ECW: The Next Generation
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May 05, 2009
May 12, 2009
May 19, 2009
May 26, 2009
Happy Cinco de Mayo muhfuckers! Accordingly, I have been downing Coronas for the past few hours, because if I don’t,
who will? Millions of college women? Probably. I really only have one thing to get to
before the report, and that’d be Raw from last night. The main event in
particular gets my attention, mainly because of how comical it was. So, we have
Shane McMahon taking on (admittedly) two guys and the FUCKING WWE CHAMPION Randy Orton, and he makes a match out of it? What happened to Shane getting chokeslammed by Hurricane Helms? This is just getting out of hand at this point. Thankfully
he should be off the show for a little while at least. Also, how much does Batista
suck at making saves? He makes it to the ring after Shane gets obliterated not
once, but TWICE in one night! Come on, man.
At least act like you give a shit about anyone else. This match was not
without its pluses, however. Mainly, I laughed out loud to the lameness of the
two big spots (Shane missing the big elbow and Orton smashing Shane’s ankle with the steps). First of all, even if Orton didn’t move a damn inch when he was laid out on the announcers’
table, Shane would’ve missed by so fucking much. Secondly, Orton more smashed
Shane’s toes than his ankle with the steps. I know you’re supposed
to suspend disbelief and all that, but when you miss by that much, I just can’t look away. I was entertained, but probably not in the way WWE intended. OK,
let’s get this Mexican hat dance started! Still standing here in Pittsburgh! And ooh, fancy new match graphics! I
approve of these, even though everything looks a little…spinny right now. Evan Bourne Vs. Tyson Kidd w/
Natalya Sigh.
Evan can still not get a non-match reaction if his life depended on it. All
he got was a small group of women screaming, which I imagine was for his abs or something shallow like that. To be a little random, I find Kidd’s music pretty cool now. Striker loses points right at the opening
bell, saying that this is the first time these two have met in the ring. FALSE. Bourne has already PPSSP’D Kidd into oblivion, though I couldn’t be bothered
to find out when. I just know it happened, OK?
So anyway, it’s a mat wrestling bonanza at the start, but a Bourne dropkick stops that shit cold. From there, it’s straight up vanilla midget brawling, with Natalya’s boobs giving Kidd the
temporary advantage. However, Bourne quickly rallies back (seriously, Kidd got
in about 20 seconds of offense before Bourne turned it around) and sends TJ to the outside. Kidd
gets some consolation in them Canadian sweater chickens going into the first break. Back from break, Kidd is wailing on Bourne,
but apparently someone told him the break was over, because Bourne starts returning fire in a heartbeat. However, Bourne tanks it on a corner charge, so it’s time for Tyson to take over. Did I use enough T’s in that last sentence? Bourne gets
a few shots in here and there, but it’s restholds aplenty for the next few minutes, and I could care less. I really wish I could elaborate on this, but damn, this shit goes on forever. So, how about those Phillies? I kind of wish they would do
better, personally. Though, the NL East as a whole sucks tremendous amounts of
ass right now, so…oh look, tiger knee provides a break in the monotony. From
there Bourne kicks and kicks and kicks the shit out of Kidd, with a springboard enzuguiri…thing getting a two count. Such flippy moves look good when you’ve had a few. Natalya gets involved soon after Bourne gets on the apron, tripping him up.
Kidd follows with a baseball slide and rolls Evan back into the ring. You’d
think he would go for his springboard elbow drop from here, but NOPE, up he goes to the top turnbuckle for some reason. Finlay runs in at this point to chase Natalya’s boobs off, before clubbing Kidd
in the back of the knee with the shillelagh. This puts Kidd in prime position
for a PPSSP, which Bourne does, and wins. Winner:
Evan Bourne What Stood Out: I would expect a match between these two guys to be something outstanding, but really…coming out
of the break, I wasn’t into it so much. I’ll just say the fact that
Tyson Kidd simply cannot beat Evan Bourne stood out to me. Hey, just like Eddie
Guerrero and Rey Mysterio! Now, I will be sad if TJ Wilson kicks the bucket soon
after he scores a pin on Evan Bourne, but I will immediately follow that up with gloating about how much of a psychic I am. Just something to be on the lookout for. Back from another break, CHECK 1 2! AWW YEAH~! Jack Swagger comes out for
a little promo time, and I’m almost officially over last week’s bullshit.
