ECW: The Next Generation
Still standing here in LA! Home of EXTREME fire! Hmm, starting right out of the gate here, with Browntista being ousted from his ECW GM position for...wait for it...Teddy Long. Ummm, when I think ECW, I certainly don't think a midget black guy that looks like he just got hit with a gypsy curse. If you don't believe me, look up his mat classic against Eric Bischoff from a couple years ago.
CM Punk Vs. Tommy Dreamer Vs. Chavo Guerrero Vs. John Morrison, Fatal Four Way to decide who faces Kane later tonight and dear lord this is a long match title.
Cut TO THE BACK for Teddy and Armando discussing business, with the omnipresent BOARD OF DIRECTORS behind the GM change. Armando is then put in a match with "a familiar friend of mine" according to Teddy. Now I know what you think he's going to say, but you could tell he had to resist the urge. Undertaker's gone, playa. Instead, we get the US Champ, Matt Hardy.
Shelton Benjamin Vs. Random Douchebag - Matt Sydal
Matt Hardy Vs. Armando Estrada
Backstage, Teddy reaffirms what I thought of the story, as now Armando has to earn a contract. Woo fucking hoo. Ron Simmons earns his paycheck right after, and man he's getting some double chin action going. Damn. See what I did there?
Recap of the press conference earlier today, repeating the whole point of the contest in the first place - PLEASE WATCH RAW OH GOD PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE WE'LL PAY YOU MAYBE! Ugh. Is writing compelling TV really THAT hard to do?
CM Punk Vs. Kane, Non-title Match
Uppers: Opener and closer were solid as usual, and even one of the squashes got in on the act. I'm telling you, Shelton and Sydal was about as entertaining a squash can get. Have a look see when you get the chance. Damn thing was only like 5 minutes, so even if you think it sucked, not too much of your life was wasted. So, watch that, and then go back to playing World of Warcraft or whatever the hell you people do these days.
Still standing here in...didn't catch it, not important.
In the back, Browntista tries to mack with some generic blonde, but Teddy comes in to put a stop to that shit. Long immediately books Armando in a match later against Finlay. Oh joy, can't wait for that one. Wonder how it'll end?
Recap of Million Dollar Mania. Yawnnnnnnn. Getting sleepy just thinking about it. Moving on...
Kelly Kelly Vs. Victoria
Shill for shareholders WWE! BUY OUR STOCK PLEASE! Man, I've seen hookers with more dignity.
Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. Armando Estrada
Predator in the house! Makes sense, given this fucking heat wave here. Mark Henry calls out Big Show, who's sporting quite the shiner from his match at One Night Stand. Show mocks the injury for the camera on the way down. I tell you, when he's motivated, Paul Wight is one of the best fucking entertainers on the roster. Seriously.
Kane and CM Punk Vs. John Morrison and Miz
Before I go, just a quick thing to mention. The Wrestling Fan has a new forum opening up for business, RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Join it, before it gets too big. And it will. It will be a cultural revolution, the likes of which you've never seen. And if you sign up later? Well, you're just a poser then. Don't you want to be cool? An original? Fuck yeah you do. So join. Now.
So, here we are again. How about Raw last night? Well let's see:
- Blink and you'll miss some of those matches! I'd honestly like to know how much of last night had actual wrestling in it, because, hard as it may be to believe, I am pretty sure it was less than last week. At this rate, we’re going to be looking at the first-ever no wrestling episode of Raw. Did I scare you yet?
- Lance Cade: WWE CHAMPION. No, that didn’t happen, but good Lord, they might be trying to do something like that in the future based on the end of last night. Now THAT is scary. Establishing new main eventers is one thing, but when the guy you’ve established has spent the overwhelming majority of his WWE career being presented as a scrub, can you really take him seriously?
- Oh yes, there was Ric Flair coming back. Sort of. A 3.0 rating will make you do some CRAZY shit. Though, to be fair, all he did in the ring tonight was sweat a lot and drop some elbows on some poor, stray business jackets. They never were quite the same afterwards. Oh, and HHH couldn’t wait to “make Jericho his business.” Oh you crazy Hunter, can’t you at least remotely attempt to hide your hate of Chris Jericho?
