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ECW: The Next Generation

By Neil McGilloway
(May 2008 Archives.)

May 06, 2008
May 13, 2008
May 20, 2008
May 27, 2008

100 episodes.  Obviously, you're thinking the same thing as I am, namely, "How in the hell did that happen?"  Well, when you're on the Sci-Fi network, it's either this, or Bloodrayne: Deliverance...
To help celebrate the MOMENTOUS OCCASION, I'll be chiming in with my fond memories of ECW...that you, of course, base your entire life on knowing.
Oh, also before I forget, I finally got some reader feedback.  Yay, recognition!  He said good things about my report, so I'll have to thank him for that.  However, in the interest of privacy (because, let's face it, who is going to be proud of praising a guy who does an ECW Report), I shall not mention the guy's name.  But he knows.  Oh, he knows.
For the 100th time (OK, not even close in my case, but it sure feels like it already!), let's get this shit train rolling!

Show opening with a montage to make this show look at least somewhat entertaining.  The guy who made that deserves a raise for pulling off that miracle.
Still standing here in...umm, I don't know? Somewhere in Canada?  All those towns are the same, right?  And we start off with a whimper as Mike Adamle comes out to do some 'splainin'.  Adamle has stock in the word "tremendous" apparently.  Also, he is pretty clearly been reading this speech all day, as you can tell from the frequent pauses and going over it in his head.  Embarrassing.  SO yeah, the gist of this speech is that he's quite aware of him sucking ass, but he's trying damn it!  Now let's get to the fun!
Tommy Dreamer Vs. Mike Knox, Extreme Rules
Fun?  Yoo-hoo, where are you?
Ooh la la, Stevie's doing some commentary as well, giving the viewers a history lesson in ECW.  Sorry Stevie, they're too busy collectively sucking John Cena's unit to care.
Match starts off with some basic hits, then once it goes to the outside, the shopping cart full o' goodies comes into play, with the EXTREME cookie sheet getting busted upside Dreamer's head.  Oh and apparently, to drive the point home, this is a HARDCORE extreme rules match (according to you know who).  Lovely.
Knox tries to use a trashcan, but Dreamer stops that shit in a hurry.  Apparently Canadians have boat paddles handy in case of emergency too.  Good to know.  Eventually, Dreamer gets Knox in the Tree of Woe, climaxing with a dropkick with the assist from the shopping cart and trash can. Nice spot, getting a mild Holy Shit from the crowd.  Momentum shifts as Dreamer gets belly-to-backed through a table, earning a two.  Knox then shows he still has no skills with the steel chair, missing a swing, but recovers with a low blow, hitting his spinning thing on the chair for the win.
Winner:  Mike Knox
What Stood Out:  I just recalled that this was the first extreme rules match in a long-ass time, and I thought it was pretty good fare.  I suppose holding off on these matches makes them more special or something like that.  Still, best Knox has looked in...um...forever?

Their Flashback:  Episode 1 with THE ZOMBIE getting the dust caned off him courtesy of the Sandman.  I can admit I laughed at that the first time I saw it.  Does that make me less of a man?
My Flashback:  Me downloading Episode 2.  MACHO LIBRE, BABY.  Still lurking on my computer somewhere actually, as I watched it about a week ago.

The return of a perennial favorite I'm sure, Kelly's Expose!  As in, the version that has her dancing awfully by herself in the ring.  But hey, she can unzip her top! BE AMAZED.
Layla saves this somewhat by showing up and subsequently showing her how to dance, but this turns into a full on DANCE WAR, and ends with an obligatory catfight.  Yawn.  No reaction whatsoever from the crowd either.

Their Flashback:  Holly slicing his back to all shit, then completing the match.  Gutsy performance by an otherwise worthless waste of life.  *golf clap*
My Flashback:  ECW One Night Stand 2005, to this date, is the ONLY whole PPV that I will watch over and over.  Fantastic is the only word used to describe this show.
Their Flashback:  Boogeyman giving Matt Striker his awful recipe for Dirt and Worms for his birthday. 
My Flashback:  Now, going back to the original ECW, I can admit that I did not watch the show much at all.  In fact, I only came around to it after WWF and WCW buttfucked the company into the ground already.

Hey, look at that, let's replay CM Punk's credibility flushing down the toilet!  Short and shitty promo by Chuck Palumbo, which I will transcribe entirely for you now:
"CM Punk, you get in my face again, and I'm knocking you out."
Seriously, that was the whole promo.

