Welcome to the ECW Recap. I know you probably all missed me last night, but
it seems Gersh was set on getting himself trashed tonight so he actually switched with me to get me to cover this hour of
ACTION…..yeah who are we kidding? Anyway I’ve been drafted to do this so let’s get this show on the road.
Okay, so the show starts us off with a recap of last night and we find out that Gorillas carry
pipes. That’s some handy information. Theme music and acid induced opening footage brings us to the show. Tonight Dreamer
and Test are going to go at it for the chance at getting in the chamber as well as Punk and Knox. Punk (Part Time Ghost Hunter)
is on his way out oddly minus his fellow Straight Edge, Casper. Kelly^2 comes out with Mike Knox and she keeps waving to Punk
so Mike takes a page from the boys in the hood. “Started talkin’ shit! Wouldn’t you know? I reached back
like a pimp and I slapped the ho.” Well okay, he just sends her back but that would have been cooler.
Mike Knox vs. CM Punk (Extreme Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
Mike trashes Punk and turns around allowing CM to get a rollup on him for two. Mike pins him
up in the corner and lands a shot to the EAR. Oh God! Crowd rallies for Punk who goes on the offensive with a dropkick for
two. His cross body gets another close fall. Foreams shot are called off by the ref in the corner and Knox decks him flat
for a beat down. Punk sells….well if you can call spasming like you’re having a seizure selling. Punk gives us
whatever the hell his tarantula is called which show his crotch way more than I needed. Mike gets sent to the floor to recover.
Back in the ring Punk tries an Oklahoma roll for two which if anyone has played Legends of
Wrestling knows it is Andy Koffman’s best move. Punk goes up top for some reason and Mike just grabs his shorts to slam
him down for two. Punk escapes a backbreaker submission with knees to the chin, but Mike flattens him with a big boot for
two. It’s like watching a Snitsky match…. Knox hit’s a sleeper on Punk that Taz retardedly calls a Rear
Naked Choke. He actually gets corrected on this two. Mike slams CM Punk down hard but only scores two. He gets pissed before
charging at Punk in the corner. He misses and Punk’s kicks starts shutting him down. Punk does a weakass Karate showcase
and finally hits his Jujutsu take down. Mike does to the corner and hit’s the knee to the face, but when he goes for
the sweep again, Mike counter into a clothesline backbreaker for two.
Mike sends Punk to the corner and sets him up for a superplex, but Knox gets pushed off and
hit with a cross body for two. This time Punk goes for the “Muay Thai” combo which actually isn’t even the
correct martial art, but whatever. He hit’s the Uranagi and the submission for the win.
Winner: CM Punk
They tell us Heyman has a huge announcement coming up next as we skip off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: why are SciFi commercials so fucking retarded?
Back to the show. They show Elijah Burke and some other guy who’s name I couldn’t
really understand between our mumbling interviewer and Pickyninny voiced Elijah.
Heyman strolls on out even sporting his own Vince McMahon swagger and suit. Jeez why don’t
we just print “Vince McMahon 2.0” in huge letters on his back? He runs his Monkey Business montage. He makes a
tag team match between RVD & Holly and Big Show and himself. That’s only after his record speaker seems to get stuck
on the word “obstacle” though. He talks about possibly getting himself beat down tonight and says that tonight
five of the six participants will be secured and next week the sixth participant will be named. Anyone from ECW…and
then he opens it to Raw and Smackdown as well, anyone who craves success like a prostitute (I think whores have given up that
sort of thing by then) can get the open contract. He plays with his monkey head like Yorik’s skull as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Monkeeeeeeeey!
Back to the show. They talk about CM Punk’s investigation of the Stanley hotel (That’s
the hotel from the Shining). Nunzio and…uh Nunzio’s bitch are in the ring waiting on Daivari and The Great Kali.
It looks like a giant showed up at a midget convention. Kali intimidates Nunzio or rather Guido until Daivari calls him off.
Little Guido w/ That bitch whose name I’ve forgotten vs. Daivari w/ The Great
Daivari gets attacked from behind and Guido takes him to the cleaner until Daivari slingshots
him off the ropes and slams him down to the mat. Daivari rakes the eyes on the ropes, but Guido rolls him up for two. Daivari
tries to get a two count of his own, but Guido kicks out only to find himself eating turnbuckle and some more fingernails.
Daivari runs into an elbow to the face and a sloppy dropkick picks up two for Guido. An acrobatic exchange follows until
Daivari catches him out of the corner in a crazy ass one armed DDT that I guess I’ll call the WMDDT since Hassan isn’t
here to use it.
After the match Kali double choke bombs Guido and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Okay, that Horrorfest looks fucking awesome.
