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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(November 2008 Archives.)

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November 04, 2008
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(11/04/08)

 

Welcome, one and…um, the other one, to the ECW Report!  First off, I am just SO happy that you decided to join me in watching this fine program.  I mean, what else could you be doing tonight?  Find out the new leader of the free world?  Bah, since when did that shit affect anything?  Just ask Iraq; they don’t have a problem with us!  Well, not now anyway.

 

So, let’s see what the latest news around the WWE is today.  Hmmm, an article about Evan Bourne…let’s see here:

 

“The official word on Evan Bourne is that he has suffered a torn deltoid ligament and a dislocated ankle and has been fitted with a huge boot. [WrestlingObserver.com]”

 

Time to Darth Vader it kiddies:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!  Seriously though, this is a big kick to the nuts of ECW.  Evan Bourne was, without a doubt, THE breakout star of the promotion, and solely on his ring skill.  When was the last time that happened in WWE?

 

One last thing before getting into the main course, how good was that Diva tag match last night?  I know it’s very hip to bust on the girls, but sometimes, they sacrifice big for their craft.  In this case, selling for Mae Young (as she throws .001 MPH forearms) like you just took a fucking bazooka missile to the face, and NOT laughing you ass off is something that deserves commendation.  So, Beth Phoenix, kudos to you for leading this charge.  Now, if you could go ahead, get divorced, and drive on over here, that’d be great.  Yeah.  OK, let’s get to it!

 

 

Still standing here in…Orlando!  Fuck this shit; I’m heading to the IMPACT ZONE!  Yeah, sorry, not that much of a masochist.  Oh, and it’s an ELECTION DAY SPECIAL!

 

Matt Hardy Vs. BAM NEELY

 

Sweet, sweet justice.  BAM finally getting his shot at the br…iron ring!

 

Matt, probably unsurprisingly, gets the early advantage with some exchanging headlocks, but BAM does not take that shit.  No way.  Generic power moves galore now on Matt (big boot to Hardy’s back, and repeating scoop slams) leading into a modified camel clutch.  Thankfully, the trunks are not rolled down for some old country humbling.  Matt escapes and goes for a crossbody, but NEELY catches him and hits a Bossman slam.  This only gets a two, and Matt is able to escape again.  This time the second rope elbow drop hits, into a Side Effect, for a two.  DDT doesn’t get it done either, so Matt goes up top AGAIN.  Because it ALWAYS works.  BAM superplexes his ass for another near fall.  However, all of this is for naught as Matt Hardy just settles for the old Twist of Fate OUTTA NOWHERE for the win.

 

Winner:  Matt Hardy

 

What Stood Out:  Credit to Hardy, as he made NEELY look remotely threatening in this match.  Not quite Ric Flair/El Gigante levels, but nothing to sneeze at either.  A decent match, even if it was only a few minutes long.  Oh, BAM NEELY has some decent music too.

 

After the bell, the quality of my life takes a nose-dive as Finlay and Hornswoggle’s music plays.  Team Irish comes out as we go to break.  Good.  At least I have enough time to load my shotgun.

 

Quick sidebar:  Hey, Ricky Ortiz actually has a use!  Unfortunately for him, it’s being some douche on a crappy Sci-Fi reality show.  Sure glad they called him up and featured him as a real star!

 

Back from break, Finlay is out to challenge Hardy for the title (presumably what WWE wanted to happen at Cyber Sunday).  Mark Henry interrupts to whine, and Finlay is helpful to point out that nobody likes Mark Henry.  Henry is quick to retort that Finlay doesn’t win matches without stupid bullshit.  THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.  Before things get too hairy (though in Henry’s case he’d literally be a silverback gorilla), out comes Teddy Long to make Henry vs. Finlay tonight for the #1 contendership.  I don’t know who wins, but I think it’s a safe bet that there will be SHENANNIGANS.  Finlay didn’t even deny Henry’s claim at all, so that’s all you need to know.

 

 

Ricky Ortiz Vs. Jon Davis

 

Oh look, speak of the shithead, and here he is!  Damn it, I jinxed myself!

 

Davis gets nowhere with this guy, as Ortiz unloads on his…black? ass (he looks like a bald midget Rock), leading to no wrestling holds whatsoever.  Shoulder block off the second turnbuckle, leading to The Big O (Big O, Big O!) for the victory.

