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ECW: The Next Generation
(May 2007 Archives.)

May 01, 2007
May 08, 2007
May 15, 2007
May 22, 2007
May 29, 2007


Welcome to the fallout from Backlash!  Since a backlash is usually some kind of reaction, I guess you could say this incarnation of ECW is a reaction to the fans but it's so bad we need to go into a fallout shelter to protect ourselves.  This intro may or may not totally suck.
A recap of Backlash with just pictures of the McMahons and Umaga vs. Lashley is shown.  If you missed it, Vince won the ECW title.  Geez, he’s the worst ECW champion since Bobby Lashley!  The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Birmingham, Alabama and isn’t it just too bad Hardcore Holly is on the shelf?  If he was here, he could do his finishing move the Slam. Lashley is out first and his T-shirt says “Lashley Dominate” which is in the same vein as Ron Simmon’s artistically brilliant shirt that says DAMN.  25 bucks well spent indeed.  He says everyone is upset including the ECW fans.  Well I guess if you’re a fan of the newer ECW, you actually like this guy.  I can’t vouch for them, but well he must be popular the way he gets shoved down our throats.  Estrada interrupts rolling out on a wheelchair.  Shouldn’t he come out to Undertaker’s old Limp Bizkit theme?  He says Lashley won’t ruin this night.  He was told by Vince to deliver a message that he will get his title rematch but not tonight.  However he is not allowed to physically provoke Umaga, Shane or Vince McMahon (I guess I just implied Umaga’s last name is McMahon).  Lashley gets in his face and asks him to repeat what he said.  I didn’t realize a side effect of steroids is hearing.  Lashley asks him what his name is and he says “Armando…” and realizes his name was not on the list.  Lashley then rolls the wheelchair into the hollow steps and he goes flying over them.  Later tonight the Originals will confront Mr. Mcmahon.  They plan to ask him what the fuck is up with that stupid bandana?
Elijah Burke is talking to the New Breed saying CM Punk turned his back on them so tonight they should follow his lead.  Speaking of Punk, he comes down to the ring.  The New Breed then comes out and Burke is on the microphone saying Punk used them for his own personal goals.  He is going to face Kevin Thorn.
CM Punk vs. Kevin Thorn w/ Ariel (Straight Edge vs. Pointy Edge)
Thorn dominates in the corner with a series of punches.  He then puts on an Orton Lock.  Punk breaks out and goes for a cross body but gets caught and dropped on his back.  Thorn then goes to the second rope but jumps right onto Punk’s feet.  Punk then gets up and hits the Nyquil and gets the pin.
Winner: CM Punk
A clip airs of each of the Originals saying Vince ruined the legacy of ECW by winning the title.  Where have you guys been?  He ruined it when he decided to bring it back in the first place.  Also Extreme Expose returns tonight.  I didn’t realize it went away.  Oh maybe that’s because I prayed really really really hard that it was gone forever.
After a commercial here is Extreme Expose.  I think they really do belong in ECW, that is if it stood for Extremely Clichéd Women.  They’re dancing to Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” which is probably one of the worst hair band songs ever.  At one point they go outside and spray silly string on each other.  Wait a minute, why am I recapping this?  After it mercifully ends, Thorn asks the New Breed where they were during his match and Burke says they were there and any of them could beat Punk including Ariel.  Thorn gets in Burke’s face and quits the New Breed.
Cor Von and Striker come down the ring for a match with the Majors Brothers.  Lee is not one of them.
Marcus Cor Von and Matt Striker vs. The Majors Brothers (I’d Say Squash But The New Breed Isn’t Having a Good Night)
Striker dominates early then tags in Cor Von.  He takes one of the Majors Brothers outside (they’re twins, I can’t be expected to know the difference) and beats him up before coming back inside and hitting a press slam.  After a rest hold he goes for an attack in the corner but misses.  Both men tag out and the umm, other Majors Brother goes crazy and hits a flapjack.  He then gets doubleteamed but gets a sunset flip on Striker but Cor Von holds him up before the other Majors Brother (confused yet?) pulls him out.  The Majors Brother in the ring hits a cross body from the second rope and gets the pin for the upset.
