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ECW: The Next Generation
(November 2006 Archives.)

November 07, 2006
November 14, 2006
November 21, 2006
November 28, 2006

Welcome to the ECW Recap. I know you probably all missed me last night, but it seems Gersh was set on getting himself trashed tonight so he actually switched with me to get me to cover this hour of ACTION…..yeah who are we kidding? Anyway I’ve been drafted to do this so let’s get this show on the road.
ECW 11.07.06
Okay, so the show starts us off with a recap of last night and we find out that Gorillas carry pipes. That’s some handy information. Theme music and acid induced opening footage brings us to the show. Tonight Dreamer and Test are going to go at it for the chance at getting in the chamber as well as Punk and Knox. Punk (Part Time Ghost Hunter) is on his way out oddly minus his fellow Straight Edge, Casper. Kelly^2 comes out with Mike Knox and she keeps waving to Punk so Mike takes a page from the boys in the hood. “Started talkin’ shit! Wouldn’t you know? I reached back like a pimp and I slapped the ho.” Well okay, he just sends her back but that would have been cooler.
Mike Knox vs. CM Punk (Extreme Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
Mike trashes Punk and turns around allowing CM to get a rollup on him for two. Mike pins him up in the corner and lands a shot to the EAR. Oh God! Crowd rallies for Punk who goes on the offensive with a dropkick for two. His cross body gets another close fall. Foreams shot are called off by the ref in the corner and Knox decks him flat for a beat down. Punk sells….well if you can call spasming like you’re having a seizure selling. Punk gives us whatever the hell his tarantula is called which show his crotch way more than I needed. Mike gets sent to the floor to recover.
Back in the ring Punk tries an Oklahoma roll for two which if anyone has played Legends of Wrestling knows it is Andy Koffman’s best move. Punk goes up top for some reason and Mike just grabs his shorts to slam him down for two. Punk escapes a backbreaker submission with knees to the chin, but Mike flattens him with a big boot for two. It’s like watching a Snitsky match…. Knox hit’s a sleeper on Punk that Taz retardedly calls a Rear Naked Choke. He actually gets corrected on this two. Mike slams CM Punk down hard but only scores two. He gets pissed before charging at Punk in the corner. He misses and Punk’s kicks starts shutting him down. Punk does a weakass Karate showcase and finally hits his Jujutsu take down. Mike does to the corner and hit’s the knee to the face, but when he goes for the sweep again, Mike counter into a clothesline backbreaker for two.
Mike sends Punk to the corner and sets him up for a superplex, but Knox gets pushed off and hit with a cross body for two. This time Punk goes for the “Muay Thai” combo which actually isn’t even the correct martial art, but whatever. He hit’s the Uranagi and the submission for the win.
Winner: CM Punk
They tell us Heyman has a huge announcement coming up next as we skip off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: why are SciFi commercials so fucking retarded?
Back to the show. They show Elijah Burke and some other guy who’s name I couldn’t really understand between our mumbling interviewer and Pickyninny voiced Elijah.
Heyman strolls on out even sporting his own Vince McMahon swagger and suit. Jeez why don’t we just print “Vince McMahon 2.0” in huge letters on his back? He runs his Monkey Business montage. He makes a tag team match between RVD & Holly and Big Show and himself. That’s only after his record speaker seems to get stuck on the word “obstacle” though. He talks about possibly getting himself beat down tonight and says that tonight five of the six participants will be secured and next week the sixth participant will be named. Anyone from ECW…and then he opens it to Raw and Smackdown as well, anyone who craves success like a prostitute (I think whores have given up that sort of thing by then) can get the open contract. He plays with his monkey head like Yorik’s skull as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Monkeeeeeeeey!
Back to the show. They talk about CM Punk’s investigation of the Stanley hotel (That’s the hotel from the Shining). Nunzio and…uh Nunzio’s bitch are in the ring waiting on Daivari and The Great Kali. It looks like a giant showed up at a midget convention. Kali intimidates Nunzio or rather Guido until Daivari calls him off.