It was better than last week, I can give you that. Watching me take a shit for two hours would be better than last week though.
Also, I read somewhere that may or may not be easy to find from the main page about Elijah Burke’s new gimmick: The Black Pope. Initially, I was skeptical, yet hopeful. After all, anything that gets him back on TV and winning is A OK with me. The guy has a ton of charisma and talent (and his entries on WWE.com aren’t half bad either). Now, I was initially meh on this one (thinking it’s going to be Reverend D-Von V 2.0), but seriously, CHECK THE LOOK:
I mean, come ON! Benedict wishes he had a pimp chalice (other than the holy grail)! I’m seriously interested to see how this pans out. Seriously. Now, let’s get this shit train a rollin’!
Still standing here in San Jose! And some nice pyro kicks us off. Take that, old ECW lovers! Sure, the actual program right now might be shit in comparison, but WE HAVE FIREWORKS. E. C. Dub.
Uhhh...Hornswoggle. Yep. Vs. Armando Estrada
It's a shame I can't exactly gamble on here, because I would immediately bet my life savings that this match will not go without CHICANERY.
Hornswoggle shows Armando that Ireland has a trade embargo on Cuba as well, breaking some cigars. This starts the live-action Looney Tunes, including Estrada sliding on marbles on the outside, getting hit with an inflatable hammer, and double squirt-gun action with a cameo from Finlay. Finlay throws Armando back into the ring to meet a tadpole splash for the win.
Loser: ECW's streak of good opening matches
What stood out: Apparently Comcast switched up the channel lineup. I turned on what I thought was the Sci-Fi channel, and I got Cartoon Network. Holy shit that was bad.
After the match, Tazz conducts a post-match interview with Finlay, and apparently under the ring is a gateway to a FANTASTICAL DIMENSION, filled with all manner of goodies, and not just support beams, nonsensical amounts of furniture, and a bucket for shitting, no sir. JIG TIME! Ok, get this off my screen.
Apparently on a WWE.com exclusive that wasn’t really an exclusive because it was just shown on my TV, Layla gave a little dance. Good for her. Next match please!
Matt Striker Vs. Evan Bourne
Recap of last week’s opener, a.k.a. “One of these things is not like the other.”
Starting this match out, Evan does more of his good stuff, which Striker proceeds to slow-mo sell. Hangman spinning neckbreaker gets Striker to take over. As an aside, Matt decided to wear not very gay trunks this time! All it cost was his entrance music.
AAAAAAAnyway, Bourne takes over for a little longer, with a counter-fest soon resulting. This one ends soon after, with Evan hitting, of all things, a FUCKING NICE SHOOTING STAR PRESS. Maybe he got special clearance for that one? Well his hair is short (Not London or Kidman) and black (Not Brock Lesnar), so maybe he gets to use it for simple hair reasons. Or maybe because he CAN DO IT CORRECTLY.
Winner: Evan Bourne
What stood out: The SSP. Even as those go (it’s an awesome looking move
by nature), Looks like
SydalBourne knows what the hell he’s doing. It
was an awesome looking one, but that might just be since I haven’t seen one in years.
After the match, a hobo or caveman or something (Mike Knox) ambushes Evan to hit the Knox Out (that spinning thing that I could never find out the name of, UNTIL NOW). This leads right into the next match:
Mike Knox Vs. Kofi Kingston
Kofi tries some of his monkey kung-fu to start, but Cavemen don’t fuck around. They’re just evolutionarily better. Ask Batista sometime, he’ll tell you. After some serious restholdage, Kofi goes back on offense before Shelton (sporting a MONSTER tattoo on his left bicep) makes a not-so-subtle walk to the ring (seeing how his music blared through the speakers, guess he wasn’t looking for the element of surprise) to attack Kofi for the DQ.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
What stood out: Really, this was too short to make anything of it. Umm, how about Knox’s beard and Shelton’s tattoo, both of which aren’t passing any wellness tests anytime soon.