Kofi Kingston Vs. Matt Striker w/ surprisingly non-gay tights on...don't look at me like that.
Shelton helps carry Adaml...I mean joins commentary for this match.  And they STILL DO NOT LET GO OF JAMAICAN ME CRAZY.
Quick and basic match here, with it basically being over before it starts with the rolling papers.
Winner:  Kofi Kingston
What stood out:  Before the kick happened, Kofi did some weird-ass bounce off the ropes, that I can still NOT figure out how the hell he did it.  Impressive, stringy man.  Have a blunt on me.
After the match, Shelton gets a cheap shot in, and that's all there is to it.  ADD?  What's that?

Colin walking WITH PURPOSE as ECW/Smackdown scrubs cheer him on.  CM Punk was in the group too.  Yes, he's a scrub now too, get over it bitches.

Their Flashback:  New Breed Vs. Originals, WM Rematch.  Sure looked like a good match there.
My Flashback:  I can say, that based on word of mouth, that Taz was one of the most dominant wrestlers in the original ECW.  I can also say I was legitimately surprised when I found out he was black.  Seriously.  Please don't kick my ass.

Colin Delaney w/o self-deprecating TitanTron Vs. Arrrrrrrrrrmando Estrrrrrrrrrada w/o Alejandro, or natural muscles
Looks like Armando has been smuggling more than cigars over the border, from a look at that physique.
GM beating the hell out of Colin to start, and looking pretty impressive for a guy who hasn't wrestled much at all on TV.  Armando misses with the corner avalanche to switch things around, but that's ended quickly with Colin getting slinged into the ropes.  However, this comes to a sudden end with a surprise roll up by Colin for the win.
What stood out:  Armando's labyrinthe vein structure on his arms.  Seriously, he was getting into Batista territory with that shit.  Are Managers exempt from wellness?
Post-match, Tazz gets a quick interview in, which basically comes off as an award acceptance speech.  Surprisingly, the dude manages to get a little bit of a pop, so kudos to that.

Recap of 'taker dropping the title on SmackDown.  Blah, blah, controversy, who cares?  Damn chokehold needs a name still!

Chavo Guerrero and BAM NEELY (apparently off-duty as he's not wearing his suit this time) Vs. CM Punk and Kane
Gotta hand it to Punk, no matter how hard they try to make him look like crap, he still gets cheers from the crowd.  Also, for some strange reason, Morrison and Miz are on commentary.  Really, what's the connection here?
Kane and BAM start out, as they trade generic power moves to start.  Tag to Punk who fares surprisingly well against Chavo and BAM (well, given last week, him getting offense is surprisingly well).  Chavo gets tossed to the outside, along with trademarked awkward silence from Adamle.  However BAM manages to catch him, like a knight in shining armor.  Or in this case, shining oiled-up skin.
Back from break as BAM takes over on CM, tagging in Chavo.  Chavo getting decent heat from the crowd as well, good for him.  Only took 100 "epithodes" of ECW to do what the other decade of his career could not.  BAM in, as he FINALLY does a wrestling hold, hitting a belly to back on CM Punk, mixed in with the generic punching and kicking.  Kane tries to intervene, but of course that distracts the ref while Chavo and BAM do the monkey on CM's back.  And now I learned something today.   BAM supposed to be former Border Patrol, and known as, "the human fence?"  Shouldn't he be naturally inclined to toss Chavo over the nearest wall?  It's all they know.
Eventually, hot tag to Kane, who busts out all of his trademark spots (hitting, clothesline from the top, etc.).  Punk in, hitting the Pepsi One, as Kane keeps BAM from interfering,  letting CM Punk hit Chavo with the GTS for the win.
Winner:  CM Punk and Kane
What stood out:  CM Punk gets a straight-up win.  Good for him.  Maybe they realized that him being utterly obliterated last week wasn't exactly the best way to build up a guy who just won Money in the Bank...
Faces celebrate, as Miz and Morrison hold up their belts.  The announcers speculate that this may be a potential feud (why, I'll never know) as the four stare longingly into each other's eyes.  Awwwwww.  THE END.

Uppers:  Well, the show was not as offensive as last week, so let's start with that.  Also, none of the matches were particularly terrible.  The beginning and end matches were given enough time for them to matter, and it showed.  Especially in the main event, as everyone in the match got some decent crowd noise, and the place popped pretty well when the faces won.  So, yeah, WWE?  Work with that.
Downers:  Kelly's Expose proves to be as useless as ever.  Still not a fan of quick matches, sorry.  Kofi gets some crowd action, but he's no Snitsky.  Give the man some time, and the crowd will certainly buy into him, resulting in a winner of a babyface.  Or, they'll realize he sucks, and boo him right out of wrestling.  Either way, I win, and that's what matters.  Finally, I find it somewhat funny that WWE knows Adamle sucks, and it's not just a gimmick.  So how do they rectify the problem?  Fire him? Nope, let's just send guys that aren't working tonight to pick up his slack!  Ugh.  Why couldn't I have gotten Foley?  IT WOULD HAVE MADE SENSE DAMN IT.
Overall:  100 episodes of status-quo people, enjoy it.  As an individual episode, it was firmly in the middle, but I can be optimistic and say it was a good episode when you add in the history pieces.  Knowing some of the shit viewers have been through, you can definitely be more appreciative of a "firmly in the middle" evening.
I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired (though how could I when I'm so masochistic? I'm PERFECT for this job!), 'til next week.

