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(October 2006)

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Since Monday was Yom Kippur I’ve decided to fast from writing an opening and will get right to the show.
Heyman and Holly are watching the sick bump from last week and Paul gives him a ton of credit for continuing in the match and how glad he is to have him on the show.  Holly doesn’t care what he thinks and wants RVD tonight but Heyman won’t let him because of liability insurance.  Holly grabs him by the throat and threatens him until he gets smacked in the back with a steel chair by Test who is wearing that gay shirt Shawn Michaels is frequently spotted in.
Theme and we are live from Cameron’s hometown of Wichita, Kansas or is it Topek a?  I just know we’re in Kansas so Dorothy is wrong (this may not even be live).  Sandman’s music hits first and he makes his traditional entrance through the crowd.  Highlights from last week are played followed by Sabu’s entrance.  Big Show enters next with Matt Striker.  Show has apparently shaven every last hair from his head and face and looks like a 7 foot, 500 pound cue ball.
Sandman and Sabu vs. Matt Striker and Big Show (Arabian Beer vs. Bowling Lessons)
Show clotheslines Sabu then gives him a “bowling ball-like” headbutt.  Striker tags in and ends up on the receiving end of a springboard flying leg.  Sabu goes after Striker on the outside as we go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: Next in the series of bad straight to DVD sequels is “Butterfly Effect 2”.  Wh en you can’t get Ashton Kutcher for a sequel, then you KNOW it’s bad.
In the ring, Show delivers a big headbutt.  He then picks him up for a delayed suplex.  Striker tags in and goes for the pin and only gets two.  He throws him to the outside where Show delivers some punishment before throwing him back in.  Striker goes to the second rope but jumps right into a Sabu kick right to the face.  He makes the tag to Sandman who throws a series of big punches then in the corner does a “Heineken-rana” and goes for a pin but Show interrupts he cou nt.  As Sandman goes for the White Russian Leg Sweep, Show prevents it and nails a running body splash which leads to Striker getting the three count.
Winners: Matt Striker and Big Show
After a commercial, Kelly Squared and Trinity pimp next week’s “Extreme Strip Poker”.  Trinity has a full house but Kelly says that a pair of aces beats that as she removes her robe and her boobs are covered by playing cards.  Umm, I don’t like her chances if she thinks a pair of anything beats a full house.
Kevin Thorn and Ariel make their way to the ring followed by Tommy Dreamer.
Kevin Thorn w/Ariel vs. Tommy Dreamer (The Innovator of Suck Match)
Dreamer gets a hip toss but Thorn takes control with a few shoulders to the gut in the corner.  Thorn gives Tommy a rib breaker then a missed attempt in the corner and both men are down and Dreamer then throws a few punches.  He goes for a DDT but Thorn breaks it and goes for a pin with his feet on the ropes.  He then nails the DDT but Thorn gets his hand near the ropes to break up the pin.  Thorn goes to the outside and when the ref isn’t looking, he hits Dreamer with the walking stick and gets an easy pin.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
Now for our Marine clip.  Cameron says “ECW: Where we used to hate Cena, but now pimp his films”.  After a commercial, Maria says some stuff about the poker game next week (I’d like to poke her).  CM Punk then comes to the ring to face Danny Doring.
CM Punk vs. Danny Doring (Why Do They Even Bother Match)
After Doring starts with some offense, Punk hits a double armed underhook backbreaker (there HAS to be an easier way to say that).  Series of punches then urinagi and the Anaconda Vice and this match has more squash than a farmer’s market.
Winner: Danny Doring (actually CM Punk, just seeing if you’re paying attention since I barely am).
Kelly Squared is on the stage near the ramp and is on the microphone congratulating CM and starts to do a striptease but Mike Knox interrupts almost immediately.  He says to Punk that he better stay away from his girl to which Punk replies that his girl better stay away from him.  Knox comes to the ring but doesn’t enter.  The plot thickens!
Ashley and Kristal talk about next week’s Strip Poker and I can’t tell if Ashley has a piercing in her lip or a cold sore.  RVD makes his way to the ring to a nice pop followed by Test.