Little Guido w/ That bitch whose name I’ve forgotten vs. Daivari w/ The Great Kali
Daivari gets attacked from behind and Guido takes him to the cleaner until Daivari slingshots him off the ropes and slams him down to the mat. Daivari rakes the eyes on the ropes, but Guido rolls him up for two. Daivari tries to get a two count of his own, but Guido kicks out only to find himself eating turnbuckle and some more fingernails. Daivari runs into an elbow to the face and a sloppy dropkick picks up two for Guido.  An acrobatic exchange follows until Daivari catches him out of the corner in a crazy ass one armed DDT that I guess I’ll call the WMDDT since Hassan isn’t here to use it.
Winner: Daivari
After the match Kali double choke bombs Guido and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Okay, that Horrorfest looks fucking awesome.
Back to the show. They show A Cena montage of clips and then we get Test and the perpetual punching bag of Tommy Dreamer. A Dreamer match without a Shinai? What the fuck?
Test vs. Tommy Dreamer (Extreme Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
Test pushes Dreamer to the corner for crushing back elbows. He looks like he’s about to sodomize him until Dreamer clotheslines him over the ropes to the floor.  Test gets up and bear hugs dreamer to ram him back first into the ring post. He picks up a one count back in the ring. Test puts on an arm bar, but Dreamer escapes only to bend down in front of test. Jeez could this match get any gayer looking? Test kicks him back down and uses a chinlock. He tries the Pump handle Slam, but Dreamer hit’s a huge neck breaker. Dreamer fires up and hit’s a big punch combo only to get caught by a back elbow. Huge ass spine buster scores two for Dreamer.
Dreamer sets up and gets intense, or constipated it’s hard to tell. Looks to be a DDT attempt, but Test just runs away and grabs the ropes. He back kicks into a low blow behind the ref’s back and hit’s the Test Run and Test Drive for three.
Winner: Test
They pimp our main event as we recede into the shadows of commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: You’d think a commercial for something called Gears of War would feature a gear or something.
Back to the show. ECW uses up its entire pyro budget for RVD’s entrance as we get ready for our main event. Holly, Show and Heyman follow out before we duck right back out for more commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Ah the magic of Guitar Heroes 2. Only when playing that game can you look even lamer than when doing Air Guitar and still have fun.
Paul Heyman & ECW Champion The Big Show vs. Rob Van Dam & Bob Holly
The Match is underway and Heyman and RVD just sort of stare at each other from across the ring. Show tells him he’ll never be a champion….since you know that last reign didn’t happen at all. RVD gets pissed probably because he’s fried enough to believe Show changed the past. He goes all out on Show, leaving him rocking until Show goes for a clothesline. Rob ducks the clothesline and leaps at Heyman, attack him like a box of one dozen starving crazed weasels. Show has to pull him off and goes about the slow lumbering offense of hugs slaps while Heyman dances about on the apron like rocky Balboa.
Show continues to stalk RVD around until Rob kicks him then springboard off the ropes into a back kick. He tries to go get a tag, but Big Show shuts him down and chokes RVD out on the ground. We get some more chest slapping. Oddly enough the crowd rallies for Holly…wow they must be desperate. Heyman screams at the ref to stop Holly from protecting RVD when he gets tossed to the floor then Show distracts the ref while the guards beat him down. Holly tries to come back again, but they immediately pull away for the ref to catch holly over there again. Back in the ring Rob gets power slammed, followed by a big elbow for two.
Rob starts fighting back with right and bounces off the ropes right into a clothesline. Show chuckles like fucking Jimmy Durante before dragging Rob back up. Holly has to be pushed back by the ref. Big Show hit’s a clothesline on RVD that flips him entirely over….well okay he actually hits WAY higher than Rob’s head, but I assume it must have been the force of the wind displaced by Show’s arm that did it then. Show restrains Rob to let him get in free shots. Rob kicks Heyman in the face and dives to a corner. He fights back out of the corner on Show but a clothesline crushes him for like the sixth time. DUCK YOU MORON!
Show chokes Rob out in the corner while taunting the crowd. Is this a tag match? The crowd rallies for rob while Show misses a huge corner charge. Rob wobble out and comes in with a spin kick like a drunken master. Show tires a running boot and hangs himself up on the top rope instead when Rob finally figures out how to duck. Rob crawls for the corner, but Show grabs him up. Show tries to choke slam only to get countered into a DDT. Holly finally tags in and stomps Rob’s ass into the ground. Her power slams him and then leaves the ring to grab a chair.  Bob hit’s the Alabama slam on the chair while the ref decides not to call a DQ. Show bounces off the ropes into a body splash at which point the ref finally calls for the DQ.