Winners: The Majors Brothers
After the match, Burke gives Striker a major tongue lashing and not in the good way (though with some of Striker’s attire, he might like it).  Burke is ashamed and embarrassed that he let the New Breed down.  I was hoping he’d get kicked out here just so he’d end up crawling back to the school he used to teach at begging for his old job back.  A clip is shown from Raw last night when Umaga beat Rob Van Dam and next the Originals confront Mr. McMahon.
We are back and we get commercial # 6,087,341 for “The Condemned”.  Incidentally, it made less money than that number I just made up.  It opened in 9th place at the box office with $3,807,595.  Yeah looks like a BLOCKBUSTER to me, as in you can rent it on DVD next week.
Vince comes out looking a little like Teddy Long and says “Excuse me while I whip this out!” and shows off the ECW belt (Cleavon Little just rolled over in his grave).  He wants to see if the Originals have the gumption to come out (a word that no doubt means that life is like a box of chocolates).  Just as he thinks they won’t show, the generic ECW music hits and the Originals come down to the ring.  RVD says to Vince that he killed ECW, hey at least he’s being straight with him.  He then asks Sabu but he says nothing.  Then he talks to Sandman and he holds up three fingers and says if Vince is so smart he should read between the lines.  Oh so funny if you’re five!  He then talks to Dreamer and he says Vince didn’t create the return of ECW, the fans demanded it.  Vince says talk is cheap and he wants to know which of them has the guts to take him on.  RVD raises his arms and Dreamer does a hilarious impression of Vince’s walk.  He goes over to Sabu and mutters he’s not sure about the suicidal crap, doesn’t compete with drunkards (or potheads apparently), and tells Dreamer to dream on.  He says whoever really wants to compete with him will find out tonight in a Four Way Dance.  The winner will face him next week.  This is also an Extreme Rules match.  He then says to bring out all the crap and the tech crew brings out literally everything in the back.  Lots of tables, a construction barrier, a cement mixer???
Rob Van Dam vs. Sandman vs. Sabu vs. Tommy Dreamer (What?  A Real ECW Match?  And This Is For A Shot At The ECW Title Next Week In A Four Way Dance)
There’s a bit of hesitation before the competitors really get into this.  Eventually RVD and Sabu end up on the outside and Dreamer hits a clothesline from the second rope.  RVD then hits Dreamer with a chair.  Sabu and RVD then hit Dreamer with a tandem leg drop and Rolling Thunder.  Dreamer grabs a trash can and hits Sandman with a trash can and then knocks him over the top rope.  RVD then stands on the apron but Sabu sets up a chair and hits RVD with a tornado DDT over the top rope.  Sandman then hits a bulldog on Dreamer into the trash can.  Back up Dreamer hits Sandman on the top rope with the can and he lands on his cash and prizes.  Dreamer then dropkicks a chair into Sandman’s face.  Sabu uses the opportunity to hit an Arabian Facebuster. RVD then picks up Sabu to do a tandem move but lifts into a suplex instead.  He also skateboards the chair into Sabu in the corner.  Sandman then gets the Singapore cane and cracks Dreamer’s skull with it.  Sabu gets up and hits the triple jump moonsault.  He gets a table from the outside and sets up Sandman on it and goes to the top but Dreamer catches him and hits a suplex on top of Sandman going through the table.  Van Dam hits the Five Star and gets the pin.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
RVD gets in Vince’s face as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment:  Definitely the main event.  Possibly the best match in the history of this show.
Not So Extreme Moment: Big shock but I’m giving it to Extreme Expose.
Gotta say this may have been the best episode ever of this show.  Going with what’s preceded it there isn’t much to work with but hey I’ll take it.