 

Winner:  Ricky Ortiz

 

What Stood Out:  Ricky shaved.  Yeah that’s about it.  Oh also, he got his usual dose of silence.

 

 

Replay of a day that will live in infamy - last week, when Bourne legit busted his leg, and then finished the match.  So yeah, he’s a fucking trooper, which certainly contradicts his image, that looks like he takes it up the butt when he gets home from work.  Out at least 4 months, and might require surgery.  Boy, WWE, you sure do enjoy depressing me, don’t you?  Still, this sucks, but I’m sure you knew that already.

 

 

Uh oh, Lance Cade music REEEEE-mixmixmix!  Now you know Jack Swagger’s big time.  Also uh oh, someone gave this guy a microphone!  HIT THE DECK!  Swagger cuts a promo on Tommy Dreamer, going over Dreamer’s history in ECW.  God those are some huge teeth.  Apparently it’s prop night, as he uses a kendo stick to symbolize his historic beating from Sandman, and busts out the old ECW title to symbolize his microreign, before tossing the title in the nearest trashcan.  I’ll allow it, as he looks like Madusa without tits.  Finally, he shows a picture of Beulah (his wife if you’re retarded), and goes on to attack Dreamer’s family.  That’s all Dreamer can stands, and he can’t stands no more, as he rushes the ring to cane Swagger’s ass right out of the arena.  Jack takes a powder and we’re done here.  Three things of note.  One, looking past the lisp, the All-American American delivered with his promo tonight.  Two, good to know that at least some people in the arena know their history, as the references did get an errant cheer here and there.  Three, whenever I see a picture of Beulah, I really don’t feel sorry for how Tommy makes a living.  Not at all.  A quick Google search will make you agree with me, I can guarantee that.

 

 

Recap of Raw now, highlighting Jericho getting the title back.  I thought it was absolutely hilarious that Jericho basically had to KEEP HIMSELF from falling out of the doorway so Batista could get his lumbering behind over to grab him.  Oh, and if you didn’t know, WWE is in full panic mode with Raw’s ratings going into the sub-3’s.  Hey, as long as it gets the turkey plate off of Batista, I’m a happy camper.  Shame Jericho is going to get FU’ed into oblivion at Survivor Series.

 

 

Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas, #1 Contender’s Match for the ECW Championship

 

No, Striker, Finlay is not adorable.  He can’t clean himself, speak any language whatsoever, and brings nothing to the table.  He’s a small waste of space.  Luckily, Striker saves himself with a Wrestlemania 2 Susan St. James reference.  This man’s knowledge for the obscure knows no bounds.

 

Henry gets the power going early, with Finlay getting a few shots here and there.  DA BLACKNESS is too much for Finlay to handle, however.  The pace is set to “snail” for this one, as Finlay cannot get anything going outside of a couple punches here and there as we go into a commercial break.  Striker is also completely OWNING Tard Grisham on commentary to fill the void.

 

Striker:  “Well, Henry can bend a horseshoe straight, imagine what he can do for you.”

Grisham:  “Uh, well maybe he can bend you straight.  I-I’ve heard rumors…”

*deafening silence*

 

Yeah, a real rapist’s wit on that Grisham.

 

Back from break, Henry’s still working over Finlay, with just general strikes.  Though, Henry does hit a vicious sounding headbutt in the corner, so it’s not all boring.  Mark’s version of a resthold now, a wristlock, keeps Finlay down for a while longer, and this is getting ridiculous.  Yes, a guy gets his ass kicked for 10 minutes straight to all of a sudden sneak a win.  A totally believable #1 contender.  Oh, and the title match is for next week, because no way this crap’s getting on one of the big four PPVs.  Finlay finally gets his opening when Henry tanks a splash out of the corner, leading to Finlay hanging Henry out to dry on the top rope.  Of course, time for SHENANNIGANS.  Horny interferes, and Finlay sweeps Henry off his feet for two.  Horny then doesn’t leave, and tries to interfere some more.  DQ, what’s that?  This leads to Finlay getting driven into the steep post on the outside, and when Horny tries to protect him, Henry tries to splash the both of them.  This misses, the midget distracts, and Finlay scores with the stick shot to pick up the pin.

