ECW: The Next Generation
By
Neil McGilloway
(May 2008 Archives.)
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May 06, 2008
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100 episodes. Obviously, you're thinking the same thing as I am, namely,
"How in the hell did that happen?" Well, when you're on the Sci-Fi network, it's either this, or Bloodrayne: Deliverance...
To help celebrate the MOMENTOUS OCCASION, I'll be chiming in with my fond memories
of ECW...that you, of course, base your entire life on knowing.
Oh, also before I forget, I finally got some reader feedback. Yay, recognition!
He said good things about my report, so I'll have to thank him for that. However, in the interest of privacy (because,
let's face it, who is going to be proud of praising a guy who does an ECW Report), I shall not mention the guy's name.
But he knows. Oh, he knows.
For the 100th time (OK, not even close in my case, but it sure feels like it already!),
let's get this shit train rolling!
Show opening with a montage to make this show look at least somewhat entertaining.
The guy who made that deserves a raise for pulling off that miracle.
Still standing here in...umm, I don't know? Somewhere in Canada? All those towns are
the same, right? And we start off with a whimper as Mike Adamle comes out to do some 'splainin'. Adamle has stock
in the word "tremendous" apparently. Also, he is pretty clearly been reading this speech all day, as you can tell from
the frequent pauses and going over it in his head. Embarrassing. SO yeah, the gist of this speech is that he's
quite aware of him sucking ass, but he's trying damn it! Now let's get to the fun!
Tommy Dreamer Vs. Mike Knox, Extreme Rules
Fun? Yoo-hoo, where are you?
Ooh la la, Stevie's doing some commentary as well, giving the viewers a history lesson in
ECW. Sorry Stevie, they're too busy collectively sucking John Cena's unit to care.
Match starts off with some basic hits, then once it goes to the outside, the shopping cart
full o' goodies comes into play, with the EXTREME cookie sheet getting busted upside Dreamer's head. Oh and apparently,
to drive the point home, this is a HARDCORE extreme rules match (according to you know who). Lovely.
Knox tries to use a trashcan, but Dreamer stops that shit in a hurry. Apparently Canadians
have boat paddles handy in case of emergency too. Good to know. Eventually, Dreamer gets Knox in the Tree of Woe,
climaxing with a dropkick with the assist from the shopping cart and trash can. Nice spot, getting a mild Holy Shit from the
crowd. Momentum shifts as Dreamer gets belly-to-backed through a table, earning a two. Knox then shows he still
has no skills with the steel chair, missing a swing, but recovers with a low blow, hitting his spinning thing on the chair
for the win.
Winner: Mike Knox
What Stood Out: I just recalled that this was the first extreme rules match in a long-ass
time, and I thought it was pretty good fare. I suppose holding off on these matches makes them more special or something
like that. Still, best Knox has looked in...um...forever?
Their Flashback: Episode 1 with THE ZOMBIE getting the dust caned off him courtesy
of the Sandman. I can admit I laughed at that the first time I saw it. Does that make me less of a man?
My Flashback: Me downloading Episode 2. MACHO LIBRE, BABY. Still lurking
on my computer somewhere actually, as I watched it about a week ago.
The return of a perennial favorite I'm sure, Kelly's Expose! As in, the version
that has her dancing awfully by herself in the ring. But hey, she can unzip her top! BE AMAZED.
Layla saves this somewhat by showing up and subsequently showing her how to dance, but this
turns into a full on DANCE WAR, and ends with an obligatory catfight. Yawn. No reaction whatsoever from the crowd
either.
Their Flashback: Holly slicing his back to all shit, then completing the match.
Gutsy performance by an otherwise worthless waste of life. *golf clap*
My Flashback: ECW One Night Stand 2005, to this date, is the ONLY whole PPV that I will
watch over and over. Fantastic is the only word used to describe this show.
Their Flashback: Boogeyman giving Matt Striker his awful recipe for Dirt and Worms for
his birthday.
My Flashback: Now, going back to the original ECW, I can admit that I did not watch
the show much at all. In fact, I only came around to it after WWF and WCW buttfucked the company into the ground already.
Hey, look at that, let's replay CM Punk's credibility flushing down the toilet!
Short and shitty promo by Chuck Palumbo, which I will transcribe entirely for you now:
"CM Punk, you get in my face again, and I'm knocking you out."
Seriously, that was the whole promo.
Kofi Kingston Vs. Matt Striker w/ surprisingly non-gay tights on...don't look
at me like that.
Shelton helps carry Adaml...I mean joins commentary for this match. And they STILL DO
NOT LET GO OF JAMAICAN ME CRAZY.