Now go read the other brilliantly funny writers at the Fan.  Come on, what else are you going to do?  Stick your fingers up your ass and call it macaroni?  Now hit my music!


It’s 10pm, do you know what time it is?  I guess if you’re not in the Eastern time zone you’re a little confused right now.  Well after last week’s surprisingly good episode of ECW let’s see if we can make it two in a row.  Odds are not good but we shall see.
Earlier today Bobby Lashley showed up and comes up to Estrada with four police officers.  If Lashley enters the arena tonight or touches Estrada, he will go to jail.  Wish I could have that happen to me at a job.  Get to go home and still get paid?  Sign me up!  He turns Estrada’s wheelchair around and rolls him down the road and he falls out.  He then surrenders himself to the police.  Incarceration is fun!  The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Pittsburgh, PA which has an entire field of ketchup!  From what I hear they play football there.  Tonight RVD faces Vince and Shane McMahon as well as Umaga in a 3 on 1 handicapped match.  CM Punk’s music hits and while he enters, they announce Punk will face Elijah Burke at Judgement Day.  Marcus Cor Von will be his opponent tonight.
Marcus Cor Von vs. CM Punk (Hi I Was Once Popular In Another Organization Match)
As this match started, there is breaking news that Edge is the new World Heavyweight Champion?  Isn’t it nice how they completely divert the attention away this crappy show so everyone scrambles to their computer and logs on to WWE.com?  OK well they just spoiled this week’s Smackdown.  In the midst of all this there is a match here.  Cor Von has been pretty much dominating from the outset.  He puts Punk in a bear hug and then hits a belly to belly suplex and gets a two count.  Punk gets tossed to the outside but when he gets back on the apron he snaps Cor Von’s head on the ropes.  He then hits a springboard clothesline and gets a two count.  Punk then tries for a tornado DDT but gets thrown over the top.  While Cor Von distracted the ref, Burke kicks Punk in the gut.  Back inside, Cor Von hits the Generic Football Block OF DEATH and gets the pin.
Winner: Marcus Cor Von
We go to footage of last night when Edge wants a shot at the Money in the Bank and his win.  So without reading any spoilers, it sounds like he cashed in on Smackdown this week.  You know, that’s actually a pretty good twist to cover for Taker and Kennedy’s injuries.
After a commercial, we get the required behind the scenes footage of “The Condemned”.  In its second week, it finished in 12TH PLACE!!!  There are movies that have been out over a month longer that made more money last weekend.  How sad is that?
Speaking of beer drinking wrestlers here comes the Sandman and he’ll be facing PA’s own Snitsky.  Where’s the hometown pop?
Sandman vs. Snitsky (Wonder If Snitsky Considered a Singapore Cane For Birth Control?)
Snitsky hits a clothesline and the Hanger Banger and this one is over.
Winner: Snitsky
Vince, Shane and Umaga are watching from backstage and you have to wonder how well Umaga follows in the conversation.  They’re basically gonna crush RVD or something generic that they would say followed by Umaga speaking in his native language of Gibberish.
Commercial Comment: Whose idea was it to not only put Kevin Costner in a movie with Dane Cook, but for it to be a thriller?
And now it’s Extreme Expose and this week they’re all wearing Steelers jerseys and are dancing to Britney Spears’ “Toxic”.  Wow, this shit writes itself.
We now see the highlights from Backlash of Vince winning the ECW title.  You know, basically they can show it all now because it’s too late to order the replay on PPV.  Does anyone really order a PPV replay considering it costs the same?  If you do, please tell me why.  We then go to Raw last night where Vince photoshops himself onto Lashley’s body on WWE Magazine.  It was so good I was convinced Sean did it.  He then accepts Lashley’s challenge for a rematch at Judgement Day.
Burke is talking to Striker backstage and takes credit for Cor Von’s victory.  He tells him to come to ringside to see how it’s done.  I’d just ask Burke for some wardrobe advice.  Last thing a teacher needs is his kids thinking he’s a fruit.