Back to the show. They show A Cena montage of clips and then we get Test and the perpetual
punching bag of Tommy Dreamer. A Dreamer match without a Shinai? What the fuck?
Test vs. Tommy Dreamer (Extreme Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match)
Test pushes Dreamer to the corner for crushing back elbows. He looks like he’s about
to sodomize him until Dreamer clotheslines him over the ropes to the floor. Test gets up and bear hugs dreamer to ram
him back first into the ring post. He picks up a one count back in the ring. Test puts on an arm bar, but Dreamer escapes
only to bend down in front of test. Jeez could this match get any gayer looking? Test kicks him back down and uses a chinlock.
He tries the Pump handle Slam, but Dreamer hit’s a huge neck breaker. Dreamer fires up and hit’s a big punch combo
only to get caught by a back elbow. Huge ass spine buster scores two for Dreamer.
Dreamer sets up and gets intense, or constipated it’s hard to tell. Looks to be a DDT
attempt, but Test just runs away and grabs the ropes. He back kicks into a low blow behind the ref’s back and hit’s
the Test Run and Test Drive for three.
They pimp our main event as we recede into the shadows of commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: You’d think a commercial for something called Gears of War
would feature a gear or something.
Back to the show. ECW uses up its entire pyro budget for RVD’s entrance as we get ready
for our main event. Holly, Show and Heyman follow out before we duck right back out for more commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Ah the magic of Guitar Heroes 2. Only when playing that game can
you look even lamer than when doing Air Guitar and still have fun.
Paul Heyman & ECW Champion The Big Show vs. Rob Van Dam & Bob Holly
The Match is underway and Heyman and RVD just sort of stare at each other from across the
ring. Show tells him he’ll never be a champion….since you know that last reign didn’t happen at all. RVD
gets pissed probably because he’s fried enough to believe Show changed the past. He goes all out on Show, leaving him
rocking until Show goes for a clothesline. Rob ducks the clothesline and leaps at Heyman, attack him like a box of one dozen
starving crazed weasels. Show has to pull him off and goes about the slow lumbering offense of hugs slaps while Heyman dances
about on the apron like rocky Balboa.
Show continues to stalk RVD around until Rob kicks him then springboard off the ropes into
a back kick. He tries to go get a tag, but Big Show shuts him down and chokes RVD out on the ground. We get some more chest
slapping. Oddly enough the crowd rallies for Holly…wow they must be desperate. Heyman screams at the ref to stop Holly
from protecting RVD when he gets tossed to the floor then Show distracts the ref while the guards beat him down. Holly tries
to come back again, but they immediately pull away for the ref to catch holly over there again. Back in the ring Rob gets
power slammed, followed by a big elbow for two.
Rob starts fighting back with right and bounces off the ropes right into a clothesline. Show
chuckles like fucking Jimmy Durante before dragging Rob back up. Holly has to be pushed back by the ref. Big Show hit’s
a clothesline on RVD that flips him entirely over….well okay he actually hits WAY higher than Rob’s head, but
I assume it must have been the force of the wind displaced by Show’s arm that did it then. Show restrains Rob to let
him get in free shots. Rob kicks Heyman in the face and dives to a corner. He fights back out of the corner on Show but a
clothesline crushes him for like the sixth time. DUCK YOU MORON!
Show chokes Rob out in the corner while taunting the crowd. Is this a tag match? The crowd
rallies for rob while Show misses a huge corner charge. Rob wobble out and comes in with a spin kick like a drunken master.
Show tires a running boot and hangs himself up on the top rope instead when Rob finally figures out how to duck. Rob crawls
for the corner, but Show grabs him up. Show tries to choke slam only to get countered into a DDT. Holly finally tags in and
stomps Rob’s ass into the ground. Her power slams him and then leaves the ring to grab a chair. Bob hit’s
the Alabama slam on the chair while the ref decides not to call a DQ. Show bounces off the ropes into a body splash at which
point the ref finally calls for the DQ.
Winners: Er, I’m not sure. If Bob was disqualified for using a chair on his
own teammate that would mean Heyman and Show win by disqualification.
Heyman shakes hands with Holly and they rerun what we just saw two seconds ago. The trio celebrates
as they talk about Holly possibly selling his soul for a shot at the chamber and accusing Bob of drinking Heyman’s Koolaide
(the fuck?) as the show goes off the air.
Most Extreme Moment: Pretty
weak show, but Daivari is always fun to watch so I’m tossing it his way for a cool finishing move.
Not So Extreme Moment: I wait the whole
match for a tag that only turns Holly heel….again. So anti-climactic it makes your brain hurt.
That’s it for this week. Next week expect everyone to hopefully be back on their own
shows for once.