 

Winner:  Finlay

 

What Stood Out:  SLOOOOOOOW match.  Also, glad to see how Finlay proved Henry’s claims wrong, by using Hornswoggle and the stick to win.  He sure showed him!  Oh wait.

 

Finlay and Hornswoggle do the celebratory jig.  That just does not get old!  Because pain is eternal.  THE END.

 

 

Uppers:  A pretty fine-ass show tonight, with the opener and closer being pretty strong.  Also, Jack Swagger’s promo on Tommy Dreamer was actually pretty good.  If he can find a way to ditch that awful lisp, he might be going places.  Until then?  He’s a decent wrestling hairless ape with huge fucking teeth.  Yep.

 

Downers:     Only a couple things.  One, Ricky Ortiz still sucks.  Shocker, I know.  I was getting used to that walking mop not being anywhere near the ring.  Those were good times.  Also, I find it rather humorous that Henry made the claim earlier in the night that all Finlay does is use Hornswoggle and the stick to get all of his wins.  So what does Finlay do in the main event?  THE EXACT FUCKING THING.  Hey, I know Finlay is actually a damn good worker.  Shame this “Irish Eddie Guerrero” bullshit has to take center stage, because kids LOOOOOOVE Hornswoggle!  Truly, he is the bane of my existence.  The humorous part is that WWE KNOWS of this bullshit, but does nothing about it.  Oh wait, that’s not humorous.  That’s just tragic.

 

Overall:  A fine bouncing back from last week.  Once again, about half this show was wrestling.  Compare that to last night, where Raw was 3 hours long, and had at most 40 minutes of wrestling.  That would make Raw about 25% wrestling, and 75% totally pointless bullshit that makes me wonder why I still watch wrestling at all.  Thought I’d clear that up for you.

 

 

ECW Report, people.  You wanted it, you got it.  Unless you didn’t want it.  In that case, you got it anyway.  Like rape.  Yep, that’s how I’m going out tonight.  HAPPY ELECTION DAY!

 

(11/11/08)

 

Ahh, another week, another report.  Glad to see you back.  Have a beer, relax a little bit.  Especially if you’re not legal.  I have some wine coolers in the back, if you like  (To the FBI – DEAR GOD I’M JOKING).

 

Just one thing to gloss over real quick before we get to business, and that’s what everybody in the IWC loves – future endeavors!  Yeah yeah, I know that you’ve probably heard every opinion by now, so I’ll be quick.  Kenny Dykstra, Chuck Palumbo, and Lena Yada I could care less about.  Though, I know a couple of elderly women who are probably crushed to hear about Lena getting shitcanned.  London and Burke though?  Seriously, who are the geniuses that can’t think of anything for these guys to do?  It’s always frustrating to hear about great talent being criminally underused, and this is no exception.  We’ll miss you, black pope that never came to be.

 

 

After the obligatory sappy Veteran’s Day video package (and some pre-show main event hype for Hardy/Finlay), still standing here in…not the U.S.!  That’s all that matters to Vince.  London, if you’re going to be a jerk about it.  And since this show is taped, I already know what’s going to happen!  Spoilers ahoy:

 

Matches happen.  Someone wins, someone loses.  People talk.

 

…Hope I didn’t ruin your day.

 

John Morrison, The Miz, and Jack Swagger w/ Rage Against the Machine-like tunes Vs.

Cryme Tyme and Tommy Dreamer

 

Aw, isn’t that cute, Tommy participates in the phantom dice game Cryme Tyme does when they come out.  Don’t do it, Tommy!  You won’t have enough phantom money to pay the phantom rent!

 

Aaaaaanyway, Tommy chases Swagger out at the start, and goes off on the remaining heels, before tagging in JTG.  Swagger goes toe to toe with JTG before demanding he tag Tommy in.  So he tags in Shad, who cleans house, tossing all the heels to the outside, before gorilla (RACIST~!) pressing JTG onto Swagger, and Dreamer Cannonballing into Miz and Morrison as we go to break.  Lack of humor, you say?  How dare you.  This is serious shit right here.  Lives depend on this match, damn it!  Am I selling the sizzle too much?