Quick and basic match here, with it basically being over before it starts with the rolling
papers.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
What stood out: Before the kick happened, Kofi did some weird-ass bounce off the ropes,
that I can still NOT figure out how the hell he did it. Impressive, stringy man. Have a blunt on me.
After the match, Shelton gets a cheap shot in, and that's all there is to it. ADD?
What's that?
Colin walking WITH PURPOSE as ECW/Smackdown scrubs cheer him on. CM Punk was in
the group too. Yes, he's a scrub now too, get over it bitches.
Their Flashback: New Breed Vs. Originals, WM Rematch. Sure looked like a good
match there.
My Flashback: I can say, that based on word of mouth, that Taz was one of the most dominant
wrestlers in the original ECW. I can also say I was legitimately surprised when I found out he was black. Seriously.
Please don't kick my ass.
Colin Delaney w/o self-deprecating TitanTron Vs. Arrrrrrrrrrmando Estrrrrrrrrrada
w/o Alejandro, or natural muscles
Looks like Armando has been smuggling more than cigars over the border, from a look at that
physique.
GM beating the hell out of Colin to start, and looking pretty impressive for a guy who hasn't
wrestled much at all on TV. Armando misses with the corner avalanche to switch things around, but that's ended quickly
with Colin getting slinged into the ropes. However, this comes to a sudden end with a surprise roll up by Colin for
the win.
Winner, and NEW ECW EMPLOYEE THAT WE'LL PRETEND HE WASN'T ALREADY WRESTLING ON THIS SHOW FOR
THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS: Colin Delaney
What stood out: Armando's labyrinthe vein structure on his arms. Seriously, he
was getting into Batista territory with that shit. Are Managers exempt from wellness?
Post-match, Tazz gets a quick interview in, which basically comes off as an award acceptance
speech. Surprisingly, the dude manages to get a little bit of a pop, so kudos to that.
Recap of 'taker dropping the title on SmackDown. Blah, blah, controversy, who cares?
Damn chokehold needs a name still!
Chavo Guerrero and BAM NEELY (apparently off-duty as he's not wearing his suit
this time) Vs. CM Punk and Kane
Gotta hand it to Punk, no matter how hard they try to make him look like crap, he still gets
cheers from the crowd. Also, for some strange reason, Morrison and Miz are on commentary. Really, what's the connection
here?
Kane and BAM start out, as they trade generic power moves to start. Tag to Punk who
fares surprisingly well against Chavo and BAM (well, given last week, him getting offense is surprisingly well). Chavo
gets tossed to the outside, along with trademarked awkward silence from Adamle. However BAM manages to catch him, like
a knight in shining armor. Or in this case, shining oiled-up skin.
Back from break as BAM takes over on CM, tagging in Chavo. Chavo getting decent heat
from the crowd as well, good for him. Only took 100 "epithodes" of ECW to do what the other decade of his career could
not. BAM in, as he FINALLY does a wrestling hold, hitting a belly to back on CM Punk, mixed in with the generic punching
and kicking. Kane tries to intervene, but of course that distracts the ref while Chavo and BAM do the monkey on CM's
back. And now I learned something today. BAM supposed to be former Border Patrol, and known as, "the human
fence?" Shouldn't he be naturally inclined to toss Chavo over the nearest wall? It's all they know.
Eventually, hot tag to Kane, who busts out all of his trademark spots (hitting, clothesline
from the top, etc.). Punk in, hitting the Pepsi One, as Kane keeps BAM from interfering, letting CM Punk hit Chavo
with the GTS for the win.
Winner: CM Punk and Kane
What stood out: CM Punk gets a straight-up
win. Good for him. Maybe they realized that him being utterly obliterated last week wasn't exactly the best way
to build up a guy who just won Money in the Bank...
Faces celebrate, as Miz and Morrison hold up their belts. The announcers speculate that
this may be a potential feud (why, I'll never know) as the four stare longingly into each other's eyes. Awwwwww.
THE END.
Uppers: Well, the show was not as offensive
as last week, so let's start with that. Also, none of the matches were particularly terrible. The beginning and
end matches were given enough time for them to matter, and it showed. Especially in the main event, as everyone in the
match got some decent crowd noise, and the place popped pretty well when the faces won. So, yeah, WWE? Work with
that.
Downers: Kelly's Expose proves to be as
useless as ever. Still not a fan of quick matches, sorry. Kofi gets some crowd action, but he's no Snitsky.
Give the man some time, and the crowd will certainly buy into him, resulting in a winner of a babyface. Or, they'll
realize he sucks, and boo him right out of wrestling. Either way, I win, and that's what matters. Finally, I find
it somewhat funny that WWE knows Adamle sucks, and it's not just a gimmick. So how do they rectify the problem?
