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ECW: The Next Generation
(March 2007 Archives.)

March 06, 2007
March 13, 2007
March 20, 2007
March 27, 2007


I’d like to thank everyone who responded to my inquiry about CM Punk’s new finishing move.  Apparently it’s called the “Go 2 Sleep” but if you ask me that should be the name of this show.
I’d also like to mention that reportedly this year’s ECW One Night Stand (which being the third time should be more like ECW Significant Other) is no longer going to be at Hammerstein on the block where I work.  Instead it’s going to be in the true land of extreme Jacksonville, Florida!  Yes down there the people have cases of EXTREME Alzheimer’s, EXTREME hemorrhoids, and umm…EXTREME Alzheimer’s!
We start with highlights (if you can call it that) from the three shows last week with Lashley and McMahon.  Lashley’s matches have as many highlights as his hair does.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Tucson, Arizona.  Vince comes out first and for a change he has a normal looking blue suit on.  He reminds us in case you’ve been living under The Rock that Stone Cold is the special guest ref for the Battle of the Billionaires Who Star On Awful Television Shows.  He says he sent a message last week when he bitch slapped Bobby Lashley and they show it about a dozen times.  He says he could smell the fear though if you ask me it might be that workout shirt he smells before he comes out.  He then says Lashley apologized but he doesn’t accept it and wants it in the ring.  He then calls out the champion who enters the arena with a smile on his face.  Before he speaks, there’s actually a chant for Lashley.  He says he does want to apologize to the fans as well as Vince.  He wants to apologize for boring the crap out of us when he knows he has no charisma.  Actually he apologizes for not beating the hell out of Vince when he got slapped last week.  Ooh I didn’t see that one coming!
We get a video package plugging Ashley’s Playboy issue coming out next week and umm yeah, I’d buy The Marine before I’d buy that.  Balls Mahoney is in the ring for the opening match against Hardcore Holly.
Balls Mahoney vs. Hardcore Holly (Mahoney Holly Like-a My Balls Hardcore)
Holly has control early as he clotheslines a couple times but Balls comes back with some Teabagging and then goes to the top but misses a leg drop.  Holly hits an Alabama Slam and gets the pin.
Winner: Hardcore Holly
Snitsky continues his random acts of rampage by decimating Holly.  OK at least he finally hit someone who deserved it.  Backstage, Rebecca interviews CM Punk and he talks about getting his shot in the Money in the Bank and will face Mr. Kennedy on Smackdown this Friday.  Elijah Burke interrupts and offers to have him join the New Breed.  RVD then comes in and says Burke can’t even spell ECW and he’ll show what it’s all about next.  Apparently they’ll be showing highlights of Raw and Smackdown since well, really is there any difference in their formats?
RVD makes his entrance with Originals in tow followed by Burke and the New Breed and I just discovered something.  Burke is from Jacksonville and that’s where ONS is this year.  Hmmmmmmm….
Rob Van Dam vs. Elijah Burke (Is Your Contract Up Yet Mr. Szatkowski?)
RVD gets a couple of arm drags and a kick to the face.  After Burke tries to come back he gets tossed outside the ring and we go to another commercial.  During the break Ariel distracted RVD from hitting Rolling Thunder and Burke hits a couple of suplexes.  He then hits RVD in the corner with his knees and a big clothesline.  RVD comes back with some clotheslines and a kick to the side of the head.  He then hits a monkey flip and a split legged moonsault and gets a two count.  Tazz indicates not many people kick out of that move which indicates that he hasn’t EVER watched a Van Dam match before.  He goes to the top and hits the Five Star and gets the pin.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
The Originals are in the ring and Dreamer has a microphone.  He challenges the New Breed to a match at Wrestlemania.  Styles and Tazz are so excited to be represented and really what better way to represent a third rate brand than to have a clusterfuck 8 man tag?
After a commercial, they play the Hall of Fame video package for Nick Bockwinkle and then we get Extreme Expose.  You know this would actually be the PERFECT time for Austin to make his appearance since they’ve been pimping it all night.  OK well it ended quickly thankfully.  They replay the Lashley-Vince segment from earlier and we go to ANOTHER commercial.
Mick Foley will be on ECW next week but for now the glass shatters and Stone Cold makes his entrance.  Ahh nothing better than all the young children in the audience witnessing middle fingers and beer drinking don’t you think?  He says he’ll call the match right down the middle.  He goes to the outside and asks a guy in a ref’s outfit in the front row who he thinks will win.  He then goes up to Joe Crede from the White Sox (they’re in spring training in Arizona) and asks what he thinks.  He’s gonna be in my hometown next week for the contract signing.  I’m gonna be honest I wasn’t really paying attention because I played the lottery for 370 million (no I didn’t win) and was following the drawing.  But really this was your same ol’ Stone Cold promo.  And on that note the show is over.
Extreme Moment: Umm wow.  It was crap across the board tonight.  I’m going to follow Cameron’s lead and give it to nothing.
Not So Extreme Moment: Only two matches, one of which was Holly squashing Balls into oblivion (slight Ferris Bueller reference)?  And yet we had time for Vince to bore us and the Extreme Expose.  I blame that for the column seeming shorter this week.
Man I’m frustrated; go read other columns or something.  I’m gonna get that thing from Men In Black so I can forget what I watched.  Now hit my music!


