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ECW: The Next Generation
(November 2007 Archives.)

November 06, 2007
November 13, 2007
November 20, 2007
November 27, 2007


Wow you all got Gershon last night while tonight you receive me in all of my One Hour Format glory. This is kind of like Bizarro World only without the hideously disfigured twins. What the fuck was Bizarro Superman’s weakness anyway? Hot Pink Kryptonite? At any rate, while Gershon hopped into the WWE Delorian last night to go back to the 90’s, I’ll be treated to Punk/Morrison best 2 out of 17371910 matches. Also, I’ve just received word that ECW will be extended to two hours tonight in order to allow enough time for Morrison to wrestle the entire match in slow motion. And just think, they could have saved a ton of money by having the Great Khali do it without all the fancy special effects.

ECW 11.06.07

Joey tells us tonight is the continuation of the greatest rivalry since the rebirth of ECW (That’s the event where Paul Heyman was beaten half to death inside a garbage bag, raped of his ideas and had them rebirthed out of a bloody baboon uterus….yeah live with that one the rest of your lives). You know, not like it’s the ONLY rivalry since the rebirth of ECW but hey, who’s counting? We get a clip of in memory of Fabulous Moolah. What kind of cruel justice is it when Fabulous Moolah dies while the resurrected corpse of Mae Young continues to stalk the rookie roster? We get a recap o the Morrison/Punk saga minus that one guy. You know…um, what was his name again? It’s almost like he never existed….yummy yum yums.

Theme. Oh my God that’s horrible. Poor Gershon. And to celebrate the HARDCORE ECW…is a Smackdown superstar. Kane is here. As if we aren’t un-ECW enough we have his opponent, Mark Henry. Wow, way to sell your brand, completely nix them from the first match on the card. Nothing says EXTREME like jacking stars from the shows slightly less sucky than yours. Kane randomly looks like he was sniffing glue or something before he came out here.

Kane vs. Mark Henry

Kane tries to start off strong but Henry starts clubbing him around the ring. Wow for a second there I thought the special effects guy had started Morrison’s entrance early (that joke will never die). A power slam gets two for Henry. He stomps and follows with a scoop slam. Joey explains that to become the World’s Strongest Man, you have to…become the World’s Strongest Man. Taz goes on to tell us we could watch Feature Films on his back (Congo?). Haha, I guess that mean that Viscera’s multi-layered flesh could be a whole Cineplex. Kane starts to rally back and eventually catches Henry in the corner with a boot to the face. Kane comes off the top with a clothesline, sending Henry to the corner with an uppercut. Double clotheslines follow and Henry just cheap shots out. Henry lifts Kane but he slips out and goes for the choke slam. Henry escapes and then just kind of runs into his opponent. This makes Kane fall down in apparent confusion while Henry goes to get a chair. You know, the last time I was rain into by a fat black guy I don’t remember having the desire to helplessly lie still on my back and count the lights. Henry nails Kane in the stomach with the chair.

Winner: Kane

World’s Strongest Slam on the chair after the match. You suck chants echo through the arena. Who was Henry in the Monster Mash Battle Royal? King Kong? Oh yay a video “hyping” us for Layla vs. Kelly Squared. Yep can’t wait for that.

Random Commercial Thought: From the people who brought you countless loads of utter shit, After Dark Films presents 8 Films to Die For (If you try to sit through them).

Back to the show. Apparently someone dug Jimmy Hart out of the ground for the ticket sales to Wrestlemania. This year Wrestlemania is outside and I can only hope for heavy rain during the diva match I suppose.

Back to ringside with Jamie Noble. Joey tries to explain away the fact we haven’t seen a damn one of the ECW guys yet. And our first ECW representative is….Nunzio. God hates me.