Almost, but not quite. *loads sniper rifle* Anyway, Josh Matthews interviews him,
stating that he RUINED the title match last week, and that it shouldn’t matter who the champ is going into Judgment
Day. I agree. Wouldn’t facing
Tommy Dreamer be so much ridiculously easier? So, Swagger retorts that he brought
all this prestige to the ECW Championship, and Christian gives the first title shot to Dreamer? Yeah, I can kind of see that point. Way to pick a challenging
first opponent, Christian. So, Swagger gloats some more about Dreamer being gone
soon, making some admittedly funny fat jokes at his expense. Dreamer comes out
to get him a piece (I only assume he was done his bucket of KFC at this point), but Swagger escapes. Kind of pointless, but it hyped the ECW match at Judgment day, so no complaints from me. Well, not many anyway. TO THE BACK now, with General Manager
Generic Blonde Tiffany, who is probably texting Carlton Banks or something, when Zack Ryder comes in. You know, one of the Major Borthers/Edgeheads. The blonde
one. So, he comes in, wearing some of the gayest shit I’ve ever seen. Purple and pink everywhere, I tells ya! The
decidedly feminine sunglasses, spiked hair, and headband do not help things. So,
Zack gets a match against Finlay on Thursday, all the while desperately trying to get over his fucking stupid “WOO WOO
WOO” catchphrase he used on the WWE.COM shows. It was better with the other
Major Brother hanging his head in shame. So, that transitioned into a quick video
package of V. Koslov headbutting things and training in the ring, and basically looking like a badass, announcing he has a
match next. So after a commercial break, we get… Vladimir Koslov Vs. Jesse Guilmette Gee, I wonder how this one goes? A decent “USA” chant gets going, why I don’t know (personally this
would be a piss break if I were in the arena). Striker gives a quick fact that
Russia produces lots of steel. Well, the more you know. Shitty choke slam finishes this mess off in a hurry. Winner:
Vladimir Koslov What Stood Out: Koslov did not come out in his Spetsnaz gear. I was sad. I demand he adopt the mannerisms of M. Bison immediately! Raw Rebound is up now, focusing on the
main event from last night. Probably realizing it was pretty bad to have the
WWE Champion getting rocked by an out of shape board member, the video package focuses on Shane getting his ass kicked. Sure, they throw some spots in here and there, but at least they made it look credible. Also, quick note. I never heard the bell
ring last night. So, if Batista ran out, doesn’t that mean he loses his
title shot at the PPV. My God, I hope so. This transitions into a quick interview
between Hurricane Helms and Mark Henry. Henry basically states he’s going
to beat the shit out of Christian tonight. I for one am surprised. I was expecting a civil discussion about the country’s issues! ECW Champion Christian Vs. Mark
Henry w/ Tony Atlas, non-title match OK, it’s 9 days after Backlash,
meaning the replay is over. Yet, here’s some more slideshow action recapping
Christian’s match with Swagger. I demand full video at this point. Also, Henry has the initials “SHS” on his tights tonight. Hmmm. S’mores, How Scrumptious? Henry shows off his power at the start
(unusual, I know), but Christian gets in a few shots here and there. It’s
always funny when Henry gets punched, as a wave of sweat flies off him into the crowd when he gets hit. See? Sometimes having front row seats isn’t as much
as it’s cracked up to be. This power game goes on for a while, but Christian
comes back, hitting some more shots, finishing with hitting a drop toehold to Henry into the ropes. Looks like Christian is about to steal another finisher, this time the 619.
However, before this happen. SWAGGER RUNS IN AGAIN. COME ON. Winner:
Christian, but dear lord I hope there’s more to this shit What Stood Out: Henry’s copious amounts of sweat never ceases to amaze me.
How can one man sweat that much when doing so little? After the bell, Tommy Dreamer comes out
to send Swagger packing. Sure enough, out comes GMGBT to make a new match in
her kindergarten elocution. Clearly, those public speaking courses have been
paying dividends. And that match is, obviously… ECW Champion Christian and Tommy
Dreamer Vs. Jack Swagger and Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Back from break, the match is already
ongoing, and Dreamer is in the ring. Well, there’s your first mistake. Dreamer gets some offense in for a minute or so, but Henry and Swagger just take turns
beating the hell out of the guy. Again, SO VERY UNUSUAL. Let’s reference a song! Tommy Dreamer: “Someone’s standing on my chest. Hey, it’s
Mark Henry!” Ah, obscurity FTW. So now Swagger is in going all amateur wrestler on Dreamer, but Dreamer manages to get the hot tag anyway. Christian cleans house as the announcers make a Pacquiao/Hatton reference (quick note
– how shitty was that fight?). Christian serves up some punches of his
own, notably a SHORYUKEN (nice knowing you, DJ Gabriel), and manages to put Henry down long enough to need a tag to Swagger. Jack eventually takes over on Christian, and YAY!
OVERRUN! Oh, how I’ve missed you, sweet extra time. So yeah, Christian plays the role of Canadian Tommy Dreamer, getting pounded on by the heels, until a top
rope reverse DDT, followed by another reverse DDT to his knee, gets Christian the opportunity to make a hot tag to Dreamer. Tommy runs wild on the bad guys, eventually setting up Swagger in the tree of woe
position. Henry tries to avalanche Dreamer, but steamrolls into Swagger instead. Christian sends Mark to the outside, and dual slingshot crossbodies from the good
guys put the big guy down. However, in the meantime, Swagger has gotten free
from the corner and undone one of the turnbuckle pads. Dreamer promptly gets
sent right the fuck into it, and catches a Doctor Bomb to add another loss to his illustrious career. Winner:
Jack Swagger and Mark Henry What Stood Out: This match got some overrun. I likes me some extra wrestling
to my weekly hour. Also, Tommy Dreamer doing high flying moves? Did I miss something here? Well, while we got a few minutes of extra
time, right after the bell, all we get time for is Christian to look concerned and Swagger to smile at his latest victory. So, the quick cutout after the main event is over is still alive and well! THE END. Uppers: Non-Koslov wrestling was good stuff tonight.
Nothing really spectacular or anything, but entertaining nonetheless. Also,
I do enjoy they’re trying their best to establish Jack Swagger as a totally unlikable asshole. I have to say, I’m looking forward to the outcome of Judgment Day a little bit now. They do seem to be pushing that Dreamer is done soon and all, so whether Christian wins or loses, I’m
looking forward to how the Dreamer story goes. Keep in mind, I am still a little
buzzed here, so I’m probably being a wee bit too optimistic on this one. Downers: Really, all that I can say here is Koslov still sucks.
I liked the wardrobe change last week, but until he can do a match longer than 2 minutes, I have no faith in the guy. Other than that, I guess I can add GMGBT’s delivery here. Look, I get that she’s from Louisiana and all that, so she probably has some sort of fucked-up accent. Therefore, she concentrates on her delivery really hard to hide it, to not sound like
a retard. Ironically though, in doing that, she sounds retarded anyway. Seriously, I’ve seen 5 year olds with better speech skills. Which brings me to an interesting question. If you had a girl
who had an adult body but a child’s brain (a la Robin Williams in the movie Jack), and you bang her, is that
pedophilia? Think about that one for a little bit. Because that’s what you’re dealing with when you masturbate to GMGBT. Overall: Hell of a lot better than last week. At
least they were all over rectifying Swagger running in again, which is really all that soured last week’s show for me. ECW’s kind of getting…consistently good?