Hey what do you know, it’s Tuesday again!  And you know what that means!  Umm, what does it mean?  I seriously don’t know.  Hump Day Eve?
Edge is macking it up with a couple of women when Orton comes over and calls him a son of a bitch.  That’s not nice to say about Mrs. Copeland!  He’s pissed that he is facing Lashley tonight (don’t worry Randy we are too) and that they’re both in the MITB match at Wrestlemania but Edge reassures him things will be fine.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are live from Trenton, NJ though it could be Memorex.  The New Breed make their entrance and Ariel looks like she’s going to a Green Day concert.  Either that, or she’s getting in touch with her inner Oompa Loompa.  The Originals come out next and we are ready for our opening contest of an Extreme Battle Royale.
ECW New Breed vs. ECW Originals (Extreme Clusterfuck)
The way this works is both sides work as a team but they eliminate via throwing over the top rope.  Everyone starts going at it and Sandman is more like Sadman because he got tossed over quickly.  Man this is gonna suck to recap.  You know I never understood the point of slowly trying to throw someone over because it never works.  It has to be done with impact.  RVD and Sabu team up to eliminate Cor Von.  Thorn catches Sabu on a jump from the top and gets pushed out.  Burke throws RVD over but he lands on the apron and gets back in the ring.  RVD goes to the top rope but Striker makes him fall on his cash and prizes and nearly tosses him out.  RVD comes back and hits a power bomb.  Thorn telegraphs a back body drop (people still use that old invention?) and RVD kicks him in the head.  Thorn then comes back and goes for a crucifix power bomb but RVD counters and nearly throws him out.  He then goes for a kick and a clothesline but still can’t eliminate him so he goes for a flying body press off the ropes and both guys get eliminated.  Dreamer suddenly goes crazy and manages to eliminate Striker with a back body drop in the corner.  Burke then hits him in the back with a high knee and goes for a dropkick but Dreamer does not hit the floor.  After he gets back inside, Burke tries for a kick which Dreamer catches and he throws him over.
Winners: ECW Originals
The Originals celebrate when Mick Foley’s music hits and we go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: “Painkiller Jane” is so badass they use a cover of a Genesis song to advertise.
Foley says he is of course here to get a cheap pop and plug his book.  He says to Tommy people feel he sold out last year when he turned on him and offers him a copy of his book.  He says he did it for the legacy of ECW.  Mick also says he’ll be in the crowd at Wrestlemania and will be leading the chant for ECW.  In Borat fashion, that was NOT extreme.  Snitsky is up next.  Get your hangers ready!
After a commercial, I wish we were still watching commercials because it’s time for Extreme Expose.  Just as I was about to type it I wash hoping Snitsky would interrupt it and he did.  He has new music but IT’S NOT HIS FAULT!
Snitsky vs. The Unemployment Line (In Other Words, a Pair of Jobbers)
This one basically ended as quickly as it started.  One guy get tossed from the ring and the other gets a big boot and he gets a pin.
Winner: Snitsky
CM Punk is backstage and Burke comes over wondering about his decision about joining the New Breed.  He said he is still thinking about it.  Burke says his chances at Wrestlemania will improve with the New Breed in his corner.  He then offers Punk a New Breed T-shirt which looks like it cost about 25 cents to make but no doubt costs about 25 bucks at WWE Shlockzone.
Commercial Comment: I didn’t realize “Are We There Yet?” hadn’t told their whole story in the first movie and needed a sequel to continue the legacy of Ice Cube being a wussy family man.
A recap of the Battle of the Bullshit from last night with Trump pushing Vince over a table plays.  I’d have marked out if he put him through the table instead.  Bobby Lashley and his hard hitting music and soft spoken pyro come to the ring followed by Orton.  Before the match starts, Edge comes out to ringside as well.
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Randy Orton (Since Lashley Is Being Pushed to Become a Legend, This Could Be Appropriate)
Orton takes the early advantage but as Lashley comes back Randy sneaks outside the ring and we go to commercial.  When we come back Orton has a Boston Crab on the champ.  They sure do go a long way on these commercial breaks.  Styles keeps mentioning that Orton did not volunteer for this match and it doesn’t make me enjoy it any more.  Orton manages to maintain control even though Lashley tries to come back.  He hits that move where he gets a front face lock and drops them on his back.  How about we call that the Duffel Dump?  Orton goes for the RKO but Lashley blocks it.  Edge grabs the belt and tries to interfere but the ref catches him and banishes him from ringside.  Ugh we go to another commercial.  Lashley is on the outside when we come back and Orton repeatedly kicks Bobby’s head into the hollow steps.  He then hits a suplex on the floor.  Back in the ring Orton continues to punish and locks in another Boston Crab.  Tazz is so courteous to mention that “if you just tuned in, Orton’s been working the back”.  If you just tuned in, why the hell did you bother?  Orton continues to deliver right hands when a boring chant starts in the crowd (this is definitely live then).  I have to agree, this is a really dull match.  Orton goes for Lashley in the corner but misses and his shoulder hits the post.  Lashley hits a couple of shoulder blocks in the corner then puts Orton in a torture rack dropping to his knees.  Lashley then hits a powerslam which apparently is now called the Dominator?  Umm, it’s not the same move dumbasses.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Vince’s music hits and he looks pissed as would I had one of my products been that awful.  He stares down with Lashley as we thankfully go off the air early (especially after Raw overran last night).
Extreme Moment: Snitsky picked the perfect moment to interrupt.  Yeah that’s the best I can come up with.  I’d say the Originals winning the Battle Royale was good but it was a sloppy match and I expect them to lose at Wrestlemania.
Not So Extreme Moment: Main event sucked, it took up half the show and was as boring as watching flies fuck.
Two weeks until Wrestlemania 23: All Grown Up.  I wish Vince would grow up and put something that someone over the age of 14 can enjoy.  Now hit my music!