Jamie Noble vs. Nunzio

Noble chain wrestles, but in my opinion he’d do better to leave the chain alone and wrestle his opponent. Nunzio tires to switch into a hammerlock and eats an elbow (part of this balanced breakfast). Noble nails a power slam for two to a big pop. Noble continues to lob heavy blows and scoops Nuncio up for another slam. He gets one pair of two counts before trying a headlock out (take a shot). Nunzio tries some kind of weak girly fighting to get up. Another headlock (take a shot), but this time Nunzio breaks free, causing Noble to trip up. Nunzio comes off the top with a bulldog for two. When he goes up top again, Noble knocks him down and shows CM Punk he isn’t the only person who can drop people from his shoulder to his knees, starting with a sambo suplex into a back breaker and following with a huge dropping gut buster.

Winner: Noble

Before we go to commercial we need to et a John Morrison video that totally didn’t rip off a single thing from the Doors. Nope. Follow this up with some Hell In the Cell footage ( I have yet to see Lucifer actually rise up out of the ring in one of these, but I suppose there’s a first time for everything). Random Commercial Thought: Yeah I remember every town having a huge butter tower standing around.

We get a very long 2nd_Coming video and I gotta wonder how many Japanese children just had seizures. Layla is here in the ring with The Miz who apparently learned his lesson to stay far far away from anything resembling a title belt if he wishes to keep what little practically non-existent heat he has. The Miz says he promised to make her life hell.

Layla w/ The Miz vs. Kelly Kelly

Layla attacks the begging Kelly. The way they are dressed this looks like Malibu Barbie vs. Trailer Ho Barbie. Layla slaps Kelly around quite a lot and for retarded reason a Kelly chant begins. Layla just beats on her for a little and pins her. Not even a move.

Just a pin.

Winner: Layla

Balls to the rescue! (Man that was awesome to get to say that). Miz has to hold off Layla who apparently has some sort of magnetic planarity to Balls. Actually, that might have been the other way around. Joey and Taz go back to Punk and Morrison because we haven’t heard about them in the last two seconds. Another CM Punk video about how he got his belt. Wow Punk really looked excited over that paperweight he got.

Random Commercial Thought: Flash Gordon amazingly never takes his clothes off.

Back to the show where we have to pimp Rey Mysterio some. We go back to ringside where Ghostbuster Elijah Burke (Who ya gonna call?) is set to take on Shannon Moore.

Shannon Moore vs. Elijah Burke

Shannon manages to gain the early advantage with a pinwheel kick a top rope suplex for two. Shannon forces him to the corner, but Elijah whips him into the corner and hit’s a huge uppercut. Burke starts to chokes Moore out on the ropes and jumps right through them on his next attack, landing in front of the table to trash talk the announcers. Elijah is forced to back off in the corner and Moore power back only to be scooped up and owned once again. Hang time elbow drop gets two. Elijah Express sews it up though. He ain’t afraid of no ghost!

Winner: Burke

They run a pretty darn good Fabulous Moolah package. Seriously though who the fuck told her she could get away with those glasses. I wonder if they allowed her to beat Freddy Krueger like in Freddy’s Dead.

Random Commercial Thought: Evil ever dies, it only sleeps…because evil is narcoleptic.

Back to the show where Miz wishes Morison good luck who mocks him losing horribly at Cyber Sunday and last week and he doesn’t even manage girls well (seriously he hasn’t even managed them into do hardcore sex, ass). For some reason we have to see a replay of the return of DX. What in the blue fuck is up with Randy Orton doing this ape knuckle pounding before the RKO. That’s even worse than tuning up the band considering he does it right in their face. We even get to see the segment that happened after the match as a WWE Mobile Exclusive, if by Exclusive you mean “On regular TV now”. Orton demanded Michaels can’t challenge for the title ever again nor win the match if he uses a Superkick at Survivor Series and he himself can’t be intentionally DQed without sacrificing his title. Regal agrees in that kind of bad ass British way. This all leads to a run down on the Survivor Series card. Hell in a Cell got it’s own theme that suspiciously sounded ripped off from Batman.