Again, drunk, so don’t mind me. So, who feels like getting me another
beer? Come on, andale, andale! Arriba,
arriba! Mmm, that’s good racism.
Boy, it has been a boring-ass week for
me here. I think this might be one of my shortest reports because I cannot think
of a damn thing to write about. I would say something about Raw, but I found
it so unbelievably boring that I really can’t remember what happened. Oh
well, I suppose I’ll see a quickie rundown tonight or something. Add on
to that that I am already in a blah mood, ECW tonight better deliver. OK, let’s
get to it. Still standing here in…I don’t
know! Before the credits, we immediately go TO THE BACK with Christian, Jack
Swagger, and General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany. Blah, blah, Peep Show tonight, no touching, all that good stuff. I was too mesmerized by Swagger’s dorky-ass shirt. This guy has douchebag down to a T. Go to a club, and I can
officially guarantee that you’ll see at least ten Jack Swaggers there. After
some generic rock opening goodness, it’s time for asses to be kicked and wigs to be split: Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs.
Tommy Dreamer Mark Henry in all his drippy goodness
gets the early advantage, and Dreamer looks like he just stepped out of the shower as a result of all that close contact. Dreamer comes back with a few shots, and um I think he was trying to do his
best Undertaker Old School impersonation, as he kind of steps out onto the top rope before he clubs Henry in the shoulder. Henry then goes back to beating the holy hell out of Dreamer, with restholds aplenty
served up with some other hossy goodness. I don’t know how, but Henry is
off his feet all of a sudden (minor heart attack?) and Dreamer goes to town with elbows and such. He scores with the Dreamer DDT, but Mark gets his foot on the rope.
So I guess that’s what counts for “putting over Dreamer” these days.
After a roll-up ends up with Henry basically taking a seat on Dreamers shoulder, a quick World’s Strongest Slam
scores the win for Team Darkness. Winner:
Mark Henry What Stood Out: So, like I said, apparently Henry getting his foot on the rope counts for putting Dreamer over now? Is he really just physically unable to get a victory at this point? Outside of that, they ARE making Dreamer look at least kind of competitive nowadays…so that’s
something. TO THE BACK again, with ACE REPORTER
Gregory Helms interviewing The Canadians. So Natalya is banned from ringside
with the rematch between Kidd and Finlay, so Kidd says some cocky stuff and walks off.
As good as you can expect given the 30 seconds it was given. After he
goes to the ring, Helms propositions Natalya to watch the match with him, and she walks off as well. Another WATSUPWITDAT, I die a little more, and we’re done here. Finlay Vs. Tyson Kidd Still hasn’t gotten rid of that
shitty music. If you recall, last week Finlay cost Kidd his match against Evan
Bourne. Yeah, how DARE he get a victory over the veteran Finlay! That’ll show those young up-and-comers! Kidd sells like a champ as Finlay is
all over him at the start. For example, a shoulderblock sent Tyson clear across
the ring in a nice spot. Kidd eventually comes back and slaps on that weird leg
hold he did in their last match. Apparently it puts your foot to sleep, according
to Striker. Uh oh! Temporary discomfort! Finlay’s only weakness! Things
degenerate into a brawl soon after this, as Finlay escapes, drops Kidd’s back across his knees, and when Kidd tries
a baseball slide, just plain slugs it out with Tyson when he gets caught up in the apron.
However, Kidd no-sells that shit, and dropkicks Finlay when he tries to get in the ring, and does another one outside
into the steel steps for good measure. Back from break, Kidd is tuning up Finlay’s
left arm, as he went shoulder first into the steps before break. So, points for
psychology or something. So, various armbarage and such go on for the next few
minutes as the announcers say how much they miss Hornswoggle. I am not in that
same group. I laugh a hearty laugh every week because he’s gone, actually. So yeah, Finlay battles out, using only his right arm, and runs wild on Kidd with
clotheslines and his front rolling slam. However, when Finlay goes for the Celtic
Cross, SURPRISE! David Hart Smith (DH Smith, remember him?) pops Finlay with
a big boot. Winner:
Finlay What Stood Out: Wait until the segment is over damn it! After the bell, DH and Tyson take turns
beating the shit out of Finlay, and when he tries to come back, gets a stick shot from Kidd.
This actually goes on for a while, and gets good heat (for ECW, anyway). Things
are finished off with a Hart Attack, as Natalya comes out to share a grand non-victory. What ACTUALLY Stood Out: The match was good, but I will have to say they made Harry Smith look damn good tonight. Though it was funny to see the two Canadians wear matching attire, when Smith was like 2 Kidds in size. So, we have a tag team on ECW. Yep, they’ll
have plenty to do. RAW Recap time now, and oh yeah, now
I have something to talk about. Mainly how fucking stupid WWE can be. Remember that match you’re paying to see Sunday? OK,
let’s have it 6 days early, for free! Oh, also apparently Orton is going
to be playing the role of John Cena, circa 2005-2007. Except as a bad guy. Coincidentally, John Cena will also be playing the role of John Cena, circa 2005-2007. Basically, the plucky guy that overcomes all the odds to the delight of no one. I CAN’T WAIT. Back in GMGBT’s office again, supergay
Zack Ryder demands to hit the gym because he’s not being used on the show tonight.