Winners: Er, I’m not sure. If Bob was disqualified for using a chair on his own teammate that would mean Heyman and Show win by disqualification.
Heyman shakes hands with Holly and they rerun what we just saw two seconds ago. The trio celebrates as they talk about Holly possibly selling his soul for a shot at the chamber and accusing Bob of drinking Heyman’s Koolaide (the fuck?) as the show goes off the air.
Most Extreme Moment: Pretty weak show, but Daivari is always fun to watch so I’m tossing it his way for a cool finishing move.
Not So Extreme Moment: I wait the whole match for a tag that only turns Holly heel….again. So anti-climactic it makes your brain hurt.
That’s it for this week. Next week expect everyone to hopefully be back on their own shows for once.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Remind me to NEVER cover Monday Night Raw ever again!  I get invited to a party, don’t even get drunk (I thought jello shots were supposed to get you wasted) and even worse when I covered for Cameron I have to watch that fat stripper guy who I believe is a member of WWE Creative.  Back to my mere one hour of pain…
We start off with highlights of last week’s main event and for a second I was trying to figure out why I don’t remember it.  Duh, I didn’t watch it!  This featured Holly’s heel turn which I know everyone was hoping for [/sarcasm].  The bawdies hit the flow and we are in Manchester in the UK which is obviously pre-recorded since that’s where Raw was last night (not to mention the Raw stage being there).  Elijah Burke is filling in for the injured Tazz tonight and hopefully it’ll be “not for nothing”.  Big Show’s music hits and he enters trying to look like the Rock with a black shirt and sunglasses.  Heyman is with him and he gets on the microphone to deliver good and bad news.  Bad news is RVD will not be in the UK tonight, which is bad news because they’ve used that line a billion times and they used it again.  The good news is he gets the privilege to introduce the most dominant superstar who will lead his team to victory at Survivor Series.  He then mentions the Extreme Elimination Chamber and the fact the 6th participant has yet to be decided.  He then introduces Hardcore Holly who gets annihilated by Wayne Brady…err I mean Bobby Lashley (I was just watching Whose Line Is It Anyway so I got confused).  Lashley comes to the ring, spears Show on the outside and signs the contract.  OK I’ll admit it, nice swerve there.  Hey the fact Holly isn’t in it makes just about anyone better.
Commercial Comment:  Something very odd about seeing TNA commercials during a WWE show.  That’s obviously due to local advertising.
Backstage Heyman is explaining to Show, Test and Holly that he wanted the signing to look legit which is why he made it an open invite.  He then makes a match of Lashley vs. Holly for the main event tonight.  CM Punk makes his entrance followed by Mike Knox with Kelly Squared.
CM Punk vs. Mike Knox w/ Kelly Squared (Punk for Bimbos Match)
Punk starts off with a suplex and a pin attempt but only gets two.  Knox goes to the outside and Punk comes outside and kicks Knox into Kelly.  Punk checked to see if she was OK and Knox levels him.  Back inside as a big CM Punk chants starts, Knox hits a big suplex followed by a monkey flip into the turnbuckle followed by a dropkick.  Punk kicks out of Knox’ pin attempt and locks in a Boston crab (Manchester crab as Styles calls it).  Punk pulls himself to the ropes and Knox continues to beat him down with a series of punches.  Knox goes for another suplex but Punk counters it and knocks Knox down with a spinning leg lariat.  He then hits a springboard dropkick.  Knox goes outside and Punk hits a real nice suicide dive.  Back inside Punk hits a clothesline from the top rope, then from the corner delivers a bulldog (British bulldog?).  Knox manages to come back and hits a back breaker.  Punk comes back hits his series of punches and kicks, the Urinagi and Anaconda Vice for the submission victory.
Winner: CM Punk
Back to the show and William Regal’s old music is played before we go to Matt Striker wearing a horrendous tie that looks like a #2 pencil.  He gives some of his favorite historical quotes and then says the Extreme Elimination Chamber’s participants better be prepared and cuts to a highlight package of previous matches.  I guess the previous versions of this aren’t extreme?  CM Punk is then being interviewed and congratulates Lashley as he looks forward to his title shot because it’s every man for himself.  Good thing Holly isn’t in it because he takes that expression a little too seriously.