Elijah Burke vs. Brian Major (The Thing About Twin Tag Teams Is It's Double the Suck)
Finally an explanation that the 4-UP on Burke’s taped hand.  It means “four knuckles upside your head”.  OK so it has nothing to do with Nintendo as I originally thought.  Burke pretty much dominates, though Brian does get an opportunity to go for a springboard cross body but misses.  Burke hits the Elijah Experience and gets the pin.
Winner: Elijah Burke
After a commercial, Thorn and Ariel are backstage and he wants to know his future.  He realizes he wasn’t meant to be in the New Breed and needs some fresh blood.  Here comes the money who introduces Umaga then asks the crowd to rise for Vince.  You know with that ridiculous bandana, he’d fit in real good as the white guy acting black in Cryme Tyme.  Rob Van Dam’s music hits (there was a commercial in there but you don’t need to know that) and we are ready for our main event.
ECW Champion Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and Umaga vs. Rob Van Dam (Gee You Think This Will Be A Carbon Copy of the Backlash Match?)
After some back and forth offense between Shane and RVD, RVD gets a monkey flip in the corner and then a spinning heel kick.  Van Dam dropkicks Umaga and goes after Vince but Shane hits a baseball slide to break it up.  RVD fights back and goes for Rolling Thunder but Umaga pulls down the ropes and then throws him into the hollow steps.  Back inside, Umaga tags in.  He hits a headbutt and then a leg drop.  Vince then tags in and goes for the pin but only gets one and tags out to Shane, then to Umaga again.  RVD tries to fight back but Umaga hits a Drop (Samoan Drop if someone else had done it).  Vince tries tagging again and pinning but no luck and tags Umaga again.  Umaga goes for the Ass Crash but RVD has the presence of mind to get a drop toe hold.  Shane interferes but gets thrown over the top.  Umaga goes for the Samoan Spike but RVD breaks it and knocks Umaga off his feet.  He goes for the Five Star but Shane hits him so he lands on his cash and prizes.  He then tags in and hits a superplex.  Umaga tags in and hits a splash from the top rope and the Samoan Spike.  Vince tags in and gets the pin although in a funny little screwup, the ref counted two and then said RVD’s shoulder was up.  Vince pinned again and got the three count.
Winners: Vince and Shane McMahon and Umaga
The other Originals hit the ring as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment:  Geez man, after last week’s really good episode we’re back to the same crap as usual.  Really the only good thing that happened was the breaking news from another show.  That’s weak.
Not So Extreme Moment: Many choices but going with the cliche “Vince proving a point to boost his own ego” main event match.
Read the Fan and be the man if you can though if you are not and you have a twat then you should be blowing me unless you’re a fan of Jeff Hardy.  Now hit my music!


Tonight is what seems to be the bi-weekly hard sell for the upcoming pay per view and now with every pay per view covering all three brands we’ll get even MORE predictable matches!
A recap of last night on Raw where Lashley finally got physically provoked and was able to beat up on Shane and Umaga and Vince fooling him when the limo drove away by hitting him with the ECW title.  Then “via satellite (from backstage)” Vince says the reason he wears that lameass bandana is because of Lashley.  The former champ (who hopefully remains that way) also faces the New Breed tonight.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from right near my old stomping grounds of Baltimore, Maryland.  I’m not sure what that expression means really, I’ve stomped on a lot of grounds.  Rob Van Dam enters and I notice they were too lazy to set up the ECW entrance ramp or the fact the First Mariner Arena (where I’ve seen some live events) is one of the worst venues ever.  Seriously, I won tickets to Raw once and the seats were at an angle where we couldn’t see the Titan Tron and usually you can see the same stuff on the scoreboard or somewhere else in the arena.  Not here, it’s so friggin old  This happened to be the episode from a few years ago where HBK challenged Triple H right before his awesome comeback match at Summerslam right after revealing Trips was the one who attacked him in the parking lot which of course included SHOWING THE FOOTAGE SO I COULDN'T SEE IT!  While I blabbered here, we had a commercial a mere five minutes into the show before anything happened.  That’s two weeks in a row they gave a good reason not to watch right off the bat.  Snitsky comes out and we are ready for our first match.