So, yeah, Shelton and Kofi are fighting, Shelton’s dominating, but Kofi is able to fake out Shelton to hit Knox, and escapes. And that’s about it. Nothing to see here, folks.
Recap of Million Dollar Mania last night. And now I have a picture and name of a guy, who lives probably minutes away from me, that now has 300 grand. Nobody’s going to tell on me if I decide to do terrible, terrible things to this man, will they?
Now, TO THE BACK, where Hornswoggle and Finlay are celebrating with Teddy Long and Generic Blonde Secretary (Tiffany, I think was one of the Diva sluts from last year). They sign the contract to face Miz and Morrison at Night of Champions. Even though they announced it last night on Raw. Um, oops? Oh, and Hornswoggle apparently gave daddy Finlay some sass, as it looks like he’s been beaten back into mental retardation. No more ability to form words, and bites girls. Shame. But not really.
ed out on a nightly
basis Vs. John Morrison
No Miz interfering in this match, as I forgot to mention, he scoffed, SCOFFED I SAY, at Long giving the Irish a shot at Vengeance. So, Finlay just pops him with his love stick. No, not the one you’re thinking of. Pervert.
Looks like CM and Johnny are starting up another best of infinity series, eh? Didn’t this appear on SmackDown like a week ago? Yay variety! Punk on top at first, but Morrison takes over with a pretty nice legsweep. Yes, a legsweep. Believe it. (Waiting for Naruto fanboy bombardment…) Ok, so Morrison gets some sort of leg and arm stretch in, bringing the pace of the match to a standstill. But that’s how heels do things. It’s, dare I say it, a FAN LAW. Few shots in the corner, then back to the stretch. Blah, blah, blah, Morrison attacks the ribs some more. Look, you’re getting this for free – want a better recap, hit the pay area of TWF.
What do you mean everything’s free? Ok, ok, fine, back to the match.
So like I said, Morrsion constantly attacks the ribs of CM Punk, with a few hope spots thrown in for good measure. Oh, and apparently, Morrison joins the ECW MMA club, with some ground and pound on Punk. CM Punk battles out of the bodyscissors, and manages to hit the Pepsi One knee, but can’t land the bulldog. Really though, when was the last time he hit that fucking thing? Does it surprise you? John Morrithon (blame Adamle) takes over again, working the ribs, AGAIN, but, in a nice finish, CM Punk caught Morrison off the ropes into a GTS for the win.
Winner: CM Punk
What stood out: My bullshit aside, this was a fine and dandy match. But that’s par for the course for these two guys. They did some nice psychology (something you don’t see often in ECW due to time constraints), leading to a good, well-paced match.
Miz comes out for a quickie promo, stating how they still are, and still will be champs after Vengeance. Be Jealous? BE JEALOUS? Fuck you man, I was using that when you were still on the Real World! Actually, no I wasn’t, but wouldn’t I be cool if I did?
Time for the main event, a Champ Vs. Challenger CONFRONTATION. Not a match, no no, a CONFRONTATION. Teddy plays mediator, and I suppose makeshift bobble-head doll, to the two participants. First out is Big Show, with his face looking slightly less Sloth-esque from last week. Next out is, ummm guess. MARK HENRY! Nope, just fucking with you, it’s Kane. I’m trying to make this exciting for you!
Show brings up his and Kane’s history, yet conveniently leaves out May 19th. But why? It was so good! Kane responds how he’ll do unthinkable things to keep his title. Perhaps rape a dead cheerleader? No? Anyway, they go GET IN EACH OTHER’S FACE, and Mark Henry (no bullshit this time, I can just predict the future) comes out, and announces how he’ll come after the champ, post-Vengeance. This earns him a tandem chokeslam, probably because neither of these guys have the strength to pick this lardass up on their own. Kane and Show get back in each other’s faces and talk inaudibly. Maybe discussing dinner plans? Spanish people eat dinner at 11 P.M., after all. THE END.
Uppers: With a notable exception, all the matches tonight were quite decent. Bourne gets to use BANNED MOVES, Kofi gets some build, and CM/Morrison put on a fine showing to cap off the evening. Outside of it being the Main Event technically, Kane and Show had a fine segment. Plus, any segment that makes Mark Henry look like a Biggity Black Bitch is good with me.