Fire him? Nope, let's just send guys that aren't working tonight to pick up his slack! Ugh. Why couldn't I have
gotten Foley? IT WOULD HAVE MADE SENSE DAMN IT.
Overall: 100 episodes of status-quo people,
enjoy it. As an individual episode, it was firmly in the middle, but I can be optimistic and say it was a good episode
when you add in the history pieces. Knowing some of the shit viewers have been through, you can definitely be more appreciative
of a "firmly in the middle" evening.
I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired (though how could I when I'm so masochistic?
I'm PERFECT for this job!), 'til next week.
So, here we are again. I'm really not into the best of moods tonight, seeing
how the Flyers are about to go 0-3 against the Penguins. Seriously, what a fucking stupid team name. Oooooh, penguins,
scary. Fuck them. End of story.
On the wrestling side, I know this is a pointless question to ask, but can Triple
H possibly show any type of weakness at any time? Just curious, seeing how he's pretty much dominated this feud with
Randy Orton, save one RKO'ing. HHHe's going to win Sunday, essentially finishing the job he started in October of putting
the boots to Randy's credibility. Oh well, some people choose food for sustenance, and Hunter chooses feeding off the
tears of potential threats to his spot. It's really all about choices.
Opening montage of Colin Delaney winning his match last week, and the contract, against
brown Batista (Armando Estrada). I recall this match only going a couple of minutes, so how they can extend it out to
some dramatic sequence is beyond me. Now we're at the GM's room, where Colin signs his contract, and is subsequently
put in a match with Mike Knox...again. Can't wait to see that!
Still standing here in Grand Rapids, Michigan, by the way.
CM Punk Vs. The Miz w/o Morrison (Chick magnet sent his lizard ass to the back)
CM Punk and Kane going for the tag team champs eh (the good ones, not CAWdy and the Rookie
Monster)? Interesting. Crap, but interesting.
Extended waistlock on the Miz to start, while Adamle insinuates CM Punk is gay. Can
this man sink no lower? Miz eventually takes over and gets his mostly hitty offense in. And, man, Miz busting
some shit out here as he gets CM in the 619 position, then jumping off of CM's back over the top rope, and snagging Punk's
head as he comes down. Essentially, a basic move with a whole lot of flash added. Gotta tip my (gay fedora) hat
to the guy.
CM turns things around with a snap powerslam, followed by Pepsi One. I'm a Vitamin Water
man myself. More kicks from CM into trading some pins, but nottttt quite amateur wrestling level here. Miz goes
for the Reality check knee, but CM Punk tries to counter into the Go To Sleep, which Miz slips out of and hits the second
part of the Reality Check (the neckbreaker) for the win. I'd laugh if I wasn't busy crying from how awful typing that
was.
Winner: Miz
What stood out: Gotta go with a tie here. Miz definitely impressed me with a couple
of his moves, which, as a member of the IWC, pains me to no end to type. Also, CM continues his SUPER DUPER IMPRESSIVE
run as Money in the Bank holder, which, as a member of the IWC, pains me to no end to type.
DIVA FEVA time. Oh boy.
Kelly Kelly, Cherry, and Michelle McCool Vs. Layla, Natalya, and Victoria
I like the heel team already - they forgo last names. They're so cool.
Michelle and Natalya start, and rightfully starts with the heels beating the hell out of Michelle
Undertaker. She eventually turns that around on Victoria, and Cherry comes in, but a blind tag back to Natalya (Notice
a certain two haven't been in yet) wipes her ass out with a clothesline. And man, I know I've heard stories that Cherry's
got some major funbags, but DAMN they came out in the open when Natalya pulls her arms back (I'm thinking that's a bow and
arrow but oh well). Three thumbs up (care to guess where number 3 is?). Anyway, Victoria comes back in,
and also uncorks on Cherry, but a momentary distraction from Kelly leads to the DEADLY schoolgirl for the win.
Winner: Kelly Kelly, Cherry, Michelle McCool
What stood out: The funny thing is that WWE KNOWS some of their divas can't wrestle
at all. Kelly and Layla did about one hit apiece and THAT'S IT. I imagine Johnny Ace nicknamed them both "Hoover"
for their...umm...ability to stay employed? Yeah, that's it.
Interview with Shelton Benjamin, saying how he'll end Kingston's winning ways. Definitely
this time. Seriously. Anyway, Little Jacob comes in, wishes him luck, and they get in a fight as he was interrupting
Shelton's interview time. Good enough reasoning, as Shelton needs all the time he can get at this point.