So, here we are again.  I'm really not into the best of moods tonight, seeing how the Flyers are about to go 0-3 against the Penguins.  Seriously, what a fucking stupid team name.  Oooooh, penguins, scary.  Fuck them.  End of story.
On the wrestling side, I know this is a pointless question to ask, but can Triple H possibly show any type of weakness at any time?  Just curious, seeing how he's pretty much dominated this feud with Randy Orton, save one RKO'ing.  HHHe's going to win Sunday, essentially finishing the job he started in October of putting the boots to Randy's credibility.  Oh well, some people choose food for sustenance, and Hunter chooses feeding off the tears of potential threats to his spot.  It's really all about choices.

Opening montage of Colin Delaney winning his match last week, and the contract, against brown Batista (Armando Estrada).  I recall this match only going a couple of minutes, so how they can extend it out to some dramatic sequence is beyond me.  Now we're at the GM's room, where Colin signs his contract, and is subsequently put in a match with Mike Knox...again.  Can't wait to see that!
Still standing here in Grand Rapids, Michigan, by the way.

CM Punk Vs. The Miz w/o Morrison (Chick magnet sent his lizard ass to the back)
CM Punk and Kane going for the tag team champs eh (the good ones, not CAWdy and the Rookie Monster)?  Interesting.  Crap, but interesting.
Extended waistlock on the Miz to start, while Adamle insinuates CM Punk is gay.  Can this man sink no lower?  Miz eventually takes over and gets his mostly hitty offense in.  And, man, Miz busting some shit out here as he gets CM in the 619 position, then jumping off of CM's back over the top rope, and snagging Punk's head as he comes down.  Essentially, a basic move with a whole lot of flash added.  Gotta tip my (gay fedora) hat to the guy.
CM turns things around with a snap powerslam, followed by Pepsi One.  I'm a Vitamin Water man myself.  More kicks from CM into trading some pins, but nottttt quite amateur wrestling level here.  Miz goes for the Reality check knee, but CM Punk tries to counter into the Go To Sleep, which Miz slips out of and hits the second part of the Reality Check (the neckbreaker) for the win.  I'd laugh if I wasn't busy crying from how awful typing that was.
Winner:  Miz
What stood out:  Gotta go with a tie here.  Miz definitely impressed me with a couple of his moves, which, as a member of the IWC, pains me to no end to type.  Also, CM continues his SUPER DUPER IMPRESSIVE run as Money in the Bank holder, which, as a member of the IWC, pains me to no end to type.

DIVA FEVA time.  Oh boy.
Kelly Kelly, Cherry, and Michelle McCool Vs. Layla, Natalya, and Victoria
I like the heel team already - they forgo last names.  They're so cool.
Michelle and Natalya start, and rightfully starts with the heels beating the hell out of Michelle Undertaker.  She eventually turns that around on Victoria, and Cherry comes in, but a blind tag back to Natalya (Notice a certain two haven't been in yet) wipes her ass out with a clothesline.  And man, I know I've heard stories that Cherry's got some major funbags, but DAMN they came out in the open when Natalya pulls her arms back (I'm thinking that's a bow and arrow but oh well).   Three thumbs up (care to guess where number 3 is?).  Anyway, Victoria comes back in, and also uncorks on Cherry, but a momentary distraction from Kelly leads to the DEADLY schoolgirl for the win.
Winner:  Kelly Kelly, Cherry, Michelle McCool
What stood out:  The funny thing is that WWE KNOWS some of their divas can't wrestle at all.  Kelly and Layla did about one hit apiece and THAT'S IT.  I imagine Johnny Ace nicknamed them both "Hoover" for their...umm...ability to stay employed?  Yeah, that's it.

Interview with Shelton Benjamin, saying how he'll end Kingston's winning ways.  Definitely this time.  Seriously.  Anyway, Little Jacob comes in, wishes him luck, and they get in a fight as he was interrupting Shelton's interview time.  Good enough reasoning, as Shelton needs all the time he can get at this point.

Recap of Backlash into last night's RAW ending.  Notice the distinct lack of Vaseline on this dignity raping (not the haircut).  Seriously, motherfuckers have to repeat Hunter's RKOing about 50 times over to make it look like Randy got some offense in.