He’s granted his leave. Boy, wish I could say that to my boss: Me:
“Hey, I need to leave work early. I’m not buff enough. It’s vitally important here in the IT field, you know.” Boss:
“Sure, take as much time off as you need! Matter of fact, I’d
like to give you this big bag of money, just because! Maybe you can ask my model
daughter out too. She really likes you, you know!” ANYWAY, as he leaves, he says that annoying
WOO WOO WOO to the Brits, who are not happy about not being used on the show. GMGBT
then confirms, yes, you two are useless, so you’re not on the show. Paul
bends over and takes it, and leaves. Katie Lea, however, implies he’s going
to fuck bitches up as a result. I approve of this, because I actually do like
the Brits. Now if only they’d get something resembling a push, it’d
be even better. After another pre-break V. Koslov video
package to make him not look so clown shoes awful, we get the weekly squash match: Vladimir Koslov w/o Spetsnaz
gear AGAIN Vs. Chad Collyer Try as Striker might, he can’t
make the jobber look credible. After about 30 seconds of amateur hour, it’s
headbutts aplenty, along with the shitty chokeslam/spinebuster combo to get another victory. Winner:
Vladimir Koslov What Stood Out: Koslov’s finisher. I’m naming it the MOBH (Mecca Of Bland Hossiness). All he needs
is to work a spear into that finisher, and he’s got the trifecta. After the bell, Josh Matthews tries for
an in-ring interview, which just degenerates into more crap about how Russian Sambo is superior, he demands competition, all
that good 1980’s nostalgia trip. Yay. So, after that thrilling main event,
it’s time for the Peep Show, and MAN that is a shitty set. They just set
up a couple director’s chairs in the middle of the ring, a few giant C’s sprinkled everywhere, and a cardboard
sign on a pole on the turnbuckles. So it’s less a Peep Show as the back
alley behind a seedy strip club. Christian comes out, says some stuff, and then
out comes Swagger, who quickly, and correctly deduces “this is stupid.”
Swagger quickly provides video proof of Christian stealing the win at Backlash (full video finally instead of a shitty
slide show). Christian quickly thanks Swagger for replaying his victory over
him, and points out how Swagger was going to cheat too. Christian then plays
a video package totally devoted to Swagger’s lisp, accompanied with cartoonish music.
It was pretty funny, actually. Christian then says, “I just like
making you look stupid” to a good pop, which was also good stuff. Christian
is turning shit into gold on the mic tonight. Swagger gets livid from here, hypes
up how he’s going to beat Christian Sunday, and boasts how he can’t touch him during the show. So, Christian quickly declares the show over and pops Swagger with the microphone. Swagger rolls outside and throws a temper tantrum, and takes a hike.
Some more hype for the match at Judgment Day via the announcers, and we’re done.
THE END. Uppers: Ummm, the non-squash matches were OK I suppose.
DH Smith coming back was also good stuff, simply because it looks like they might have something planned for the Canadians. Optimism is good, right? Also, the Peep
Show was good for what it was, and that was hyping the ECW match on Sunday. Christian
on the mic tends to deliver more often than not, and he certainly had some jokes tonight.
Though I found the most humorous being Swagger yelling at him. Guy looked
like a Geek Squad reject out there, and hearing his lisp runnin’ wild tonight, I don’t know how Christian kept
a straight face. Also, I am noticing a difference between backstage GMGBT and
out in the ring GMGBT. The backstage version is better, because there’s
none of that over-enunciation crap. Downers: Koslov still sucks, but that’s nothing new.
Also on the list of minor annoyances – Gregory Helms and Zack Ryder. I’m
not really a fan of using only dumb catchphrases to get over. Have something
to actually back it up. When Helms originally used that line that shall not be
named, he was still actually WRESTLING, so I found it OK. However, there’s
just no defending Ryder. He’s always been awful. At least with all that bright clothing, he’ll be easy to spot in a crowd. For, say, a sniper. Not that I would know anything about that. Overall: It might have been my mindset going into it, but I thought this episode was just…OK. They’re setting a couple of things in motion for the future, they had some good
wrestling, and they hyped up the PPV well enough. So, I really can’t complain. However, it just felt like some of the same old same old. So, thumbs in the middle. I never said I was an impartial
judge. So, that was a short one, like I said. I’ll try to pick it up for next week, promise.
I know how you guys love your reports with all sorts of meaningless filler!
Welcome to the May 19th edition
of the ECW Report. Remember to lock all your doors in case of inordinately angry
Kane attacks! Sooooo, what are all you Denver fans
doing Memorial Day? Seeing Raw? HA! Nope. Basically, go to any wrestling
site you want, and you’ll probably pick up this story of WWE getting the boot from the Pepsi Center next Monday because
the NBA is having a playoff game with the Denver Nuggets and Los Angeles Lakers instead.
Arena and Nuggets executive Stan Kroenke had this to say: “Whoopsie!” So, since all the cool kids are doing it, I’ll give my two cents on the matter. First off, I think WWE is totally in the right here.
They hashed out a contract with the arena back in August of last year, with the final signing in April. At no point did they get told that they might be bumped because of the NBA.
Yet they only get informed of the change pretty much yesterday, screwing WWE’s plans to all hell. Fact is, it takes a long-ass time to book an arena and get all the shit together for the WWE, so WWE got
dicked over, and hard. Second observation – Vince is milking this shit
for all it’s worth. I have seen no less than 20 outlets reporting on this,
so say what you want, but Vince is getting as much free publicity as he can out of this crap.
Sure, the challenging Stan to a steel cage match and wanting to give him a Lakers jersey stuff is hokey as hell, but
that’s what Vince is. A promoter.