After another commercial Daivari enters with Khali and Styles continues to use British expressions as he says “Blimey!”  I think he was referring to how fugly Khali is.  Tommy Dreamer then makes his entrance.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Daivari w/ Great Khali (The Innovator of ALAYEEAHHHHHH Match)
Daivari is on the receiving end of a fall away slam followed by several kicks in the corner.  Dreamer then gets hit with a dropkick to the knee.  Daivari then continues to work on the knee.  He goes to the top but goes splat.  Dreamer tries to take control but Khali interferes by pulling Tommy into the steel post.
Winner by DQ: Tommy Dreamer
Khali hits Dreamer with a huge power bomb and we go to commercial…again.
Big Show, Test and Heyman are at ringside and as Lashley’s music hits I notice on his video it says “soft spoken”.  Yeah that’s a real good way to show off your toughness.  Oh he’s so tough in the ring, but he’s really just a big teddy bear (as opposed to Terkay being the Man Bear as Burke said).  Holly’s music then hits and I almost couldn’t even tell the difference between their themes.
Bobby Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly (Battle of the Bobs)
Lashley clobbers Holly with a clothesline in the corner followed by a few shoulder throws.  He then picks up Holly for a long time and even holds him with just one arm and hits a suplex.  Holly goes to the outside and Lashley follows him and gets thrown into the steps.  Back inside, Holly tries to keep control but Lashley slams him.  Holly is able to come back and hits a slam of his own before putting on an Orton lock.  Lashley stands up but Holly is able to stay on the offensive (as if his backstage antics weren’t already).  Holly goes to the top but jumps right into Lashley’s boot.  After a few elbows and a clothesline, Lashley picks up Holly in a torture rack and then drops to his knees.  After a pin attempt, he goes to the top and Holly hits the ropes so Lashley falls right on his cash and prizes.  Holly gets a superplex and only manages a count of two.  Holly then goes to the top rope again and gets caught into a belly to belly suplex.  He then nails a huge powerslam but Big Show pulls the ref out of the ring which causes the DQ.
Winner by DQ: Bobby Lashley
Test and Heyman’s guards beat up Lashley until Punk and Sabu come down to help out followed by RVD to a huge pop.  Heyman lied!!!  Everyone but RVD and Lashley are out of the ring and the two of them look at each other as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: Nice surprise putting Bobby Lashley in the Extreme Elimination Chamber.  Also Elijah Burke did a decent job filling in on commentary.
Not So Extreme Moment: Umm…Khali sucks; he shouldn’t even be a bodyguard or whatever the hell he is supposed to be.
There’s lots of great stuff on the site to check out, so check it out because there’s great stuff and lots of it.  Oh and don’t forget the world famous forums (isn’t that what TWF stands for?).  Also send me some feedback because as far as I know the only people who read this thing are me, me and me.  Now hit my music!


We’re two days away from Thanksgiving and what bigger turkey is there these days then an episode of ECW?  Tonight’s episode is not too far from here in Long Island, NY at Nassau Coliseum.  I actually saw a WWF event there a long time ago (not pandas).  I think the main event was the supposedly deceased Corporal Kirchner (wonder if there’s an empty grave somewhere) vs. Sgt. Slaughter in his Iraqi sympathizer days.  I think General Adnan ended up wrestling for some reason.  I remember always liking the Corporal because my name was close to it and I could call myself Corporal Gershner.  Pretty sweet, well when you’re 15 years old anyway.
Show starts with a recap of the tease of Hardcore Holly being in th e Extreme Elimination Chamber and being taken out by Bobby Lashley.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are live with WAY too many children in the audience!  Tonight by special invitation, the Hardy Boys reunite to solve mysteries!  Oh wait it’s Matt and Jeff, not Frank and Joe.  Well it is a bit of a mystery why they brought back Jeff but whatever.  We also get a rematch of Holly vs. RVD.  Quite a month that feud went through, eh?  They wrestle a great match, Holly turns face because of it, crowd doesn’t buy it, turns back heel rather quick and then they wrestle again.  Matt Striker is in the ring and it appears he has donned his gay apparel early this year.  He mentions that Lashley made his debut last week and instead of waiting until December to Dismember, Striker will annihilate him tonight.  He starts bragging about how tough it is being a schoolteacher in New York when Lashley’s music interrupts and he makes his entrance to play some improv games.  Dammit, I still can’t tell him apart from Wayne Brady!  Lashley throws the blackboard out of the ring (why does it have to be a BLACK board I bet he was thinking) and then picks up the desk and throws it to the floor where it shatters.  Hmm, must have been purchased from Ikea because it disassembled pretty easily.