Downers: HOLY SHIT THE OPENER WAS BAD. Also, I’m of a group that prefers the main event to always be an actual match. Really though, outside of the shit opening match, I had no problem tonight. Maybe could’ve used a dash of Black Pope.
Overall: Once again, a fine showing of ECW that most likely, NO ONE WATCHED. To me (and no I’m not being biased because I recap the fucking show) ECW is, surprisingly, probably the most wrestling-intensive of the four major shows on the air right now. Again, nobody’s watching, so that’s irrelevant. Enjoy your half-hour long segments and no wrestling in your wrestling shows. Bastards.
Now, to address an issue once again. I happened to hop on the BRAND FUCKING NEW FORUM earlier this evening, and I noticed something. There are not, in fact, 6 billion registered members yet. This means some of you out there haven’t signed up yet. What in the HELL is wrong with you people? You don’t sign up, you risk missing out on some of the funniest shit. Then what will you do with your life, knowing you’ve missed out on many laughs? Kill yourself? That’s what I’d do. Take this for example:
“It’s this simple. When we’re laughing at Amy Winehouse, we don’t want your professional opinion as an all-round jack-ass. We want you to tell us that she looks like Judy, the first Donkey you ever rid when you were three. Instead of that, we get, ‘hmmmm. I don’t see the talent.’ Who’s the fucking donkey now? ALL OF THE FINGERS ARE POINTING AT YOU.”
Who wrote this? Why did he? Who’s it directed to? Does it not SCREAM camaraderie? Just do everyone a favor. Join. Now. Maybe I’ll stop with the threatening language! Maybe.
Anyway, I’m Neil McGilloway, and assuming I’m not fired, ‘till next week.
So, what do you think I’m going to talk about before the show? Hmmm, what newsworthy thing has gone on in WWE in the past few days….what indeed. For the record, as a writer for an Internet wrestling website, I am contractually obligated to write about what went down last night on Raw. Oh, also, there’ll be an extra challenge to this, as any possible jokes I could have possibly made on the subject have already been made on TWF’S FUCKING WORLD FAMOUS FORUM (only mention of the night I swear. It’s a cool place still though). So, can I entertain you without getting clusterfucked with plagiarism charges? Let’s find out!
First off, let’s go over the draft, one guy at a time:
Rey Mysterio to Raw – Um, unless they plan on recreating the utterly impressive title run that he had on SmackDown, I don’t see much of a problem with this. If he gets the title again, please, PLEASE GOD let him win a match or two?
Jeff Hardy to SD – I guess when he finally gets his 3rd strike, it’ll be easier for him to disappear if he’s on the B show…
CM Punk to Raw – I actually saw this one coming, and probably a whole lot of you faithful readers out there did too. Um, same position as Mysterio. He’ll lose a lot, and probably will go down in history as the first guy who’ll blow his MITB shot. Yay.
Matt Hardy to ECW – Well, we all know what happened to the last guy that got drafted to ECW. Good thing Lita isn’t still with this guy, or she’d be doing botched moonsaults in lucha heaven by now. He’ll do fine on the C-Show methinks.
JR to SD, Cole to Raw – Wow, this was a bit surprising, and looking at JR’s face, I’d have to say I’m not the only one shocked. I assume he was smart and saved his money up, so if JR wanted to leave, he probably could. Damn man, at least remotely attempt to hide your anger at this one.
Batista to Raw – OK? So he can get millions of title shots on the red brand now? Sign me up!
Umaga to SD – Obvious to everyone. Blah. Moving on.
Kane to Raw – Uhhhh, yeah. This really helps my show’s chances. On a funny note, I think Taz was legit surprised at some of the decisions tonight, because he sounded PISSED at this one. Can’t blame ya little buddy.
Kennedy to SD – No big deal to me. He can do nothing on SmackDown instead of Raw.
HHH to SD – Provided this one actually sticks (I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s back on Raw in exchange for, say, the entire tag division on that show), this kind of shakes up a few things. I don’t think he is going to stay on this show for long. He likes him some attention, what can I say.