Welcome back to another “better never than on time” edition of Vince McMahon’s answer to “what do you get when you mix a formerly good product with clueless ideas of supply and demand”.  Right at the outset here I’m going to confess my technical snafu.  I had an important commitment Tuesday night and much like the Undertaker (and WWE creative’s booking) I like to go old school and still use a VCR.  Unfortunately said VCR did not move an hour forward with the rest of my high class technology when we did Daylight Savings and only got the last five minutes of the show.  Now I could be a jackass and just recap that, but you the TWF reader no doubt want to know everything that happened, or at least want every asinine detail made fun of.  Somehow I will manage to find a way to do this recap (without plagiarizing or making stuff up).  So here goes…
We open with a video package of Lashley finally being the first to break the Masterlock, if you don’t count that guy in Iraq or his little sister.  Hey did you know Chris Masters actually has a fan site (link to http://www.chris-masters.net).  I don’t know what’s more incredible, that or that the fucking Miz has a fan site (link to http://www.m-mizanin.org).  What’s with the .org there?  Is the Miz a non-profit organization?  I digress.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Cleveland, also commonly referred to as the Mistake by the Lake.  Tonight Masters will challenge Lashley to an actual match thereby adding to the jobs many superstars have faced at the hands of the soft spoken one.  You know maybe that’s why he gets his push, because he doesn’t talk much and doesn’t argue with anyone backstage.  Imagine if that happened with someone saddled with a horrible gimmick?  Meanwhile, Masters is probably about to get released or sent to OVW since they pretty much killed off the only thing he had going for him.  These things just aren’t THAT predictable are they?  Anyway, Masters does a quickie promo much like when I need a pick me up at work and do a quickie jerk in the bathroom.  Didn’t work out so well the time I forgot to wipe off the seat.  Let’s get to our first match.
Rob Van Dam & Sabu vs. Marcus Cor Von & Kevin Thorn w/Melina (Or Maybe Ariel, Who Knows As This Is What the Results Page Told Me, Continuity Don’t Mattuh ™ James Walker)
The goal here is to do every conceivable combination of the New Breed vs the Originals and when they run out, they’ll start over again or else release the Originals and bring in more scrubs (it’s an EXTREME WORM!!!).  Pretty standard back and forth match with Van Dam getting in a lot of his traditional “educated feet” offense.  I’d like to see what his feet do at graduation; does he wear socks with a tassel?  Sabu also does his usual extreme phoning it in (Can you triple jump moonsault me now? Good!).  RVD takes Thorn to the floor with a hurrican-rana.  In the distraction, Cor Von hits the Generic Football Block (OF DEATH) and gets the pin.
Winners: Marcus Cor Von and Kevin Thorn
A package for Snitsky!  It’s the Girl Scout Cookies he ordered!  OK actually just a short video where they show the clips that sum up his ECW appearances.  It would have been longer but they ran out of footage.
Snitsky vs. Mike Fuller(?) (Isn’t It Great How Jobbers Get to Wrestle But Guys Like Justin Credible Get Released?)
Much like last week, Snitsky hits the big boot to the face rather quickly and gets the pin.  That move needs a name.  How about the Hanger Banger?
Winner: Snitsky
And our next Hall of Fame inductee is…..The Sheik!  Apparently B. Brian Blair and Michael Richards will be inducting him.  Oh wait, wrong Sheik.
After the lofty Sci Fi Channel’s bills are paid (hey they got to pay for all those classic horror films about giant insects) we have our next match.
CM Punk vs. Hardcore Holly (Will He Job to Bob?  If So I Will Sob a Gob)