Bobby Lashley vs. Matt Striker (Whose Anabolic Is It Anyway?)
Lashley starts quickly with a huge suplex followed by a spear.  He then hits the Dominator (I think he should call it the Whiplash) followed by a pin.  The match was so quick they showed the entire thing in the replay pretty much.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Commercial Comment:  Bosley hair restoration kit?  He needs to give it to his son Richie Cunningham since he got real bald as he got older.  Geez I just made a Happy Days reference?
Highlights of the Jeff Hardy-Johnny Nitro ladder match from last night which I did not see are shown.  I’m sure it was slightly more entertaining than the RVD-Big Show one.  Hardys make their way out to a nice pop and their opponents are Little Guido and Tony Mamaluke.  Tony’s still employed?  I guess it’s good to be in with the Cammareri family.
The Hardy Boys vs. FBI w/ Trinity (The Italian Job, Literally)
Matt starts with a hip toss on Guido and tags Jeff.  A quick tag after a hammer lock and Matt follows suit then tags again.  They do some tandem offense on both opponents including a nice double suplex on Mamaluke.  Trinity interferes enough to change the momentum and the FBI doubleteam both Hardys.  Double suplex to Jeff and a pin attempt by Guido but only a two count.  They try a double clothesline but Jeff ducks and dropkicks both of them and tags in Matt.  He is a house of fire (much like his ex girlfriend Lita) and hits a second rope legdrop and the Side Effect.  Jeff climbs to the top and they do a combination of a power bomb and neck breaker.  Matt hits the Twist of Fate and Jeff the Swanton Bomb for the easy win.
Winners: The Hardy Boys
RVD is backstage and is confronted by Heyman who says how much he admires Rob for entering the Extreme Elimination Chamber.  He says tonight if Holly wins their match he takes RVD’s spot.
Commercial Comment: Now that would have been cool if Peter really was playing World of Warcraft in Office Space instead of some Tetris knockoff.
Kevin Thorn and Ariel make their smoke machine enhanced entrance and he’ll be facing CM Punk.
CM Punk vs. Kevin Thorn w/ Ariel (Addiction to Competition vs. Addiction to Hemoglobin)
Thorn uses his size to start with a shoulder block but when he tries again Punk hits a leg lariat.  Thorn turns the tide when he drops Punk on the ropes and then throws a stiff punch to the lower back.  Punk tries to come back with a couple of kicks but Thorn backs him into the corner and then drags him out to the center and locks in a Boston Crab.  Kelly Squared runs down to ringside and Punk breaks out and manages to break out of it and lock in the Anaconda Vice for the submission victory.
Winner: CM Punk
Thorn attacks Punk from behind and Ariel goes after Kelly but they manage to turn the tide though thankfully Ariel gave her a good beating first.  They stand in the center of the ring and hug as Mike Knox looks on from the ramp looking extremely disappointed.  Dude, I’d be pretty happy to have someone like her leave for someone else.  Nice body and all, but with the way she does well, everything she probably uses her teeth when she goes down on him.
Big Show is in the ring with Heyman after a commercial.  They finally explain why the Elimination chamber is extreme.  It has WEAPONS!  The crowd starts with the “what” chant and Show asks if the crowd has a hearing problem and then says “leave it to Nassau to be five years behind”.  Big Show made a funny!!!  He then says no one can beat him in the Elimination Chamber and Lashley’s music hits and it’s time for our favorite game, Hoedown!  Dammit!!!  Heyman tells Show not to get involved but he slugs Lashley with a big right.  He goes for another but Lashley avoids it, throws a few punches and then clocks Show with the championship belt which takes him out of the ring.  Show loses it and knocks the hollow steps over and calls Lashley a son of a bitch.  Hey man, do you know his mom?  That isn’t nice.  She baked all the kids cookies.  They tasted like crap but it’s the thought that counts!
A quick package of previous Elimination Chamber matches is shown before the ring announcer introduces the main event and describes what an Extreme Rules match is.  You know, just in case you’ve NEVER seen ECW before.  RVD makes his entrance as we go to commercial.