 

Back from break, Morrison is working over JTG, who became victim of the dastardly “during the break heel comeback.”  Happens to the best of us.  Miz once again decides to forgo wrestling holds for the most part (though he did do a nice stroke-like maneuver, so he’s not totally a lost cause) to continue the hurt, until Swagger and Morrison take their turns.  A handful of fans try and rally for JTG, which Striker decides to go into Tony Schiavone level over-selling, saying his water is shaking from the on fire crowd.  Umm, yeah.  Morrison’s advantage is short lived, however, as his opponent is JUST TOO GANGSTA.  Things go to total shit soon after JTG makes a tag, with everybody hitting their finishers, until it’s just Dreamer and Morrison.  Dreamer goes for the DDT, but it’s countered into the Moonlight Drive for the pin.

 

Winner:  John Morrison, The Miz, and Jack Swagger

 

What Stood Out:  It was OK, I guess.  Got kind of a meh feeling from it all.  Got the crowd going a little bit, so these guys are coming into their own pretty nicely.  So, I can’t complain.  I can yawn, however.

 

 

Quick cut to Matt Hardy in the back now, who cuts a quickie promo on his match tonight.  Blah blah, Finlay’s Irish, and that’s about all I got out of this.  Sometimes I just cannot get past the Hardy southern drawl.  This goes to the SmackDown Vs. Raw 2009 simulation of the main event.  This simulation is instantly better because Finlay’s entrance has his old music (which was cut off in about a half of a second) and NO HORNSWOGGLE.  Still won’t be buying that game, but I already like it more just from those two reasons.

 

 

More Cena hype, this time focusing on his Raw Debut.  Man, with his dick getting sucked so many times, he’ll have no energy for his title match.  On second thought, KEEP IT UP WWE!  Suck, suck like a Hoover damn it!

 

 

Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs. Oliver Biney (Local Douchefag)

 

The White boy challenge returns!  Gee, I wonder how this one ends.  Punches, splashes, slams of the world’s strongest variety, win.

 

Winner:  Mark Henry

 

What Stood Out:  The jobber got his own name card.  That counts for something, right?

 

Post-bell, Tard Grisham gets in the ring to ask Mizark’s prediction of the main event tonight.  Henry just snarls and breathes heavy, before basically throwing his arms up and walking away, shaking his head.  Simply put, GOLD.  Mark does have a very subdued charisma.  It’s hidden under all that fat, so I don’t blame you if you missed it.  Oh, also it gave us the visual of tiny Tard being sandwiched between two hulking black men.  I’ve been to West Philly enough times to see that scenario.  It only ends badly for whitey.  One more thing before the break, we get the quick tale of the tape between Hardy and Finlay, even mentioning famous family members.  Come on, people!  Matt is related to Jeff Hardy!  You guys like him, right!  Like Matt too!

 

Finlay w/Hornswoggle Vs. Matt Hardy, ECW Championship Match

 

They are giving this one ass-loads of time, as they started the entrances and introductions at about 9:35 P.M.  They both get the in-ring introductions, with the crowd being split down the middle.  You’d think with Finlay being more of a hometown boy, he’d get the edge, but I blame it on Londoners realizing how much Hornswoggle sucks.  That’s it, I’m moving to England.  If it’s good enough for a heavily racist former member of the black KKK, it’s good enough for me!

 

As expected for a match that is going to occupy half the show, this one starts out EXTREMEly slow.  Both guys exchange some basic chain wrestling, that the announcers struggle to build excitement on.  The crowd, responds in kind with stunning silence.  Striker goofs and accidentally calls Finlay “Fit.”  Oh no, now people might realize he existed before WWE!  I guess the crowd gets bored, as they start with the dueling chants, and they get some decent noise going as well.  No complaints there.  Hardy then manages to toss Finlay out of the ring, with Horny crawling under the ring as we go to break.  Interesting.  But not really.

 

Back from break, Hornswoggle tries to distract Hardy, but fails.  Glorious.  Going for a quick Twist of Fate, Finlay pushes Hardy into the turnbuckle, which slings Horny off the steel steps and on the floor, where he acts injured (assuming it’s not legit, fucking wish it was though) and whines like a little baby.  Even more glorious.  Finlay then goes berserk for the next few minutes, mainly focusing his attack on the outside.  It’s like getting rid of that dead weight lets Finlay be himself!  Oh, and also, there is this fucking huge dude in the front row wearing a pink crown on his bald head.  And when I mean huge, I mean he had to buy an extra chair to seat him huge.  What was that about the U.S. having nothing but fatties?  After about 4 minutes of Finlay beating ass, we go to ANOTHER commercial break.  Seriously, I don’t need to know about “Chase” anymore!  I’m not watching Ricky Ortiz any more than I have to.