Early on in this one, Elijah Burke came down to ringside.  Apparently he has replaced Kelly Squared as his love interest or maybe he’s recruiting for the New Breed, I’m not sure.  At one point, Punk gets distracted and pays the price by taking a beatdown in the corner.  Holly puts on an Orton Lock and the crowd cheers Punk into coming back.  He is able to break the hold but Holly ended the momentum with an elbow to the face.  Punk eventually comes back and hits a high knee in the corner (Cameron randomly called that move the Pepsi One so I’m using it).  As he tries to follow up, Holly manages to get an Alabama Slam attempt but Punk prevents it though Holly maintains control with a boot to the cash and prizes.  Holly goes for a superplex but Punk pushes Holly down and hits a leg drop from the top rope.  Burke then distracts the ref so Thorn can interfere and take out Holly.  At this point, Punk hits the Go 2 Sleep which also thanks to Cameron I am renaming the Nyquil.  Why?  Because it’s the night time, sniffling, coughing, aching, stuffy head to the knee so you can win the match medicine.  Supposedly Holly had a fever before the match and this cleared it up.
Winner: CM Punk
After a commercial, Punk tells Burke he doesn’t need help.  Burke said the New Breed watches out for each other and that he should still think about it.  Kind of hard to do that when Maria is your girlfriend but whatever.
Next is the Extreme Expose.  Maybe instead of trying to sound classy with that word they should use the other meaning.  Like the fact they extremely expose how untalented these three are.
Tommy Dreamer w/Sandman vs. Elijah Burke w/Matt Striker (Innovator of Filler Match)
Burke attacks quickly and dominates the early part of the match but Dreamer manages to come back hitting a fallaway slam and a dropkick to the face.  He then goes for the DDT but Burke holds the ropes.  Burke then hits the Elijah Express and gets the pin.
Winner: Elijah Burke
After a commercial (and here’s where I can turn on my tape finally), Bobby Lashley comes down to ringside and I love the “original” signs in the crowd.  “Lashley Will Destroy Umaga in 12 Days” and I kid you not, “Bobby Broke the Masterlock”.  I think a little higher up you’d see signs that said “Stone Cold Is the Special Guest Ref” and “The Loser Gets Their Head Shaved” and even higher you’d see one that said “I’m Only Here Because My Kids Like John Cena”.  Of course now his kids hate him since Cena is on Raw.
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Chris Masters (Attention Span Challenge)
Right away there’s a boring chant in the crowd.  Lashley tries to change their minds by attacking Masters quickly with some hard rights and a back body drop followed by a clothesline over the top rope.  Lashley goes after Masters but walks into a rake of the eyes.  I really don’t know what gardening has to do with being blinded but whatever.  Back inside Masters hits a suplex and then indicates for the Masterlock (apparently learning nothing last night).  Lashley slips out of the attempt and hits a half nelson slam followed by a powerslam and suplex.  He then picks up Masters and well if they’re gonna call the running powerslam the Dominator, I’m gonna use my name for it the Whiplashley.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Extreme Moment: The Punk-Holly match if for no other reason I was finally able to use my Nyquil joke.
Not So Extreme Moment: We get it, Snitsky is a monster.  Can he wrestle someone legit?
Go ahead and check out all the hilarity such as Sean’s take on the Sour 25, recaps from Cameron, Bullfrog, and Anvil, and even a pair of guest columns.  See, you too can be a writer here!  As long as you don’t mind working for peanuts, and I don’t even get those since I’m allergic.  Now hit my music!

