ECW 11.06.07

Joey tells us tonight is the continuation of the greatest rivalry since the rebirth of ECW (That’s the event where Paul Heyman was beaten half to death inside a garbage bag, raped of his ideas and had them rebirthed out of a bloody baboon uterus….yeah live with that one the rest of your lives). You know, not like it’s the ONLY rivalry since the rebirth of ECW but hey, who’s counting? We get a clip of in memory of Fabulous Moolah. What kind of cruel justice is it when Fabulous Moolah dies while the resurrected corpse of Mae Young continues to stalk the rookie roster? We get a recap o the Morrison/Punk saga minus that one guy. You know…um, what was his name again? It’s almost like he never existed….yummy yum yums.

Theme. Oh my God that’s horrible. Poor Gershon. And to celebrate the HARDCORE ECW…is a Smackdown superstar. Kane is here. As if we aren’t un-ECW enough we have his opponent, Mark Henry. Wow, way to sell your brand, completely nix them from the first match on the card. Nothing says EXTREME like jacking stars from the shows slightly less sucky than yours. Kane randomly looks like he was sniffing glue or something before he came out here.

Kane vs. Mark Henry

Kane tries to start off strong but Henry starts clubbing him around the ring. Wow for a second there I thought the special effects guy had started Morrison’s entrance early (that joke will never die). A power slam gets two for Henry. He stomps and follows with a scoop slam. Joey explains that to become the World’s Strongest Man, you have to…become the World’s Strongest Man. Taz goes on to tell us we could watch Feature Films on his back (Congo?). Haha, I guess that mean that Viscera’s multi-layered flesh could be a whole Cineplex. Kane starts to rally back and eventually catches Henry in the corner with a boot to the face. Kane comes off the top with a clothesline, sending Henry to the corner with an uppercut. Double clotheslines follow and Henry just cheap shots out. Henry lifts Kane but he slips out and goes for the choke slam. Henry escapes and then just kind of runs into his opponent. This makes Kane fall down in apparent confusion while Henry goes to get a chair. You know, the last time I was rain into by a fat black guy I don’t remember having the desire to helplessly lie still on my back and count the lights. Henry nails Kane in the stomach with the chair.

Winner: Kane

World’s Strongest Slam on the chair after the match. You suck chants echo through the arena. Who was Henry in the Monster Mash Battle Royal? King Kong? Oh yay a video “hyping” us for Layla vs. Kelly Squared. Yep can’t wait for that.

Random Commercial Thought: From the people who brought you countless loads of utter shit, After Dark Films presents 8 Films to Die For (If you try to sit through them).

Back to the show. Apparently someone dug Jimmy Hart out of the ground for the ticket sales to Wrestlemania. This year Wrestlemania is outside and I can only hope for heavy rain during the diva match I suppose.

Back to ringside with Jamie Noble. Joey tries to explain away the fact we haven’t seen a damn one of the ECW guys yet. And our first ECW representative is….Nunzio. God hates me.

Jamie Noble vs. Nunzio

Noble chain wrestles, but in my opinion he’d do better to leave the chain alone and wrestle his opponent. Nunzio tires to switch into a hammerlock and eats an elbow (part of this balanced breakfast). Noble nails a power slam for two to a big pop. Noble continues to lob heavy blows and scoops Nuncio up for another slam. He gets one pair of two counts before trying a headlock out (take a shot). Nunzio tries some kind of weak girly fighting to get up. Another headlock (take a shot), but this time Nunzio breaks free, causing Noble to trip up. Nunzio comes off the top with a bulldog for two. When he goes up top again, Noble knocks him down and shows CM Punk he isn’t the only person who can drop people from his shoulder to his knees, starting with a sambo suplex into a back breaker and following with a huge dropping gut buster.

Winner: Noble

Before we go to commercial we need to et a John Morrison video that totally didn’t rip off a single thing from the Doors. Nope. Follow this up with some Hell In the Cell footage ( I have yet to see Lucifer actually rise up out of the ring in one of these, but I suppose there’s a first time for everything). Random Commercial Thought: Yeah I remember every town having a huge butter tower standing around.

We get a very long 2nd_Coming video and I gotta wonder how many Japanese children just had seizures. Layla is here in the ring with The Miz who apparently learned his lesson to stay far far away from anything resembling a title belt if he wishes to keep what little practically non-existent heat he has. The Miz says he promised to make her life hell.

Layla w/ The Miz vs. Kelly Kelly

Layla attacks the begging Kelly. The way they are dressed this looks like Malibu Barbie vs. Trailer Ho Barbie. Layla slaps Kelly around quite a lot and for retarded reason a Kelly chant begins. Layla just beats on her for a little and pins her. Not even a move.