Recap of Backlash into last night's RAW ending. Notice the distinct lack of Vaseline
on this dignity raping (not the haircut). Seriously, motherfuckers have to repeat Hunter's RKOing about 50 times over
to make it look like Randy got some offense in.
Now, more video goodness of Colin's trip to employment. I imagine he stayed so thin
as, clearly, since he wasn't employed, he couldn't afford any food. Whew, good thing he got that contract, now he can
go buy a box of cereal - and not steal it from the LUXURIOUS catering table in the back!
Colin Delaney Vs. Mike Knox
Colin gets the generic rock treatment with the new entrance music, but still gets the titantron
of having his ass handed to him. Dare to dream, young man. Oh also, I am a fan of Knox's music. Really!
Colin actually attempts some offense as the match starts, though obviously, as he is small,
and LOGICALLY therefore useless, this is quickly turned into Knox's spinny thing.
Winner: Knox
What stood out: Wait for it...
After the match, Big Dave Estrada comes out, and makes a rematch of the millennium, with:
Colin Delaney Vs. Armando Estrada
Squash numero dos por favor. Reverse suplex into a reverse DDT wins this one.
Winner: Estrada
What stood out: OK, NOW back to what you read this recap for. So, if Armando Estrada
is an active competitor now, and he readily admits he gave himself a big ol' wrestler's contract, does he stay GM? If
so, wouldn't that be a superbad breach of policy? I mean, what's next?
"I gives myself a solid gold telephone!"
Yep, sounds about right. Oh, also I probably thought way too much into this.
Kane Vs. John Morrison
Notice how Miz is still out for Kane, yet he could beat CM Punk fair and square right in the
middle of the ring. Jobber to the stars? What's that?
Speaking of jobber to the stars, Kane dominates in the early going, though Morrison does do
some acrobatic evasion. Not that it means anything, as you see, POWER WINS ALL THE TIME. Morrison soon goes for
the left knee with various frilly and furry kicks and the like. Miz tries to interfere to further damage the knee, but
CM Punk comes out, presumably to get his ass kicked once again, as we go to break.
Coming out of the break, Kane is dominating. Surprise! But not really. Chinlock
city from KANE (aka, the face), but then Morrison goes for the leg again, but still no sale my friend. Morrison FINALLY
gets Kane down, as he goes for more leglocky restholds. This goes on for quite a number of minutes before Kane makes
his comeback. After a sidewalk slam, Kane goes for his sort of flying clothesline, then the chokeslam. Miz tries
to interfere, but CM tries to stop that shit, but of course, because it's CM Punk, he gets taken out with the quickness (tossed
into the steps this time). Miz goes back to distracting, letting Morrison get his springboard roundhouse kick for the
win.
Winner: John Morrison
What stood out: This match had some decent psychology going for it (Morrison was attacking
the leg that Chavo and BAM were working over the past few weeks), but Kane dominating most of the match hurt it a little bit.
There's no middle ground with face vulnerability nowadays. Either you're unstoppable (Kane) or you get the shit kicked
out of you like a Alabama housewife on a daily basis (CM Punk).
Heels go to town on Kane after the bell, which prompts CM Punk to be useless again in stopping
them. He gets his ass beat AGAIN (whole Reality Check this time), and the heels celebrate up the ramp. THE END.
Uppers: Actually not a half bad show
tonight, as the opener and closer were pretty good fare. Actually, bar the quickie squashmania in the middle of the
show, the wrestling for ECW was on point tonight. Also, given the very limited amount of time until the PPV, they managed
to put together a decent story for the ECW tag match. Tag champs commentate on a match one week, get booked in a match
for the PPV the next, and proceed to dominate their opponents, setting up whether or not the faces can rally on Sunday.
Simple. Obviously, this will probably be the opener for Judgment Day, but it gets the job done nicely.
Downers: Ok, so Colin gets a contract.
Nice to see NOTHING'S CHANGED. Also, I haven't really heard rave reviews of Estrada's wrestling in the past, but I know
he's a good talker, so moving him into the ring, eh, I dunno about that. Also, CM Punk continuing his wonderfully pathetic
ways is rather depressing. At least this week it made some sort of sense, but, damn man, how is this guy supposed to
challenge for a WORLD FUCKING TITLE?
Overall: Definitely a good showing this
week. However, this week as a whole is pretty much WWE trying badly to fill out the card for Judgment Day. Mickie,
Beth, and Melina had a match last night? Why, make a match this Sunday! Tag champs commentated on a match last
week? Make a match this Sunday! I imagine the same crap will be popping up on SmackDown Friday. But yeah,
good shit. Consider me entertained, possibly in a world wrestling variety.
Same as it has been for 25 years, I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired, 'til
next week.