Now, more video goodness of Colin's trip to employment.  I imagine he stayed so thin as, clearly, since he wasn't employed, he couldn't afford any food.  Whew, good thing he got that contract, now he can go buy a box of cereal - and not steal it from the LUXURIOUS catering table in the back!
Colin Delaney Vs. Mike Knox
Colin gets the generic rock treatment with the new entrance music, but still gets the titantron of having his ass handed to him.  Dare to dream, young man.  Oh also, I am a fan of Knox's music.  Really!
Colin actually attempts some offense as the match starts, though obviously, as he is small, and LOGICALLY therefore useless, this is quickly turned into Knox's spinny thing.
Winner:  Knox
What stood out:  Wait for it...
After the match, Big Dave Estrada comes out, and makes a rematch of the millennium, with:
Colin Delaney Vs. Armando Estrada
Squash numero dos por favor.  Reverse suplex into a reverse DDT wins this one.
Winner:  Estrada
What stood out:  OK, NOW back to what you read this recap for.  So, if Armando Estrada is an active competitor now, and he readily admits he gave himself a big ol' wrestler's contract, does he stay GM?  If so, wouldn't that be a superbad breach of policy?  I mean, what's next?
"I gives myself a solid gold telephone!"
Yep, sounds about right.  Oh, also I probably thought way too much into this.

Kane Vs. John Morrison
Notice how Miz is still out for Kane, yet he could beat CM Punk fair and square right in the middle of the ring.  Jobber to the stars?  What's that?
Speaking of jobber to the stars, Kane dominates in the early going, though Morrison does do some acrobatic evasion.  Not that it means anything, as you see, POWER WINS ALL THE TIME.  Morrison soon goes for the left knee with various frilly and furry kicks and the like.  Miz tries to interfere to further damage the knee, but CM Punk comes out, presumably to get his ass kicked once again, as we go to break.
Coming out of the break, Kane is dominating.  Surprise!  But not really.  Chinlock city from KANE (aka, the face), but then Morrison goes for the leg again, but still no sale my friend.  Morrison FINALLY gets Kane down, as he goes for more leglocky restholds.  This goes on for quite a number of minutes before Kane makes his comeback.  After a sidewalk slam, Kane goes for his sort of flying clothesline, then the chokeslam.  Miz tries to interfere, but CM tries to stop that shit, but of course, because it's CM Punk, he gets taken out with the quickness (tossed into the steps this time).  Miz goes back to distracting, letting Morrison get his springboard roundhouse kick for the win.
Winner:  John Morrison
What stood out:  This match had some decent psychology going for it (Morrison was attacking the leg that Chavo and BAM were working over the past few weeks), but Kane dominating most of the match hurt it a little bit.  There's no middle ground with face vulnerability nowadays.  Either you're unstoppable (Kane) or you get the shit kicked out of you like a Alabama housewife on a daily basis (CM Punk). 
Heels go to town on Kane after the bell, which prompts CM Punk to be useless again in stopping them.  He gets his ass beat AGAIN (whole Reality Check this time), and the heels celebrate up the ramp.  THE END.

Uppers:  Actually not a half bad show tonight, as the opener and closer were pretty good fare.  Actually, bar the quickie squashmania in the middle of the show, the wrestling for ECW was on point tonight.  Also, given the very limited amount of time until the PPV, they managed to put together a decent story for the ECW tag match.  Tag champs commentate on a match one week, get booked in a match for the PPV the next, and proceed to dominate their opponents, setting up whether or not the faces can rally on Sunday.  Simple.  Obviously, this will probably be the opener for Judgment Day, but it gets the job done nicely.
Downers:  Ok, so Colin gets a contract.  Nice to see NOTHING'S CHANGED.  Also, I haven't really heard rave reviews of Estrada's wrestling in the past, but I know he's a good talker, so moving him into the ring, eh, I dunno about that.  Also, CM Punk continuing his wonderfully pathetic ways is rather depressing.  At least this week it made some sort of sense, but, damn man, how is this guy supposed to challenge for a WORLD FUCKING TITLE?
Overall:  Definitely a good showing this week.  However, this week as a whole is pretty much WWE trying badly to fill out the card for Judgment Day.  Mickie, Beth, and Melina had a match last night?  Why, make a match this Sunday!  Tag champs commentated on a match last week?  Make a match this Sunday!  I imagine the same crap will be popping up on SmackDown Friday.  But yeah, good shit.  Consider me entertained, possibly in a world wrestling variety.

Same as it has been for 25 years, I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired, 'til next week.