Test vs. Rob Van Dam (Motley Crue Roadie vs. Educated Feet, Either Way Both Their Brains Aren’t Much, Oh and This Is Extreeeeeeeeeeme Rules)
Big RVD chant as Test kicks Rob right in the gut then throws him to the outside.  Test then throws RVD into the stairs.  He goes for a suplex but RVD reverses and he drops him right on the ring barrier.  He goes for the l eg drop from the apron but Test gets out of the way.  Test grabs the steps and goes for RVD but he gets out of the way and he goes into the post and the stairs fall on him.  RVD puts Test on the steps then does Rolling Thunder on the floor and onto the steps.  Van Dam gets a table from under the ring and for the second week in a row, the crowd is a little slow chanting for tables AFTER they get one.  Back inside the ring, Test regains control with a hard clothesline.  Test goes outside and throws four chairs in the ring.  RVD picks one up and Test kicks it right in his face.  Pin attempt but he only gets two.  Test sets up the chair in the corner then goes for a suplex on RVD but he reverses and throws a chair right in his face.  Test is on the apron but as RVD goes to take him out, Test nails him with a big punch.  He tries to suplex RVD onto the table but instead RVD does a sunset flip into a power bomb right into the table.  We then go to commercial.
After we come back, there actually has been no progression in the match for once.  Heyman and his enforcers come to the ring.  Test kicks RVD right in the cash and prizes then throws him to the o utside where the enforcers throw him into the post and beat on him with a night stick (I thought Big Boss Man died).  They throw him back inside where RVD somehow kicks out at two on Test’s pin.  Test then throws RVD head first right into the chair in the corner and again RVD is able to kick out.  Test locks in a bear hug while Heyman looks on diabolically.  RVD breaks out and Test nails him with a chair but still can’t get a three count.  Test takes the padding off the turnbuckle and goes to ram RVD’s head into it but he prevents it.  Test instead throws him off the ropes and RVD is able to duck and hit a flying leg lariat.  He then grabs a chair and skates steel right into Test’s face in the corner.  He sets up the chair on Test and goes for Rolling Thunder but Test moves and he jumps right onto just the chair.  Test sets up the chair on RVD and takes another one to the top rope and does his own version of a Conchairto.  RVD is still able to kick out and Test gets a table and brings it into the ring.  He tries to powerbomb RVD through the table but Rob turns it into a sunset flip and only gets a two count.  RVD ends up throwing Test face first into the exposed turnbuckle.  He then goes to the top and does a flying kick which makes the table fall over.  RVD fixes the table and puts Test on it then goes after the enforcers by jumping on them.  He then goes to the top but Test moves and Big Show comes from nowhere and pushes him off the top rope into the table.  Test hits the Test Drive and finally gets the pin (it only took interference from someone else).
Winner: Test
Extreme Moment: Main event was a pretty good match, RVD two weeks in a row delivering the goods in the ring.
Not So Extreme Moment: Way too much time was spent on promoting the Extreme Strip Poker which I really do not expect to be at all entertaining.  Actually if I borrow Cameron’s technique of not writing about it, my job will be easy next week!
So go read more about wrestling here on the Fan and let me know your predictions for next week’s Extreme Strip Poker.  My money is on two boxes of tissues.  Now hit my music!


Boy I tell ya, most guys would say at the end of a long crappy day getting to watch some hot women play strip poker would be just what the doctor ordered.  Well unfortunately the doctor is Vince McMahon (oh no Doctor Heinie is back???) which means the prescription isn’t even worth a box of generic one ply tissues.  Well let’s get this over with.
Before the show we get a viewer discretion advised warning for tonight’s show which is just ridiculous.  Our first shot is of the ever so attractive Balls Mahoney who is tonight’s dealer.  Each of the six divas participating describes what they are wearing and Maria looks smoking hot.  Balls informs the ladies he is just going to deal one card and whoever gets the lowest has to remove something.  What is this, One Card Stud?  They toast though of course we are reminded that Kelly is only 19 and can’t join in.  Ashley loses the first hand and takes off her shirt.
Theme and we are live from…umm somewhere (I think Jacksonville, Florida according to where they are on the live events schedule).  There’s a six man tag tonight and CM Punk is the first wrestler out.  He’s going to be facing Rene Dupree who I thought was from the French part of Canada but is in troduced as being from Paris, France.  Both guys here are undefeated so we’ll see what happens.
CM Punk vs. Rene Dupree (French Punk, Not My Cup of Tea)
As the match starts, we get a split screen of the game backstage where Kelly loses her shoes.  Punk ends up on the apron and Dupree dropkicks him off.  Back inside, Dupree is hammering away and goes for a suplex but Punk lands on his feet (Trinity takes her top off).  Punk hits Dupree with a leg lariat then goes to the top but Dupree avoids the attack.  Punk manages to still lock in the Anaconda Vice and Dupree taps out.
