ECW: The Next Generation
(June
2007 Archives.)
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June 05, 2007
June 12, 2007
June 19, 2007
June 26, 2007
Happy happy anniversary to me! In case you didn’t
know this Thursday is the one year anniversary of my becoming a full time writer for this site. And if
you’re trying to wrap your head around how it falls on a Thursday when I write on Tuesdays, my first official column
was the WWE vs. ECW Head to Head special the Wednesday before ECW on Sci Fi debuted. It’s been quite
a year, and what do we have to show for it? Well, as of next week’s show the roster could end up
being completely different!
A recap of Lashley’s win at One Night Stand is shown including
Shane’s awesome top rope moves. The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Orlando, Florida and
Vince McMahon is sitting in a rocking chair near the entrance. Ha I get it! He’s
the WWE CHAIR MAN!!! Hey Vince, I have a question for you. ARE YOU READY TO ROCK???
Lashley’s music hits followed by his entrance and I just realized Tony Schimmel is doing the ring announcing
tonight. The generic ECW music then hits and Sandman, Dreamer and Balls Mahoney enter for a handicapped
hardcore match. Umm, wouldn’t that be EXTREEEEEEEEEEME RULES?
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Sandman, Tommy Dreamer,
and Balls Mahoney (May As Well Be a Casket Match With All These Burials)
The Originals all attack Lashley with various weapons.
Dreamer hits with a trash can, Sandman with a cane, and Balls with a sign. Lashley then reverses
a suplex and hits Dreamer with one instead. Outside Sandman connects with the cane and Dreamer and Sandman
hit a tandem suplex on the floor. Lashley then gets up and throws Dreamer into the hollow steps.
Balls hits Lashley with some Teabagging then throws him back in. Sandman hits a leg drop from the
top while Lashley is hanging on the ropes. Dreamer then sets up a chair on top of Lashley in the corner
and dropkicks before borrowing one from Bubba Ray and says “Balls, Sandman….GET THE TABLES!”
Sandman sets one up in the corner and Balls goes to hit Lashley with a chair but he moves and hits Dreamer instead.
Balls then hits Lashley with the chair a few times before setting it up under his head. He then
goes to the top but Lashley moves and Balls lands ass first right on the chair. He then spears Sandman
through the table and turns around to botch a spear on Balls before getting the pin.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
After the match, Lashley goes to the entrance area and stands right
in front of Vince with the ECW title belt before we go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: Hostel Part II has “the
most shocking ending in horror movie history”. Isn’t that kind of subjective?
Kevin Thorn’s music hits followed by Stevie Richards.
Wow, didn’t he wrestle last week? He’s met his annual quota already!
Kevin Thorn vs. Stevie Richards (Right to Suck Your Blood)
Thorn gets aggressive early but Richards fights back.
Outside Richards tries to jump on Thorn but he gets caught and dropped on the ring barricade. Back
inside, Thorn puts on an Orton Lock. Richards breaks out and hits a clothesline then a drop toe hold similar
to Mysterio’s before he goes for the 619. He then hits a dropkick while Thorn is on the ropes.
He goes in for more offense but gets caught in a crucifix powerbomb. He then goes for Original Sin
and Richards sneaks out and goes to the top rope. Thorn knocks him on his cash and prizes then hits Original
Sin and gets the three count.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
After a commercial, we get Extreme Expose with a song called “Ay
Chico”. When did Scott Hall start recording albums? We then go to footage from
ONS of Randy Orton decimating RVD. Next up Elijah Burke and Monty Cor Von, err Marcus make their entrance
to face the Major Brothers.
The Major Brothers vs. Elijah Burke and Marcus Cor Von (Brothers
vs. Bruthas)
Cor Von attacks Brian in the corner but he comes back with an arm
lock and a series of chops. Each brother (the bloodline ones) tag in and hit a top rope double axe handle.