 

Assuming that was the last break, thank God.  Finlay is continuing his attack on Hardy, which has amounted to pretty much nothing but punches and kicks.  Hardy manages to sneak in two Side Effects, which score a two count each.  It’s a counter-fest now, with the Twist of Fate countered into a backslide, and trying it again, which was countered into Finlay’s front-rolling Samoan drop.  Tard calls it the Celtic Cross, which Striker quickly gets on his nuts about.  Plenty more back and forth now, with Finlay being down long enough for Matt Hardy to actually HIT a moonsault!  It’s a special moment!  Finlay then puts Hardy down, but then, just like that, a Twist of Fate OUTTA NOWHERE gets the victory.

 

Winner:  Matt Hardy

 

What Stood Out:  A pretty damn good match that got the crowd on their feet.  Well-paced (though the commercials essentially butt-fucked the amount of time you got to see) and good, albeit sudden, finish.  Neil seal of approval on this one.

 

Uppers:  What else could it be besides the main event?  It was pretty much the entire show.  Watch it, and like it.  Oh, and Hornswoggle going down still constantly amuses me. 

 

Downers:     The opener didn’t really do it for me.  Also, can we stop with the Cena hype yet?  Please?  At this point, it’s just taking away time on the show, that can be used for better things.  ECW’s half as long as the other shows, so Cena bullshit takes away more of the show than the others.  Leave the fellatio to Raw and SmackDown.  Plus, not like many people watch ECW anyway, so if it’s not there, who cares?  Really?  Me, that’s who.  And I don’t care for it taking up my show.

 

Overall:  Total one match show here.  Watch the main event, save yourself some time.  Other than that, skip this one.  UK shows are well known to be basically filler, so the lack of pretty much anything resembling a plot is expected.  Oh well.

 

 

Blah, what else can you say about this show?  ECW sure as hell didn’t give me much to work with this week.  Well, ‘till next week queefs.

SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

 

(11/18/08)

 

Oh, another taped show.  How wonderful.  Though, it does give me a few thoughts, going into it.  Mainly, they’re to be debuting a new FCW clone tonight.  I sure hope there’s something redeeming about this guy, seeing how they’re on a hot streak of crap.  Remember Gavin Spears?  Didn’t think so.

 

Only one thing I’d like to show you before we get into the goods.  Feast your eyes on this:

 

 

HO HO HOOOOOOOOOO YEAHHHHH~!  CHRISTMAS COMES EARLY, DIG IT!  There’s so many ways to laugh at that picture, but it all comes down to the same conclusion – God damn I am getting old.  Let’s get to it.

 

 

Still standing…somewhere.  Do you care?  Really?  Morrison and Miz come out to start us off, and commence to rant on their match at Survivor Series.  They go through each of their teammates, popping a few zingers along the way before putting them over.  Ha ha, JBL is fat, MVP loses a lot, and Kane looks like a walking penis.  After putting themselves over too, they move on to their opponents, getting all the obvious jokes in as well.  Rey is short, Cryme Tyme is black (ok not really), they don’t even note Khali, and HBK is old, and it’s time for him to pass the torch.  It was good stuff, but try telling the crowd that.  Felt like a fucking nuclear bomb went off in the arena.  Yes, they were that dead.  A perfectly good way to eat up 8 or so minutes.

 

 

DJ Gabriel w/ Alicia Fox Vs. Random Pin Monkey

 

OH MY GOD where do I start with this.  My eyes are screaming for vengeance right now.  First, guy looks like a cross between Shawn Stasiak and Alex Wright.  Next, I can get this guy’s gimmick is he’s a terrible dancer, but Jesus he is assaulting all of my senses.  This is all on his own, by the way.  Now let’s talk Alicia Fox.  She’s hot, so that’s a plus.  However…remember how she was the wedding planner from SmackDown!?  Striker does, and he tries to bullshit a reason why she’s gone from being involved with pretty much the top heel in the company to some generic retard that creative failed miserably at trying to make exciting instead of, say, giving Elijah something besides walking papers.