So, as you may or may not know, Cameron's birthday was yesterday. So, no
RAW Report from him. Or anybody it seems. Sean asked me to do it, but sadly I had plans that cut into a good portion
of the broadcast. I like to recap the whole thing, or nothing at all. Well, except the last time I recapped
Raw.
Anyway, since like a loving wife to an abusive husband, you keep crawling back
to TWF for all things wrestling, I'm going to do you a solid. How about some random thoughts on last night's Raw from
yours truly? No? Well fuck you guys, you're getting it anyway:
- Seeing how the amount of time between Judgment Day and One Night Stand is only
2 weeks, this Raw was all about making matches. By the time it was over, FOUR matches were already booked and ready
to go. Ummmmm, here's a thought. Maybe not rape the wallets of your viewers, letting them breathe a little
bit before you rip them off another $40 they'd blindly pay for sub-par building? Maybe?
- Of course, since WCW Uncensored was such a great idea, all of the matches on
the card are once again gimmick matches, just like last year. I honestly believe that there's a trophy in the board
room at Titan towers, congratulating Creative on quite effectively changing one of the best PPVs in years to one of
the worst. I would suspect that if they plan on axing a show from the schedule in the next year, it can easily
be One Night Stand.
- Peg Bundy...I mean Mickie James and Katie Lea eh? I can get behind that.
Or under. Or on top. You get the picture.
- The matches were good, for the most part. Batista and Jericho I think was
a little off though, which I'll fully blame big Dave for.
- Finally, it's going to be Orton and Hunter in a last. man. standing. match. at
One Night Stand. So, just to put the final nail in the coffin, HHH gets his only loss to Orton back.
Now, one more thing, relating to Raw. Regal's gone! Just when I was
warming up to the guy. Not exactly planned, but they went with it. I think we have the 2008 trend - Wrestlers
fucking up their pushes with substance abuse. 2007 was, of course, DEATH. Seriously though, are drugs THAT
good? I don't plan on finding out, but I guess addiction is a funny thing. At least the rest of the roster knows
there's no more fucking around. Well, unless your last name is Orton. In that case, do whatever the hell
you want!
Here's hoping Regal can finally kick this drug habit that's been nagging him for
years, as he really had struck gold with his current role. Now then, let's get this shit train rolling!
Still standing here in Des Moines! And we're getting right the fuck into it, with
Armando, Morrison, Chavo, Dreamer, and CM Punk in the ring. And in continuing with gimmickpalooza within two weeks,
Browntista announces a fatal four way Singapore cane match between the four at One Night Stand for the #1 contendership for
the ECW title, along with a tag match as the main event tonight (Morrison and Chavo vs. the other two). I can
approve of such, as there's four good hands in the ring in that case.
The Miz Vs. Kane
Miz with a mike (Ha! See, his name is Mike! I'm here all night people). Duck and cover
people! After complaining about his chokeslamming last night, he gloats about how he's going to beat Kane. Kane
immediately comes out and shuts that shit up in a hurry with some power moves. Miz reverses here and there but continues
to get his ass beat until he manages to drive Kane into the post outside. Seeing his opening, Miz targets the
head, but still can only get a one count. Yes, a one count. Who kicks out at one anymore?
Kane eventually turns things around, hitting the sort-of flying clothesline, but going for
the chokeslam gets elbowed out of. Miz slaps Kane, which predictably sets him off, drawing the Chuck Palumbo DQ
(that is, he lost for beating Miz up too much).
Winner: The Miz
What stood out: See, THIS is how this kind of DQ works. Barely, but still works
better than the FACE winning because he was getting his ass kicked too much. It makes more sense for the heel to win
that way, as the good guy's rage keeping him from the victory is a tried and true story.
Kane keeps the beating going, giving a chokeslam, and was about to give Miz something brutal
before Morrison pulls Miz out (Basically, he sandwiched his neck between the seat and back parts of a steel chair
and was going to stomp on that shit). Evil laugh and we're out.
Little Jacob Vs. Playboy X, match #101267
Opening with a history lesson. Shelton beats ass, Kofi hits one move and wins.
Got it? Good. 'Cause it's about to happen again.
Things are kept even-ish at the start, though they went for this spot that was more than a
little goofy. Shelton had him in the electric chair position, and I assume Kofi was to wiggle out and arm drag him,
but the end result was Kofi...ummm...leg dragging him. And they did this twice. Weirdness.
Anyway, they also make this thing a counter-fest, notably with Shelton transferring Kofi's
Leg drop into a jackknife pin. This only gets two, by the way.