Burke manages to tag in and the Major Brothers manage a tandem jump over Burke’s head (rather impressive actually)
and then hit a tandem hip toss. Cor Von tags back in and uses his power while the crowd starts a “boring”
chant and I start a “you’re the morons who bought the tickets” chant. Burke tags back
and hits a move from the top rope and gets a two count. Burke then puts on an abdominal stretch which Brett
Majors breaks out of and Brian tags in. Cor Von gets a blind tag and Brian gets nailed with a kick followed
by the Generic Football Block of DEATH and gets the pin.
Winners: Marcus Cor Von and Elijah Burke
CM Punk makes an entrance followed by Matt Striker who brings a
microphone with him to spout out some umm, educational knowledge. I wonder if he was the teacher of Rob
Van Dam’s feet.
CM Punk vs. Matt Striker (Straight Edge Ruler Match)
Punk does a head snap and screams “GO TO SCHOOL!”
before kicking him in the back.
Striker manages to come back though and hits a suplex.
He then puts on a “textbook” half Boston Crab (I am so funny). Back on their feet, Punk
ends up hanging on the ropes and Striker hits a swinging neckbreaker and back to the half Boston Crab or as their residents
would say “Bahstan Crahb”. Punk fights back and hits a series of punches and kicks then the
Pepsi One followed by a bulldog and a two count. He hits the Nyquil and calls it a night.
Winner: CM Punk
Joey and Tazz mention that Punk and who knows who else may end
up gone from or coming to ECW. Please Extreme Expose, PLEASE!
Extreme Moment: I’m
not going to pick one in particular but all of the matches were surprisingly entertaining tonight.
Not So Extreme Moment:
Well all that’s left is Extreme Expose so there you go.
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent
self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.
Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for
his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!". He also is filing a lawsuit against
Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.
So for some reason I decided to watch Raw last night as I was interested
in who would get drafted. And well, if you don’t know by now what happened you’re obviously
living under an exploding limo…or maybe a rock. Oh this is the official one year anniversary of ECW
on Sci Fi too, whoop de doo where’s my dignity?
Earlier today, the WWE flag was flown at half mast at the headquarters.
Joey and Tazz are talking in Owen Hart voices and they show Vince’s demise last night.
I thought it was funny during his walk in the back to see all the jobbers who never get TV time (especially when the
fans went “HOOO” when they saw Duggan) and there were some guys I had never seen before. By
the way Vince, I was blown up in a vehicle on national television YEARS ago so as usual you are not original.
To explain, I was in a re-enactment on America’s Most Wanted and portrayed the victim of a car bombing.
Tonight there will be matches dedicated to Mr. McMahon’s memory and they do the toll of the bell.
Say what you will, this storyline (which is not real though some people seem to think it is) is pretty well, geez I
don’t even know what to call it. I don’t find it offensive and it was definitely surprising.
And I’m actually interested to see where they’re going with it. Tommy Dreamer is out
first followed by Balls Mahoney for our first match under EXTREEEEEEEEEME Rules. Wow, two Originals in
a match dedicated to Vince? Something is not making sense there.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Balls Mahoney (Innovator of My Balls Match)
Balls does some Teabagging early but Dreamer blocks the last punch.
Balls ends up on the outside (as do mine on a frequent basis). Tommy grabs some weapons and tries
to hit Balls with the kitchen sink but misses and then gets thrown into the hollow steps. Back inside Balls
connects with a trash can lid. Dreamer comes back and hits Balls with an actual trash can.
He then grabs a couple chairs. He sets it upside down and goes for a suplex but Balls instead uses
a drop toe hold into the chair. Mahoney goes to the top but gets dropped onto his umm, balls.
He then is stuck in the Tree of Woe (where Joey Lawrence built a house as a kid) and Dreamer hits a dropkick into a
trash can into Balls. Tommy gets a table and starts setting it up but gets hit with a trash can.
Balls sets him up on the half open table and goes to the top but lands ass first on the table when Tommy moves.