Summary – All three brands come to the draft party, but Raw and SmackDown decide to be rude and not bring any KY Jelly for the absolute bloody rape of ECW. Bastards. As it stands right now, the only “World” title (using the term loosely) on the main show is the ECW title, while SmackDown has the other two. So, it’s a given either Edge or HHH is losing their title on Sunday. I predict Kane’s reign is done for, with Edge also losing his title to Batista, to get that title on Raw, effectively switching the title’s brands. Why do I say that? Because in the battle of two big blonde dudes that have a death grip on a world title, and are also fucking women of authority that both have their own respective gravitational pulls along with voices that instill a desire to jam a Phillips-head into your eardrums (side note: No wonder Eddie’s heart was so big! It’d have to be to stay with that!), it comes down to one thing. One girl writes this shit, and the other IS shit. Case closed.
It was a good shaking of things up for the main brands, and it brings into question of what they’re going to do with ECW. If they just maintain the status quo this show has been doing, based on the ratings ECW is getting, I’m going to be out of a job soon enough. If they’re able to provide some FUCKING DIRECTION (say, make the show a showcase for the up-and-comers), well, they might be able to turn it around. I doubt it though.
Oh, almost forgot: VINCE DIES 2 – ELECTRIC
LIGHT SET BOOGALOO. “Paul,
I can’t feel my legs!” OMGSHOOT. Ok, let’s get this out of
the way first. This was so ungodly in bad taste that I think I had an aneurysm. Let’s add things up. One-year
anniversary of Wrestler double murder-suicide? Check. Week or two after a guy DIED from what they were portraying tonight?
You betcha. I swear to God, someone just needs to kick Vince in the balls
when he comes up with this stuff. I’ll give the story a shot to see where
it’s going (my guess is a pissed off Undertaker going to Raw, with Regal being second place), but for once, I was speechless
seeing that. That’s not a good thing.
Still standing here in Houston! Well, barely. Recap of MDM with a side
of shoddy stage structure starts us off. Damn Hunter got there fast! Rumors of him brandishing a knife to finish the job were unsubstantiated.
Teddy Long is now out to introduce the
unlucky sap newest member of ECW, Matt Hardy! Oh, and we have a match too!
Matt Hardy and CM Punk Vs. John Morrison and The Miz
Well, at least they kept the non-ECW-ness to a minimum. Just having a guy from Raw out there, along with the other three participants holding SmackDown gold. Other than that, TOTALLY ECW. Ugh.
Basic working over of Matt to start us out, but that doesn’t last too long. CM Punk FINALLY hits all of the Pepsi One in a nice spot (MH simultaneously hit his corner clothesline to bulldog, with the two high fiving in mid-air). CM Punk takes a ride outside of the ring, and the heels take over.
Credit where it’s due, Miz and Morrison are pretty damn good as a tag team. Cameron brought up an interesting point last night though, because really, Miz needs to learn more moves than clotheslines, restholds, and the Reality Check. He does them well though; I’ll give him that. After a while, CM gets the hot tag to Matt, who comes in a (brother’s) HOUSE ON FIRE on Morrison. Heels try to sneak a win, but Hornswoggle manages to distract Miz. This lets Matt hit a twist of fate OUTTA NOWHERE for the win.
Winner: Matt Hardy and CM Punk
What stood out: A fine opener, and a good showing from the champs. What else can I say? Nothing really of note popped out at me.
Matt and Phil celebrate in the ring some more after the match. Yawn.
Shelton Benjamin Vs. Kofi Kingston, Extreme Rules
Hey, they have to mix these matches up somehow, right? I’d mark if Kofi broke a bong over Shelton’s head. Don’t act like you wouldn’t too.
Shelton gets the early upper hand, as has been the case with, oh, EVERY MATCH THESE TWO HAVE BEEN IN. Kofi takes over soon, using his face to bounce off the ropes to fake Benjamin out into a dropkick. Now outside of the ring, Shelton uses a microphone and the steel steps as I notice a notification for a supplemental draft tomorrow. THANK GOD. Just the bandage ECW needs! Lots and lots of midcarders!