And Vince, boy is he promoting. Third observation – what the general
public thinks of WWE and wrestling in general. Short answer…not fucking
highly. Essentially, people supporting the NBA on this issue have come
up with well thought out arguments such as: “why be concerned about a bunch
of rednecks who could probably barely afford to buy tickets to an event of ultimate fakeness.” “I can't believe this is even an issue. No one cares about this fake crap. 10k tickets
my butt. Take a hike guys... the Nuggets are playing and you aren't. End of story.” “Wow...
this is amazing. The Nuggets get to the Conference final and the WWE is COMPLAINING about having to be moved? Get over yourself!!!
Find a different venue, you have a whole week and it won't be that hard, bring a hard floor to Invesco and do it there, but
get over yourself, the Nuggets are definitely MORE important here.” So to sum up, their main argument is that breach of contract isn’t important, because
the WWE is SO BENEATH the NBA. Right, because when I think NBA, I think CLASSY
PROFESSIONAL SPORTS. Dear Lord. Look,
I realize contracts are fucking toys to most professional sports (mainly because they get re-negotiated every time someone
on the team throws a temper-tantrum for more money), but in reality, it’s a piece of paper promising something. In this case, Kroenke promised Vince his arena for next Monday. Vince isn’t going to get it because Kroenke is a fucking idiot.
So what does he do? Probably move it somewhere else, because taping it
another day would make no sense. House shows aren’t set up for TV tapings.
Oh, also expect as many potshots as humanly possible about the Denver Nuggets on WWE TV. Well, whatever goes down, Kroenke
is probably lubing up for the butt-fucking he’s about to receive in court. The
only party that really got shafted is the WWE fans that live in Denver, because there’s no fucking way WWE is coming
back to that arena, for a long, long time. OK, I’m done. Man I wrote a lot. Hey, I did promise lots of filler last
week, didn’t I? Let’s get to it. Still Standing Here in…not Denver! Actually, it’s Cincinnati. And
Jack Swagger is Still Sitting Here in the ring! Bitching about his loss on Sunday,
he sits and pouts for a little while, all the while wearing the ridiculous attire you’re used to from this guy. Refs can’t budge him, so out comes General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany, looking
like she’s about to throw a temper tantrum herself. Times like this I feel
like I’m watching some sort of after-school special. Swagger does not take
kindly to GMGBT’s demands to leave the ring and go to her office, basically bitching more, and calling GMGBT a temp. This gets some good heat from the crowd, so I approve.
Swagger is getting over just by being an annoying douche. That’s
something everyone can get behind hating. She then lays down the Grade School
law, saying if he doesn’t leave, he’s never getting an ECW Title match again.
Oh no, what ever shall he do to fill his desire for meaningless hokey belts?
So he leaves, having the boo-hoo face the whole time. GMGBT finishes off
her 3rd grade assembly part by welcoming everyone to ECW, and introducing Christian for a match. Remember, this is in the ring GMGBT, not backstage GMGBT, so she has that elocution you all know and love. Super serious situations do not help her cause at all.
So anyway, While Christian comes out, Swagger meets him on the ramp, and shoves him off it. Going into break, Christian sells the knee. Golly gee, I wonder
if that’ll factor into his match! ECW Champion Christian Vs. Paul
Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill, Non-Title Match Completely irrelevant, but Katie Lea
is looking as pirate hookerlicious as ever. Carry on. Christian does some basic arm wrenching
on Paul in the first few moments, and by the first few moments I mean it fucking feels like an eternity. Paul goes for the knee quickly, really turning things around when he whips Christian into the steel steps
outside. It was a nice spot because Christian is sent flying over the steps when
he hits them. It’s all pirate Paul from here, with suplexes, European uppercuts,
and leg holds being the order of the day. Interestingly enough, heel Matt Striker
is coming out in full force in this match, criticizing every little thing about the champ.
Finally, Christian rallies after a tornado DDT after Paul misses with the double knees in the corner. Back body drop, reverse DDT, and other goodness get two counts, but a Killswitch attempt is blocked. Paul rallies with some more suplexery, but when he goes for the double knees AGAIN,
he tanks, AGAIN. Christian does that through the ropes thing he does, a SHORYUKEN,
and hits a Killswitch for the victory. Winner:
Christian What Stood Out: Two things. One, so much for that whole push Paul Burchill
thing I was speculating last week. I guess he looked kind of threatening. Secondly, fucking Striker actually called the flying European uppercut the SHORYUKEN. I’d like to think he got it from me. Well,
my move names aren’t for free. Expect to hear from my lawyers. After the bell, Christian gets a little
interview time with Josh Matthews, basically telling Swagger to fuck off, he lost. He
then challenges Dreamer to a title match at Extreme Rules (One Night Stand after WWE has completely taken everything of value
out of it). Should be a decent match, at least.
On the other hand, boy, am I glad they put SO MUCH THOUGHT into that whole Dreamer storyline! Build something up over months and months? Nah, let’s
just give him a title shot for no reason at the last second! BRILLIANT. TO THE BACK now, with Swagger and GMGBT
arguing incoherently. RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE.
You get the idea. GMGBT lays down the law once again, telling Swagger
to take the night off before his ass gets in more trouble. He storms off once
again. Zack Ryder Vs. Local Jobber HO-LY SHIT. See, I don’t get WGN, so while I know this guy’s been on Superstars, I haven’t seen him
in the ring since his whole new look started. And man, I wish I still hadn’t. Theme music is gay, ring attire is gay, WOO WOO WOO is gay, and I don’t mean
regular gay. I mean FLAMING. Puts
Rico to shame gay. I have no words for this. I’m just speechless at this point. I mean, it’s
a fucking squash match. Zack does lots of kicks and punches and shit, Striker
gets in a shot against Carmelo Anthony, and hits like some sort of variation on a leg lariat, followed by a, like, reverse
Playmaker to get the win. Winner:
Zack Ryder What Stood Out: I think I may like dicks in my mouth, just because I watched that guy in the ring. After a quick recap of DH Smith debuting
on ECW last week, they head to the back for insta-cheap heat time with the Hart Trilogy.