Dreamer hits a DDT on the chair and gets the pin.
Winner: Tommy Dreamer
After a commercial, it’s TIME for the Boogeyman!
Get it? Because he has a clock! Oh wait that’s joke’s been done to
death on Smackdown.
The Boogeyman vs. Matt Striker (A Terror to Children Everywhere
vs. The Boogeyman)
Boogeyman dominates early but Striker fights back with some punches
and a dropkick. He fights back with a slam then a clothesline in the corner. He then
hits a powerbomb which I will call the Wormanator and gets the pin.
Winner: Boogeyman
He does his worm schtick after the match and well that’s
gross. We do a commercial and they show the FASCINATING footage of the firemen spraying water on the flaming
limo.
Chris Benoit makes his ECW return (sort of but it rules nonetheless)
to team with CM Punk to face the New Breed.
Chris Benoit and CM Punk vs Elijah Burke and Marcus Cor Von
(Rabid Punk vs. Alpha Experience, Wow That Sucked)
Punk and Cor Von trade off headlocks then Marcus hits a series
of punches. Burke tags in and continues the beat down. Punk manages to come back and
tags in Benoit. Tazz raves about his toughness and he shows it with a snap suplex before Cor Von tags back
in. Both guys trade off punches and Cor Von gains control but Benoit is able to escape and tag.
Punk comes in and hits a flying forearm from the top. He then hits the Pepsi One in the corner.
Cor Von goes to the outside and we go to commercial where we assume nothing is happening. When we’re
back, hey how did Burke get back in the ring? He tags out and Cor Von uses some powerful right hands to
keep Punk down. Eventually Punk tries to come back but Cor Von throws him into the corner.
Burke tags in and Cor Von stays in the ring to hit a slam and then the bell rings. Apparently he
was DQ’ed for staying in for five seconds after the tag. They actually enforce that?
Winners by DQ: Benoit and Punk
Benoit comes in, hits the triple Germans, headbutt from the top
and the sharpshooter to which Burke taps.
We get to see Vince go boom again. And that’s
all.
Extreme Moment: Opening
match was good, and seeing Benoit on ECW rocks though the ending of his match was odd. Oh and no Extreme
Expose! That’s a shocker since the show was dedicated to Vince.
Not So Extreme Moment:
The whole fake death is one thing, but the whole “night dedicated to Vince” is rather lame.
The Boogeyman schtick is old too.
Sean’s got breaking news on the explosion which I didn’t get because I never watched the Sopranos. I think I had sex with
one though when I sang baritone. All the other goodies are here too, just in time for my birthday next
week. Send your presents now or you will have to start paying me in cash (or tacos) for me to continue
to recap this stuff. Now hit my music!
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent
self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.
Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for
his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!". He also is filing a lawsuit against
Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.
I’m skipping the clever intro and getting right to tonight’s
show because I know we’re all DYING to see the limo explode again and the riveting footage of firefighters putting out
the fire.
The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Charlotte, North
Cackalacki. Hey we’re in Flair Country! And also Hardyville! And
umm, the place where Shannon Moore is from! My first hookup in college lives there too, but I somehow doubt
she’s in the arena. We get some footage of some of the witnesses from the explosion last week.
Chris Benoit is out first and he’ll face Elijah Burke for a shot at the ECW title on this month’s fifteenth
pay per view Vengeance.
Chris Benoit vs. Elijah Burke (First Match of the HUGE Four
Man Championship Tournament)
Benoit tries for the Crossface a couple times but Burke is able
to get out of it. Burke takes over control in the corner with a series of kicks and punches. He
then locks in a lower abdominal stretch but Benoit gets to his feet and hits a Northern Lights suplex but only gets two.