Rob Van Dam vs. Snitsky (It’s Not My Fault If This Match Sucks)
Snitsky shows off his power early as he dominates Van Dam.  He hits a suplex and I am noticing RVD keeps trying to throw a punch here and a kick there but Snitsky is no selling it all.  RVD finally gets some retaliation when Snitsky misses a move in the corner and Rob hits a kick to the face then a kick from the second rope.  He continues to use his feet to take it to Snitsky but then misses a kick from the top rope.  He then comes back and tries but misses Rolling Thunder.  Snitsky goes for the Hanger Banger but misses and gets caught on the ropes.  RVD knocks him to the floor but when he goes to the outside, he gets clobbered by a clothesline.  Snitsky grabs a chair and KO’s Van Dam with it to get DQed.
Winner by DQ: Rob Van Dam 
After a commercial, CM Punk comes out with his ribs taped up.  Apparently the Generic Football Block of DEATH took its toll on his insides.  Right, and Mr. Kennedy committed career suicide by putting his MITB on the line and losing it even though everyone knows he was legit injured.  He’ll be facing the guy who amazingly still has a job, Stevie Richards.
CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards (Sounds Like the Start of a New Right to Censor Here with the Straight Edge Lifestyle)
Stevie has the advantage early on including paying close attention to Punk’s midsection.  Richards misses a move in the corner and gets caught.  Punk does the Pepsi One to his back and then hits a neckbreaker.  In the other corner, he hits the Pepsi One again to his front side.  Richards counters the bulldog and dropkicks Punk to the corner.  He goes for a tornado DDT but showboats a bit (“Old man riverrrrrr…”) and Punk counters to a fireman’s carry and hits the Nyquil to get the pin.
Winner: CM Punk
There is a commercial between this and our next match which is the “New Breed-free” Kevin Thorn facing Nunzio.
Nunzio vs. Kevin Thorn w/Ariel (Blood Sausage Calzone Match)
Thorn attacks quickly with a series of kicks in the corner but Nunzio tries to come back with a jawbreaker.  He tries a leg scissors but Thorn drops him on his back.  He then picks him up and does a sort of fall away slam on his face.  Nunzio manages to come back when Thorn misses a kick in the corner and hits a dropkick from the second rope.  It’s all for naught though as Thorn takes over again as he hits the Dark Kiss and gets the pin.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
Now for the little crap on “The Condemned” which apparently is tearing up theatres (if that means theatre owners are crying because it bombed so badly).  Seriously though, hey Vince (and I know you’re reading, it says right on the front of this site you love it) don’t fucking lie to us when there is documented proof.  The movie got reduced to 508 theatres, dropped to 22nd place and made barely over $300,000 last weekend.  Don't use Spiderman as an excuse, it opened behind other movies too.  Admit it bombed and wait for DVD when you might actually turn a profit.
They did Extreme Expose but seriously do you care?  I do.  I care that my time is wasted on it every week.
They show the recap of Raw AGAIN with what happened to Lashley in case you missed it 45 minutes ago or last night, or however many times it was recapped last night on Raw or on WWE.com or on Smackdown this Friday or at Judgement Day on Sunday.  Quick interview with Lashley which was pretty lame but the crowd gave him the “What?” treatment.
The New Breed is out at ringside and Bobby Lashley then makes his entrance.  If anyone out there goes to a live event, let me know if anyone actually cheers for this guy.
Bobby Lashley vs. Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von and Matt Striker (Shouldn’t Handicapped Matches Feature Handicapped People?)