Test goes up to Holly backstage and reminds him what RVD did to him a few weeks ago and that if he wins, he’s in.  His music hits and Bob makes his entrance.
Hardcore Holly vs. Rob Van Dam (Used To Be High Octane vs. Used To Do Drugs; He Still Does But He Used To Too)
Both men throw punches at each other before Rob takes advantage.  He slams Holly then hits Rolling Thunder.  Holly goes to the outside and RVD puts him on the ring barrier.  He then hits a leg drop from the apron.  Both men are lying on the ground (Holly said he’s over with the crowd and RVD says he didn’t get high today…get it, they’re LYING !) as we go to commercial.
After we come back, RVD has Holly under the bottom rope and jumps over the top to land on Holly’s head.  Back in the ring, Rob hits a vicious kick in the corner.  By the way there is a chair set up in the corner and Holly manages to throw RVD into it.  Holly puts the chair on top of RVD’s face and stomps on it.  That gives new meaning to “sit on my face”.  Holly then has the chair set up in the center of the ring and drops RVD’s throat on the back of it.  He goes for a pin b ut only gets two so he puts on an Orton lock.  Rob breaks it but Holly stays in control with some tough forearms across the chest.  RVD manages to snap Holly’s head off the top then searches under the ring and finds a chair.  Holly manages to dropkick Rob before he can use it though.  He pulls him back inside and again sets up the chair on RVD’s face.  Holly goes to the top rope and hits a knee drop on the chair.  RVD appears to be out completely as Holly grabs a belt from the timekeeper and whips RVD with it.  RVD manages to come back when Holly telegraphs a back body drop (didn’t know he knows morse code).  Rob takes control with a couple of clotheslines then a monkey flip in the corner and a big kick from the top rope.  RVD takes the chair and skateboards it into Holly’s face then hits Rolling Thunder with the chair on top.  Holly hits Rob with the chair and then goes to the top but RVD knocks him down so he falls on his cash and prizes.  He hits a real nice superplex onto the chair then the Five Star with the chair on top of him and gets the pin.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
Rob celebrates his victory by smoking a huge bowl, err I mean by raising his arms to the crowd as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: I might actually give it to Big Show’s funny comment, which genuinely made me laugh.
Not So Extreme Moment: Even though it was cool to see the Hardys together again, it was nothing more than an excuse for ratings as they shouldn’t be on ECW .
Check out the main course of satires with Sean’s WWE Discontinued Xmas Merchandise.  Then check out all the trimmings such as Joe’s edition of the Sour 25 and the various recaps of the past week’s programming.  I hope you all have a very happy Thanksgiving and hopefully by next week you won’t be 10 pounds heavier though with the way you eat junk food the other 51 weeks of the year who can tell the difference?  Now hit my music!


Is it me or is it really odd that the fallout from a PPV is the same episode as the hard sell for the next one?  Well that’s what we got tonight!  After an EXTREME burial for the most part of the ECW brand at the Survivor Series, let’s get you to buy an ECW PPV which features a whopping two matches thus far!  Dare I even mention one of them features no ECW talent?  Greed at its finest I must say.
We are live tonight in Buffalo, NY and we open with Paul Heyman in the ring (no WWE generic intro).  He refers to the ECW title as the Holy Grail, though I’m sure if that’s the case Big Show is using it as an ice cream bowl.  He then reveals the weapons starting with a chair which one of the armor ed guards uses to beat the crap out of the turnbuckle.  Then he reveals a crowbar which a guard takes and makes the steps outside his bitch.  He also reveals a table and a barbed wire bat (a guard makes the announce table job to it).
The bawdies hit the flow and tonight we have all six Extreme Elimination Chamber participants in matches with each other starting with ECW’s own version of Jay and Silent Bob (Clerks 2 is now on DVD, where’s my residual check?).
Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu (Smoke If You Got ‘Em, Just Not On A Major Highway)
Sabu goes low with a dropkick but RVD recovers and gets a monkey flip from the corner.  Rob goes to the top but Sabu catches him and tries a hurrican-rana but RVD blocks it and knocks Sabu down.  Van Dam climbs over to the middle of the ropes as Sabu does the same on the opposite corner.  As Sabu goes for a big move, RVD wins the collision by hitting a flying splash.