Winner: CM Punk
Back to the game, Maria and Candice tied so they end up both removing something (Maria’s stoc kings and Candice’s skirt).  We then go to commercial.  Did I mention this appears to have been shot in advance at WWE Headquarters?
Balls gets to choose the article of clothing the next loser removes (I feel like a loser for watching this).  Kristal is the loser and he goes with her bottoms.  Ashley smacks her on the ass and we go back to ringside where Kevin Thorn and Ariel come down (why isn’t she playing?).  His opponent is Tommy Dreamer.
Kevin Thorn w/ Ariel vs. Tommy Dreamer (I Vant to Suck Your Originals)
Dreamer starts off innovating some violence but Thorn gets out of the way of a corner attack (Ashley removes her shoes, I’m sure most of this stuff will end up on WWE Shopzone).  Thorn works on Tommy’s arm (Candice loses her corset).  Kevin bodyslams Dreamer but then takes a boot to the face and a few punches.  A suplex and a sit down spinebuster but only gets two.  Thorn manages to take control and nails a crucifix powerbomb but somehow kicked out.  Dreamer goes to the outside and prevents Ariel from handing Thorn the walking stick.  Back inside he hits a Dreamer DDT and actually get the surprising win.
Winner: Tommy Dreamer
Kristal takes her shoes off and Balls can’t get out of his chair (guess he has a foot fetish, he should team up with Snitsky).
After a commercial, Styles and Tazz pimp the six man tag.  Trinity asks Maria and Candice if Cena is hot which of course is an excuse to shill for his movie.  Trinity then asks about Batista.  Balls stops this pointless chatter and Kelly loses and takes her skirt off (to her theme music?) and then decides to take her top off too.  Then she takes her bra off too as we go to commercial (she pulled it over her head though, I think I’m better at taking off bras then she is).
RVD’s music hits and he enters, followed by Sabu and then Sandman through the crowd (Ashley takes her bottoms off).  Big Show and then Striker make their entrances (Kristal loses her top).  Test is last and we are ready for our main event after a commercial.
Rob Van Dam. Sabu, and Sandman vs. ECW Champion Big Show, Matt Striker and Test (Five Star Arabian Beer Can Induced Bloody Forehead vs. Cue Ball Teacher’s Union Roadie, Wow I’m Tired)
RVD starts off locking up with Test and they trade off a punch here and a kick there.  RVD is able to use his educated feet (seriously, they’ve got an Ivy League degree!).  He tags Sabu and hits Rolling Thunder in tandem with Sabu’s leg drop.  Sabu beats up on Test some, then tags in Sandman but Test is able to come back.  Striker tags in and beats up on Sandman some then tags in Show (Trinity loses her skirt).  Show ends up taking a kick to the face and Sabu tags in.  He tries to take advantage of Show being groggy but he e nds up getting clobbered by a big punch.  Test tags in and hits Sabu with a clothesline as we go to commercial.
Back to the show and Test hits Sabu with a backbreaker, picks him back up and drops him with a sidewalk slam.  Striker tags in and hits a neckbreaker but only gets a two count.  Sabu goes to the outside and Test grabs him and rams his back into the post three times with one arm.  Sabu gets thrown back inside and Striker nails a big clothesline and only gets a two count.  Show tags in and we get this week’s description of his hands (catcher’s mitts, do we scream like the secret word on Pee Wee’s Playhouse?).  As Show continues to dominate Sabu, Maria takes her top off.  Show goes for a suplex but Sabu counters to a DDT though only gets a two count.  Test tags in and locks in a bear hug.  He breaks it and tags in Striker.  He climbs to the second rope but Sabu kicks him right in the face and finally gets the tag to RVD who monkey flips Striker and hits a series of kicks including one from the top rope.  He climbs again to the top and avoids Test’s interference and as his partner’s take out Test and Show, hits the Five Star.  He then tags in Sandman who beats down on Striker and then hits the Rolling Rock and gets the pin.
Winners: Rob Van Dam, Sabu and Sandman
Candice loses the final hand and questions why she ended up with a two and everyone else got aces.  She accuses Maria of cheating and rips her top off.  Maria and Candice are completely naked (though blurred of course) and fight each other as Balls chants “EC Dub!” and we go off the air to the view of blurry plastic (well not Maria).