Lashley has control over Burke and hits a stalling suplex (quit stalling, show is boring enough already).  Cor Von tags in and doesn’t make any progress in beating up on Lashley.  Striker does a blind tag and gets slammed immediately which pisses off Burke.  Striker ends up getting thrown to the outside and after Lashley knocks Burke off the apron, Cor Von hits the Generic Football Block of DEATH which knocks Lashley over the top rope.  Burke tags in and tries for a pin but only gets two.  Cor Von tags in and slams Lashley and puts on an Orton Lock then hits a back suplex.  Burke tags in and has control until he ends up on the wrong end of a belly to belly suplex.  Striker ends up tagging in and getting decimated culminating in a spear and the pin.
Winner and still lacking in charisma: Bobby Lashley
Extreme Moment: The Punk-Richards match was decent.  I’m glad they keep Stevie around because even though he almost always jobs, he still puts on good matches.
Not So Extreme Moment:  How many times do I have to say this?  THERE ARE NO DISQUALIFICATIONS IN ECW!!!
So next time you’re feeling down, take some time to read the other huh-lay-ree-us stuff here at the Fan.  And hey, feel free to drop me a line with any comments you may have or look me up on Myspace.  I have a huge ego (among other huge things) and need the validation to keep it as inflated as it is.  Now hit my music!


Well here we are with the fallout from Judgment Day.  With all these fallouts they do now between the three shows after the dozens of pay per views, you’d think there’s a nuclear war breaking out.  I love the smell of napalm in the morning, smells way better than I do before a shower.
I’d also like to wish Sabu a big goodbye who apparently was wished the best of luck in his future endeavors.  Honestly, it’s about time.  He’s been phoning it in so much; they almost considered repackaging him with the name Motorola.  Not to mention he’s pretty much gone from suicidal, genocidal, and homicidal to scratching, spraining, and showing up late without funny looking pants.  Soon enough, Sean’s gonna have to create a new photoshop for this page, who’s gonna be left?  Stevie Richards?
The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Des Moines, Iowa and apparently we are already only two weeks away from One Night Stand which is kind of a joke now that it has been acknowledged all three brands will participate.  Then again, ECW alone is pretty much a joke too.  Call it what you want, third time is not a one night stand anymore, that’s more like you see someone at a bar you’ve been with before and you’re both desperate to get laid so you go through with it again.  Snitsky comes out first and for those of you who just read this column and don’t actually watch (and really I don’t blame you) he has the nastiest looking teeth I’ve ever seen.  His teeth are so yellow, I can’t believe it’s not butter!  His opponent one of the few ECW Originals who still has an ounce of his integrity left, Tommy Dreamer.
Snitsky vs. Tommy Dreamer (ECW Original vs. WWE Original Pro Choice)
Right away, Snitsky throws Dreamer over the top rope and he lands right on his left shoulder.  Back inside, Dreamer’s shoulder goes right into the post.  After a front face lock, Snitsky goes for a leg drop but misses.  Dreamer hits a few punches and kicks, then hits a DDT but only gets a two count.  Dreamer goes to the second rope but ends up getting nailed with a clothesline followed by a Hanger Banger for the victory.
Winner: Snitsky
Snitsky grabs a chair while Dreamer is in the corner.  Behind his back, RVD runs in and goes to the top and hits a Van Daminator.  Incidentally, Tazz looks like he borrowed a shirt from Matt Striker.
Highlights from Judgement Day are shown including Lashley winning the handicapped match but not the title because he didn’t beat Vince.  Next we have Timbaland’s new video with Divas.  Basically it’s modeled after Sin City except they include all the crappy Divas (none of the good ones are in it).
Kevin Thorn is out next (traveling alone) and he is facing some jobber.
Kevin Thorn vs. Wyatt Lara (Blood Bank Job Match)
Facebuster right away by Thorn, a series of kicks, then hits Original Sin to get the easy win.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
There was a segment with Burke, Cor Von, and Striker but it was fairly cliché.