Just a pin.

Winner: Layla

Balls to the rescue! (Man that was awesome to get to say that). Miz has to hold off Layla who apparently has some sort of magnetic planarity to Balls. Actually, that might have been the other way around. Joey and Taz go back to Punk and Morrison because we haven’t heard about them in the last two seconds. Another CM Punk video about how he got his belt. Wow Punk really looked excited over that paperweight he got.

Random Commercial Thought: Flash Gordon amazingly never takes his clothes off.

Back to the show where we have to pimp Rey Mysterio some. We go back to ringside where Ghostbuster Elijah Burke (Who ya gonna call?) is set to take on Shannon Moore.

Shannon Moore vs. Elijah Burke

Shannon manages to gain the early advantage with a pinwheel kick a top rope suplex for two. Shannon forces him to the corner, but Elijah whips him into the corner and hit’s a huge uppercut. Burke starts to chokes Moore out on the ropes and jumps right through them on his next attack, landing in front of the table to trash talk the announcers. Elijah is forced to back off in the corner and Moore power back only to be scooped up and owned once again. Hang time elbow drop gets two. Elijah Express sews it up though. He ain’t afraid of no ghost!

Winner: Burke

They run a pretty darn good Fabulous Moolah package. Seriously though who the fuck told her she could get away with those glasses. I wonder if they allowed her to beat Freddy Krueger like in Freddy’s Dead.

Random Commercial Thought: Evil ever dies, it only sleeps…because evil is narcoleptic.

Back to the show where Miz wishes Morison good luck who mocks him losing horribly at Cyber Sunday and last week and he doesn’t even manage girls well (seriously he hasn’t even managed them into do hardcore sex, ass). For some reason we have to see a replay of the return of DX. What in the blue fuck is up with Randy Orton doing this ape knuckle pounding before the RKO. That’s even worse than tuning up the band considering he does it right in their face. We even get to see the segment that happened after the match as a WWE Mobile Exclusive, if by Exclusive you mean “On regular TV now”. Orton demanded Michaels can’t challenge for the title ever again nor win the match if he uses a Superkick at Survivor Series and he himself can’t be intentionally DQed without sacrificing his title. Regal agrees in that kind of bad ass British way. This all leads to a run down on the Survivor Series card. Hell in a Cell got it’s own theme that suspiciously sounded ripped off from Batman.

Sounds like a Guitar Hero game just booted up, must be John Morrison. Back to Survivor Series though: Who the fuck thought Edge should be allowed to wield a chainsaw?

Random Commercial Thought: I always hate these local commercials where they stick some random jackass in front of a green screen while some retarded graphic designer plays around with Sony Vegas in the background.

Back to the show. I know Punk’s only addiction is competition ( I wonder when he’ll build up a tolerance?), but I don’t think it wouldn’t hurt if he could be addicted just a little to looking less like an unbelievable chump in that get up.

ECW Champion CM Punk vs. John Morrison (ECW Title Match)

Side headlock (take a shot) and shoulder block from Morrison. Another shoulder block this time from Punk gets two. A scoop slam sets up for a sharp kick to the back, but when Punk tries to drag him up Morrison sends him into the corner. Punk barely puts on the break and tries to sunset flip Morrison who counters with a stomp to the head. Morrison manages to pick up a two count along the way (They’re just lying around on the ground). Morrison doesn’t the goofy old move of choking the opponent with his own arms. This one oddly works kids! Try it at home and watch your friends suddenly pass out.

Morrison braces with a knee in the back. Punk works to his feet and forces Morrison back to the corner, tossing him over his shoulder. Punk’s boot in the corner is caught but when Morrison tosses him to the apron Punk nails a kick to the jaw and a cross body for two. Morrison misses a wide right and a knee lift sends him down (which is actually the opposite of lifting). Punk continues to nail knee shots and Punk tries to come in with the Pepsi One but Morrison catches him with a boot in the face. Short kicks to the face knock Morrison down as Mi comes down the aisle. Pepsi One into the bulldog only picks up two. Morrison misses a springboard enziguiri. Punk tries a northern lights and Morrison escapes at two. Punk counters into a backslide but Morrison escapes only to be scooped into the GTS. The Miz is too distracting for Punk who gets rolled up, but Punk kicks out. Suddenly the shoe manages to be on the other foot when Miz distracts Morrison by throwing his hat in the ring. Punk rolls Morrison up from behind and gets the win.

Winner: Punk

Highlight of the Night: Jamie Noble’s gut buster was probably the coolest thing I’ve seen all night.

Lowlight of the Night: Oh boy just was ECW needs, pointless Divas now wrestling in pointless matches.

WWE “Creative” Award: Get the Miz right the fuck out of anything relating to a belt right now.