Extreme Moment: Tommy Dreamer actually getting a clean win over Kevin Thorn, a surprising result in a good match.
Not So Extreme Moment: Obviously the Extreme Strip Poker even though they at least had blurred nudity which for them is a major upgrade but the fact they dealt one card to each girl per hand was beyond stupid.  I'd have traded a one second flash of a single boob for having to see Regal's schlong last Sunday.
Check out the painful to watch but hilarious to read Best Damn Raw Rant, Period and you’ll see a guest appearance by yours truly for the “Family Reunion” that was three hours longer than it should have been.  Also check out the other recaps, columns, etc. because if you don’t then our lives are empty and meaningless.  Now hit my music!


Preston Wilson knocks a double and the Cardinals take a 3-2 lead over the Mets!  Oh crap, wrong channel.
Theme and we are somewhere in Florida I think.  I dunno it’s probably taped.  Tonight we get RVD vs. Big Show and if Rob wins he gets a future title shot.  Also we have a Singapore Cane on a Pole Match (American Pole?) between Sandman and Matt Striker.  Sandman’s music hits and he makes his entrance through the crowd.  Sandman’s beer drinking is “saved by the bell” and Screech makes his entrance.  OK maybe not but I don’t know which I’d rather see, this show or his sex video.  Striker enters in a pink sweater that doesn’t exactly m ake him seem like the kind of teacher that is friendly with the ladies.
The Sandman vs. Matt Striker (Beer Drinking Lessons Match with a Singapore Cane on a Pole or Something)
Each competitor attempts to go after the cane but too early to do so.  Striker starts to work on the knee but Sandman gets out of the way.  He tries but Striker gets to Sandman and throws him off the top rope and grabs the cane.  He cracks it over Sandman’s skull a couple times but misses the third time and Sandman takes it away from him and returns the favor which busts him open (well at least now their foreheads match).  Striker walks off and gets counted out.
Winner by countout: The Sandman
We get our heavily unadvertised (at least anywhere besides WWE television) Marine segment.  The movie opened in 6th place which is not too impressive.  CM Punk’s music hits and makes his entrance to a pretty nice pop.  He’s got a rematch against Rene Dupree.
CM Punk vs. Rene Dupree (Tickle Me Punk Match)
Dupree takes the early advantage with a series of punches and a flying elbow.  Can’t get the pin and then tries a clothesline.  Rene puts on a chinlock then a couple of body slams.  Punk manages to come back and quickly slaps Dupree across the face then a stiff kick to the face followed by a urinage and Anaconda Vice to get the submission.
Winner: CM Punk
After t he match, Mike Knox attacks Punk but is fought off and they exchange some words.  We then go backstage to new correspondent Rebecca DiPietro who interviews Rob Van Dam.  He says that he had to start at the beginning and work his way back up to the title again.  Yeah it only took about three months and many matches against the HUGE roster ECW has.
Test makes his entrance and gets on the microphone to introduce himself as the impact player.  Umm OK.  He says he is the most ruthless competitor ECW has ever seen.  ; Whatever ANDREW!  I think Motley Crue is on tour, shouldn’t you be on it?  They show some footage of Hardcore Holly’s great match with RVD a few weeks ago followed by when he smacked Holly in the back with a chair.  Apparently Holly will be coming back in a week and he’s gained some supporters from his toughness.  Oh I see, so when you get a huge gash in your back you turn face?  Balls Mahoney’s music interrupts and he comes down and challenges him.  Test would love to fight him but not tonight.  Bells starts beating him up and the ball rings.  Wait a minute…strike that, reverse it.  Thank you.
Test vs. Balls Mahoney (Take My Balls for a Test Drive Match)
Test breaks away and rams Balls’ shoulder into the post twice and then works on the shoulder.  Balls fights back but Test manages to keep control and continues to work on the shoulder.   Balls breaks out again and hits a couple of clotheslines followed by a round of Teabagging though before the last punch Test hits a thumb to the eye but Balls manages to nail a sit down spinebuster.  He tries to Teabag Test again (I’d like to conduct a Teabag Test too, I’d ask for a volunteer but I don’t think any women read this) but Test moves out of the way and nails Balls with a big boot which leads to the pin.
Winner: Test
After a commercial (tonight’s recap is commercial free!), Shannon Moore is in the ring and well any hope he’d win his match tonight is lost when his opponent is revealed to be Sabu.