Matt Striker vs. Brett Major w/ Brian Major (Redemption in a State That Doesn’t Give You 5 Cents Match)
Striker hits a couple of suplexes and then tries a back body drop but Major turns it into a sunset flip for two.  Striker then hits a big clothesline.  He goes for another suplex but Major counters to a small package for two.  He misses a dropkick and Striker hits the Golden Rule and gets the pin.
Winner: Matt Striker
Some highlights are shown from Raw last night where Lashley has a gauntlet match against Chris Masters, then Viscera (who he slammed), then Umaga for the umpteenth time.  After the beatdown from Umaga, Shane tries to capitalize but Lashley fights back and earns a title shot at One Night Stand.  Yeah that’ll up the buyrates.  RVD’s music hits followed by CM Punk, then the New Breed and we are ready for our main event.
Rob Van Dam and CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke and Marcus Cor Von (Why Does the Black Team Gotta Be the Bad Guys?)
Cor Von has control early on using his strength.  Burke tags in and tries to keep it but Van Dam gets the tag and Punk hits Burke with a clothesline from the top.  After a commercial, Cor Von has RVD in a single leg Boston Crab (seems kind of half assed to me).  Burke then tags in and puts Rob in another submission hold with his legs.  Cor Von tags back and keeps the focus on Van Dam’s knees.  Burke tags in but Rob is able to break free and tag in Punk who promptly hits the Pepsi One and a bulldog.  RVD then goes for a dive over the top but misses.  Punk sets up for the Nyquil but Cor Von hits a shoulder block in his gut.  He then hits the Generic Football Block of Death but gets disqualified for not being the legal man.  Huh?
Winners: Rob Van Dam and CM Punk
Cor Von hits the GFBD (I’m a firm believer in acronyms) on RVD.  The New Breed celebrate as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment:  I was bored the whole time, much like what is in my brain right now there was nothing.
Not So Extreme Moment:  Not only is having a DQ in ECW always stupid, but I don’t remember ever seeing a DQ for not being the legal man in a tag match.
OK I’m outta here.  We’ll see if I make it back next week or if the show gets cancelled.  One of those will happen eventually.  Now hit my music!

Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

Welcome to Part 2 of the Week of Gersh!  In case you missed it, I covered one of the worst Raws in recent memory (and considering how often I watch it nowadays, that’s especially bad) and now I’m back in my usual slot.  I’d much rather be in the usual slot of between your mom’s legs but that’ll have to wait until this hour of debauchery is complete.  Actually that or ECW could go with that meaning but I digress.
The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from I guess Canada but they didn’t bother to say where.  Canada has apparently fallen into ordinary status along with countries like India and Japan.  Randy Orton is out first.  He realizes he’s not making friends by what he’s done to HBK and RVD (apparently he only beats up on guys who go by their initials).  Some footage of last night’s Raw is shown with dramatic special effects (Van Dam’s drool looks mad trippy yo!).  He says RVD suffered a concussion but still challenged Orton to a Stretcher Match.  The loser goes on a stretcher right to TNA.  Tommy Dreamer interrupts and says he’s not going to let Orton gloat about what he’s done.  He’s not welcome in ECW but he is welcome to a match with Dreamer tonight.  Orton accepts and says tonight he will kill the legend of ECW.  Woah Randy, Vince beat you to that months ago!  Later tonight CM Punk faces Elijah Burke in a No DQ match.
After a commercial, CM Punk makes his entrance for our next match followed by Elijah Burke.  After two years of remembering ECW’s greatness at One Night Stand, this year we get a 6 man Tables Match and Lashley vs. Vince.  Woo hoo.
CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke (No Disqualification Meaning Someone Will Interfere Match)
Both men trade off hammer locks then Punk throws Burke to the ropes and hits a vicious flying kick.  He then hits a high cross body from the second rope and when he gets back to his feet, Burke gets clotheslined over the top.  Burke grabs a chair but Punk hits a baseball slide into the chair which knocks Burke back down to the floor.  Cut to commercial and when we’re back Burke has control and rams Punk’s body to the corner.  He then puts a reverse bear hug on and I notice a table is in the ring.  Punk falls to his back and rolls Burke into a pin for two but Elijah keeps control.  He sets up the table in the corner but Punk sneaks a roll up and gets two.  Punk then gets an enzuiguri then gets the Pepsi One in the corner.  He goes for a bulldog but Burke counters to a back suplex.  Punk ended up on the apron and snaps Burke’s head on the ropes then jumps to the top rope but slips off (garnering a “you fucked up” chant).  He manages to get up and tries to put Burke away but Cor Von interferes with a chair.  Punk takes it from him and throws it in his face.  After Punk tries to hit the Nyquil, Burke breaks out of it and Cor Von hits the Generic Football Block of DEATH driving Punk through the table.  Burke easily gets the pin.
Winner: Elijah Burke
After a commercial, Vince is backstage asking what kind of name Joey is.  He says it sounds like a 12 year old and Tazz sounds like a medieval gargoyle.  He then introduces Bobby Lashley who is in another part of the backstage area.  Lashley smiles with all the charisma he can give and says he wants his championship back.  Folks, this is painful to watch making it even more painful to recap.  They start arguing and Vince says he’s old enough to be Bobby’s uncle and Lashley comes back with Vince is old enough to be his dad’s uncle.  Wow, this is brilliant comedy.  They must have hired the writers from Full House.  Orton-Dreamer is up later.
After a commercial, I wish I had taken this opportunity to drop a deuce because there is some shit in the ring.  Of course it’s Extreme Expose.  I have a question for all my readers out there.  What’s worse?  This Extreme Expose garbage or when Kelly did this crap by herself and had a storyline?  Kevin Thorn is out next who I learned since last week is now traveling alone because Ariel got released.  I wish she had released her boobs in my face but that’s just me.  Amazingly, Balls Mahoney is still around and he’s his opponent.
Kevin Thorn vs. Balls Mahoney (We Got Another Match After This So Balls Is Gonna Be Castrated Quickly Match)
Thorn decks Balls with a clothesline then rams his shoulder into the post.  He then hits a sit down power bomb then Original Sin and the pin.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
The Major Brothers are backstage and Matt Striker tries to remember which is which.  Matt tries to use an SAT word to describe why RVD shouldn’t show up on Sunday and mentions the draft could split them up.  One of the brothers says they made it to ECW so their dreams have come true (didn’t dream too big did they?).  Matt has a challenge for them next week.  Dreamer-Orton is next as we go to commercial.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Randy Orton (Innovator Of A Giant Imaginary Beach Ball Match)
Orton has early control and continually puts on headlocks.  Eventually Dreamer has Orton trapped in the corner and hits a suplex from the second rope.  Dreamer goes nuts and starts slugging away then hits a bulldog.  He then hits his version of a Lo Down.  He hangs Orton upside down in the corner and Dreamer dropkicks him.  He then hits an inverted DDT and gets a near fall.  He tries for a regular DDT but Orton counters and hits the RKO and gets the pin.
Winner: Randy Orton
Post match Orton hits another RKO to prove his point and stares down Dreamer.  He then kicks him in the head much like he did to HBK and RVD.  Speaking of RVD, he runs down to the ring but with a small blow to RVD’s head he goes down looking more glazed than Krispy Kreme.  Orton just matched Great Khali’s brain chop for weakest looking heavy impact move ever.
Extreme Moment: Punk-Burke match was very entertaining.  These are two of the more enjoyable guys to watch.
Not So Extreme Moment: The Lashley-Vince conversation was horrendously bad and got me even less interested than I already was in their match on Sunday.  Oh and did you know they’ll be ARM WRESTLING on Saturday Night’s Main Event?
Well obviously you should check out my recap of Raw last night but you should also check out the other great stuff here at the Fan.  For a change, we actually have columns that aren’t recaps.  Not that the recaps don’t rule, of course they do.  In fact, praise me dammit!  You know you want to grovel at my feet mercilessly!  Now hit my music!

Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).