Benoit then gets dropped on the top rope. Burke then misses a move and goes flying into the ropes
himself. Benoit hits a snap suplex and then another Northern Lights suplex and gets two. He
then does the triple Germans which makes some of Burke’s beads in his hair fall out. Benoit then
goes to the top for the headbutt but goes right into Burke’s knees. Both guys then counter each other’s
moves a couple times before Burke misses the Elijah Express and Benoit locks in the Sharpshooter and Burke taps.
Winner: Chris Benoit
After a commercial, they show Stephanie’s promo from Raw
last night. Even after Mr. McMahon’s death, he obviously still hates ECW since he makes us sit through
this again. She did look pretty good though considering she is post childbirth. Poor
Cameron has to do ANOTHER three hour show next week. Sucks to be you dude.
Next is the Boogeyman. You know when I was a
kid we called this one guy that because he ate his boogers. Not sure if he ate worms or broke clocks though.
He’ll be facing Sean Alexander. What, Stevie Richards wasn’t available?
Boogeyman vs. Sean Alexander (The Early Jobber Gets
the Worms)
Boogeyman hits the Wormanator and basically squashed the guy like
a worm.
Winner: Boogeyman
He does his usual worm schtick and well, who wants to go fishing?
We pay the bills and then get Tommy Dreamer who will be facing
Kevin Thorn.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Kevin Thorn (Fangs for the Memories or If
Ariel Was Still Here, Fangs for the Mammaries)
Almost immediately Thorn hits a crucifix powerbomb then a few elbow
drops before an Orton Lock. The crowd starts chanting for tables and well, I guess that’s the only
way they get wood on this show. Dreamer breaks out and hits a bulldog. He goes for a
DDT but Thorn counters but he still hits a sit down powerbomb. Dreamer then does punches in the corner
from the second rope but Thorn ducks out and knocks him down. Dreamer falls really awkwardly and clutches
his ankle as Thorn takes advantage to get the pin.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
We get to see the limo explosion again and now they suggest parental
guidance? I wish they had before, that really messed with my mind and I plan to blow up every long white
limo I see. You’re next George Clooney!
ECW’s only good pick from the supplemental draft Johnny Nitro
is out next for a match against Nunzio. Wow, we’re gonna end up with five matches tonight!
Talk about your overkill!
Johnny Nitro vs. Nunzio (This Match Will Be Contested Without
Banshee Screams)
Nunzio does a sidelock takedown but Nitro is able to hit a springboard
kick after he gets up. Nunzio fights back though and hits a couple of blows to the back and then a crazy
looking hurrican-rana (or maybe that should be a lasagna-rana) then a dropkick from the second rope. Nitro
fights back with a neckbreaker and gets a two count. He then hits a neckbreaker with a flip included.
Let’s call that the Paparazzi Pop. If you have a better suggestion, send it to me.
He gets the pin after that.
Winner: Johnny Nitro
Apparently the Miz will make his ECW debut umm preferably never
but I think they said next week. The Extremely Exposed Sluts are excited especially Brooke.
I noticed they give Kelly Squared the least amount to say. Good lord people, I’ve seen more
emotion in a Halloween mask. At least they consolidated their crap into one segment.
And we are ready for our last match.
CM Punk vs. Marcus Cor Von (Second Match of the HUGE Four Man
Championship Tournament)
Cor Von starts off with his power but Punk avoids a throw to the
corner with a flying cross body and then a couple of arm drags. Punk then hits a few kicks but Cor Von
hits a flying arm bar. Cor Von maintains control working on Punk’s arm. Back on
his feet, Punk tries to come back but ends up on the receiving end of a fall away slam. Cor Von continues
to work on Punk’s arm. Punk comes back though and hits a few clotheslines then a flying leg lariat.
He then hits the Pepsi One followed by a bulldog. Punk goes to the top for a flying cross body but
Cor Von looks like he botched a power slam and just rolls him over instead but only gets two. Cor Von misses
a move in the corner and Punk hits the Nyquil for the win.
Winner: CM Punk
Benoit comes out for the prerequisite staredown leading into the
pay per view. Benoit extends his hand and Punk shakes it as we go off the air. That
should be a good match actually.