 

DJ goes with a body slam from the start, and starts working the arm of RPM.  This fucker is jacked, seriously.  I smell wellness looming!  Gabriel does more random crap before using his finisher, a European Uppercut off the middle rope.  Looked effective enough.

 

Winner:  DJ Gabriel

 

What Stood Out:  HO-LY SHIT.  Hornswoggle’s got himself some competition.  Actually, not really, because dancing Alicia Fox numbs the pain a little bit.  I’ll still scream to the heavens tonight why I had to recap that though.

 

 

Amateur Wrestling Challenge~!  Jack Swagger w/ an All-American Communist Band’s Song Vs. Tommy Dreamer w/ Music That Screams “I’m Jobbing”

 

Swagger’s got the gear on and everything.  Remember those boring high school wrestling matches you went to?  Yeah, this is about as exciting.  Swagger scores three basic takedowns on Dreamer with ease, then taunts Dreamer by taking the gear off.  Dreamer scores a takedown of his own, which is easily reversed, as Tommy grows increasingly pissed.  Swagger taunts some more, and Dreamer responds with the Greco-Roman boot to the gut.  Obviously…

 

Winner:  Jack Swagger (strikes are illegal, douche)

 

What Stood Out:  Points for variety, but once again the crickets were in full force for this one.

 

 

Hopefully, the last volley of John Cena fellatio.  What else can I say at this point?  Other than, thank God it’s over.  Moving on, NOW.

 

 

Backstage, Jack Swagger interrupts a little chat between Ricky Ortiz and Generic Blonde Tiffany.  Swagger is spot on, as usual, with telling how both of them are completely useless.  Before violence breaks out, Teddy Long pops-up to book an Extreme Rules match with Tommy and Jack.  Yay?

 

 

After recapping the matches for Survivor Series, Striker decides to hold class, using a blackboard with Team Orton and Team Batista’s respective rosters.  Basically, he explained how it might be tough for Batista to get at Orton Sunday.  This actually garnered boos from the crowd, for whatever reason.  Yeah!  Boo educated people!

 

 

Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas, Cody Rhodes, and William Regal w/o Layla (what gives?) Vs. Kofi Kingston, Finlay w/ Hornswoggle, and Matt Hardy w/o sound mind (he’s working with a bum knee, the dumbass)

 

Yep, the champ’s hurt.  ECW’s dropping like flies at this point.  Hey!  Just found out they’re in Atlanta.  Good for me, I give myself a gold star.  For those keeping track at home, the teams are based on the teams that are going to be at Survivor Series, with Orton and Batista.  So, if the teams seem random and pointless, well, add 2 more guys a side in a few days!

 

Faces get the advantage early, with Cody being the designated bitch to Finlay and Hardy.  Then, for seemingly no reason, Hardy pops Mark while he’s just standing on the apron.  Really, it seemed pointless.  Everybody hops into the ring now for a line dancing session  (at least I think so.  What else are they going to do?) as we go to break.

 

One commercial break and one do-si-do later, Kofi lets Rhodes tag out to Regal, and Kofi manages to get a tag to Finlay.  As to be expected from these two, Finlay and Regal proceed to take turns stiffing the fuck out of each other.  Regal eventually gets the advantage by throwing Finlay off the top rope to the floor.  After that, the bad guys take turns whooping on the Irishman, with Henry going Samoan with the nerve pinch.  Finlay battles back for a second, before Henry runs his ass over, and tags to Regal.  Finlay tries to Sunset Flip Regal, but Regal stops that shit with a painful looking headbutt.  After Regal dominates some more, he makes a fatal mistake by tagging to Cody “constant dead weight” Rhodes.  Cody is immediately clotheslined, which lets Finlay get the hot tag to Kofi.  After bitching Cody around some more, pretty much all hell breaks loose, with Hardy and Finlay going to the outside, and Henry getting a blind tag in.  Kofi tries to come off with the crossbody, but this is turned into the World’s Strongest Slam for the pin.

 

Winner:  Mark Henry, Cody Rhodes, and William Regal

 

What Stood Out:  Understandably so, Matt didn’t do much of anything this match.  Regardless, it was an OK way to blow 10-15 minutes.