First of all, not sold on the name. They’re people, not movies. Anyway, about that cheap heat. Natalya
talks about how DH’s dad would be proud of him, and Smith replies that he should be, because DH is better than Davey
Boy ever was. BOO DON’T SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE BOO. After a break, it’s the return
of Spetnaz V. Koslov! Guess they decided against the weekly Koslov squash, as
he comes out, cuts a promo in Russian, then basically goes and says the same thing he’s been saying since he showed
up on ECW. Russia superior, double double E inferior. Yay 80’s! I’m getting my tight acid wash jeans
on right now. Backstage AGAIN, Gregory Helms reports
to say that the title match at Extreme Rules is officially signed, and chats with Dreamer on his thoughts. Dreamer basically says it’s his last chance, and off he goes, presumably to the buffet line. Helms, thank God, doesn’t do his usual schtick.
Quick cut to Finlay, who’s walking WITH PURPOSE to the ring. Hey,
if they felt the need to show it, I feel the need to tell you about it. David Hart Smith w/ Natalya and
Tyson Kidd Vs. Finlay w/ Shitty Irish Music, Still First thing to note is that DH comes
out to a remixed version of Bret Hart’s old music. Now with more generic
guitar riffs! Secondly, Natalya’s outfit looks like something stolen from
Michael Jackson’s closet. Clamdigger pants and silver cowboy boots are
not exactly what I would call boner-inducing. Or something a sane person would
wear. DH overpowers Finlay for a few moments,
but now it’s time for Finlay to stiff the fuck out of the young ‘un. It’s
the only way they’ll learn! DH eventually gets the upper hand, lays in
a few punches and stuff, but OOPS, scratch that. Finlay goes right back to beating
the shit out of DH, culminating with a LONG wristlock. So long, that there’s
a short “David” chant going on in the crowd. Funnily enough, since
realistically they could be chanting for either of them (David Hart Smith or DAVE Finlay), but also funny because DH is the
bad guy in this match. Glad to see I’m not the only one sick of family
friendly Finlay. After the eternal wristlock is FINALLY broken, things spill
to the outside, Finlay still pounding away on DH. However, a quick running powerslam
on the floor (SHADES OF DAVEY BOY SMITH HAR HAR HAR) turns things around for Smith going into break. Back from break, it’s ANOTHER DAMN
REST HOLD; thankfully this time it’s DH who’s applying it. Apparently
Finlay found out the break was over, because he immediately breaks out and tries to rally, but a backbreaker stops that shit
cold. And, back to the rest hold. Finlay
eventually battles out again, but Smith nails a very fast looking clothesline, and Finlay spills to the outside. Getting pulled back in, Finlay hits a few shots, but nope, Finlay is put down again and DH starts working
the gut and lower back. DH switches the holds up now, and goes to HUMBLE Finlay
with the camel clutch, following up with an abdominal stretch. Finlay has officially
had enough selling for young up-and-comers, and just goes APESHIT on DH, wailing on him until the ref pulls Finlay off. DH uses that opportunity to put Finlay down, AGAIN, and goes for a second helping
of humbling. This transfers into the chinlock, as apparently Smith can’t
figure out for the life of him what area he’s supposed to be targeting. So,
time to whip out generic move #22! Finlay finally rallies after throwing DH shoulder
first into the ringpost, hitting clotheslines, punches, all that good stuff. When
he tries to go for the Celtic Cross, his back gives out, and the action spills to the outside again, where the other two Canadians
get involved. First Natalya hits a slap and runs away, followed by Kidd trying
his luck, only to get his ass clotheslined. While Finlay tries to get back in,
the ref is distracted, so Natalya slips DH one of her boots, which Smith uses to pop Finlay HARD (it was pretty audible),
following up with a Saito Suplex for the victory. Winner:
David Hart Smith What Stood Out: So very much pink and black out there tonight. Also, so very
much boring-ass rest holds out there tonight. That match was SLOWWWWWWWW. After the bell, the Canadians get a few
precious moments to celebrate on the ramp. Finlay looks on all despondent, realizing
damn it, he had to put over ANOTHER rising star! NOOOOO! How dare WWE want to make new stars! THE END. Uppers: First off, this edition was jam-packed, as there weren’t any recaps whatsoever. No video packages or anything! I never
thought I would see the day. Also, the two non-squash matches were pretty non-offensive. Not great, but entertaining nonetheless. I
would also say the WWE is starting to establish a decent number of new guys on this show, notably Jack Swagger and the Canadians. Swagger, in particular, got a decent amount of boos when he started tearing GMGBT
a new one, and the Hart Trilogy (still a stupid name) is looking to be on the rise.
Say what you will, but Finlay is established as a big player on ECW. So,
Kidd and Smith taking turns getting wins over him is a good way to make them look like a threat. So, decent wrestling, making new stars, and a simple plot? No
complaints from me. Downers: I lied. Here’s some complaints. First, Zack Ryder. Oh, Zack Ryder. I really don’t feel like thinking about that whole segment again, so
I will just say that I think ECW has its’ new Hornswoggle, at least in my eyes.
At least I can take some solace in that I don’t think this is going to last long, unlike Hornswoggle, who is
eternal. GMGBT in the ring once again led to comical over-enunciation, though
she is improving, little by little. Carlton Banks must’ve been giving her
acting lessons. Finally, I’m a little saddened that the whole Katie Lea/GMGBT
segment last week only lead to Paul getting his ass stomped in the opener this week.