Extreme Moment: The
two matches in the “tournament” were both entertaining. I actually thought Burke would win
so a nice surprise.
Not So Extreme Moment:
Hoo-rah!
Check out Cameron’s Raw because whether or not he will still be here next week is a bigger mystery then who blew up Vince’s limo.
Also check out Catherine’s Deadface Walking because she brings the estrogen this site so desperately needed. Don’t forget Bullfrog’s filling
in for Smackdown last week and Neil’s filling in for Bullfrog on TNA. Man that’s so confusing I need to lie down. And hey don’t forget to send
me birthday wishes for Thursday. Also send money. And pie. Lots and
lots of pie. Now hit my music!
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent
self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.
Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for
his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!". He also is filing a lawsuit against
Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.
[The Following May offend some.]
Before I begin tonight, I’d just like to say that I am very
saddened by the tragedy of what happened yesterday. Chris Benoit was one of my all time favorite wrestlers,
and his matches were always entertaining to watch. The reports that have been coming out have no doubt
been shocking and near impossible to comprehend. My column tonight will serve two purposes:
One, to get our site back to business after a difficult day. Two, as a sort of catharsis for myself
I am not holding back tonight and will be making jokes with no censoring for good taste. I hope you enjoy it and
that you are offended because Sean would have wanted it that way.
Vince issues a statement basically relieving WWE from ever associating
themselves with Chris Benoit ever again. Reportedly in all DVD releases they will blur out his image.
I can’t even imagine how they will re-record the audio for the Wrestlemania XX match. BAH
GAWD, THE BLUR WINS THE TITLE! You know, I actually know the motive behind the whole incident.
He was drafted to ECW, case closed. Yeah that’s right, I went there.
Tonight the bawdies do not hit the floor and first we get John
Cena? It’s a Champion vs. Champion Match. We are live from San Antonio, Texas
by the way. Johnny Nitro is on the other end of this match. Wow talk about overcoming
the odds!
WWE Champion John Cena vs. ECW Champion Johnny Nitro (Speaking
of Johns, I Gotta Take a Dump)
Cena gets a headlock on Nitro to start off the match in boring
fashion. Nitro breaks free with an elbow to the face and a few punches. Cena then hits
a fisherman’s suplex (sponsored by Mrs. Paul’s) followed by a sidewalk slam. Nitro kicks out
of the pin attempt and ends up gaining control after Cena misses a flying shoulder block and rolls to the outside.
Nitro throws Cena into the hollow steps. Back inside, Nitro continues the beat down.
After Cena almost comes back, Nitro delivers a vicious clothesline. The only reason he didn’t
win the match after that is because the clothesline didn’t have a name. Cena then reverses an Irish
whip to the corner and hits a face buster. Is he going to do the Worm now? Scotty isn’t
around, so someone has to! Cena then runs after Nitro but he pulls the ropes down and Cena ends up going
over and to the floor as we go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: I fast forwarded through
the commercials so the network didn’t make as much money.
Aaaaaaaaand we’re back! Nitro has Cena
up on the turnbuckle but is pushed off to the mat. As Cena goes to the top rope, Nitro dropkicks Cena to
the floor. He throws him back and goes for the pin but Cena OVERCOMES THE ODDS! Nitro
continues to punch Cena but eventually he just shakes it off and gives Nitro a look. He’s Cena-ing
up! Cena hits the Protobomb then the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He goes for the FU but Nitro
manages to land on his feet then hits a nice springboard flying kick. He gets a real close two count then
hits an atomic drop that really just drops Cena on his face. Another two count and then locks in a sleeper
hold. Cena backs Nitro into the corner then hits another face buster. Cena then climbs
to the top and hits a guillotine leg drop followed by the STFU and Nitro taps out.