Guess I should tell you the story by now. Near the start of the match, Shelton busts
Kofi's leg on the turnbuckle, and focuses on that the whole match. Finish comes when Kofi goes for Rolling Papers, but
misses, and the bum leg lets Shelton sneak in with his Paydirt for the win. Streak's over Bruddah.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
What stood out: Actually a very fun match, and a damn pain in the ass to keep track
of. A little sloppy at times (I'll attribute that to KK's relative newness), but still a good way to kill 5-10 minutes.
Given some time and some practice, I can say with a straight face that these two could put on quite the show. Take that
Michael Hayes!
Colin Delaney and Kelly Kelly Vs. Mike Knox and Layla
Colin hilariously points to Kelly while she's on the turnbuckle, basically saying nonverbally
"Yeah, getting my ass kicked for so long was a good thing after all."
Layla starts things off with some weak-ass offense, actually sending them both outside for
a bit. Kelly goes for a pin, bringing Knox into the fray. Colin tries to get in there as well, but that's stopped
in a hurry, bringing Knox and him to the outside. Fameasser shortly after this on Layla for the pin.
Winner: Kelly Kelly and Colin Delaney
What stood out: Taz stating "Man I love seeing Colin get his ass kicked, it's funny."
That got me chuckling. Oh also that was crazy short. I couldn't pound one out in the time
Knox hits his finisher soon after, and out comes Armando, and you know where this is going.
Armando Estrada Vs. Colin Delaney
Apparently his finisher is Goldust's old Curtain Call. Hadn't seen it in so long so
I was not sure. Anyway that's all he does to get the win.
Winner: Armando Estrada
What stood out: Apparently I discovered time travel, because I could've sworn I saw
this seven days ago...
Recap of the dethroning of King Nose Candy...I mean Regal. Picking
on the less fortunate is my God-given right as an American damn it. Great match though, with Kennedy's spin kick being
the highlight for me.
CM Punk and Tommy Dreamer Vs. John Morrison and Chavo Guerrero
I realize it's to loosen up his wrists, but CM Punk rubbing his hands together like that make
him look like Boxcar Willie warming his hands up by the tire fire.
Dreamer and CM Punk run wild to start, as these things go. The hilarity is not lost
on these two looking strong. Eventually, Morrison turns things around and the heels take turns beating on...wait for
it...CM Punk. Hilariously, CM tries to mount a comeback, but you know where this is going. In this case, Punk
gets electric chair dropped on the floor outside by Morrison. Silly CM, offense is for winners!
Back from break, Punk's fighting out of a surfboard, but then he gets Russian Legswept.
Chavo in, and puts CM in a hold of his own, which he then fights out of. Basically the pattern for the next few
minutes is, predictably, Chavo/Morrison takes turns stomping the shit out of CM, Punk gets a shot in here and there, but is
quickly stopped. Eventually though, CM Punk gets Pepsi One on Morrison, leading to the hot tag to Tommy.
Penthouse on fire here, scoring two with a pumphandle suplex. Morrison goes for the Moonlight Drive, countered into
the Dreamer DDT, but that's broken up by Chavo. Chavo soon after gets a Pin off the frog splash when there's mass
confusion.
Winners: Morrison and Chavo
What stood out:
Immediately after the pin, Big Show comes out and hands out chokeslams for everybody, and
announces himself in the #1 contender's match at ONS. Way to set those sights high Paul. THE END.
Uppers: Bar one area, all the matches
here tonight did damn well. What more can you ask for? Also, with only the #1 contendership being on the line
(title match will be at Vengeance) at One Night Stand, they're making strides to make the ECW title look like, something
important. A miracle, to be sure.
Downers: Big Show in the One Night Stand
#1 Contender's match. I mean, I like Big Show. Really, I do. In fact, I like him so much, that I recall
his post-WM speech, basically stating how he was going to run wild on the entire WWE. End result? He wants
the ECW title? Come on, should I buy this shit? Also, if they were hyping Kofi's streak as something big, having
him lose it in such a quickie match seems a little anticlimactic. Finally, Colin's usual bullshit is woefully
repetitive. Wow, he got beat up this week. How original.
Overall: ECW is making some strides, I have to hand it to them.
Keeping up this trend of using their one hour effectively may get some of those viewers back. Stranger things have happened.
But yeah, an entertaining show, and the second one in a row. Nicely done.
And as usual, I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired, 'til next week.
Ah, here we are again, doing the same old song and dance.
First off, I'd like to apologize. Re-reading last week's ECW report, man
oh man did I ever leave some details out. For instance, one of my TRADEMARKED "what stood out"s was completely blank.
Seeing how I got a massive backlash for that one (in the sense that it would appear I am the only one who cares - no
e-mails or forum posts), I'd like to say, I'm sorry Neil. I hope you can forgive me somehow. Don't worry,
I do Neil, I do. Hey, look, the orderlies are coming!