So, as you may or may not know, Cameron's birthday was yesterday.  So, no RAW Report from him.  Or anybody it seems.  Sean asked me to do it, but sadly I had plans that cut into a good portion of the  broadcast.  I like to recap the whole thing, or nothing at all.  Well, except the last time I recapped Raw.
Anyway, since like a loving wife to an abusive husband, you keep crawling back to TWF for all things wrestling, I'm going to do you a solid.  How about some random thoughts on last night's Raw from yours truly?   No?  Well fuck you guys, you're getting it anyway:
- Seeing how the amount of time between Judgment Day and One Night Stand is only 2 weeks, this Raw was all about making matches.  By the time it was over, FOUR matches were already booked and ready to go.   Ummmmm, here's a thought.  Maybe not rape the wallets of your viewers, letting them breathe a little bit before you rip them off another $40 they'd blindly pay for sub-par building?  Maybe?
- Of course, since WCW Uncensored was such a great idea, all of the matches on the card are once again gimmick matches, just like last year.  I honestly believe that there's a trophy in the board room at  Titan towers, congratulating Creative on quite effectively changing one of the best PPVs in years to one of the worst.  I would suspect that if they plan on axing a show from the schedule in the next year,  it can easily be One Night Stand.
- Peg Bundy...I mean Mickie James and Katie Lea eh?  I can get behind that.  Or under.  Or on top.  You get the picture.
- The matches were good, for the most part.  Batista and Jericho I think was a little off though, which I'll fully blame big Dave for.
- Finally, it's going to be Orton and Hunter in a last. man. standing. match. at One Night Stand.  So, just to put the final nail in the coffin, HHH gets his only loss to Orton back.
Now, one more thing, relating to Raw.  Regal's gone!  Just when I was warming up to the guy.  Not exactly planned, but they went with it.  I think we have the 2008 trend - Wrestlers fucking up their pushes  with substance abuse.  2007 was, of course, DEATH.  Seriously though, are drugs THAT good?  I don't plan on finding out, but I guess addiction is a funny thing.  At least the rest of the roster knows there's  no more fucking around.  Well, unless your last name is Orton.  In that case, do whatever the hell you want!
Here's hoping Regal can finally kick this drug habit that's been nagging him for years, as he really had struck gold with his current role.  Now then, let's get this shit train rolling!

Still standing here in Des Moines!  And we're getting right the fuck into it, with Armando, Morrison, Chavo, Dreamer, and CM Punk in the ring.  And in continuing with gimmickpalooza within two weeks,  Browntista announces a fatal four way Singapore cane match between the four at One Night Stand for the #1 contendership for the ECW title, along with a tag match as the main event tonight (Morrison and Chavo  vs. the other two).  I can approve of such, as there's four good hands in the ring in that case.

The Miz Vs. Kane
Miz with a mike (Ha! See, his name is Mike! I'm here all night people).  Duck and cover people!  After complaining about his chokeslamming last night, he gloats about how he's going to beat Kane.  Kane  immediately comes out and shuts that shit up in a hurry with some power moves.  Miz reverses here and there but continues to get his ass beat until he manages to drive Kane into the post outside.  Seeing his  opening, Miz targets the head, but still can only get a one count.  Yes, a one count.  Who kicks out at one anymore?
Kane eventually turns things around, hitting the sort-of flying clothesline, but going for the chokeslam gets elbowed out of.  Miz slaps Kane, which predictably sets him off, drawing the Chuck Palumbo DQ  (that is, he lost for beating Miz up too much).
Winner:  The Miz
What stood out:  See, THIS is how this kind of DQ works.  Barely, but still works better than the FACE winning because he was getting his ass kicked too much.  It makes more sense for the heel to win that  way, as the good guy's rage keeping him from the victory is a tried and true story.
Kane keeps the beating going, giving a chokeslam, and was about to give Miz something brutal before Morrison pulls Miz out  (Basically, he sandwiched his neck between the seat and back parts of a steel chair  and was going to stomp on that shit).  Evil laugh and we're out.

Little Jacob Vs. Playboy X, match #101267
Opening with a history lesson.  Shelton beats ass, Kofi hits one move and wins.  Got it?  Good.  'Cause it's about to happen again.
Things are kept even-ish at the start, though they went for this spot that was more than a little goofy.  Shelton had him in the electric chair position, and I assume Kofi was to wiggle out and arm drag him,  but the end result was Kofi...ummm...leg dragging him.  And they did this twice.  Weirdness.
Anyway, they also make this thing a counter-fest, notably with Shelton transferring Kofi's Leg drop into a jackknife pin.  This only gets two, by the way.
Guess I should tell you the story by now.  Near the start of the match, Shelton busts Kofi's leg on the turnbuckle, and focuses on that the whole match.  Finish comes when Kofi goes for Rolling Papers, but  misses, and the bum leg lets Shelton sneak in with his Paydirt for the win.  Streak's over Bruddah.
Winner:  Shelton Benjamin
What stood out:  Actually a very fun match, and a damn pain in the ass to keep track of.  A little sloppy at times (I'll attribute that to KK's relative newness), but still a good way to kill 5-10 minutes.   Given some time and some practice, I can say with a straight face that these two could put on quite the show.  Take that Michael Hayes!