Winner: John Cena
Woah it’s “Rowdy” Roddy Piper! Styles
says he is one of the most controversial superstars of all time. Yeah but did he murder his family? Kind
of makes hitting Snuka with a coconut pale in comparison, doesn’t it? He starts blabbering about
being hardcore until he gets interrupted by Matt Striker who has a cake because it’s his birthday. Ugh,
his birthday is the same week as mine? Can I change to October? I predict bakery hijinx
here! He says it would be the greatest gift in the world if Piper sang Happy Birthday to him.
I doubt it’ll happen because then Vince has to pay for the rights to the song. Wow OK he is
singing it and then throws the cake in his face to which Styles screams “CAKE FIGHT!” Piper
leaves the ring then the Boogeyman shows up from under the ring. He hits the Wormanator RIGHT ON THE CAKE!
He then spits worms on him. Note to self, invite Boogeyman to my ex-girlfriend’s birthday
next month.
I just realized they may have switched the ECW theme to that Puddle
of Mudd song “Famous”. Cameron shares this piece of music history with us, “Puddle of
Mudd sounds like what Drowning Pool would have called themselves as children”. The Miz is going to
invade ECW soon and I’m ready for a reality check. Please send me a check for one billion dollars
every time he appears on my television. Styles then interviews Nitro while he is in the back and asks him
how losing to Cena earlier affected his goals. He says he has a cold and competed anyway. He
then randomly loses the cough he started. So either he’s faking or he just sucks as an actor.
Elijah Burke is out next to face CM Punk in a two out of three falls match for #1 Contender for the ECW title.
CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke (Best Two Out of Three
Falls in About 15 Minutes)
After an early exchange of blows (no snorting or dick sucking involved),
Punk hits a pair of hip tosses. He then hits a body slam and a dropkick. Burke fights
back and throws Punk to the corner. Punk reverses and slams Burke into the corner then climbs to the second
rope and punches but then gets dropped on the turnbuckle. Burke sets up for the Elijah Express but Punk
counters with a flying leg lariat and only gets a one count. He then goes to the top but gets knocked down
on his cash and prizes. While Punk is hanging upside down, Burke hits the Elijah Express and gets the pin
to win the first fall.
Burke goes for a quick rollup (which usually works in wrestling
video games) but only gets two. Punk gets up and runs at Burke but the ropes get pulled down and he goes
over the top. He comes back inside just before getting counted out. Burke tries for
a suplex but Punk counters to a roll up for a pin to even the match.
Burke has Punk in a submission hold that I don’t know the
name of but it looks painful. Punk breaks it with a mule kick. Burke then slams the
back of Punk’s head to the mat then goes for a flying elbow drop but misses. Punk goes for a small
package (sponsored by Fed Ex) but only gets two. Burke then hits a couple of stiff shots (sponsored by
Jagermeister) and goes to the top but Punk hits a flying kick in midair. After some punches, he gets the
Pepsi One in the corner then the bulldog and a close two count. Punk ends up in the corner with Burke and
hits a tornado DDT (sponsored by “The Wizard of Oz” Special Edition DVD). Both men then exchange
a series of pins but neither succeeds. Punk then picks up Burke and hits the Nyquil and gets the pin.
Winner: CM Punk
Nitro comes down to ringside for the necessary staredown as we
go off the air.
Extreme Moment of the Night:
The Punk-Burke match was quite good even though for a best of three it seemed a bit rushed.
Not So Extreme Moment:
Cena should not be “overcoming the odds” on this show.
I’d say check out Cameron’s column but he didn’t
write one. Lazy bastard! So instead, read the columns that were written including Joe
Merrick doing his best Mick Foley impression and coming out of retirement to cover Vengeance. Also Catherine and Sixth Child’s regular columns, Neil pulling double duty (hehe duty) with two recaps. Read them and laugh until you do
something drastic with your family. What? I mean talking to them! What
did you think I meant? Now hit my music!
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent
self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.
Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for
his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!". He also is filing a lawsuit against
Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.