Granted, it was against the champ, and he was at least made to look somewhat threatening, but still. Paul is an ass kicker, so let him actually be one already. Oh,
and I didn’t really mention this, but Striker was REALLY somber at points tonight.
He sounded like he just found out his whole family drove off a cliff or something. Overall: Good stuff tonight, so I’ll be generous and give this episode TWO THUMBS UP. Not too enthusiastically, however. Also,
the audio tonight was…strange. I can’t really put my finger on it. In-ring noise was overly loud. I think
this was because GMGBT didn’t come out with a microphone in the opening segment, so they adjusted levels or hid a microphone
in the ring or something so everyone could hear her. Thing is, I don’t
know if they changed it after that segment, because I could hear the wrestlers loud and clear the whole night. In the case of Zack Ryder however, I think it was just the complete silence of the crowd that made his
goofy ass so easy to hear. I got some pizza calling my name, so
I’ll see you guys next week. Feel free to send Matt Striker some hate mail
for so SHAMELESSLY ripping me off!
Hello, I’m Neil McGilloway, and
because of things that happened last night, I can now officially say that I am completely fucking embarrassed to be a wrestling
fan. I think I’m just going to leave it at that, but if there’s any
Raw video packages on tonight’s show…WWE needs to prepare for anal rape sans Vasoline. Let’s get to it. Still standing here in Los Angeles! According to Striker, it’s the Hart DYNASTY now.
Make up your fucking mind already! Anyway, Christian comes down to the
ring to start us off, with a quite non-existent crowd smattering some cheers for him.
I can understand this arena being booked last minute, but this is like, gym show quality crowd here. Christian talks about reality shows for some reason, relating it to how Jack Swagger simply won’t
go away. Apparently he ruined Christian/Tommy Dreamer on Superstars last week
(I guess they changed it to then instead of Extreme Rules, oh well) and so he needs him a calling out. Swagger comes out and says he has a match with Christian at ER…joy.
And now comes General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany, saying the stips are a triple threat match under EXTREME RULES. Their opponent? Tommy Dreamer, who comes
out and, while Swagger bitches to GMGBT about the match, does some seriously random strutting and posing. No idea why he was doing it, but I laughed. So GMGBT takes
her leave, Dreamer does a Hulk Hogan impression or something, and dumps Swagger over the top rope when he charges. Afterwards, Christian goes to get a hearty handshake, and gets dumped over for his trouble as well. Apparently, Dreamer signed a one day extension to his contract for ER, and apparently
it’s showing as he just totally does not give a SHIT. Hey, just like this
crowd! I imagine this is going to be a long night, because that crowd was fucking
DEAD for the whole segment. Dreamer actually got a couple cheers, and that’s
about it. That’s just horrifying to think of. Vladimir Koslov Vs. 2…2
Jobbers! AH AH AH! Gee, I wonder what’ll happen here… CM Punk look-alike jobber gets thrown
around, tags in Carlito jobber, who gets headbutted and thrown around too. So,
he tags back in CM again, who gets headbutted in mid-air off a cross-body. Looked
pretty brutal at least. MOBH finishes him off for the pin. Winner:
Vladimir Koslov What Stood Out: The headbutt to CM jobber, as it looked pretty cool. Also,
Koslov’s titantron. Give it a look sometime. If you just like a random slideshow of Russian military shit, look no further! Oh, best part? Random shot of Koslov standing in front of
USSR symbolism and TO THE BACK now, where Dreamer and Christian
are bitching some more. So, apparently the reason Dreamer was doing all that
random shit was because everyone was ignoring him. Sounds about right. So, he establishes himself as a threat for the title, and Christian scuffles with him around the locker
room. Finlay comes in to break it up, gets laid out in the crossfire, and that’s
all here. I assume it’s supposed to build suspense for the main event,
but this episode is sapping my will to live. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs.
Evan Bourne Hey, I was wondering where that midget
went! Also, right before this match, they have a quick “don’t try
this at home” video, along with the announcers repeating that sentiment. I
just find it ironic that Smackdown’s top face, Jeff Hardy, got into wrestling by “trying it at home.” Practicing what you preach, eh? Henry dominates from the opening bell,
as try as Evan might, he can’t stand up to the sheer power of BLACKNESS. This
goes on for a while, with Evan selling like a champ. At least Henry can make
lazy moves look painful as hell. Now, if he could do something about all that
sweat, we’d be set. Henry busts out a roundhouse kick to the face of all
things, but keep in mind that for him, he barely had to get his foot up to connect with Evan’s face. Tony in his IRS finest cheers Henry on as he bends Evan across his knee, while the announcers desperately
come up with things to talk about. Christopher Walken impersonations and musing
about the SHS on Henry soon follow. Evan gets his break as Henry blows a corner
charge, but when Evan goes up for the PPSSP, Henry rolls to the outside. So,
Evan tries to moonsault onto him, but he gets caught. Evan squirms out and shoves
Henry into the ringpost, then goes up again for a double knee press. At the count
of 9 he leaps off Henry back into the ring, leading to Henry getting counted out. Winner:
Evan Bourne What Stood Out: I’d like to say it was a good match, but this crowd is killing me here. Also, when Henry beating of Bourne is so boring that not even the announcers can get behind it, there’s
a problem. After the match, Henry spews random shit
(like the gem, “YOU LUCKY TO BE ALIVE BOY!”) while the announcers say Finlay has an eye injury and might not be
competing tonight as a result. Oh noes! TO THE BACK AGAIN, where GMGBT is tearing
Christian and Dreamer a new asshole for injuring Finlay, and makes the main event a handicap tag now, against Swagger and
(guess it’s official now) The Hart Dynasty. Sounds like there’s some
odds to be overcome. Cue John Cena! Seriously
though, GMGBT can do pissed off and bitchy rather well. Holy shit, she has a
talent that’s NOT taking her top off for Playboy?! David Hart Smith, Tyson Kidd
w/ Natalya, and The All-American American Jack Swagger Vs. Tommy Dreamer and ECW Champion Christian When the Canadians (the evil ones) come
out, Nattie is quick to grab a mic, giving a history lesson. Apparently Kidd
is the only protégé of Bret Hart. I did not know that. No one else in the arena knew that either, judging by the flip-flop between cheers and silence. After some more history with DH and herself, she claims superiority via being in the Hart Dynasty. Eh, it’s better than Trilogy at least.