Sabu vs. Shannon Moore (Arabian Reject Match, I Got Nothing Here)
Sabu dominates early with punches, kicks, flying over the top, you know the usual.  Moore manages to gain control and hits a nice moonsa ult but only gets a two count.  He goes to the top for a corkscrew but misses.  Sabu takes advantage with a leg drop after flipping over the top rope and pin.
Winner: Sabu
Rebecca is backstage with Big Show who says it’s a great day for RVD because he gets to step in the ring with the champion of champions.  He says RVD should thank Paul Heyman for g iving him a break (did he give him a Kit Kat bar?).
Show makes his entrance followed by RVD to a big pop (yes a giant bottle of soda was waiting at ringside for him; it goes well with wacky tobacky).
Rob Van Dam vs. ECW Champion Big Show (Five Star Restaurant Match Where If RVD Wins He Gets a Future Title Match, Longest…Title…Ever)
Show pushes RVD back with one hand then uses a lot of quick punches and kicks to try to take the big man down but all for naught as Show kicks him and he goes to the outside.  RVD snaps Show’s head over the rope then he hits Show from the top rope but only gets a two count.  Show picks Rob up and drops him right on the top rope.  He hangs and then falls back into the ring and we take a commercial.  After we come back, Show drops a series of elbows and goes for a pin but is unable to get a three count.  Big chop in the corner and Show chokes Rob on the ropes.  He then sets him up in the corner and does another chop after shushing the crowd.  RVD tries to fight back but Show clobbers him with a clothesline.  Show slaps him across the face and taunts him and RVD punches a few times and kicks Show which makes him stagger some.  Show then goes for the chokeslam but RVD breaks it and punches him again and then kicks him from the top rope which finally knocks him down.  Rob hits Rolling Thunder but only gets a two count on the pin.  RVD goes off the ropes but Show spears him.  RVD is able to kick out from Show’s pin and then gets out of the way when Show tries to squash him from the second rope.  RVD almost hits the ref when he goes to the corner then Show ends up knocking him down.  RVD goes to the top but Test interferes and grabs a chair and hits RVD in the ribs with it.  Hardcore Holly then shows up, grabs the chair and clocks Test across the head with it.  Show reaches for Holly but he smacks him twice with the chair.  RVD nails the Five Star in the center of the ring and gets the pin.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
Extreme Moment: Not a bad show though nothing really stood out.  I don’t know if you noticed who was NOT on the show tonight.  This new girl Rebecca is kinda hot and is much nicer to look at so I’m giving it to her getting screen time over Kelly Squared.
Not So Extreme Moment: Wow with Kelly nowhere to be found tonight, I have no backup plan here.  I’m gonna go with the fact even though they squeezed five matches into tonight’s show, most of them were still squashes.
There is so much going on here at the Fan that you have to see to believe.  Sign up for the TWF newsletter, check out the various columns, post your opinions on the boards, and if it’s not asking too much drop me an e-mail and let me know how I’m doing.  It can be pretty desolate around here sometimes *tumbleweed blows by*.  Now hit my music!


Hey, how come I got to do this again?  Didn’t I just do this last week?  Stupid weekly programming…
We get a recap of last week’s main event of RVD winning his match against Big Show and earning a future title shot.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are live from St Louis where ironically Game 3 of the World Series is also being played tonight.  Gee if I had a choice between this and going to the World Series, I think it’s a no brainer.
RVD’s music hits and he comes down to ringside.  He gets on the microphone and says last week the seemingly impossible happened (we found Osama Bin Laden?).  He wants to know when he’ll get his title shot and then Paul Heyman interrupts with his security.  Paul mentions that until last week, Big Show had been undefeated.  He presented a contract for the title match but there’s a catch.  He has to retrieve it from a ladder in a match with the Big Show (can he even stand on a ladder?).  If Rob gets it, he can pick when the match is.  If Show gets it, he can eat it (or tear it up if he had dinner already).  He mentions that RVD is a vet of ladder matches and has his henchmen attack but Rob is able to break them off.
After a commercial, CM Punk makes his entrance and he’ll be facing Matt Striker who has the worst collection of tights I’ve ever seen.  Tazz thinks he got them from the women’s locker room.
Matt Striker vs. CM Punk (Social Studies vs. Social Deviant, You Decide Who’s Who)
Punk starts with a takedo wn then puts on a hammer lock but Striker reverses it.  Punk then breaks out and kicks Matt in the head.  Striker comes back and throws Punk’s shoulder into the steel post and then rams his arm into the steps a couple of times.  Back inside, Striker locks in an arm bar but Punk comes back with a series of forearms, a kick to the head followed by a bulldog.  He then hits a clothesline from the top, then a series of slaps and another big kick.  Punk goes for the urinage but Mike Knox interferes.