Colin Delaney and Kelly Kelly Vs. Mike Knox and Layla
Colin hilariously points to Kelly while she's on the turnbuckle, basically saying nonverbally "Yeah, getting my ass kicked for so long was a good thing after all."
Layla starts things off with some weak-ass offense, actually sending them both outside for a bit.  Kelly goes for a pin, bringing Knox into the fray.  Colin tries to get in there as well, but that's stopped  in a hurry, bringing Knox and him to the outside.  Fameasser shortly after this on Layla for the pin.
Winner:  Kelly Kelly and Colin Delaney
What stood out:  Taz stating "Man I love seeing Colin get his ass kicked, it's funny."  That got me chuckling.  Oh also that was crazy short.  I couldn't pound one out in the time
Knox hits his finisher soon after, and out comes Armando, and you know where this is going.
Armando Estrada Vs. Colin Delaney
Apparently his finisher is Goldust's old Curtain Call.  Hadn't seen it in so long so I was not sure.  Anyway that's all he does to get the win.
Winner:  Armando Estrada
What stood out:  Apparently I discovered time travel, because I could've sworn I saw this seven days ago...

Recap of the dethroning of King Nose Candy...I mean Regal.  Picking on the less fortunate is my God-given right as an American damn it.  Great match though, with Kennedy's spin kick being the highlight for  me.

CM Punk and Tommy Dreamer Vs. John Morrison and Chavo Guerrero
I realize it's to loosen up his wrists, but CM Punk rubbing his hands together like that make him look like Boxcar Willie warming his hands up by the tire fire.
Dreamer and CM Punk run wild to start, as these things go.  The hilarity is not lost on these two looking strong.  Eventually, Morrison turns things around and the heels take turns beating on...wait for  it...CM Punk.  Hilariously, CM tries to mount a comeback, but you know where this is going.  In this case, Punk gets electric chair dropped on the floor outside by Morrison.  Silly CM, offense is for  winners!
Back from break, Punk's fighting out of a surfboard, but then he gets Russian Legswept.  Chavo in, and puts CM in a hold of his own, which he then fights out of.  Basically the pattern for the next few  minutes is, predictably, Chavo/Morrison takes turns stomping the shit out of CM, Punk gets a shot in here and there, but is quickly stopped.  Eventually though, CM Punk gets Pepsi One on Morrison, leading to  the hot tag to Tommy.  Penthouse on fire here, scoring two with a pumphandle suplex.  Morrison goes for the Moonlight Drive, countered into the Dreamer DDT, but that's broken up by Chavo.  Chavo soon after  gets a Pin off the frog splash when there's mass confusion.
Winners:  Morrison and Chavo
What stood out: 
Immediately after the pin, Big Show comes out and hands out chokeslams for everybody, and announces himself in the #1 contender's match at ONS.  Way to set those sights high Paul.  THE END.

Uppers:  Bar one area, all the matches here tonight did damn well.  What more can you ask for?  Also, with only the #1 contendership being on the line (title match will be at Vengeance) at One Night Stand,  they're making strides to make the ECW title look like, something important.  A miracle, to be sure.
Downers:  Big Show in the One Night Stand #1 Contender's match.  I mean, I like Big Show.  Really, I do.  In fact, I like him so much, that I recall his post-WM speech, basically stating how he was going to  run wild on the entire WWE.  End result?  He wants the ECW title?  Come on, should I buy this shit?  Also, if they were hyping Kofi's streak as something big, having him lose it in such a quickie match seems  a little anticlimactic.  Finally, Colin's usual bullshit is woefully repetitive.  Wow, he got beat up this week.  How original.
Overall:  ECW is making some strides, I have to hand it to them.  Keeping up this trend of using their one hour effectively may get some of those viewers back.  Stranger things have happened.  But yeah, an  entertaining show, and the second one in a row.  Nicely done.

And as usual, I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired, 'til next week.


