, New finisher ripping off Dr. Death, former music ripping off Jamie Noble, face ripping off Gary Busey…you get the idea.

After the bell, Tard hops in the ring to do his second job – interviewing.  Grisham asks Swagger how he feels what will happen when he eventually faces Tommy Dreamer.  Jack responds with simply “Tommy who?”  Well, that’s what he was trying to say I assume.  It came out more like “Thhhhhhommy who?”  I imagine gay people are envious of this guy’s lisp by now.  Were Sylvan still employed, we’d know by now!

Backstage now, Lena Yada is interviewing Miz and Morrison…in a loose sense.  In the sense that she holds a microphone and looks Asian the whole time.  Perhaps she could’ve called on those two old ladies to help her out?  The pair admittedly hypes their possible match at the PPV against Cryme Tyme, and Morrison manages to catch Lena checking out his abs.  Add in a dash of election humor, and we’re done here.  Simple, but Morrison is constantly able to get chuckles out of me with his increasingly ridiculous statements.  This one was claiming that his abs would be enough to get their match voted into Cyber Sunday.  I…don’t even know what to say to that.

Shad Vs. The Miz

Match starts out as you think it would – Shad’s big and tall, Miz is a reality show whore.  Who do you think got overpowered here?  Miz is able to low bridge Shad outside, and hits a baseball slide too to gain the advantage, as Striker somehow slips in a Bob Marley/pot smoking reference.  How he did it, I don’t know.  However, that’s not kid-friendly mister!

Shad is selling the shoulder for a little while, before…um, forgetting to?  Striker is able to cover for him, saying ADRENALINE kept him from feeling it.  Shad is eventually able to get back on a roll, but Morrison distracts so Miz can get the advantage – or not.  JTG tripped him as he was coming off the ropes.  Morrison then settles for straight up interfering with the leaping enzuigiri to Shad’s back as he was against the ropes to score Miz a DQ.

Winner:  Shad

What Stood Out:  While it was little, psychology took a nut shot in the later parts of this match.  Outside of that, an OK match.

JTG scares Team Reality off after the bell, and we transition to…

“Celebrities” putting John Cena over.  He even admits and apologizes for sucking so bad!  HE SAID IT!  Seriously, they’re trying their hardest to make sure everyone is absolutely sick of this guy when he comes back, aren’t they?

After some last minute shilling of Cyber Sunday, Gogo Dancer Generic Blonde Tiffany is chatting with Ricky Ortiz, when Hornswoggle comes for Trick or Treating, and is once again UNABLE TO SPEAK A WORD OF ENGLISH.  If Finlay is a good dad, he may want to check his “kid” out for mental retardation at this point.  Let’s say we’re supposed to believe he’s 8 or something.  Shouldn’t he have been able to speak coherently by now?  Anyway, my hatred of Hornswoggle aside, this segment takes a turn for the better as SHAFT comes out.  Teddy Long doing his best impersonation, at least.  Horny gets some candy, and Team Irish is off.  GDGBT gets in the “He’s a bad mother SHUTCHERMOUTH!” line in, of course.

Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs. Evan Bourne w/ the rest of the D&D club

Of course, as the match starts, we get the obligatory rules of a Triple Threat match.  Boy, I sure do love having everything explained to be constantly?  Man, if WWE wasn’t around, I would never remember how to tie my shoes, how to use the potty, or that breathing is good!  THANKS!

Henry gets dumped to the outside early, thanks to Evan Bourne, and then spends the next 3 minutes working on standing up.  Bourne also is able to land a crisp hurricanrana on Finlay, propelling his headskull into Henry’s, as the audience hears a nice thud.  Henry breaks up the ensuing pin, suddenly remembering he should probably get his mammoth ass into the ring, and goes to town on the two good guys.  Nice sequence sees Evan go for another ‘rana on Finlay, only to get alley oop’d into Mizark.  From there, he goes for a ‘rana on Henry, but upon being shrugged off onto Finlay, he turns it into a moonsault press to try to get a quick pin.  Henry of course eventually stops that shit cold and goes back to dominating (like a NATION perhaps), but it was a nice spot.

Back from break, Marky mark is still dominating, first on Evan Bourne, and then going off on Finlay.  Finlay and Evan get a few hope spots here and there, with a chop block by Finlay finally turning the tables.  Evan and Finlay hit a double baseball slide to send Henry outside for another lunch break.  Finlay then tunes up Bourne for a few minutes, until Henry breaks up a pin, and now it’s Evan’s turn to take a powder.  Finlay is able to get the advantage as Mark shoulder charges into the post, but Henry gets back on him soon enough.  Of course, since Finlay is in this match, TIME FOR SHENANNIGANS.  In this case, Atlas tosses Horny into the ring, and as Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam on him (which, truth be told, I would’ve LOVED), Finlay comes in with a chop block, and a stick shot as the ref tends to the gently dropped Hornswoggle, as opposed to, say, doing his job and officiating the match.  Yeah, why should he do that?  Well, this bullshit is fine with me because OUTTA NOWHERE Evan Bourne appears to plant Henry with a PPSSP to pick up the win.

Winner:  Evan Bourne

What Stood Out:  Actually, this would be the second time Evan Bourne’s pinned the ex-champ.  The last time was from a recent 8-man tag.  Regardless, they played it up as a big win, and it was.  Crowd popped like a motherfucker, and Evan celebrated accordingly.  Also, this match was damn good.  The old “3^rd guy takes a ten minute nap outside” routine wasn’t too prevalent here.  And, sorry, but pretty much every time Evan Bourne is in a match, it’s automatically better.  How did they just find this guy?

And with that, we’re IMMEDIATELY outta here.  THE END.

Uppers:  Main Event.  Bar none, one of the better Triple Threat matches in recent memory.  Crowd actually popping for the big win is always a plus too.  The promo stuff was kind of amusing as well.  Morrison, Teddy Shaft, and the opening segment all get thumbs up from me.  GBT keeping Ricky Ortiz out of the ring tonight is a bonus, as well.  Holy shit!  She DOES have a use!

Downers:  Ah, Hornswoggle.  At this point, I should just permanently etch his name into this section.  Like Kelly Kelly before him, Horny has nearly no chance of getting out of this hole he’s dug himself into.  How old is he supposed to be?

Overall:  A very entertaining show tonight.  I dare say they may have gotten a couple texts for their match!  Which brings the total to…that’s right, 12 VOTES!  Consider my expectations exceeded!  What really got me was that the crowd was on point tonight.  This is opposed to the Texans from last night, which seemed to enjoy warming their hands with their asses.  Crowd reaction can make or break a show.  Last night was boring as hell, and tonight was very entertaining.  See how that works?

I am disappointed at the lack of money and women showing up at my door this past week.  I expect this problem to be rectified as soon as possible.  Come on people, GET TO IT!