So, I bet you're all disappointed to see me here. And even if you aren't you WILL be. I mean, I'm not qualified for this at all! And to top it all off, I just sat through the most awful episode of Stargate I have ever seen in my fucking life. I have Rachael sitting here with me who unfortunately has no idea what the hell she is in for. Lets see if we can put her in a straight jacket before the end of the night.

ECW 03.27.07

Restart with a recap of Bobby Lashley jobbing out to Vince McMahon last night before we find out an eight man MITB tag match is scheduled for tonight. Rachael has to be caught up on the Hair vs. Hair situation to which she replies with a "Wha....?"

Rob Van Dam vs. Elijah Burke and racial inequality!

Elijah Burke starts us off for the night with RVD. Burke is deemed kind of hot by Rachael which I'm sure you all cared. They seem pretty even until RVD goes for a head scissor on the ground. Burke counters a bridge by Van Dam into a slam. Burke rubs his leg on RVD's back which does SO MUCH damage. Ole Blackie keeps the pressure on in the corner then hits a spinout elbow drop for two. Elijah runs into a reverse elbow and runs around like he was just shot in the face, but recovers until Rob rolls over him out of a whip into a superkick. Van Dam hits rolling thunder and racks Elijah on the top rope before nailing him with a flying kick. Elijah shows off his ass by being tangles before Van Dam suicide dives as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Zombies bite.

My fucking computer broke so I didn't have a chance to recap much of what happened, suffice to say when we came back, Van Dam was in a chin lock (take a shot) but he retaliated and came back with a rolling thunder that backfired when Elijah had up his knees. Burke hits vertical suplex and a slingshot elbow in the corner before applying a headlock. Burke nails a boot to the face on Van Dam, but jumps off the top into a huge kick to kill both guys dead. Van Dam hits a step over enziguiri for two. Burke railroad spikes (because black people know a lot about building railroads) before missing the flying knee (Elijah Express? Is that a coffee) to the corner. Van Dam scores Five Stars right after for the win.

Winner: RVD

After the match, the New Breed or whatever the hell they're called attack RVD, so his posse backs his ass up with some support before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Spongebob fever should be qualified as an official disease.

So we come back to the Extreme Expose and I think Rachael threw up somewhere along the line, Apparently they are gonna beat that pussy up. We see Edge in the back trying to make amends with his face partners for last week. Balls is in the ring....also Mahoney is there. Gene Snitsky is here to fight him and Rachael says he looks like a Piranha.