Secondly, quick plug to fellow recapper Anthony Dean, for constantly capitalizing
BAM NEELY, as to properly accentuate the stupidity of that fucking name. It's really the only way they'll learn.
So, if I can be remembered for only one thing on this site, let it be that. Internet celebrity is my life, you
see.
Next, I've been reading a whole lot of bitching about the new theme music for a
lot of the wrestlers. Since I know you care (yes you, right there, with the multiple chins and 1997 DX shirt), here's
my take on the big three - Kennedy, Jeff Hardy, and Randy Orton:
Kennedy - It's the same song, just more upbeat, to suit him being a face now.
Stop bitching.
Hardy - Not a fan. Probably seeing how he's had the same music for years
and years, giving him some generic rock not seen since Lashley's mix was not in good taste.
Orton - Actually, for the most part, I like this change. Simply because "Burn
in my Light" by Mercy Drive didn't exactly convey psycho legend killer heel too well. However, loudly proclaiming to
have voices in your head (listen to the lyrics) probably isn't the best way to get yourself taken seriously either.
Psycho Sid and his 28 fans say hi.
Finally, there's Vince from last night. Oh, WWE. Must you now pay the
audience to watch your crap? Reading around, it seems to me that there's some wiggle room on how he's going to do this
giveaway. My guess is that either he's going to give away an amount of money that over the next few weeks will
total a Million, or he's going to give away a Million a week, but to multiple people, so it won't be like one person
winning a million dollars each week. Regardless, smell that? It's desperation. Oh, I suppose the draft is
important too, but you know how that goes. Raw rapes Smackdown and ECW of all talent, and they get shit in return.
Speaking of shit, let's get this shit train a rollin'!
Still standing here in Colorado Springs! Starting off with some flashy new match
announcement graphics, as a beet red Boxcar Willie rubs his hands to keep warm. Just watch a replay, it'll make sense.
Trust me.
Big Show Vs. Tommy Dreamer
Recap of Show running over the competition from last week to start us off. CM Punk's
idol (in terms of winning percentage) is out next.
Show starts off with some typewriters (headbutts), skillets (chops), and tree trunks (kicks).
He really is an inspirational story, you know. Why, if a man with so many physical deformities can get hitched,
there's hope for anyone out there!
Dreamer eventually tries to take over by clipping the knee, but that's shut down in a hurry
with chopping Dreamer as he comes off the middle rope for...eh, hell if I know. Chokeslam right after finishes
this one.
Winner: Big Show
What stood out: Too short a match to really notice anything in the ring, but hey, Adamle
isn't fucking up nearly as much now...that has to count for something, right?
Video package of Big Show winning the ECW Championship the first time follows the match.
Done in Philly actually, and it shows, as the ECW die-hards vigorously pelt Show and Heyman with some Yuengling
(it's a beer for you non-locals, and an awesome one at that). One beer even manages to tag them right in the face, which
gets a chuckle out of me, as they had to completely no-sell it. But yeah, there's a reason they aren't doing ECW
shows at the Hammerstein or New Alhambra anymore...
Recap of Shelton's win over Kofi last week, with commentary from the gold standard himself.
Game plan my ass. Looking back, seems like they were improvising a lot in there. I could be wrong though.
I'm just the man, keeping the black community down, you know. Never mind the fact that my family came here well
after slavery and all...
Kofi Kingston Vs. Mike Knox
Kofi opens up with some kicks, as Shelton makes some funny comparisons, saying Kofi is the
monkey man from Bloodsport. Awesome movie. Knox takes over soon after, and Kofi manages to actually get some
chants from the crowd! A first, if I believe. Kudos. Now pass that shit homie.
Knox now with an extended chinlock sequence, but eventually Kofi turns things around with
some running forearms and a front dropkick. Kofi after some Kofi-like offense (aka he jumps all over the place and
hits Knox with a cross-body off the top rope) is able to hit the Rolling Papers for the win.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
What stood out: Kofi chants. Also, looks like Kofi was a little rough on one of
those elbows, as a big gash was opened up above Knox's eye. Certainly helped him look cooler after what happened next...
Which was, of course, the post match beating. Shelton runs in, Kofi fights back, Knox
hits his spinning thing, and both of them gloat as Kofi flops about in the ring for about 3 minutes.
Recap video of CM Punk winning the championship against John Morrison. Still an
absolutely awesome match, that you should watch, RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Holy shit, remember when that happened? Holy
shit, remember when CM Punk won matches?