After a commercial, RVD is on the apron and goes for a suplex but Sabu prevents it.  He then tries a sunset flip into a powerbomb but ends up going splat on the floor.  Back inside where Sabu’s mouth is bleeding Van Dam hits a German suplex with a pin attempt but only gets two.  Rolling Thunder and he tries again but still only two.  Sabu manages to come back and hits a series of moves from the second rope including a leg lariat and a clothesline.  To use a cliché, he goes to the well one two many times and RVD catches him and counters the tornado DDT into a spinebuster.  Five Star and pin for the victory.  Good match.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
After a commercial, the “brandless” Hardys make their entrance.  Their opponents are Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay.  Before we start I notice it looks like Matt has a cold sore on his mouth.   Wonder if he gave Lita a severance pop before she left.  If so I'm sure she gave him a severance disease.
The Hardys vs. Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay (And To Think About Two Months Ago 3 Of These Guys Were On Smackdown)
After Matt gets in some early offense on Burke, Jeff tags in to continue but Terkay kicks him in the back.  He tags in and hits a huge powerslam.  He then goes for a shoulder block in the corner but misses and hits the post instead.  Matt tags in and hits a series of clotheslines.  The Hardys team up to dispose of Burke, then hit Poetry in Motion on Terkay followed by a Twist of Fate/Swanton and the victory.
Winners: The Hardys
MNM hit the ring and beat the crap out of the Hardys.&nb sp; Mercury mocks Jeff before Nitro hits a real stiff kick to his head.  They celebrate and we go to commercial.
We come back and we see a video of yesterday’s press conference for December to Dismember.  You know, for a press conference I don’t see much press coverage in the paper or on the news.
CM Punk makes his entrance and I wonder how long until someone says how he’s not addicted to alcohol or drugs, only competition.& nbsp; Yeah well I’m addicted to his girlfriend’s rack.  Test then makes his entrance.  Interestingly, last night on Raw they mentioned it was this week in wrestling history when he was marrying Stephanie and Hunter ambushed it.  Ahh good times.
CM Punk vs. Test (So Umm, What Did You Have For Lunch Today?)
Test stomps on Punk in the corner and as Punk tries to get up he gets leveled by a clothesline.  They go outside and Test misses a shoulder block and hits the post.  Back inside, Punk hits a clothesline from the top.  Test comes back though and locks in a wear down hold.  Punk breaks it and after Test ends up on the outside, Punk hits a suicide dive.  Tazz mentions when the count gets to 5 which of course means they’re gonna get counted out which they do.
After a commercial, a replay is shown of MNM’s attack on the Hardys followed by the m bragging in front of the paparazzi.  They then go down the lineup for the PPV and umm, did anyone bother to notice there are still only TWO matches?  Big Show’s music hits and he makes his entrance with Heyman before going to another commercial.  When we come back Bobby Lashley comes to the ring.
ECW Champion Big Show w/ Paul Heyman vs. Bobby Lashley (Back Issues vs. Black Issues)
Lashley starts off trying to take the big man off his feet but Show clobbers him with a clothesline.  Show hits a chop in the corner followed by a series of right hands.  Lashley tries to come back by Show hits him with a boot to the face.  Show tries to climb the ropes but Lashley catches him and delivers a suplex.  He then hits a spear but before he can get a pin Heyman calls for the armored guards.  Lashley decks them both including a belly to belly suplex on one of them.  Test then comes down and helps out which leads to Big Show hitting a chokeslam then the Final Cut.  Heyman slaps Lashley across the face a few times and hit him in the face with the belt.  Show talks trash as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: Opening match between RVD and Sabu was entertaining.  Methinks Sabu lost because he’s on real bad terms backstage and may get released soon.
Not So Extreme Moment: This is the hard sell for a PPV and they don’t add any matches?  I don’t care what your main event is; you gotta have a couple more to get me interested.
Need I tell you that the other stuff on this site is good too?  Oh and don’t forget to vote for Writer of the Year.  I’m on there and well so is everyone else who has written anything for this site in the past year.  Still, your vote is needed and I don’t want to influence your vote but that weird guy with the binoculars in his car outside your window is me.  I’m not looking to see you vote, I’m trying to check out your mom/sister/girlfriend in her underwear.  Now hit my music!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).