Gene Snitsky vs. Balls Mahoney

Snitsky attacks and sends Balls to the floor early on. Balls tries to go for the Teabagging, but Snitsky slams him into the ring post. That effectively shuts him down. Back in the ring, Snitsky squashes Balls (OUCH) and pins him for the three.

Winner: Snitsky

After the match we get a recap of last week again, this time with actually moving pictures! Whoo!

Random Commercial Thought: Vacancy- described by Rachael as a two person Genocide.

Back to the show. The heels for the MITB are talking to each other when Finlay comes up to find out what they are saying. Booker arrives late and Finlay tells him the other two were talking behind his back. Booker decides to strike a deal between he and Finlay for the night where they will watch each others back (to make sure they don't have any bacne showing?). We go to a split screen of Vince and Lashley where we get Vince chattering on for a while saying Lashley was lucky he didn't show off his physique last week. Vince tells Bobby to count his lucky stars or Lucky Charms...the fuck? Rachael begs Vince to keep in his "Law of the Jungle" saying it will comes out next week with a splat (ew...). Vince says Lashley will be half the man he already is. Vince says he will win and still have his hair so Bobby's future will be very bleak. But wait, does that mean if he loses he won't be able to fire him even while bald? Is his hair the source of his power?

We get a shot of the MITB ladder as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Stone Cold was a cute kid, in an alcoholic kind of way.

Back to the show where Kennedy is on his way to the ring, followed by Orton, Booker and then Finlay minus a midget. The Hardys are next with CM Punk and finally Edge. The introductions take so long that we just get a shot of the MITB hanging over the ring before going to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I want gnomes sneaking into my house too, I better call Netflix.

Back to the show where the match is already under way.

The Hardys, CM Punk & Edge (Team Emo) vs. Finlay, King Booker, Mr. Kennedy & Randy Orton w/ Sharmell (Eight Man Tag Match)

Matt Hardy is knocking Kennedy around, hitting the Side Effect for two when King Booker breaks the pin. Matt stops Kennedy from making a tag with a front facelock, dragging him to Jeff for a double reverse elbow for two. Jeff misses a corner splash and Kennedy runs for the tag to Orton who stomps the Hardy boy down. Orton hits an uppercut on Jeff because somewhere along the line he forgot the definition of the word Wrestling. Randy runs at Jeff in the corner who flips over then hits Whisper in the Wind for two when Booker breaks it again. Jeff tags Matt back in who hits the top rope leg drop for two.

Matt tags in CM Punk who comes off the top with a double axe handle and a snap suplex for two when Kennedy breaks the pin. Orton manages to get a headlock on to make the tag to Finlay. Finlay takes advantage and kicks him in the gut, hitting a stiff clothesline. CM Punk holds his chest like a little emo girl broke his heart. Finlay hits a heavy body slam for two and Booker tags in. Booker gets huge suck chants hitting a reverse elbow before Finlay tags back in. Finlay puts on a headlock (take a shot). Finlay stops Punk's toes when he tries to escape to keep it on. Orton comes in, but CM Punk starts fighting back with kicks.

Orton hits a clothesline to the back of the head and a knee drop for two. Booker comes in and locks on a front face lock. CM Punk hits the Pepsi One into a bulldog and tags in Edge. Edge sets up for the spear then runs back over and tags in Punk. Edge leaves the ring. Booker hits an enziguiri on Punk and everyone spills into the ring. Jeff flies over the ropes onto Orton while Punk and Booker fight. Matt and Kennedy are tied up, but when CM Punk has the upper hand, he gets cracked in the head by Finlay's stick right into a scissor kick from Booker.

Winners: Booker, Finlay, Kenned & Orton

After the match all hell breaks loose, but the Hardys grab a ladder and clobber everyone with it. They both ascend the large ladder then (Tazz gives the technical measurement of "Ginormous") before both reaching for the briefcase. The Hardys seem to have a chat and look like they are about to make out before we go off the air.

And that ladies and gentlemen is why Gershon does this show, so I can sleep soundly without horrifying images of an incestuous Hardy love session dancing in my brain. Thanks a lot!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).