Ah, here we are again, doing the same old song and dance.
First off, I'd like to apologize.  Re-reading last week's ECW report, man oh man did I ever leave some details out.  For instance, one of my TRADEMARKED "what stood out"s was completely blank.  Seeing how I  got a massive backlash for that one (in the sense that it would appear I am the only one who cares - no e-mails or forum posts), I'd like to say, I'm sorry Neil.  I hope you can forgive me somehow.  Don't  worry, I do Neil, I do.  Hey, look, the orderlies are coming!
Secondly, quick plug to fellow recapper Anthony Dean, for constantly capitalizing BAM NEELY, as to properly accentuate the stupidity of that fucking name.  It's really the only way they'll learn.  So, if I  can be remembered for only one thing on this site, let it be that.  Internet celebrity is my life, you see.
Next, I've been reading a whole lot of bitching about the new theme music for a lot of the wrestlers.  Since I know you care (yes you, right there, with the multiple chins and 1997 DX shirt), here's my take  on the big three - Kennedy, Jeff Hardy, and Randy Orton:
Kennedy - It's the same song, just more upbeat, to suit him being a face now.  Stop bitching.
Hardy - Not a fan.  Probably seeing how he's had the same music for years and years, giving him some generic rock not seen since Lashley's mix was not in good taste.
Orton - Actually, for the most part, I like this change.  Simply because "Burn in my Light" by Mercy Drive didn't exactly convey psycho legend killer heel too well.  However, loudly proclaiming to have  voices in your head (listen to the lyrics) probably isn't the best way to get yourself taken seriously either.  Psycho Sid and his 28 fans say hi.
Finally, there's Vince from last night.  Oh, WWE.  Must you now pay the audience to watch your crap?  Reading around, it seems to me that there's some wiggle room on how he's going to do this giveaway.  My  guess is that either he's going to give away an amount of money that over the next few weeks will total a Million, or he's going to give away a Million a week, but to multiple people, so it won't be like one  person winning a million dollars each week.  Regardless, smell that?  It's desperation.  Oh, I suppose the draft is important too, but you know how that goes.  Raw rapes Smackdown and ECW of all talent, and  they get shit in return.
Speaking of shit, let's get this shit train a rollin'!

Still standing here in Colorado Springs!  Starting off with some flashy new match announcement graphics, as a beet red Boxcar Willie rubs his hands to keep warm.  Just watch a replay, it'll make sense.   Trust me.

Big Show Vs. Tommy Dreamer
Recap of Show running over the competition from last week to start us off.  CM Punk's idol (in terms of winning percentage) is out next.
Show starts off with some typewriters (headbutts), skillets (chops), and tree trunks (kicks).  He really is an inspirational story, you know.  Why, if a man with so many physical deformities can get hitched,  there's hope for anyone out there!
Dreamer eventually tries to take over by clipping the knee, but that's shut down in a hurry with chopping Dreamer as he comes off the middle rope for...eh, hell if I know.  Chokeslam right after finishes  this one.
Winner:  Big Show
What stood out:  Too short a match to really notice anything in the ring, but hey, Adamle isn't fucking up nearly as much now...that has to count for something, right?
Video package of Big Show winning the ECW Championship the first time follows the match.  Done in Philly actually, and it shows, as the ECW die-hards vigorously pelt Show and Heyman with some Yuengling   (it's a beer for you non-locals, and an awesome one at that).  One beer even manages to tag them right in the face, which gets a chuckle out of me, as they had to completely no-sell it.  But yeah, there's a  reason they aren't doing ECW shows at the Hammerstein or New Alhambra anymore...

Recap of Shelton's win over Kofi last week, with commentary from the gold standard himself.  Game plan my ass.  Looking back, seems like they were improvising a lot in there.  I could be wrong though.  I'm  just the man, keeping the black community down, you know.  Never mind the fact that my family came here well after slavery and all...
Kofi Kingston Vs. Mike Knox
Kofi opens up with some kicks, as Shelton makes some funny comparisons, saying Kofi is the monkey man from Bloodsport.  Awesome movie.  Knox takes over soon after, and Kofi manages to actually get some  chants from the crowd!  A first, if I believe.  Kudos.  Now pass that shit homie.
Knox now with an extended chinlock sequence, but eventually Kofi turns things around with some running forearms and a front dropkick.  Kofi after some Kofi-like offense (aka he jumps all over the place and  hits Knox with a cross-body off the top rope) is able to hit the Rolling Papers for the win.
Winner:  Kofi Kingston
What stood out:  Kofi chants.  Also, looks like Kofi was a little rough on one of those elbows, as a big gash was opened up above Knox's eye.  Certainly helped him look cooler after what happened next...
Which was, of course, the post match beating.  Shelton runs in, Kofi fights back, Knox hits his spinning thing, and both of them gloat as Kofi flops about in the ring for about 3 minutes.

Recap video of CM Punk winning the championship against John Morrison.  Still an absolutely awesome match, that you should watch, RIGHT FUCKING NOW.  Holy shit, remember when that happened?  Holy shit,  remember when CM Punk won matches?