Sounds like a Guitar Hero game just booted up, must be John Morrison. Back to Survivor Series though: Who the fuck thought Edge should be allowed to wield a chainsaw?

Random Commercial Thought: I always hate these local commercials where they stick some random jackass in front of a green screen while some retarded graphic designer plays around with Sony Vegas in the background.

Back to the show. I know Punk’s only addiction is competition ( I wonder when he’ll build up a tolerance?), but I don’t think it wouldn’t hurt if he could be addicted just a little to looking less like an unbelievable chump in that get up.

ECW Champion CM Punk vs. John Morrison (ECW Title Match)

Side headlock (take a shot) and shoulder block from Morrison. Another shoulder block this time from Punk gets two. A scoop slam sets up for a sharp kick to the back, but when Punk tries to drag him up Morrison sends him into the corner. Punk barely puts on the break and tries to sunset flip Morrison who counters with a stomp to the head. Morrison manages to pick up a two count along the way (They’re just lying around on the ground). Morrison doesn’t the goofy old move of choking the opponent with his own arms. This one oddly works kids! Try it at home and watch your friends suddenly pass out.

Morrison braces with a knee in the back. Punk works to his feet and forces Morrison back to the corner, tossing him over his shoulder. Punk’s boot in the corner is caught but when Morrison tosses him to the apron Punk nails a kick to the jaw and a cross body for two. Morrison misses a wide right and a knee lift sends him down (which is actually the opposite of lifting). Punk continues to nail knee shots and Punk tries to come in with the Pepsi One but Morrison catches him with a boot in the face. Short kicks to the face knock Morrison down as Mi comes down the aisle. Pepsi One into the bulldog only picks up two. Morrison misses a springboard enziguiri. Punk tries a northern lights and Morrison escapes at two. Punk counters into a backslide but Morrison escapes only to be scooped into the GTS. The Miz is too distracting for Punk who gets rolled up, but Punk kicks out. Suddenly the shoe manages to be on the other foot when Miz distracts Morrison by throwing his hat in the ring. Punk rolls Morrison up from behind and gets the win.

Winner: Punk

Highlight of the Night: Jamie Noble’s gut buster was probably the coolest thing I’ve seen all night.

Lowlight of the Night: Oh boy just was ECW needs, pointless Divas now wrestling in pointless matches.

WWE “Creative” Award: Get the Miz right the fuck out of anything relating to a belt right now.

Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

Just got home from seeing Van Halen at Madison Square Garden.  Really great show and if you are thinking why would I spend money on that, well better some quality rock music than the show I am about to recap.  Also my hearing is significantly weaker than it was when the day started so I may not be able to hear all the brilliant commentary.
My heart is questioned and we are LIVE from Wichita, Kansas!  Cameron, are you there?  Out first are the Hardy Boys?  Then MVP and Mr. Kennedy (KENNEDY)?  Umm hello, what show is this?  Can we PLEASE just end the brand extension already?

The Hardys vs. MVP and Mr. Kennedy

Matt starts off with Kennedy executing offense and tags in Jeff who continues until missing in the corner and MVP tags in.  A vicious clothesline and a pin attempt but he doesn’t get three.  Kennedy tags back in and Hardy dodges a move and hits both with a dropkick.  MVP and Kennedy go outside and Jeff flies over the top into both guys.  Back inside, Matt tags in and rams Kennedy’s head into the turnbuckle a couple times and then Jeff tags back in.  Kennedy prevents a suplex and tags MVP back in who hits a drop toe hold and a kick to the face then we go to commercial.
Ahh the joys of prerecorded programming!  No commercials!  MVP has Jeff in a submission hold with his knee in the back and stretching the arms back.  Kennedy tags in and continues to wear down Jeff but eventually the hold is countered to a hip toss.  Matt tags in and hits an elbow from the second rope and the Side Effect and a close two count.  Jeff tags in and hits Poetry in Motion but misses the Swanton.  Kennedy goes for a quick pin but only gets two.  MVP tags back and locks in another submission.  Jeff tries to break it but MVP is able to maintain control.  He goes for a kick in the corner but misses and gets caught in the ropes.  He then tries for a suplex but Jeff counters.  MVP sends Jeff over the ropes and he’s on the apron.  Kennedy then knocks Jeff off the apron.  He gets thrown back in and MVP gets the pin.