 

The bad guys celebrate, and rightfully so.  I think.  THE END.

 

Uppers:  Eh, nothing really popped out at me tonight.  Ummm, let’s go with the opener and closer.  I usually do that anyway, right?

 

Downers:     Not too many winners tonight, but one huge loser comes to mind.  Dear God, the New Talent Initiative only exists to torture me at this point.  With few exceptions, all the fuckers getting called up from FCW are about as bland as can be while still being considered legal.  Why does DJ Gabriel exist?  WHY?

 

Overall:  Thumbs down on this show.  Dancing Alicia Fox helped things, but couldn’t save the black hole of DJ Gabriel from obliterating ECW off the face of the earth.  Shame, really.

 

 

Make the pain stop.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to drink away what I saw with that…that THING.  See you at the local detox ward!

SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY
 

(11/25/08)

 

You’ll have to forgive me, but I am more than a little bit pissed at the moment.  Essentially, I got a nice little Thanksgiving present before I go on a vacation to Ohio – some dickhole decided to rub up against my car, with their car.  So, yay possible body work when I can’t really afford it!  Truly, it is a day to give thanks.

 

Anyway, let’s move on to happier things, like WRESTLING!  Oh wait, that’s just as depressing.  Sorry, if you haven’t eaten a shotgun shell already.  While I can appreciate John Cena getting a little more of an edge to him, it’s still JOHN CENA.  Years of being Mr. Clean will do wonders to ruin any believability that you can be an edgy kind of character.  All the fans around you before hitting the ring being 10 years old doesn’t help either.  Jesus, what did he do, show up with wine coolers and candy?  On the brighter side, Edge’s beard is the stuff of legend.  Mike Knox might be feeling the heat a little bit at this point.  OK, time to get bored with ECW!

 

 

Still standing here in Providence!  Home of Family Guy!  In fiction!  And we get right into it with:

 

Tommy Dreamer Vs. Jack Swagger, Extreme Rules Match

 

Some amateur wrestling starts us off, with Swagger taking control early, until Dreamer busts out the good ol’ kendo stick.  So, the plunder gets tossed into play early, with Dreamer body slamming Swagger with a chair on his back.  Look, it’s hard to describe, but it was inventive.  Let’s leave it at that.  Swagger gets control for a bit with a whip into the steel post outside, but Dreamer gets right back to the ass-beating.  Swagger gets a desperation Northern Lights for two, as Lil’ Naitch referees I just noticed.  Guess that refs do all brands thing is in effect now.  Anything to save money (as opposed to say, firing worthless writers)!  Dreamer tries to bulldog into a wedged in the corner chair, but Swagger pushes him off – they’re both out as we go to break.

 

Back from break as we see Swagger drive Dreamers knee into the chair, and work the leg with the kendo stick.  Psychology in a hardcore match?  Well, I never!  Swagger now uses a chair-assisted single leg crab (I will give credit where it’s due, these two are trying to come up with some creative ways to use this crap) which Dreamer sells like all hell, until he grabs another kendo stick to repeatedly whack Swagger off.  Him.  Yeah, that didn’t sound right.  Swagger manages to get back on the attack, only to tank a Vader Bomb into a trashcan when Dreamer rolls out of the way.  Dreamer then uses the can for a Tree of Woe dropkick.  Dreamer busts out the table, and tunes Swagger up with some kendo stick shots, only to eat a Rock Bottom-esque move from Jack.  From here, it’s all Swagger, who drop toe holds Dreamer’s forehead into the back of the chair (which looked really painful), leading to the Doctor Bomb through the table for the win.

 

Winner:  Jack Swagger

 

What Stood Out:  Usually, when I get into real detail about the match, it’s because I like it.  This is the case for this match.  Very good shit, and the crowd agrees.  Seeing how this was the same crowd that was pretty much asleep last night, that deserves some accolade.  As long as you ignore how this show was probably taped before Raw last night.  Yeah, you didn’t need to know that.