One more recap video of Chavo winning the championship.  Not too big on the match, seeing how years of training has forbidden me from taking Chavo Guerrero seriously.  Fit into storylines well though.
CM Punk Vs. Chavo Guerrero w/wait for it...BAM NEELY (you love it)
No, I will not ever stop doing that.  He should just change his name, he's the one who sucks, not me.
Punk goes for the GTS early, as Tazz whacks his stick around (hey, it's to promote the kendo stick match, so what's a little indecent exposure here and there?).  Chavo has definitely picked it up in recent  days, as he's getting legit heat here.  So does CM Punk, which I'm sure baffles creative to no end, as it seems they're just about to bust out the backhoe to get more dirt on this guy.  Even match so far,  filled with strikes and counters, but eventually Chavo takes over after a stungun to CM Punk's gut.  And yes, he has a gut.  Switch to Diet Pepsi man.
Shortly after a commercial break, CM is able to turn things around, back body dropping Chavo to the outside.  BAM checks on Chavo, and is also able to yank the opposite top rope down when Punk tries to  bounce off it for a baseball slide.  Some quick shots before throwing CM Punk back in, but only a two is earned as NEELY looks on WITH INTENSITY.  Body scissors gets fought out of, and CM ends up nailing a  spin kick to the pec (I assume he was going for the head) to get back on offense.  Chavo gets some more shots in, but CM hits a backfist with another spin kick for two.  Nice sequence follows, as Chavo hits  two of the three amigos, but the third is countered into lifting up for the GTS.  However, THAT is countered into a hurricanrana.  Punk then is able to get Chavo into the corner, but when he goes for the  Pepsi One, it ends up in him getting rolled up con tights for the three.  Punk lost?  I am shocked!
Winner:  Chavo Guerrero
What stood out:  Punk, once again, upholds his sterling reputation of being a bitch not seen since Tommy Dreamer.  Fuck, who thought those two were going to win last week?  That would be like putting money  on Batista getting the championship in the middle of last year.  "Oh, he'll win this time, the last 6 times were flukes, I swear!"

Video recap of Tommy Dreamer's mircoreign as champ.  Notice how he actually cared so much about that company.  I imagine after boning Beulah every night, he cuts himself a little bit, just to remind himself  what hell it is to be working for the current incarnation of ECW.  I'm right there with you, Tommy.

Recap of the EPIC announcement from last night.  Have to hand it to the production guys, they certainly made this announcement a lot more exciting than it actually came across with the audience.  Lena Yada  gets to make herself remotely useful right after, interviewing Colin Delaney on both the money thing and the draft.  Colin is good on the mic, no doubt there, as his nervous persona is done to a T.  Who does  he want to go to Raw or SmackDown?  Why, Browntista of course.

One last video recap of John Morrison winning the championship.  You know, that night.  The one where a certain figment of our imagination was having a bit of competition with their family.  I'm partial to  Parcheesi myself, but suffocation roulette works too.
John Morrison and Miz Vs. Kane
Match starts off with some nice double teaming on Kane, but of course, Kane, being the BIG RED MACHINE, is able to power back and beat the everloving shit out of the Miz.  Sort-of flying clothesline  connects, but when Kane goes for the chokeslam, Morrison comes in for the constant double team for the DQ.
Winner:  Kane
What stood out:  So, let me get this straight.  Kane and CM Punk, they have no problem overcoming.  Kane only, they have to disqualify themselves to survive.  Yeah.  It all comes back to CM Punk being a  bitch.
All the contenders in the Kendo Stick match are in after the bell, as Big Show and Kane clear the ring.  Obviously, this leads to the big staredown between the two.  Shades of May 19th!  THE END.

Uppers:  Opposite of usual weeks, as the middle segments made this show tonight.  Kofi and Knox worked fairly well, along with CM Punk and Chavo having a damn good match.  They also managed to get over the  importance of the Kendo Stick match all episode long, so this show did its' job for the most part.  No complaints from me.
Downers:  Just kidding.  Like I said, this show was the opposite of usual weeks, as the opening and closing matches were way too short and thusly suffered quite a bit.  While the match was decent, where is  Kofi going?  He's already beaten the guy he's feuding with, clean, twice!  The fans want to cheer the guy, but they need to give his black ass a direction, and fast.  Oh also, the job streak continues for  one CM Punk.  You know the drill by now.
Overall:  A slight step down, but still perfectly tolerable TV.  ECW is on a sort of roll, in that they have some sort of direction going.  Slight variety in matches too.  Remember the CM Punk Vs. John  Morrison best of eternity series about a year ago?  Don't get me wrong, the matches were great, but damn, that got old after a while.  If anything, we can be thankful that Kane took the news of being moved  to ECW and being champ a whole lot better than the last SmackDown guy that was planned for...
Once again, I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired, 'til next week.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).