Winners: MVP and Mr. Kennedy

Kennedy tries to take out Matt with a chair but MVP stops him and then apologizes to Matt about what happened to Jeff.  Joey is talking about how great the talent exchange is between Smackdown and ECW but last I checked two guys from the last match are on Raw.  Later tonight Jamie Noble faces CM Punk, which is based out of what happened on Smackdown last week.  Yeah I don’t watch it either.
Matt Striker is in the ring saying Big Titty V is not here tonight.  He’s getting fitted for new bras.  Actually he said he has a cold, is it a chest cold?  He goes on about V until Kane interrupts.  Matt requests that he walk away and Kane hits a big boot, sidewalk slam and choke slam.  He induces special effects in the ring and we go to the back where Michelle McCool is walking with Kelly Squared who are competing next.  Joy!

Michelle McCool and Kelly Kelly vs. Melina and Layla

This has potential to be really, really terrible.  Michelle starts off with an arm lock on Melina and then kicks Melina in the stomach.  Kelly tags in and they hit a double suplex, which was not executed well at all.  Melina takes over and tags in Layla.  Kelly ends up on the receiving end of being choked on the ropes before Melina tags back.  Kelly counters a suplex and Michelle tags back in.  Melina is able to take over and goes to the second rope but misses.  Michelle hits a roundhouse kick and gets the pin.  Should that be the McKick?

Winners: Michelle McCool and Kelly Kelly

After a commercial, the Miz joins the commentary table.  Good thing my hearing isn’t too good right now.  CM Punk is out followed by Noble for our main event.  The cryptic message is shown and well it’s really obvious now who and when it is.  John Morrison interrupts just as we’re about to start and also joins at the announce table.
ECW Champion CM Punk vs. Jamie Noble (Non title match)
Punk has a headlock and Noble counters to a front face lock and both men continue to alternate moves.  Punk then hits a dropkick to the head.  After Noble attempts a move, Punk comes back with a double-armed suplex into a backbreaker.  Noble again fights back and begins to focus on Punk’s left arm.  The champ finally breaks out and hits a suplex but Noble is able to keep control and works on the arm some more.  It keeps going back and forth with Punk hitting a powerslam then the Pepsi One and bulldog.  He then goes for a springboard clothesline but Noble does a great counter into an arm bar.  Punk rolls through it and goes for an enziguri from the top rope but Noble counters it to a pin and only gets two.  Punk then hits the Nyquil and gets the pin.

Winner: CM Punk

Morrison and Miz hit the ring and attack Punk and try to one up each other with their finishing moves.  They argue with each other as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: Main event was a decent match.
Not So Extreme Moment: The brand extension is dead just bury it already!
You know the drill, go read the Fan and get your funny on.  On that note, I’m gonna try to get my hearing back.  Now hit my music!

Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

Well guess what, this is my second to last column.  Unlike the several months of “can you break the code?” I am throwing it right in your face when you least expect it.  So here’s the deal on how my replacement will be found.  This next part may or may not be cut and pasted from the TWF Forum:
That's right people, I am giving up my highly coveted (WTF?) position as ECW Recapper Extraordinaire. Now being that I am the only person who ever recapped this current show Sean has given me the privilege of choosing my replacement. Either that or he's just lazy as hell.

So here’s what you have to do.  Write a recap of this week's episode of ECW (the entire episode is on WWE.com). Also include a short paragraph as to why you think you should get this opportunity. The deadline for submissions is Sunday, November 25th. Any that I receive after then don't count.