Winner by DQ: CM Punk
Knox tries to beat down Punk but he comes back and knocks him out of the ring with a big kick.  Later tonight we have Backslice Holly (™ Dcabrera from the world famous TWF boards) vs. Test.
The bills are paid (but not mine) and Test makes his entrance followed by Holly.
Homeslice Holly vs. Test (Test My Sparkplug Match)
Holly attacks quickly with a series of hard punches and chops.  He then chokes Test in the corner and after breaking it, Test takes a breather outside.  Holly chases after him and fights back.  Back inside, Test repeatedly kicks Holly in the corner.  Holly however comes back after being thrown in the turnbuckle.  Holly ties up Test in the ropes but the ref helps get him out.  Both men end up outside and they exchange ramming each other’s head into the steps.  Test takes over back inside and then has Holly on the apron.  He goes for a suplex (as the crowd starts a “boring” chant) but Holly reverses and they land on the floor as we go to commercial.
After corporations do some shilling, we see during the break Test repeatedly shoved Holly’s back into the steel post.  Inside, he has a reverse bear hug which Holly breaks but Test is able to maintain control.  He then locks in a normal bear hug and Bob tries to break that too but still ends up taking a few punches.  Holly manages to come back with a hard kick and we get the pointless count from the ref which never gets to 10.  Holly reaches his feet and nails Test with a couple of elbows and a clothesline.  He then goes to the top and hits a clothesline and gets a two count on the pin attempt.  Test reverses an Irish whip and hits a powerslam then goes to the top but Holly hits the ropes so he lands right on his cash and prizes.  Holly drops a leg from the second rope but still can’t get a three count.  Test then gets control and goes for a pump handle slam but Holly breaks it and goes for an Alabama Slam but Test grabs the rope.  Holly kicks him in the gut an d then tries again for an Alabama Slam but Test is able to throw Holly into the steel post and then grabs the tights and gets a pin which will hopefully stop the booing crowd.
Winner: Test
Test hits Holly a few times with a chair.  We then go to various WWE superstars talking about how great “The Marine” is.  You know, because they didn’t waste 10 bucks to see it.  Bac kstage Show and Heyman are talking as we go to commercial.
The ladders are set up around the ring as Tazz and Joey Styles go over the Cyber Sunday lineup.  You know, we give you one obvious choice and two better but not as popular choices and make it seem like the fans really have a say in this thing.  We then go backstage where Rebecca is interviewing the Sandman.  He says any of “You-maga’s” (I swear that is how he pronounced it) opponents would be good but he would be best.  He’s the Sandman and he approves this message.  RVD and then Big Sho w make their entrances and we go to commercial.
OK I kid you not, in a clip from “Hogan Knows Best” his son asked what kind of pick up lines he used to use and Hulk said “How would you like to go upstairs, get naked and put on my title belt?”
RVD vs. ECW Champion Big Show (Better Be A Fucking Strong Ladder Match For The Title Match Contract)
RVD tries to take early advantage with a series of punches and kicks which knocks Show down on the rope, then Rob hits a leg drop on his head.  He sets up a ladder in the ring but Big Show prevents it.  Show sets up the ladder in the corner and throws RVD right into it.  Rob goes out of the ring and takes a ladder but instead of climbing it he tries to knock the contract down (he must have thought it was a piņata and wanted some candy).  RVD hits Show in the gut with a ladder, then in the face.  After that he leans it against Big Show (who is now bleeding) and dropkicks it from the top rope.  RVD then hits Rolling Thunder with the ladde r on top of Show.  Rob goes for the contract but Show knocks down the ladder and RVD goes throat first on the top rope.  Show sets up the ladder in the corner and throws his opponent into it face first.  Show places the ladder on top of Rob’s fallen body and stands on it.  He then rams him into the ladder again.  RVD tries to fight back but falls victim to a spear (not of asparagus, Show never saw a vegetable he liked unless it’s fried).  Show then hits a head butt and drops RVD on the ladder.  He then goes to the second rope but misses the splash (which he kind of botched) and fell right on the ladder.  Show still tries to get a choke slam but RVD breaks it and hits him with the ladder and a couple of shoulder blocks but when he tries again Show manages to get the choke slam.  Show sets up the ladder and is about to climb but RVD climbs first and jumps on Show and takes him over the top with a leg scissors.  Rob takes advantage and gets the contract to win the match.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
Big Show repeatedly says “NO!” but that might have been because there was no food left backstage while RVD celebrates in the ring as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment:  Even though it was pretty obvious RVD would win, the ladder match was still pretty good.