 

 

Backstage now with Miz and Morrison, desperately trying to put over Survivor Series last night.  Yeah, not happening, fellas.  Boogeyman eventually interrupts, debuting some brand new teeth!  And boy, does he ever show them off.  Constantly.  This transfers to Matt Hardy selling the Jeff Hardy drama from Sunday, only to be interrupted by Jack Swagger, who’s itching for Hardy’s title.  You could say he’s SPOILING FOR A FIGHT.  God, did they overuse that shit last night or what?  Now, THIS transfers to Mark Henry doing the most dastardly of deeds.  Stealing candy from Hornswoggle!  THAT BASTARD.  Team blackness intimidates the little guy for a little bit before throwing the candy at him.  Now THAT’S how you eat up time with pointless bullshit!  Ugh.

 

 

DJ Gabriel w/ Alicia Fox Vs. New Random Pin Monkey

 

Man, that guy’s music is pretty porno-licious.  My kind of genre!  Still hate the guy though.

 

Pretty much what we saw last week. DJ dances, and hits various moves.  Though, of note, he busts out a Giant Swing.  When’s the last time you saw that?  After stunning him with a quick move, DJ hit’s the SHORYUKEN for the win.  That’s probably not what it’s called, but that’s what it looks like to me, God damn it.

 

Winner:  DJ Gabriel

 

What Stood Out:  When he does a Hadoken, that’s when I’ll be impressed.

 

Post-bell, Tard gets in the ring, and gets an interview with Alicia.  She tries (badly) to explain why she’s in this angle, and we get some more dancing.  The gist is she was MESMERIZED by DJ when she went overseas to get away from the Edge-Vickie bullshit.  Also, to further support the DJ Gabriel = Alex Wright theory, just listen to this guy talk.  Well, he did have a hell of a Wictory.  I PROMISE~!

 

 

Raw Recap here, along with DX shilling the holidays – in fact it’s the exact same thing they did last night.  Yay for MORE eating up of time!

 

 

Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs.  Finlay w/ Hornswoggle

 

The music, it is burned into my skull at this point.  Finlay’s old music was so much better.  But no, we get super happy funtime bullshit.  Yawn.

 

God this match is boring.  Mark Henry gets control early, and does something smart, by tossing the stick as far away from the ring as possible.  From there, it’s all Henry, even as Hornswoggle tries to distract.  As am I – Oh look, boobs.  I am able to take a piss break and Henry is STILL dominating.  Sleeper hold now, which I feel like I’m in, because damn if I’m not yawning like crazy here.  Finlay eventually escapes with a jawbreaker, and now it’s more back and forth.  Of course, since time’s almost up, time for Hornswoggle to get involved!  This causes Tony Atlas to get involved too, thank God.  From here, all hell breaks loose, as Finlay gets a new stick under the ring, Henry uses Horny as a meat shield, but all this gets him is a shot to the legs.  Tony tries to drag Horny away (later joined by Henry in the kidnapping attempt) only to get some shots himself.  Finlay eventually rescues Horny.  Yeah, at some point the match ended.  Could’ve fooled me since the bell never rang…

 

Winner:  NO ONE ON EARTH.  EVER.

 

What Stood Out:  Boy, haven’t seen this same crap weeks in a row now.  Thanks, ECW! You’re so original!

 

Again, bell never rang, so after Horny is rescued…THE END.

 

 

Uppers:  Opening match, opening match, OPENING MATCH.  Watch it.  And ignore pretty much everything else, because it only goes downhill from there.

 

Downers:     Three of a kind here – First and foremost, there was so much meaningless bullshit on this show that it boggles the mind.  Cutting all of that out would get time for another match…and boy with the other two matches, it was needed.  Bringing us to number two – DJ Gabriel.  Eh, sometimes you have to throw shit at the wall to see what sticks, right?  Finally, the main event was both ridiculously boring and the same thing I’ve seen from Finlay and Henry at least three times now.  I realize ECW’s roster is getting thin, but this is ridiculous, like women’s division ridiculous.

 

Overall:  Watch this show for the opening match, and go do something constructive for the other 45 mins – read a book, read a book, read a muthafuckin’ book!  I don’t know, I felt like putting that in.

 

 

Short-ish recap this week, as I am also getting ready for a family trip to Ohio for Thanksgiving.  Feedback is appreciated of course, but while you wait for me to return next week, go check out everyone else on the site.  Phenomenal stuff going on the site, let me tell you.  Later, hoes.

SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).