Anyway, for the next, about, 5 minutes, Shelton works over Kofi with some solid aluminum trashcans, along with setting one up in the corner that he’ll undoubtedly be thrown into later. Kofi finally turns things around when Shelton goes for three stinger splashes, getting popped with a trash can lid on the third one. My prophecy comes true as Kofi counters a corner powerbomb into a hurricanrana, sending Shelton into the corner trash can, letting Kofi hit some rolling papers for the victory.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
What stood out: BLACK ON BLACK VIOLENCE! Also, those trashcans looked about as sturdy as an empty beer can. I realize that’s the point (loud hitting noises = pain, of course), thanks for asking.
Kane promo in the back…or not. He just laughs with spoooooooooky music in the background. Okay?
Mike Knox Vs. Evan Bourne
Ah, Mike, with the ever growing beard. If he’s not a caveman or a hobo, he’s a serial rapist. There, I said it.
From the bell, it’s all Knox, taking a trip to resthold city after a few stiff shots. Bourne battles out, hitting some of that high-flying offense, actually bringing this crowd to life. However, that all goes to shit when, in a cool finishing sequence, Mike catches Bourne trying to do a spinning heel kick, transferring it into a backbreaker, and chaining immediately to the Knox out for the three. King would approve, if he could say something other than growls that is.
Winner: Mike Knox
What stood out: The finish, which was pretty cool. Though Mike needs to get rid of that rapist beard, and fast. I can see it now. Cops pull him over, tell him to put his hands up, and sadly, he’s physically unable, only managing to put one arm up, while the other just kind of juts off to the side. Not cooperating, he’s shot to death. He was such a good kid too. OK, not really. Still, it’s sad to someone, somewhere.
Big Show out to commentate the Main Event, an EPIC battle of movie legends…
Jacob Goodnight Vs. Predator
Safe bet someone said this somewhere. Too bad. I swipes with the greatest of ease! Oh, and also, just noticed that Mark Henry is officially an ECW man. When did that happen?
Back and forth from the bell, with nary a wrestling hold to be seen. Punches and kicks galore! Henry locks in a bearhug, as I noticed some serious sweat spots down Mizark’s back. Jesus Christ man. Kane, of all people, busts out an ENZUGUIRI, before going up top. Mark breaks that up, and then hits the World’s Strongest Slam for the…win? Wahuh?
Winner: Mark Henry
What stood out: Mark winning clean as a sheet over the champ, duh. Announcers tried their hardest to try and explain this was due to Big Show, but all his huge ass did was sit and give commentary. Honorable mention to Show, as he did some good commentary. He brought up the history between him and Kane, put over both men as legit threats (no easy feat considering how Mark Henry’s been portrayed, oh, his whole career), and managed to do it all ENTERTAININGLY. Good Show.
Big Show, Taz, and Mike all sign us off. Nothing special. THE END.
Uppers: The first two matches both got a whole lot of time, and it resulted in producing fairly well done matches. Once again, pretty much this entire show was all wrestling. Also, a complete absence of post-match shenanigans. Considering that’s been a staple of WWE for the past few years now, that might have been the biggest shocker of the night.
Downers: Mark Henry pins Kane clean. Not to side with a certain alcoholic racist member of the writing team, but that just made no fucking sense to me. If we’re to take him seriously as a title threat, wouldn’t the two competitors this Sunday treating him like trash last week be more than a little counterproductive? Also, Texas is the new North/South Carolina as far as the crowd goes. Didn’t realize there were so many amputees in the crowd tonight, because DAMN if the crickets weren’t out in full force. Nothing tonight really woke the crowd up, like at all. I’d say Matt Hardy and Evan Bourne got a reaction, and even then it was only for a few seconds. Depressing.
Overall: New rule – prove that you’re actually going to DO SOMETHING at a show you’re going to other than sit there in silence. This was a decent show at best, but no crowd really killed it for me. Post-Vengeance, I hope to see some changes. I won’t get them, but still, I’ll hope.
As always, I’m Neil McGilloway, and assuming I’m not fired (or ECW gets cancelled immediately), ‘til next week.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).