Not So Extreme Moment: Stitchplug Holly (I got a million of ‘em!) making a random face turn because of one really good match made his match with Test kind of boring.  No one really cares about either of these guys.
Hey, how about sending me an e-mail and letting me know what you thought of tonight’s show and recap?  If you don’t, I’ll start sending spam to your mailbox (meaning you will be finding luncheon meat stinking up the front of your place of residence).  Also check out some good stuff here at The Fan such as Sean’s non-wrestling column about horrible movie adaptations as well as the other wholesome family humor you’ve come to expect from every website but this one.  Now hit my music!


Welcome to a spooky recap of ECW on Sci Fi!  It’s Halloween of course and really what could be scarier than the corporate candy companies of America getting rich while making ou r nation’s children even fatter than they already are.  I know it took its toll on me and look how I turned out!
Tonight we have a Diva Costume Contest where my money is on Ariel dressing as a vampire, Kelly dressing as herself but claiming to be an exhibitionist, and Francine dressing as a pink slip (or the Invisible Woman, your choice).  We also have a tag team match between Hardcore Holly & RVD vs. Test & Big Show.
We start off with highlights of last week’s EXTREMEly predictable ladder match.  We then go backstage to the mess-I-uh of ECW where he states that at December to Dismember RVD will get his title shot in an Extreme Elimination Chamber.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are pre-recorded from Milwaukee, Wisconsin (mmm cheese).  The most appropriate couple for tonight comes out first in Kevin Thorn and Ariel.  This is a qualifying match for the Extreme Elimination Chamber to which Joey asks what the hell that is.  Hmm sounds to me like a normal Elimination Chamber match but with a longer title.  His opponent is Sabu who tonight is dressed up as Scar from The Lion King.  Get it?  Because he has a ton of scars on his body?  OK I got nothing.
Kevin Thorn w/ Ariel vs. The HomiGeniSuicidal Sabu (Preys on All vs. Praise Allah, Extreme Elimination Chamber Qualifier)
Thorn starts off with a shoulder block but then misses a falling headbut t and Sabu hits a pair of leg drops.  Thorn ends up on the outside and Sabu does a flip and lands right on him.  Back inside, Thorn regains control when he catches Sabu in midair and hits a sit down spinebuster but only gets a two count.  He then throws Sabu into the steel post, then continues to work the shoulder in an arm bar.  Sabu breaks out and hits a leg lariat and a top rope elbow.  He then goes to the second rope but Thorn clotheslines him.  Sabu gets up though and hits a nice tornado DDT from the second rope.  He then locks in the camel clutch and gets the submission victory.
Winner: Sabu
We go backstage to Rebecca who is with Sandman and a clown randomly walks by.  Sandman excuses himself and canes the crap out of him.  He says he hates clowns and Rebecca is looking at him like she wants to fuck his brains out, you know the same as the look women give me until I realize that inflatable dolls always have that look.
They show a clip from “The Marine” and I’m not even sure if it’s still in theatres.  Tazz got Joey a gift which is a noose.  Hey how’s it hangin’?  All of a sudden we hear the best interruption music ever ALAYEAHHHHHHHHH and Daivari makes his entrance followed by the Great Khali.  Thankfully Daivari is wrestling and not Khali who is dressed as an abortion (in other words, he isn’t wearing a costume).
Daivari w/ Great Khali vs. Shannon Moore (Abnormally Shaped Heads vs. Abnormally Shaped Hair)
Daivari attacks Moore quickly and Joey mentions how he is best known for managing Khali (and not that other Arab/Italian guy).  Not much to talk about here as Daivari completely squashes Moore and finishes him with a DDT.
Khali picks up Moore and picks him up by the throat and throws him down.  Backstage Rebecca interviews RVD and he isn’t surprised Heyman pulled a trick (subtle Halloween reference).  He thinks he’d be good at an Extreme Elimination Chamber which of course he has no idea what it is.  I really have no idea what they can do to change this match to make it “extreme”, I just know they have to use it once a year at least since it cost Vince an extreme half million to build.  Backslash Holly interrupts and reminds us how he got 24 stitches in his back but tonight he has RVD’s back.