Here are some suggestions for what I am looking for:

1) Be funny, but not by using shock humor. Cheap gags are OK if used sparingly.

2) Give good detail of a match but it doesn't have to be blow by blow (you could OD from all that blow).

3) Feel free to use my format, but it is highly encouraged for you to create your own. Your own little quirks are also highly encouraged (such as the fake gimmick matches I used to use before they got repetitive because the same guys were wrestling every other week).

4) Be funny

5) Good spelling and grammar are EXTREMELY important (pun sort of intended). I go through the effort of proofreading my material before I send it, and so should you.

6) Avoid complaining about how crappy the show is too much. We all know it sucks, that's why you read my column instead of watching the damn thing.

7) Did I mention be funny?

This rigorous decision process (i.e. me sitting around in my underwear reading your entries) begins immediately. It will work best if you send your recap in an e-mail with the subject “ECW Recap Entry”. Consider this like Paul Heyman if he passed ECW on to Tommy Dreamer or Rob Van Dam instead of Vince McMahon. That will be the ultimate criteria, who can keep this sinking ship afloat most effectively? Oh and this is a given, you must be able to submit the column every Tuesday night each week to Sean. So if you can't make the commitment, don't enter.

That's it. Best of luck to all who enter. Feel free to ask any questions if you got them. I will be announcing the umm, winner next week.  Now let’s get to the show.  By the way, I am visiting my parents tonight so I am typing this LIVE from Gaithersburg, Maryland.
My heart is questioned and we are LIVE from Tampa, Florida.  Our champion CM Punk is out first.  You know I heard he broke up with Maria, dude I’ve been praising you for a while now can I have her number?  Some highlights from the title match at Survivor Series are shown and then we meet Punk’s opponent.  KENNY!!!
ECW Champion CM Punk vs. Kenny Dykstra (Non title match)
Punk hits a snap suplex and puts on an arm bar before hitting a double armed underhook backbreaker.  He goes for the Nyquil but Kenny breaks out and hits a few elbows before putting on an Orton Lock.  Punk breaks out with a jawbreaker (they should rename that move the Everlasting Gobstopper) but Kenny is able to keep control and puts on another Orton Lock.  Punk tries to roll out of it but Kenny holds on.  He puts Punk on the top rope and goes for a superplex but Punk counters and knocks him off.  He hits a flying cross body and gets a two count.  In the corner he gets a springboard clothesline then in the opposite he gets the Pepsi One but Kenny blocks the bulldog and rams Punk into the post.  He goes to the top but Punk drops him on his cash and prizes then picks him up for the Nyquil and gets the pin.
Winner: CM Punk
Footage is shown from last week of Matt Striker being the worm in the teacher’s apple and it must have been a Big Red Delicious because the Big Red Machine got involved.  Later tonight Kane faces both Striker and Big Titty V in a handicapped match.
After a commercial, Elijah Burke claims he will change the face of the show again.  He brings out Shelton Benjamin who apparently is officially part of the ECW roster.  OK what the hell.  I make the choice to give this column up and the show actually becomes sort of watchable?  He’ll be facing Tommy Dreamer.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Shelton Benjamin w/ Elijah Burke
Shelton starts off very aggressively with punches and kicks and puts on a head vice before throwing Tommy to the corner.  He hits a snap backbreaker and gets a two count.  Dreamer fights back with some punches and a bulldog.  He goes for the second rope but misses.  Benjamin hits an impressive facebuster type move where he caught some major air time and gets the three.  Umm let’s call that the Shell Shock, whatever you do better.  This column could be yours!
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
Commercial passes and Deuce and Domino are facing Jesse and Festus while Miz and Morrison are on commentary.  Well so much for this being a good show.
Deuce and Domino w/ Cherry vs. Jesse and Festus w/ biscuits and gravy
Jesse gets an arm drag on umm, one of the opponents.  I don’t watch Smackdown so I don’t know which is which.  Oh it’s Domino and he moved out of the way from a top rope move.  He tries to keep him away from tagging but can’t and Festus tags in.  He hits a big boot and then tags out and slams Jesse on top for the pin.
Winners: Jesse and Festus
Coming up next is an exclusive argument that occurred between Kelly Squared and Layla last week after the show.  Why can’t Jericho show up and save us from THIS?
Kevin Thorn shows up sporting a new look.  Shorter hair and RVD style tights.  Unfortunately he’s facing Nunzio for about the millionth time.
Kevin Thorn vs. Nunzio
Thorn hits a flapjack then holds Nunzio on his shoulder then drops.  He hits Original Sin then calls it a night (he needs to go to sleep before the sun comes up, don’t you know).
Winner: Kevin Thorn
They show the footage of Kelly and Layla which is just them pushing each other in the back and then throwing milk and sugar on each other.  COFFEEFIGHT!!!
Ric Flair will be on Raw next Monday.  Great I got to see his boobs before the main event.  Layla comes out and says what she is thankful for which is mostly why she’s better than Kelly and it leads to a food fight.  Next week they’ll be wrestling.  Oh thanks for the great sendoff you bastards!
They show the footage of Jericho from last night which was great.  Striker and V come out and I said to my Dad he better stop eating.  Of course that could be for two reasons.  One, so he doesn’t turn into him or two, because he’ll lose his appetite.  Kane is next and we are unwillingly ready for our main event.
Kane vs. Big Daddy V and Matt Striker (Handicapped Match, which is appropriate since I feel retarded right now)
Kane quickly hits a big boot on Striker and goes for a chokeslam.  V interferes and Kane tries for the double chokeslam but obviously does not work.  V breaks it and hits a sidewalk slam.  V is on top of Kane while Striker dropkicks Kane in the head.  He then splashes him in the corner.  Striker goes for a pin but gets two.  Kane fights back but V prevents it from lasting.  They go for a double clothesline but Kane dodges and hits both men.  He goes to the top and takes V down with a clothesline.  He then takes him out of the ring with a boot and chokeslams Striker and gets the pin.
Winner: Kane
V squashes Kane and we mercifully go off the air.  And what better way for WWE to wish us a happy Thanksgiving than with two humongous servings of dark meat?
Extreme Moment: Shelton Benjamin on ECW, not too shabby and finally might get a modest push.
Not So Extreme Moment: Kelly and Layla make me lose my appetite.
OK you’ve got 5 days, get crackin’ people!  I look forward to reading your entries.  Can’t be worse than watching the show.  Now hit my music!

Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

I want to thank all of you who submitted entries to replace me and well you all sucked and I have to keep on doing this damn thing.  Seriously, I haven’t yet chosen who it will be as I haven’t had time to read all the entries yet.  I will be making my choice by Friday and the winner(?) will be notified by e-mail and you’ll see this person live and in living color (unless they aren’t a member of the Wayans family or Jim Carrey).  So let’s get to it before I start getting emotional (meaning deliriously happy that this is the last time I have to ever watch this show).
Before tonight’s show they were showing “The Scorpion King”.  Ahh the memories of the Rock’s first starring role that led to him permanently leaving WWE.  My heart is questioned and we are LIVE from Roanoke, Virginia.  For my last night, my lunch is pretty much lost because we have a divas match first.  I’d ask what else is on but I taped the show tonight.

Kelly Kelly vs. Layla

Layla chokes Kelly on the ropes but then misses a dropkick.  Kelly starts taking control but Layla drops her on the middle turnbuckle.  Suddenly Balls shows up which distracts and Kelly does a move with flips similar to the move Chyna used to do except she completely fucked it up.  Like so badly there was about 10 seconds of confusion before she did a flip and held Layla’s legs up so she could eat her out, I mean pin.

Winner: Kelly Kelly

Later tonight Kane faces Big Titty V.  Up next the tag champs are in for some biscuits and gravy.  Did I mention these are the SMACKDOWN tag titles?

WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison and the Miz vs. Jesse and Festus (I think non title)

The bell rings and Festus tards up.  He must be excited for his dinner of beans, which he likes with ketchup (random literature references FTW).  Morrison starts off with Jesse who gets John in a hurricane-rana and then tags in Festus.  Morrison gets decked with a clothesline and splash.  Jesse tags in and Festus slams him on top but he only gets two.  Miz tags in and Jesse hits a nice enzugiri.  As the match continues I noticed whoever replaces me has to recap this show on Thursday.  I don’t even want to know what all-important programming is causing this.  USA usually has dog shows, what is this, an alien show?  Jesse prevents interference and does a double hurricane-rana on both guys then Festus double clotheslines them over the top before Jesse jumps on top of them from the top rope onto the floor.  We skip over the commercial and Miz has Jesse in a rest hold then tags out to Morrison who jumps over the top and drops an elbow.  He puts on an Orton Lock and though Jesse tries to break out, he can’t.  Miz and Morrison alternate tags and continue to wear down Jesse.  He manages to dodge a doubleteam and finally tags Festus who goes crazy on the tag champs.  Miz gets hit with a fallaway slam and nearly gets pinned after a catapult forearm.  When Festus distracts the ref, Miz snaps Jesse’s head on the ropes and Miz is able to get the pin.

Winners: John Morrison and the Miz

After the Smackdown Rebound where I get nauseated by Vickie Guerrero and Edge kissing, Elijah Burke introduces Shelton Benjamin.  He says he came to ECW not to make friends but to raise the bar because it’s only a matter of time before he’s champion.  He does an almost ridiculous impression of his intro line and after a commercial he’ll be in action.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Shannon Moore

Shelton pretty much dominates this match with a couple of suplexes and a submission hold.  Shannon tries to fight back with a spin kick but Shelton ends it with some kind of DDT.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin

CM Punk got used on Smackdown so he won’t be appearing for my final episode.  And now this for the main event, which will be contested under EXTREME RULES!

Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker vs. Kane

Kane tries to take his opponent down but can’t do it because, well because he’s so damn fat.  Striker grabs a kendo stick from under the ring and Kane steals it and hits V with it but ends up on the wrong end of a belly to belly suplex (there’s a joke there somewhere).  Both men end up on the outside and Kane rams V’s head into the hollow steps but while he searches for weapons, V throws him into the steps and hits him with a street sign.  V grabs a chair but stupidly holds it backwards allowing Kane to kick it in his face.  He then hits a clothesline from the second rope.  Kane then sets up the chair over V’s neck and is about to go to the top but V removes it and knocks Kane to the floor.  Striker pulls out a table and puts it in the ring.  V props it up in the corner and leans Kane on it before colliding with him, which breaks the table in half.  Surprisingly there is an ECW chant and Kane manages to kick out.  Striker gets another table and V sets it up in the middle of the ring.  Kane fights back and hits V with the kendo stick and garbage can and is about to go for a chokeslam but Mark Henry interferes.  They doubleteam him and splash into him like the way a con-chair-to is.  I guess you could call that “fat-ulence” or something.  They both pick up Kane and throw him through a table, which allows for an easy pin.

Winner: Big Daddy V

Both men stand umm, fat as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: The tag match was pretty good, umm yeah that’s all I can say about it.
Not So Extreme Moment: Kelly Squared reminds us why she is as useless as condoms purchased at Goodwill.  Very fitting she wins this award once again as she won it my first time recapping this show too.
Well this is it.  I want to thank Sean for this opportunity for the last year and a half and to Cameron for the occasional fill in and for giving me a shot to write for this site in the first place.  Also thanks to all of you who read my column as your support is what kept me going as long as I did.  If you have any parting comments, please send them along via e-mail.  I wish best of luck to my successor and look forward to seeing what happens with the future of this column.  Now, for one last time, hit my music!

Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).