One more recap video of Chavo winning the championship. Not too big on the match,
seeing how years of training has forbidden me from taking Chavo Guerrero seriously. Fit into storylines well though.
CM Punk Vs. Chavo Guerrero w/wait for it...BAM NEELY (you love it)
No, I will not ever stop doing that. He should just change his name, he's the one who
sucks, not me.
Punk goes for the GTS early, as Tazz whacks his stick around (hey, it's to promote the kendo
stick match, so what's a little indecent exposure here and there?). Chavo has definitely picked it up in recent
days, as he's getting legit heat here. So does CM Punk, which I'm sure baffles creative to no end, as it seems they're
just about to bust out the backhoe to get more dirt on this guy. Even match so far, filled with strikes and counters,
but eventually Chavo takes over after a stungun to CM Punk's gut. And yes, he has a gut. Switch to Diet Pepsi
man.
Shortly after a commercial break, CM is able to turn things around, back body dropping Chavo
to the outside. BAM checks on Chavo, and is also able to yank the opposite top rope down when Punk tries to bounce
off it for a baseball slide. Some quick shots before throwing CM Punk back in, but only a two is earned as NEELY looks
on WITH INTENSITY. Body scissors gets fought out of, and CM ends up nailing a spin kick to the pec (I assume he
was going for the head) to get back on offense. Chavo gets some more shots in, but CM hits a backfist with another spin
kick for two. Nice sequence follows, as Chavo hits two of the three amigos, but the third is countered into lifting
up for the GTS. However, THAT is countered into a hurricanrana. Punk then is able to get Chavo into the corner,
but when he goes for the Pepsi One, it ends up in him getting rolled up con tights for the three. Punk lost?
I am shocked!
Winner: Chavo Guerrero
What stood out: Punk, once again, upholds his sterling reputation of being a bitch not
seen since Tommy Dreamer. Fuck, who thought those two were going to win last week? That would be like putting
money on Batista getting the championship in the middle of last year. "Oh, he'll win this time, the last 6 times
were flukes, I swear!"
Video recap of Tommy Dreamer's mircoreign as champ. Notice how he actually cared
so much about that company. I imagine after boning Beulah every night, he cuts himself a little bit, just to remind
himself what hell it is to be working for the current incarnation of ECW. I'm right there with you, Tommy.
Recap of the EPIC announcement from last night. Have to hand it to the production
guys, they certainly made this announcement a lot more exciting than it actually came across with the audience. Lena
Yada gets to make herself remotely useful right after, interviewing Colin Delaney on both the money thing and the draft.
Colin is good on the mic, no doubt there, as his nervous persona is done to a T. Who does he want to go to Raw
or SmackDown? Why, Browntista of course.
One last video recap of John Morrison winning the championship. You know, that night.
The one where a certain figment of our imagination was having a bit of competition with their family. I'm partial to
Parcheesi myself, but suffocation roulette works too.
John Morrison and Miz Vs. Kane
Match starts off with some nice double teaming on Kane, but of course, Kane, being the BIG
RED MACHINE, is able to power back and beat the everloving shit out of the Miz. Sort-of flying clothesline connects,
but when Kane goes for the chokeslam, Morrison comes in for the constant double team for the DQ.
Winner: Kane
What stood out: So, let me get this straight.
Kane and CM Punk, they have no problem overcoming. Kane only, they have to disqualify themselves to survive. Yeah.
It all comes back to CM Punk being a bitch.
All the contenders in the Kendo Stick match are in after the bell, as Big Show and Kane clear
the ring. Obviously, this leads to the big staredown between the two. Shades of May 19th! THE END.
Uppers: Opposite of usual weeks, as
the middle segments made this show tonight. Kofi and Knox worked fairly well, along with CM Punk and Chavo having a
damn good match. They also managed to get over the importance of the Kendo Stick match all episode long, so this
show did its' job for the most part. No complaints from me.
Downers: Just kidding. Like I said,
this show was the opposite of usual weeks, as the opening and closing matches were way too short and thusly suffered quite
a bit. While the match was decent, where is Kofi going? He's already beaten the guy he's feuding with, clean,
twice! The fans want to cheer the guy, but they need to give his black ass a direction, and fast. Oh also, the
job streak continues for one CM Punk. You know the drill by now.
Overall: A slight step down, but still perfectly
tolerable TV. ECW is on a sort of roll, in that they have some sort of direction going. Slight variety in matches
too. Remember the CM Punk Vs. John Morrison best of eternity series about a year ago? Don't get me wrong,
the matches were great, but damn, that got old after a while. If anything, we can be thankful that Kane took the news
of being moved to ECW and being champ a whole lot better than the last SmackDown guy that was planned for...
Once again, I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired, 'til next week.