We get a commercial for Wrestlemania 23 in Detroit because that’ll heal the woun ds of the Tiger fans.  We have the Diva Costume Contest now and Kelly Squared, Trinity, and Ariel make their entrances all wearing robes.  Trinity is first and she has crime scene tape across her chest.  Ariel is next and well she apparently didn’t change from her vampire outfit.  Kelly is last and she is dressed as CM Punk.  Well she does have some things in common like the fact she doesn’t drink or smoke (in addition to act or do anything useful).  The fans vote and Trinity wins (I’m surprised they didn’t alter the crowd sounds so Kelly could win).  Mike Knox interrupts followed by CM Punk attacking him.  He knocks Knox (hehe I made a Knox knock joke) out of the ring and we go to commercial.
Coming up after the show CM Punk is going ghost hunting because being straight edge puts you in the same category as Peter, Ray, Egon and Winston.  They go to Knox backstage and he issues a challenge to CM Punk next week.  Back at ringside, RVD makes his entrance followed by Holly.  Test then makes his entrance and he completely ignores a kid who for some reason seemed like he was standing right in the middle of the aisle hoping for a high five.  Big Show then makes his entrance and for some reason he looks like he is about to cry.  OK I know I am beating a dead horse with these Big Show fat jokes, but I know you’re a “glutton” for punishment so here’s another one!  He must be upset because he found out he no longer fits into “one size fits all” clothing.  Oh and also Big Show ate the horse.
Rob Van Dam and Hardcore Holly vs. Test and ECW Champion Big Show (Towelie’s Biggest Fan and Bloodback Mountain vs. Juice Is Loose and Brokeback Mountain Literally and Not In the Sense That He’s Gay, Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That)
Big RVD chant as we start but Holly is the one to start (which gets even bigger RVD chants) and then he tags RVD in.  Test starts with a few stiff punches and kicks in the corner.  He throws him to the opposite corner but RVD hits an elbow then jumps at him but Test catches him.  He goes for something but Rob breaks it and throws Test into the corner.  Holly tags in and l ays in some offense on Test.  RVD tags back in but Test is able to gain control.  He throws Rob into Big Show’s boot but RVD comes back and as Test is on the apron, RVD jumps into him and takes him to the floor.  A commercial comes here but we are back because I don’t want to waste my funny on some lameass commercials.
Some ghost hunters show CM Punk some of their equipment (ghost hunting equipment you sicko) and then we rejoin the match.  Test is choking RVD with his boot in the corner.  He mocks RVD’s finger pointing (what would you say th ere, ATM for Andrew “Test” Martin?).  Show tags in as does Holly and dominates with his size with some punches and a big headbutt.  Test tags back in and throws Holly’s shoulder into the steel post and then to the other.  The crowd follows up a “Big Show sucks” chant with a “Test sucks too” chant.  Holly breaks out of a wrist lock but Test takes him back down and tags Show.  He continues to work on Holly’s arm.  He then goes to the second rope and completely misses and falls really awkwardly.  RVD tags back in and does a few jumping punches and looks like Little Mac punching King Hippo.  RVD is able to take down Show wit h some kicks and then Rolling Thunder but Test breaks up the pin attempt.  All four men are in the ring now and Test takes out the ref by accident but then is on the receiving end of an Alabama Slam before Show takes Holly out.  RVD then hits a kick from the top rope and outside the ring throws Show into the post.  Then out of nowhere some dude in a gorilla suit hits RVD with a pipe which knocks him out.  Show choke slams him and gets the pin.
Winners: Test and Big Show
Not surprisingly, Paul Heyman is the man behind the mask.  And he would have gotten away with it too, if not for you meddling kids!
Extreme Moment:  Opening match was solid even though it seemed fairly obvious Sabu would win.
Not So Extreme Moment: Diva Costume Contest because only one of the three even wore a costume, it was a weak attempt to advance a fairly weak storyline and I thought they were called Vixens?  They really are saturating this garbage as much as they can.
So that’s about it for this Halloween edition.  Check out Sean’s special one time only “Raw Recapping for Dummies” (which is a great book by the way) as well as the other various recaps, columns, and other stuff which is probably not that scary although you’ll laugh so hard you’ll start bleeding from the mouth.  Hey better to have your own blood on there then as a result of going down on your menstruating girlfriend.  Now hit my music!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).