After a commercial break, Jack Swagger is in the ring already. Ouch, jobber
entrance for Jack. Tommy and Christian come out rather quickly, and once again,
an ECW main event is given a shit-load of time. Well, WWE standards anyway. I’m not expecting a 60-minute draw here. DH and Christian start off,
doing some good ol’ Canadian chain wrestling to the delight of not a fucking soul in the Staples Center. Dreamer tags in and the two faces take turns double-teaming DH. Kinky. Smith powers Christian down for a little while, then after a surprise roll-up for
two, he tags in Swagger who rolls Christian about the ring with a waistlock. Christian
then gets another roll-up (for a one count this time), and tags out to Dreamer. Normally,
that would never be a good idea, but Dreamer is actually looking, GASP, remotely credible!
Christian and Dreamer take turns teeing off on Swagger, only to share a little forced arguing. Swagger charges and gets sent to the outside again, the Canadians rush in only to get smacked down, and
Christian takes it to Swagger on the outside. Christian comes back in with a tornado DDT off the turnbuckle, but in an impressive
counter, Swagger tosses him off mid-turn so Christian face-plants from an impressive height.
Well, have to give them credit where it’s due. They’re trying
their best to get the crowd into it – now as far as if it is WORKING, that’s another story. Back from ANOTHER commercial break, Swagger
is wailing on Christian. In Striker’s words, Swagger was “having
his way with Christian.” No wonder they cut to commercial. Rape can’t be too good for the ratings. Christian
hits a reverse DDT and makes the tag to Dreamer. A HOT tag? No, not really. Dreamer runs wild on Swagger, hitting the
tree of woe dropkick (and even gets a small ECW chant from the crowd…which I’m going to be pessimistic and say
was piped in). Of course, since it still IS Tommy Dreamer, he gets planted with
a belly-to-belly suplex right afterwards, and the heels start to go to town. DH
tags in to do what he does best – restholds! Tyson, feeling left out, has
his turn with the chinlock as well, emoting with FURY the whole time. Now it’s
DH’s turn again, hitting the delayed vertical suplex. Surprised no one
mentioned that was right out of Davey Boy’s playbook. After ANOTHER rest
hold, Dreamer battles out with a pride-obliterating bitch slap, but DH just tags out to Swagger, who works a bear hug. Teasing another tag, Swagger just goes and decks Christian, and then tags in…Kidd? I use a question mark because he was looking to tag in DH, but Kidd comes in, and
Swagger looks confused. Botch maybe? Anyway,
Dreamer battles out with a back suplex, tags in Christian, who does all his usual stuff on Kidd. Pendulum kick, SHORYUKEN, Missile Dropkick, all that good stuff.
Things break down from there, and while Dreamer keeps the Canadians busy outside, Swagger tags in to ram Christian
into the post, and delivers a Doctor Bomb for the win. Winner:
Jack Swagger and the Hart Dynasty (sounds like a 50’s doo-wop band) What Stood Out: AGGRESSIVE Tommy Dreamer. Striker was trying to put Dreamer
over as a new man the whole match, saying how he’s all revitalized because of his upcoming PPV match. Well, they did do subtle things, like Dreamer kicking out at 1, getting a surprising amount of offense
on everybody, and in general not looking like a complete chump. A good little
match, but again, crowd murdered it all kinds of dead. After the bell, Dreamer jumps and wails
on a gloating Swagger, only to get stomped on by the Canadians. Tyson and DH
hit a Hart Attack to finish things off. Yay for evil winning again! THE END. Uppers: Once again, lack of video packages gets a thumbs up from me. I enjoy my ECW with actual content, you see. Next, glad to
see Evan Bourne back. He was off TV for a decent time, for no reason. Clearly, a smart idea, seeing how his high-flying antics are actually drawing people to the show. Can’t have that, now can we? So,
at least he’s back, and they’re booking him as a big winner too. Given
his size, who ever would’ve thought that one? Finally, the main event was
pretty entertaining, and did a good job to establish the new blood in the WWE. Nothing
wrong with that. Downers: OK, I know that WWE booked the Staples Center this week at the last possible moment
and was handing out free tickets like crazy to get the crowd they did. I understand
that. Still, FUCK THAT CROWD. FUCK
IT HARD. UP THE ASS. No one there
gave two shits about anything going on in the ring, and that’s a damn shame. Doubly
so for the announcers, who were struggling to say anything at all. I mean, it’s
not like it’s your JOB or anything. All that silence really brought the
show to a screeching halt. This isn’t to say a Koslov squash is something
to get out of your seat and mark out for, but when entertaining stuff becomes un-entertaining via crickets running wild, SHAME
ON YOU. Overall: I’m going to THUMBS DOWN this show, unfortunately. Blame the crowd, not me. Well, at least I got the one show this
week that’s not devoted to petty NBA crap (I read that Smackdown could
be the sequel to Raw that NO ONE EVER WANTED EVER). So, every cloud has a silver
lining and all that. Next week, bitches.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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